Mr. Mom (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

[OBJECTS CLATTERING.]
Hannah, please don't give Zack the adult toothpaste, it's too spicy for him! [HANNAH.]
Dad, Zack's crying! It's too spicy! - [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
- Okay.
Well, I'll be there in a minute.
No What?! I mean, is it still a s'more if it's untoasted? I think it's s'more adjacent.
[LAUGHS.]
What can we do? It's a camp-fire free zone.
I know what we can do.
[KISSES.]
You want your present? - That wasn't it? - [CHUCKLES.]
Happy anniversary, baby.
- You remembered.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Whoa! Kings of Leon! I thought they were sold out.
I know.
I pulled a couple of strings at work, and, you know, that was our first concert together.
How could I forget? That guy spilled a beer on you, then when I told him to back up, he punched me in the temple.
Yeah.
And when you came to, I knew you were the one.
Thank you for these.
This is awesome.
[CHUCKLES.]
I need water.
Give me my present first.
So, this past year has been the greatest year of my life.
Besides the year I won the baseball state championship, and the summer in Oregon with Stan.
Clearly.
Um, seriously, I love you.
Happy anniversary.
Now, I know it's more than I thought we'd spend, but you deserve it, baby.
Buy whatever you want.
You're giving me money? We're married.
Yeah, but the first year is paper, right? Yes.
I know.
That's why I got you tickets.
Are you annoyed? I'm not.
I love it.
I'll remember it forever.
- [RAIN PATTERING.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, no! Now what do we do? A hurricane couldn't stop our love.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [ZIPPER UNZIPPING.]
- Hey, guys.
Sorry about my sprinklers.
They only last about seven minutes.
Longer than Greg, am I right? What? Why are you here? Oh.
Cindy's stepdad is being a total jerk, so we came home a day early.
Would you get out of here, please? It's my yard.
Relax, it's not like I haven't seen you guys naked before.
- When? When? - You have? Not at the same time.
- What? - We're leaving.
How do you pack up this tent? Ah, don't worry about it.
I'm probably just gonna throw it away.
That was super creepy.
One more round? No.
What if I paid you another hundred bucks? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, Stan.
Is he out there now? Stan? - Yeah? - Knew it.
I knew it! - Go back inside! - Stan! Come on.
Oh.
Where's my mojito? Oh, God.
The bartender was super busy, so I called an audible.
Aw.
You put the bartender ahead of your wife.
Maybe, in that case.
But, I didn't get him one of these.
Happy anniversary.
Thank you, honey.
Please be an unromantic stack of cash.
Please.
Cotton socks.
For the woman with feet like Antarctica.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh.
See! That is actually very thoughtful.
Thank you.
And you know what else I love about these? You'll never get me socks for an anniversary gift ever again.
Well, there goes my "Year 7, wool" idea.
Okay.
I feel like you may have caught me working on this.
Okay.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
All right.
Let's see.
Ooh.
You made a beanie.
- I made a beanie! - Another beanie.
- You love beanies.
Yeah.
- I love it.
Feel like I'm getting too old for beanies.
- I'm gonna see.
- You might be getting a little too old.
- You are.
You're gettin' - And I still It - You are officially in - I just It just happened.
Right now, you crossed over.
- I just became too old to wear a beanie.
- You're too old for beanies.
- Can't even - You're too old to wear beanies.
- Now? Now? I feel like - Especially, not like that.
- What about now? - Oops, that's worse.
I feel like beanie guys are always just lookin' up from somethin', - like, it's like, "You caught me.
" - Yeah.
Yeah.
I think we're gonna give it to Goodwill.
- Take it off.
Take it off.
- Bud Light.
Oh, my God.
Stan brought his baby to the bar.
Oh, my God! What is the matter with him? What's up, party people? Hey, man.
Where is everybody? You're early.
We came to have dinner first.
Oh.
Cindy went to the movies tonight, so, I thought I would take full advantage.
What? And you couldn't find a babysitter? No, I could.
But I'm not going to spend good money on a babysitter.
Kid's five months old.
He barely moves.
Stan, It's a little weird.
We're in a bar.
I'll be in and out.
Three beers, and I'm gone.
In fact, why don't you guys pound those, so I can get you some more.
What are you having? Uh, okay, IPA and a margarita.
- You got it.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
Well, it wouldn't be an anniversary without Stan now, would it? What's the big deal? He's just out, having a little fun with his baby.
