Monk s01e07 Episode Script

Sidney? Where are you going? Oh, I didn't tell you? I have a lecture.
Another lecture? They're gonna have you on the faculty.
I don't mind.
It's good to give back.
You don't owe them anything.
You just gave them a half a million dollars last year.
That's just writing a check.
I won't be late - I'll try not to wake you.
- You can wake me.
Good night, Maria.
- Good night, Caroline.
- Have a pleasant evening, sir.
Mrs.
Danvers.
Good evening, sir.
Are we all set? - I think I'll drive myself tonight.
- You want the Volvo? No, I think I'll take the Ford.
- I'll bring it around.
- Thank you.
¢ÜBad to the bone ¢Ü ¢ÜB-B-B-B-Bad ¢Ü ¢ÜB-B-B-B-Bad ¢Ü ¢ÜB-B-B-B-Bad ¢Ü ¢ÜBad to the bone ¢Ü ¢ÜI broke a thousand hearts ¢Ü ¢ÜBefore I met you ¢Ü¢Ü - So what did you think? - hate to go first.
- Tell me what you thought.
- I liked it.
I liked it too.
I really liked that actress.
What was her name? / Jean something.
- Okay, where's my car? - It's over there.
- Give me your wallet.
! Now.
! - Oh, my God! Okay.
Everything's cool.
Don't be a hero.
Hey, what are you MONK Season 1 Epi.
07 Mr.
Monk and the Billionaire Mugger - Um, no.
- My paycheck bounced, Adrian.
- The lamp - What are you gonna do about it? Guess I'll just have to sweep it up.
No, I'm talking about the money.
I thought Leo Otterman paid us.
He gave me an I.
O.
U.
He said he was a little short.
No, no, no, no.
Leo Otterman is not a little short.
Wejust recovered one ofhis Picasso paintings that is worth over $2 million.
He said that he wasn't liquid or whatever.
He had some cash flow thing.
Adrian, this is a business with clients and expenses.
I know money doesn't matter on Planet Monk, but I have a kid that expects three meals a day and sometimes gets sick.
If you miss another paycheck, I'm quitting.
This is very important, so I'm gonna say it again.
If you miss one more paycheck, I'm quitting.
Would you hold that? Hello? / It better be a job.
Now, don't give in.
Okay? A 10 percent raise isn't asking for too much.
You're right.
You're right.
Ten percent? You can't argue with that.
And don't solve anything until they agree.
As soon as you tell them who did it, we lose our leverage.
You're right.
You're right.
Captain! I see the circus is in town.
Oh, yes.
It's gonna get a lot worse.
Captain, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.
That the shooter? Yeah.
Archie Modine.
He's an ex-cop.
He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto.
I already checked him out.
He was a straight-up good cop.
Now he's the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.
Uh, Captain? About our fee, we want / Sharona.
- We want to talk - Sharona, please.
Walk me through it.
It's pretty routine till we get to the punch line.
Modine and his date are walking to their car over here.
The, uh, perp is over here.
Now, the perp pops out with a knife.
Modine pulls out his piece.
.
38 caliber.
I already called.
He's licensed.
Bang, bang, bang.
Three in the chest.
So I just have one question.
What am I doing here? Here comes the punch line.
Our perp is Sidney Teal.
The computer guy? - Get out of town.
- Take a look.
That's what $5 billion looks like.
Get out of town.
What in God's name was he doing? I think maybe that this is how he got his kicks.
That kind of money can make a person crazy.
Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, that's my theory.
If you've got a better one, - I'd really like to hear it.
- Well / No.
No.
Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee.
Sharona, could you give me a second here? You know, this is insane.
Yeah, it's crazy.
It gets crazier.
Check this out.
- This guy's wearin' knee pads.
- Knee pads? Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Was he planning on going Rollerblading after? - I live right up there.
- Sir, sir, sir.
Excuse me.
Just step back.
Okay.
So you were coming out of the theater and heading toward your car? That's right.
