Mulaney (2014) s01e07 Episode Script
Motif & The City
Finding an apartment in New York is insane.
You move to New York and you realize that you can either afford an apartment in New York or an entire block in Alabama.
Looking for an apartment totally changes your way of thinking.
I remember, I was looking for an apartment and I went to see that Johnny Depp movie, Public Enemies, and there's this scene where Johnny Depp is thrown into a jail cell, and my first thought when I saw the cell, literally was, "whoa, that place gets good light.
" I was looking for an apartment once online and uh, the listing had two photos.
One photo was of a sink, and the other photo was of Washington Square Park.
As if to say, "this terrible sink is nowhere near Washington Square Park.
" I was looking for an apartment and a realtor showed me a tiny apartment where one wall was a mirror, and she said, "it makes the place seem so much bigger.
" Yeah, but you know, it's not.
Who are you trying to rent this place to, a bird? I wanted later for her to be like, "uh, excuse me, my broker fee was $1,000.
Your check is for 500," and I could be like, "well yeah, put it up against that mirror and it'll look like $1,000, you optically-fooled idiot.
[Upbeat music.]
Mulaney - 01x07 Motif & The City (Ice-t) Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? Good night, Oscar.
Good night, Mrs.
Levy.
Good night old man from the third floor who thinks my name is Jorn.
Those building tenant meetings are the best.
So many old, angry people.
I hope I spend the twilight of my life screaming about the condition of a laundry room.
We should start a game where you take a drink every time someone uses the Nazis to make their point three different people said the term, "Gestapo-like" to describe the mailmen.
Oh, hello, you left the meeting without cookies! Made by Reeni with the filthy apartment and all the birds.
Oh, thank you Oscar, we will definitely put these in our mouths.
Sorry I got angry in there.
Even though Buddha teaches that the material world is an illusion, these menus on the doors are driving me crazy! Oh, oh! Now there's a yellow pages at my door.
If I want your phone number, I'll walk to your business and ask for it.
Hey, next time you have one of those meetings, you should tell me about it.
I got a lot of ideas to fix stuff around here.
Like one: We need stronger heating pipes.
Two: I broke our heating pipes.
What? How did you do that? Capoeira.
It's like salsa dance, but with knives.
I mean, we'd invite you but you're not really a tenant 'cause you're not on the lease.
I'm not on the lease? No, not technically.
So what was that thing I signed when I moved in? Your headshot.
Yeah, you signed one for each of us even though we did not ask for it.
Mine said, "stay in school.
" Mine said, "best pizza in town.
" I stand by both of those.
You know, Motif, Jane and I have never added a third roommate to the lease because if we change the lease, they could raise our rent.
Yeah, back in the day, we got a really good deal on rent 'cause it was the recession and then we kind of hinted that we were refugees from Katrina.
So legally, I don't live here.
What happens to me if you and Jane get hit by a bus? Ew, I would never take a bus.
No, you wouldn't be on the bus you'd be in front of the bus, which is how it hits you.
Ew, I would never be in front of a bus.
Motif, you're always gonna be our roommate, okay? We don't need to put it in writing.
Now come on, let's relax.
Watch some TV.
A'ight, whatever.
Hey, let's watch the Time Travel Channel.
There's a show where Sherlock Holmes time travels to different farmer's markets.
The cast is so diverse yet all Canadian.
We cancelled the Time Travel Channel.
No, no, no, no! Please, no! I gotta find out if Sherlock Holmes gets to the 1990s and discovers hybrid fruit.
Look, I'm sorry, it was an extra ten bucks a month, and we didn't think anyone watched it.
Plus, you're not on the cable bill.
I'm not? It's like I don't exist here.
Come on, Motif.
You know how it works.
I pay cable and electric.
And I don't take that for granted.
Here's what I think of that.
They're revised headshots.
"You hurt my feelings.
Love, Motif.
" Mine still says, "best pizza in town.
" And then Motif was sulking for the rest of the night.
I mean, it's not like we're trying to hurt his feelings.
It's just simpler not to put things in writing.
Well, if you want my opinion, I wasn't listening.
