Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
So, you two work together?
[Jane] John's under
the impression
that our boss favors me.
[John] Well, he does.
He wanted you to replace me.
[Jane] So you're mad
that I saved the day?
I'm mad that you take
all the credit every time.
Stop saying that! I take
I didn't take the credit.
You know,
I'm gonna take a shower.
[therapist] Where else
are you feeling
misaligned?
- Kid stuff.
- [Jane] John, you want
to bring kids into this life
after a day like we had today?
[grunting]
You said it yourself.
You wouldn't be a good mom.
So don't come here
and talk that shit to me.
[therapist] What about
working on
separate projects?
- That could be good.
- Mm-hmm.
♪
[grunting]
♪
♪
[computer chimes]
[inhales deeply]
[clears throat]
[John] Going out.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[sniffles]
[sighs]
[sniffles]
[doorbell rings]
[Jane] Shoes on, off?
[Bev] Uh, it's
what-whatever you prefer.
Uh, can I get you
something to drink?
Tea? Coffee? Juice?
- Yeah. Sure. Good.
- Okay.
Uh, wh-wh-which one?
What?
- Tea, coffee
- Oh, tea is good.
Sure.
[grunts]
Place is beautiful.
[Bev] Um, thanks. Thank you.
[sighs]
I wasn't sure if you wanted,
um, honey or
[gun cocks]
Sit down.
Sit.
Down.
No, on the couch.
Couch.
[grunts]
Hold the cups.
Okay.
I'm gonna ask you
some questions.
And I want you
to answer them honestly.
- All right.
- Okay.
How long have you been
seeing my husband?
We're not seeing each other.
We met, uh
a month ago. I
met him at a bar
and I invited him here.
What made you want
to take him home?
Well, I-I didn't.
Uh, not at first.
He was, he was wearing,
uh, too much cologne.
But he was warm
and not too forward.
And he was funny
in-in a way that was
self-aware, not goofy.
What did you guys do?
We, uh, we-we watched a movie.
[sniffles]
[exhales]
No, don't swallow it,
you-you have to
ex-expel the mucus,
bring it out.
What?
Look, there-there
are tissues Oops!
- I'm sorry, I'm just
- It's fine.
- I'm just a bit freaked out by
- Leave it.
all this.
Keep your hands on your lap.
Okay.
Movies. So that's
that's what you guys
do together, you watch movies?
- Yeah. Sometimes.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, or we-we drink
and smoke, talk.
We-we just hang out.
Did you guys, uh
[clears throat]
Did you guys have sex?
No. No.
Okay. Um
What do you know about John?
That's a That's kind
of a-a vague question.
Do you know
what John does for work?
Yes.
Do you know what John
really does for work?
Yes. I do.
What is that?
He's, uh, he's a spy.
And you knew about me?
Yes.
Great.
What has he told you about me?
Uh, that you
work closely together, um
That you're smart.
Really smart.
And pretty.
[sighs]
That you weren't really
his type at first
Personality-wise.
Really?
How so?
You can be kind,
but you're not friendly.
Sometimes you're nicer
to your cat
than you are to people.
Mm-hmm.
- What else?
- Come on, what do I have to do to
What the fuck else?
Uh, he says that
it's too much.
Working and living together.
And that your-your lives
became very enmeshed
very quickly.
Like, he regrets
introducing you to yoga
because he misses
doing it alone.
[sniffles]
He says that you're controlling.
Controlling how?
[sniffles]
You make him feel like
a little boy.
Even in bed.
He says that
you don't let him
discover what you like
on his own.
Isn't that a good thing, though?
Uh, are-are you
asking my opinion?
No, I'm asking Fuck.
John. What does John think?
Does he think that's
a good thing? [sniffles]
I think that John
would love the chance to
figure things out, that's all.
So he's unhappy.
He does say
that he wonders whether or not
you guys are compatible.
But he also says
he wants to be with you, incompatibly.
He says that a lot.
- He does?
- He does.
[sobbing]
I just
It's so fucking annoying.
Because he thinks [sniffles]
I mean, he'll always say, like,
I'm smarter than him,
and that he plays
fucking dumb all the time
when he knows better, you know?
