My Wife and Kids (2001) s01e07 Episode Script

HELLO.
I'M HOME.
JAY? SOMEBODY? HELLO.
HAD A GREAT DAY AT WORK.
CONQUERED THE KNOWN WORLD.
GREAT.
NOBODY'S HOME.
I GUESS I HAVE TO BE MY OWN FAMILY.
HELLO, KADY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY? WHAT'D YOU DO? I WENT TO THE DENTIS TO GET MY LIP FIXED.
AND WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY, CLAIRE? DADDY, I MET THIS REALLY CUTE GUY AT SCHOOL AND HE THINKS I'M CUTE BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S CUTE BUT EVERYBODY ELSE THINKS HE'S CUTE, SO I THINK HE'S CUTE, TOO.
CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY? JUNIOR, WHAT'D YOU DO? DAD, WHATEVER IT IS, I DIDN'T DO IT.
OKAY? AS A MATTER OF FACT, I NEED TO EXCUSE MYSELF 'CAUSE I GOT SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS IN THE BATHROOM.
AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY, JAY? MICHAEL, DON'T START WITH ME, OKAY? I'VE HAD A HARD DAY AT WORK.
HELLO, MS.
LATELY.
WHERE YOU BEEN? MICHAEL, DON'T START WITH ME, OKAY? I HAD A HARD DAY AT WORK.
JUST DON'T STAR WITH ME, OKAY? LOOK AT THE TIME.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY AT? THE KIDS ARE IN THEIR AFTER-SCHOOL PROGRAMS, ROSA'S PICKING UP KADY FROM TUMBLE TOTS, AND I HAD A LATE MEETING.
COME ON, BABY.
WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL? WOULD YOU SMILE? MMM.
I'LL SMILE WHEN I COME HOME AND SEE MY WIFE AND KIDS AND SOME FOOD ON THE TABLE LIKE MY FATHER USED TO HAVE.
WELL, JUST COME HOME A LITTLE LATER.
[LAUGHS.]
I'M SORRY.
WHAT? LOOK, JAY, I'M SERIOUS.
THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME.
THIS IS NOT THE MARRIAGE I SIGNED UP FOR.
YOUR JOB IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THE FAMILY.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
NO, LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED TO BE FULFILLED AND ALL THAT OTHER NONSENSE, BUT YOUR JOB IS STARTING TO INTERFERE WITH YOUR DUTIES AS MOTHER AND WIFE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL? YOU ARE SUCH A MISOGYNIST.
YEAH, I WOULD LOVE A MASSAGE EVERY NOW AND THEN, AND I'M NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THOSE, EITHER.
WHAT YOU TRYING TO SAY? I'M NOT DOING MY JOB AROUND HERE? YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU'D HAVE TO BE SUPERWOMAN.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
I AM SUPERWOMAN.
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
NO, YOU'RE MORE LIKE BATGIRL.
YEAH.
YOU LOOK GOOD IN THE OUTFIT, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE NO SUPERPOWERS.
I'M NOT BATGIRL.
ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU'RE WONDER WOMAN, 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I COME HOME, I'M WONDERING WHERE'S MY WOMAN.
JAY, LISTEN, BABY.
I DIDN'T MARRY SUPERWOMAN.
I MARRIED JAY MARIE JOHNSON, OKAY? YOU ADDED ALL THIS OTHER STUFF.
AND I CAN DO ALL THAT OTHER STUFF AND STILL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND EVERYTHING ELSE MY FAMILY NEEDS, AND I'M GONNA PROVE IT TO YOU.
HOW? IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS, I AM GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER, CHANGE MY CLOTHES, COOK DINNER, CHECK EVERYBODY'S HOMEWORK, WASH FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY AND TWO LOADS OF DISHES.
AND WHAT ABOU TAKING CARE OF ME? OH, BABY, SINCE YOU THINK THAT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR EVERYTHING, YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I'M GONNA BE WATCHING YOU TAKE THAT SHOWER.
HEY, KIDS.
HOW Y'ALL DOING? HEY, DAD.
HEY, DAD.