I had my keys out, which now I can't find.
Excuse me, sir.
- Are these yours? - Yeah.
That's great.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Hey, Mr.
Modine.
Uh, what happened next? Well, he came at me with a knife, and hehe said something.
- He said, "Don't be a hero.
" - "Don't be a hero?" Yeah.
/ Anyway, I pulled my piece and I got three rounds off.
Guess he didn't realize he was messing with a second lieutenant.
I just live right up there.
I saw the whole thing.
That's exactly what happened.
Hey, Lieutenant.
Is that really Sidney Teal? - I'm afraid so.
- Geez.
Five hundred dollars a day, plus expenses.
Well, I think that's more than fair.
He's never had a raise.
I can't authorize an increase like this, Sharona.
You're gonna have to take this downtown.
Talk to Shelly Berger, your pal.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
We'll deal with it later.
Can I say something? I'd like to file a complaint against one of your cops.
Excuse me? / There was a cop standing right over there who saw the entire thing.
After Archie shot the guy, the cop just turned and ran away.
- Did you get a badge number? - I'm afraid I didn't.
Captain! / Do you have a policy for a police officerjust to flee like that? I have no comment because it's ridiculous.
All right? There is not an officer on this force that would run away from the scene of a crime.
It is inconceivable.
I know, but I saw! He ran away! - I saw it too.
He ran away.
- Why would an officer flee the scene? Are you covering something up? What's going on? Captain, what's going on? - Speed limit's 35.
- I am going 35.
Thirty-seven.
Thirty-eight now.
Why couldn't you just hold out for the raise? I can't believe you folded like a cheap suit.
Tent.
For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.
- Did you call Leo Otterman? - I haven't been able to reach him.
- "Yield.
" The sign says "yield.
" - There's nobody there.
I mean, you're the best detective in the free world, and you can't find one deadbeat client? What's that noise? - It's the alternator.
- Why don't you have it fixed? Oh.
Okay.
Here's plan "B.
" We are gonna solve this case as fast as we can, okay? A billionaire with too much time on his hands went crazy.
I don't know.
What about the knee pads? No, no, no.
Forget the knee pads.
A billionaire went crazy, and that's it.
We're gonna take credit for it this time, get a little publicity, and then I'm gonna call Sheldon Berger in the mayor's office and demand a 10 percent increase.
Speaking of money Whoa! We are in the wrong business.
Not just us.
Everybody in the world, except this guy, is in the wrong business.
We're building a guesthouse in the backyard.
I was supposed to meet with an architect today.
Do you know what I did instead? I made funeral arrangements.
I know it's a terrible time, Mrs.
Teal.
We We just have a couple of questions.
Yeah, um, the police think - that Sidney was having a midlife crisis.
- That's true.
It started about a year and a half ago.
Sidney just changed.
He started trying new things, crazy things renting motorcycles and bungeejumping, skydiving.
He said he loved the rush of it.
- He loved the rush? - Well, I used to say I married Batman.
I never imagined in a million years that he'd do anything like this.
Robbing someone with a knife.
I don't know what he was thinking.
Adrian, my sister has this same painting on her shower curtain.
Huh.
And did he go out often at night, alone? The police asked me that same question.
Um, recently he started going out late.
Once or twice a week.
He always had a good excuse.
I feel like an idiot, really.
Why do you think he was wearing knee pads last night? I have no idea.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must look terrible.
Oh, no.
No, no.
You look fine.
- Thank you.
- I just have one more question.
When did your husband start wearing eyeglasses? About three years ago, I guess.
Why? No reason.
Why did you ask about his glasses? So I could tell which photographs were the most recent.
There are about 200 pictures in that room.
- They documented everything.
- And? No bungee jumping.
No skydiving.
The most exciting thing Sidney Teal's done in the last two years is go to Disneyland.
- Not exactly Batman.
- This guy? He was What's the opposite of Batman? You are.
Damn it, I hate this car! Damn it, damn it, damn it! Why don't you try saying "Damn it" a few more times? That might help.
