Mad Love s01e07 Episode Script

We all want the same thing, even if we call it by different names Camaraderie, human connection, love, or just free beer.
Oh, Kelly, I'm telling you, one of these days, I'm gonna find that tattoo.
Wait.
Wait a second.
Is it underneath your nicotine patch? Well, if someone were to take me out, they might get a front-row seat for that tattoo.
No, no.
This one's on me.
- No, Kelly, come on.
- This one That is so nice.
Thank you.
- Last one.
- You are so disgusting.
What? Did I burp? I'm telling you, I don't even know when I'm doing it anymore.
You're just flirting with Kelly to get free beer.
You don't know that I don't like her.
- Do you like her? - Look at her.
She's, like, 50.
- She's 37.
- Yikes.
Ben, hey, Ben, settle this for me.
Connie thinks it's unfair that I flirt with Kelly for free beer.
But I say, what's the harm if I'm bringing a little joy and light into an 80-year-old woman's life? Larry, she's, like, 50.
Well, good luck with this, guys.
We're out of here.
Connie, we'll be at our place studying for finals.
What? We haven't changed our code since college.
Boy, studying for finals is a lot more fun than I remember.
Well, I have never had such a hands-on professor.
- I like it.
- Blech.
Well, I have office hours tomorrow.
Well, then maybe I will just stop by with my Books.
You guys are ruining my favorite part of Thursday Street cleaning day.
No one ever reads the signs, even though it's very clearly marked.
Good-bye, maroon BMW.
What? I-I have a maroon BMW.
- Not for long.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not as much fun when you know the person.
Hey, Connie's friend.
Clyde, my name's Kate, and you know that.
That's an assumption.
Is Connie home? Never mind.
I already know she is.
I always know.
- Hey, you're home.
- Hi, Clyde.
I'm throwing a little soiree this weekend.
I know you don't have any plans.
How do you know that? Thin walls.
But our walls don't even touch.
Yeah Anyway, I do have plans.
You sure? 'Cause you haven't mentioned them out loud.
No luck? It's gone.
Who has a car in New York City, anyway? My car got towed.
Thursday's street cleaning day.
Pretty clearly marked, as Connie already told you.
Maybe.
How would I know? That sounds perfect.
Yeah, Ben, I got a couple questions about this.
I have the directions in the email you sent.
What happened to the green folders? - I don't like these yellow ones.
- I will see you on Sunday.
They look like creamy snot just ugh.
Larry, what is this the universal sign for? Uh, "we're number one.
" "Give me a beer.
" "North.
" Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you, Larry "North.
" So a lady upstate just bought my car.
No.
What? You can't sell our car.
Again, it is my car, and it's already done.
I never use it, anyway.
All right, first of all, it has a name, thank you very much.
And secondly, I use Oksana all the time.
You use her when you're too lazy to walk a half block to the market.
That car is magical, Ben.
We never hit traffic lights.
We always get the best parking spots.
I have never once put an ounce of gas in that tank, yet somehow it's always full.
Yeah, I guess magic is the only explanation for that.
Look, it's too late, okay? I'm driving her up to the buyer on Saturday.
Fine.
That's fine.
Fine.
But you know what? I'm coming with you.
One last road trip me, you, Oksana.
Oh, my date just canceled for the rangers game.
I'd take you, Connie, but I'm not going to, um Oh, I guess that's it.
I'm not going to.
Ooh, I have an idea.
Why don't you take Kelly to the rangers game? - Ha.
- The rangers? - I love the rangers.
- She loves the rangers.
I know, but Connie misheard me, actually.
I'm not going to a rangers game.
I'm-I'm-I'm going to the Strangers game.
Hey, Kelly, how's about a beer, huh? Sure.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- That's six bucks.
You are going to make an angry lesbian very happy someday.
Larry, Ben told me about the road trip.
- I love road trips.
- That's nice for you.
Kate was thinking we could all go.
But then you told her that the car wasn't big enough for three people, right? He did.
But then I said we could get another car to follow behind.
