My Family (2000) s01e07 Episode Script

- What's this? - It's for Oxfam.
We're getting rid of stuff we don't need.
- Would they take Nick? - No, they've suffered enough.
Did someone actually wear this? Well, it's from the '70s.
It was a different time then.
People were hip, wild and Colour-blind? Do you have anything to contribute? - Can I get some new clothes? - No.
Sorry.
Thatcher's children.
- What's this? - We need more wardrobe space.
I'm donating some of our clothes to Oxfam.
Some of our clothes? Susan, these are all my clothes.
- Some of my clothes are here.
- Where? Ah! Here.
You're not going to throw that away, surely(?) Oh, maybe you're right.
And what's this? I haven't worn this.
- Are you going to? - No, it's ugly.
And, Susan, what is this? A terrible, terrible mistake.
I love this.
You haven't worn it in 25 years.
It'll come back in.
There'll be a snowman in hell first.
Well, I'll need this then.
You can't throw away my lucky tie! When did you last wear it? Our wedding! Get rid of everything we haven't worn for at least five years.
Oh, really? Susan, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Yes, but I just hate that one.
- I love this shirt.
- Look, it's got holes, there's no buttons, it's frayed.
How much will Oxfam get for this? - 40, 50p.
- OK.
All right, here's a pound.
And I'll take these while I'm at it.
All set for a night out then(!) Look at all this cool gear! You see, Susan, this is not junk, this is cool gear.
- Go on, Nick, help yourself.
- Really? Cool.
Cheers.
Hello, new girl, what's your name? H-Hello? Sorry, am I dead? Did I disappear? I'm just setting up surgery, Mr H.
We are set up - here are the instruments, here's the patient, we're under starter's orders and suction! No, I'm setting up harmonically, aligning the vibrations of this room with Mother Nature.
I'm sorry? (Whale song) Sorry, er, what is this? The song of the humpback whale.
I don't care if it's the song of the lonely goatherd, turn it off.
It's relaxing.
This is a dental surgery, you're not meant to be relaxed.
How about the song of the narwhal? - (Groaning) - No.
No, no, no.
- The sea lion? - No, no sea lion.
- Oh, African tree frog! - No! No, just turn it off.
Right, I'm sorry, Mr Lewis.
(Mimics whale song squeal) Would you get out, Brigitte, please? Have a plankton break, go on.
No wonder the last girl left.
You're very hostile, you know.
She didn't leave, I killed her.
Figure of speech, Mr Lewis.
Take a rinse, please.
- Hi.
How's the new girl? - Trained at SeaWorld.
Has the garage finished with the car? No, and - one minute, Mr Lewis - they want to know how we drove it without a brake pedal.
The pedal's in the back seat.
When your son tinkers with the car, one, he should warn people, and two, if he finds a brake pedal left over he should assume it's not finished.
Why is it when Nick annoys you, he's my son and when he does something you're proud of, he's No, that's never happened.
Good film, innit? You say that to show them you're interested in their opinions, while all the time Now watch this move.
You've got to do it slowly.
(Sniffs, clears throat) Oh! Sorry, hand slipped.
Thought you fancied me.
Oh! Stop it! This is important! It's my first date with a girl.
I'm bound to do something pants.
God, I don't even know the rules! Ah.
These are the noughties - there aren't any.
Boys have all the responsibility.
Girls have an easy time of it.
They can go as far as they want and then say, "Stop".
OK, that's the one rule.
The guy's obliged to stop if a girl tells him.
But what if she doesn't say stop? What then? Just a quick "Thank you, God," would do it.
Now you try.
No, get off! She's mine! Find your own.
Ugh, no, not him - that's a bloke! Grab her twin sister, she's lovely.
Cool, cool, play it cool.
Surf it, smooth.
I feel like a total prat! Hey, look at this, I fixed dad's chair.
- It wasn't broken.
- Anyone can fix broken stuff.
It takes a genius to fix something that works.
Hello! What are you doing? - He fixed dad's chair.
- It doesn't squeak now.
I thought Dad said never to touch anything of his again? Not never touch anything of his.
No, he said never touch anything - at all.
That's just parents.
You know what they're like - blah blah blah blah blah - they don't really mean what they say.
No one can be that uptight.
"You drank milk from the bottle? My life is ruined!" Besides, if I'm going for that part-time job at Twin Exhaust, I've got to practise my skills, haven't I? My whole Zen ninja mechanic thing.
You have a ninja mechanic thing? - You drank milk from the bottle? - Yeah.
The Zen ninja has incredible focus, he doesn't have to know what he's doing.
It's all instinct.
