Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
Talent Show
1 Hey, guys.
I just checked the school talent show sign-up sheet, and none of you are on it.
I can explain.
Um, none of us want to do it.
Ah, come on.
Here's your opportunity to show off your greatest skill in front of the whole school.
You know, tickle the ivories, bust a move, hit a high note.
[SINGS HIGH NOTE.]
[WARBLES OFF-KEY.]
Impersonate a horny cat.
You guys are selling yourself short.
Everyone's good at something.
Sometimes, it just takes risking total humiliation in front of an audience to find out what it is.
I don't need an audience to be humili-tated.
Hu Humiliated! Yeah, I already had my talent show against Poly.
[CHUCKLES.]
What, what? I'll tell you what, what: 220 yards, three TDs.
That's what, what! Look, all year, you guys have shown me what you can do when you believe in yourselves.
Cool.
If we've already done it, then we don't have to do the talent show.
Look, Mr.
Iglesias, it's really easy to believe in ourselves in here.
Yeah.
You make us feel safe like a like a baby kangaroo in your pouch.
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
Crikey, mate.
I'mma protect all your little Joeys from them dingos.
Piss off, dingo! [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
What if I enter the talent show? Just to prove to you there's nothing to fear.
Faculty can't enter.
Okay, what if I convinced Principal Madison to waive that rule? Will you do it if I do it? I will, and I don't even have a talent.
I will, and I do.
I don't know.
How's Mr.
Iglesias embarrassing himself gonna make it any less painful for us? You just gotta trust me, Walt.
I remember the last time I put my faith in you.
Mmm? That bacon-crunch wrap did not disappoint.
I'm in.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias And once my three-step plan is complete, they'll know how great they are.
I got it.
But who's "they," and what are the last two steps? Hey, Abby, you wanna take a run at this? He always seems to listen to you.
Okay.
So, Gabe is gonna convince Paula to let the faculty participate in the talent show.
Woo-hoo! So, then, his kids will participate too.
Woo-hoo! And then they'll gain enough confidence to enter the academic decathlon! Woo-hoo! Faculty in the talent show.
I love it.
See that, Gabe? You want Tony to understand something, you got to do the "woo-hoos.
" That's not it.
He listens to Abby.
It's not about the "whoo," it's about the "who.
" Gabe, we gotta do our act.
Ah, come on, bro.
This isn't about us, man.
The talent show is a great way for the kids to practice getting up on stage before the academic decathlon.
But my honors kids always represent Wilson at the decathlon.
[CHUCKLES.]
Imagine that, the smartest kids representing the school in a smart-kid competition.
Well, I think it's great that Gabe is pulling his kids out of the shadows, convincing them that they deserve the spotlight.
Yeah, 'cause sometimes the spotlight makes people nervous.
My people, especially.
Well, I love the spotlight.
It always seems to find me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Makes sense.
No way Paula's gonna share that stage.
She runs that talent show like she's Beyoncé and everybody else is Destiny's Forgotten Children.
She will share the stage when we promise her the return of Biggie and Smalls.
Which we won't, because Biggie told Smalls he would never embarrass himself like that in front of a crowd again.
- Who are Biggie and Smalls? - Ah They were the low point in the 1994 Wilson talent show.
And that was the year the ax juggler went to the hospital.
- Now, when we - Oh, man, look at that.
Whoa! Is that Principal Madison or is that Lady Gaga? Because a star is born.
I've been born, boo.
And I'm not giving you what you're about to ask for.
We're not asking for anything.
Okay, one thing.
Look, we think it'd be a lot of fun if you let the faculty perform at this year's talent show.
Paula, my popping and locking has been locked down way too long, and you have got the key.
Uh-oh! Uh-oh, what's that? What's happening? Oh, here it comes.
Oh, here comes Biggie and Smalls! I'm sorry, Paula.
I'll turn him off.
[MAKES POWERING DOWN SOUND.]
But the little robot man is right.
You should let us perform.
I don't think so, Gabe.
