Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e07 Episode Script
Mork Goes Public
Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! Oh.
I'm hungry.
I wish Frederick would get back from lunch.
Yeah.
How could he leave us at the height of our rush hour? Yes.
CORA: Oh, say! Business is picking up.
That last couple came to a full stop.
( playing harmonica ) Do me my shazbow di din daz bow doe Mork, what are you doing? Singing the Orkan blues.
Going to nanu all night long Oh, say, I like that.
Do you know the "No Sales Blues"? MINDY: Come on, you guys.
Stop fooling around.
I really feel sorry for Dad.
So do I.
( groans ) Why do we feel sorry for Dad? Business is the pits.
Yeah, and on top of that, the water pipe broke in his house and flooded the entire living room.
That's too bad, because the wet look is out.
Yes, but it's no fun trying to wring out a wet couch.
Yeah, and it cost almost $3,000 to repair the plumbing and dry out all the furniture.
Say, Mindy, do you know where those invoices are for the records? Oh, yeah, we ran out, but there's more in the back.
Oh, okay.
I'll show you where they are.
Hey, Mork, could you kind of watch the store while we're back there? Whoa! Oh! Like to buy a record? No, I'm just kind of browsing.
Great luck.
Let's all hear the special deal new from Rotel Marcel Marceau's Greatest Hits.
Who can ever forget "Man Ascending an Escalator"? How's it go? "Man Walking the World's Longest Staircase.
" There he goes, walking across it now.
Also, let's just forget the vinyl, and look inside, see the other quite exciting values you can get free with this.
Look, it can be a hand glove, also can dice, slice, and make julienne fries.
It can also be a party favor, a King Tut hat.
Who knew? Also a puppet for a two-dimensional child.
"Hi, Mom, nice to have you home.
" These and many more can be yours for only $1.
99.
Offer void where prohibited by good taste.
( chuckling ) You are one funny guy, with loads of energy, pal.
But you know, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
Do you, uh ( clears throat ) know one Mindy McConnell? I know one.
Are there more? ( clears throat ) Well this one's 21, brunette, and lives at 1619 Pine Street.
Uh uh, excuse me, but who are you, and how do you know who I am? Well I, uh, saw the, uh, front of the store that said "McConnell's Music Store," and ( clears throat ): well, he, uh, told me your name.
I didn't mention her name.
Well, you implied it.
Ooh, a psychic.
Well, how do you know where I live? Well, it was kind of a hunch.
Could you excuse me for just a moment? ( clears throat ) Here's the deal I'm actually from the Boulder Evening Sun.
Clint Mullet, ace reporter.
You don't act too much like a reporter.
Well, actually, I'm just Clint Mullett, ace copy boy.
Oh, copy boy, a clone! I'm working on a story so big no other reporter would touch it.
It's the biggest cover-up since the Greenbrier Scandal.
I never heard of that.
You see? My editor was so scared when he saw my first few pages, he threw the whole story in the trash.
How does Mindy fit into your trash? Good question, boy.
All right, it seems that a few months ago, you were up at Boulder Lake with one Bill Mason.
How do you know that? Did you see anything unusual that night? Like what? Well, UFOs? Oh, what? You know, flying saucers? Flying saucers.
( honking bark ) You don't believe in them, do you? You don't? No, I'm into flying eggs.
Oh.
Flying saucers, don't make me laugh.
( laughing ) ( honking bark ) Now, look, 12 people in your area reported seeing glowing flying saucers.
Now, it was a dark night.
My question is, why didn't you see any glowing objects? Mindy, these are the wrong invoices.
Um, all right, Grandma.
I'll be right back.
What was your name again? Uh, Clint Mullet, the next Lou Grant.
Listen, it was really nice getting to know you, and if I remember that I saw a flying saucer, I will let you know.
Tell you what, save some coffee for Tuesday, all right? Right.
Whoa, that was a close call.
CORA: Mindy! I'll be right back.
( half-whispers ): I knew it.
I sensed it, I felt it.
She knows something.
She knows something.
She knows a lot of things.
She watches Rona Barrett.
( chuckles ) Did she ever talk to you about a strange creature from another planet? About one, no.
You know, I'm into aliens.
You like science fiction? Hey, sci-fi's my life.
It is? Did you ever read Tales of the Milky Way? I skimmed right through it.
And you talk about these kind of things with Mindy? Sure thing.
Hmm.
You know, you and I have got a lot in common.