Did you pour it from a distance or did you dribble it back? Both! Between my innate ability to size up any mechanical problem, plus the mature look that comes with the moustache the job is mine.
- What moustache? I've been growing it all week.
- You can't see it.
- What? Well, what if I do this? Tilt your head to catch the light.
Down a bit.
- Yes, that's you! - Thanks.
Hello, Mum! Don't mock the afflicted, it's not nice.
Fetch the rest of the shopping from the car.
- I'm not allowed to touch the car.
- Michael will open the door.
Mummy, let me help you.
Thank you, whatever you're up to.
- Do I have to be up to something? - I don't care, keep helping! You know, erm, Prada's having a once-in-a-lifetime sale? You said, last week.
Ahh, the art of slow cooking.
You whip something up in the morning, pop it in the oven and when you get home, there it is - Whatever it is.
- That looks disgusting.
The word "disgusting" does not belong in a kitchen.
It looks interesting and tastes as interesting as it looks.
Maybe it needs pepper.
Maybe it needs binning? If you're trying to butter me up it's not working.
No, but there are a pair of jeans at Prada that I would look brilliant in.
We'll add pineapple chunks and call it Hawaiian Surprise.
- You're not even listening.
- I am.
I'm just not agreeing.
These are a L100 pair of jeans marked down to less than a hundred.
I've got the money Grandma gave me.
That's for college.
We agreed.
We didn't agree, you agreed.
And I can't do any more, can I? Mum, I'll need jeans at college! So buy them at college, it's something to look forward to.
- You are so unreasonable.
- That's my job.
- I wish I was dead! - Janey! How can you say that? I wish I were dead - the subjunctive! Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans.
Hi! Bye.
What's her problem? Don't tell me she wants a nose ring.
She wants a tattoo.
She wants a cold sore because all her friends have got one.
- Don't be sarcastic.
- I'm too tired to be sarcastic.
- Mrs Newland rang.
- My God Why can't that woman ring during office hours? She says you never return her calls.
- Because she's evil.
- She's not.
She keeps losing her dentures and has me make new ones.
- That is your job.
- That's not the point.
How can you lose six pairs of dentures? They're in your mouth or in a glass.
Unless she drank them you cannot lose six pairs of dentures.
Well, the poor dear didn't lose them this time.
They broke when someone sat on them.
I hope she wasn't wearing them at the time.
That image has just ruined my entire evening.
Oh, God, Susan, why, why, why did I become a dentist? No one respects you, no one slaps you on the back and says, "Great bridgework, mate.
" Everyone avoids you at parties because they associate you with pain.
Oh, Ben, that's not dentistry, that's you.
I associate you with pleasure.
I tell you, sometimes I think things couldn't get worse.
- Look on the bright side.
- That is the bright side.
- Things can get worse.
- Hey.
I rest my case.
Either you bought a broken bottle or it broke when I dropped the bag.
In the sink, not on the table! Hey, Dad, guess what.
You've found a job and you're moving out? (Laughs) He's such a joker! Dad's such a joker! No, I've fixed your chair.
- You've what? - It wasn't broken.
- I got rid of the squeak.
- You got rid of? I like the squeak.
I love the squeak! I-I sit in my chair, I hear my squeak and it reminds me I'm not quite dead.
- He's in a mood.
- It's not a mood, it's life.
Just leave things alone, Nick, please.
If it's broken, don't fix it.
If it's lying there, don't pick it up.
If it's dripping, don't let it flood, but Nick, don't touch anything any more! Dad! Relax, man, I'll put the squeak back.
He's mad.
What? He's just going through an awkward phase.
It's him.
Mm! (Susan) Mm-mm-mm! Is this a pineapple chunk? Yes.
The dish is called Hawaiian Surprise.
Ah, it's really, erm exotic.
You haven't touched yours, Michael.
I'm not hungry.
Actually I might go up to bed, you know, curl up with my pillow.
(Laughs) - Are you upset about something? - No.
Why? Er, is this a radish? Cos they don't have radishes in Hawaii.
(Laughs) Yes.
It is called Hawaiian Surprise.
The radish is the surprise! Surprise! Now, Michael, you know, if you have a problem, talk it out.
Because confronting a problem is half the solution, isn't it? Mm No.
No, it only makes it come back with a big mate and thump you.
- Anyone want some milk? - Not while you live here.
So, Michael, you can tell me because I'm a tour guide.
Communication is my life.
It's not the sort of thing you want to talk to your mum about.
- Has the rash come back? - Oh, please, Susan, for God's sake! He's going out with a girl.
