Mulligan (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
The world ends today!
The skies will burn and fill with bugs!
Well, which is it, pal? Honestly.
[sighs] Sir, you've been warned
about bothering the nice people.
They're not people. They're bug food!
We're all bug food!
[humans gasp]
- [man 1] Bugs!
- [panicking]
- [bones crackle]
- [man 2 yells]
[humans screaming]
What do we do now?
- Uh
- [man 3 yells]
Are you gonna make me your king?
I was right?
[music builds, crescendos]
[theme music playing]
[whimsical music playing]
Happy Easter!
Pee! Eat her pee!
- Eat her pee!
- [Lucy groans]
Ah, stupid scratchy Easter pants.
What is the big deal about Easter anyway?
No presents,
girl colors,
and, you know,
real-life bunnies eat their babies.
It's disgusting!
Matthew, please.
Can you try to be classy for one day?
- [Matty groans]
- I've arrived.
Would anyone like to announce me,
as I've arrived?
Nice cape, jackass.
What are you, Superman? [chuckles]
No, wait. Batman?
Damn it. Dracula?
Lando Calrissian?
Ah, is everyone who wears a cape awesome?
Should I wear a cape?
I'm sorry about the president,
Your Kingness.
He doesn't know how to behave
at a party like this.
Well, may I say,
that was a textbook curtsy.
Well, I did minor
in etiquette and mixology at UNLV.
And as Miss America, may I say that
that is a beautiful crown and sash.
Matty, doesn't he look like
Prince Charming?
Well, I hope not.
The real Prince Philibert Charming
used to ride around
and make women try on shoes
because that was his thing.
- Uh-huh.
- Smile for the camera!
Then frown,
'cause I don't know
how to develop pictures.
Where the Fudgie the Whale is everybody?
We are still a Christian nation,
are we not?
Actually, we never really were.
The Founding Fathers were deists
Simon, this is fascinating,
but you're too close for these old ears.
Would you mind taking
two steps backwards while you talk?
Certainly. Thomas Jefferson
- Floor hole!
- This is just sad.
This is the hurfin' turfin' White House
Easter egg roll.
In the '80s,
this was the party of the year.
- [upbeat music playing]
- [crowd cheering]
[tires screech]
[cheering intensifies]
I don't know, man,
but I was all alone for mass this morning.
You had a empty church on Easter?
I blame the aliens.
Bishop Lee
from the Pentecostal Bethlehem
Temple of Fire
and What Else No Don't Write What Else
What Do You Mean You Were Chiseling
the Sign While I Talked
and Now All of This is on the Sign
Well You Are One Fast Chiseler
Now Just Write
of God and Christ Church Period
No Don't Write Period the Last Thing
on the Sign Should Be Church.
Well, that's a mighty long name, Bishop.
There was a issue
with the guy who chiseled the sign.
Look, the alien attack
was clearly the Rapture,
which means everyone on Earth
got left behind and is going to hell.
But folks don't like hearing that.
Well, Bishop, if we're all left behind,
why are you here?
- Secret family.
- Oh.
The beauty of Unitarianism
Debby, would you be a dear
and take seven or eight steps backwards?
is that we don't pretend
to have all the answers. Or any.
Just questions and music from the '60s.
One pear ♪
Well, no wonder
you all have fewer followers
than a white fella in a hundred-yard dash.
People want reassurance and hope,
not guilt trips and gobbledygook.
Or marital advice from someone
who does not know what he's talking about.
How is babby formed?
Ah, traditional religion may be
out of step with our new reality.
and that is why
God wants you to have two dishwashers.
What does Leviticus say
about my face being upside-down?
Which means y'all are of no use to me.
A shepherd without a flock is just a guy
who talks about sheep a little too much.
It's not fair, man.
We can't compete with Dave.
Dave?
- Who is Dave?
- [whimsical music plays]
We can overcome discord with friendship.
Friendship is magic.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [uplifting music plays]
[straining, panting]
Axatrax? Are you okay?