Nobody has contracts anymore.
They're like my eyelids, done.
You know, I went through three divorces and five agents before learning this valuable life lesson: Don't marry your agents.
I mean, I've worked with people for years with just a handshake.
Like Arnie.
Arnie, the audience plant? Well, he's not a plant, JJ.
He's a human being that we intentionally put into the audience so I can improvise pre-written insults at him.
He's been with me for years.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
And welcome to Celebrity You Guess It.
What a wonderful audience we have today.
Look at this guy.
Looks like Harry Potter ate Hogwarts.
[Obnoxious laughter.]
He got me.
Good sport.
Today on Loose Cannon, I go undercover as a student and have sex with a teacher.
But who's at fault? Look at this guy.
Looks like Where's Waldo on Jenny Craig.
[Laughter.]
Or off Jenny Craig, whatever.
You've gotta be kidding.
And I just had the Soviets redecorate my apartment.
I said, "Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall and put in a bidet at least.
" [Laughing.]
Look at this guy.
Ben Franklin with a drinking problem.
What? Oh! Good night, America.
Please, give generously.
I don't understand how you can show the same guy in the audience every time, and nobody's figured out that he works for you.
TV magic, John.
People want to believe.
Also, rampant glaucoma.
this is a radio show.
Hey, Arnie.
Hey.
Hey man, I think it's pretty cool that you've worked for Lou for 25 years without a contract.
Shows a lot of trust.
Especially with all the insulting names he called you.
Oh, those are just TV jokes, Arnie knows I love him.
The kid's got a point.
This is a tremendous problem.
We need to talk.
Oh, you're just mad because Rogaine doesn't make tacos.
I told you that in confidence.
We'll talk later, okay? Thanks for meeting me at the old spot for a drink.
I needed to talk to my homies.
Sharisse, Alexa, Cassidy, tell me the truth.
Am I wrong to want a commitment? Motif, roommates are all the same.
This John and Jane are gonna get their fill of you and give you up an hour later.
You know what I say, "I don't get a lease? They don't get a piece.
" Mm-hmm.
"Sign it, or decline it.
" Yeah! "No general contract, no genital contact.
" I see what y'all are saying.
Except for you, Cassidy.
I feel like you're talking about something else.
You know what you need to do? An ex-cavation.
- Excellent idea.
- Yup.
Yes! Yes! Explain.
Find out everything you can about John and Jane's ex-roommates.
"Check how you stack up before you shack up.
" As a lawyer, I agree with Sharisse.
Motif, just don't let up until you see that shiny lease on your finger.
Cassidy, I feel like you have your own issues and that's okay.
I'm gonna take your advice.
"I either get it in writing or I will be riding" Nah, never mind.
I'm out.
This is a box of my baby teeth.
Ooh, this is a box of my adult teeth.
Ooh, this is a box of used baseball cards.
Used? You know.
Andre, I asked you if you had any information on Mulaney and Jane's ex-roommates.
I think I might have a few notes.
[Grunts.]
All right.
According to my files, there have been a bunch of third roommates before you, but none of them lasted more than a year.
Why? What happened? First up: Veronica J.
, "The Doctor.
" She spent her days saving sick children, and her nights baking delicious treats for Mulaney and Jane.
She sounds like an angel.
Not according to Mulaney and Jane.
Whenever she sang "the happy birthday song," hers stretched out a little too long.
My version clocks at 20 minutes.
Next up, there's Charlie Z.
, "the Rich Kid.
" Daddy owned a tech company.
Paid his first six months in advance.
How do you pay six months rent in advance? What if they redesign money? You don't know what it's gonna look like.
Either way, he got the boot.
His fatal flaw: He called sandwiches "sammies.
" Oh, my god.
They're brutal.
This is why I live at home and don't have roommates.
Only Andre is the king of Andre.
I make my own rules.
[Knock at door.]
Andre! Your friend goes home! It's time for your bath! Not now, Gerta, we're being spies! You shut your mouth or I'ma spank your tush.
Oh, no! Motif, run! Run! Run! Save yourself! All right, about this lease.
