Murphy Brown s01e07 Episode Script

Murph.
Murph! What are you doing? Sure.
Call attention to it.
Give me that.
- What the hell is going on with you? - There's nothing going on with me.
It's an ugly lamp.
Murph, you've been doing so great lately.
You're not gonna blow it now, are you? I know.
I've been doing great, but then today happened.
This has been a very strange day, Frank.
- Very strange.
- Come on, talk to me.
I've been out of Betty Ford for a month, right? And it's been going okay.
Terrific, as a matter of fact.
I don't know, though.
Today Today is different.
I don't know why, but I've got this strong urge to walk across the street to Phil's order a Scotch and soda, smoke an entire carton of cigarettes and listen to Little Peggy March sing "I Will Follow Him.
" Hang on, Murph.
You don't wanna slip back to the old you, do you? Remember two months ago, the Mother Teresa interview? I was so hard on the woman.
I've just gotta get through this day.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Corky.
I just had the most wonderful walk through the leaves of the Jefferson Memorial.
The sun was reflecting on the Potomac and all the little squirrels were chirping and playing and gathering their nuts for the winter.
Isn't it just the most perfect day you could ever imagine? I ran over a squirrel on my way to work this morning.
Oh, God.
I'll be in my office.
Murph, listen to me.
You are not alone.
You've got friends here to help you.
- Who needs help? - Murphy.
What's the problem, slugger? I wanna smoke and drink a lot.
- Don't do it.
- Okay.
There you go.
See you on the set.
Maybe if I just keep my mind on my work, it'll be okay.
- Right.
- Lf I can just make it to the broadcast.
- I really love the broadcast, Frank.
- I know.
I love my desk and all the cameras.
- I love my chair.
- I know.
My favorite part is when that guy comes and puts those little microphones on our lapels.
- You feel better now? - Oh, yeah.
Bad news, guys.
The show's been canceled.
Only kidding! That's the second time she's tried to kill me today.
I'm sorry I thought Smokey Robinson was a forest ranger.
I apologize, Miles.
I've just been a little on edge lately.
I guess so.
Your secretary is making a piñata with your face on it.
Listen, Murph, I've gotta finish my copy for tonight's show.
Just remember what I said, okay? One hour at a time.
Okay.
Thanks.
So I have good news.
- Diane Sawyer's missing? - Better.
Since I've been an executive producer of this show, we've gone up one full rating point.
Must have been the piece on "Nuns After Dark" that did it.
You know, Murphy, there are some things you don't know about me yet.
You're my boss, and you're the same age as Amy Carter.
You don't know that underneath this tough façade there's a very insecure human being.
I really wanna keep my job.
So it's important I do what I can to keep the viewership growing.
Make your point, Miles.
I thought your piece on prison conditions was a little downbeat.
How about a visit to the bra museum at Frederick's of Hollywood? I love it, I got you again.
We will have a good relationship.
Going live, people.
In five, four, three Good evening, and welcome to FYI.
For your information tonight, Frank Fontana takes us on a terrifying journey through our country's busiest airport as he asks, "How Safe Are Our Skies?" Corky Sherwood shows us the far-reaching effects of a corporate miscalculation: "Halston: Why the Dream Died.
" First, Murphy Brown takes us to a place many of us have never seen before: The inner recesses of a nuclear power plant.
That's right, Jim.
Last week I visited the Coral Canyon nuclear power facility and what I found may shock you.
It began with the plant manager who It began with the plant manager, who took us on a tour of a facility that Only Hi.
Hi.
Would you mind stepping away from our cameras, sir? This is a live broadcast.
I will in a minute.
As soon as you read this statement on the air.
I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I can't read any personal statements on the air.
Well, maybe this will change your mind.
Cut the cameras! Rolling cameras.
Cameras are rolling.
Now, l I don't wanna scare anybody.
I just want her to read this statement on the air.
It's short and neatly typed.
We haven't formally met.
Murphy Brown.
Oh, I know.
Henry Tucker.
I have a funny feeling, Henry, that you don't really wanna do this.
That you got yourself involved, and you're sorry, and you're hoping that somehow there'll be a way out.
Isn't that right, Henry? No.
Hey! What do you think you're doing? Well, I was gonna slowly drop down under the desk crawl quietly along the floor, grab your ankles throw you off balance and grab the gun.
What are you, some kind of lunatic? I took a shot.
All right, nobody do stuff like that, all right? No security guards or police or anybody in here, understand? May I remind everyone, millions of people are watching.
The ball's in your court, Henry.
Hello.
I'm Henry Tucker.
A gunman.
And these are my hostages this evening.
Frank Fontana, Jim Dial, Corky Sherwood and Murphy Brown.