We ought to get together, have some lunch Talk about outer space, alien beings Mindy.
Does this mean we're going to be friends? Oh, you betcha, pal.
You know, if my theory is right, there's probably an alien right here in Boulder.
So, be on the lookout for anything strange or unusual.
You bet.
Nanu-nanu.
Do you realize what a close call that was? Guess what? Clint wants to be my friend.
Are you crazy?! Of course he wants to be your friend.
You're the one he wants.
I know that, but there's an old Orkan phrase "The best place to hide from the enemy is right under his noses.
" Oh, but Mork Mork, what if he finds out that you? ( humming ) Uh that you don't read the Boulder Evening Sun? Then he won't be my friend? He might not.
Then I better run out and buy a copy right now.
Hello! Oh, that boy really wigs me out.
( laughs ) I love him.
What's the matter, dear? Is something wrong? Well, there was this crazy reporter in here, and he thinks that men have landed from outer space.
And he thinks that I know something about it.
Oh! Of all the crazy wieners.
Yeah.
Well, now, don't you worry, dear.
If he comes back again, I'll kick him right in his Sunday supplement.
( horns honking ) ( tires screeching ) ( horns honking ) Oh! Wow, it's a lucky day.
Mindy, look! ( screams ) What happened? He almost got hit by a bus.
Mork, you should know better than to walk out into the street before looking.
If you hadn't pulled me out from in front of that bus, I'd be dead meat right now at Boot Hill.
Well, Mork, it was no big deal.
I just happened to be there.
Oh, thank you.
I I owe you everything, my life, my firstborn.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mork-Mork, please stop saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you.
" You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome.
Now, cut that out.
You're right, Master.
You're always right.
I cleaned up the house and everything.
Can I make you another sandwich, huh? Can I, huh? Can I, huh? Huh? Can I, huh? Mork, Mork, ca-can't you find something else to do? We can hold the funeral now.
Anything, just lea What funeral? The one for the chair I zapped.
My Chippendale chair.
Good grief, man, why did you zap my chair? Mercy killing its leg was broken.
But that chair was a hundred years old.
Well, at least it had a full life.
My trombone.
I need my trombone.
I have to have my trombone.
See, trombone Oh Foot bone's connected to the ankle bone Ankle bone's connected to the shin bone Shin bone Uh, trombone, yeah! ( playing melody ) ( notes fading ) Mork, please leave me alone.
But you saved my life.
I owe you everything.
But anybody would have pulled you out from in front of that bus.
Not on my planet.
You see, no one would even care.
They don't even have emotions on my planet.
What's it like, not having any emotions? Well, it's a real bummer.
But being with you makes me happy.
( phone rings ) I'll get it! Oh, no, no, no! No, I'll get it.
No, no, no, no Ah too late! I'm there! Daddy's residence.
It's for you, my liege.
Hello? Oh, I, uh Mr.
Wilson? Oh, oh, yes, from the high school, yes.
How are you? Oh, your, uh your bandleader is sick.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
You want me to conduct the orchestra on Saturday? Oh! Well I certainly hope he feels better on Sunday.
What? ( whooshing ) I-I mean, it's cutting it a little close, but I can get it done, uh-huh.
( blowing ) Right.
Money? Oh, well, no.
I don't think I can afford more than Oh, you're going to pay me.
Oh, that-that's wonderful.
Thank you, Mr.
Wilson.
Thank you.
Mork, they've asked me to conduct an orchestra for money.
I can't believe it.
That's great news.
I have some even greater news.
Hmm? Remember how this trombone used to slide? Well, I fixed it so this sucker will never slip on you again.
Out.
Out! Is there anything else I can do for you? Wax your violin? Hose down your organ? Out! ( clinks ) ( clinking ) Aah, aah! ( yells ) ( honking bark ) Great game.
Now it's your turn.
( sighs ): It's you.
It's M Mork.
Mork! Mork, how did you get in here? Well, I saw you come up through the ladder, so I hid.
Tag, you're it.
You're toying with me, aren't you? You can see right through me.
No, you're opaque.
Come here, Mork.
Listen, Mork, I'm convinced that Mindy knows something about these UFO sightings.
So, I'm over here snooping around for some clues.
Clues? Like what? Well, you know, Mork, a clue could be anything, you know? It could be big, it could be small But it takes a trained eye to spot a real clue, my friend.
Sometimes, they can even be right under your nose.