The talent show is about the kids.
You missed your cue again, Carlos.
- Sorry, boss.
- I need a five.
Paula, Paula.
Wait [CHUCKLES.]
It's like the eyes follow you.
I hate to admit it, but I completely support your idea.
You wanna be in the talent show too? I was born to trip the light fantastic.
Go on.
I come from a long line of community theater performers.
The Hernandezes were the Barrymores of La Habana Vieja.
Right? And the Ochoas were the jabberwockys of Long Beach.
The leading man in me is dying to break free.
Let me Let me show you what I got.
[HUMS ON HARMONICA.]
You carry that around? Picture me with a tiny red umbrella and a white handlebar mustache.
I always do.
Paula, I'm just trying to get my kids to believe they deserve to be in the spotlight, and they'll only get on stage if I do.
Gabe, on behalf of the spotlight, nobody's interested in seeing you dust off your Hammer pants.
Oh, boy.
Before you lock in your no, check this out.
I am the very model Of a modern Major-General I've information Vegetable, animal, and mineral I know the kings of England I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo In order categorical [INHALES SHARPLY.]
This is where I take out my tiny umbrella.
Are you gonna deny the whole school the opportunity to see this? No, I am not.
- You're in.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Spin, Carlos, spin! I can't believe Principal Madison agreed to let the faculty do the show.
Yeah, believe me, she was presented with a prancing offer no one could refuse.
Wait, so now we have to perform.
Yeah.
And you'll probably be having so much fun, you won't want me up there making a fool of myself.
That's literally why we're doing this.
All right, what do we got? Well, I'm gonna juggle three jobs, while doing my school work.
But have fun at the talent show.
Come on, Marisol.
A deal's a deal.
I guess I could do a spoken word about the state of the nation.
Yeah, sounds like a crowd-pleaser.
What about you, Grace? My parents make me take violin lessons because they love classical music and stereotypes.
Believe me, I get it.
You know, I'm Mexican, and everybody just assumes I love the movie La Bamba.
I do.
"Ritchie!" [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, Mikey.
What you got? Oh, uh Have you heard of Twitch? [CHUCKLES.]
I drink Red Bull.
Uh, no, this is when people watch other people play video games.
Oh, back in the day, those were the kids that didn't have quarters.
I thought I'd play four minutes of Fortnite in front of the audience.
I follow Mikey on Twitch.
[CHUCKLES.]
You should probably go with something else.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
All right.
What about you, Rakeem? Um Sorry, you told me to hit those books and I'm listening.
I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah.
Are you a T-bone steak? Because that was well done.
What about you, Walt? Any skills to pay the bills? I sell saliva on the internet.
But I think I'm gonna go with stand-up comedy.
Ah, the purest of all talents.
No back-up band, no visual effects.
Just a man, a microphone, and his demons.
Yeah, and I found a killer stand-up routine on YouTube.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"A black man failing black history? Ain't that some sad-ish.
" "'Cause you know, fat people don't fail cooking.
" Holla! Look, Walt, you can't just go on YouTube and download other people's routines.
But I wanna crush it, and that stuff is battle-tested.
Yeah, it's battle-tested by Chris Rock.
[STUDENTS MUTTER.]
Okay? And if he was here right now, he'd say, [IMITATES CHRIS ROCK.]
"A red-headed white boy at a school full of black kids and Mexicans.
If you can't find the comedy in that, pick a new talent.
" I don't get it.
People are allowed to go up and sing songs other people wrote.
Why doesn't it work that way with comedy? It just doesn't.
Comedy's very personal, true to you.
Well, I better be good, 'cause I'm inviting my dad, and I really wanna impress him.
You know what, Walt? You will impress him by being you.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
You went out on a limb for us, Mr.
Iglesias, so I'll follow you out onto that limb.
All right, and if that branch starts to break, [IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
jump in my pouch here, I'll get you to safety.
Just to be clear, this is our chance to make sure the faculty gets to enter a team every year.