- He should know better.
- Yeah.
But just he uses it
as an excuse. [sighs]
Yeah, I, uh
- I-I I get that.
- [sniffles]
[Jane chuckles]
[sniffles]
It's, um
That's cool of you
to just be so hon
Just to be clear,
we're not bonding.
You have a gun on me.
- I know.
- Okay.
- Um
- [doorbell rings]
That's John.
- What?
- That's John.
What would you like me to do?
P-Pick that shit up.
If you tell him I'm here,
I'll fucking kill you.
Okay? [sniffles]
[door opens]
- [John] Hey.
- [Bev] Hey.
- [John] What's up?
- [Bev] How you doing?
- [John] I'm good.
- [Bev] Oh.
[both laugh]
What's going on?
Smells good in here.
- Really?
- [chuckles]
Yeah.
You, uh
you were right about cashews.
They grow on trees.
Yeah.
Where did you think
they came from?
I don't know.
I thought they, um
thought they grew
in the ground like peanuts.
Oh, you stocked up.
Awesome.
Come here.
[singsongy] Come here.
Why?
Come here.
- No. [chuckles]
- Come on.
You come here.
I am coming here.
- [Bev chuckles]
- You got to meet me in the middle.
- [Bev chuckles]
- Come on.
[both chuckling]
- Come here.
- Thank you. Okay.
- That's sweet.
- Yeah.
Who made that?
Uh, the top? Uh
- Did you make that?
- No, no. No.
- It looks really good.
- Thank you.
I really like it.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
- [sighs] Nice.
- That's great.
Thank you.
Should we watch that, um?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Yeah, 'cause I fell asleep.
And I didn't get to finish it,
and I haven't watched since
That'll be great.
[music playing over TV]
Yeah, there we go.
Is this is where we were?
- Um
- I don't remember. I fell asleep.
Yeah, we were, we were there.
All right.
- [sets down remote]
- [sighs]
The '70s, man.
[Bev] Mm.
[John] They just did it better.
You want to hear a joke?
How'd you finish that so fast?
I was really hungry.
I don't know why I did that.
S-Sign of a psychopath.
[both chuckle]
- What do you mean?
- I don't know.
- Just you-you don't bite and chew ice cream. You
- Eating
What do, what do you do?
Um, suck it.
I don't like slurping.
Ah, fair enough.
- I'm gonna tell you a joke.
- Okay.
[chuckles]
Okay. You ready?
Mm-hmm.
Where were pencils invented?
Pencil-vania.
Ah-ha-ha.
Definitely worth it.
- [sucking]
- [indistinct chatter over TV]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter
continues over TV]
[sets down remote]
[clears throat]
Where's my wife?
[Derek Martin:
"Daddy Rollin' Stone"]
[John and Bev grunting]
Sorry.
[John groans, coughs]
Jane!
Girl, you think
you've had loving ♪
Girl, you think
you've had fun ♪
Girl, you ain't
a-seen nothin' ♪
Till I ♪
Come along ♪
Yeah, I'm a daddy ♪
Daddy rollin' ♪
I'm a daddy ♪
Daddy rocker ♪
I said I'm daddy ♪
Daddy rollin' ♪
- Yeah, daddy ♪
- Daddy ♪
- Daddy ♪
- Daddy
What?
Daddy rollin' stone
- [Jane] Shit.
- [choking]
[grunting]
He's got a girl named Chris ♪
Yeah ♪
I'm gonna steal that girl,
though he's twice my size ♪
[grunting]
'Cause I know how to do it
like a-this ♪
I'm a daddy ♪
Daddy rocker ♪
- I'm a daddy ♪
- Daddy rollin' ♪
I said I'm daddy
[grunting]
Yeah, I'm daddy
[gasping, choking]
I'm daddy
rollin' stone, yeah ♪
♪
[grunting]
[groaning]
[choking]
Jane! Jane! Fuck.
That was fun.
[grunting]
[door opens]
[groaning]
Jane!
Help!
[device whirring]
- Fuck. Right there!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- [choking]
- Stop moving.