What's going on? Is this a seance? Let's contact my great-grandma! She loves seances.
She's like 30 minutes away.
Motif, John and I had a talk.
Oh, no.
Talk? No! don't kick me out.
I won't call pajamas "jammies" any more.
I'll call them "pajam-wiches" No, no, we realized how important you are to us.
Oh.
Oh! We want to make this official, and uh, we hope you'll say yes, because there's no going back now.
This has always been my dream.
A dream I've had since yesterday afternoon.
We put you on the cable bill! Ah! All right! Yay! Yeah.
Of course.
You were never gonna add me to the lease.
I can't live here.
This whole time, I thought it was about the three of us.
But it's just about Jane and her sidekick Mulaney.
Motif! I mean, it's more about, like, Mulaney and his two friends, right? No, I think it's just Jane and her friend Laurie.
Oh, you've met her.
Hey, Lou, Motif is moving out of my apartment.
Oh, that's great.
We'll celebrate whatever you just said later.
Meanwhile, thanks to you, I have a mutiny on my hands.
Arnie, how dare you demand a contract? Benefits? You were like a son to me.
A son! Now you want me to provide for you? Lou, I went to Yale Drama School.
I turned down roles in Moonstruck, Do The Right Thing, and that show Girls.
I was supposed to be a fireman they meet.
But I gave it all up so you could call me "Lard Ass Larry David.
" [Laughs.]
I forgot about that one.
"Pretty big twinkie.
" "Pretty, pretty, pretty big twinkie.
" Give me the contract I deserve or I'm gonna have to consider the offer to be on The Good Wife.
Wow, Arnie, take the role.
Yeah, but Arnie, these demands are insane.
You know? "A chamber maid who's castilian and cross-eyed"? Uh, no, Lou, that's the list of new characters you wanna try.
Oh, right, yes.
Better this? Or like this? I quit.
Oh senor, is that a dish of paella in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Put an "a+" next to that one.
Anyways, thank you again, Sharisse, for letting me crash with you.
I miss those guys, but Yeah, Motif, you dominate the conversation a lot.
It's not all about you.
Right.
Like, sometimes we want to discuss how I'm a lawyer.
We get it.
You're the Carrie.
Who's Carrie? (All) From Sex And The City.
Never heard of it.
(Motif) Meanwhile, uptown, Mulaney and Lou were finding it takes more than miracle-gro to grow an audience plant.
Okay, this is hopeless.
This is hopeless.
None of those guys have what it takes to be an audience plant.
I mean, look at this guy.
There's nothing to make fun of here.
Are you looking at him? Look, John, come here, come here.
Get over here.
There is nothing wrong with them.
We've seen a lot of losers who can sit in the chair while you insult them.
You just miss your friend, Arnie.
Admit it.
Oh, my god.
You're right.
That four-eyed fatso is the longest relationship I've ever had.
And who am I left with now? You? You don't have what it takes to be an audience plant.
You're moderately handsome.
Oh, thank you.
And you're a terrible, terrible actor.
What's all that noise? Are the windows open? No, they're shut.
I checked.
Why has the city been so loud the past couple days? Motif, he was always talking and zipping things, and eating chips like a bachelor in a commercial.
He drowned out the city like white noise, so to speak.
Hey Jane, do you think I'm a bad actor? I assume so, why? Lou said I was bad at acting, but I always thought I was destined to be baby boy superstar.
Who told you that? Motif.
Aw.
Aw, I miss him.
There's been such a void since he left.
And not just because he took the table.
He was the only one who wasn't terrified of bugs.
He said they each had a story to tell.
He was the only one brave enough to throw recycling in with the regular trash.
I've got this bottle, I think we're just stuck with it.
He was the only one who had scissors? Why don't you have scissors? I got a package in the mail, I cannot open it.
There's literally no way for me to open it.
Just open it with something else.
- With what John? Magic? - I don't know, Jane.
Oh, and by the way, thanks for noticing, I'm in an outfit.
So? So, celebrate it.
Do you realize every morning, no matter what I was wearing, I would enter the kitchen, Motif would look at me, and yell, "damn!" And then he would walk around me three times, just taking me in, from every angle.
