Men of a Certain Age s01e07 Episode Script
Father's Fraternity
[Exhales.]
[Smooching.]
Good morning.
Mm-hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Unh-unh.
What are you trying to start this morning? Just admiring.
[Chuckles.]
Ah.
I'm not opposed to getting something started.
Oh, I see.
You think you can handle me first thing in the morning? Damn right.
[Door opens.]
- Mom, Grandpa's on TV! - Mom, Grandpa's on TV! You got to knock! Come on, guys! Ohh! It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
SENIOR: But April showers [s woosh.]
Bring May savings! - We got Equinoxes - Traverses We got Malibus - Camaros.
- May the best car win! SENIOR: And one thing you can count on here at Thoreau Chevrolet.
MARCUS: In today's economy, your family is going through hard times.
And our family is here to help.
ANNOUNCER: Thoreau Chevrolet in Encino.
All-star cars for all-star customers.
When I grow up to be a man Will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid? Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did? Will I joke around Will I still joke around And still dig those sounds And still dig those sounds When I grow up to be a man? My father ruined some perfectly good sex this morning.
Well, my first question is, why was he there in the first place? No, our our new commercial was on.
And, um, at the end of it, he says some shit about family and then throws his arm around Marcus.
And now Melissa's going on about how he's trying to make everybody think that's his son.
Television in the bedroom is always a bad idea.
Not really the point.
Do you think that's what your dad's doing? No.
I don't know.
Well, you got to get it straightened out.
Marcus good-Iooking guy.
You don't want people to meet you and go, "Wow, what happened?" [Laughs.]
"Where did you Wow.
" [Laughs.]
Actually gonna go see my dad this weekend.
Oh, yeah? How's Artie doing? Good.
You know, the angio thing went good.
Back to normal.
Doctor said fully recovered.
Glad to hear.
That's great.
How's he like it up there? JOE: Yeah, it's good there.
Yeah, they got the walking trails and the golf courses.
They got a town square with a gazebo and all that shit.
So a lot of old people.
Play a lot of boccie up there, do they? Yeah, no, I think he likes it.
It's hard to tell with him.
You know him.
He's not a big talker or or hugger or smiler.
I wish my dad were upstate somewhere boccie balling.
So, um, I know I'm gonna take shit for this, but since we're on the subject, I might as well tell you.
I'm gonna be a big brother.
Wha you mean you mean father? 'Cause that's what we were talking about fathers.
So I guess you got somebody pregnant? That's what I'm thinking.
[Chuckles.]
I'm talking about big brother as in the Big Brothers organization.
I applied and interviewed, and I should be meeting my little brother sometime this week.
Really? That's, um - Wow.
- That's cool.
Real cool.
Why? OWEN: Yeah, isn't that like a big commitment for you? Two days a week, one hour a day? Here we go.
Yeah, give him some slack, man.
He's gonna be good.
You'll be good.
You'll be a great big brother.
Maybe you should start slow, though, like a ventriloquist's dummy? Right.
Okay.
OWEN: No, this is a kid who goes from the danger of drug-infested streets to a safe, marijuana-filled home.
JOE: Right.
Yeah, plus most kids got to buy a Playboy to see a naked woman.
Not your guy.
Well, if the kid's mother is still on the scene, you're not supposed to screw her.
- Yeah, don't do that.
- You know that, right? - That's that's frowned upon.
- Yeah.
[Both laughing.]
You know, you guys you know, you give me shit for doing nothing with my life, and now I'm doing something, and you're still giving me shit.
Yeah, right.
No, right.
Look, it's great.
It's just it's kind of out of nowhere.
I was reading this article in Z magazine.
- There's a magazine called Z? - I don't know, man.
Basically it was saying that of all the social programs, this one still holds water.
These kids, they suffer from a lack of a strong, male presence.
Plus, I like the idea of mentoring someone and helping them avoid mistakes that could screw up their life.
Most of all, it's something I wish somebody had done for me when I was growing up.
That's gonna be one screwed-up kid.
Oh, a frickin' nut job, that kid.
[Laughs.]
LUC Y: So, we're gonna go right after dinner, right? Yes, Lucy, I said that three times already.
Come on.
How about let's just have a nice visit.
ALBERT: Last time we came, Grandpa Artie wore the same pants all four days.
What? No.
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
- You remember, right? - Yeah.
He's probably got four or five of the same pants.
Old people do that.
[Doorbell rings.]
LUC Y: Maybe we just should've brought two cars.
And no screens.
Nope, no phones, no screens.
- Pocket.
Pocket.
- What? No TV even? JOE: Talking.
Conversation.
[Door opens.]
- Hey, there they are.
- Hey, Dad.
- Come on in.
Come on in.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Same pants.
[Water dripping.]
Hey, Dad, must be nice got a movie theater a couple blocks away, right? You see anything good? Mm, not really, you know.
Been there once or twice, you know.
Yeah.
Oh, did I tell you? Lucy won an award for her writing.
You don't say.
Yeah, our winter writing project was about applying for grants and stuff like that.
So I did mine on solar power, trying to get funding for this project in the desert that would power over a million homes.
Wow.
Pretty good.
[Chuckles.]
JOE: Albert made the golf team, too.
GRANDPA: Really? That's pretty good, too, baby.
ALBERT: Speaking of golf, the championships on right now.
Want to put on the TV? No.
No.
Dad, what's what do you got up there, a leak? Yep.
[Chuckles.]
So why don't you fix it? This place has a guy.
They like him to do it.
Well, since when do you let anybody fix anything for you? GRANDPA: They like him to do it.
JOE: Yeah, but do they know that you're not just some That you owned a hardware store, you know what you're doing? Let 'em fix it.
What do I care? [Sighs.]
What do you say we, uh, fire up the TV, see what the championship's up to? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Nickelson made a run yesterday.
- Yeah.
[Crowd cheering on TV.]
Knock, knock.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Your mailbox still isn't fixed.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, what is all this? We got some lentils going on over here.
- Hmm.
- Got a dash of cumin and some lime juice.
But the secret the secret is golden raisins, not regular.
- Hmm.
- Taste.
Mmm! - It's good, right? - Mm-hmm.
Getting the whole play between the thyme and the raisins and - Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Let me taste.
Hmm.
Is that menthol chap stick? It clashes with the cumin.
Try again.
Mm.
You know, I think it kind of provides an interesting counterpoint to the, uh Mm.
Mm.
Screw the lentils.
Come on, I spent the whole morning making them.
[Giggles.]
JOE: Plenty of time for everything.
- Alright.
Hey.
- Hey.
What? "Big Brother.
" - Yeah.
- What's this? Yep, that is right.
But don't worry.
I'll still have time for you.
You don't have time for me now, so how would that be a worry? I'm kidding.
This is great.
You're gonna be a great big brother.
Thank you.
Um by the way, this is a 12-year-old kid we're talking about here, so you might want to start wearing a bra.
You want the kid to come back, right? JOE: [Laughs.]
What? Nothing.
Just, uh the good news is, you're gonna be able to walk around here naked if you want to.
It just doesn't make any sense.
I'm sure the reason is something stupid.
Well, I'm sure, too.
I mean, I had great references.
The interview was incredible.
I mean, we connected, you know.
Smiles and eye contact, understanding nods.
The whole package.
I murdered it.
- Terry - I mean, who gets rejected from being a big brother, for God's sake? Aren't these kids who live in poverty and come from broken homes? I mean, are they really saying, "you know what's worse? A couple hours with that guy.
" - Well, let me ask you.
- [Sighs.]
Yeah? That day, did you No.
So, you didn't have any kind of, like, residual high during the interview? - How much pot do you think I smoke? Not that much.
I aced that interview.
I thought they were gonna give me five kids.
And at the end, she gave me the two-handed handshake.