And how long have you worked for Mr.
Teal? Seven years.
Who am I talking to? - Oh, I'm not a cop.
- I knew that.
- Cops take care of their cars.
- He's a private consultant.
The police call him in whenever they're stumped.
/ Oh, yeah? Well, join the club.
I'm stumped too.
- Could you hold that? - Excuse me? Could you hold that for a sec? So do you believe what they're saying that Mr.
Teal had a dark side, a secret life? Mr.
Teal didn't have a life except for his computers.
Boy Scouts used to laugh at him.
You know, he didn't drink, he didn't smoke, he wouldn't even let me start the car until we both buckled up.
Did he have much of a temper? Huh? No.
Mr.
Teal He was a pussycat.
Here's an example.
Last year there was a there was a break-in down the street, and Mr.
Teal bought a gun for protection.
- Wait a minute.
He owned a gun? - He owned it, but he never used it.
I drove him to the practice range, right? He couldn't even pull the trigger.
He just froze up.
So, how do you explain last night? Must have been hypnotized, most I can figure out.
- That could make sense.
- No, you can't hypnotize someone to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do.
What about Mrs.
Teal.
Would you say she was a pussycat? No, she's more like a tiger.
But I never worked for her.
I worked for him.
She made that clear.
Look, truth is, I'll be out of a job soon, so if you're looking for a driver, let me know.
- Hey, is he a good boss? - Well, my last paycheck bounced.
I can't take a vacation because he can't live without me.
And two nights ago he called me at 4:00 a.
M because he saw a cockroach.
It was pretty big.
/ Yeah.
Try it now.
- Ah, that should be all right for a while.
- What do we owe you? You want to thank me? Find out what happened to my boss.
You know, it's funny.
Mr.
Teal had it all.
More money than God, a beautiful wife.
But he was the loneliest man in the world.
I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.
You felt sorry for your boss? I can only imagine what that would feel like.
/ Get in the car.
- I'm gonna do what I can.
- Thank you.
Captain.
/ You just missed the deputy commissioner.
Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates sparking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No.
All he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Fraidy Cop.
- Excuse me? - That's what they're calling him.
We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took.
I don't know.
Okay.
After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, he flagged down a taxi.
- He took a taxi? - Yeah, it gets worse.
He, uh, threw up in the backseat.
But we did get his blood type from the vomit.
The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar upon Geary Street there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
- He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
- About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up.
Possibly his mother.
He called his mom? / Yeah.
Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don't find him first.
Why don't you put those, uh, over there? Thank you.
- He certainly had a lot of friends.
- It's been overwhelming.
These are from Bill Gates.
Those are from the governor.
And look at all these letters.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? This one was sticking up.
You'll thank me later.
How long have you worked for Mr.
Teal? I was with him from the beginning the very beginning, when he was working out of his garage.
He was probably happier there.
We only had two phone lines.
We had to fill all the orders ourselves.
That's his autobiography.
You can have one.
Sidney loved signing them for people.
Now what are you doing? I made that one too short, so now I have to cut the others.
Make 'em all even.
I'm sure you understand.
When was the last time you talked to Mr.
Teal? / That evening.
Um, he called on his way home to ask about Tony Bennett.
Not The singer, Tony Bennett? Myra's a big fan.
Sidney was taking her to Vegas to see his show.
He was arranging for Tony Bennett to meet them at the airport.
- Wow.
Tony Bennett.
- He was going to surprise her.
He loved doing that.
Mrs.
Butterworth, do you have any idea what Sidney Teal was doing in that parking lot? No.
I still can't believe it happened.
I'm still in denial.
Mugging somebody.
For what? Maybe $40? Well, maybe he went crazy.
Do you think that's possible, Mr.
Monk? For a man to be normal one day and then suddenly go crazy? Yes! I meant the This is the fifth store, Adrian.
I have a good feeling about this place.
Oh.
What about this one? Nah.