- Fucking hold still.
- [groaning]
Don't move, don't move,
don't move.
- [whirring]
- [choking]
Okay.
Fuck.
[snapping]
- [gasping, coughing]
- [whirring stops]
Fuck.
Fuck!
[gasping]
Goddamn it.
[gasping]
Let's go.
- She's headed for Grand Army.
- How do you know that?
Because I'm tracking her.
Where'd you put it, the tracker?
It's on her back.
How'd you get it there
without her noticing?
I pretended
to give her a massage.
Nice.
[indistinct announcements
over P.A.]
I don't see her. Do you?
The signal says she's here.
Right here.
[busy chatter]
[electronic bell chimes]
[John] Yo!
- Shit. Sorry.
- Hey!
Move!
[man] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
[woman] Yo, slow down!
[busy chatter continues]
Move! Out, out, out, out, out!
Move!
Move!
[man] Come on, man!
- [Jane] Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
[woman screams]
[indistinct announcements
over P.A.]
[electronic bell chimes]
- Shit. Shit.
- Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck! Shit.
It's okay. It's okay.
We know where she's going.
- Jesus Christ.
- Just
You take the next train.
I'll go up on the street.
I'll take
Fuck.
What?
- What?!
- My phone died.
- Are you fucking serious?
- Time-out.
- Time-out, okay? Time-out.
- Are you fuck
You didn't charge your phone
- before you left the fucking house?
- You had my charger last.
No, I didn't!
I put it in the bed.
No, you didn't.
Oh, my God.
If we get our third fail,
it's on you.
We're not gonna fail.
- Oh, we're not?
- No, we
You had a month.
You had a month to kill her.
- What?
- Yeah.
How did you know that?
Hey. How did you know that?
I figured out your passwords.
[scoffs]
That is so like you.
- Whatever.
- That's such a violation of privacy.
How could you do that?
That is so you.
The op, it was
a three-day mission at best.
- You took a month?
- I had a plan!
Oh, really? What was your plan?
- To fuck her to death?!
- That's
really, really mature.
You're very mature.
[Jane] Come on. Hurry. Let's go.
[music playing faintly
over speakers]
[sighs]
You mind if, uh, we use
your plug to charge my phone?
I can't let strangers
plug in their phone.
- Why not?
- It could give the store a virus.
[John] That's not how it works.
You wouldn't get
a virus from the
What is a virus gonna do
to the store?
- Gah, it happens.
- "It happens"?
- Yes.
- Have you had it happen before?
[cashier] Not here yet,
but it's coming.
And I just can't risk this.
I'm sorry.
Can I get these?
Oh, also, can I get, um,
a couple sushi?
- Sushi.
- Uh, two of 'em.
- Two sushi.
- Mm.
And then maybe I can get
some challah?
- Challah bread.
- The fresh kind.
It's all fresh, miss.
Always fresh for you.
Here we go.
Sushi and challah.
Ugh, what a picnic.
You need to eat right now?
Yeah.
Can I also get some Band-Aids?
Band-Aids.
Mmm.
No credit. Cash, Venmo only.
Oh, I don't have any cash.
He-He's got cash.
You have cash?
It's all I have.
It's all he has.
Oh, I guess I have to charge
the phone to pay you.
- [cashier] One minute.
- Thanks.
[sighs]
Such a mess.
Mm-hmm.
I could've done this one alone.
- I wish you had let me close the deal by myself.
- [coughing]
Drink this. You're sick.
No, I'm fine.
You-you don't have allergies.
Just be a person
and drink fluids.
Fine. It's allergies.
More than that.
I don't want to drink more than
that or I'll get nauseous.
What do you think
makes this place like a
Kosher gas station?
You think all the beef jerky's
been blessed?
[sighs]
What is your problem?
We didn't have sex.
So you just gave her a massage,
but you didn't have sex?
Yeah, I did give her a massage,
and I didn't sleep with her.
- That's exactly what happened.
- Yeah, but you kissed her.
- Yeah, so what?
- Oh, my God.
So, you fucking kissed her.
- You just kissed? That's it?
- Yeah, we kissed.