Yup, just chillin'. [groans]
Ooh, what's wrong with your head?
Give me some space.
God, you're like a European on the subway.
My Earth research
included a bunch of Colin Quinn standup.
Well, it's just that, um
it looks really weird.
My species is hermaphroditic, okay?
Every year, I alternate between
expelling eggs or spermatozo
- Oh boy, here it comes! Look away!
- [squelch]
- [squelching]
- [Dr. Braun] Wow.
You know, clownfish can change gender too.
If Finding Nemo happened for real,
the dad would have mated with his son.
Read the room.
Well, I'm sorry to intrude.
If you'd ever like to watch me ovulate
It's not gonna happen, Farrah. Let it go.
[grunts, groans]
[Jeremy] and of course,
this is a disciplinary fork
for when the servants
serve you soup on the wrong side.
Bad. Bad servant. Stupid.
[Matty] Oh, pfft. That's nothing.
I went to Steve-O's circus camp
in high school,
and they stabbed us a bunch.
Matthew, maybe make yourself useful
and go check on the egg roll.
Oh. Okay.
- [whimsical music plays]
- [Matty scoffs]
I think horses are
the most elegant animal to sit on top of.
I couldn't agree more.
I'll show them an egg roll.
"Dolley Madison
started the egg roll in 1814
as a way to round up children
for factory work."
Egg roll's canceled
due to being for babies.
Welcome to the first annual
White House egg hunt!
Actually, we can't do that either.
There are no eggs in the world.
Ah, then what do you call those,
Nerdington?
Sticks and stones, Matty.
But also, words can hurt as well, so
Oh, come on, what dillweed hid these?
You don't just put 'em all together.
[grass rustles]
Color me impressed, son.
Why, you must have had 200 souls in there,
hanging on your every word.
The guy washing my feet was
Alfred Yankovic. I saw.
So, what's this all about?
If you're a cop, you have to tell me.
No, I'm the vice president.
I see.
Religion and government are like two dogs
what got stuck on each other in a rut.
Your pulpit
It's actually a seat
from National Stadium.
Lifelong Expos fan.
I came with them when they moved to DC.
Really? Well, that's, uh unusual.
Oh, okay.
Well, either way,
that seat is a powerful platform.
You could tell folks what to believe,
what issues to care about, how to vote
[chuckles] I can't vote. Three strikes.
Just think what you and the Mulligan
administration could do together.
You play your cards right,
and you could be the next Billy Graham.
I think I'd rather just stay
David J. Fudgesniffer.
Well, let's just go with "Dave" for now.
Damn it, Jeff. Why'd you have to go
and tell LaMarr about that guy?
Because I'm stupid, okay?
I went to seminary
on a basketball scholarship.
God forgive me,
but religion as we know it is over.
Not the Anglican Church.
It lives so long as I do.
As king, I can send
anyone here to Anglican hell,
which is Catholic heaven.
I didn't know you were religious.
I was a card girl
at Crystal Pines Megachurch and Casino.
[Matty] No cheating.
Any kid looks, they get a wet willy.
Real wet.
Ugh.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm proud to introduce
my good friend Prophet Dave
to lead us in the traditional
Easter blessing.
[clears throat]
Hey, everybody.
Yeah, yeah,
I've actually got a new prophecy.
'Cause earlier, God told me
that, uh, today at the egg hunt,
the eggs are gonna hunt us.
- [all chuckling]
- [LaMarr groans]
[Bishop Lee chuckles] That guy's crazy.
And I once brought my secret family
to meet my real family.
[dramatic music playing]
[crackling]
[gnashing]
Colder.
Freezing.
Oh my God, kid, you suck.
What did you do with my eggs,
you science pervert?
What? No, I left them in the bushes,
right where you egested them.
That was you? Nice hiding, Braun.
Love to play hide-and-seek with you.
Hey, guys, I found Braun!
She was just sitting there in a pile!
Wait, you took the eggs?
Yeah, and hid 'em good.
No!