The other one was silver and it swiveled.
- You don't have to buy the exact same lamp.
- What do you mean? - You could buy a different lamp.
- Different lamp? Yeah.
Adrian, what about this one? This is great.
Yeah, but it's not silver.
The other one was sliver.
It's just a lamp.
If you were blindfolded, you wouldn't know the difference.
If I was blindfolded, why would I need a lamp? Okay, that was a bad example.
Look, they're all basically the same.
- What about this one? This is great.
- Yeah, but it doesn't swivel.
The other one swiveled.
I think you should try something different for a change.
They probably don't even make your stupid lamp anymore.
- What do you mean? - Maybe it's been discontinued.
Discontinued? Why don't you buy a lamp factory and make your own? It'd only cost you $500,000, but at least you'd have your precious lamp.
There it is.
This is it.
- You're buying three? - Two are backups.
Why don't you fill out an application? / Maybe I will.
$95.
75.
- Would you mind? I'll pay you back.
- Where's your wallet? I'm having it, you know, buffed.
Oh! / Look at that face.
There's no way this guy walked on the wild side.
No way.
I don't know.
People surprise you.
You know, when we were in his office, I saw some flowers from his old fraternity, Phi Beta Tau.
I used to date a guy from that frat.
It was pretty intense.
He told me about two guys who almost died during initiation.
There was, like, these secret ceremonies and weird handshakes.
Look who I'm talking to about weird handshakes.
/ Excuse me.
It's declined.
We accept cash.
Adrian, this is unacceptable.
It is just unacceptable.
You have to pay me.
Did you try calling Leo Otterman again? Huh? Did you? What's wrong? On his key chain he had an insignia, Phi Beta Tau.
W Well, who did? The guyThe guy who shot Teal.
Archie Modine.
They were in the same fraternity.
Oh, my God.
/ What? They knew each other.
This was a lot more enjoyable when I was on that side of the table.
Oh, you're on the right side of the table, Modine.
Look, Captain, I'm not lawyering up here, am I? I'm talking to you.
All right? I screwed up.
I admitted it.
Oh, yeah.
He screwed up.
I withheld information.
I filed a false report.
All right? L-l I knew the guy.
Yeah, why the hell didn't you tell us that before? I was protecting a friend.
Mrs.
Teal.
That's right.
I mean, I just didn't want to drag her into all this.
You understand that.
Maybe not.
I just didn't think anybody would connect us.
I mean, how did you find out? We had a little help.
Sidney Teal was two years ahead of me at Cal State.
We were in the same frat, but I didn't really know him.
- How did you meet his wife? - Fund-raiser for the college.
You know.
Sidney was in the spotlight, but my interest was more in Myra.
And as the kids say, we hooked up.
It was a fling.
I mean, I hardly remember it.
Teal must have found out and-and, you know Oh, come on, Captain.
He came at me with a knife.
What would you do? Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown.
The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion.
We believe that Mr.
Teal was, in fact, trying to murder Mr.
Modine, who was linked romantically at one timewith Mr.
Teal's wife, Myra.
Over the next 10 days, the D.
A.
's office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr.
Modine for filing a false report.
Any questions? Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop? No comment.
There's a story in today's Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop but is refusing to release it.
Is that true, Captain? No comment.
All right.
Hey, hey.
Hang on.
I have another statement.
Here it is.
The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.
Here's our invoice for the Teal case.
We'd like to get paid.
- Don't you usually just mail this in? - We're in a rush.
- A little short, huh? - Yeah.
So are you.
Just initial it where it says, "job completed to satisfaction," please.
- What are you doing? - No, no, no, no.
It's not over.
Don't do this.
The case is closed.
You heard the press conference.
- He owned a gun.
- Who did? Sidney Teal.
If he wanted to kill Archie Modine in that parking lot, - why didn't he bring the gun? - I don't know.
He brought a knife.
It wasn't a very big knife.
It only had a four-inch blade.
And I don't think Teal knew about that affair.