He once looked at me and said, "mmm, I wish I could destroy that.
" And it came off as sweet.
Fine, Jane, I wish I could mess your body up real good Stop it! Stop! Stop! Just compliment me, John, okay? Tell me I look like a vanilla Beyonce.
Okay, uh, you look very classy.
Actually, do you know who I've always thought you looked like? Do you know Christiane Amanpour? Don't you ever say that name to me again.
(Both) We need to get Motif back.
You want me to move in with you? I have the lease right here, Motif.
Sign it.
Sign it.
Sign it, sign it, sign it! Wait! Motif, come back to the apartment.
And bring the table.
And bring the bathroom door, which we're not sure how or why you took with you.
Please, Motif, just put down the pen.
Why should I? You threw out Veronica and Charlie for the smallest reasons ever.
Our ex-roommates? Veronica stole my credit cards and Charlie set up a video camera so he could watch Jane go to the bathroom.
Yeah, jokes on him.
I don't go to the bathroom.
Motif, we would never kick you out.
In fact, Oscar has a building meeting tonight and we're gonna add you to the lease.
For real? Yes, we need you.
My confidence is at an all-time low.
Why? You rock the mic like baby Jesus.
I need you too.
John said I look like Christiane Amanpour.
Go to them, Motif.
You belong together.
Ladies, you've been my angels.
You have been my shoulder to cry on, ever since we met on that body wash commercial three weeks ago.
I don't think I'll ever see you again.
Arnie, wait! Don't do The Good Wife, I need you, you fat Mr.
Magoo on crack.
It's a huge role, Lou I play a lawyer who has sex with everybody.
Yes, but do you want to walk into fake rooms and pretend to be a lawyer.
It's not you.
Come back and be my audience plant.
I'll give you a contract and benefits.
And when your family visits, I'll just insult you.
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but Arnie, you just 100% do The Good Wife.
No, I'm not a lawyer.
It'd be a lie.
Lou, I'm coming home.
All right, whatever.
Thank you, Mrs.
Regenbogen.
Unfortunately, there's no way to change the "Gestapo-like" height of your ceilings.
Next order of business, the laundry room.
Mrs.
Tuchman.
The laundry room is full of Nazi mouse droppings.
Oh, hello.
(All) Oh, hello.
We have an order of business.
Delightful! Everyone, put down your awful coffee and listen.
My roommate Jane and I realized something this week.
We hate each other.
Well, we don't hate each other, but we need a third roommate to keep us from killing each other.
Like the Gestapo did to many.
Mm-hmm.
She knows.
And that's why, we, the residents of 402, would like permission to add our good friend Motif to the lease.
Fascist.
John, that was a lovely speech.
Motion denied.
We can't put three people on your lease.
Legally, your apartment is a junior one-bedroom with a walk-in ice box.
Even two names is pushing it.
Okay, Herr Oscar, we'll play your game.
If Motif isn't on the lease, then we're not on the lease! Right, Jane? No! I don't agree with John at all.
I wanna be on the lease.
Motion approved! John's off the lease.
The lease is transferred to Jane Parvaneh Motif no-last-name.
Send him in! Thank you! Yes! Yeah baby! Damn, Jane, where did you get this hoodie? A hamper.
Are you for real right now? 'Cause you look like a persian Katy Perry.
Boys, boys, please show this non-tenant out.
No, come on.
Oscar I was bluffing.
Put me back on the lease, this isn't fair.
And hey, excuse me, for what it's worth, for those of you keeping score, this treatment is actually quite Gestapo-like.
That's right, Courtney love, the correct answer was "Marsupials.
" Could you have guessed that You full-haired Harry Potter without glasses.
[Laughter.]
What the hell happened to you? Hair transplant, laser eye surgery, personal stylist.
All thanks to you.
Those benefits you gave me were great! [Stammering.]
Has anyone seen my cross-eyed castilian chamber maid? Get me the wig, John.
Hand me the wig! So I realized roommates are a lot like plants.
Treat them right and they'll blossom.
