Mother Up (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [title music.]
She was a high-class queen of the music biz Covered in bling, 'bout to make it big A couple of kids, a dream deferred Goodbye big city, hello to the 'burbs Hello to the 'burbs Things are gettin' rough And life is gettin' tough These kids are drivin' me crazy I got to Mother Up! 1x07 - Say Hello to My Landscaper Friend Ugh! Agh! Ugh! Where are you, dolly? Aren't you worried about Apple? Why? It's like an enchanted forest.
She's having the time of her life.
[screaming.]
Something's chasing me! My little adventurer.
I saw horrible things in there.
But it was worth it because I found dolly! [screech.]
No! I miss her so much already! Sweetie, it was a puked-stained creepy old doll with dead eyes.
It's like carrying around an old person.
- It's okay, Apple, I'll help you.
- How? We can open up a lemonade stand.
We'll make so much money that you can buy a new dolly! So the neighbours have been talking.
Nuh.
What are those ass-goblins saying now? Oh, you know, just that Ugh! Argh!! There you are! Your yard is a travesty of epic proportions! [clunk.]
Tell your parents they owe me a new lawn comb! Oh, so they're saying Rudi Wilson can't look after her yard, huh? Well, that and some other stuff my church would punish me for saying.
Well, screw that! I'm gonna make this the best yard ever! Okay! I like it when you're positive! High five, girlfriend! Aah! Ooh, let me know if you find the TV remote; I threw it at a squirrel that was bugging me.
Ow! Ow! Ow! I got I got Something is biting my face! - M'kay, keep me posted on that remote.
- Oh, god! Rudi! Wow, five whole dollars! It's going to work, Dick! I'll be able to buy my new doll! Uh, fifty cents, please.
Ha.
Oh, not after I take my standard 61.
25%! Huh? 61.
25% on every cup sold that's my cut! Nobody runs a lemonade stand in this neighbourhood without my say-so! I take my cut, and you stay in business.
Wouldn't it be easier just to take 60%? Only for dum-dums who can't do math in their head! Uh, I owe you $1.
93.
75.
I'll get you next time! Next stop, the cover of landscapers' digest.
Well, that's too much work.
Only pointless nobodies read that magazine anyway.
[birds chirping.]
Wakey-wakey, Dick.
Better get moving.
You don't want to be late for work! But we're out of the lemonade business.
Nobody gets out of the business! Get dressed.
[doorbell.]
- Hello, Rudi! - Hey, Greg.
Can you give me a hand doing all of my yard work for me? I would absolutely do that, except I promised Joel I'd teach him to drive this week.
Just give him the keys; he'll figure it out the way we all did: by hitting things and people.
[honking.]
Gotta run! Attaboy, Joel! Now you're gettin' it! How come we can't just quit, Dick? Because Travis is a demented sociopath.
I think there's something broken in his soul.
Whose soul, Dick? Uh, nobody's! Mine! Nothing! Just excited about being back in the lemonade business.
Good.
Now where's my 62.
25 percent? You've got $12.
50 so my cut is 7.
65625 dollars.
What's that round up to, huh? - What's that round up to?! - Uh, seven dollars, and, uh [screeches.]
- [gasp.]
Dolly! - That's not helping! Oh, you disgust me! I'm doomed to a doll-less life.
That's not even the worst of it.
We have to get out of town.
Pack some stuff and say goodbye to Mom.
Wait a minute, Dick.
Hey, kid, you want lemonade? - First one's free! - Sure.
Thanks for driving me to the doctor.
Well, you can owe me but that's what friends are for.
So what did he say about your face? Wwll, whatever attacked me laid eggs in my eyes.
The doctors can't get them out until they hatch.
But on the bright side I'm going to be in a medical journal.
Great.
I need to stop by the hardware store.
All that stuff piled in my yard looks like crap.
I need to spray-paint it all green so it looks like grass.
Well, lumpy grass.
Well, okay.
My doctor said I should lie down in a cool, dark room but I guess a hot car in a sunny parking lot is okay too.
[gasp.]
Check it out! Undocumented workers! I could just hire one of those really tan guys to finish my yard! Oh my gosh, Rudi, isn't that illegal? You could go to jail.
Plus, they look dangerous.
Oh, stop being racist.
Hey, muchacho! Yeah, you! What's your name? They call me Salvador.
Get in, Sal, I got a job for you.
[engine roars, tires screeching.]
[crash.]
Good try, son.
Remember, the foundation of your success temple is built by the bricks of your failed attempts.
Ugh, uh.
Oh, he'll get it.
Nobody needs to worry.
Yard's lookin' good, Rudi.
You've got a green thumb.