I have the same theory.
No kidding.
Well, one day, you may be an investigative reporter like me.
For instance, what's this? Oh, I Looks like some kind of folder, doesn't it? Yeah.
And there's something written on it, too.
Hi, Mork.
Oh, uh hi, uh, Clint.
Hello, Mindy.
This is my father, Frederick.
Uh, Dad, this is the reporter I was telling you about.
I have evidence here that leads me to believe that Mindy knows an alien the leader of a planet Orch? Uh-oh, confusion, fear, look of cold terror.
Yes, it's right here.
It says it uh "Orch Leader.
" I don't believe it.
This is my father's music.
That's O-R-C-H Orch.
It's an abbreviation for "orchestra leader.
" It's music for the local high school.
Sure.
Oh, Clint, you lose again.
Better start all over again and come through the window.
Wait a minute, you came through my window? Did you break in here? Not actually All right now, buddy.
You've gone over the line.
I'm calling the cops.
Cops! I know that game.
Freeze! Nobody move! ( imitates static ) and one Caucasian male.
Hello? This is an emergency.
Some man has just broken into my apartment.
Well, he broke into my apartment, and he's here right now Wait a minute.
Hang on just a second.
What's this? Uh, never mind.
Uh This looks to me like some kind of space helmet.
Space helmet! Does this look like a space helmet? This is my planter.
Well it doesn't look like a planter to me.
Now look, you're starting to get on my nerves.
So, why don't you just leave my apartment, and I don't ever want to see you around here again.
Wait a minute, just a second.
Hang on everybody, okay? I've got a little admission to make.
Okay, now, you're all familiar with the newspaper The American Inquirer? Good.
Well they're offering a $25,000 reward for proof that there's an alien being living on Earth.
Now, here's the proposition.
Listen close.
I'll give you the money.
All I want is exclusive rights to the story.
All I want is the fame.
Tell you what.
All you have to do is get me proof that there's an alien being here on Earth, and the money's yours.
FRED: Who ever thought I'd be guest conductor for a high school band? ( giggles ) Well, who knows? Maybe somebody will hear me and see me, and hire me to conduct some real music, huh? Yeah, wouldn't it be nice? Yeah.
I know you could use the extra money.
Boy, I sure could use that $25,000 reward.
Dad! Oh, honey, honey, don't worry.
I wouldn't turn Mork in.
I have to admit, that's an awful lot of money.
I don't even know what I'd do with that much.
I know what I'd do.
I'd pay off the plumbing bills, and I'd still have enough left over to get the store back on its feet, or at least on its knees.
Yeah, having that much money sure would be nice.
Well, it's pointless to even think about it.
We can't turn Mork in.
I know, I know.
We just have to be happy with what we are and what we have.
Well, I guess I'd better get home and help Cora with the clarinet parts.
It's going to be a long night.
Well, I'll go with you and help out.
Oh, honey, you've done enough, as it is.
Oh, don't even worry about it, Dad.
If I help, you two can get to bed a lot sooner.
Hey, Mork, I'm going to go over to Dad's for awhile, so I'll see you later.
Yeah.
See you.
Well, it is getting late, so I think I'll hit the road.
Okay, honey.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow, Dad.
Right.
Good night.
Night.
Oh! Mork.
Uh what are you doing here? I've thought it over, and I think I'll turn myself in for that reward.
Well, why would you want to do a crazy thing like that? So I can give you the money.
What? Well, see, I have to pay you back.
Mindy's my friend, and especially you, because you saved my life.
And I know you need the money really badly.
Oh, Mork, everybody needs money.
That's right.
You don't have to do a thing like that.
Well, I want you to be able to go back to college full time, and I want you to be able to put your business back on its knees again.
Mork Mork, that's very generous of you, but you don't know what kind of a price you'd have to pay.
Oh, Mork, you just don't know what they'd do to you.
Your life wouldn't be your own anymore.
Oh, yes, I have an idea.
They'd make me a celebrity, movies Oh, eventually I'd end up on Hollywood Squares in a box.
( imitates Paul Lynde ): Disgusting! Yeah, and that's just the good part.
Really? Yeah, you wouldn't have any privacy anymore.
I mean, just think, little children will be following you around, saying, "Nanu-nanu.
" Yes, and adults will be walking up and saying, Shazbut.
Oh, if and if they only knew what that meant.