So I got on the lease.
Print.
I am the Carrie.
You move to New York and you realize that you can either afford an apartment in New York or an entire block in Alabama.
Looking for an apartment totally changes your way of thinking.
I remember, I was looking for an apartment and I went to see that Johnny Depp movie, Public Enemies, and there's this scene where Johnny Depp is thrown into a jail cell, and my first thought when I saw the cell, literally was, "whoa, that place gets good light.
" I was looking for an apartment once online and uh, the listing had two photos.
One photo was of a sink, and the other photo was of Washington Square Park.
As if to say, "this terrible sink is nowhere near Washington Square Park.
" I was looking for an apartment and a realtor showed me a tiny apartment where one wall was a mirror, and she said, "it makes the place seem so much bigger.
" Yeah, but you know, it's not.
Who are you trying to rent this place to, a bird? I wanted later for her to be like, "uh, excuse me, my broker fee was $1,000.
Your check is for 500," and I could be like, "well yeah, put it up against that mirror and it'll look like $1,000, you optically-fooled idiot.
[Upbeat music.]
Mulaney - 01x07 Motif & The City (Ice-t) Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? Good night, Oscar.
Good night, Mrs.
Levy.
Good night old man from the third floor who thinks my name is Jorn.
Those building tenant meetings are the best.
So many old, angry people.
I hope I spend the twilight of my life screaming about the condition of a laundry room.
We should start a game where you take a drink every time someone uses the Nazis to make their point three different people said the term, "Gestapo-like" to describe the mailmen.
Oh, hello, you left the meeting without cookies! Made by Reeni with the filthy apartment and all the birds.
Oh, thank you Oscar, we will definitely put these in our mouths.
Sorry I got angry in there.
Even though Buddha teaches that the material world is an illusion, these menus on the doors are driving me crazy! Oh, oh! Now there's a yellow pages at my door.
If I want your phone number, I'll walk to your business and ask for it.
Hey, next time you have one of those meetings, you should tell me about it.
I got a lot of ideas to fix stuff around here.
Like one: We need stronger heating pipes.
Two: I broke our heating pipes.
What? How did you do that? Capoeira.
It's like salsa dance, but with knives.
I mean, we'd invite you but you're not really a tenant 'cause you're not on the lease.
I'm not on the lease? No, not technically.
So what was that thing I signed when I moved in? Your headshot.
Yeah, you signed one for each of us even though we did not ask for it.
Mine said, "stay in school.
" Mine said, "best pizza in town.
" I stand by both of those.
You know, Motif, Jane and I have never added a third roommate to the lease because if we change the lease, they could raise our rent.
Yeah, back in the day, we got a really good deal on rent 'cause it was the recession and then we kind of hinted that we were refugees from Katrina.
So legally, I don't live here.
What happens to me if you and Jane get hit by a bus? Ew, I would never take a bus.
No, you wouldn't be on the bus you'd be in front of the bus, which is how it hits you.
Ew, I would never be in front of a bus.
Motif, you're always gonna be our roommate, okay? We don't need to put it in writing.
Now come on, let's relax.
Watch some TV.
A'ight, whatever.
Hey, let's watch the Time Travel Channel.
There's a show where Sherlock Holmes time travels to different farmer's markets.
The cast is so diverse yet all Canadian.
We cancelled the Time Travel Channel.
No, no, no, no! Please, no! I gotta find out if Sherlock Holmes gets to the 1990s and discovers hybrid fruit.
Look, I'm sorry, it was an extra ten bucks a month, and we didn't think anyone watched it.
Plus, you're not on the cable bill.
I'm not? It's like I don't exist here.
Come on, Motif.
You know how it works.
I pay cable and electric.
And I don't take that for granted.
Here's what I think of that.
They're revised headshots.
"You hurt my feelings.
Love, Motif.
" Mine still says, "best pizza in town.
" And then Motif was sulking for the rest of the night.
I mean, it's not like we're trying to hurt his feelings.
It's just simpler not to put things in writing.
Well, if you want my opinion, I wasn't listening.
Nobody has contracts anymore.