We are not half-assing this.
Right.
Tony is prepared to make a full ass of himself.
Okay, Abby, what've you got? Well, I dabble in tap.
And I play the ukulele.
Oh, I did win a blue ribbon for contortion at the county fair.
You know, I am so good at so many different things, it's hard to pick just one.
That's what you call "white girl confidence.
" Abby, those so-called talents may have dazzled them in Sioux Falls, but remember, you're in the big leagues now.
Oh, okay.
Well, let's just agree to agree that I'm in a different league than you.
Next.
Who's ready to see some magic? Now we're talking.
The magic of science.
You mean, the magic of nerds? Boo.
Static electricity, nature's greatest illusion.
Wow.
If I was five, I'd be impressed.
Oh, good, Janitor Jim is here to sweep out this trash.
Actually, I'm here for the auditions.
Bear with me, guys.
A ladder? What're you gonna do, change a light bulb? [CHUCKLES.]
No, I do that after school hours, so you can come in your little lounge here and bathe in your energy-saving LED glory, and not worry about who changed those bulbs! Good for you, but not exactly a talent, is it? You know, we don't actually have to audition for you.
You're just holding the sign-up sheet.
One fine morning When this life is over I'll fly away That's what I'm talking about, people.
What? So soulful, so spirited.
Mr.
Hayward, that song is perfect for the talent show.
The talent show? That's just my inner monologue.
Oh, I'll fly away I'll fly away No matter what happens out there, I just want you guys to know how proud I am of all of you.
Is something gonna happen? Yeah, no one says, "no matter what happens," unless they know something is going to happen.
What's gonna happen? Nothing is gonna happen.
You guys're gonna go up tonight and you're gonna kill it, that's what's gonna happen.
Mikey, you ready? No! Lot of second thoughts, and that second thought is that I'm out! I could use a roadie, Mikey.
Boom, you're back in.
You're Grace's roadie.
- Hey, Gabe.
- Jessica.
- Where's Walt? - Yeah, bad news.
He's not gonna perform.
His dad flaked, and he's really upset about it.
Hmm Man.
He must feel terrible.
Actually, I know he does.
My dad used to flake so much, my mom called him Head & Shoulders.
I I was kinda hoping you'd go talk to him? You know what? That would be the right thing to do, go and convince him to perform.
Yes, that would be great.
And, uh, you could stay, and see him perform and everyone else perform, and I can't think of anyone who'd be upset over that.
Walt.
Dude, I've been looking all over for you.
Well, you found me.
Now, you hide and I'll count.
One, two You know, you're not supposed to be in the faculty lounge.
It is a pretty exclusive club.
Is there bottle service? Only when Coach Dixon's in here.
Look, I know what you're going through.
I doubt it.
No, it's true.
My dad wasn't there for some of the big moments in my childhood, like my childhood.
Then why'd you set me up for this stomach punch? You told me to go out on a branch with you, so I did, and it snapped.
What are you talking about? We didn't even go out on stage.
No, I'm talking about my dad not coming.
Walt, this isn't about your dad, okay? You can't just perform to impress a parent.
It's what Britney Spears does.
And how did that turn out? She landed on her feet with a residency in Vegas.
Fair point.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, Walt, forget about your dad.
If he doesn't wanna see you kill it on stage tonight, that's his loss.
Really? What's important is that you get up on that stage and you kill it.
For Walt.
Yeah.
And plus, I could do all my "bad dad" material with no guilt.
Mm-hmm.
We both know that's a deep well.
What's the difference between a bad dad and a telemarketer? The telemarketer always calls.
That's a good one, I like that.
Hey, watch this.
How many bad dads does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None, your mom does it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know, even without my dad here, I'm still really nervous.
Good, that means you're gonna perform.
And to be honest with you, I'm pretty nervous too.
- Why? - Because, once you make people laugh on that stage, who's gonna wanna see two history teachers do God knows what? Been looking all over for you, Biggie.
It's time.
I know there's life after death, I just don't know if there's life after this.