He was planning a romantic getaway with his wife, remember? Look, we need to get paid.
I need cash.
The stores in my neighborhood insist on money.
I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
I can't.
There's more to it.
If you don't submit that invoice, I'm quitting.
Now, I'm going to give you until three.
No, not 3:00.
I'm counting to three.
One, two, three.
Call me the minute you grow up.
What should I do? I don't know.
No.
Tell me what to do.
- I can't do that.
- Well, can you find somebody who will tell me what to do? So this Fraidy Cop situation is getting out of control.
The San Francisco P.
D.
Just bought a bunch of new squad cars that only go in reverse.
You know what I heard: Every officer is being issued some new equipment a white flag and a diaper.
! But they better do it up tight, 'cause there's a cold snap coming.
A drive-by shooting? Do they have any leads? Nothing on the bullets.
They found the car a few blocks away.
Stolen.
A hundred percent clean.
No prints.
You know, you-you-you don't seem very upset.
Well, it means I'm making someone very uneasy, and that's not such a bad thing.
Well, Sh-Sharona must have been terrified.
She quit.
We had an argument about money.
She took a job at a lamp store on Prospect Street.
She'd rather sell lamps than work for me.
Let me ask you something.
Two weeks ago, she bought me this mug, it said "World's Greatest Boss.
" Are you allowed to do that buy someone a mug and then just quit? See, I don't think mugs are legally binding, Adrian.
I never had to think about money.
Trudy used to pay all the bills.
While we're on that subject, there-there is something that-that I have to say.
Oh? Now, you see, this can't be good.
Well, no.
The-The-The-The fact is that, um, you see, I haven't been paid for the past nine weeks, nine sessions.
- Now, that's a lot of money.
- Oh, my God.
- You're gonna leave me too.
- No, no, no.
I did not say that, Adrian.
I'm gonna be all alone.
What a time to be me.
Adrian, I promise you, no one is leaving you.
Sharona did.
Are-Are-Are you okay? I hate owing you money.
I just I just hate it.
Listen, until until we get squared away, I'm gonna have to start seeing you twice a week.
Uh, excuse me? Miss? We're closing.
- Now? - That's right.
- What for? - The holiday.
What holiday? It's Lamp Day.
How was your day? I bought a lamp.
Three, actually.
I've been meaning to buy the book.
Did it really mention me? Drink your milk.
Yeah, it was just one line in chapter three.
He said he loved you.
I'm surprised he even remembers me.
We only dated, like, two or three times.
Sidney was a junior.
You know, you could already tell that he was gonna be rich or famous.
The guy was a genius.
I should've married the schlub.
Wait, wait, wait.
Uh, hold on one sec.
- He was a junior - Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
- Is this your first case? Uh, no.
But I usually work with a partner.
I'm looking for Kelly Street.
Oh, Kelly's not home.
I'm her sister, Bonnie.
- Ah.
My name - It doesn't matter.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Kelly should be back any minute.
Can I get you anything? We have, uh, Hi-C or grape juice.
Oh, how about some homemade applesauce? No.
I'm fine.
I'm just perfect.
So, you say your wife was a writer.
Yeah, she was a columnist for the Examiner.
She died four years ago.
She was murdered.
Oh, dear.
What's the world coming to? I don't know, ma'am.
I ask myself that every day.
This This was from from her appointment book.
See, this was her last entry.
I always thought that 530 Kelly Street was an address, but then this morning It hit me.
It's a name Kelly Street.
Well, her real name's Katrina.
I was the first one to call her Kelly.
Right.
And-And the 530 is not a house number.
It means half past 5:00, of course.
So Trudy must have been planning to meet your sister on that day.
Something about a Mr.
Simon.
You see? Who Who is that? Is that a friend of the family? - Mr.
Simon was her dog.
- Dog? When Mr.
Simon passed away and died, Kelly couldn't bear to bury him, so she had him stuffed.
Some people found it peculiar Your wife was probably writing a little story about her.