They're like my eyelids, done.
You know, I went through three divorces and five agents before learning this valuable life lesson: Don't marry your agents.
I mean, I've worked with people for years with just a handshake.
Like Arnie.
Arnie, the audience plant? Well, he's not a plant, JJ.
He's a human being that we intentionally put into the audience so I can improvise pre-written insults at him.
He's been with me for years.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
And welcome to Celebrity You Guess It.
What a wonderful audience we have today.
Look at this guy.
Looks like Harry Potter ate Hogwarts.
[Obnoxious laughter.]
He got me.
Good sport.
Today on Loose Cannon, I go undercover as a student and have sex with a teacher.
But who's at fault? Look at this guy.
Looks like Where's Waldo on Jenny Craig.
[Laughter.]
Or off Jenny Craig, whatever.
You've gotta be kidding.
And I just had the Soviets redecorate my apartment.
I said, "Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall and put in a bidet at least.
" [Laughing.]
Look at this guy.
Ben Franklin with a drinking problem.
What? Oh! Good night, America.
Please, give generously.
I don't understand how you can show the same guy in the audience every time, and nobody's figured out that he works for you.
TV magic, John.
People want to believe.
Also, rampant glaucoma.
this is a radio show.
Hey, Arnie.
Hey.
Hey man, I think it's pretty cool that you've worked for Lou for 25 years without a contract.
Shows a lot of trust.
Especially with all the insulting names he called you.
Oh, those are just TV jokes, Arnie knows I love him.
The kid's got a point.
This is a tremendous problem.
We need to talk.
Oh, you're just mad because Rogaine doesn't make tacos.
I told you that in confidence.
We'll talk later, okay? Thanks for meeting me at the old spot for a drink.
I needed to talk to my homies.
Sharisse, Alexa, Cassidy, tell me the truth.
Am I wrong to want a commitment? Motif, roommates are all the same.
This John and Jane are gonna get their fill of you and give you up an hour later.
You know what I say, "I don't get a lease? They don't get a piece.
" Mm-hmm.
"Sign it, or decline it.
" Yeah! "No general contract, no genital contact.
" I see what y'all are saying.
Except for you, Cassidy.
I feel like you're talking about something else.
You know what you need to do? An ex-cavation.
- Excellent idea.
- Yup.
Yes! Yes! Explain.
Find out everything you can about John and Jane's ex-roommates.
"Check how you stack up before you shack up.
" As a lawyer, I agree with Sharisse.
Motif, just don't let up until you see that shiny lease on your finger.
Cassidy, I feel like you have your own issues and that's okay.
I'm gonna take your advice.
"I either get it in writing or I will be riding" Nah, never mind.
I'm out.
This is a box of my baby teeth.
Ooh, this is a box of my adult teeth.
Ooh, this is a box of used baseball cards.
Used? You know.
Andre, I asked you if you had any information on Mulaney and Jane's ex-roommates.
I think I might have a few notes.
[Grunts.]
All right.
According to my files, there have been a bunch of third roommates before you, but none of them lasted more than a year.
Why? What happened? First up: Veronica J.
, "The Doctor.
" She spent her days saving sick children, and her nights baking delicious treats for Mulaney and Jane.
She sounds like an angel.
Not according to Mulaney and Jane.
Whenever she sang "the happy birthday song," hers stretched out a little too long.
My version clocks at 20 minutes.
Next up, there's Charlie Z.
, "the Rich Kid.
" Daddy owned a tech company.
Paid his first six months in advance.
How do you pay six months rent in advance? What if they redesign money? You don't know what it's gonna look like.
Either way, he got the boot.
His fatal flaw: He called sandwiches "sammies.
" Oh, my god.
They're brutal.
This is why I live at home and don't have roommates.
Only Andre is the king of Andre.
I make my own rules.
[Knock at door.]
Andre! Your friend goes home! It's time for your bath! Not now, Gerta, we're being spies! You shut your mouth or I'ma spank your tush.
Oh, no! Motif, run! Run! Run! Save yourself! All right, about this lease.
What's going on? Is this a seance? Let's contact my great-grandma! She loves seances.