Oh! I mean, think about it! They'd come out with dolls, games! Oh, it could be awful! It would be like living in a zoo! They may stick you in a bottle.
A bottle.
My grandfather was a bottle, and he died a broken man.
You know, there's a chance, too, that we would never see you again.
They make you invisible? No, but they'll take you away.
Oh, looks like my future is no bed of raisins.
I want to help my friends, but I don't know what to do.
Whew, I got to think this one under.
CORA: Frederick! Cora! What's the matter? Somebody better call for a plumber.
And I'll go back and start bailing.
Well, that settles it.
Oh, well, Mork, tell the plumber to come here right away, that it's an emergency.
( beeping ) Hello, Clint? Mork here.
If you want to see a real live alien being, be at Mindy's house at noon tomorrow.
Be there or be square.
'Bye.
Now, what's the number of the plumber? ( knocking ) MORK: Come in.
Mork, where are you? I'm up here.
I'll be right down.
Where is he? Where is the alien? He's getting dressed.
What a day for mankind.
What an event in the history of the universe.
What a break for my career.
I can see it now.
I'll be in Washington two years from now.
The President, he'll call me.
"Clint, we need you, you're a good man.
" ( imitates fanfare ) I am Mork, from Ork, sent by my superiors to observe your primitive civilization and report back.
Nanu-nanu.
You called me here for this? Red pajamas and silver boots? You look like a reject from the O'Jays.
But I'm a member of a superior civilization, really.
Mork, come on, I know you need the money, but Wait! I can prove it.
Watch.
I'll make that plant rise into the air.
( whistling ) ( crash ) Butterfinger.
I don't perform well under pressure.
Mork, this is silly.
I'm splitting.
This is ridiculous.
Wait! How many people do you know that can drink with their finger? I'm sorry about this.
I'll get back to you.
( whistling ) ( whistling trails off ) Wait a minute.
( burps ) How did you do that? Greetings.
I am Mindy, Catwoman from Mars.
( meows ) Mindy, what are you doing? I was sent here to observe your primitive planet.
But that's my job.
Listen, I'm the only alien here.
MINDY: Of course you're an alien.
I'm an alien.
We're all aliens.
I am Fredzo from Scherzo! Somehow, I feel alienated.
I have been sent down here to observe your primitive society and demonstrate my great powers.
Here, pick a card, any card.
Clint, I don't know how to tell you this, but they're jiving your socks off.
Who else could do this? Watch this pitcher.
( high-pitched whistling ) How do you like them eagles? Big deal.
Move aside, boys.
Watch this.
( humming ) Did you see that? Just a second.
Hang on just a second.
There's a wire here.
This whole thing is rigged.
Oh well, Mork, he found us out.
Shazbut! Shazbut! Look, I just want to say that, uh, you are the most unconvincing group of aliens I have ever seen in my life.
And, uh, Mork, you are the worst.
The next time you try and impersonate an alien, why don't you just leave the pajamas home? I refuse to be made a fool of.
Too late.
It's a real space suit.
I paid 50 trivets for this in New Ork.
Now you'll never get the money you need for the store.
Well, we won't get it from finking on you.
We've been down before, but we'll get out.
Yeah, we always have before.
Anyway, Mork, I don't want to lose you.
And besides I've grown accustomed to your honk! Why did you do that, when you needed the money so really badly? Oh, you don't understand.
Mork, you're more important than any amount of money.
You can't buy friendship.
So, even if I had turned myself in, it would have been for nothing.
That's right.
And you saved me from that.
Well yes.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you ( muttering ) thank you, thank you Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson! ORSON: I hear you, Mork.
Whoa! What are we going to talk about this week? Believe it or not, Your Immenseness, my value on the Earth market is $25,000, or 100 yen.
How much is that in grebbles? Oh, a measly 0.
3.
Money seems to be important to Earthlings.
Oh, you bet your sweet shobow.
They put it in a place called a "bank.
" What happens at a bank? Well, you bring in your money.
It meets other money, mates, and makes more money.
Also, this money seems to have a certain rubber-like quality, because you can bounce a check, or stretch a dollar.
Can anyone get money from the bank? No, only the rich, and those with proper identification.
Also, a bank will only lend you money to buy a boat, or a big car, not to buy food.
Why is that? I guess food's harder to repossess.
We will store that information, Mork, even though it's from you.
Thank you, Your Immenseness.
By the way, don't take any wooden grebbles.
This is Mork, signing off until next week.
Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! Oh.
I'm hungry.
I wish Frederick would get back from lunch.
Yeah.
How could he leave us at the height of our rush hour? Yes.
CORA: Oh, say! Business is picking up.
That last couple came to a full stop.
( playing harmonica ) Do me my shazbow di din daz bow doe Mork, what are you doing? Singing the Orkan blues.
Going to nanu all night long Oh, say, I like that.
Do you know the "No Sales Blues"? MINDY: Come on, you guys.
Stop fooling around.
I really feel sorry for Dad.
So do I.
( groans ) Why do we feel sorry for Dad? Business is the pits.
Yeah, and on top of that, the water pipe broke in his house and flooded the entire living room.
That's too bad, because the wet look is out.
Yes, but it's no fun trying to wring out a wet couch.
Yeah, and it cost almost $3,000 to repair the plumbing and dry out all the furniture.
Say, Mindy, do you know where those invoices are for the records? Oh, yeah, we ran out, but there's more in the back.
Oh, okay.
I'll show you where they are.
Hey, Mork, could you kind of watch the store while we're back there? Whoa! Oh! Like to buy a record? No, I'm just kind of browsing.
Great luck.
Let's all hear the special deal new from Rotel Marcel Marceau's Greatest Hits.
Who can ever forget "Man Ascending an Escalator"? How's it go? "Man Walking the World's Longest Staircase.
" There he goes, walking across it now.
Also, let's just forget the vinyl, and look inside, see the other quite exciting values you can get free with this.
Look, it can be a hand glove, also can dice, slice, and make julienne fries.
It can also be a party favor, a King Tut hat.
Who knew? Also a puppet for a two-dimensional child.
"Hi, Mom, nice to have you home.
" These and many more can be yours for only $1.
99.
Offer void where prohibited by good taste.
( chuckling ) You are one funny guy, with loads of energy, pal.
But you know, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
Do you, uh ( clears throat ) know one Mindy McConnell? I know one.
Are there more? ( clears throat ) Well this one's 21, brunette, and lives at 1619 Pine Street.
Uh uh, excuse me, but who are you, and how do you know who I am? Well I, uh, saw the, uh, front of the store that said "McConnell's Music Store," and ( clears throat ): well, he, uh, told me your name.
I didn't mention her name.
Well, you implied it.
Ooh, a psychic.
Well, how do you know where I live? Well, it was kind of a hunch.
Could you excuse me for just a moment? ( clears throat ) Here's the deal I'm actually from the Boulder Evening Sun.
Clint Mullet, ace reporter.
You don't act too much like a reporter.
Well, actually, I'm just Clint Mullett, ace copy boy.
Oh, copy boy, a clone! I'm working on a story so big no other reporter would touch it.
It's the biggest cover-up since the Greenbrier Scandal.
I never heard of that.
You see? My editor was so scared when he saw my first few pages, he threw the whole story in the trash.
How does Mindy fit into your trash? Good question, boy.
All right, it seems that a few months ago, you were up at Boulder Lake with one Bill Mason.
How do you know that? Did you see anything unusual that night? Like what? Well, UFOs? Oh, what? You know, flying saucers? Flying saucers.
( honking bark ) You don't believe in them, do you? You don't? No, I'm into flying eggs.
Oh.
Flying saucers, don't make me laugh.
( laughing ) ( honking bark ) Now, look, 12 people in your area reported seeing glowing flying saucers.
Now, it was a dark night.
My question is, why didn't you see any glowing objects? Mindy, these are the wrong invoices.
Um, all right, Grandma.
I'll be right back.
What was your name again? Uh, Clint Mullet, the next Lou Grant.
Listen, it was really nice getting to know you, and if I remember that I saw a flying saucer, I will let you know.
Tell you what, save some coffee for Tuesday, all right? Right.
Whoa, that was a close call.
CORA: Mindy! I'll be right back.
( half-whispers ): I knew it.
I sensed it, I felt it.
She knows something.
She knows something.
She knows a lot of things.
She watches Rona Barrett.
( chuckles ) Did she ever talk to you about a strange creature from another planet? About one, no.
You know, I'm into aliens.
You like science fiction? Hey, sci-fi's my life.
It is? Did you ever read Tales of the Milky Way? I skimmed right through it.
And you talk about these kind of things with Mindy? Sure thing.
Hmm.
You know, you and I have got a lot in common.
