Man Up (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

(creaks) Hey, guys, listen up.
What's going on, buddy? You do know that arrow Will go right through that chain mail, don't you? Uh, I don't think so.
I made this out of key chains.
Fine.
Die.
So Nathan just quit science club.
Every time he had to go, He conveniently got a stomachache, And he did the same thing with piano lessons.
I'm glad he quit piano.
He was butchering that thing.
I'm just worried that he's not disciplined.
I feel like I should force him to stick with things.
Like, my father never let me quit anything, Even that job at the driving range Where I had to wear that t-shirt that said "ball washer.
" (laughs) Watch this, will.
(creaks) (pop, thud) Whoa.
Will was right.
That would've killed you.
I disagree.
Well, guess what Dr.
Cole said about Nathan's stomachache.
(mouth full) he's faking it, isn't he? He's allergic to gluten.
He's allergic to gluten, isn't he? See? Gluten.
From now on, he can't eat anything that has it.
No.
That's gonna be too hard.
Nathan, this is an opportunity to be disciplined And to prove to yourself that you can do Anything you put your mind to.
Great.
I'm a nerd with a food allergy.
Line up, ladies.
You know what? We're gonna lead by example.
This whole family is going off gluten.
(laughs) you do realize That you're part of this family, don't you? (chuckles) so what are you saying, I've got plenty of discipline.
Maybe you're the one who doesn't have any discipline.
Oh, please.
I taught myself french when I was 9 And trained for a marathon in a week.
You couldn't go off diet soda for a day Because you became-- your words--"too weepy.
" You think you know me so well.
I know you well enough to know that if this is a competition, Which it now is, I'll win.
You're trying to get in my head.
I'm living in your head.
(chuckles) oh, yeah? Well, look around, Because the lobe that controls discipline Is planning my victory party.
Oh.
(clicks tongue) what's that, lobe? Oh, theresa's not invited? Oh, how sad.
Ohh.
Well, your lobe can suck it.
And by the way, do you enn know what gluten is? No, I do not.
Gluten, from the latin "gluten.
" It's a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye.
It's why dough has elasticity, And it gives food a delightful, chewy texture.
Now here's the bad news.
It's killing all of america.
(bag rustles) (scoffs) it can't be that bad.
It can't be that bad? Uh, grant's just very passionate about this stuff.
He's even gotten me into it.
Now my skin's clearer.
I've got more energy.
My boobs are bigger.
Okay, they're not bigger, but they do have more pizzazz.
(chuckles) Uh, it's iprpretzels? Really? And cheese puffs? I thought those were all natural.
So are cobras, will.
It's in everything good, honey.
What's the matter? You and your lobe having second thoughts About throwing that victory party? Need to make a phone call, Cancel the deejay and the brain strippers? Not at all.
You're gonna be the one Home alone with the sad lobe and no brain strippers.
(lowered voice) what are they doing? (lowered voice) oh, when they get competitive, This is how they trash-talk.
It can be very hard to follow.
Huh.
So pretty much all we can eat are Lightbulbs? Gluten? Isn't that the stuff in lightbulbs? Nah.
I think gluten is the name of aquaman's nemesis.
You do this all the time.
Whenever you don't know a word, You think it's a superhero's nemesis, Like "pontificate.
" He and ostracize beat the crap out of green lantern.
Wrong.
Will, would you please--will! (gasps) some people can become lethargic When they go off gluten, but not me.
I'm fine.
Just dealing with a little hunger issue.
Like, I have a hunger.
Like, an intense, angry Hunger.
Why are you doing this, will? To teach Nathan discipline, And because theresa thinks she can do it and I can't.
You know, maybe we should show a little discipline With that big burger situation.
We like these two girls who work at the drivththru.
We call them money and food.
My girl is money, because she takes the money.
I like food.
She give me my food.
We've been going to lunch there every day To try and win them over, Perhaps we should show a little discipline And go more often.
Mm-hmm.
That's not displpline.
That's going to big burger to hit on women.
That's discipline-- doing what you want But doing it all the time.
Look it up.
Don't need to, 'cause it's not that.
Well, words can mean different things to different people.
Also not true.
Depends on what you mean by "true.
" (chuckles) oh! Chew on that while we exercise some discipline And goo o lunch, whatever "lunch" means.
(chuckles) (high-pitched voice) what? (imitating explosions) Ohh! Ahh.
He just blew your mind, william.
(gasps) imagine meeting you here.
(giggles) hi, craig.