You know, not just the formal, "nice to meet you," but, uh, "really nice to meet you.
" Huh? Okay, well they suggest a whole bunch of other things here that you can do.
What about animal rescue? Oh, yeah, I'm not good enough for a human, so I should settle on a dog.
Okay, well, there's community improvement.
Do they give me an orange jumpsuit, or do I have to get my own? [Sighs.]
Look at this.
You could plant trees.
We could plant trees together.
[Sighs.]
Mmm! That kid is gonna be missing out on some awesome lentils.
Kids hate lentils.
And one thing you can count on here at Thoreau Chevrolet.
MARCUS: In today's economy, your family is going through hard times.
And our family is here to help.
[Tapping on glass.]
This this is probably stupid, but, um you think this commercial gives the wrong impression? Oh, hell, yes.
You do? Really? Of course.
I mean, when your dad says, "our family is here to help," and then it's just him and Marcus? "Family" means all of us, right? We should all be in that commercial.
O-kay.
Uh, but what I'm saying is, does it seem like Marcus is his son? Nah.
Although I kind of see what you're saying.
You know, if you're worried about it, you should just ask your dad to reshoot.
Put the whole family in there, and that'll get rid of the confusion you're talking about.
My mom keeps asking me when I'm gonna be in one of these commercials, man.
It's like she's Hey, sir, this spot looks great, okay? Alot already a bunch of customers have come in and said that's the reason why they're here.
Good.
Owen's got a thing, though.
You got a thing? Yeah, just some constructive criticism.
You know, I'm getting a car washed.
And the customer's waiting, so So, what's your "thing"? Well Okay, look at this.
You see where you put your arm around Marcus here? SENIOR: Mm-hmm.
You did that right as you were saying the words "our family.
" Mm-hmm.
I'm just thinking it could seem, possibly, to some that you were presenting Marcus as your son.
That's so very stupid, I don't know where to begin.
Well, I'm not saying definitely.
I'm just I mean, I have taken pictures with millions of fans all over this country with my arm about them in that exact same pose.
And do you think people assume that each one of them is my child? No.
- What is it, then? - Well Well, you want to be in the commercial? No! Then if I were you, I would start worrying more about sales and less about whether or not people think Marcus is my son, because anybody that looks at that commercial and thinks that is an idiot.
Let me stop you, Joyce.
That is not Owen in the commercial.
Oh, it seems like it, huh? But of course it's not.
I mean, you know Owen.
You know our son.
Well, he's much heavier.
You've seen him.
He's overweight.
Look, Joyce, I think if you look at the commercial again, you'll see it's not him.
Okay? I'll talk to you later.
Mm-hmm.
[Telephone receiver slams.]
[Telephone ringing.]
[Crowd clapping on TV.]
[Claps.]
Okay.
Come on.
Let's go do something.
I don't know.
Let's go take a walk.
- No.
- Nah.
It's nice here, dad.
Trees, fresh air.
It's real nice.
Yeah, great.
This is what you should do every day get out, walk, every day.
Hey, hey, hey, fella.
Where's your roof coating? You know you're gonna have to put some on the tip of that.
Okay, Dad.
Sorry.
He used to own a hardware store.
- Let the man work.
- No, that's cool.
Actually, sir, I'm using pressure-treated redwood.
I'm gonna drop six inches of gravel in the hole.
Unh-unh, unh-unh.
That's all rookie stuff.
You want to do a professional job, you have to slap a little pitch on there.
Come on.
[Laughs.]
You must be an East coaster.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, here we don't get enough rain to worry about that extra layer of weatherproofing.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks a lot, Ann Landers.
Okay, Dad.
Hey, thank you.
See you around.
- Yeah.
- [Chuckling.]
Actually, dad, you're the one giving advice, so if anybody's Ann Landers, it's you.
Ah, that's rookie crap.
[Chuckling.]
Anyway, like I'm saying, you got to do this every day.
Get out here, take a walk.
Ah, the only guy who walks around the same neighborhood every day is the guy who can't get a job.
[Chuckles.]
Dad, that's not you.
You're you're retired.
Yeah, great.
Ha! JOE: So, this is my dad, Artie.
He's gonna be helping us out here a bit.
- Okay, this is Maria.
- How you doing? - Dashaun.
- What's going on, Artie? And Carlos.
You sweep? I'm agreeing with you, my sister's totally fat.
I get it.
MARCUS: Sounds like part elf- part sasquatch.
She's mostly Sasquatch.
You said she was 6 feet tall.
- Sounds like Sasquatch to me.
- 90/10 sasquatch, elf.
MARCUS: She's a big girl.
We're talking a fat little Lawrence with a wig? Yeah, that's pretty good, actually.
She's kind of hot.
Whoa.
We've got to redo this commercial with you in it.
What? Why? Because there are so very many idiots in this world, and they all called your mother.
Mr.
Thoreau, does she know how hard you worked on that commercial, sir? You know, you damn near shot it yourself.
If it were up to me, I'd just It's not up to you.
It's up to me.
Now, you're gonna give the script to Owen, and that's going to be the end of it.
Of course, sir.
Junior O.
Getting his shot.
Let me know if you need me to give you any performance tips.
Mr.
Thoreau, hey, um, is everyone gonna be part of the reshoot? Because we're all part of the dealership family, right? And also, just from a sales point of view, I mean, it might be good to throw in a tiny, scrappy salesman, you know, just to show scrappiness.
Mull it over.
SENIOR: You study that script and you come in tomorrow ready to do the damn thing.
Daddy, I appreciate your attempt to rectify this, but it's really not necessary.
Do you think I don't know that? The problem is we're both married to two crazy people who decided it was necessary.
"Both"? Don't tell me Melissa said something.
Everybody said something.
So, is there anybody else who would like to stop me on the way to the office? Big shoes to fill, hoss.
Hey.
Did you tell my mother that it looked like Marcus was my father's son? It did.
Oh, come on.
We talked this thing over.
You can't I mean [grunts.]
You you know we're reshooting the thing all over again, and and I have to do all the Marcus parts.
- Well, good.
- No, no, not good.
I don't want any part of this thing.
It didn't bug you seeing your father act that way with Marcus? No, no.
It did not.
No, no, people, uh, put that perception in my head, and and I wondered about that perception.
- I never embraced it.
- Really? Look, of all the things I hate about working there, have you ever heard me complain that I'm not in the commercials? No.
I don't care about commercials.
They just interrupt cartoons and people's sex lives and Baby.
Are you nervous? Yes.
I [sighs.]
I don't like cameras.
That's We're getting down to it.
Okay.
You listen to me.
You are going to be great.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're a good speaker.
And you're handsome, and people trust you.
And, by the way, if you ever plan on taking over this dealership, commercials come with the gig.
The root word is "commerce.
" L-I know, but Mar-Marcus and my father are are good at this sort of thing.
They're they're both very charismatic.
And if you ask me, you are extremely charismatic.
Nobody's gonna ask you.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Excuse me.
Hi! I'm Terry.
I was here about a month ago.
You interviewed me about being a big brother.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you look confused, which is funny, because I'm confused, too.
I mean, l-I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I just I felt like I was gonna get a kid.
- Oh.
- No worries.
I'm just I'm surprised.
Was there something that you felt I could have done differently? Okay, I don't know if you remember, but when you were here, I went over our policy in case you were not accepted into the program.
Sure, sure, sure.
I'm not allowed to disclose anything about the decision-making process.
I'm sorry.
A copy of the policy should have actually been in the letter that you got.
Absolutely, you know, and I get all that.
I do.
It's just but, you know, I just thought, um because it's kind of driving me a little nuts here, that maybe you could just give me a little information without, I mean or let me just ask you, was it because I'm single? And the reason I'm asking is because I really felt like that might be a good thing.