I'm sorry to be interrupting your regular programming but this is kind of important to me.
You see, I'm not used to doing this sort of thing every day.
I do have a job.
I'm a district sales manager for the Green Grass Corporation.
Perhaps you're familiar with some of our products.
We make sprinkler heads, lawn mowers, green Speed it up, Henry.
America's switching to thirtysomething.
Right.
So as soon as Ms.
Brown reads the statement I've prepared I'll leave and you can go back to your show.
I told you, Henry, I don't do that kind of thing.
If we journalists gave in to everybody with some cause to promote then newsrooms everywhere would be filled with terrorists.
We have a certain code of ethics to maintain and that code of ethics is something all journalists believe in very strongly.
- Isn't that right, guys? - Read the statement! You heard her.
Forget it, Henry.
It's a losing battle.
Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion and I think you know what I'm talking about that that's not a real gun.
Oh, that's just great! On top of everything else, I'm poorly lit! I think we better go into a commercial.
In five, four, three Hi.
We're back.
Wrong camera, Henry.
Henry.
Hey, Henry.
How about we have a little talk.
Just you and me.
What do you say? Okay.
But don't do anything we'll both be sorry about, okay? There may be many of you at home wondering why I'm not wearing any pants.
I guess I'm just that kind of guy.
No, seriously, I have a tennis game right after the show.
Honestly, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this.
- I mean, I do have the pants - Frank.
Right.
So, Henry a little one-on-one here, huh? Guy to guy.
You're one of my favorites on the show.
Really? Yeah.
It was great that time you went into the drug bust and cops and bullets were flying everywhere.
And then that time you suited up in the diving gear and they lowered you in the cage onto that reef with the great white.
- Couple of tense moments there, huh? - I'll say.
So listen to me, Henry.
I want you to make a mind picture now.
Just you and me.
We blow this pop stand.
We go find ourselves some great little joint where the beer is cold and the steaks are thick.
We talk a little, we have a few laughs then we pick up my pals Sheila and DeeDee and we do this town like it's never been done before.
Come on.
What do you say? Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? Are you wearing a? Yeah, there's the little seam.
I can't believe it.
It's a toupee.
Why don't you just shoot me? Okay, people.
Listen up.
I've got something to say.
- I really want a cigarette.
- Oh, Murph, would you cut it out? Come on, now.
I'm serious.
I know that somewhere in this studio, there's a person with a cigarette for me.
You know it's not just my style to give up, but this has been a really bad day.
I'm willing to pay 50 bucks.
- Murphy, it's not worth it.
Listen to me - Wait a minute! She wouldn't be asking if she didn't really need it.
I feel her pain.
Oh, bless you, Carl.
I'll never forget this.
You're a hell of a woman, Murphy Brown.
- Thanks, Carl.
- I love you deeply.
Come on! I'm glad I'm finally letting my true feelings come out.
Murphy if we ever get out of this thing alive I want you to be my woman.
I may not smoke it right away, Carl.
Hey, kid! What are you doing on the phone? It's the network.
You're not gonna believe this.
The ratings are going through the roof.
It's incredible.
The Nielsen hall of fame.
Cosby, eat my dust! So let's not get lazy here.
Remember, the man's a maniac, the gun is loaded, we're all going to die.
Go.
You know, I'm getting impatient.
If she doesn't read my statement in 13 minutes, I'm going to do something drastic.
- Guys, I think it's time for a huddle.
- Right, right.
- What are you doing? - We're just talking.
- About me? - No.
Fellas, could you shoot over there for a minute? Okay, guys, we need a plan.
Anybody have any ideas? Look, there's five of us and one of him.
I say we rush him.
I mean, how fast could he shoot? Chances are, he'll only get one of us.
New plan.
Well, I'm not going to wait around for anybody else to save me.
Sometimes a woman has to do what a woman has to do.
We're dead.
Henry, I've been dying to ask you are you married? No, I'm not.
Well, who said all the good ones were taken? I'm not married either.
I'm a beauty queen, you know.
Miss America.
You know, it's not my nature to be this forward, Henry.
But there's something about you.
Something dangerous.
It's the gun.
No, no, something else.
I'm drawn to you, Henry.
Come on.
Put away that gun, and I promise you a night to remember.
All right, I'll wear the crown and sash if you want.
I don't know how to say this, Miss Sherwood but I don't feel about you the way you feel about me.
I open myself up to you I allow myself to be vulnerable, and you wipe your feet on me! Well, here's a news flash, buster! You've got a green thing stuck between your teeth, and it's been there all night! What's with the accent? I'm from Louisiana! It comes out when I'm upset! Have you got a problem with that?! We're dog food.