I laugh at that joke every time.
I'm so easy.
(chuckles) Are you? (giggles) that one, too.
(mouths word) Here is your change.
(coins clink) I don't need to count it.
I trust you.
Mm, but can I trust you? No.
(chuckles) I mean, yes, you can.
I'm--I'm very trustworthy.
Good--good-bye.
(giggles) bye.
(both grunting) (sighs) I screwed up that last part, But it was good.
No, you were great.
Okay.
Good.
Thanks.
Hey, gorgeous.
You got something special for me? Hi, nnnny.
I slipped a fudgy finger in there.
A what, madame? It's a fried brownie.
It's not gonna be on the menu till next week, But I thought you might like a preview.
Oh.
Then I accept your fudgy finger, And I thank you for the treat.
(giggles) adieu.
(both, high-pitched voices) boop.
That was awesome.
Will, here's your salad.
What? Ohh.
Wait.
How long have I been asleep? Oh, no.
Will's gone, but look, it's snidely whiplash.
(laughin Oh, you guys! I-- (slaps leg) I'm supposed to get a new I.
D.
Badge today.
I can't have one of these on two years in a row.
(laughing) (snorts) Oh, my god.
That food smells amazing.
Have some.
Ohh.
We're going through the drive-thru, like, Four more times.
Yeah, do some more flirting, And by the end of the day, we'll have enough burgers To make a bizza.
What's a bizza? It's a burger pizza.
Take a bunch of burgers, smash 'em down in a pizza pan, Cover the entire thing in cheese and tomato sauce.
It's our culinary contribution to humanity.
That sounds like the best thing ever.
I want to be buried in one when I die.
You mean a cheesebur-casket? Way ahead of you, buddy.
Oh, state won't allow it.
This gluten-free thing is really working out.
Nathan's stomachaches are gone.
It is so nice not having a teacher knocking On the bathroom stall, asking if I'm okay.
Ohh.
And it's been easy to stick to, Especially since I don't have my own money to buy food Or any way to get to a store.
So how's it going for you, honey? What are you referring to? Oh, that's right.
(chuckles) We're on a diet.
You know, it's been so simple that I forgot about it.
So what's for dinner? Pizza.
Seriously? Yep.
Gluten-free.
(splats) Just like regular pizza, Except you eat it with a spoon.
(doorbell rings) I need bizza.
Mmm.
Ohh.
Mmm.
I feel awful.
Rere.
You just had five slices of bizza in three minutes.
Your stomach's putting up a fight it cannot win.
No, I mean, I cheated on the diet, Just like Theresa said I would.
I am so weak.
I mean, look at me.
My blood sugar is raging.
(chuckles) I'm so strong.
I could race a leopard Or a puma! Just enjoy the ride, buddy, And maybe take a break from telling us All the different animals you could race.
(chuckles) so we found out something today.
Ostrich.
Right.
So Money and food, the drive-thru girls-- We found out They're sisters! Yeah, and each of us is with one of them.
How hot is that? Not hot at all.
I mean, sisters are hot, But you have to both be with both of them.
We are.
At the same time.
We are.
I mean, each of you with both of them at the same time.
That is gross, will.
They're sisters.
Yeah have a little respect.
I'm sorry.
I need to get back on track.
I need to be around people Who believe that I can stick to this diet, Because I am not one of those people.
(door closes) You know what would be hotter? If we were brothers and we had sex with one of them.
(chuckles) yeah.
Wait.
No.
Why don't we get this? There's something wrong with us.
I know it's really hard to eat this way (sighs) mm.
But it is so worth it.
You were smart to come to us for help, will.
I'm gonna entice your taste buds with banana paste On a millet stone crisp so good (chuckles) it'll unnerve you.
Ooh.
Look what we're gonna get.
(sighs) if you don't want to wait, There's a big pile of it from the last time (lowered voice) that I dumped in that plant.
What? You came here for help.
(plastic rustling) here it is.
The only way to survive this diet is to never actually do it.
(singsongy) pecan turtle? You mean you're cheating? (mouth full) pfft.
Of course.
Only freaks Like grant and theresa can survive this diet.
(gasps) Mortals like us have to cheat.
You wanna know how you win, will? (rattles) (singsongy) by never letting Theresa know that she won.
Ohh! So you just hide snacks around the house? Everywhere.
That couch alone has so much pie under it, It's like a county fair down there.
(crunches) chip? See, the beautiful thing about chicken tenders-- You can go around again and say you forgot dipping sauce.
