S#*! My Dad Says s01e07 Episode Script

Typewriter? Really? Must accidentally set my time machine back in 1955.
Maybe you can set it back to 1983.
And hand me a condom.
Oh, by the way, Henry, you got a phone call - from some girl Donna.
- What did she want? Well, she thinks she may have lost her self-esteem when she was with you and wondered if you found it.
How the hell do I know what she wants? This is her number.
It's right there.
Thanks, dad.
But I think I'm done with Donna.
- Oh, too good for Donna now.
- You don't even know Donna! Well, I know she can dial a phone and has a pulse.
That's exactly your league.
I'm 27, dad.
I feel like I should be with someone a little wilder right now, you know? Donna works at a paint store.
Her area of expertise is beige.
Honestly, Donna may be the most boring person I have ever met.
You should meet my son Henry.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Vince and Bonnie.
- Vince and Bonnie who? - What what What are you doing? I'm sorry.
I thought we were doing a bit.
Why would we be doing a bit? We're just coming I'm just trying to start the day with some fun.
Oh, I'm Vince [overlapping arguing.]
Hey, hey, Abbott and Costello.
What do you want? Uh, well, pop, we were wondering if you would like to come over for dinner tonight.
Oh, well, I'll think about it.
Well, I mean, we've been in our new place a year, and you've never come over, and it's only two blocks away, so - I'll think about that.
- You know, and we just finished the new remodel, and I did it all by myself.
- Yeah, I'll think about that.
- Yeah, but, pop, every week, you say you're gonna think about it, and then every week, you don't come over, so Well, that's something to think about, isn't it? There is no call that is too cold.
There is no property that can't be sold.
I was put on this earth for one reason and one reason only.
So that one day I would make the biggest commission in San Diego history.
Both: Today is that day.
Have you ever been so mad at a meter maid that you chased him down the street just to punch him in the back? No.
Who does that? [scoffs.]
No one.
Um, Katie, you remember that la Jolla listing you gave me? I think I can get the price down to 1.
8 if I get a buyer in the next 48 hours.
Can I get a "what-what"? Uh, no-no.
I'm taking the property back.
- What? - What? - I changed my mind.
- Why? [door slams.]
- because you're the devil .
Can you believe that? That la Jolla listing was, like, half of my commission for the year.
I can't believe her.
God, just listen to her.
Do you hear the way she talks? No lady should talk like that.
It really chafes my balls.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Here are our keys.
Root beer's leash is under the sink, and there's some little baggies for his poo.
He's surprisingly prolific for a little fella, so you're gonna want to bring a lot of baggies.
A lot of baggies.
By the way, why do I have to watch root beer all day? I have an article due at the end of the week, and dad's just sitting at home, on his typewriter, writing hate mail to Eleanor Roosevelt.
Well, we would ask dad to watch root beer, but But your father doesn't do anything nice for Vince.
Okay, Bonnie, that's not true.
Look, I'm sure if we asked dad to watch the dog He would say he'd think about it, which means he's not gonna do it, just like he's not coming over for dinner tonight.
Uh, bon-bon, he's coming over for dinner.
Wait, let me get something straight here.
You're upset because dad's not coming to your house.
That's like being pissed that your wife's ass is too perfect.
Henry, let's not drag my ass into this.
Someone took one of my Dr.
Peppers.
I'm not pointing any fingers, but I want it replaced.
Who are you? Henry, this is, uh, Katie, our boss.
She's our branch manager.
And this is Henry, my brother-in-law, who was just leaving.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, you're Katie.
Why? What did they say about me? Oh, they said They said you are great.
Well, I think they're great.
In fact, I was just coming out here to give them back this choice listing.
- What? - What? So is there a Mrs.
Henry? Well, my dad calls me Mrs.
Henry.
But I'm not married.
Well, I hope you won't think I'm too forward if I ask you if you're eligible, and by eligible I mean, are you banging anyone? Whoa.
Whoa.
You're kind of wild, huh? You like that? I think I do.
You know, just today I was saying I want to meet someone who has a little bit of an edge.
Well, I am all corners.
All right.
Well, I'm gonna go let the bulldog out for a little run.
[laughs.]
I know exactly what you mean by that.
No, I meant I'm gonna go take their dog for a walk.
Oh, hilarious.
Okay.
Here's the deal you want that listing, you get that man-boy back here in my office by 8:00 for dinner.
And he's dinner.
Root beer, shake.
- Come on, shake.
- What the hell are you doing? Give him the damn treat.