I can't believe you! This is war! Michael, don't you dare touch my stuff! - I'm gonna kill you! - (Door slams) - (Janey) Get back here! - Well, that cleared the air.
It certainly cleared the room.
- Why do you never back me up? - Years of experience.
Sometimes you behave as if you don't like the children.
I It-lt's not a question of like or dislike, it's a question of fear.
I'm frightened of them.
Two extremes, Susan.
Either they ignore you or they turn to you for answers, which is terrifying.
If I'd've known, I never would have had sex.
Don't kid yourself.
Look, I'm sorry.
She'd get it out of you anyway.
I didn't want another list of your skin problems.
- She has to control everything.
- Not me.
Check these out.
- Aren't they great? - Not my size.
Too big in the bum.
- Did you read the sign? - It says Women Keep Out.
- Yeah.
- I'm not a woman.
So, Mikey, looking forward to going out on your date? It's not a date, it's in the afternoon and her parents are taking us.
It's a start.
A pathetically slow start.
So, what's her name? - Michelle.
- Michelle from school? The one with burger in her braces? - It was macaroni.
- You tasted it? Don't be disgusting.
I know because she's vegetarian.
I sat next to her at lunch and she talked to me.
- What did she say? - "Got a toothbrush?" Shut up! Right, listen, Michael, if you're gonna go out with a girl, first of all - wash.
OK? Boys need to realise that animal magnetism doesn't necessarily mean animal smell, OK? - Say you love her perfume.
- She doesn't wear any.
Even better, tell her she smells like I'air du temps.
- L'air du temps.
- Yeah.
- L'air du temps! - No, too much.
Sounds like you want to borrow it.
- So how much did you pay? - Nick! you're afraid to wear out?! No, I'm just respecting Mum's feelings.
- By lying to her? - Yes.
You lie all the time.
No, I always tell the truth.
That's what scares them.
I'm off to pottery class! I'm firing my urn tonight.
Beautiful, isn't it? Yes, and dinner was lovely.
- So earthy.
- So was dinner.
I think it's beautiful.
Maybe we should be buried in it.
Blend our ashes together.
You'll end up hogging most of the urn anyway.
Mum, have you got a sec? Absolutely.
Carpe diem.
Carpe all the diem you can get.
About the jeans.
I thought about what you said You're a bright young woman, it's your decision.
Thanks.
There's a pair of jeans or the respect of those who love you.
Frivolity or integrity.
A meaningless fad Mum, I've already bought them.
Something wrong? No, everything's fine, wonderful.
Good, good.
How can you sit there and eat when things are in such chaos? Strong stomach.
Honestly, Ben, I don't understand you.
I'm sitting here calmly eating my breakfast while you breathe at me like an Aberdeen Angus.
Of course you don't understand me.
You're deranged.
First of all, I am not breathing I am expressing myself subvocally.
Second, our children are in open rebellion.
- It's a phase, you said so.
- Don't I knew I would get involved somehow.
Go on.
They are in crisis because you and I are giving them crossed signals.
I haven't given them any signals.
My aim is to be the black hole of signaldom.
We've got to make more of an effort to get through to them.
This is because Janey bought those jeans.
I just haven't expressed myself properly on that yet.
But this afternoon, Michael Oh, Michael is going out with this woman.
They're both 12.
That's not the point.
Our son is crying out for guidance.
Oh, no, he's not! It's a silent cry, a mother hears.
- Then a mother must answer.
- It's silent a cry for his father.
- Sorry, don't hear anything.
- Because it's silent.
A mother hears these things, a mother must answer them.
- Father - A mother A mother Father Daddy OK, how do I know when to put my arm around her? Oh, that's simple.
Wait for the first time in the film when someone gets gored.
Or dismembered.
And when she screams and leans into you you put your arm round her and wah-hey! Hiya.
- Hi.
- OK? Am I interrupting? No.
I was just giving him some hints on the facts of life.
That's what I was afraid of.
- Nick.
- Hm? It's a book.
A film.
No, it's a film.
How many syllables? (Whispering) Get out! So, big boy, Michael (Chuckles) Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Going out with a girl, eh? Mm.
Yeah, er, well (Clears throat) Your mother thinks that we, erm, should have a little chat.
- No, I'm fine! - Good, that's what I thought! I'll, er, see you later.
- What about the pressure? - What? What pressure? Now listen, Michael, according to some religions, nothing.
Nothing.
You know, you wait until your wedding night.
- What? - Yeah, the pr The What? Different pressure.
What pressure are you talking about? To know everything.
To be cool and easy when everything's such a huge worry.
Worrying about everything - all the major stages.
"Major stages"? Yeah.
First, you hold her hand, if she doesn't say "Stop" you put your arm around her.