I think I'm gonna get into some deeper stuff this time-- Religion, war on terror, abor-- (giggling) joel, stop.
Hey.
(money) you're so bad.
What is money doing laughing with that guy? That's what she does with me! She's just being polite to the customers.
Keep it cool.
Ohh.
Hi.
Yeah.
Who are the guys in the fiero, the comedians? Oh, it's Brian and Joel.
They come here all the time.
Oh.
They're always joking about Rescuing me and my sister from our windows And driving off into the sunset.
Thought you might like a preview.
It's a fudgy finger.
What?! (giggles) My beautiful food has betrayed me.
(chuckles) Ho Ho! Hey.
Good news.
This discipline thing really paid off.
Nathan rejoined science club.
Really? That's great.
Oh, I see.
Mission accomplished.
You want to quit the diet? Is that it? I'm not quitting anything, but you can if you want to.
I'm not quitting.
Good, because there's, like, 6 pounds of soy-sagna In the fridge.
Mmm.
Not for long.
Ohh.
I want you inside me.
(sighs) darn it.
Forgot my keys.
(thuds) (chuckles) well, then how are you gonna drive away? (mouths word) Who drives a fiero anyway? My mom, after she retired, To prove to my dad that she's still got it.
And she did not still have it.
Pfft.
Not even close.
You know what we gotta do? We gotta make food and money jealous, Like they'reoioing to us.
Show them we have options, too.
You mean like other girls? Yeah, we don't have those kind of options, But we do have something even better.
What? I thought you'd have some thoughts.
(sneezes) (strained voice) hi, guys.
(sneezes and grunts) Thank you.
(sneezes) That'll do.
(sneezes) (haughty voice) I said, "that'll do," sir.
Sorry.
(sniffles) I've been spending a little time under the house.
Digging for gold? Did you murder a neighbor? No, nothing weird.
I'm just eating under there.
Theresa almost caught me cheating on this diet A couple times, so I set up ththis really cool man cave Where I can chill out and eat crap the way god intended.
Ooh! A man cave.
I want to be there now.
Why are we still not there? Why are we still here? (whispers) this place is horrible.
Well, I know it's not fully tricked-out yet, But imagine it with a cereal dispenser And a mini fridge.
Eventually I'll dig a few pits (thud) So we can stand upright.
Oh.
(inhales deeply) what is that smell? Somethin' big's been peeing down here.
Yeah, there was a possum.
I think that pee is from whatever killed it.
Anyway, it's gonna be great, right? You know what? I can picture it.
Nice rug on the floor, a couple throw pillows, Maybe a moroccan vibe.
What? (craig) aah! Oh, my god.
That spider bit me for, like, ten minutes.
(panting) I am so, so sorry.
I can't feel the left side of my body.
How could you invite people down there? It's just plain reckless! You're right.
You're right! Don't bother digging me and craig standing pits.
We're not going back there again.
Aah! I feel another one on me.
Kill it.
Kill it! No, no.
We got 'em all, buddy.
Nice work, will.
You broke craig.
(sighs) what am I doing? I-I've been trying so hard to win this thing with theresa That I've totally lost perspective.
Last night, I peed in an empty potato chip bag.
(high-pitched voice) oh! I'm done.
Kenny, it's getting cold.
Don't you die on me! What? But, will (rustles) you have it all.
I mean, why stop now, when you're a winner? I can't keep lying to theresa.
I don't care if she gloats about how she's stronger than I am.
This has to end.
I've been living like an animal.
(clatters) Okay.
I couldn't stick to the stupid diet.
Turns out my favorite food is gluten.
Ha.
Who knew? You were eating trash.
I was eating the food That brenda and grant took out of the pantry.
It wasn't trash.
It was among trash.
Okay, you won.
Go ahead.
Gloat.
Ha ha! Yeah! Actually, I was cheating, too.
What?! And you let me eat trash? Look, we can argue about whether I let you eat trash Or Among trash, Or we can go out there and grab what's left Before the garbageman gets it.
Oh! (mouth full) I love you so fluffin' much.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
(Nathan) Mom! Dad! Mmmmmm.
(singsongy) I figured out my project for science club! (both) mm? I'm doing it on gluten.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Will you guys come and speak about how hard it was To give up? (swallows) (both) mm-hmm.
Great.
Good night, guys.
Mm.
(clears throat and sniffles) You know we're gonna have to keep lying to Nathan Until after his science project.