She's like 30 minutes away.
Motif, John and I had a talk.
Oh, no.
Talk? No! don't kick me out.
I won't call pajamas "jammies" any more.
I'll call them "pajam-wiches" No, no, we realized how important you are to us.
Oh.
Oh! We want to make this official, and uh, we hope you'll say yes, because there's no going back now.
This has always been my dream.
A dream I've had since yesterday afternoon.
We put you on the cable bill! Ah! All right! Yay! Yeah.
Of course.
You were never gonna add me to the lease.
I can't live here.
This whole time, I thought it was about the three of us.
But it's just about Jane and her sidekick Mulaney.
Motif! I mean, it's more about, like, Mulaney and his two friends, right? No, I think it's just Jane and her friend Laurie.
Oh, you've met her.
Hey, Lou, Motif is moving out of my apartment.
Oh, that's great.
We'll celebrate whatever you just said later.
Meanwhile, thanks to you, I have a mutiny on my hands.
Arnie, how dare you demand a contract? Benefits? You were like a son to me.
A son! Now you want me to provide for you? Lou, I went to Yale Drama School.
I turned down roles in Moonstruck, Do The Right Thing, and that show Girls.
I was supposed to be a fireman they meet.
But I gave it all up so you could call me "Lard Ass Larry David.
" [Laughs.]
I forgot about that one.
"Pretty big twinkie.
" "Pretty, pretty, pretty big twinkie.
" Give me the contract I deserve or I'm gonna have to consider the offer to be on The Good Wife.
Wow, Arnie, take the role.
Yeah, but Arnie, these demands are insane.
You know? "A chamber maid who's castilian and cross-eyed"? Uh, no, Lou, that's the list of new characters you wanna try.
Oh, right, yes.
Better this? Or like this? I quit.
Oh senor, is that a dish of paella in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Put an "a+" next to that one.
Anyways, thank you again, Sharisse, for letting me crash with you.
I miss those guys, but Yeah, Motif, you dominate the conversation a lot.
It's not all about you.
Right.
Like, sometimes we want to discuss how I'm a lawyer.
We get it.
You're the Carrie.
Who's Carrie? (All) From Sex And The City.
Never heard of it.
(Motif) Meanwhile, uptown, Mulaney and Lou were finding it takes more than miracle-gro to grow an audience plant.
Okay, this is hopeless.
This is hopeless.
None of those guys have what it takes to be an audience plant.
I mean, look at this guy.
There's nothing to make fun of here.
Are you looking at him? Look, John, come here, come here.
Get over here.
There is nothing wrong with them.
We've seen a lot of losers who can sit in the chair while you insult them.
You just miss your friend, Arnie.
Admit it.
Oh, my god.
You're right.
That four-eyed fatso is the longest relationship I've ever had.
And who am I left with now? You? You don't have what it takes to be an audience plant.
You're moderately handsome.
Oh, thank you.
And you're a terrible, terrible actor.
What's all that noise? Are the windows open? No, they're shut.
I checked.
Why has the city been so loud the past couple days? Motif, he was always talking and zipping things, and eating chips like a bachelor in a commercial.
He drowned out the city like white noise, so to speak.
Hey Jane, do you think I'm a bad actor? I assume so, why? Lou said I was bad at acting, but I always thought I was destined to be baby boy superstar.
Who told you that? Motif.
Aw.
Aw, I miss him.
There's been such a void since he left.
And not just because he took the table.
He was the only one who wasn't terrified of bugs.
He said they each had a story to tell.
He was the only one brave enough to throw recycling in with the regular trash.
I've got this bottle, I think we're just stuck with it.
He was the only one who had scissors? Why don't you have scissors? I got a package in the mail, I cannot open it.
There's literally no way for me to open it.
Just open it with something else.
- With what John? Magic? - I don't know, Jane.
Oh, and by the way, thanks for noticing, I'm in an outfit.
So? So, celebrate it.
Do you realize every morning, no matter what I was wearing, I would enter the kitchen, Motif would look at me, and yell, "damn!" And then he would walk around me three times, just taking me in, from every angle.