- [DRUMROLL.]
- [FANFARE PLAYING.]
Good evening, Wilson High.
It is my pleasure to reprise my role as your host for tonight's festivities.
I got so many compliments last year on my clothes, my hair, my jokes, and my eyebrow game, I couldn't wait to do it again.
[CROWD CHUCKLES.]
Tonight, you are going to see some great talent, but enough about me.
Our first performer, playing Mozart's Violin Concerto No.
4, Grace Lee! This should be depressing.
Violins always are.
Roadie, bring me my axe! What is that girl doing? Not playing a violin, so this has gotten better already.
[STRUMMING ROCK MUSIC CHORDS.]
Oh! I didn't see Hendrix at Monterey coming.
Got any acid? So, let's talk about the F-word "Female.
" Oh, Jesus, do we have to? Oh, she's gonna.
[PIANO PLAYS.]
For my military knowledge Though I'm plucky and adventure-y Has been brought down To the beginning of the century But in matters Vegetable, animal, and mineral I am the very model Of a modern Major-General That boy ain't right.
He looks like the Pringles man became a damn pimp.
[STRUMMING UKULELE.]
Camptown races, sing this song Doo-dah, doo-dah Camptown Oh! Little help.
[LAUGHS.]
Damn, that was fun.
Give it up for Ms.
Spencer, y'all! Please welcome the comedy stylings of Walter Dobbs.
[SCATTERED CHEERING.]
Let's hear it for Principal Madison.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
It may not seem like it, but we have a lot in common.
I'm the product of divorce, and she's produced three divorces.
[CHUCKLING.]
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Shut up, Raymond! But, having parents who are divorced isn't the worst thing.
You get two Christmases, two birthdays, and two bedrooms to claim you're sleeping in when you're vaping at the pier.
- Oh! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
So, what else is going on? Dating's weird, right? [CHUCKLES.]
He's right, dating is weird.
My boy's crushing it.
Look, now you gotta get your head in the game.
I've seen every act.
I think we can take this thing.
This is our moment.
Yeah, the moment I bust a move while wearing a dollar-store crown in front of a lady I actually like.
So, the monkey turns to the bear and he goes, "That's not an acorn.
" [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Good night, Long Beach.
- [CROWD CHEERS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
"Acorn.
" I did I did not see that coming.
That was awesome.
My parents still love each other, and I didn't get the acorn thing, but you made me laugh anyway.
I owe it all to Mr.
Iglesias.
He told me not to steal Chris Rock's act, so I came up with something way better.
And it came from you, that's why it was better.
Are you guys catching any of this? Janitor Jim is balancing a ladder on his chin while he juggles.
No way.
SÃ, güey.
Who sees a ladder and says, "You know, I'm gonna balance that on my chin"? [JIM SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Big deal.
I bet I could do that with one-week's practice.
How long you think it would take to do that? - [CROWD CHEERS.]
- Janitor Jim, everybody! Wow.
All right, what a successful night.
- We should all go home winners now.
- Hey.
You promised a little boy 25 years ago that you would always be there for him.
And this little man is here to collect on that promise.
Now, for most shows, Cirque du Soleil would be the closing act, because that would be hard to beat.
You'd have to be out of your damn mind to try to follow that.
Give it up for Biggie and Smalls! - Hey, Biggie.
- What's up, Smalls? - Are you ready? - Born ready.
- Then count it down.
- On the three, on the two, on the one.
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.]
[CROWD LAUGHS.]
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING.]
Screwed by the judges again.
Come on, bro.
I think they got it right.
Matter of fact, I think Britney Spears should be opening for Janitor Jim.
All right, guys, everybody outta here.
Some of us have real work to do.
[SIGHS.]
Check it out, kids.
Janitor Jim here had the courage to leave the shadows and step into the spotlight, and finally get some recognition for his talents.
Finally? You think this is my first juggling trophy? One bright morning When I'm dead and gone I'll fly away I'll fly away Oh, precious, I'll fly away [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
I just checked the school talent show sign-up sheet, and none of you are on it.