I don't make you do stupid crap when I feed you.
I'm trying to teach him something.
Well, he's a dog.
He doesn't need to know tricks.
He sleeps and licks his junk.
He should be teaching us tricks.
By the way, another girl called you - Katie.
- Oh-ho-ho, Katie.
This is Vince and Bonnie's boss.
I'm going out with her tonight so they can get a good listing, but she's good-looking, and she seems crazy, and you know what they say about crazy chicks.
You got to shoot 'em in the head, or they won't die.
That's zombies.
Maybe.
[cell phone chimes.]
Oh, crap, my editor.
They're cutting my article by 400 words.
They want me to come in right now and redo it.
Uh, do you mind watching the dog? I'm not babysitting Vince and Bonnie's damn dog.
Okay, if you're not gonna help me out, I need to figure out something to do.
Let me think.
Let me think.
Let me think.
Let me think.
Okay, okay, I know how this is gonna work out.
[door closes.]
He's not coming back.
He learned that from me.
I did that to my first wife.
Don't stick your jaw out at me.
You think you're cute, huh? Doesn't work on me.
I laughed at the end of old yeller.
That cute stuff may work on other people, but not me.
hush, little baby, don't say a word daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird and if that mockingbird don't sing daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring and if that diamond ring don't shine [mutters.]
and the home of the brave .
Okay, root beer, time to go, buddy.
What are you doing? This isn't one of your dates.
You don't jump on him the moment he falls asleep.
I'm taking root beer back to Vince and Bonnie's house.
Then I'm going to meet Katie at the office.
Why don't you leave him here? 'Cause he's not our dog.
But he's happy here.
He's happy anywhere.
He's a dog.
He just sleeps and licks his junk.
That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard.
That's what you said.
I did? That's funny.
Either way, I'm taking this dog to Vince and Bonnie's.
All right, come here, root beer.
Come here, buddy.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
You're leaving without saying good-bye? Sorry.
Bye, pop.
Not you, dumbass.
Root beer, root beer, I "ruv" you.
Honey, why are you setting a place for Henry? He's having dinner with Katie tonight.
I'm setting it for my dad.
Don't do this to yourself this week.
Your dad's not coming.
Bonnie, he's coming this time, okay? - I just know it.
- Yeah, just like when you leave cookies out for Santa.
Okay, they get eaten.
- By you.
- You don't know that.
Look, I just know he's gonna make it this week, okay? Tell you what, I'll bet you.
Fine.
What do you want to bet? - The usual.
- You're on.
[doorbell rings.]
Who is it? - Ed.
- All right.
But no saying "yee-haw" and no calling your friends while it's happening.
- There's my boy.
- Hey, dad.
Oh, how's my favorite fella? I just I missed you, sweetheart.
How are you? And Vince made these cabinets by hand.
Assembled I assembled them by hand With an allen wrench, you know.
Hey, you ever wondered who that Allen is, huh? You ever wonder about that? I don't know.
- That's funny.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
Root beer He's holding the bowl while he drinks with his left paw.
You know what? Let's put the dog away - while we have dinner tonight.
- Oh, no, don't do that.
I-I-I'm okay with the dog - It's the first time.
You've been here in a year, and your son's been waiting for you, - so I think it's best.
- No, Vince is all right if the dog's out during dinner, aren't you, Vince? You know what? The dog's in the crate.
The dog's in the crate.
So we're done.
Let's sit down.
Sit down.
Come on.
We're gonna have a nice family meal, just the just the humans.
Ah, so, pop, It's your first time here what do you think, huh? It's a great location.
You know what? We have a view of a place that has a view of the ocean.
Yeah.
You know, I'm worried about root beer in that crate.
Those crates aren't made for dogs.
Well, it's called a dog crate, so, mm.
Um, pop, can I ask you something? Why are you so crazy about this dog? I mean, no offense, it's just I've never seen you show such interest in any living thing before.
You know, I'm glad you asked me that, 'cause I was thinking about that same thing myself on my way over here.
- And guess what.
- What? I had a breakthrough.
It was exhilarating.
I'm listening.
Well, I realized that my feelings for root beer.
Are not about root beer.
I think I'm trying to make up for, uh, lost time with someone else.
You hear that, bon? Go on, dad.
And, you know, when I was younger, there was a special little guy that needed me.
It's true.
There was.
And where was I? Not there.
I was working long hours at the hospital.
Yeah, I remember that.
I was stern when I should have been gentle.