Because I don't have any other family, you know, and I could just focus completely on the kid.
Yeah, see, I'm sorry.
I really can't TERRY: Well, was there something in the background check? Oh, golly, by the way, l-I did realize when I got home that I had accidentally taken one of your pens.
Ooh, it wasn't that, was it? I mean, not exactly criminal behavior.
[Chuckles.]
Anyway anyway, I don't know if you remember, but, um I'm an actor.
Uh Okay.
TERRY: Yeah, now, I'm not exactly working in that field at this moment.
For that matter, you know, if I was a working actor, I'd probably be a lot less available, big brother-wise.
So, you know, I feel like that should have been in my favor.
You know, I love hiking and museums and going to the movies and doing all kinds of things that big brothers like to do, you know? Hell, I do that stuff already.
I'm sorry.
I really can't Let me just ask you this.
In the interview I did, was I flirtatious? Because I do that.
I just give that off.
And that had nothing to do with you.
N-Not that you're not attractive.
I mean, well, I just thought you know, I felt like we really connected, and Okay, look.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're a good guy.
It's no judgment on you.
Okay? Well, I'm sorry, but it's exactly a judgment on me.
Sir, I've said I can't help you, and this is really not appropriate, okay? I think it's time that you leave.
[Clears throat.]
[Sighs.]
Okay, okay.
All I'm saying is Look at that guy.
Huh? Who's a better big brother, me or Jerry Garcia over there? Right? His whole outfit's made out of hemp.
He's probably gonna take that shirt home and smoke it.
[Laughs.]
It's a joke.
Whatever.
Do I got to wear a vest? JOE: Every employee wears a vest.
Otherwise, customers just think you're an old perv who's into piñatas.
Where's your vest? I'm not an employee.
Ah, my first day, and I already hate the boss.
Yeah.
All right.
It'll get better.
Come on.
Just take the balloon, place it on here, away from you.
There it is.
[Balloon squeaks.]
It's all good.
We got plenty more where that came from.
[Laughing.]
I hope so.
[Indistinct talking.]
He goes to work every day Working for the man So, you have to run it under this blue-light thing to make sure it's not I used to just eyeball it.
You got party stores in your country? DASHAUN: We got some glittery, gold napkins.
It's pretty easy, right? [Chuckles.]
Who's got a banana? Anybody got a banana? Hey.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Would you believe I need more balloons? The receptionist in the office is retiring.
Oh, great.
Good.
Okay, dad, I got this.
Why don't you go see if Dashaun needs help in the back? Okay.
The parrot says, "Hey, mister, you know.
" [Laughs.]
That's a good one.
He said, "tu sabes.
" [Laughter.]
[Knock on door.]
Hey.
What, did Dashaun take off? I got to tell you, the music that kid plays on the jukebox gives me a headache.
That's my music.
Terrible.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, full day, Dad.
You okay? You tired? Nah.
The kid and Pedro did all the heavy lifting, you know.
His name's actually Carlos.
Who? Pedro.
Hey, what's with the tall number with the big chest? Are you puttin' an arm on her? [Laughs.]
She's a customer.
And if by "puttin' an arm on" you mean, am I dating her, no.
No, she's, uh, a little bit out of my league, don't you think? Oh, that's bullshit.
Your mom was way out of my league, but that didn't stop me.
You were only 8 years old.
You don't remember how pretty she was.
A knockout.
Yeah, I was 12, Dad.
I remember.
I remember plenty.
I thought you were younger than that.
No.
So, is Sunday good? 'Cause I don't care.
You can work any day you want here.
Nah, I'm done.
What do you mean? Ah, it was nice, but come on.
What? I don't get it.
You liked it here, right? Yeah, I had some fun, but this is work for kids.
I mean, if I'm gonna do this, I may as well stand in front of a department store and wave at all the assholes that come by.
What do you call those guys? - Greeters.
- Greeters.
Greeters.
JOE: Then, you know what? Why don't you work somewhere part time in hardware? You know, they got the Renovation U.
S.
A.
By your house.
You'd be perfect for that.
I'm too old.
Huh.
What is this? The '78 yankees.
Hmm.
Holy shit, what a team.
Dad, you're not too old.
Okay, I'm just talking part time.
You're wrong, kid.
I applied at that Renovation place, and the guy said I'm too old.
Well, they can't they can't do that, all right? For one thing, that's illegal.
It doesn't matter.
It matters, Dad.
What? You owned your own hardware store.
You're an expert at this.
You can do this.
You don't force yourself on people.
Nobody wants to be around a guy like that.
And that's fine.
Everybody has their time.
Everybody gets a turn, and mine's over.
I'm okay with that.
Thurman Munson.
Yeah, they don't make 'em like that anymore.
Remember him? Yeah.
Why are we here? I thought we were going to lunch.
I just I got to grab something real quick, okay? Just wait here.
I'm gonna be right back.
What do you need to get? I got to get a wrench.
[Laughs.]
I got wrenches.
Borrow one of mine.
Just don't leave it out.
Remember when you left my box out on the lawn and it got all rusty? I was 14.
Well, doesn't change the fact that it happened, boy.
Okay, just let me it's better if I get my own, all right? So just wait right here.
What kind of wrench do you need? Uh, socket, I think.
It's not for me.
I got a plumbing problem at the store, that's all.
Shouldn't try to fix it yourself.
Come on, hire a guy.
It's just a small thing.
A pipe needs to be tightened.
How big is the pipe? I don't know, dad.
Just give me a break.
One minute, that's it.
That pipe is gonna give you a break.
That'll be your break.
Anyway, your best bet is an adjustable pipe wrench.
Okay, I got it.
Got it.
Adjustable pipe wrench.
Ah, you're not gonna get the right one.
Come on.
[Truck door opens.]
[Knock on door.]
DAVE: Yo.
Ah, thank you very much.
Boy, you are on a tear today Ter.
Hey, I meant to ask you.
Did you get your little T Yet? You should bring him around for a day.
It'd be a great experience for a kid to see the real workforce.
Little T? Yeah, your little brother.
Did you get one yet? I sent out that reference form like three weeks ago.
Yeah, no, no, didn't get him yet.
What did you do? You mean in the break room? Nobody's name was on that cheesecake.
TERRY: No, what did you say about me to the Big Brother people? Aw.
You did not get a little T? No.
- I'm sorry, man.
- Sorry? Yeah.
What did you say to them? What did you do? Did you write stuff about about women and pot and What did you write? - Hey, okay, calm down, man.
- No, what did you write? Hey! What the hell's wrong with you? You think I'm dense, Ter? I wrote you a great recommendation.
What else would I do? I've worked in the corporate world for 27 years.
The one thing I know how to do is write a goddamned recommendation.
Read it.
You said I was punctual? Yeah, I lied my ass off on that thing.
I also said you were consistently pleasant.
And that's obviously not the case.
I don't know what to say, Dave.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kind of [sighs.]
Look, you are really wound up about this.
You know, I would never advise an employee to break the law, but if you've got some bud on you, I would take a break, spark it up, and find someplace to mellow out.
Right? I don't know.
If you think that's the right one, then okay.
Hey, you know, excuse me one second, Dad.
Where you going now? Just one second.
Be right back.
Excuse me, you're the manager? - Yes, sir.
- Good.
Um, see that guy there in the middle of the aisle by the wrenches? - Yes.
- That's my dad, Artie.
I'm Joe.
- Nice to meet you.
Yeah, yeah, how you doing? Um Did he interview for a job with you? Well, I remember he used to come in here a lot.
He's a very nice man.
And I remember one day he gave us an application, but we just don't have any room for him.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
We get about 30 applications a week, and there's not a lot of openings.
Look, I don't want to be a pain in the ass, but he must have told you that he owned his own hardware store for 40 years.