All thanks to Salvador.
- You named your thumb too? - No, that Salvador.
Oh.
But I thought I was your go-to Mr.
Fix-it.
You were.
But I decided to go in a more amazing direction.
Oh, I think if given half a chance you'd be pretty surprised at what I could do.
Please don't lawn comb.
- I'm next in line! - Back off, man.
Apple, this is amazing! Even with Travis's cut you'll have a new doll in no time! - You're a genius! - Thanks, Dick.
Are you eating the sugar? I just need to be more alert so I can work harder, faster, and longer.
Get more dolls! I'm good.
I'm grounded.
Everything freakin' rocks! Salvador! Rudi asked me to pick you up and bring you to her place.
[tires squealing.]
Be right back, I forgot to get some stuff, uh [whistle.]
Where's Salvador? Uh there is no Salvador.
You take Greggo.
No, if you want the best sometimes you gotta wait.
You look like a latin version of my neighbour.
I wonder if his dad ever went on a Tijuana hooker run.
[chuckles.]
I'm sure his padre was not a man like that.
Besides, what if I told you I work for half the cost of that show-off, Salvador? Deal! Hop in.
One for you; one for the cook.
I got a Disney cruise comin' up and I need some walkin' around money.
I'm takin' 79.
3% now.
Time to pay the piper! That's it.
I'm sick and tired of Travis pushing us around.
Dickie's doing all the work, so Dickie needs to make bank.
You feel me? Hello? Aaa-aaa landscaping? I have a bit of an emergency on my hands that I am willing to pay several hundred dollars to fix.
Hm, not bad.
Not Salvador, but not bad.
Oh, your gratitude warms my cockles, senorita.
Anyway, my car broke down so you have to find your own way back to the store.
Who here works cheap and has a violent past? Rudi: Ah, my yard is amazing.
Sarah: It smells like it looks beautiful.
Salvador is great.
We have the perfect relationship.
No sex or emotion or intimacy.
Just chores and some male energy.
I think you two make a cute couple.
Whoa, whoa, a couple? No thanks! What we have is more special than any relationship crap.
He's a chore prostitute.
He's my chore whore.
Oh, it sounds to me like you kinda like him.
Oh, you poor dear.
You have so much to learn about adult relationships.
My wallet's hungry, Dick.
Time for its feeding! [snap.]
Wrong, Travis.
No! There's a new lemon king in town.
Ugh! From now on I run all the lemonade stands.
Okay! Okay! Whatever you say, Dick! [screams.]
[snap.]
[laughs.]
Dick, what happened to you? I'm just a simple lemonade salesman.
Now shut up and have a doll.
- Wow, it's just like dolly! - Get used to it, Apple.
There's plenty more where that came from.
[gasp.]
Soon this whole town will be mine, including the rabbits! Uh, senorita, I'm here to make chores.
Who needs you when they've got Sal? Perhaps Salvador needs a partner.
No! Salvador only works alone.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I do need some quality entertainment.
Show me what you got.
Oh, you will not regret this, senorita Rudi.
Ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah! [laughing.]
Oh, now that's entertainment.
Hello, customs and immigration? I want to report a very dangerous undocumented worker.
[music.]
Hey, I worked real hard making that lemonade.
[crying.]
Wash the lemonade off this; Dickie don't like sticky money.
I think baby wants a lemonade.
- Thanks, but he's not old enough.
- Oh, I think he is.
El Capitan, should I punch the baby? That's good community relations right there, Apple.
Lot of guys would have punched the baby.
But I'm a man of the people.
Now where's my powder? - We're all out, Dick.
- How can we be out? Why the hell haven't you gotten more sugar? [cries.]
Yeah, go play and clean yourself up.
No, no, Greggo.
Your hands, they need to caress the plants like the pregnant belly of your lover, like this.
- Who the hell are you? - Customs and immigration! We got a tip about an undocumented worker.
That's a serious offence.
Hard time! Don't believe me? I'll blow my goddamn head off! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nobody's blowin' anyone's head off.
Yet.
Look, this is all my work.
Now step off.
So the sugarcane cashier and the balloon animal doctor are nothing but partners in crime.
Looks like paradise just got hotter.
I don't know what the hell that means, but I have hired anyone.
Haven't hired anyone, hm? You been busy, eh? You did all this? - Just you?! - Yep, just me.
Okay, for now.
But we're watchin' ya.
[gunshots.]
Oh, Rudi! You have got to stop this right now! I watch police dramas and you've got too much heat.
I've got it.
Oh, yay! You're gonna hire someone legal.
Oh, hell no.
I'm gonna make the good one legal.
Marriages are a sham anyway.