HEY, GUYS.
LOOK AT THIS.
MOM'S COOKING A NICE MEAL FOR THE FAMILY.
WE'RE GONNA SIT DOWN AND ENJOY SOME TIME TOGETHER.
I'M GOING TO MY ROOM.
NO, NO, NO.
SIT DOWN.
YOUR MOM'S GOING OUT OF HER WAY.
YOU'RE GONNA EAT WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
HEY, HEY.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S THIS NEW KID AT SCHOOL.
HE'S BEEN RAGGING ON JUNIOR FOR WEEKS.
RAGGING ON YOU HOW? I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
WHAT, IS HE PUSHING YOU AROUND? YEAH, HE IS, DADDY.
HE TAKES JUNIOR'S HAT OFF, HE WON' GIVE IT BACK, AND HE MAKES FUN OF HIM.
WHAT DOES HE SAY? HE SAID I WAS SO UGLY WHEN I WAS BORN THAT THE DOCTOR ALMOS CIRCUMCISED MY NOSE.
AND EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING AT ME.
I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU? BECAUSE HE'S HUGE AND HE'D KILL ME? AND THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO HANDLE IT, JUNIOR.
YOU GOTTA FIGHT BACK WITH YOUR MOUTH.
YEAH, BITE HIM.
NO, THAT IS NO WHAT I MEAN.
YOU GOTTA FIGHT BACK WITH WORDS.
I TRIED.
REALLY? WHAT DID YOU SAY? I SAID HIS HEAD WAS SO BIG, HE MUST NEED A REALLY BIG HAT.
THAT'S IT? YEAH, THAT'S IT.
HE GOT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, BABY.
HEY.
WHAT'S UP, DADDY? HEY, FOR-SHIZZIE WHA-HEEZIE OFF THE HEEZIE CHUCKIE-CHEEZIE.
SIT DOWN AND JOIN US, BABY.
MOVE IT, JUNIOR.
OKAY, I MADE EVERYBODY'S INDIVIDUAL FAVORITE.
CURRIED CHICKEN FOR DADDY, GRILLED VEGETABLES FOR CLAIRE, HAMBURGER FOR JUNIOR, AND MACARONI AND CHEESE AND BROCCOLI FOR THE BABY.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
NOT FOR SUPERWOMAN.
BABY, SIT DOWN.
WE GONNA HELP JUNIOR LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE DOZENS.
OH, I USED TO BE GOOD AT THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE, UM YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE BROKE HER LEG AND GRAVY POURED OUT.
HOW ABOU YOUR DADDY'S SO OLD, HE KNEW BURGER KING WHEN HE WAS JUST A PRINCE.
YOUR FEE ARE SO STINKY, YOUR SHOES RAN AWAY.
THAT WAS GOOD, BABY.
SEE, THIS RUNS IN YOUR GENES, SON.
THERE'S NO WAY THIS GUY CAN BEAT YOU.
HERE, TRY THIS ONE.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE COMES FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY.
WHO IS THIS KID? HIS NAME IS GEORGE BLAKE.
HIS FAMILY MOVED INTO THE DUNNIGANS' OLD HOUSE.
LOOK, I GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE INVITE THE BLAKES OVER, RIGHT? WE'LL WINE AND DINE 'EM, THEN WE'LL PICK THEIR BRAINS AND FIND OUT WHAT THEIR KID'S WEAKNESSES ARE.
AND THEN YOU CAN USE THAT STUFF AGAINST HIM.
YOU PUSH THE BUTTONS.
SEE, THAT'S HOW HE GOT TO YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID THAT SOME OF THAT STUFF ABOUT YOU BEING AN UGLY BABY IS TRUE.
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS NOT TRUE.
YOU WERE A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
THANKS, MOM.
THEY DID TAKE A COUPLE INCHES OFF YOUR NOSE, THOUGH.
OH, JANET, THAT KEY LIME PIE WAS INCREDIBLE.
THANK YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PIECE FOR YOUR SON? OH, HE'S ON A DIET.