That's got to be an application that goes on top of the pile, no? Listen, I have no doubt that Artie would be a great asset.
But the openings we have require a lot of climbing up and down ladders and learning new computer systems.
Yeah, yeah, so, everybody in here who works here does all that stuff? I'm just saying, it's a very demanding job.
Right.
What, is that guy climbing a lot of ladders? MANAGER: Sir, I've answered your questions.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I need to get to work.
You didn't answer that one.
MAN: Does anybody in this store know anything? P.
A.
ANNOUNCER: Manager to plumbing.
Any available manager.
Excuse me.
MAN: I said a dielectric union for connecting pipes.
Why would I be in this section if I was looking for electronics? Okay, so electronics is Aisle 14.
Oh, my God.
Are you trying to connect an old, galvanized pipe to some new copper? Yeah.
I don't want to tell you your business, but these houses out here have been through a quake or two.
I bet the old pipe is in what they call dynamic equilibrium.
So you think I'd just be moving that leak around? Yeah, unless you want to keep coming back, you might as well replace the whole thing.
MAN: That's gonna raise my cost.
You know how people are.
They already think I'm a crook.
GRANDPA: They've got these fittings here with the solder and the flux already built in.
And, baby, that is gonna save you a buck or two.
- Really? - Yeah.
You should still wipe the flux to be safe, though.
Don't let the coupling do all the work.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
MAN: Turns out somebody in this place knows something.
[Chuckles.]
The kid's probably good with the computer, though, right? So, two days a week.
That's great, huh? Yeah, back to the grind.
What? I got to get a washer and fix that leaky sink.
[Sighs.]
All right.
But I thought there was a guy there that does everything.
Ah, that's bullshit.
[Laughs.]
I always thought that Joe was the boring one.
But apparently he does all the talking.
Yeah, but who knows what he's talking about half the time? [Both laugh.]
What happened with that whole, um, Big Brother thing? Not gonna happen.
Uh-huh.
So, do they have a "Big Half-Brother" program, you know, if the regular program is too much of a commitment? Hey, you could always, uh, just timeshare a kid.
Oh, I guess Joe does all the laughing around here, too.
They rejected me.
Really? Do you think it was because maybe they smelled, um, you know? How much do people think I smoke? Holy shit.
I don't know why they rejected me, but they did, okay? They're jerks, I guess! Or I am! - Okay.
- Let me ask you something.
Am I a bad guy? I mean, I know you guys think that I'm flaky and I can't get my life together and I can't commit to women and I'm, you know, Peter Pan or whatever the hell, but am I a bad guy? An actual bad guy? I mean, what is it about me that's not good enough to take care of a kid who's got nobody? Dude, you're a great guy.
And, yeah, I give you a lot of shit about your life, but someday I actually think you're gonna make a great father.
Thanks.
When the hell that day's gonna be is anybody's guess.
Well, maybe I shouldn't have said father.
Actually, you'll make a really cool grandfather.
Seriously, you want a kid that bad, take mine.
Go take them right now.
Start a summer camp, because that shit cost five grand.
We good? [Clears throat.]
I didn't even mention that you're a talented actor.
[Scoffs.]
- What? - No, no, man.
I'm saying I have a new appreciation for what you do.
You remember that commercial that I was talking about the other day? We're reshooting that shit, and I got to be in it.
Congratulations.
No, not congratulations.
I hate that shit, man.
It scares me to death.
It's no big deal.
What For you, maybe.
For me? I l-I don't like cameras.
Look at it this way.
Acting is pretending.
And don't you always talk about how you have to pretend to be an internet manager or sales associate or whatever, you know, to get over on people? I wouldn't say, "get over on people," but I'm with you.
So you're already an actor.
You play a bunch of characters in order to sell cars.
It's acting.
You do it under pressure in front of lots of people every day.
So just, you know do what you do.
Be yourself.
Sell a car.
MAN: This is what I want to do.
Right here.
Good.
Okay.
DIRECTOR: All right, everyone, let's clear.
[Slate claps.]
And Action.
SENIOR: Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
[Rushed, unclear speech.]
It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Cut! Slower, son.
And louder so all the people in TV land can hear you.
Okay, guys.
Back to one.
And Action.
Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Cut! Wow! That's weird, you know? Suddenly you're just aware of the weight of every word coming out of your mouth.
- Just relax.
- Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
It just Just be myself and sell a car, right? - Right.
- Right.
And Action! It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Slower! I think the problem is the speed of my words is not working with the speed of how I'm walking.
It's The Thoreau Spring Sales Event.
DIRECTOR: Cut! OWEN: What about if we use cue cards or something? Or like a teleprompter or something like they use on the weather or the news or something? Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time oh.
Sorry.
[Grunting.]
I got it, I got it.
Ready.
Cut! I was waiting for the camera to move.
Do I move first? Sorry.
Sorry.
SENIOR: The time to buy is right now.
[Thud.]
Now, if Mary Poppins can do it, you can do it.
April showers bring May I can do it perfectly now.
It's just when the camera's on, I just Ow.
Wait, something's wrong.
[Slate claps.]
Action.
SENIOR: Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Umbrella.
Cut! Sorry, I I was thinking, "Wow, I did that perfectly," and the the whole umbrella thing just went out of my head.
You know what? I think we all ought to just go to lunch and come back to this.
DIRECTOR: We still got to get him to do the line about the Chevy Facebook page.
SENIOR: Facebook page? He can't even open a damn umbrella.
I'm sorry, everybody.
I'm just, you know, trying to be myself.
Well, maybe you better be somebody else, 'cause that ain't working.
Look, Daddy, why don't we just stop this, you know? I don't want to do this.
Just use the Marcus commercial.
Well, son, I agree.
But we've two very intelligent women in our lives who've come to the same stupid conclusion.
That's true.
I mean, it is just them, right? I mean, you don't think that I was trying to pass Marcus off as being you.
No, Daddy, we're cool.
Good.
Good.
Yeah.
I still don't see how people get that impression.
I mean, I put my arm around customers all the time.
I'm a very warm person.
I know.
Okay, so, now, Marcus is not my son, but he can walk and talk without sounding like he's got a mouthful of cheese balls.
So let's you and me put our heads together and figure something out.
Yeah.
All right.
So [whistles.]
[Alarm clock buzzes.]
What'd you set the alarm for? It's Sunday.
Yes, it is.
8:23.
Time for the premiere of the new commercial.
a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
MARCUS: It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
But April showers [thunder crashes.]
Bring May savings.
Honey, what I mean Shh.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
- Malibus - Camaros.
- May the best car win! But one thing you can count on here at Thoreau chevrolet.
In today's economy, your family is going through hard times.
And our family is here to help.
Right, son? Thoreau Chevrolet in Encino.
All-star cars for all-star customers.
Congratulations, honey.
Oh, thank you.
Ahh.
Now who wants to get sexy with a television star? I would, but we have three anti-sex machines.
No, no, the baby's asleep, and the boys are with their uncle.
Uncle? TERRY: Hey, listen.
[Whistling.]
[Both laugh.]
Wah-ah-ah.
Can I take these glasses off now, guys? BOTH: Yeah.
Everything still looks like it's 3-D out here, huh? That was a good movie, wasn't it? - Yeah.
- You guys liked it? - Yeah.
Yeah, I liked it, too.
Am I look at me.
Am I 3-D or 4-D or anything? - No? - No.
All right, look, we're gonna make one more stop before we go home, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
- Just stopping by.
- Hi.
Crazy thing I found that pen of yours that I left with, and it was just leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
So I really wanted to return it.
Guys, want to go get some pizza? - Yeah.
- Yeah? All right.
Let's go.
I'm gonna get a soda.
It's my second one.
Ow! Oh! TERRY: Michael you okay? We're okay!