I can explain.
Um, none of us want to do it.
Ah, come on.
Here's your opportunity to show off your greatest skill in front of the whole school.
You know, tickle the ivories, bust a move, hit a high note.
[SINGS HIGH NOTE.]
[WARBLES OFF-KEY.]
Impersonate a horny cat.
You guys are selling yourself short.
Everyone's good at something.
Sometimes, it just takes risking total humiliation in front of an audience to find out what it is.
I don't need an audience to be humili-tated.
Hu Humiliated! Yeah, I already had my talent show against Poly.
[CHUCKLES.]
What, what? I'll tell you what, what: 220 yards, three TDs.
That's what, what! Look, all year, you guys have shown me what you can do when you believe in yourselves.
Cool.
If we've already done it, then we don't have to do the talent show.
Look, Mr.
Iglesias, it's really easy to believe in ourselves in here.
Yeah.
You make us feel safe like a like a baby kangaroo in your pouch.
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
Crikey, mate.
I'mma protect all your little Joeys from them dingos.
Piss off, dingo! [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
What if I enter the talent show? Just to prove to you there's nothing to fear.
Faculty can't enter.
Okay, what if I convinced Principal Madison to waive that rule? Will you do it if I do it? I will, and I don't even have a talent.
I will, and I do.
I don't know.
How's Mr.
Iglesias embarrassing himself gonna make it any less painful for us? You just gotta trust me, Walt.
I remember the last time I put my faith in you.
Mmm? That bacon-crunch wrap did not disappoint.
I'm in.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias And once my three-step plan is complete, they'll know how great they are.
I got it.
But who's "they," and what are the last two steps? Hey, Abby, you wanna take a run at this? He always seems to listen to you.
Okay.
So, Gabe is gonna convince Paula to let the faculty participate in the talent show.
Woo-hoo! So, then, his kids will participate too.
Woo-hoo! And then they'll gain enough confidence to enter the academic decathlon! Woo-hoo! Faculty in the talent show.
I love it.
See that, Gabe? You want Tony to understand something, you got to do the "woo-hoos.
" That's not it.
He listens to Abby.
It's not about the "whoo," it's about the "who.
" Gabe, we gotta do our act.
Ah, come on, bro.
This isn't about us, man.
The talent show is a great way for the kids to practice getting up on stage before the academic decathlon.
But my honors kids always represent Wilson at the decathlon.
[CHUCKLES.]
Imagine that, the smartest kids representing the school in a smart-kid competition.
Well, I think it's great that Gabe is pulling his kids out of the shadows, convincing them that they deserve the spotlight.
Yeah, 'cause sometimes the spotlight makes people nervous.
My people, especially.
Well, I love the spotlight.
It always seems to find me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Makes sense.
No way Paula's gonna share that stage.
She runs that talent show like she's Beyoncé and everybody else is Destiny's Forgotten Children.
She will share the stage when we promise her the return of Biggie and Smalls.
Which we won't, because Biggie told Smalls he would never embarrass himself like that in front of a crowd again.
- Who are Biggie and Smalls? - Ah They were the low point in the 1994 Wilson talent show.
And that was the year the ax juggler went to the hospital.
- Now, when we - Oh, man, look at that.
Whoa! Is that Principal Madison or is that Lady Gaga? Because a star is born.
I've been born, boo.
And I'm not giving you what you're about to ask for.
We're not asking for anything.
Okay, one thing.
Look, we think it'd be a lot of fun if you let the faculty perform at this year's talent show.
Paula, my popping and locking has been locked down way too long, and you have got the key.
Uh-oh! Uh-oh, what's that? What's happening? Oh, here it comes.
Oh, here comes Biggie and Smalls! I'm sorry, Paula.
I'll turn him off.
[MAKES POWERING DOWN SOUND.]
But the little robot man is right.
You should let us perform.
I don't think so, Gabe.
The talent show is about the kids.