HE HAD A LITTLE BI OF A WEIGHT PROBLEM, SO WE SENT HIM TO ONE OF THOSE CAMPS.
OH, YEAH? REALLY? SUGAR WOODS.
SUGAR WOODS.
FOR THE EXTRA-HUSKY BOY.
WELL, PERSONALLY, I THINK IT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP.
IF HE HADN'T LOS THOSE 60 POUNDS, HE'D HAVE A SHO AT A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP.
OF COURSE, HE COULDN'T FI HIS HEAD INSIDE THE HELMET.
HE MUST HAVE A REALLY BIG HEAD.
HE WEARS A SIZE 14 HAT.
[WHISTLES.]
HOW DO YOU FIND A HAT THAT BIG? WHAT, DO YOU SEW TWO 7s TOGETHER? THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
I USED TO DO A LOT OF SEWING, AND GEORGIE WAS MY LITTLE DRESSMAKER DUMMY.
DRESSMAKER DUMMY.
I USED TO PIN THE FABRIC FOR THE DRESSES AROUND HIM AND HE WOULD GIGGLE AND GIGGLE.
IT WAS SO CUTE.
OH, THAT IS SO CUTE.
ISN'T THAT CUTE, MICHAEL? IT'S ADORABLE.
SWEETIE, WE BETTER HEAD ON HOME.
YOU KNOW HOW GEORGIE-POOH HATES BEING IN THE HOUSE BY HIMSELF.
I KNOW HOW HE HATES BEING CALLED GEORGIE-POOH.
WHO WOULDN'T? WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.
NO, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT.
VERY INFORMATIVE.
NICE TO GET TO KNOW THE NEIGHBORS.
THANK YOU.
GOODBYE.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
TELL GEORGIE-POOH GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
KADY.
KADY, STOP THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHEW! WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? OH, SHE'S SEAT SNIFFING.
WHAT? YOU KNOW.
YOU SNIFF THE CUSHIONS WHEN SOMEBODY LEAVES.
KIND OF GET THE FLAVOR OF WHO THEY ARE.
YOU NEVER DID THAT? DID THAT? I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
OH.
WELL, ALL MY FAMILY DID IT.
MY BROTHERS, ME.
I DID IT.
THAT WAS A LITTLE GAME WE PLAYED.
THAT'S NOT A GAME.
THAT'S WEIRD.
AND EVERYBODY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD NEVER DID THAT.
OH, SURE.
YOU PROBABLY JUST DIDN'T NOTICE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU'RE A SNIFFEE.
OKAY, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
WHEN WE SIT DOWN ON THIS SOFA, THESE KIDS COME DOWN HERE-- NO, WE'RE FAMILY.
THA WOULD BE DISGUSTING.
IT'S ONLY PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THERE ARE SEAT-SNIFFING RULES? WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE MAJOR ONE, WHICH IS YOU GOTTA GET TO THE SEA WITHIN 15 SECONDS.
OTHERWISE THE SMELL EVAPORATES.
UNLESS YOU GO THE PLASTIC SLIPCOVERS.
THEY'LL SEAL I RIGHT UP.
OH, MICHAEL.
THAT'S GROSS, MICHAEL.
THAT'S NASTY.
NO, IT'S CUTE.
YOU SEE THE LITTLE FACE.
THAT'S NOT CUTE.
THAT'S NOT CUTE.
RELAX.
BABY, IT'S JUST A PHASE.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A PHASE.
IT'S GOTTA STOP.
THAT IS JUST NASTY.
EWW.
MICHAEL! KADY? YEAH, MOMMY? BABY, WHERE DID YOU LEARN ALL THIS SEAT-SNIFFING STUFF? IT'S JUST FUN.
WELL, MOMMY DOESN'T THINK IT'S VERY GOOD.
WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME SEE YOUR MOUTH.
KADY, WHEN DID YOUR TEETH FALL OUT? YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MOMMY? BECAUSE YOU WERE AT WORK.
OH, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY I MISSED IT.
BUT DON'T WORRY, OKAY? WE'RE GONNA CALL THE TOOTH FAIRY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
LAST NIGHT I GOT $5.