We ought to get together, have some lunch Talk about outer space, alien beings Mindy.
Does this mean we're going to be friends? Oh, you betcha, pal.
You know, if my theory is right, there's probably an alien right here in Boulder.
So, be on the lookout for anything strange or unusual.
You bet.
Nanu-nanu.
Do you realize what a close call that was? Guess what? Clint wants to be my friend.
Are you crazy?! Of course he wants to be your friend.
You're the one he wants.
I know that, but there's an old Orkan phrase "The best place to hide from the enemy is right under his noses.
" Oh, but Mork Mork, what if he finds out that you? ( humming ) Uh that you don't read the Boulder Evening Sun? Then he won't be my friend? He might not.
Then I better run out and buy a copy right now.
Hello! Oh, that boy really wigs me out.
( laughs ) I love him.
What's the matter, dear? Is something wrong? Well, there was this crazy reporter in here, and he thinks that men have landed from outer space.
And he thinks that I know something about it.
Oh! Of all the crazy wieners.
Yeah.
Well, now, don't you worry, dear.
If he comes back again, I'll kick him right in his Sunday supplement.
( horns honking ) ( tires screeching ) ( horns honking ) Oh! Wow, it's a lucky day.
Mindy, look! ( screams ) What happened? He almost got hit by a bus.
Mork, you should know better than to walk out into the street before looking.
If you hadn't pulled me out from in front of that bus, I'd be dead meat right now at Boot Hill.
Well, Mork, it was no big deal.
I just happened to be there.
Oh, thank you.
I I owe you everything, my life, my firstborn.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mork-Mork, please stop saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you.
" You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome.
Now, cut that out.
You're right, Master.
You're always right.
I cleaned up the house and everything.
Can I make you another sandwich, huh? Can I, huh? Can I, huh? Huh? Can I, huh? Mork, Mork, ca-can't you find something else to do? We can hold the funeral now.
Anything, just lea What funeral? The one for the chair I zapped.
My Chippendale chair.
Good grief, man, why did you zap my chair? Mercy killing its leg was broken.
But that chair was a hundred years old.
Well, at least it had a full life.
My trombone.
I need my trombone.
I have to have my trombone.
See, trombone Oh Foot bone's connected to the ankle bone Ankle bone's connected to the shin bone Shin bone Uh, trombone, yeah! ( playing melody ) ( notes fading ) Mork, please leave me alone.
But you saved my life.
I owe you everything.
But anybody would have pulled you out from in front of that bus.
Not on my planet.
You see, no one would even care.
They don't even have emotions on my planet.
What's it like, not having any emotions? Well, it's a real bummer.
But being with you makes me happy.
( phone rings ) I'll get it! Oh, no, no, no! No, I'll get it.
No, no, no, no Ah too late! I'm there! Daddy's residence.
It's for you, my liege.
Hello? Oh, I, uh Mr.
Wilson? Oh, oh, yes, from the high school, yes.
How are you? Oh, your, uh your bandleader is sick.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
You want me to conduct the orchestra on Saturday? Oh! Well I certainly hope he feels better on Sunday.
What? ( whooshing ) I-I mean, it's cutting it a little close, but I can get it done, uh-huh.
( blowing ) Right.
Money? Oh, well, no.
I don't think I can afford more than Oh, you're going to pay me.
Oh, that-that's wonderful.
Thank you, Mr.
Wilson.
Thank you.
Mork, they've asked me to conduct an orchestra for money.
I can't believe it.
That's great news.
I have some even greater news.
Hmm? Remember how this trombone used to slide? Well, I fixed it so this sucker will never slip on you again.
Out.
Out! Is there anything else I can do for you? Wax your violin? Hose down your organ? Out! ( clinks ) ( clinking ) Aah, aah! ( yells ) ( honking bark ) Great game.
Now it's your turn.
( sighs ): It's you.
It's M Mork.
Mork! Mork, how did you get in here? Well, I saw you come up through the ladder, so I hid.
Tag, you're it.
You're toying with me, aren't you? You can see right through me.
No, you're opaque.
Come here, Mork.
Listen, Mork, I'm convinced that Mindy knows something about these UFO sightings.
So, I'm over here snooping around for some clues.
Clues? Like what? Well, you know, Mork, a clue could be anything, you know? It could be big, it could be small But it takes a trained eye to spot a real clue, my friend.
Sometimes, they can even be right under your nose.
I have the same theory.