You missed your cue again, Carlos.
- Sorry, boss.
- I need a five.
Paula, Paula.
Wait [CHUCKLES.]
It's like the eyes follow you.
I hate to admit it, but I completely support your idea.
You wanna be in the talent show too? I was born to trip the light fantastic.
Go on.
I come from a long line of community theater performers.
The Hernandezes were the Barrymores of La Habana Vieja.
Right? And the Ochoas were the jabberwockys of Long Beach.
The leading man in me is dying to break free.
Let me Let me show you what I got.
[HUMS ON HARMONICA.]
You carry that around? Picture me with a tiny red umbrella and a white handlebar mustache.
I always do.
Paula, I'm just trying to get my kids to believe they deserve to be in the spotlight, and they'll only get on stage if I do.
Gabe, on behalf of the spotlight, nobody's interested in seeing you dust off your Hammer pants.
Oh, boy.
Before you lock in your no, check this out.
I am the very model Of a modern Major-General I've information Vegetable, animal, and mineral I know the kings of England I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo In order categorical [INHALES SHARPLY.]
This is where I take out my tiny umbrella.
Are you gonna deny the whole school the opportunity to see this? No, I am not.
- You're in.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Spin, Carlos, spin! I can't believe Principal Madison agreed to let the faculty do the show.
Yeah, believe me, she was presented with a prancing offer no one could refuse.
Wait, so now we have to perform.
Yeah.
And you'll probably be having so much fun, you won't want me up there making a fool of myself.
That's literally why we're doing this.
All right, what do we got? Well, I'm gonna juggle three jobs, while doing my school work.
But have fun at the talent show.
Come on, Marisol.
A deal's a deal.
I guess I could do a spoken word about the state of the nation.
Yeah, sounds like a crowd-pleaser.
What about you, Grace? My parents make me take violin lessons because they love classical music and stereotypes.
Believe me, I get it.
You know, I'm Mexican, and everybody just assumes I love the movie La Bamba.
I do.
"Ritchie!" [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, Mikey.
What you got? Oh, uh Have you heard of Twitch? [CHUCKLES.]
I drink Red Bull.
Uh, no, this is when people watch other people play video games.
Oh, back in the day, those were the kids that didn't have quarters.
I thought I'd play four minutes of Fortnite in front of the audience.
I follow Mikey on Twitch.
[CHUCKLES.]
You should probably go with something else.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
All right.
What about you, Rakeem? Um Sorry, you told me to hit those books and I'm listening.
I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah.
Are you a T-bone steak? Because that was well done.
What about you, Walt? Any skills to pay the bills? I sell saliva on the internet.
But I think I'm gonna go with stand-up comedy.
Ah, the purest of all talents.
No back-up band, no visual effects.
Just a man, a microphone, and his demons.
Yeah, and I found a killer stand-up routine on YouTube.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"A black man failing black history? Ain't that some sad-ish.
" "'Cause you know, fat people don't fail cooking.
" Holla! Look, Walt, you can't just go on YouTube and download other people's routines.
But I wanna crush it, and that stuff is battle-tested.
Yeah, it's battle-tested by Chris Rock.
[STUDENTS MUTTER.]
Okay? And if he was here right now, he'd say, [IMITATES CHRIS ROCK.]
"A red-headed white boy at a school full of black kids and Mexicans.
If you can't find the comedy in that, pick a new talent.
" I don't get it.
People are allowed to go up and sing songs other people wrote.
Why doesn't it work that way with comedy? It just doesn't.
Comedy's very personal, true to you.
Well, I better be good, 'cause I'm inviting my dad, and I really wanna impress him.
You know what, Walt? You will impress him by being you.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
You went out on a limb for us, Mr.
Iglesias, so I'll follow you out onto that limb.
All right, and if that branch starts to break, [IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
jump in my pouch here, I'll get you to safety.
Just to be clear, this is our chance to make sure the faculty gets to enter a team every year.
We are not half-assing this.
Right.