If not fertilized within the first hour,
Cardibean eggs have evolved
to attack and devour their mother
and anyone else in their path.
It is an evolutionary adaptation
to discourage a once-thriving
Cardibean hook-up culture.
- [romantic music playing]
- [tongues smacking]
[in alien language] Dude,
when did your eggs get so big?
[crackling]
- [hisses]
- [screams]
[in English] So your unfertilized eggs
try to ruin your life?
Join the club. I, uh
If we don't find those eggs
and destroy them,
they'll keep growing bigger
and more bloodthirsty
until they kill us all.
So you're saying this Easter egg hunt
just became an Easter egg hunt.
I mean, I guess?
You just said the same thing twice.
Do we have any idea
how many eggs there are?
At least a million. Maybe a billion.
One hundred.
There are always exactly one hundred.
Now, Matthew, where did you hide them?
- I've already forgotten.
- [dramatic music plays]
Yeah! They'll grow mouths
and feet and stuff.
They're gonna eat us!
[all laughing]
Could I grab the prophet for a mo?
Which is short for Moesha,
so about 22 minutes without commercials.
Dave, let's be frank.
Both of us? Won't that be confusing?
No, not our names, boy.
Look, you got lucky with that whole
"bugs are coming" thing,
and now you got a nice little setup.
All those acolytes hanging on
your every word,
like an old lady's wig on Tyler Perry.
Understernt?
Why do you know so much about
Every time I'm up for reelection,
they make me brush up on Black culture.
- She ready.
- I don't get the reference.
I'm just saying people might lose faith
if your prophecies forget to come true,
and then we both lose out.
So don't ruin this
like the series finale of Girlfriends.
Dude, I'm trying to ruin it!
Being a prophet
has totally beefed up my life!
Totally beefed it!
[dramatic music plays]
[snarling]
- That's six.
- [Lucy chuckles]
[both chuckle]
- [Dr. Braun] Where are you going?
- To get Lucy.
There's aliens to hunt,
and that's, like, our thing.
Let's see King Jeremy
use his fancy fork to stab an egg.
No, that's not
Ah, you get what I'm saying.
Yeah, I get it, Matty.
You would have loved England
before it melted and then sank.
[sighs] It's not even fit
for the Irish now.
I always dreamed of going,
but I've never even had
a hot breakfast tomato.
You must think I'm so, like, common.
[Jeremy] Common?
I think you're positively one of a kind.
- [squelch]
- [Matty] Give me that.
- [Matty grunts]
- [Lucy groans]
[Matty] What's the matter, egg?
Tree got your face?
- [Jeremy] Oh dear.
- Can we maybe take a walk?
- [whimsical music plays]
- [camera shutter clicks]
I do like the noise it makes
when I press the button!
[sighs]
Look, I used to get high all the time.
You get high?
I once took Mama's nerve powder
on accident.
It was, uh interesting.
Okay, if we drive all night,
we could get to Vegas by morning.
We take the money from Social Security.
We put it all on black.
Goodbye, deficit.
Drinks are free,
so we don't have to worry about that.
Who is writing this down?
Well, my jam
was boxed wine and PCP, natch,
and I would just say whatever.
Sometimes I was right.
Don't eat Bill Cosby's soup!
Do not eat his soup!
But usually I was less right.
This isn't my head!
Who put this head on my body?
I gotta get it off! [strains]
I gotta find my real head! [strains]
The post office took my head!
Then I predicted the bug thing,
and for, like, a week, it was great,
people bringing me drugs and boxed wine,
but it's, like,
kinda taken over my life now.
Like when I started
the Senate Model Train Club.
What I like about model trains
is playing with model trains,
not juggling schedules
and snack rotations.
I've got all the PCP in the world,
but no time to do it!
All day, it's just,
"Say some stuff, Prophet Dave."
"Have sex with us, Prophet Dave."
So I just quote My Little Pony.
The PCP community is all Bronies, you see.
The colors, the talking horses,
a chaos dragon named Discord.
It's basically what we're seeing anyway.