00 FROM THE TOOTH BROTHER.
THAT WAS SOME ANSWER YOU GAVE IN MATH CLASS, JUNIOR.
YOU'RE SO DUMB, WHEN THEY TOLD YOU 2+2 IS 4, YOU PROBABLY ASKED FOR WHAT? YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE SO DUMB, YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL I.
Q.
[CLAIRE LAUGHS.]
YOU'RE SO IGNORANT, YOU THINK MILK OF MAGNESIA COMES FROM CHINESE COWS.
AND WHEN YOU WERE BORN, YOU WERE SO UGLY, THE DOCTOR SLAPPED YOUR MAMA.
WELL, I MAY BE UGLY, BUT AT LEAST I'M NO SOME OLD HUSKY BOY WHOSE MAMA PUT DRESSES ON HIM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
AN UGLY LITTLE GIRL WITH A BIG HEAD WHO CRIES LIKE A BABY ANY TIME HE'S LEFT ALONE IN HIS OWN HOUSE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOU SUGAR WOODS FAT-BOY CAMP DROPOUT? GEORGIE-POOH.
[ALL LAUGH.]
HEY, DON'T TOUCH MY BROTHER.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, STRING BEAN? YOU BROKE MY NOSE.
YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, KYLE.
HOW YOU DOING, CHAMP? HOW YOU THINK I'M DOING? YOU SHOULD BE DOING GREAT.
YOU WON.
I DIDN'T WIN.
CLAIRE WON.
NOW THIS GUY'S GONNA KILL ME.
I CAN'T GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
NO, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
DAD, HE SAID IF I GO BACK TO SCHOOL, I'M DEAD MEAT.
JUNIOR YOU CAN NEVER LET A MAN PUT THAT KIND OF FEAR IN YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN HOW BIG HE IS? HE'S NOT JUST A MAN.
HE'S A CROWD.
LOOK, SON, IF YOU DON' STAND UP FOR YOURSELF NOW, YOU'LL BE BACKING DOWN THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I COULD LIVE WITH THAT.
YEAH? WELL, I CAN'T.
NOW, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PLAY THE DOZENS.
BUT YOU GOTTA LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WALK AWAY, YOU LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.
YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT, DAD? THAT I COULD JUS WALK AWAY? YEAH.
IF HE'S AS BIG AS YOU SAY HE IS, WALK FAST.
AND WALK UP A HILL AND DROP SOME TWINKIES EVERY TWO OR THREE YARDS.
WHAT'S UP, MOMMY? OH, COME HERE.
BABY, I JUS WANNA HUG YOU.
COME HERE.
OOH! HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU LATELY? MOM, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING OPRAH AGAIN? NO, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHING MY FAMILY EITHER.
CLAIRE, BABY, WHY DID YOU HIT THAT BOY? IT WAS INSTINCT, MOM.
THAT KID HIT JUNIOR, AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I PUNCHED HIM.
CLAIRE, I DON'T WAN MY DAUGHTER OUT THERE FIGHTING.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS FACE.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO THIS FACE.
THEN LET GO OF IT.
SORRY.
CLAIRE, BABY, LISTEN TO ME REALLY, REALLY CAREFULLY.
MEN PRIDE THEMSELVES ON BEING WARRIORS, AND IF YOU MAKE A MAN FEEL LIKE HE'S NOT A WARRIOR, THEN HE DOESN' FEEL LIKE A MAN.
MOM, I AM NO APOLOGIZING TO THAT FAT TUB OF LARD.
I'M TALKING ABOU YOUR BROTHER.
OH.
SEE, MEN SEE THEMSELVES AS PROVIDERS AND PROTECTORS, AND IT'S OUR JOB TO LET THEM BELIEVE THAT IT'S TRUE.
OKAY? THINK ABOUT IT.
NOW GOUGE THE EYES.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
COME IN.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO JUMP IN FRONT OF ME LIKE THAT.
I CAN FIGH MY OWN BATTLES.
I KNOW THAT.
I JUST FIGURED IF YOU STARTED BEATING ON HIM, YOU WOULD HAVE HURT HIM REALLY BADLY AND GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE.