He once looked at me and said, "mmm, I wish I could destroy that.
" And it came off as sweet.
Fine, Jane, I wish I could mess your body up real good Stop it! Stop! Stop! Just compliment me, John, okay? Tell me I look like a vanilla Beyonce.
Okay, uh, you look very classy.
Actually, do you know who I've always thought you looked like? Do you know Christiane Amanpour? Don't you ever say that name to me again.
(Both) We need to get Motif back.
You want me to move in with you? I have the lease right here, Motif.
Sign it.
Sign it.
Sign it, sign it, sign it! Wait! Motif, come back to the apartment.
And bring the table.
And bring the bathroom door, which we're not sure how or why you took with you.
Please, Motif, just put down the pen.
Why should I? You threw out Veronica and Charlie for the smallest reasons ever.
Our ex-roommates? Veronica stole my credit cards and Charlie set up a video camera so he could watch Jane go to the bathroom.
Yeah, jokes on him.
I don't go to the bathroom.
Motif, we would never kick you out.
In fact, Oscar has a building meeting tonight and we're gonna add you to the lease.
For real? Yes, we need you.
My confidence is at an all-time low.
Why? You rock the mic like baby Jesus.
I need you too.
John said I look like Christiane Amanpour.
Go to them, Motif.
You belong together.
Ladies, you've been my angels.
You have been my shoulder to cry on, ever since we met on that body wash commercial three weeks ago.
I don't think I'll ever see you again.
Arnie, wait! Don't do The Good Wife, I need you, you fat Mr.
Magoo on crack.
It's a huge role, Lou I play a lawyer who has sex with everybody.
Yes, but do you want to walk into fake rooms and pretend to be a lawyer.
It's not you.
Come back and be my audience plant.
I'll give you a contract and benefits.
And when your family visits, I'll just insult you.
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but Arnie, you just 100% do The Good Wife.
No, I'm not a lawyer.
It'd be a lie.
Lou, I'm coming home.
All right, whatever.
Thank you, Mrs.
Regenbogen.
Unfortunately, there's no way to change the "Gestapo-like" height of your ceilings.
Next order of business, the laundry room.
Mrs.
Tuchman.
The laundry room is full of Nazi mouse droppings.
Oh, hello.
(All) Oh, hello.
We have an order of business.
Delightful! Everyone, put down your awful coffee and listen.
My roommate Jane and I realized something this week.
We hate each other.
Well, we don't hate each other, but we need a third roommate to keep us from killing each other.
Like the Gestapo did to many.
Mm-hmm.
She knows.
And that's why, we, the residents of 402, would like permission to add our good friend Motif to the lease.
Fascist.
John, that was a lovely speech.
Motion denied.
We can't put three people on your lease.
Legally, your apartment is a junior one-bedroom with a walk-in ice box.
Even two names is pushing it.
Okay, Herr Oscar, we'll play your game.
If Motif isn't on the lease, then we're not on the lease! Right, Jane? No! I don't agree with John at all.
I wanna be on the lease.
Motion approved! John's off the lease.
The lease is transferred to Jane Parvaneh Motif no-last-name.
Send him in! Thank you! Yes! Yeah baby! Damn, Jane, where did you get this hoodie? A hamper.
Are you for real right now? 'Cause you look like a persian Katy Perry.
Boys, boys, please show this non-tenant out.
No, come on.
Oscar I was bluffing.
Put me back on the lease, this isn't fair.
And hey, excuse me, for what it's worth, for those of you keeping score, this treatment is actually quite Gestapo-like.
That's right, Courtney love, the correct answer was "Marsupials.
" Could you have guessed that You full-haired Harry Potter without glasses.
[Laughter.]
What the hell happened to you? Hair transplant, laser eye surgery, personal stylist.
All thanks to you.
Those benefits you gave me were great! [Stammering.]
Has anyone seen my cross-eyed castilian chamber maid? Get me the wig, John.
Hand me the wig! So I realized roommates are a lot like plants.
Treat them right and they'll blossom.
So I got on the lease.
Print.
I am the Carrie.