Um, do you mind if I touch him? Oh, of course.
Taxidermy always fascinated me.
- What are you doing? - That That's not Mr.
Simon, silly billy.
- That's the Colonel.
- The Colonel.
This is Mr.
Simon.
Oh.
! Company.
! Oh, thank God.
Are you Kelly Street? Mrs.
Kelly Street? You don't remember me? I'm-I'm sorry.
Mr.
Monk, you've been here three times.
You come every year asking about your wife.
Oh, dear.
You should write it down, Mr.
Monk so you don't forget.
You're right.
You're right.
I must have blocked it out.
In the book, Mr.
Teal said somebody mugged you on your first date, but he didn't really give any details.
Technically, we weren't mugged.
We were almost mugged.
I was scared to death.
I just froze.
- He had a knife.
- He had a knife? But Sidney, he lunged at the guy.
- They started fighting.
- Come on! I couldn't believe it.
Sidney really stood up to him.
I didn't think he had it in him.
Did he say anything? Who? / The mugger.
Oh, geez.
That was 20 years ago.
Uh, I think he said, you know, "Give me your money.
Don't be a hero.
" He said that? "Don't be a hero"? Yeah.
Is that important? Oh, yeah.
That is That is very important.
Um I think I just busted this case wide open.
That's better.
Leo? Leo? Leo! Leo! - Leo.
! Leo Otterman.
! Hi.
You remember me? I'm I'm Adrian Monk.
- Of course I remember you.
- Yeah, yeah, l-I found your Picasso, and I still have not been paid.
I told you, I need a little more time.
Yeah, Leo, and I'm telling you that that is not good enough, sir, okay? Okay, look, Leo.
Sharona quit again, and I went to see Kelly Street because I thought she was an address, but she's-she's not an address.
She's-She's a woman.
I've been there before three times.
Forget that.
Just forget all that.
Sharona was not there.
I can't pay her, see.
And I cannot do this without her.
Thank you for sharing.
I'm sure it's all very fascinating.
Call my office and we'll work something out.
No, Leo.
Leo.
Wait, Leo.
Wait a second.
All right, lookLook, Leo.
Hey.
Okay, look.
Leo, I'm not moving.
You think I'm bluffing? You're gonna have to run me down.
Or back up.
One or the other.
Adrian! Adrian? - Sharona.
- Ohh! Oh, my God.
I've been looking all over for you.
Are you okay? Yeah, that was Leo Otterman.
I tried to stop him, but he got away.
- I wanted to pay you.
No, no, no.
- Just forget about that jerk.
- Look at this.
- What have you been doing? Investigating.
I went to see Angie DeLuca.
She used to date Sidney Teal in college.
Adrian, you're not gonna believe this.
There was another mugging 20 years ago.
It was the exact same thing except Sidney Teal was the guy being mugged.
What? Now, get this.
The mugger from 20 years ago said, "Don't be a hero.
" Really? That's interesting.
/ See? I knew it was interesting.
I mean, I didn't know why, but I knew.
I know that look.
You got it, right? Are you sure about this? Yes.
/ You hesitated.
Why did you hesitate? I was thinking about something else.
Mr.
Modine.
Thank you for coming.
What the hell is going on, Captain? Mr.
Monk wants a few moments of everybody's time.
- I think that's not too much to ask.
- Capt.
Stottlemeyer, - any leads on the Fraidy Cop? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You want to ambush people, you join the army, okay? The captain's trying to work here, people.
He doesn't have time for your crap Now, step back, please.
Step back.
- Well done, Officer Moratta.
- Thank you, sir.
I wish I'd known you were coming.
I could've had Mrs.
Danvers prepare something.
This isn't a party, Mrs.
Teal.
I guess you can't believe everything you read.
Newspapers said the investigation was closed.
Theirs was.
Ours wasn't.
My attorney says that I can file a harassment case whenever I feel like it.
Mrs.
Teal, your lawyers are gonna have enough to do to keep you off of death row.