No kidding.
Well, one day, you may be an investigative reporter like me.
For instance, what's this? Oh, I Looks like some kind of folder, doesn't it? Yeah.
And there's something written on it, too.
Hi, Mork.
Oh, uh hi, uh, Clint.
Hello, Mindy.
This is my father, Frederick.
Uh, Dad, this is the reporter I was telling you about.
I have evidence here that leads me to believe that Mindy knows an alien the leader of a planet Orch? Uh-oh, confusion, fear, look of cold terror.
Yes, it's right here.
It says it uh "Orch Leader.
" I don't believe it.
This is my father's music.
That's O-R-C-H Orch.
It's an abbreviation for "orchestra leader.
" It's music for the local high school.
Sure.
Oh, Clint, you lose again.
Better start all over again and come through the window.
Wait a minute, you came through my window? Did you break in here? Not actually All right now, buddy.
You've gone over the line.
I'm calling the cops.
Cops! I know that game.
Freeze! Nobody move! ( imitates static ) and one Caucasian male.
Hello? This is an emergency.
Some man has just broken into my apartment.
Well, he broke into my apartment, and he's here right now Wait a minute.
Hang on just a second.
What's this? Uh, never mind.
Uh This looks to me like some kind of space helmet.
Space helmet! Does this look like a space helmet? This is my planter.
Well it doesn't look like a planter to me.
Now look, you're starting to get on my nerves.
So, why don't you just leave my apartment, and I don't ever want to see you around here again.
Wait a minute, just a second.
Hang on everybody, okay? I've got a little admission to make.
Okay, now, you're all familiar with the newspaper The American Inquirer? Good.
Well they're offering a $25,000 reward for proof that there's an alien being living on Earth.
Now, here's the proposition.
Listen close.
I'll give you the money.
All I want is exclusive rights to the story.
All I want is the fame.
Tell you what.
All you have to do is get me proof that there's an alien being here on Earth, and the money's yours.
FRED: Who ever thought I'd be guest conductor for a high school band? ( giggles ) Well, who knows? Maybe somebody will hear me and see me, and hire me to conduct some real music, huh? Yeah, wouldn't it be nice? Yeah.
I know you could use the extra money.
Boy, I sure could use that $25,000 reward.
Dad! Oh, honey, honey, don't worry.
I wouldn't turn Mork in.
I have to admit, that's an awful lot of money.
I don't even know what I'd do with that much.
I know what I'd do.
I'd pay off the plumbing bills, and I'd still have enough left over to get the store back on its feet, or at least on its knees.
Yeah, having that much money sure would be nice.
Well, it's pointless to even think about it.
We can't turn Mork in.
I know, I know.
We just have to be happy with what we are and what we have.
Well, I guess I'd better get home and help Cora with the clarinet parts.
It's going to be a long night.
Well, I'll go with you and help out.
Oh, honey, you've done enough, as it is.
Oh, don't even worry about it, Dad.
If I help, you two can get to bed a lot sooner.
Hey, Mork, I'm going to go over to Dad's for awhile, so I'll see you later.
Yeah.
See you.
Well, it is getting late, so I think I'll hit the road.
Okay, honey.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow, Dad.
Right.
Good night.
Night.
Oh! Mork.
Uh what are you doing here? I've thought it over, and I think I'll turn myself in for that reward.
Well, why would you want to do a crazy thing like that? So I can give you the money.
What? Well, see, I have to pay you back.
Mindy's my friend, and especially you, because you saved my life.
And I know you need the money really badly.
Oh, Mork, everybody needs money.
That's right.
You don't have to do a thing like that.
Well, I want you to be able to go back to college full time, and I want you to be able to put your business back on its knees again.
Mork Mork, that's very generous of you, but you don't know what kind of a price you'd have to pay.
Oh, Mork, you just don't know what they'd do to you.
Your life wouldn't be your own anymore.
Oh, yes, I have an idea.
They'd make me a celebrity, movies Oh, eventually I'd end up on Hollywood Squares in a box.
( imitates Paul Lynde ): Disgusting! Yeah, and that's just the good part.
Really? Yeah, you wouldn't have any privacy anymore.
I mean, just think, little children will be following you around, saying, "Nanu-nanu.
" Yes, and adults will be walking up and saying, Shazbut.
Oh, if and if they only knew what that meant.
Oh! I mean, think about it! They'd come out with dolls, games! Oh, it could be awful! It would be like living in a zoo! They may stick you in a bottle.