Tony is prepared to make a full ass of himself.
Okay, Abby, what've you got? Well, I dabble in tap.
And I play the ukulele.
Oh, I did win a blue ribbon for contortion at the county fair.
You know, I am so good at so many different things, it's hard to pick just one.
That's what you call "white girl confidence.
" Abby, those so-called talents may have dazzled them in Sioux Falls, but remember, you're in the big leagues now.
Oh, okay.
Well, let's just agree to agree that I'm in a different league than you.
Next.
Who's ready to see some magic? Now we're talking.
The magic of science.
You mean, the magic of nerds? Boo.
Static electricity, nature's greatest illusion.
Wow.
If I was five, I'd be impressed.
Oh, good, Janitor Jim is here to sweep out this trash.
Actually, I'm here for the auditions.
Bear with me, guys.
A ladder? What're you gonna do, change a light bulb? [CHUCKLES.]
No, I do that after school hours, so you can come in your little lounge here and bathe in your energy-saving LED glory, and not worry about who changed those bulbs! Good for you, but not exactly a talent, is it? You know, we don't actually have to audition for you.
You're just holding the sign-up sheet.
One fine morning When this life is over I'll fly away That's what I'm talking about, people.
What? So soulful, so spirited.
Mr.
Hayward, that song is perfect for the talent show.
The talent show? That's just my inner monologue.
Oh, I'll fly away I'll fly away No matter what happens out there, I just want you guys to know how proud I am of all of you.
Is something gonna happen? Yeah, no one says, "no matter what happens," unless they know something is going to happen.
What's gonna happen? Nothing is gonna happen.
You guys're gonna go up tonight and you're gonna kill it, that's what's gonna happen.
Mikey, you ready? No! Lot of second thoughts, and that second thought is that I'm out! I could use a roadie, Mikey.
Boom, you're back in.
You're Grace's roadie.
- Hey, Gabe.
- Jessica.
- Where's Walt? - Yeah, bad news.
He's not gonna perform.
His dad flaked, and he's really upset about it.
Hmm Man.
He must feel terrible.
Actually, I know he does.
My dad used to flake so much, my mom called him Head & Shoulders.
I I was kinda hoping you'd go talk to him? You know what? That would be the right thing to do, go and convince him to perform.
Yes, that would be great.
And, uh, you could stay, and see him perform and everyone else perform, and I can't think of anyone who'd be upset over that.
Walt.
Dude, I've been looking all over for you.
Well, you found me.
Now, you hide and I'll count.
One, two You know, you're not supposed to be in the faculty lounge.
It is a pretty exclusive club.
Is there bottle service? Only when Coach Dixon's in here.
Look, I know what you're going through.
I doubt it.
No, it's true.
My dad wasn't there for some of the big moments in my childhood, like my childhood.
Then why'd you set me up for this stomach punch? You told me to go out on a branch with you, so I did, and it snapped.
What are you talking about? We didn't even go out on stage.
No, I'm talking about my dad not coming.
Walt, this isn't about your dad, okay? You can't just perform to impress a parent.
It's what Britney Spears does.
And how did that turn out? She landed on her feet with a residency in Vegas.
Fair point.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, Walt, forget about your dad.
If he doesn't wanna see you kill it on stage tonight, that's his loss.
Really? What's important is that you get up on that stage and you kill it.
For Walt.
Yeah.
And plus, I could do all my "bad dad" material with no guilt.
Mm-hmm.
We both know that's a deep well.
What's the difference between a bad dad and a telemarketer? The telemarketer always calls.
That's a good one, I like that.
Hey, watch this.
How many bad dads does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None, your mom does it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know, even without my dad here, I'm still really nervous.
Good, that means you're gonna perform.
And to be honest with you, I'm pretty nervous too.
- Why? - Because, once you make people laugh on that stage, who's gonna wanna see two history teachers do God knows what? Been looking all over for you, Biggie.
It's time.
I know there's life after death, I just don't know if there's life after this.