YOU REALLY THINK SO? YEAH.
I MIGHT HAVE, YOU KNOW? OH, I KNOW.
WHO ARE WE KIDDING? THAT GUY WOULD HAVE KILLED ME.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS YOU STOOD UP TO HIM PLAYING THE DOZENS.
I MEAN, HIM PICKING ON YOU? SEE, THAT WAS EASY.
YOU STANDING UP TO HIM? THAT WAS HARD.
WELL, ANYWAY, I GOT HOMEWORK.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
HEY, CLAIRE.
YEAH? THANKS.
SURE THING.
YOU SURE GO A PRETTY SMILE BACK THERE.
SHH.
DON'T BOTHER ME.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? SHH, MICHAEL.
THAT'S IT.
HEY, MOM, WE'RE DONE.
WE'RE GOING UPSTAIRS.
Jay: OKAY.
GOODBYE, CLAIRE.
HELLO, KADY.
YEAH, WATCH THIS, BABY.
WATCH THIS.
[SNIFFING.]
AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO! WHAT DID YOU DO? I PUT PEPPER ON ALL THE CUSHIONS.
DON'T WEAR WHITE FOR A WHILE.
JOB WELL DONE.
SEE? I'M TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS NOW.
I MISSED KADY'S FIRST TOOTH, I WASN'T THERE FOR CLAIRE WHEN SHE TURNED INTO SMOKIN' JOSEPHINE FRAZIER, BUT NOW I'M ON TOP OF IT.
I'M PROUD OF CLAIRE STICKING UP FOR HER BROTHER.
IT'S COOL THE WAY SHE POPPED THAT DUDE.
POP! NO, THAT IS NOT COOL.
WE DO NOT RAISE OUR CHILDREN TO SETTLE THEIR CONFLICTS WITH VIOLENCE.
THEY HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO COMPROMISE.
WELL, IT'S HARD TO COMPROMISE WHEN SOMEBODY KNOCKS YOU ON YOUR ASS.
MICHAEL, IT'S NOT THE SAME AS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
THEY SHOOT NOWADAYS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? CLAIRE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THAT FAR.
SHE ATTACKED THAT BOY.
HEY, YOU HIT ONE OF US, YOU HIT ALL OF US, AND THE WRATH OF THE ENTIRE FAMILY WILL BE VISITED UPON YOUR HEAD AND THE HEADS OF YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN UNTIL THE END OF TIME.
THANK YOU, OBI-WAN KEBALDY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I HOPE YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT TO SAY, 'CAUSE GEORGE'S FATHER IS COMING OVER HERE LATER TO TALK ABOUT THE INCIDENT.
WHEN DID IT GET UPGRADED TO AN INCIDENT? I THINK IT WAS WHEN THE WRATH OF CLAIRE'S FIS WAS VISITED UPON GEORGE'S NOSE.
BETTER START THINKING HOW YOU'RE GONNA DEAL WITH THIS MAN.
HAVE A SEAT, SON.
THIS WAS AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT.
WELL, I HARDLY THINK IT'S AN INCIDENT.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST OUR KIDS GOT A LITTLE OUT OF HAND.
THAT'S ALL.
BUT YOUR DAUGHTER HIT MY KID.
SHE DAMN NEAR BROKE HIS NOSE.
WELL, IT WAS AFTER YOUR SON HIT MY SON.
LOOK, MIKEY, I KNOW KIDS ARE GONNA BE KIDS, ALL RIGHT? BUT IT'S OBVIOUS THAT GEORGE WAS PROVOKED.
LOOK, JOEY, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOUR SON IS 10 TIMES THE SIZE OF MY SON.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE ARMS.
THESE ARE LITTLE TOOTHPICKS.
HE CAN'T POSE A THREAT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S JUST HOPE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN, ALL RIGHT? COME ON.
LET'S GO, SON.
YEAH, LET'S JUST HOPE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
BECAUSE IF IT DOES OH, IF IT DOES WHAT? IF IT DOES, I MIGH HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
AND JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY WHAT--WHAT MIGH THIS SOMETHING BE? DAD.