And who's gonna be in that car, me? I was thinking that Connie and I could rent a car.
So on the way up, you and Ben drive in Ben's car.
Connie and I follow behind.
And on the way back, we all ride together.
That sounds fun.
Who's this other Connie that you know? Come on, Connie, it'll be so fun.
- We'll play car games.
- I hate car games.
- We'll stay at a nice b&b.
- I hate eating with strangers.
We'll go antiquing.
Old things make me uncomfortable.
That's what I was saying about Kelly.
Fine, Connie.
You can stay here this weekend with Clyde.
Road trip.
Our love is volatile, chemical anything but typical I want you badly love you madly I love you madly Oksana still handles like a dream, doesn't she? We haven't even hit a red light in 20 miles.
We're on a highway.
Well - Oh, God, Larry.
- What? What? You know about my open-emissions policy, all right? No warnings, no apologies.
Okay, you know what? Not that this isn't, you know, awesome, but maybe we should mix it up a little, like you can ride in the other car, and I can ride with Kate, who has a zero-emissions policy.
No one has a zero-emissions policy, Ben, all right? Besides, you don't want to be in a car alone with Kate.
It's too soon for the solo road trip.
- Need I refer you to? - Yes, I know.
I know.
- The Larry Munsch love doctrine.
- Love doctrine-exactly which states very clearly while a relationship should be consummated within the first 90 minutes of contact, all other milestones I.
E.
, road trips, expressions of emotional connection, going to the farmers market should be put off indefinitely.
You know, I'm getting a little tired of all your theories and policies and Oh, God, Larry, what is wrong with you inside? - Do you live in the water? - Yes.
Are you smaller than a bread box? Yes.
- Are you a clown fish? - Sure.
You're not a clown fish, are you? No.
I'm still a person who hates playing 20 questions.
Not a problem.
We can play something else.
Let me just get something out of my road trip activity kits, or, as I like to call them, my fun bags.
Why don't we play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest? I know what we should do.
We should trade cars, because I have a feeling that Ben would love my fun bags.
I'm sure he would, but I'm not riding with Larry.
I'd rather pick up a drifter or a bag of garbage or a drifter holding a bag of garbage.
Trust me, I'm not any happier about this than you are.
As long as we don't have to play any car games, we'll survive.
Just point me in the direction of the pepper jerky, and you won't hear a peep out of me, all right? Pepper jerky? I don't have any pepper jerky.
I've been lied to? I've been lied to! - Do you live in the ocean? - Yes.
You're not a clown fish, are you? Yeah.
I'm a clown fish, Kate.
Come on, you're gonna have to do better than that.
- Are you a sea horse? - Damn it.
Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha! You know, a guy spent time painting these lines on the road.
The least you can do is acknowledge them.
I can't see at night without my driving glasses.
Can you get them for me? They're in my suitcase.
Glasses? You mean you can look even weirder? I'll go get them for you.
Okay, this is dangerous.
DonI'mStop it.
You're doing that on purpose.
Okay, what do we got here? Ugly sweater.
Stupid jeans.
Uh, what do you need a bra for? Are you kidding? It's the police! If only someone had told you to drive better.
What are you doing? Don't try to fool this guy into thinking you're a girl.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- It's not gonna work.
License and registration.
Oh, my gosh, officer, did I do something wrong? I caught you doing 23 miles above the limit.
And before you feed me some sob story, you should know I don't let people off, ever, because I believe in the law.
Without law, we're like animals.
- Mm-hmm.
- Animals with cars.
So let's cut to the chase, Constance.
Connie.
Call me Connie.
Officer Barrett.
It's, uh, Dennis.
Hi, Dennis.
Are you kidding me? Dennis, hey, excuse me.
She was knowingly speeding, and now she's playing you.
Is he your boyfriend, Connie? - God, no.
- No.
Are you playing me, Connie? Well, if I'm gonna obey my own honesty policy, I'm gonna have to say Yes.
See? She's playing you.
I like your policy, almost as much as your smile.