You'll be needing an attorney too, sir, for the murder of Sidney Teal and the attempted murder of me.
- The drive-by shooting.
- Both of them? They were in it together, Captain.
I'll tell you what troubled me from the very beginning the knee pads and the elbow pads.
When your husband left that night, he wasn't planning to mug anyone and he wasn't planning to kill anyone.
He was just going out to have a little fun.
Maybe roll around on the ground.
He thought he was gonna help you impress your date, Mr.
Modine.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it? You did it before 20 years ago.
He wrote about it in his book.
Back in college, Sidney had a big date with Angie DeLuca.
He wasn't much of a ladies'man, and he was trying to impress her.
- So the two of you cooked up a plan.
- Yep, you cooked up a plan.
Would you like to tell it? No, no, no, no.
You're-You're-You're-You're better at telling it.
Yeah, but go ahead.
You can tell it.
No.
You tell it.
I'll tell it next time.
- For God sakes, somebody tell it.
- It was a harmless little prank.
You pretended to mug Sidney Teal and his date.
And for a minute the mild-mannered computer geek got to look like Superman.
And I'm sure you both had a big laugh about it later on.
You are a nut case.
No one's gonna believe him.
On occasion I've been known to believe him.
Don't stop now.
- Where was I? - Twenty years later, Sidney brought Myra to his college fund-raiser, and that's where you two met.
And you met again and again and again.
Are you sure you don't want to tell it? No, no, no.
You're doing great.
Just go.
Ayear goes by.
You decide that life would be perfect without Sidney Teal around.
So you two hatch a plan.
You contacted Sidney, and you reminded him of the time you helped him impress his date, and you asked him ifhe wouldn't like to return the favor.
You knew he wouldn't say no.
It was a chance for him to relive one of the best nights ofhis life.
And it worked like a charm.
To the rest of the world, it appeared that an eccentric billionaire had a nervous breakdown.
And if worse came to worse, and anyone connected you with Sidney Teal, you just had to admit that you'd had an affair and claim that the shooting was self-defense.
That is one hell of a story, Mr.
Monk, if you could prove it.
He always went the extra mile.
That night, your pal Sidney had a little surprise of his own.
- Really? - Yes, sir.
You see, he'd hired an actor to pose as a cop.
So after you scared off the mugger, the cop was going to run up and commend you for your heroism.
- Oh, my God.
- Fraidy Cop.
I'm afraid so.
You see, Captain, I remembered what you'd said that no cop in your department would ever run from the scene of a crime.
And it occurred to me, maybe Fraidy Cop wasn't a real cop.
I checked all the local costume shops.
There was only one cop uniform rented that night.
Hey, what are you doin'? Gentlemen, I'd like you to meetJoseph Moratta.
Very promising young actor.
/ You? Joe wanted me to mention that he can be seen in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at the Harris Webley Dinner Theater all next week.
You know, when I heard the shots, I guess I kind of panicked.
I'm sorry if I caused you guys any problems.
Problems? Kid, you have no idea! I swear, I didn't know anything about this.
This is all his idea.
Lying bitch! Stay back! Stay back! All of you! - Stay down! / Archie - Give me the arm! Modine, you're under arrest for the murder of Sidney Teal.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can be used against you in a court oflaw.
He's got a gun.
! Look out.
! Fraidy Cop, just a couple of questions! Please! - Shoot him.
- I can't do that, sir.
Then shoot me.
That's all I have.
You didn't have to call the cops.
Here.
/ I I prefer not to handle cash.
Nice doin' business with you, Leo.
Next time, sir, just pay your debts.
Wait a minute.
I know you.
You were on the news.
No, no, that was No, no! / Fraidy Cop.
! Hey.
! Come back here.
! - Do you know who I am? - Look at him go.
He's an inspiration.
- You cowards.
! - I was gonna give him a couple of bucks.
Oh, you can send it to him.
He'll be in Canada by tomorrow.
- Oh, God! - I'll kill you!