NO, NO.
I JUST WANNA HEAR WHAT THE PARAMETERS ARE THAT I'M WORKING IN.
I JUST WOULDN' WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE THE SITUATION INTO MY OWN HANDS.
DAD-- Michael: IS THAT RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU TAKE THE SITUATION INTO YOUR HANDS, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT DOWN THE SANDWICHES AND THE MEAT LOAF.
SO WHAT, NOW YOU CALLING ME FAT? NO, I DIDN' CALL YOU FAT.
THE SCALE CALLS YOU FAT.
THE RICHTER SCALE CALLS YOU FAT.
I CALL YOU CHUBBSY-WUBBSY.
I'D RATHER BE FA THAN BALD.
OH, YEAH? YEAH.
YOU LOOK LIKE A CORN DOG WITH EYEBROWS.
SO WHEN IS THE BABY DUE? WHENEVER IT'S DUE, IT'S GONNA HAVE MORE HAIR THAN YOU, BALDY.
IS THAT ALL YOU GO IS THE BALD STUFF? LOOK, I CAN GROW HAIR-- WELL, AROUND HERE.
YOU'RE UGLY.
YOU CAN'T GROW HANDSOME.
Junior: DAD! I'M JUST GETTING TO KNOW THE NEIGHBOR, THE BIG, FAT, UGLY, DOUBLE-CHINNED-- HEY, HEY, HEY! DAD! DAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HEY, JOEY, WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING YOUR BOXERS FIT LIKE A THONG? THAT'S IT.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
HEY, HEY, HEY! WHAT, IS THERE A BUFFET OUTSIDE? DAD! DAD! REMEMBER, WALK AWAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY.
Junior: SHAKE.
IT WAS CHILDISH.
COME ON, DAD.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
I'LL GO BUY YOU SOME ICE CREAM.
NON-FAT.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I'M SORRY, SON.
I APOLOGIZE.
THAT WAS-- THAT WAS VERY CHILDISH.
THAT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO WALK AWAY.
YOU WERE FUNNY, THOUGH.
YOU THINK SO? WHICH ONE DID YOU LIKE? "WHEN'S THE BABY DUE"? THAT WAS A KILLER, DAD.
COME ON.
LET ME BUY YOU SOME ICE CREAM.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GET YOU SOME ROGAINE.
YOU MEAN YOU ALMOS CAME TO BLOWS? THAT'S RIGHT.
HE WAS LUCKY, TOO, 'CAUSE I WAS GONNA HIT HIM-- HIT HIM LIKE THIS.
HIT HIM OVER HERE, THEN HIT HIM UP THERE, THEN HIT HIM LIKE THIS, THEN HIT HIM OVER THERE, AND HIT HIM LIKE THIS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? I DON'T KNOW.
BABY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US.
TWO GROWN MEN ACTING LIKE 9-YEAR-OLDS.
YEAH.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HIM, THOUGH.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY SCORED POINTS WITH YOUR SON.
HE THINKS YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
NAH, I'M NO THE GREATEST.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
YOU ARE SUPERWOMAN.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? SOMETIMES EVEN SUPERWOMAN NEEDS SUPERMAN TO FLY IN AND STRAIGHTEN OU HER CAPE.
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
AND I GUESS SUPERMAN COULD USE HIS CAPE STRAIGHTENED OCCASIONALLY, TOO.
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
I GUESS IF I'M SUPERMAN, I KNOW WHA MY KRYPTONITE IS.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S MY FAMILY.
YEAH, AND IF I'M SUPERWOMAN, YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MY KRYPTONITE IS? HMM? YOU.
YOU'RE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME WEAK.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
IT'S NOT THE SAME AS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
THEY SHOOT NOWADAYS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? CLAIRE DIDN'T HAVE TO ATTACK THAT BOY.
SHE ATTACKED THAT BOY.
I WASN'T THERE FOR CLAIRE WHEN SHE TURNED INTO SMOKIN' JOSEPHINE FRAZIER, BUT NOW I'M ON TOP OF IT.
I'M NOT.