- [Jane] And you didn't have sex?
- We tried to have sex.
Twice. And I couldn't get it up.
- Why?
- I don't know.
I I felt guilty. Probably.
About what? Why?
About y-you. I was
thinking about about you.
I don't I don't understand
why this is such a big deal.
We're we're allowed to have
sex on missions anyway, right?
Yeah, I know. Yeah.
I'm sure you've done it.
Yeah, of course.
How many times?
Twice.
Twi Really?
Yeah.
Was it good?
Are you seriously asking me
- if it was good?
- Did you have fun?
It's not about being
good or bad. It was work.
- It kind of is.
- No, it isn't.
It's about work.
I It's work. I leave it.
I don't take it with me.
How is what I did any different?
It's completely different.
It's Ooh! Okay.
I hate the cologne
that you wear, and you know
What the fuck does that
have to do with
No, stop. Stop and listen.
I asked you to stop wearing
cologne five months ago,
you didn't stop wearing it,
and then a month ago,
when she asked you
to stop wearing it,
then you stop wearing it.
Do you not see
how that's at all different?
You know I've been doing
this mission this long
mostly because of you, right?
- Because of me?
- Yeah, because you
- You're such an asshole.
- No, no, you always ask,
"Oh, who are we?"
"What are we doing?"
"What-What's
Mr. and Mrs. Smith?"
- Oh, yeah.
- And she actually knows.
- She works for a rival company.
- Oh, really?
And she knew what
Mr. and Mrs. Smith was.
- Oh, really?
- And I was trying
to get to it,
but you wouldn't let me do it.
What did you learn?
What did you learn?
- Did you learn a bunch?
- I didn't learn anything because
- you came through that fucking door.
- Oh, my God.
- Is the phone on?
- Uh, you're all set.
You two okay?
[John] She's in Flatbush.
Give me the code because if your
phone dies, then we're fucked.
24-68-32-6354.
And the, uh, Venmo account.
You know, to settle up.
I don't have Venmo.
I don't have Venmo.
[sighs] Ah.
Very nice. Have a great day.
[horns honking]
♪
[John sighs]
Can we stop running
for a second?
I bleed every time we jog.
Well, she's 14 blocks away,
so suck it up.
[deli employee] Hey.
Can I help you?
Um, yeah, did a woman
come in here?
I'm looking for my friend.
She had long braids.
- No one, no one came in here.
- Uh
- I-I'm talking.
- Is there a way
No, they don't need a story.
Is there a way to get upstairs?
No, not from inside here.
- From in here?
- No, not from here.
- Not from inside.
- Okay.
- Um, okay.
- Can I help you with something else?
Uh, no.
That's five cents a napkin.
Five cents a napkin?
Yes, five cent for napkins.
- 20 napkins for a dollar?
- Here.
[deli employee] Thank you.
- Come on.
- [electronic bell chimes]
[sirens wailing in distance]
[John] Tracker says
she's in there.
The white door
is the only way in or out.
She's probably at that unit
with the broken blinds.
[sniffles]
Well, we're gonna have to wait
till she comes out
or until someone goes in.
[Jane groans]
[sniffles]
I want to know
what happened after.
After what?
After you guys
tried to have sex.
It's not like I was going over
there, banging her brains out.
Okay? That'd be way worse.
- It's just as bad.
- No, it isn't.
You're gonna have
to accept one day
that not everyone is like you.
I got involved because
that's how I do it.
Thank you.
So you're admitting it.
You did have feelings for her.
- Thanks.
- I cared about her.
I liked being around her, yeah.
You told her
everything about me.
About us. Our jobs.
And she was probably
gonna fucking kill you.
But she didn't.
She had a lot
of opportunities to.
You think because she liked you?
- She was playing you.
- I don't care. It felt good.
Yeah, of course it did.
She's doing her job. [sniffles]
Yeah, well, it's better
than doing my job with you
when you make me feel
like shit all the time.
Oh, you're so fucking selfish.
Just call this what it is.
You were having
a full-blown emotional affair.
And now we're gonna
have to get another fail
because you had
to feel fucking good.