We'd be doing the same thing.
[SCOFFS.]
Which is exactly why we're waiting to have kids.
Why are we waiting? Because we're not ready.
We want to travel.
We want to go to Japan and Italy.
All things you can do with a baby.
Look at your buddy over there.
It's a great umbrella bit.
Let's at least wait until we have a house.
Okay? Let's wait until we get a practice dog, and we're both making six figures, and we belong to a country club.
All right.
Let's get wasted.
You left your baby on the bar.
He's fine.
Come on.
Happy anniversary, guys.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Happy anniversary! - [STAN.]
Yeah.
- Happy anniversary.
See? No one's ever ready.
[CHUCKLES.]
And they left a bunch of touch-up paint in the garage, and there's even a gallon of primer.
Oh, that's exciting.
For you.
And they left two copies of all the house keys.
- Okay.
- And this, like, binder, full of meticulous information on the house.
Ooh! That's exciting for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
I think we're gonna like this house.
- I do too.
- Mmm-hmm.
I mean, we better, because it's all burritos and pizza for the foreseeable future.
[CHUCKLES.]
Should we do gifts? Okay.
I hope you like it.
And if you don't, just don't tell me.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, I do like it.
Aw, it's our honeymoon.
- It's leather.
Yes.
- And it's leather, too.
Good job, baby.
I'm gonna put it right here, on this end table, that we can't afford, yet.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, my turn.
- Okay.
I love them.
Are they European size 12? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! You're pregnant? - I know.
It's so crazy, right? - Seriously? We're gonna have a baby! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God! There's so much we have to do.
- I know.
- I got to build a nursery, right? - Yes, yes.
- Yeah, and we need to put up one of those big giant growth charts at the back of a door.
We'll probably have time for that.
I've got to make a playlist for the delivery room.
Aw, that's sweet.
The good thing is, he's already got shoes.
- Or she.
Yeah.
- Or she.
Right.
What about work? What do What do You're gonna take some time off? Well, yeah.
I mean, I could.
But, I was actually thinking about staying home for a while.
You know, like just being a mom.
- Yes.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You think? [SIGHS.]
- Okay.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's make some promises.
- Okay.
- Okay? We're not gonna be the kind of parents that spoil our kids.
- Hand me downs, all the way.
- Yes.
Yes.
And I'm only going to feed the baby organic foods.
That we grow in our garden.
Yes, because we have a yard.
- Yes! - Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
And we won't smoke around them.
Well, we don't smoke now.
Right.
We're already doing awesome then.
Yes.
And very limited screen time.
I read that parents that use the TV as a babysitter cause lasting damage to their kids' brains.
And no video games.
- No, no.
- Video games are from the devil.
Nobody needs those.
Yeah, our kids are gonna read books.
- All the time.
Yes.
- Books, books, books.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
What are you thinking? Actu Honestly? I was wondering if you were gonna finish your burrito.
Honey, I'm eating for two now.
That's the most romantic thing you've ever done for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I'm so glad because I was really hungry.
Thank you so much, honey.
Just put on the jammies from last night! [HANNAH.]
But they're dirty! Uh, well, so just, you know, put 'em on now and you can change'em when Mom gets home.
Hannah, Daddy needs to borrow your art project.
[HANNAH.]
Dad, Zack has your wallet! Well, tell him to not open any pockets or lose the credit cards.
Why does he has my wallet? Um [CAR LOCK CHIRPING.]
- Hey! - Hey! Ugh! The water was out in our building all day.
We had to use the gas station bathrooms.
Ugh, gross.
[WATER RUNNING.]
Nice flowers.
Thanks.
I spent all day making them.
- Cute.
- Yeah.
What do you want to do about dinner? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! I forgot.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe I forgot! - You didn't forget.
Did you really forget? - I forgot, too.
- Honey.
You did? Oh.
I just remembered it an hour ago, when my mom texted.
Oh.
Good.
Oh.
But, what does this mean? Is our marriage doomed? No.
It means, our love is timeless, and if we're lucky, we'll be together long enough that we'll be sleeping in separate twin beds.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's what it means? - Yes.
- That sounds kind of amazing.
Aw.
Happy anniversary.
Thank you, baby.
You made me sweet, nice flowers.
- I did.
- There something I can do for you? [SIGHS.]
Well, there is one thing you can do for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's that? There's a sink full of dishes.
Thank you.
I thought you were gonna say something else.