But like I said, I make a stop, I write a ticket.
- Ha ha! Ha! - Right.
Why don't you ask me what the ticket's for, Connie? What the ticket for, Dennis? It's for him.
He's not wearing a seat belt.
Larry's crazy.
Yes.
But what are you talking about? No, it's just he He said that it was too soon for us to go on a road trip, that no good could come of it.
Well, he's right, if by "no good" he means "tons of fun.
" Exactly.
What could be better than this? You know, it's a beautiful night.
I'm with a beautiful woman with amazing fun bags.
I mean, I am having the time of my life.
I love driving.
I love gaming.
I love you.
Well, I was hoping for something tinier and crappier.
How's this gonna work? Two double beds, four of us.
Where are you three gonna sleep? Kate, can I please take the other car and go to a different motel? The guy said this was the only hotel for, like, 40 miles.
Of course he said that.
Otherwise, who is he gonna murder in the shower? Larry, my car is being fixed right across the street, okay? And this place is not that bad.
Bed is actually pretty comfortable and slightly damp.
Well, we are having just one heck of a road trip, aren't we? You're just grumpy 'cause you got a ticket.
I got your ticket, all right? And the only reason you didn't get it is because you were so pathetically using your feminine wiles on a guy who was pathetic enough to fall for them.
What are you talking about? What Dennis and I had was very special.
In fact, it was so special that he gave me his phone number with a smiley face underneath it.
Oh.
Okay.
Let me get this straight.
When I manipulate a lonely bartender, it's disgusting.
But when you manipulate a lonely state trooper, special.
Larry, I have every intention of calling him.
You do? Well, why don't you do that right now? Because Ineed A snack.
And I think that I saw a machine outside.
- So I'll do that first.
- I'll come with you.
I need a soak.
You're gonna take a bath here? Yeah, yeah, why do you think I came on the road trip? I don't have a tub in my apartment.
This'll give me an opportunity to explore my wide array of salts and scents.
Yeah.
Lavender or citrus? God, that's a Sophie's choice.
- I told Kate I loved her.
- What? I know.
I know, I know.
It was stupid.
It just slipped out.
Wowie! And I'm assuming she didn't say it back.
- She crashed the car.
- So, no? - She freaked out.
- Of course she freaked out.
You want to know why? Because you violated article 1, section 4 of the Larry Munsch love doctrine, which prohibits verbal expression of emotional connection.
How do you have time to be a lawyer? Well, there's your job, and then there's your calling.
Well, I guess you were right.
I mean, now I don't know what to do.
Should I tell her that I didn't mean it and-and she should just forget it? Oh.
Oh, you're you're asking my advice.
Yeah.
Yes.
Wise choice.
Um Have you ever seen a movie called The Wizard of Oz? Yes, I have.
Good.
Okay, well, this is like that, okay? I am the great and powerful Oz, which would make you Dorothy.
Connie is obviously the Wicked Witch of the West, and Kate I don't knowKate would be Glenda the good witch.
- Forget it.
- No, listen, fine, fine, fine! Listen, all right, I have never been in love.
It just never happened.
But I imagine that if I ever was, I wouldn't go hiding from it or saying that I didn't mean it.
That's ridiculous.
I would walk right up to love, and I would just grab it by the breasts and squeeze.
You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
I mean, not the squeezing part.
Thanks, Larry.
Lavender and citrus! Sha-boom! Come on, Kate, let's go back inside.
So he said he loved you.
He's a good guy.
You should talk to him.
You can't just stay out here all weekend.
You'll freeze to death.
Well, freezing is supposed to be a very peaceful way to die.
- Hey.
- Thank God.
Excuse me.
So about what happened Yes.
My insurance will cover the damage to your car.
I'm kidding.
I don't have insurance.
I'm not avoiding this.
I'm so cold, I can't speak.
Please, can we just go back inside? Yeah, but They're in there.
You know what? Come with me.
If you're looking for your phone, I have it in here.
Sweet Moses! It's the most natural thing in the world, - con-man bathing.