[Smooching.]
Good morning.
Mm-hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Unh-unh.
What are you trying to start this morning? Just admiring.
[Chuckles.]
Ah.
I'm not opposed to getting something started.
Oh, I see.
You think you can handle me first thing in the morning? Damn right.
[Door opens.]
- Mom, Grandpa's on TV! - Mom, Grandpa's on TV! You got to knock! Come on, guys! Ohh! It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
SENIOR: But April showers [s woosh.]
Bring May savings! - We got Equinoxes - Traverses We got Malibus - Camaros.
- May the best car win! SENIOR: And one thing you can count on here at Thoreau Chevrolet.
MARCUS: In today's economy, your family is going through hard times.
And our family is here to help.
ANNOUNCER: Thoreau Chevrolet in Encino.
All-star cars for all-star customers.
When I grow up to be a man Will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid? Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did? Will I joke around Will I still joke around And still dig those sounds And still dig those sounds When I grow up to be a man? My father ruined some perfectly good sex this morning.
Well, my first question is, why was he there in the first place? No, our our new commercial was on.
And, um, at the end of it, he says some shit about family and then throws his arm around Marcus.
And now Melissa's going on about how he's trying to make everybody think that's his son.
Television in the bedroom is always a bad idea.
Not really the point.
Do you think that's what your dad's doing? No.
I don't know.
Well, you got to get it straightened out.
Marcus good-Iooking guy.
You don't want people to meet you and go, "Wow, what happened?" [Laughs.]
"Where did you Wow.
" [Laughs.]
Actually gonna go see my dad this weekend.
Oh, yeah? How's Artie doing? Good.
You know, the angio thing went good.
Back to normal.
Doctor said fully recovered.
Glad to hear.
That's great.
How's he like it up there? JOE: Yeah, it's good there.
Yeah, they got the walking trails and the golf courses.
They got a town square with a gazebo and all that shit.
So a lot of old people.
Play a lot of boccie up there, do they? Yeah, no, I think he likes it.
It's hard to tell with him.
You know him.
He's not a big talker or or hugger or smiler.
I wish my dad were upstate somewhere boccie balling.
So, um, I know I'm gonna take shit for this, but since we're on the subject, I might as well tell you.
I'm gonna be a big brother.
Wha you mean you mean father? 'Cause that's what we were talking about fathers.
So I guess you got somebody pregnant? That's what I'm thinking.
[Chuckles.]
I'm talking about big brother as in the Big Brothers organization.
I applied and interviewed, and I should be meeting my little brother sometime this week.
Really? That's, um - Wow.
- That's cool.
Real cool.
Why? OWEN: Yeah, isn't that like a big commitment for you? Two days a week, one hour a day? Here we go.
Yeah, give him some slack, man.
He's gonna be good.
You'll be good.
You'll be a great big brother.
Maybe you should start slow, though, like a ventriloquist's dummy? Right.
Okay.
OWEN: No, this is a kid who goes from the danger of drug-infested streets to a safe, marijuana-filled home.
JOE: Right.
Yeah, plus most kids got to buy a Playboy to see a naked woman.
Not your guy.
Well, if the kid's mother is still on the scene, you're not supposed to screw her.
- Yeah, don't do that.
- You know that, right? - That's that's frowned upon.
- Yeah.
[Both laughing.]
You know, you guys you know, you give me shit for doing nothing with my life, and now I'm doing something, and you're still giving me shit.
Yeah, right.
No, right.
Look, it's great.
It's just it's kind of out of nowhere.
I was reading this article in Z magazine.
- There's a magazine called Z? - I don't know, man.
Basically it was saying that of all the social programs, this one still holds water.
These kids, they suffer from a lack of a strong, male presence.
Plus, I like the idea of mentoring someone and helping them avoid mistakes that could screw up their life.
Most of all, it's something I wish somebody had done for me when I was growing up.
That's gonna be one screwed-up kid.
Oh, a frickin' nut job, that kid.
[Laughs.]
LUC Y: So, we're gonna go right after dinner, right? Yes, Lucy, I said that three times already.
Come on.
How about let's just have a nice visit.
ALBERT: Last time we came, Grandpa Artie wore the same pants all four days.
What? No.
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
- You remember, right? - Yeah.
He's probably got four or five of the same pants.
Old people do that.
[Doorbell rings.]
LUC Y: Maybe we just should've brought two cars.
And no screens.
Nope, no phones, no screens.
- Pocket.
Pocket.
- What? No TV even? JOE: Talking.
Conversation.
[Door opens.]
- Hey, there they are.
- Hey, Dad.
- Come on in.
Come on in.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Same pants.
[Water dripping.]
Hey, Dad, must be nice got a movie theater a couple blocks away, right? You see anything good? Mm, not really, you know.
Been there once or twice, you know.
Yeah.
Oh, did I tell you? Lucy won an award for her writing.
You don't say.
Yeah, our winter writing project was about applying for grants and stuff like that.
So I did mine on solar power, trying to get funding for this project in the desert that would power over a million homes.
Wow.
Pretty good.
[Chuckles.]
JOE: Albert made the golf team, too.
GRANDPA: Really? That's pretty good, too, baby.
ALBERT: Speaking of golf, the championships on right now.
Want to put on the TV? No.
No.
Dad, what's what do you got up there, a leak? Yep.
[Chuckles.]
So why don't you fix it? This place has a guy.
They like him to do it.
Well, since when do you let anybody fix anything for you? GRANDPA: They like him to do it.
JOE: Yeah, but do they know that you're not just some That you owned a hardware store, you know what you're doing? Let 'em fix it.
What do I care? [Sighs.]
What do you say we, uh, fire up the TV, see what the championship's up to? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Nickelson made a run yesterday.
- Yeah.
[Crowd cheering on TV.]
Knock, knock.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Your mailbox still isn't fixed.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, what is all this? We got some lentils going on over here.
- Hmm.
- Got a dash of cumin and some lime juice.
But the secret the secret is golden raisins, not regular.
- Hmm.
- Taste.
Mmm! - It's good, right? - Mm-hmm.
Getting the whole play between the thyme and the raisins and - Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Let me taste.
Hmm.
Is that menthol chap stick? It clashes with the cumin.
Try again.
Mm.
You know, I think it kind of provides an interesting counterpoint to the, uh Mm.
Mm.
Screw the lentils.
Come on, I spent the whole morning making them.
[Giggles.]
JOE: Plenty of time for everything.
- Alright.
Hey.
- Hey.
What? "Big Brother.
" - Yeah.
- What's this? Yep, that is right.
But don't worry.
I'll still have time for you.
You don't have time for me now, so how would that be a worry? I'm kidding.
This is great.
You're gonna be a great big brother.
Thank you.
Um by the way, this is a 12-year-old kid we're talking about here, so you might want to start wearing a bra.
You want the kid to come back, right? JOE: [Laughs.]
What? Nothing.
Just, uh the good news is, you're gonna be able to walk around here naked if you want to.
It just doesn't make any sense.
I'm sure the reason is something stupid.
Well, I'm sure, too.
I mean, I had great references.
The interview was incredible.
I mean, we connected, you know.
Smiles and eye contact, understanding nods.
The whole package.
I murdered it.
- Terry - I mean, who gets rejected from being a big brother, for God's sake? Aren't these kids who live in poverty and come from broken homes? I mean, are they really saying, "you know what's worse? A couple hours with that guy.
" - Well, let me ask you.
- [Sighs.]
Yeah? That day, did you No.
So, you didn't have any kind of, like, residual high during the interview? - How much pot do you think I smoke? Not that much.
I aced that interview.
I thought they were gonna give me five kids.
And at the end, she gave me the two-handed handshake.
You know, not just the formal, "nice to meet you," but, uh, "really nice to meet you.