No, I get the appeal.
A positive message.
And I assume the ponies
have manes you can brush?
The way I see it, man,
my only way out of this is to be so wrong
that people stop listening to me.
[dramatic music plays]
Hey, Dave, what's gonna attack us next?
Maybe the bear that just wandered in here?
- Oh, crap, bad example.
- [all gasp]
Is that real?
But you guys know what I meant.
That Dave guy's scared of eggs.
- [all chuckling]
- [bear growls]
[whimsical music plays]
This is nice.
It almost makes me forget
how crazy every
- [bat screeches]
- [Lucy yelps]
You know, every day could be like this.
Are you about to sing?
What? No.
Oh, your accent just makes it seem like
you're always about to sing.
Lucy, I've got everything
I could ever want.
A working shower, a roof,
American tea to complain about.
It's just so imperceptibly worse.
But the one thing I'm missing
is a queen to share it all with.
And there's not a woman left alive
who can hold a candle to you.
And if they did,
it would only further illuminate
your beauty.
Oh, as long as it doesn't touch my dress.
Uh, it's very flammable.
[Jeremy] Mmm.
[Lucy] Mmm.
- [Jeremy gasps]
- I'm sorry, I can't. [cries]
Heard you're looking for a queen.
What do you think, huh? Huh?
[sighs]
[whimsical music playing]
Hey, there you are.
[scoffs] Obviously. I'm always where I am.
What are you accusing me of?
Look, Axatrax screwed up, and now his eggs
are trying to eat everybody.
It's like Gremlins 2.
But they're eggs.
And there's no Gizmo.
And it's not a movie.
What a crazy day.
- Why? What else happened?
- Uh, nothing.
You know Easter.
People just kinda go nuts.
Yeah, well, now we got
aliens to fight, partner.
Yes, partners.
Matty and Lucy.
[egg growling]
- What the hell is that?
- That's them, but the feet are new.
[Jeremy screams, grunts]
Heavens to Murgatroyd.
No, beyond Murgatroyd. Well beyond.
The eggs have evolved.
They are now, unfortunately, mobile.
Hey, wait, where'd she get a gun?
That's not fair.
I've just been throwin' and stompin'.
Oh yeah, I like this one.
I mean, hers has the thing on top,
but that's fine. No, I like mine.
That's 57 eggs.
Now are you glad I asked to keep score?
I have my own tally counter.
These are called tally counters.
We've gotta get the kids inside.
I'll help with that.
Then I'm just going to pop home,
change into some proper hunting pinks,
and then definitely come help you.
[chuckles] Oh okay. Yeah,
you go ahead and do that, sweetheart.
Luce, let's rock 'n' roll.
'Cause this Easter,
the eggs are hunting us.
What? No, no, no, I should be the one
who says cool stuff like that.
- This eggs, the Easter
- [cinematic music plays]
No, hold on.
- [cinematic music plays]
- Hunting eggs isn't deviled unless
That doesn't even make sense.
Goddamn it! Forget it! Let's just go!
[Jeremy] Yes, that's the long
and, I'm afraid, the short of it.
Obviously, I can't hunt anything
dressed like this, so I'll just be off.
Cheerio. Lock the doors behind me.
[door shuts]
Wait, what about the eggs?
[dramatic music plays]
[eggs growling]
Hyi-yah!
[egg grunting]
[upbeat music playing]
[grunts]
Lucy!
Eggsta la vista, baby!
- [eggs growling]
- [Axatrax yelling]
[Simon yelps]
- [growling continues]
- [yelps]
I'll take two eggs over kablooey.
Yippee ki-yay!
[bubbling]
- [soldier 1] Take him out!
- [yelling]
- [soldier 2] We need some help here!
- [gavel banging]
- [egg growls]
- [shotgun blasts]
[TOD-209] Thank you, friend.
[grunting]
[panting, grunts]
How's this for bottling up
my emotions, Mom?
[yells, grunting]
[Lucy] There's one behind you!
I'm out.