[Jane sighs]
Yeah, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry I didn't
- Fuck!
- [John] What?
- She's moving.
- God fucking damn it.
- Moving where?
[bell jingling]
[Jane] Taxi!
♪
[sniffling]
[John] Tracker says this is it.
[Jane] Wait, this is where
we had our first mission,
with the sandwich lady.
Supposed to be here.
Wait, this is weird.
[door clunking]
Why would she be here
of all places?
It doesn't make sense.
I told her about this place.
Told her it was
our first mission.
So you told her everything?
Great, John.
Your girlfriend
is fucking with us now.
[Jane sighs]
[Jane sniffles]
What is it?
[John] Tracker.
[Jane coughs]
Fuck!
[coughs]
I don't feel well.
I'll make you some soup
when I get home.
The neighbor
already made me some.
[Jess Sah Bi & Peter One:
"Minmanle?"]
[song continues in Guro]
[phone dings]
[John chuckles]
What?
Fiona's gonna be a big sister
'cause Bibi had
a surprise pregnancy.
What are you talking about?
The hippo.
That came up as news?
That's the alert I got.
[chuckles] Why is that
your algorithm?
I like hippos.
Obviously.
[Tchaikovsky:
"Concerto No 1 in B"]
♪
[knife chopping food]
[John] Yeah,
I got bouillon cubes.
Sounds like you don't
- you don't approve of those?
- [Mom] Son.
You're supposed
to use chicken feet.
It's the most important part.
That's the most nutritious
part of the chicken?
I thought it was the fat.
Why would the-the feet be
And it's the bone.
- The bone.
- Stock. Yeah.
- You know?
- Does the bouillon not have chicken feet in it?
I thought bouillon was
just crushed chicken's feet.
Just, like, little
crushed chicken's feet
- put into little cubes.
- [laughs]
You know, I don't think
you've ever made me soup.
If you want me to make you soup,
I'll make you soup.
I don't think you want my soup.
With the bouillon, you're right,
I don't think I want it.
[John laughs]
A'ight. That necklace
I got you looks good.
You look like
a fourth-grade teacher.
Like, art teacher.
Thank you.
So, tell me, how is Jane?
She's good. She's just, um
She's just a little sick, so
I'm just making
this soup for her
'cause she's not
drinking enough water, so
Mm.
Do you have cayenne pepper?
Uh
Because that's really good
for a cold.
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter over TV]
Here you go.
[Jane grunts]
Thank you.
[Jane sniffles]
And now you're watching this?
You want to watch this?
[grunts softly]
[TV shuts off]
[grunts softly]
[computer chimes]
I don't even know what to write.
Just say we failed.
We didn't fail. I failed.
It's my mission. I
You don't even need
to be a part of it.
Don't act like a saint.
Hihi already knows.
You didn't complete the mission.
They told me.
[sniffles]
Hihi told you that?
Yeah, I didn't break
into your computer.
Why would they do that?
They obviously wanted me
to intervene.
No.
Hihi told me you were at Bev's.
What are you talking about?
That's how I knew
you were there.
Why would they do that?
Fuck it.
Wait.
- [key clicks]
- [computer beeps]
Well, that's that.
Ooh.
That's good.
I'm done, Jane.
Yeah.
I'll leave in the morning.
[door closes]
[Roger Miller:
"Husbands and Wives"]
♪
Two broken hearts lonely
looking like houses ♪
Where nobody lives ♪
♪
Two people each having
so much pride inside ♪
Neither side forgives ♪
The angry words
spoken in haste ♪
Such a waste of two lives ♪
Thank you.
It's my belief
pride is the chief cause ♪
In the decline ♪
In the number
of husbands and wives ♪
A woman and a man,
a man and a woman ♪
Some can, some can't,
and some can ♪
♪
Two broken hearts lonely
looking like houses ♪
Where nobody lives ♪
Two people each having
so much pride inside ♪
Neither side forgives ♪
The angry words
spoken in haste ♪
Such a waste of two lives ♪
It's my belief
pride is the chief cause ♪
In the decline
in the number ♪
Of husbands and wives ♪
Husbands ♪
♪