" Huh? Okay, well they suggest a whole bunch of other things here that you can do.
What about animal rescue? Oh, yeah, I'm not good enough for a human, so I should settle on a dog.
Okay, well, there's community improvement.
Do they give me an orange jumpsuit, or do I have to get my own? [Sighs.]
Look at this.
You could plant trees.
We could plant trees together.
[Sighs.]
Mmm! That kid is gonna be missing out on some awesome lentils.
Kids hate lentils.
And one thing you can count on here at Thoreau Chevrolet.
MARCUS: In today's economy, your family is going through hard times.
And our family is here to help.
[Tapping on glass.]
This this is probably stupid, but, um you think this commercial gives the wrong impression? Oh, hell, yes.
You do? Really? Of course.
I mean, when your dad says, "our family is here to help," and then it's just him and Marcus? "Family" means all of us, right? We should all be in that commercial.
O-kay.
Uh, but what I'm saying is, does it seem like Marcus is his son? Nah.
Although I kind of see what you're saying.
You know, if you're worried about it, you should just ask your dad to reshoot.
Put the whole family in there, and that'll get rid of the confusion you're talking about.
My mom keeps asking me when I'm gonna be in one of these commercials, man.
It's like she's Hey, sir, this spot looks great, okay? Alot already a bunch of customers have come in and said that's the reason why they're here.
Good.
Owen's got a thing, though.
You got a thing? Yeah, just some constructive criticism.
You know, I'm getting a car washed.
And the customer's waiting, so So, what's your "thing"? Well Okay, look at this.
You see where you put your arm around Marcus here? SENIOR: Mm-hmm.
You did that right as you were saying the words "our family.
" Mm-hmm.
I'm just thinking it could seem, possibly, to some that you were presenting Marcus as your son.
That's so very stupid, I don't know where to begin.
Well, I'm not saying definitely.
I'm just I mean, I have taken pictures with millions of fans all over this country with my arm about them in that exact same pose.
And do you think people assume that each one of them is my child? No.
- What is it, then? - Well Well, you want to be in the commercial? No! Then if I were you, I would start worrying more about sales and less about whether or not people think Marcus is my son, because anybody that looks at that commercial and thinks that is an idiot.
Let me stop you, Joyce.
That is not Owen in the commercial.
Oh, it seems like it, huh? But of course it's not.
I mean, you know Owen.
You know our son.
Well, he's much heavier.
You've seen him.
He's overweight.
Look, Joyce, I think if you look at the commercial again, you'll see it's not him.
Okay? I'll talk to you later.
Mm-hmm.
[Telephone receiver slams.]
[Telephone ringing.]
[Crowd clapping on TV.]
[Claps.]
Okay.
Come on.
Let's go do something.
I don't know.
Let's go take a walk.
- No.
- Nah.
It's nice here, dad.
Trees, fresh air.
It's real nice.
Yeah, great.
This is what you should do every day get out, walk, every day.
Hey, hey, hey, fella.
Where's your roof coating? You know you're gonna have to put some on the tip of that.
Okay, Dad.
Sorry.
He used to own a hardware store.
- Let the man work.
- No, that's cool.
Actually, sir, I'm using pressure-treated redwood.
I'm gonna drop six inches of gravel in the hole.
Unh-unh, unh-unh.
That's all rookie stuff.
You want to do a professional job, you have to slap a little pitch on there.
Come on.
[Laughs.]
You must be an East coaster.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, here we don't get enough rain to worry about that extra layer of weatherproofing.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks a lot, Ann Landers.
Okay, Dad.
Hey, thank you.
See you around.
- Yeah.
- [Chuckling.]
Actually, dad, you're the one giving advice, so if anybody's Ann Landers, it's you.
Ah, that's rookie crap.
[Chuckling.]
Anyway, like I'm saying, you got to do this every day.
Get out here, take a walk.
Ah, the only guy who walks around the same neighborhood every day is the guy who can't get a job.
[Chuckles.]
Dad, that's not you.
You're you're retired.
Yeah, great.
Ha! JOE: So, this is my dad, Artie.
He's gonna be helping us out here a bit.
- Okay, this is Maria.
- How you doing? - Dashaun.
- What's going on, Artie? And Carlos.
You sweep? I'm agreeing with you, my sister's totally fat.
I get it.
MARCUS: Sounds like part elf- part sasquatch.
She's mostly Sasquatch.
You said she was 6 feet tall.
- Sounds like Sasquatch to me.
- 90/10 sasquatch, elf.
MARCUS: She's a big girl.
We're talking a fat little Lawrence with a wig? Yeah, that's pretty good, actually.
She's kind of hot.
Whoa.
We've got to redo this commercial with you in it.
What? Why? Because there are so very many idiots in this world, and they all called your mother.
Mr.
Thoreau, does she know how hard you worked on that commercial, sir? You know, you damn near shot it yourself.
If it were up to me, I'd just It's not up to you.
It's up to me.
Now, you're gonna give the script to Owen, and that's going to be the end of it.
Of course, sir.
Junior O.
Getting his shot.
Let me know if you need me to give you any performance tips.
Mr.
Thoreau, hey, um, is everyone gonna be part of the reshoot? Because we're all part of the dealership family, right? And also, just from a sales point of view, I mean, it might be good to throw in a tiny, scrappy salesman, you know, just to show scrappiness.
Mull it over.
SENIOR: You study that script and you come in tomorrow ready to do the damn thing.
Daddy, I appreciate your attempt to rectify this, but it's really not necessary.
Do you think I don't know that? The problem is we're both married to two crazy people who decided it was necessary.
"Both"? Don't tell me Melissa said something.
Everybody said something.
So, is there anybody else who would like to stop me on the way to the office? Big shoes to fill, hoss.
Hey.
Did you tell my mother that it looked like Marcus was my father's son? It did.
Oh, come on.
We talked this thing over.
You can't I mean [grunts.]
You you know we're reshooting the thing all over again, and and I have to do all the Marcus parts.
- Well, good.
- No, no, not good.
I don't want any part of this thing.
It didn't bug you seeing your father act that way with Marcus? No, no.
It did not.
No, no, people, uh, put that perception in my head, and and I wondered about that perception.
- I never embraced it.
- Really? Look, of all the things I hate about working there, have you ever heard me complain that I'm not in the commercials? No.
I don't care about commercials.
They just interrupt cartoons and people's sex lives and Baby.
Are you nervous? Yes.
I [sighs.]
I don't like cameras.
That's We're getting down to it.
Okay.
You listen to me.
You are going to be great.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're a good speaker.
And you're handsome, and people trust you.
And, by the way, if you ever plan on taking over this dealership, commercials come with the gig.
The root word is "commerce.
" L-I know, but Mar-Marcus and my father are are good at this sort of thing.
They're they're both very charismatic.
And if you ask me, you are extremely charismatic.
Nobody's gonna ask you.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Excuse me.
Hi! I'm Terry.
I was here about a month ago.
You interviewed me about being a big brother.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you look confused, which is funny, because I'm confused, too.
I mean, l-I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I just I felt like I was gonna get a kid.
- Oh.
- No worries.
I'm just I'm surprised.
Was there something that you felt I could have done differently? Okay, I don't know if you remember, but when you were here, I went over our policy in case you were not accepted into the program.
Sure, sure, sure.
I'm not allowed to disclose anything about the decision-making process.
I'm sorry.
A copy of the policy should have actually been in the letter that you got.
Absolutely, you know, and I get all that.
I do.
It's just but, you know, I just thought, um because it's kind of driving me a little nuts here, that maybe you could just give me a little information without, I mean or let me just ask you, was it because I'm single? And the reason I'm asking is because I really felt like that might be a good thing.
Because I don't have any other family, you know, and I could just focus completely on the kid.
Yeah, see, I'm sorry.