[growls]
[both gasp]
- [dramatic music playing]
- [lasers zapping]
[Lucy moans softly]
- [egg growling]
- There's one over there.
[growling continues]
[Axatrax exhales]
[egg growling]
It's just, like, Jeremy is everything
I've always wanted in a guy,
all fancy and classy.
Isn't that a classy word, "classy"?
I'm sorry, we're doing this now?
[egg growling]
You can have it!
But I know Matty wants us to be together.
Like, "together" together.
Wow, you have to choose
between being queen or First Lady.
What a terrible burden.
[TOD-209] Heart wants what heart wants.
Friends.
Yeah, it's a choice between, like,
love and duty, you know?
- That must be so hard for you.
- [Lucy sighs]
[Dr. Braun grunts]
[growls]
[yelps]
[TOD-209] That new.
[growling]
[growling intensifies]
Does Daveism do confessions?
'Cause, uh, you remember
when Notre-Dame burned down?
Can you speak to the dead?
If so, can you ask Tony! Toni! Toné!
which one of them got me pregnant?
- What's that, God?
- [all gasp]
Wow, God, that's crazy!
Guys, God says
God might just stop talking to you, boy,
if you keep blabbing his business
all over town.
Like when The Greenville News
published those
out-of-context pictures of me
wearing a dress and lying in a coffin.
Mother couldn't come to the coffin store.
Well, God says Satan is coming.
- Like now!
- [all gasp]
- [LaMarr] Not again.
- Satan?
What if Satan comes in disguise?
Which one of these white devils is it?
Uh, no, you'll know him,
because Satan has the head of a goat,
with red eyes, and one big fang,
and an antler.
He has the arm of, like, a cat,
but also another one
that's just a bird hand,
and he's got one bird wing, and one bat,
and a horse leg,
and I guess the tail is snake?
Uh, sir, isn't that kind of just Discord
from My Little Pony?
Oh, shoot, you got me.
I guess I'll just have to quit
and turn to drugs now. Bye!
- [loud thud]
- [all gasp]
[rumbling]
[woman] What is that?
[deep growl]
You have got to be f
[roars]
That's him all right.
What do you mean we're still missing one?
What about the four
Matty and I killed in the library?
That's only 99.
Then I got one that was trying on
lipstick in the bathroom,
like the girl gremlin in Gremlins 2.
So that's a hundred.
No, I got the hot egg.
I mean, the regular egg
with sexy lipstick.
[kisses]
[whistles sexily]
[gun fires]
Okay, so there's one egg left.
Let's go get it.
[roars]
It's too late.
[roars]
- Jeez Louise.
- [Simon yelps]
- [all panting]
- [growls]
TOD, inside!
I don't wanna be here!
- [electric crackling]
- [loud thudding]
You guys remember the end of Gremlins 2?
Jesus, Matty, now?
[sighs] Okay, well, they lure the gremlins
into the lobby and spray them with water
Spoiler alert!
and electrocute them.
We have electricity now.
We just need to lure that thing
to the big water thing
in front of the Lincoln statue thing.
How are we supposed to do that?
[Axatrax sighs]
It will be looking for its mother.
Are you kidding me?
No! The main guy gets those lines!
It's not too late.
Say something awesome, Matty.
Well, buckaroos,
looks like monsters are the food
and humans are the teeth today, everybody.
[Dr. Braun and Simon groan]
- [Dave panting]
- [growls]
- David, you stop PCPing this instant.
- [sniffs]
But this is my last chance.
Okay, just let me do, like,
one more pound.
After this,
I'm never gonna have a second to myself!
David J. Fudgesniffer,
you may be an actual
honest-to-God prophet,
and politically, that is huge.
Look, you seem like a nice guy, but
[yells]
I think the drugs are kicking in.
Just think of all the good
we could do together.
I could finally make it a law
to stand during the national anthem
and to kneel at all other times.
I mean, those people
will listen to anything you say.
You're like a god to them.
No.
And maybe this is the PCP talking, but
[roars]
- I am God!