It's gonna be really hard.
I know.
So you don't think you can do it? Oh, I can do it, And if this is a competition, which I believe it now is, I'll be able to lie better than you.
Yeah, you probably will.
(chuckles) (laughs) I was lying.
(laughs) see how good I am? (high pitched voice) boop.
Mmm.
Well, hello.
What is that? Oh, this? Just something we picked up at jimmy B's sub shop, Because, like you, we have options.
150 calories, wrapped up super neat in a ciabatta bun, Which is another 450 calories.
That's why we only need drinks today.
Fine.
(mouths words) Please drive to the next window.
'supmimilady.
Oh, what's this you're upset about? Just a fully loaded option I have.
(kisses) (chuckles) she withheld the straws.
Dude, it's totally working.
Your science is sound, But remember, when talking about gluten, Don't be afraid u unleash your rage.
I don't have rage.
I only have anxiety.
So after I speak, To keep lying to him (lowered voi) You gonna fold? Nope.
If I can eat biscotti picked out of dryer lint, I can keep lying to my son for another 30 minutes.
How you can tell if someone is hiding the truth Just by observing them.
Well, weren't counting on that little turd, were we? Liars! They're everywhere.
It's been a half-hour, and they haven't come after us.
Maybe we should go talk to them.
We gotta stick to the plan.
(both sigh) Let me tell you something.
I almost died yesterday.
They said the spider wasn't poisonous They said it didn't bite .
Well, the point is, When I was good as dead on that table, I was told myself that if I ever made it through this Which was ineviteble.
I won't lie every moment like it was my last.
We've got to take action, Kenny (Rarakes squeal) I only care about the fast food.
It's all being you.
Oh, Craig.
It's all being you too.
Come with me.
Right now I'm taking you To go.
where the e eles cry (glass shatters) on a mountain high Way to go, Rebecca! up where we belong Ohh! (chuckles) I'm good.
You go, Shauna! Aah! (chuckles) (grunts) where the clear winds blow Uh, kenny, dude, the car is this way.
Oh, yeah.
And now I want you to meet my heroes, Starting with my dad, who encouraged me to find The discipline I needed to change my life.
(chuckles) (smacks lips) Giving up gluten was hard (sighs) But not impossible, obviously, Uh, because I did it.
(chuckles) Why else would I be standing here? (chuckles) huh? I gave up gluten.
(sighs and whispers) yeah.
(normal voice) um (whispers) "excessive" (sighs, normal voice) wow.
It's--it's really Um, so, uh, my--my, um, my-- (under breath) you're stammering.
It's number three on the list.
That kid is all over you.
(sighs) Oh, you're going down! So my--my, um, my--my, uh, journey that, um, That brought me here I cheated! I've been eating things I'm not supposed to! I had potato chips, And I hid gummy worms in my justin bieber coin purse.
(sighs) oh.
I ate gluten, too.
(lowered voice) yes.
(high-pitched, singsong voice) in your face.
Winner.
I ate it, too.
Like, a lot.
Probably more than I ever ate before I tried not to eat it.
(sighs) I'm sorry, buddy.
It's all right.
I mean, even though you guys don't have discipline, You showed me that I do.
I'm proud of you.
(grunts) (Brenda) can you imagine? Lying like that when good health is so important.
I lied, too.
Really? A couple of months ago, you were working a double shift, And I sought comfort with a temptress named cheesy bread.
It's okay, baby.
Actually, I Forgive you.
Maybe from now on we try not being competitive With each other.
Great idea.
Mm-hmm.
(chuckles) (inhales deeply) but you won't be able to stick to it.
Oh, yeah? You think I can't not be competitive? I know you can't not.
Care to not make it uninteresting? Oh, yes, I don't.
I think we both just lost.
(gunfire) kenny, your guy's running in circles.
Kenny.
Kenny! (gunfire) Kenny! So do you get free food at big burger? Heavily discounted.
Then it's settled.
You shall be mine.
(moaning) (clatters) Craig, why are you shooting that rock? (gunfire) craig! Will's yelling at me.
(chuckles) Wait.
Why can't I hear anybody in mine? Because that's your drive-thru headset, sweetie.
Oh.
Do you want me to take it off? Oh, no, no.
Leave it on.
Do you like it? Yeah.
(chuckles) Then pull to the next window, please.
I'm sorry.
Do you mean-- Yes, I do.
Okay.
Craig! Kenny.
Bravo team to m--you guys! (controller clatters)