Mind Your Language (1977) s01e07 Episode Script

- Mr.
Brown - Oh, hello Miss Courtney - Why are you creeping about? - I didn't want to disturb you How very considerate! Would you mind creeping into my office for a moment? I want a word with you You may sit Now Mr.
Brown The other evening after everybody had gone - I went into the gentlemen's toilet - I'm sure it was a perfectly natural mistake I went because the caretaker had complained about the graffiti on the walls Mr.
Brown, It's just not good enough Oh I don't know, I thought some of it was rather witty It's disgusting Somebody had written Enoch Powell rules O.
K.
Well with all due respect I'd hardly call that disgusting I't was what was written underneath that I found objectionable - And what was that? - Miss Courtney is crackers I't may not have been one of my students who was responsible There certainly was How can you be so sure? Who else but a foreigner would spell crackers K.
R.
A.
K.
K.
E.
R.
S.
I'll see it doesn't happen again - Just one more thing Mr.
Brown - Yes Miss Courtney In a few wees time Your students will be sitting for their lower Cambridge certificate Yes, and we're all looking forward to it I'm sure they're all going to pass with flying colours You have more faith in them than I have Here is a set of last years examination papers I suggest this evening that you set your students a moc exam And see how good or otherwise they are - Closer - ls alright - Velly good - Don't forget to be getting my turban in Smilo pleaso - Now who wants a picture? - Yes please! One for my brother - Two for me - Ah so One for me, please Me too You too or you two? - One too - One One too for me, please That is, I am meaning one too as well, not one two I would like also to be having one for me! And one for my mother and one for my father and one for my brother and one for my sister and one for my uncle and one for my aunty And one for his donkey Stickies and stonies may break my bonies but names will never be hurting me you clever monkey - Seven? - Correcto - Your book Danielle - Thank you Max It's alright - Your handbag - Just a minute Next time you carry the handbag No I think it'suits you more Hey give me a kiss - Your handbag - Thank you Giovanni You just missed it We are having our photographs taken by Taro Taro, I would like very much for you to take a photograph of me I'll take your picture - You have not the camera - Sure I've got a camera at my home You come back with me after the class and we take lots of pictures Then we can see what develops - What do you say? - I say no - You want a picture in classroom? - Yes How about here? - Bellissima - Amorfo Higher Excuse please No more higher you are giving me naughty thoughts Me too! But I'm liking them very much - Now I take, ready? - Ready No good No good! You must be joing! She's beautiful - Too close! Can get in top half or bottom - But you are not taking her bottom Just take the head and the shoulders - You can take one of the legs for me after Very good! - Ready? - Ready Look at the camera What's going on here? - I am having my photograph taken - Really? Very nice - Please can you do me a big favour? - What sort of favour? - I would like a photo taken with you - I don't think we ve got time for that Oh please it's for my mother and father I have told them all about you and they d love to have your photo Oh very well - ls that allright with you Taro? - Yeso - You sit here - And what about you? I will sit on your knee - Are you sure this is for your parents? - Of course Ready? Look at the camera We were just having our photograph taken I wasn't aware that photography was included in the curriculum Yes would you all sit down please? - Daniella would you stand up? - But what about our photo? We'll see about that later! Go and sit down I't was for her parents I just came to bring you the answers to last years examination papers Thank you - I hope I haven't got you into trouble - I'll survive Now before we begin i'd like all the male students To write the word crackers on a piece of paper - Crackers? - Yes, I want to find out how you spell it - You don't know how to spell it? - Yes I do.
I want to see if you do Okay So it was you - Please - You wrote this on the wall of the gents toilet Excuse please, I am not writing anything on wall of toilet Then how do you account for the fact that you've spelt Crackers K.
R.
A.
K.
K.
E.
R.
S.