- [discord roars]
And I'm the only one
who can stop that thing
with my God powers!
- [yelps] Crash!
- [LaMarr sighs]
[menacing music playing]
[discord growls]
[roars]
[Axatrax] Oh, snoogums.
[growls softly]
Come to Mommy.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [roars]
Andiamo.
[Vance] Eufie and I went to Italy once.
We were on the wrong side of the bus
for the Amalfi Coast.
[roars]
[Dr. Braun and Simon panting]
[Matty laughs] We knew you two
couldn't run all the way.
My arches collapsed
from childhood obesity. [yelps]
[roars]
Are you doing this?
Doing what?
We're falling!
- [Vance] No!
- [loud thud]
- [dramatic music continues]
- [growling]
[snarls]
Mommy's over here, baby.
And so is his friend, Vance Barry.
[roars]
Put it in, Matty.
We gotta get the tip wet.
[chuckles] Dude, listen to yourself.
How can I pass that up?
- Then just say, "That's what she said."
- That's what she said. [grunts]
[growls]
"It's not long enough,"
that's what she said.
- [growls]
- [dramatic music plays]
[roars]
I blame myself.
I am sorry, Vance Barry.
[Vance] Okay, thanks. Bye.
[growls]
Huh. So this is how I die.
Take that, old gypsy I hit with my car.
I am your God,
and I will destroy you with my lightning!
- [electric crackling]
- [grunting]
Ah! I'm dead.
[gulps, growls softly]
Well, that was never going to work.
[roars]
[coughs]
[growls]
[grunting] This isn't my head!
Who put this head on my body?!
I gotta get it off!
I gotta find my real head!
The post office took my head!
[growls]
[Lucy yelps]
[in English] Oh my gosh.
Uh, this tastes great!
Like cream soda.
To me, it tastes like Sam Adams.
I think it's just
whatever your favorite beverage is.
[LaMarr] Well, well, well.
I guess that's why
they call it angel dust.
[all chuckle]
Thank you, that was generous.
But Prophet Dave is dead.
I think you mean Saint Dave.
Y'all needed a better message.
Well, now you have it.
Saint Dave of Lafayette Square
died for us.
We might have to change some church names.
I know a great chiseler.
Hey, we did it.
Kind of.
I mean,
we are pretty good together, right?
Yeah, we are.
When we're fighting aliens.
Sure. That's what I meant too.
[Jeremy] Oh bother.
Bother me sideways.
Did I miss all the fun?
Oh yeah, too bad.
We really could have used someone
to tell the monster what fork to use.
Fork? No, it's after 11.
The consommé hour.
Lucille, a moment?
It's short for Luceline, but sure.
Is it?
Hey, guy, can you believe
I was actually jealous of that wuss?
[chuckles] Oh yeah. That's, uh
[inhales] Cool, I gotta go.
Uh, my kids need me.
Oh, wait, they probably definitely do.
I just wanted to let you know
that not being eaten by a space dragon
was the second-best thing
to happen to me today.
Really? What was the first?
Oh.
I knew you could do it.
I didn't run away here or in Vietnam.
Now let me get a picture
of the happy couple.
What?
Oh, you mean me and Matty. Obvs.
Duty calls.
[Matty chuckling]
- Did you hear that?
- Yes, Matty.
The king said "doody."
She gets it.
- [heroic music plays]
- [camera shutter clicks]
[Bishop Lee] And lo,
when Saint Dave was eaten by Satan,
Jesus was like,
"You saved Easter. Thanks, Dave."
[congregation] Thanks, Dave!
[liturgical music playing]
Dave has died ♪
Christ is risen ♪
Dave and Christ were friends ♪
That's what Dave told LaMarr ♪
Friendship is magic
And Jesus is friendship ♪
So Jesus is magic ♪
Happy Dave-mas, everyone ♪
Happy Dave-mas!
Is it just me,
or did Christianity get weirder?
- Yeah, and that's coming from you.
- [chuckles]
[choir] Thank you, PCP! ♪
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]