If she still doesn't say "Stop" she's expecting to be kissed.
So you kiss.
Your first kiss.
I mean, isn't that enough for one day? Oh, sure, yeah.
To go home and think about it.
Just, yeah, think.
Mm-hm.
What if she doesn't say "Stop"? What if she never says "Stop"? Michael, that never happens.
Like, erm You see This is really difficult but you know when I was first going out with a girl Not your mother, of course, you know I remember going out with your mother but that was a different "going out" - (Whistles) I'm wittering, aren't I? - Completely.
Yeah, well, this is really difficult, Michael.
I mean, I (Coughs) Now, my dad (Slaps thighs) My dad loved to give advice and I was going out with this girl and he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is, "no matter how much you're in love with her, "if she eats some dodgy fish "she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us.
" That's gross.
That really is gross, isn't it? I know, but they Parents are like that.
They say demented things and think it's clever cos they said it.
(Sighs) Michael, I, erm I don't know what advice to give you.
I mean, all I can see when I look at you is a little boy dragging around a Postman Pat doll.
All I can say is don't be in such a hurry to grow up, right? That's stupid, isn't it, but OK? Cos you want to, don't you? Well, that should make your mother happy.
(Chuckles) - OK now? Is that good? - I think so.
- Yeah, yeah - Dad? What does mean? I think we'd better sit down again, shall we? (Screeching whir in background) You left it blank under experience.
Well, I don't have any experience experience.
But I do have ninja focus.
- Right.
- Very impressive in action.
Your birthday's June 15 - what year? Every year.
The moustache is new though.
It can always come off.
(Door slams) Hey, ho, hey nonny-no If you're going to ignore me do you have to be so loud? I'm not ignoring you, I'm just nursing a wound.
Go and play, go and play, I'll survive.
You're making such a big thing of it.
Oh, excuse me, I didn't realise the trust and faith I put into my only daughter would be "nothing".
Would you feel better if I took them back? It might ease the pain.
Well, I can't.
Prada doesn't give refunds on sales.
So be it, you chose between Miuccia Prada and your own mother and Miuccia won.
Although with a name like Miuccia the victory is pyrrhic.
How about I never wear them? Is that what you want? No.
I want you to feel really guilty.
Heartbreakingly I'll-never-do-it-again guilty.
No, that's not possible.
There's nothing to feel guilty about.
You have to feel guilty when you don't want to feel guilty! That's how it works! You think you're happy and then, ka-pow! It's been that way for generations.
OK, well how about this then, Mum, I feel guilty, erm, but you learn the valuable lesson? Are you negotiating terms of remorse? Why not? I've got a good teacher.
You're not so stupid, are you? So can you take them up for me? I'm gonna need them by nine.
But then you're not so clever either.
I think that goes over there.
Would it make any difference? I like this look - it's kind of crazed and distressed.
Don't say anything, I've got the glue gun.
Well, I'm off.
(All) Ohh! Look at you! (Laughs) Yeah Er, do you need any, erm, money? I'm fine.
And I wrote everything down - "You smell like I'air du temps", wait for the first dismemberment and keep away from fish.
Why don't you ever say things like that to me? (Laughing) Hey, mate, look at you! Very James Bond.
- Where are you going? - Wah-hey! Wah-hey! Wah-hey! Wah-hey.
Mike - flies.
You're letting him out on a date? Like it or not, he's growing up.
You never let me out on my own when I was 12.
- Maybe we should have.
- And changed the locks.
I wasn't allowed out with a boy until I was 13 and a half.
And you followed us to the cinema.
- That wasn't us.
- I asked him for some popcorn and Dad reaches over from behind and offers me some.
It wasn't us.
And that was then and this is now.
Exactly.
We're humans.
We're allowed to change.
No, you're not.
Who are you? Where are our real parents? (# Jaws theme) Have you had fish? Do I smell? Yeah, like air Oh.
OK.
(# Music climaxes) (Woman screams onscreen) Popcorn, anyone? (Gasps) What are you doing? Isn't it too early to be ruining my day? I've lost my keys to the surgery.
- Have you looked for them? - I've tried everything, I've asked my spirit guide, I've phoned the LPPN Lost Property Psychic Network.
I've even used astral projection.
Nothing.
- Have you checked your handbag? - (Sighs) Here they are! It's always the last place you look.
Thank you.
With friends like you who needs animals? Enemies.
With friends like me, who needs enemies? Don't be silly, nobody needs enemies.
That's like saying, "Who needs mosquitoes?" Although in a way, mosquitoes are animals so we do need them.
- Brigitte - Yah? Take the day off.