I really can't TERRY: Well, was there something in the background check? Oh, golly, by the way, l-I did realize when I got home that I had accidentally taken one of your pens.
Ooh, it wasn't that, was it? I mean, not exactly criminal behavior.
[Chuckles.]
Anyway anyway, I don't know if you remember, but, um I'm an actor.
Uh Okay.
TERRY: Yeah, now, I'm not exactly working in that field at this moment.
For that matter, you know, if I was a working actor, I'd probably be a lot less available, big brother-wise.
So, you know, I feel like that should have been in my favor.
You know, I love hiking and museums and going to the movies and doing all kinds of things that big brothers like to do, you know? Hell, I do that stuff already.
I'm sorry.
I really can't Let me just ask you this.
In the interview I did, was I flirtatious? Because I do that.
I just give that off.
And that had nothing to do with you.
N-Not that you're not attractive.
I mean, well, I just thought you know, I felt like we really connected, and Okay, look.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're a good guy.
It's no judgment on you.
Okay? Well, I'm sorry, but it's exactly a judgment on me.
Sir, I've said I can't help you, and this is really not appropriate, okay? I think it's time that you leave.
[Clears throat.]
[Sighs.]
Okay, okay.
All I'm saying is Look at that guy.
Huh? Who's a better big brother, me or Jerry Garcia over there? Right? His whole outfit's made out of hemp.
He's probably gonna take that shirt home and smoke it.
[Laughs.]
It's a joke.
Whatever.
Do I got to wear a vest? JOE: Every employee wears a vest.
Otherwise, customers just think you're an old perv who's into piñatas.
Where's your vest? I'm not an employee.
Ah, my first day, and I already hate the boss.
Yeah.
All right.
It'll get better.
Come on.
Just take the balloon, place it on here, away from you.
There it is.
[Balloon squeaks.]
It's all good.
We got plenty more where that came from.
[Laughing.]
I hope so.
[Indistinct talking.]
He goes to work every day Working for the man So, you have to run it under this blue-light thing to make sure it's not I used to just eyeball it.
You got party stores in your country? DASHAUN: We got some glittery, gold napkins.
It's pretty easy, right? [Chuckles.]
Who's got a banana? Anybody got a banana? Hey.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Would you believe I need more balloons? The receptionist in the office is retiring.
Oh, great.
Good.
Okay, dad, I got this.
Why don't you go see if Dashaun needs help in the back? Okay.
The parrot says, "Hey, mister, you know.
" [Laughs.]
That's a good one.
He said, "tu sabes.
" [Laughter.]
[Knock on door.]
Hey.
What, did Dashaun take off? I got to tell you, the music that kid plays on the jukebox gives me a headache.
That's my music.
Terrible.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, full day, Dad.
You okay? You tired? Nah.
The kid and Pedro did all the heavy lifting, you know.
His name's actually Carlos.
Who? Pedro.
Hey, what's with the tall number with the big chest? Are you puttin' an arm on her? [Laughs.]
She's a customer.
And if by "puttin' an arm on" you mean, am I dating her, no.
No, she's, uh, a little bit out of my league, don't you think? Oh, that's bullshit.
Your mom was way out of my league, but that didn't stop me.
You were only 8 years old.
You don't remember how pretty she was.
A knockout.
Yeah, I was 12, Dad.
I remember.
I remember plenty.
I thought you were younger than that.
No.
So, is Sunday good? 'Cause I don't care.
You can work any day you want here.
Nah, I'm done.
What do you mean? Ah, it was nice, but come on.
What? I don't get it.
You liked it here, right? Yeah, I had some fun, but this is work for kids.
I mean, if I'm gonna do this, I may as well stand in front of a department store and wave at all the assholes that come by.
What do you call those guys? - Greeters.
- Greeters.
Greeters.
JOE: Then, you know what? Why don't you work somewhere part time in hardware? You know, they got the Renovation U.
S.
A.
By your house.
You'd be perfect for that.
I'm too old.
Huh.
What is this? The '78 yankees.
Hmm.
Holy shit, what a team.
Dad, you're not too old.
Okay, I'm just talking part time.
You're wrong, kid.
I applied at that Renovation place, and the guy said I'm too old.
Well, they can't they can't do that, all right? For one thing, that's illegal.
It doesn't matter.
It matters, Dad.
What? You owned your own hardware store.
You're an expert at this.
You can do this.
You don't force yourself on people.
Nobody wants to be around a guy like that.
And that's fine.
Everybody has their time.
Everybody gets a turn, and mine's over.
I'm okay with that.
Thurman Munson.
Yeah, they don't make 'em like that anymore.
Remember him? Yeah.
Why are we here? I thought we were going to lunch.
I just I got to grab something real quick, okay? Just wait here.
I'm gonna be right back.
What do you need to get? I got to get a wrench.
[Laughs.]
I got wrenches.
Borrow one of mine.
Just don't leave it out.
Remember when you left my box out on the lawn and it got all rusty? I was 14.
Well, doesn't change the fact that it happened, boy.
Okay, just let me it's better if I get my own, all right? So just wait right here.
What kind of wrench do you need? Uh, socket, I think.
It's not for me.
I got a plumbing problem at the store, that's all.
Shouldn't try to fix it yourself.
Come on, hire a guy.
It's just a small thing.
A pipe needs to be tightened.
How big is the pipe? I don't know, dad.
Just give me a break.
One minute, that's it.
That pipe is gonna give you a break.
That'll be your break.
Anyway, your best bet is an adjustable pipe wrench.
Okay, I got it.
Got it.
Adjustable pipe wrench.
Ah, you're not gonna get the right one.
Come on.
[Truck door opens.]
[Knock on door.]
DAVE: Yo.
Ah, thank you very much.
Boy, you are on a tear today Ter.
Hey, I meant to ask you.
Did you get your little T Yet? You should bring him around for a day.
It'd be a great experience for a kid to see the real workforce.
Little T? Yeah, your little brother.
Did you get one yet? I sent out that reference form like three weeks ago.
Yeah, no, no, didn't get him yet.
What did you do? You mean in the break room? Nobody's name was on that cheesecake.
TERRY: No, what did you say about me to the Big Brother people? Aw.
You did not get a little T? No.
- I'm sorry, man.
- Sorry? Yeah.
What did you say to them? What did you do? Did you write stuff about about women and pot and What did you write? - Hey, okay, calm down, man.
- No, what did you write? Hey! What the hell's wrong with you? You think I'm dense, Ter? I wrote you a great recommendation.
What else would I do? I've worked in the corporate world for 27 years.
The one thing I know how to do is write a goddamned recommendation.
Read it.
You said I was punctual? Yeah, I lied my ass off on that thing.
I also said you were consistently pleasant.
And that's obviously not the case.
I don't know what to say, Dave.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kind of [sighs.]
Look, you are really wound up about this.
You know, I would never advise an employee to break the law, but if you've got some bud on you, I would take a break, spark it up, and find someplace to mellow out.
Right? I don't know.
If you think that's the right one, then okay.
Hey, you know, excuse me one second, Dad.
Where you going now? Just one second.
Be right back.
Excuse me, you're the manager? - Yes, sir.
- Good.
Um, see that guy there in the middle of the aisle by the wrenches? - Yes.
- That's my dad, Artie.
I'm Joe.
- Nice to meet you.
Yeah, yeah, how you doing? Um Did he interview for a job with you? Well, I remember he used to come in here a lot.
He's a very nice man.
And I remember one day he gave us an application, but we just don't have any room for him.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
We get about 30 applications a week, and there's not a lot of openings.
Look, I don't want to be a pain in the ass, but he must have told you that he owned his own hardware store for 40 years.
That's got to be an application that goes on top of the pile, no? Listen, I have no doubt that Artie would be a great asset.