Whereas if you looked on everybody else's paper You will discover that they have spelt it Oh well, at least you're all consistent In future please no more writing on walls! Now pay attention In a few wees time you will all be sitting for your examinations That is good! Much better to be sitting for examination than standing I'll rephrase that In a few wees time you will all be taking your Lower Cambridge Certificate And to find out how you're progressing We're going to have a mock exam That is to say an imaginary one During the second half of your lesson, I want to see how many you can answer To find out your strength and weaknesses You can study the questions during your tea break I would rather be studying the answers Yes I'm sure you would Now firstly, have you all done your homework? Yes Good! Let's find how well you've done - Juan - Por favor What answer did you give to question one? Explain what is wrong with the following sentence ''The cows was in the field'' ''The cows was not in the field'' No Juan! That is not the correct answer! The cows was in another field? The cows were in the field I didn't see them Ranjeet! Question two Name the three classes of gender and give an example of each A thousand apologies but l have answered that question with nothing You mean, you haven't answered the question? That is the gist of what I am saying I am not comprehending the meaning of the word gender Gender is the grammatical classification of the sex of proper nouns But we are learning about English not about sex You cannot learn about sex from books Ranjeet You either have it or you don't have it - I have it! I know all about sex - Me too May I remind you we are not here to discuss sex Why not? It's a very interesting subject I'm aware of that! But there is time and place for everything You tell me the time and the place and I'll be there Quiet please! Can we get back to the matter of your homework? Ranjeet, the word gender refers to whether or not A proper noun is masculine or feminine - Now I am understanding - And what is the other? - Other what? - Gender There are three types of gender One is Masculine, one is Feminine and the other is? Poof - Neuter - A thousand apologies Question three Give the feminine of the following ''lion'' Rioness - Lioness - Rioness - No l, I - R, R - You are not saying it right - Vely solly I know! Try saying rioness - Lioness! - Good In future, every time you see an I pretend it's an R - Anna - Ja The feminine of Due - Du- kess - Duchess Jamila be careful! The feminine of monkey - Monkeyess - No - No? - The feminine of monkey is monkey There is no difference between masculine and feminine Excuse please You are mistaken I've seen them at the zoo and there is very big difference I'm talking about the word itself not their physical appearance - Ali - Yes please Question four Explain what is wrong with the following sentence ''Waiter, I would like some chops of pork'' ''Waiter I would not like some chops of pork'' No Ali that's not right Yes please it is against my religion to be eating pork The word pork is immaterial! How do you feel about lamb? Oh blimey I like lamb very much Let's suppose the question read: ''Waiter I would like some chops of lamb'' - What is wrong with that? - I should be asing for mint sauce You should as for lamb chops and not chops of lamb Jelly good Max question five! Quite a hard one this one Construct a sentence using the word lndisposition Sure! Every Saturday I play the football And I am being the goalkeeper! Because I like playing in this position Silence! This is no laughing matter If your present standard is anything to go by You haven't a chance of passing you exams I suggest you take an early tea break! Study those questions And let's hope you show some signs of intelligence Otherwise we might as well stop wasting each others time Hey, Max You know Professori, he's mad at us Sure, we must do good with these questions That's right! We must get every question right - How do we do that? - I got an idea Professori is got the answers - So? - So we get them from him - He's not gonna give them to us - He don't have to! We steal them - There you are dearie! - Thank you 10 p! Thank you - Who's next? - Me please - Tea or coffee? - Hot water - Hot water? - Yes please I bring on my own tea bag - You can't do that - But I'm already doing it! I am starting an economy ride - But that tea bag's already been used - Most definitely I am making three cups of tea out of one bag Well, I'm sorry but you can't make your own tea Well, I'm sorry but you can't make your own tea Oh blimey, then I am not having any at all Oh blimey, then I am not having any at all Next please Buenas noches my little flower! How beautiful you look tonight! Just like a madonna - Are you talking to me? - Si - No - No what? - Whatever it is you're after - ls nothing! Well maybe just one thing You see I am a little tall with the monkey - I pay you for coffee tomorrow Oh no, no monkey, no coffee Ranjeet! You are my friend! You my amigo! You lend me ten pence - I am only having 10 p.
- It's alright - Señora, gracias! - Thank you - You are taikng my last 10 p.
- You very good friend to me - Coffee please! - Ten p.
- I am not having any monkey - You are not having any coffee Can you be lending me 10 p? - Yes okay - A thousand thank you - I am making one condition - What is that? I would like to hear you say all Muslims are nice kind and most wonderful persons If I am saying that, you will be lending me 10 p? If you are saying that l will be giving you 10 p.
Very well! All Muslims are nice kind wonderful persons Jelly good! - Here is only one thing - Yes please All Sikhs are very big liars Hey everybody, listen here! It's very important - What is the matter? - It's about the test we have We got to do good! Otherwise, we're all in the minestrone - ln the soup - That's right! And we have the plan - What plan? - We pinch the answers - That's cheating - That's right I do not cheat Perhaps the exam is not too bad! Maybe we can answer the questions OK - Yes - It's not too difficult Let's have a look Question 1: Construct sentences using the following types of clauses Adverbial clause of time; Noun clause as object of preposition! And main clause coordinate with first - Well Anna! - How we steal the answers? Ah Mr.
Brown, your students have been at it again Not more graffiti Not this time! Read this Young virile male student wishes to meet nice lady form cookery class For evenings of mutual pleasure! Apply, Maximillian Papandrious! Kindly inform Mr.