Stop it! Stop it! What is this, some kind of torture thing? All right, now.
Let's use some reason here.
It's time to put feelings and emotions aside.
Jim! Jim! Jim! Okay.
Settle down now.
Henry, there are no winners in this game you're playing.
- You understand that, don't you? - Oh, shut up.
It's like a war, Henry.
It all has to end sometime, but at what cost? - Eat dirt.
- I've covered wars in my career.
I've been in the trenches, but there are still some people who think that all I do is put on an expensive suit, a voice, and read news off a TelePrompTer.
I'll tell you something.
Rather, Brokaw, Jennings we've earned our place behind that anchor desk.
Oh, yes, the medium is changing.
I admit that.
Now we've got shows like Geraldo, where they have a budget for ski masks.
Used to be different, Henry.
I could tell you a story about my first days in Korea as a cub reporter.
It was cold at the Yalu River.
Damn cold.
And then one day you wake up, and 30 years have passed.
And you start to find that dust in the sheets in the morning.
You know what that dust is, Henry? It's little pieces of you that died in the night while you weren't looking.
Oh, this is depressing.
This is the most depressing night I've ever spent in my life.
Okay.
If she doesn't read this statement I'm gonna blow her away! Okay, him.
You know, Henry, you're really starting to annoy me.
- Me too.
- You're way past my deadline.
I've lost my patience.
I'm really getting What's that word? - Agitated.
- Thanks.
Now, I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna snap! Murphy, I want you to read the man's statement.
I've gotta smoke this thing.
Who's got a match? I mean it, Murphy! I'm making an executive decision.
This has gone on long enough.
For the safety of all those involved here, read the statement.
- Miles.
- Murphy as your superior, I am ordering you to read the statement.
You're not one of us, Miles.
You don't have the right stuff.
Give me the damn statement, Henry.
"There is a problem in America.
Some of you choose to ignore it, and so it goes unsolved.
Passed on to future generations, to our children and our children's children.
It is time to stand up and join together and put an end to a national disgrace.
I'm talking about people who drive slow in the fast lane.
You know who you are.
You never look in your rearview mirror.
And if you did, you couldn't see anything because there's too much dry cleaning hanging in the back seat.
You have those little magnetic coffee mugs on your dashboard and an 'I'd Rather Be Golfing' sticker on your bumper.
Didn't you take the same driving test the rest of us did? The left lane is for passing only.
Well, you've driven us crazy long enough.
We're mad and we're going to get even.
We're going to cut you off and slow down to 45 and see how you like it.
We're going to make your lives miserable.
And that's a promise.
" Thank you.
Let's hope it does some good.
I'm going to turn myself in.
I'll be disappointed if there's not a SWAT team outside that door.
You won't be disappointed.
And this has been another edition of FYI.
Good night.
That's a wrap.
Good work, people.
What do you say we get out of here.
Go someplace we can be ourselves, huh? I'm giving this back to you, Carl.
Life is bittersweet, isn't it? I'm not gonna give up.
Well I guess he got what he wanted, didn't he? And so did you.
Boy, I bet those ratings made history.
I wish.
After the guy stepped on the stage, I called master control and had them go to black.
Wait a minute.
The Nielsen hall of fame? I made it up.
I didn't know what kind of person we were dealing with.
So for everyone's safety, I let him think he was getting what he wanted.
Miles, I'm really impressed.
- Really? - Really.
- Do I get a hug too? - Let's not push the envelope, okay? - Right.
- Oh, what the hell.
in this wonderful day.
You gonna be all right? No stops on the way home? If I could get through that, I could get through anything.
What about you? I was this close to beating that first episode of Roots.
You know, Miles, there's always next week.
I've been working on an idea: "Nymphomania: Compulsive Behavior or Just Plain Fun?" Gotcha! And that's why you're not married.
What is this?! What is this?! There's a scaffold in my living room! And what are you doing here at a quarter to 12 painting walls I didn't ask you to paint?! Well, that's a real nice how-do-you-do.
Here I am, taking on added responsibilities.
I'm extending myself.
Eldin! I hired you to paint my kitchen.
It's a three-day job.
You've been here three weeks.
I'm an artist.
I see things.
Like this wall.
It was all wrong.
Florentine Sienna.
Wait, look over there.
Now look.
Big improvement.
Am I right? Come on.
I'm right.
I'm right, aren't I? - Yes.
- Yes! Yes! Fifteen minutes.
Fifteen minutes more, and this rotten day is over.
You think you had a bad day? I go to the paint store, I ask them: "Mix me equal parts Burmese Gold and Scarab Green.
" You know what they do? They mix me two parts Scarab Green and one part Burmese Gold.
People don't take pride in their work anymore.
It all started with turkey roll.