- [DRUMROLL.]
- [FANFARE PLAYING.]
Good evening, Wilson High.
It is my pleasure to reprise my role as your host for tonight's festivities.
I got so many compliments last year on my clothes, my hair, my jokes, and my eyebrow game, I couldn't wait to do it again.
[CROWD CHUCKLES.]
Tonight, you are going to see some great talent, but enough about me.
Our first performer, playing Mozart's Violin Concerto No.
4, Grace Lee! This should be depressing.
Violins always are.
Roadie, bring me my axe! What is that girl doing? Not playing a violin, so this has gotten better already.
[STRUMMING ROCK MUSIC CHORDS.]
Oh! I didn't see Hendrix at Monterey coming.
Got any acid? So, let's talk about the F-word "Female.
" Oh, Jesus, do we have to? Oh, she's gonna.
[PIANO PLAYS.]
For my military knowledge Though I'm plucky and adventure-y Has been brought down To the beginning of the century But in matters Vegetable, animal, and mineral I am the very model Of a modern Major-General That boy ain't right.
He looks like the Pringles man became a damn pimp.
[STRUMMING UKULELE.]
Camptown races, sing this song Doo-dah, doo-dah Camptown Oh! Little help.
[LAUGHS.]
Damn, that was fun.
Give it up for Ms.
Spencer, y'all! Please welcome the comedy stylings of Walter Dobbs.
[SCATTERED CHEERING.]
Let's hear it for Principal Madison.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
It may not seem like it, but we have a lot in common.
I'm the product of divorce, and she's produced three divorces.
[CHUCKLING.]
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Shut up, Raymond! But, having parents who are divorced isn't the worst thing.
You get two Christmases, two birthdays, and two bedrooms to claim you're sleeping in when you're vaping at the pier.
- Oh! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
So, what else is going on? Dating's weird, right? [CHUCKLES.]
He's right, dating is weird.
My boy's crushing it.
Look, now you gotta get your head in the game.
I've seen every act.
I think we can take this thing.
This is our moment.
Yeah, the moment I bust a move while wearing a dollar-store crown in front of a lady I actually like.
So, the monkey turns to the bear and he goes, "That's not an acorn.
" [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Good night, Long Beach.
- [CROWD CHEERS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
"Acorn.
" I did I did not see that coming.
That was awesome.
My parents still love each other, and I didn't get the acorn thing, but you made me laugh anyway.
I owe it all to Mr.
Iglesias.
He told me not to steal Chris Rock's act, so I came up with something way better.
And it came from you, that's why it was better.
Are you guys catching any of this? Janitor Jim is balancing a ladder on his chin while he juggles.
No way.
SÃ, güey.
Who sees a ladder and says, "You know, I'm gonna balance that on my chin"? [JIM SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Big deal.
I bet I could do that with one-week's practice.
How long you think it would take to do that? - [CROWD CHEERS.]
- Janitor Jim, everybody! Wow.
All right, what a successful night.
- We should all go home winners now.
- Hey.
You promised a little boy 25 years ago that you would always be there for him.
And this little man is here to collect on that promise.
Now, for most shows, Cirque du Soleil would be the closing act, because that would be hard to beat.
You'd have to be out of your damn mind to try to follow that.
Give it up for Biggie and Smalls! - Hey, Biggie.
- What's up, Smalls? - Are you ready? - Born ready.
- Then count it down.
- On the three, on the two, on the one.
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.]
[CROWD LAUGHS.]
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING.]
Screwed by the judges again.
Come on, bro.
I think they got it right.
Matter of fact, I think Britney Spears should be opening for Janitor Jim.
All right, guys, everybody outta here.
Some of us have real work to do.
[SIGHS.]
Check it out, kids.
Janitor Jim here had the courage to leave the shadows and step into the spotlight, and finally get some recognition for his talents.
Finally? You think this is my first juggling trophy? One bright morning When I'm dead and gone I'll fly away I'll fly away Oh, precious, I'll fly away [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]