Papandrious That the notice board is for official notices and not for procuring young women I'm sure his intentions were quite innocent! Evenings of mutual pleasure? He probably only wanted her to whip up an omelet - Tell him to whip up his own omelets - I'll have a word with him See that you do! - Your coffee Miss Courtney - Thank you, Gladys By the way, how's the mock exam coming along? Well we haven't started yet! We're going to get cracking just as soon as they've finished our tea break I do hope that the results would be good Otherwise, we may have to think about axing the course Axing the course? - You wouldn't do that surely - I most certainly would I't would be a complete waste of time and money To carry on and sit for an examination, they have no hope of passing Thank you Gladys Well that's it, I've had it - I didn't think your class were that bad - They are at the moment I'm sure that when the time comes they'll come through with flying colours But right now, the only thing they're likely to get right on the test paper is their names And even that's doubtful! You'll have to help them with the answers - Give them the answers? - Not exactly give them to them! Just leave them lying around where they can see them - That's cheating! - Not exactly! It's not as if it's a real exam And you said you think they'll pass out with flying colours And you said you think they'll pass out with flying colours Be a pity if the course was cancelled! All because of failing a mock exam! But you know best Much too obvious! - How we steal the answers? - I know! First we hit him on head That's no good! We make too much mess! - We got to get him out of the class! - How we do that? I don't know! Let's all think Studying hard? - Professori, you're here! - Yes Sit down! Have a cup of tea! Have two cups of tea! We'll be back! Max - Just a minute Max! I want a word with you - Yes? - I believe this notice is yours - Sure I'm afraid Miss Courtney will not allow you to have that on the notice board Okay As a point of interest, did anybody from the cookery class respond? Sure! She was beautiful we had a fantastic time! Never before I had such a time Really? And what did she cook for you? Cook? We had a takeaway! Come on Max! - Where are you going? - We go to spend two p.
- The phrase is 'spend a penny' - Sure I spend a penny! He spend a penny! That's two p.
- You won't go in the classrom I hope! - No professori! I've left the answers on my desk And I wouldn't want you to be looking at them and copying them down - Would we do that, Max? - No That would be cheating Mr.
Brown, wouldn't it? - Hurry up! - Nearly finished! - Looking for somebody? - No I s Mr.
Brown in the classroom? No, Mr.
Brown is in tea room down the corridor and on the left I am familiar with the geography of this building - Would you mind moving? - What for? - I wish to enter classroom! - But Mr.
Brown is in tea room So you've already told me but l wish to wait for him in the classroom Okay, Miss Courtney You want to go into the classroom, l will open the door for you, Miss Courtney I'm not deaf Hello Mr.
Cupello! All ready to be taking your exam? - Sure, all ready - Good! Ah Miss Courtney, did you want me? No I just thought that I would suplevise the class during the mock examinaton I'm sure there's no need for that! I'm quite capable of doing it myself Mr.
Brown, when the students take their real exams Mr.
Brown, when the students take their real exams You won't be allowed to stay in the classroom, let alone supervise! You won't be allowed to stay in the classroom, let alone supervise! It's a precaution against any attempt to cheat - Cheat? - Yes, it has been known in the past For an over enthusiastic teacher to provide his students with the answers Really? How contemptable! Ladies and gentlemen, you have an hour to complete this paper Starting from now - Scusi - Yes - Can I spend a penny please? - All right, but hurry You don't need to take your exercise book, do you? Maybe I think of an answer, so I write down - Come along Mr.
Nadim - Yes please, where we go along to? We're not going along to anywhere! I just want you to get started on the answers I will do my best - Excuse me please - Yes - Toilet please - Very well, but don't be long Here are the answers! I got them in my book Good, I put them in my book! I tell Ranjeet, then Ali, Juan and Taro! Then the girls Okay, we pretty smart, eh? Sure, we have no trouble with this exam I'll be vely quick! Would you like to go to the toilet Mr.
Brown? - No, no not at all - Everyone else is being! I't is probably the cold weather - You have five minutes left - I am finished! Good then I'll take your book! Has anyone else finished? Thank you! Thank you! I shall take all these home with me tonight and mark them personally - I do hope they've done reasonably well - So do l Otherwise, it's the axe! - Oh blimey, you are chopping his head off? - Only metaphorically - You have about 2 minutes Miss Chung - Not necessaly - Finished - thank you - Good night everybody! - Good night I shall see you all tomorrow Just a moment Miss Courtney, won't you need the answers? I shan't need them Mr.
Brown! However I might as well take them! It might speed up the marking - ls something the matter? - These are the wrong answers These aren't the answers to last years test paper They're the previous years! I must have picked them up by mistake Last years answers must be in my filing cabinet Are you all right Mr.
Brown? - You look a little peaky - I'm fine! Never felt better Mr.
Brown! Good evening Miss Courtney! Mr.
Brown, I marked your students examination papers last night - It is unbelievable! - I can explain Everybody answered every question correctly You see what happened is What did you say? Everybody answered every question correctly - I told you it was unbelievable! - It's miraculous! See for yourself! But these are the answers you gave me last night That's correct! But you said they were the previous years' answers Yes, but I discovered last night, I'd also given you the previous year's questions Congratulations, Mr.
Brown Your students are a credit to you!