But the openings we have require a lot of climbing up and down ladders and learning new computer systems.
Yeah, yeah, so, everybody in here who works here does all that stuff? I'm just saying, it's a very demanding job.
Right.
What, is that guy climbing a lot of ladders? MANAGER: Sir, I've answered your questions.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I need to get to work.
You didn't answer that one.
MAN: Does anybody in this store know anything? P.
A.
ANNOUNCER: Manager to plumbing.
Any available manager.
Excuse me.
MAN: I said a dielectric union for connecting pipes.
Why would I be in this section if I was looking for electronics? Okay, so electronics is Aisle 14.
Oh, my God.
Are you trying to connect an old, galvanized pipe to some new copper? Yeah.
I don't want to tell you your business, but these houses out here have been through a quake or two.
I bet the old pipe is in what they call dynamic equilibrium.
So you think I'd just be moving that leak around? Yeah, unless you want to keep coming back, you might as well replace the whole thing.
MAN: That's gonna raise my cost.
You know how people are.
They already think I'm a crook.
GRANDPA: They've got these fittings here with the solder and the flux already built in.
And, baby, that is gonna save you a buck or two.
- Really? - Yeah.
You should still wipe the flux to be safe, though.
Don't let the coupling do all the work.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
MAN: Turns out somebody in this place knows something.
[Chuckles.]
The kid's probably good with the computer, though, right? So, two days a week.
That's great, huh? Yeah, back to the grind.
What? I got to get a washer and fix that leaky sink.
[Sighs.]
All right.
But I thought there was a guy there that does everything.
Ah, that's bullshit.
[Laughs.]
I always thought that Joe was the boring one.
But apparently he does all the talking.
Yeah, but who knows what he's talking about half the time? [Both laugh.]
What happened with that whole, um, Big Brother thing? Not gonna happen.
Uh-huh.
So, do they have a "Big Half-Brother" program, you know, if the regular program is too much of a commitment? Hey, you could always, uh, just timeshare a kid.
Oh, I guess Joe does all the laughing around here, too.
They rejected me.
Really? Do you think it was because maybe they smelled, um, you know? How much do people think I smoke? Holy shit.
I don't know why they rejected me, but they did, okay? They're jerks, I guess! Or I am! - Okay.
- Let me ask you something.
Am I a bad guy? I mean, I know you guys think that I'm flaky and I can't get my life together and I can't commit to women and I'm, you know, Peter Pan or whatever the hell, but am I a bad guy? An actual bad guy? I mean, what is it about me that's not good enough to take care of a kid who's got nobody? Dude, you're a great guy.
And, yeah, I give you a lot of shit about your life, but someday I actually think you're gonna make a great father.
Thanks.
When the hell that day's gonna be is anybody's guess.
Well, maybe I shouldn't have said father.
Actually, you'll make a really cool grandfather.
Seriously, you want a kid that bad, take mine.
Go take them right now.
Start a summer camp, because that shit cost five grand.
We good? [Clears throat.]
I didn't even mention that you're a talented actor.
[Scoffs.]
- What? - No, no, man.
I'm saying I have a new appreciation for what you do.
You remember that commercial that I was talking about the other day? We're reshooting that shit, and I got to be in it.
Congratulations.
No, not congratulations.
I hate that shit, man.
It scares me to death.
It's no big deal.
What For you, maybe.
For me? I l-I don't like cameras.
Look at it this way.
Acting is pretending.
And don't you always talk about how you have to pretend to be an internet manager or sales associate or whatever, you know, to get over on people? I wouldn't say, "get over on people," but I'm with you.
So you're already an actor.
You play a bunch of characters in order to sell cars.
It's acting.
You do it under pressure in front of lots of people every day.
So just, you know do what you do.
Be yourself.
Sell a car.
MAN: This is what I want to do.
Right here.
Good.
Okay.
DIRECTOR: All right, everyone, let's clear.
[Slate claps.]
And Action.
SENIOR: Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
[Rushed, unclear speech.]
It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Cut! Slower, son.
And louder so all the people in TV land can hear you.
Okay, guys.
Back to one.
And Action.
Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Cut! Wow! That's weird, you know? Suddenly you're just aware of the weight of every word coming out of your mouth.
- Just relax.
- Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
It just Just be myself and sell a car, right? - Right.
- Right.
And Action! It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Slower! I think the problem is the speed of my words is not working with the speed of how I'm walking.
It's The Thoreau Spring Sales Event.
DIRECTOR: Cut! OWEN: What about if we use cue cards or something? Or like a teleprompter or something like they use on the weather or the news or something? Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time oh.
Sorry.
[Grunting.]
I got it, I got it.
Ready.
Cut! I was waiting for the camera to move.
Do I move first? Sorry.
Sorry.
SENIOR: The time to buy is right now.
[Thud.]
Now, if Mary Poppins can do it, you can do it.
April showers bring May I can do it perfectly now.
It's just when the camera's on, I just Ow.
Wait, something's wrong.
[Slate claps.]
Action.
SENIOR: Do you need a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
April showers bring May savings.
Umbrella.
Cut! Sorry, I I was thinking, "Wow, I did that perfectly," and the the whole umbrella thing just went out of my head.
You know what? I think we all ought to just go to lunch and come back to this.
DIRECTOR: We still got to get him to do the line about the Chevy Facebook page.
SENIOR: Facebook page? He can't even open a damn umbrella.
I'm sorry, everybody.
I'm just, you know, trying to be myself.
Well, maybe you better be somebody else, 'cause that ain't working.
Look, Daddy, why don't we just stop this, you know? I don't want to do this.
Just use the Marcus commercial.
Well, son, I agree.
But we've two very intelligent women in our lives who've come to the same stupid conclusion.
That's true.
I mean, it is just them, right? I mean, you don't think that I was trying to pass Marcus off as being you.
No, Daddy, we're cool.
Good.
Good.
Yeah.
I still don't see how people get that impression.
I mean, I put my arm around customers all the time.
I'm a very warm person.
I know.
Okay, so, now, Marcus is not my son, but he can walk and talk without sounding like he's got a mouthful of cheese balls.
So let's you and me put our heads together and figure something out.
Yeah.
All right.
So [whistles.]
[Alarm clock buzzes.]
What'd you set the alarm for? It's Sunday.
Yes, it is.
8:23.
Time for the premiere of the new commercial.
a new car or have a trade-in? The time to buy is right now.
MARCUS: It's the Thoreau spring sales event.
But April showers [thunder crashes.]
Bring May savings.
Honey, what I mean Shh.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
- Malibus - Camaros.
- May the best car win! But one thing you can count on here at Thoreau chevrolet.
In today's economy, your family is going through hard times.
And our family is here to help.
Right, son? Thoreau Chevrolet in Encino.
All-star cars for all-star customers.
Congratulations, honey.
Oh, thank you.
Ahh.
Now who wants to get sexy with a television star? I would, but we have three anti-sex machines.
No, no, the baby's asleep, and the boys are with their uncle.
Uncle? TERRY: Hey, listen.
[Whistling.]
[Both laugh.]
Wah-ah-ah.
Can I take these glasses off now, guys? BOTH: Yeah.
Everything still looks like it's 3-D out here, huh? That was a good movie, wasn't it? - Yeah.
- You guys liked it? - Yeah.
Yeah, I liked it, too.
Am I look at me.
Am I 3-D or 4-D or anything? - No? - No.
All right, look, we're gonna make one more stop before we go home, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
- Just stopping by.
- Hi.
Crazy thing I found that pen of yours that I left with, and it was just leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
So I really wanted to return it.
Guys, want to go get some pizza? - Yeah.
- Yeah? All right.
Let's go.
I'm gonna get a soda.
It's my second one.
Ow! Oh! TERRY: Michael you okay? We're okay!