I was absent when I should have been present.
And I couldn't give him what he needed.
And, um Now it's too late to tell him.
Oh, dad, it's never too late.
Come on Tell me.
What is it you want to say to me? You? I was talking about Schwarzkopf.
You were talking about your old dog? Yeah.
I wish I'd been a better dad to him.
[gasps.]
But you can't go back.
So Whoo! Thanks for the, uh, visit.
Uh, dad, you're leaving already? - I mean, you just got here.
- Yeah, I'm tired.
That breakthrough took the wind out of me.
[door closes.]
Hello? Katie? Looking for me? Hey.
There you are.
So I made this reservation at a really cool You're late.
You're gonna pay for that.
Well, I was planning on paying for everything.
0% interest for the first six months.
I hope you're in the mood for italian.
I hope you're in the mood for irish.
I was gonna wear the same outfit.
Hmm.
What is going on? You said you liked it wild, right? - Did I? - Yeah.
Oh-ho, 'cause I meant mild.
You know, like girls gone mild on PBS.
Shut your stupid, pretty mouth, or I will shut it for you.
Please be careful with me.
I have to get up in the morning.
Why? Do you work? No.
I just really want to wake up in the morning.
What the hell is wrong with you? I'm making a sandwich.
You didn't feed me.
I'm hungry.
Do you know how long Vince looked forward - to you coming over? - So I came over.
But you didn't come over to see Vince.
You came over to see the dog.
Well, I had a breakthrough.
The breakthrough had nothing to do with Schwarzkopf.
- Of course it did.
- Think about it.
All that stuff you said about Schwarzkopf, that you were neglectful, that you wished you'd been a better parent, who do you think you were really talking about? Schwarzkopf! Go deeper.
[deep voice.]
Schwarzkopf.
Answer me this.
When you lay down at night in your bed, before you take out your heart and put it in its jar, do you ever have any remorse about the way you treated Vince when he was a kid? Not at all.
Vince is fine.
Vince is not fine.
Yes, he is.
Both my boys are fine.
Here's your listing.
[spits.]
There's my tooth.
What the hell happened to you? I went on a date with her crazy-ass boss.
Well, you said you said you wanted someone crazy.
Yeah Playboy mansion crazy, not bates motel crazy.
Hold on.
What are you talking about? She did something so profound and so disturbing to me that it would make german pornographers blush.
Ouch.
"Ouch" would be the word.
Unfortunately, not the safe word.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry in the shower.
At least Vince is fine.
No, Ed, he isn't.
He's still hanging on to this vague hope that maybe one day you'll be as interested in him as you are in our dog.
Oh, you're being dramatic.
Am I? Think about your day with root beer.
You showered him with affection.
You told him how proud you were of him.
Henry even said that you were bouncing him on your knee singing him a lullaby.
Did you ever do any of that for Vince? I bounced Vince on my knee once when he was three.
Broke my fibula.
It wouldn't have cost you anything to sing Vince a lullaby.
Dad You're a doctor.
I'm gonna need you to come look at something.
Who is Xena, warrior princess? The correct answer who is Golda Meir? Damn it.
[knock at door.]
- Vince.
- Dog's not here.
Didn't come for the dog.
Is he okay? He's fine.
He's out for a walk with Bonnie.
Ah.
So your wife said we should bond.
I don't want you to do it just 'cause my wife told you to.
- Okay, then I'm out of here.
- No, dad, you know what? I'll take it.
Okay? I'll take it.
Okay.
What are we gonna bond about? I don't know.
I mean, there's so much.
Where do you start? Look, dad, um I think this might have been a bad idea.
I mean, I've had all these expectations abbout you coming over here for the first time.
- Vince.
- What? Put your head on my shoulder.
Dad, what are you doing? Put your giant head on my damn shoulder.
All right, fine, but this is weird.
hush, little baby, don't say a word I see what you're going for, dad, but I'm pushing 40 and daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird .
And I really don't think that a lull and if that mockingbird don't sing [yawns.]
[humming.]
What's going on? Shh.
He just went down.
Wait, so, Donna You're telling me there is no such thing as pure white paint? Well, white is a misnomer.
What you're probably talking about is an ecru, eggshell, pearl, bone, Navajo.
This is fascinating.
What's really fascinating is that it goes on white, but when you watch it dry, it changes hue.
[giggles.]
So Your job is to watch paint dry? It's not so much a job as it is a passion.
I'm totally into this.
Uh Let's just take it a little slow.
Let's.