A bottle.
My grandfather was a bottle, and he died a broken man.
You know, there's a chance, too, that we would never see you again.
They make you invisible? No, but they'll take you away.
Oh, looks like my future is no bed of raisins.
I want to help my friends, but I don't know what to do.
Whew, I got to think this one under.
CORA: Frederick! Cora! What's the matter? Somebody better call for a plumber.
And I'll go back and start bailing.
Well, that settles it.
Oh, well, Mork, tell the plumber to come here right away, that it's an emergency.
( beeping ) Hello, Clint? Mork here.
If you want to see a real live alien being, be at Mindy's house at noon tomorrow.
Be there or be square.
'Bye.
Now, what's the number of the plumber? ( knocking ) MORK: Come in.
Mork, where are you? I'm up here.
I'll be right down.
Where is he? Where is the alien? He's getting dressed.
What a day for mankind.
What an event in the history of the universe.
What a break for my career.
I can see it now.
I'll be in Washington two years from now.
The President, he'll call me.
"Clint, we need you, you're a good man.
" ( imitates fanfare ) I am Mork, from Ork, sent by my superiors to observe your primitive civilization and report back.
Nanu-nanu.
You called me here for this? Red pajamas and silver boots? You look like a reject from the O'Jays.
But I'm a member of a superior civilization, really.
Mork, come on, I know you need the money, but Wait! I can prove it.
Watch.
I'll make that plant rise into the air.
( whistling ) ( crash ) Butterfinger.
I don't perform well under pressure.
Mork, this is silly.
I'm splitting.
This is ridiculous.
Wait! How many people do you know that can drink with their finger? I'm sorry about this.
I'll get back to you.
( whistling ) ( whistling trails off ) Wait a minute.
( burps ) How did you do that? Greetings.
I am Mindy, Catwoman from Mars.
( meows ) Mindy, what are you doing? I was sent here to observe your primitive planet.
But that's my job.
Listen, I'm the only alien here.
MINDY: Of course you're an alien.
I'm an alien.
We're all aliens.
I am Fredzo from Scherzo! Somehow, I feel alienated.
I have been sent down here to observe your primitive society and demonstrate my great powers.
Here, pick a card, any card.
Clint, I don't know how to tell you this, but they're jiving your socks off.
Who else could do this? Watch this pitcher.
( high-pitched whistling ) How do you like them eagles? Big deal.
Move aside, boys.
Watch this.
( humming ) Did you see that? Just a second.
Hang on just a second.
There's a wire here.
This whole thing is rigged.
Oh well, Mork, he found us out.
Shazbut! Shazbut! Look, I just want to say that, uh, you are the most unconvincing group of aliens I have ever seen in my life.
And, uh, Mork, you are the worst.
The next time you try and impersonate an alien, why don't you just leave the pajamas home? I refuse to be made a fool of.
Too late.
It's a real space suit.
I paid 50 trivets for this in New Ork.
Now you'll never get the money you need for the store.
Well, we won't get it from finking on you.
We've been down before, but we'll get out.
Yeah, we always have before.
Anyway, Mork, I don't want to lose you.
And besides I've grown accustomed to your honk! Why did you do that, when you needed the money so really badly? Oh, you don't understand.
Mork, you're more important than any amount of money.
You can't buy friendship.
So, even if I had turned myself in, it would have been for nothing.
That's right.
And you saved me from that.
Well yes.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you ( muttering ) thank you, thank you Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson! ORSON: I hear you, Mork.
Whoa! What are we going to talk about this week? Believe it or not, Your Immenseness, my value on the Earth market is $25,000, or 100 yen.
How much is that in grebbles? Oh, a measly 0.
3.
Money seems to be important to Earthlings.
Oh, you bet your sweet shobow.
They put it in a place called a "bank.
" What happens at a bank? Well, you bring in your money.
It meets other money, mates, and makes more money.
Also, this money seems to have a certain rubber-like quality, because you can bounce a check, or stretch a dollar.
Can anyone get money from the bank? No, only the rich, and those with proper identification.
Also, a bank will only lend you money to buy a boat, or a big car, not to buy food.
Why is that? I guess food's harder to repossess.
We will store that information, Mork, even though it's from you.
Thank you, Your Immenseness.
By the way, don't take any wooden grebbles.
This is Mork, signing off until next week.
Nanu-nanu.