- Marriage? - Whoa, time out, okay? Senorita Rudi, I'm not spiritually ready to get married, nor am I Not you, weirdo! Chore whore, will you marry me? I, Rudi Wilson take Chore whore I mean Salvador I don't know his last name.
Does that matter? Stop! I can't let this happen! Rudi, I'm not who you think I am! Time to pay the piper.
Hey! Hey! You've got the wrong guy Good work, boys.
All right, get on with it, padre.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I don't feel comfortable providing a semen sample that way.
I was pretending.
The real undocumented worker was taking over my handyman job.
That's kind of my thing.
Don't you get it? I'm Mr.
Fix-it! You're nothing but a farmer.
You milk the system and the system ain't your cow.
You've been pulling the wrong teats for too long, amigo.
- What did that even mean? - What do you think it means! It means we're deporting you, you sick, dirty bastard! Think we don't play hardball, huh? Try this on for size! Oh.
Life is good.
You hear that? That's the sound of stuff gettin' done.
Sal's up there fixin' the roof.
I don't have to do anything anymore.
No cooking, housework, fixing things.
- I think you're in love for real.
- Sarah, why would I ruin a perfectly good marriage with love? May I speak to my wife for a minute, please? [chuckles.]
Yes, yes, of course, Salvador.
I have a confession to make.
I find myself with powerful feelings for you feelings that are keeping me awake at night.
I admit, it took me a little while to warm up to you, but you are a truly magnificent woman.
- Get out! - You are fierce! Feisty, like a mule who has eaten salsa! I like that! Ugh! We're all out.
I'm sorry.
Dick, you're out of control.
You're eating all the sugar, making bad decisions, and spending all our money on crazy things.
Oh, I'm crazy, all right.
Crazy like a genius.
[chuckles.]
Best thousand dollars I ever spent.
You didn't even put our address on it! And you spelled 'lemonade' wrong! We'll have more customers in no time! We're gonna Oh, damn it! Then he said he had feelings, and I felt gross, like I did too many jagerbombs.
Oh, butterflies! See? It's love.
No, I wanted to puke.
Also, for some reason I beat him senseless.
Really? Do you think maybe you're subconsciously pushing him away because he's too good? Why the hell would I do that? You're denying yourself pleasure.
What if he's your one true love? I'm not sabotaging this relationship.
Rudi! You're killing him, Rudi! It's dried-up out there, boss.
You got greedy.
The kids shut down their lemonade stands.
Hey, when are we getting paid? You'll get paid when I get paid.
Hey! Come back here! Nobody walks away from Lemon Dick! I'm not giving up.
This could still work.
We could do it ourselves.
Apple, we don't need anyone else! - You hear me, world? - You need help, Dick.
Psst, amigo! Freedom or death! You in? [music.]
Senora Wilson, I need to speak with you.
My body cannot take any more compound fractures and abuse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you breakin' up with me? - You are not ready for a relationship.
- It's just a marriage! Who the hell said anything about a relationship? Rudi, adios! Oh, screw you! Wait! Did you finish the roof? [yelling.]
Go away! Dick, we need to talk.
If you don't get help, our relationship will change in the following ways.
Leave me alone! I just wanted my dolly, Dick.
Now I don't care about dolly anymore.
I just want my brother back.
You've hit rock bottom.
We're losers, Dick.
We're not winners.
We're losers.
Maybe you, Apple.
But not me.
Dickie Lemons is gonna live forever! You have 29 cavities and juvenile diabetes.
Oh, really? Do I have it now? You don't understand how medicine works, do you? No, I don't.
Greg? What happened to you? Oh, I got a very interesting take on prison life.
But I'm sure once this post-traumatic stress disorder stuff wears off it'll all be of use for my life coaching.
Mhm, so yeah.
Like I was saying, too bad about Sal.
My lawn doesn't look nearly as good now.
And god knows the house still needs fixing.
- Salvador's gone? - Sadly, yes.
He couldn't take my strong personality.
Aw [chuckles.]
well So, are you in the market for a new Mr.
Fix-it? Sure.
Joel! I'm sorry I disappeared.
I'll take you out driving again once I'm done here.
Already got it! Gonna crash this bitch off a cliff! Okay, just ten-and-two.
Ten-and-two! Uh-oh, my eyes.
I think they're hatching.
I think they're hatching! Oh God! [screams.]
Ew! Okay, I'll go inside and call you an ambulance.
[screaming outside.]
Hello, 9-1-1? My friend's got bugs in her eyes, and Oh, hang on a second.
I love this song.
[music plays.]
[screaming, hits on window.]
Oh, right.
9-1-1?