- Just give me my phone.
I'm in the middle of a conversation Do you mind? Hold on one second.
I just-I want to make sure you really like that cop, right? You're not just doing exactly what I was doing with the bartender the other night, right? - Right.
- Great.
Okay.
Yeah, she's right here, officer Barrett.
Is she free tonight? I am willing to bet cash money she is free tonight.
- No! - Yeah, hang on a second.
I'll put her on.
Here she is.
- I'm not talking to him.
- It's your soul mate.
Hi, Dennis.
Actually, I don't know if I'm up for going out tonight.
Go! You want to come over here.
Um Okay, great.
I'll see you soon.
If there was a toaster in here, you would be a dead man.
If there was a toaster in here, I'd be enjoying a pop-tart.
Okay, look I don't know why I said it.
I know it's too soon.
It-it just It just came out.
No, I-I was just a little surprised.
Yeah, I could tell by the way you drove into that tree.
Sorry.
So let me guess.
You're not the kind of person that just throws around the "L" word, huh? No, I actually say the "L" word all the time, - I mean, to just about anyone.
- That's not at all comforting.
No, um, what I mean is I usually just use it too casually, like when you see someone, you say, "Hey, great shirt," and you don't even mean it.
You said this was a great shirt.
And it is.
That is a great shirt.
Well, I don't say the "L" word casually.
In fact I don't say it at all, because I don't usually feel it.
And I was going to tell you that it was a mistake and try and take it back, but it wasn't.
So I'm sorry if I freaked you out, but I'm not hiding from love.
I'm walking up to love and grabbing it by the I love you.
What? I love you.
Okay, did you just say that to shut me up or because you love me? To shut you up.
So what did we learn? I guess just this.
If you must say the words "I love you," try not to be operating heavy machinery when you do.
Well, they don't have any alcohol, but they have tab or moxie.
What year is it here? - Oh, hey, there, officer.
- Mr.
Munsch.
I'm sorry.
Did you want tab? Um, I'm still deciding.
You guys, the electricity between you is palpable.
So, Dennis, what is it that you do with your free time? Zap! Larry, go away.
Fine.
Fine.
I will just be Right Here.
So what do I like to do in my free time? Uh, you know, typical stuff - Reading mystery novels - Yeah.
- Take the boat out on the lake.
- Fun.
I know this guy in Japan I like to Skype with.
At least I think it's a guy.
Wow.
- Japan.
- Yeah.
Time change must be a killer.
Look, I know you were flirting with me to get out of that ticket.
I guess I was just hoping there was a small chance you were really interested in me.
Anyway, I'm gonna head over to City Hall Street cleaning.
I love watching them tow cars.
It was nice to see you.
And you might want to adjust your robe.
I can almost see your genitalia.
Wow.
What? Wait, wait, um Do you ever get down to the city? Actually, my folks live in Queens, so I'm down there quite a bit.
Do you want to maybe grab dinner sometime? Wait.
What's happening? This is not part of my plan.
I would love to go to dinner.
I know a great Japanese place.
- Oh, Kate and Ben.
- Oh, hey.
This is officer Dennis Barrett.
Hello, officer.
We were just walking.
- Walking.
- Walking.
Oh, I know what you were doing.
Your BMW was rocking erratically.
Erratically? I thought we had a pretty good rhythm going.
I mean, I don't know what you're talking about, officer.
Don't sweat it.
I'm off duty.
Talk to you soon, Connie.
And, hey, lock this behind me.
The night clerk here is on parole for some pretty hairy stuff, so Hey, is it true that most cops never take their gun out of their holster? What, are you kidding? How are you gonna shoot anybody with your gun in the holster? I guess if you were small and kind of hugging on my leg.
Can I call you when I'm in town again? You better.
Maybe next time, officer, I will treat you to a doughnut in the morning.
That sounds great.
But I'm afraid the doughnut thing is a bit of a relic.
Once the cupcake craze hit in '04, we never looked back.
Good night, Clyde.
Good night.