Mystery Girls (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Morning! Shh! I'm listening in on the accountants downstairs.
Get this Jake is sleeping with Becky, only Becky's sleeping with Kyle.
But Kyle is gay.
Kyle's gay? Should we tell Becky? You know Becky? I don't know Kyle.
Wait, what's that thing? Oh, you like it? I got it at the Spy Shop on Sunset.
Nerd.
For your information, this is a parabolic microphone.
And it was 50% off.
Cheap nerd.
Mystery girls.
Yes, we take all kinds of cases.
The disappearance of your mother-in-law? We'll make it our number one priority.
They're bringing back "Mystery Girls.
" What?! Did you just hang up on a client? Did you just hear what Nick said? According to "Dateline Hollywood," the network that made "Mystery Girls" is bringing the show back.
Oh, my God.
This is so exciting.
It's your mother-in-law, consider it a blessing.
Enough with the hanging up on people.
Wait, Nick, are you okay? I've had two wishes my entire life, that "Mystery Girls" would be resurrected and that Madonna would live to be 100.
Now it looks like both are coming true! Nick, find out when shooting starts.
I want to see if I have time to get new boobs.
On it.
Charlie, you want some, too? No, I already have two huge ones that I'm staring at.
Oh, we're the boobs.
You have got to get a grip, woman.
They haven't even asked us to be a part of this thing.
Do you have any idea how furious the fans would be if we weren't in it? Nick, tell her how furious they would be.
Muy, muy furioso.
Don't you think we would have heard if we were supposed to star in this? It says all creative details are being closely guarded.
See? Except for the casting of the Mystery Girls.
Is it us? Is it us? Not unless your names are Kimmee Kitson and Tika Toi.
What? Who are those tramps? Hmm Well, I'm glad that's over.
Going back to acting would be my worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare would be being stuck on an elevator with "Duck Dynasty.
" Oh, maybe it's the studio realizing they made a huge mistake.
Please Mystery girls.
It's them! Hello? No, this is Holly Hamilton's assistant.
Let me transfer you to her agent, Dick.
Dick speaking.
How can I help you? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Give me a minute.
They want you be in the show.
It's only a small part.
Get us a good deal.
Give it to 'em hard, Dick.
Uh we want a million dollars and we want two fully stocked, a-list dressing rooms.
Uh-huh.
That's right.
You got a deal.
You're getting paid scale and you have to change in the bathroom.
We're back! No, we're not.
I left Hollywood a long time ago and I don't want to go back.
What about me? I liked it there, I want to go back.
I like it here, minus the guy dressed like a South Beach hotel.
Oh, come on, Charles.
Please, I can't do it without you.
And it's so important to me.
It's "Mystery Girls.
" Girls-sss.
I get it, it's plural.
Girls-ssssss.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
I'll do it, one little cameo.
- Now stop.
- Thank you! Don't tell Charlie, but we're gonna turn this cameo into a much bigger role.
And then we'll go from regular famous back to super famous.
Yes! I can hear you.
Guess who.
Someone who's never been on a firing range.
I was hoping you'd give me some tips on how to properly hold a gun.
They're bringing back "Mystery Girls" and I want to look authentic.
Didn't you and Charlie use guns on the original show? Hmm, I'm a little rusty.
Besides, guns have changed a lot in 10 years.
That's not true at all.
Oh Well, just shut up and show me how to handle it.
I've got a little time, okay.
This is a nine millimeter handgun.
All my instincts are telling me not to hand it to you.
I promise I'll be gentle with it.
Now hold it tight but not too tight.
All right Keep your eyes on the target.
I am.
No, that target.
Cup one hand under the other.
Slowly put your finger on the trigger.
Do you have a second gun in your pocket? Yes, I do.
That's what I thought.
Let's just try to focus, okay? All right, breathe normally.
Fire when ready.
You okay? Hope that was as good for you as it was for me.
Whoa! Hey! Okay.
I'm surprised Charlie didn't want to brush up on her gun skills.
Oh, she's here somewhere.
How you like me now, punk? Ugh, I cannot believe I let you talk me into this.
I didn't twist your arm.
You literally twisted my arm.
Oh, here we are, the old sound stage, where we filmed all the episodes.
Well, except when the Mystery Girls went to Hawaii.
That was here.
But the Grand Canyon episode.
No, that was here.
Oh, man, so we didn't go to Vegas? No, we went to Vegas.
Don't you remember? You flashed your Hooters at Wayne Newton.
He smiled.
You must be Holly and Charlie.
It's such a thrill to have you here.
I've got some paperwork for you and I'll be right back.
People are excited to see us.
Hey, you must be the janitor.
Such a thrill to have you here.
Well, he's a happy person.
He's thrilled to see everyone.
There's my Mystery Girls.
Arthur J.
Stanwyck.
Aww, the creator of the blondest detective series of all time.
Of all time.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
We're so excited to read your script.
I know, but I didn't write this one.
Oh.
Well, I'm just here as a favor to the studio.
But you read it.
No.
I, uh I've moved on from show business.
But there's no business like show business.
I have something better, an endless supply of wine.
I always knew you had a drinking problem.
I don't have a drinking problem, I have a winery.
Ooh.
My problem is I have no popcorn.
And there it is.
Poor, old Arthur.
What are you talking about? Well, look at him.
He's miserable.
Eating his feelings.
Yeah, he looks like a broken man.
He's just hiding it well, trust me.
Who would want to leave all of this? The glamour, the adoration.
Who are you two supposed to be? We're the Mystery Girls.
Think again, aunt grandma.
We're the Mystery Girls.
I don't think I'm gonna like this.
This sucks.
Why are we dressed like hobos? You're the one that wanted a big, fancy cameo.
Well, I thought I'd be dressed in latex with my boobs pushed up against my chin.
Just be happy your boobs are at a somewhat natural level, for once.
And that they didn't draw a beard on you.
But I gots no teeth.
Why are they treating us so bad? I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, don't quit again.
What is that supposed to mean? You quit the show to go have a kid.
Uh, you quit the show to go do movies.
Yeah, after you quit first.
You quit first.
Well, clearly this isn't the place to do this.
And you quit first.
Oh, my God how exciting is this? Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the office.
Holly got me a cameo.
As what, a gay gumby? This happens to be A motion capture suit and I'm going to be playing a merman who lives in the Mystery Girls' private grotto.
Can I get a script? I think you look great covered in balls.
Thanks.
Covered I get it.
Yeah, balls, funny.
Well, I should go see if they need me in makeup.
Why, to get your balls powdered? Oh, it's those two again.
Wait, is that a "Mystery Girls" phone? Yeah, it was in one of our gift baskets.
Gift baskets? We didn't get gift baskets.
Sucks for you.
Holly, Charlie, I'm Miles, the director.
- You ready to rehearse? - Oh.
Okay, let me set the scene for you.
The original Mystery Girls are undercover on skid row.
You are smelly, you're gross, you're disgusting Okay, that'll be enough.
You've recovered the launch codes and you're about to turn them over to the new Mystery Girls.
Why? So they can stop the bad guys.
Oh, well, why can't we stop the bad guys? We have the launch codes.
Yeah, she's right.
It really doesn't make sense your way.
Let's just give this a try.
And go.
Let's ask those gross bums if they've seen the original Mystery Girls.
We're the original Mystery Girls.
Now take this launch code and go save the world.
Thanks, original Mystery Girls.
- Mystery solved.
- Mystery solved.
I can't believe I thought we could go back and everything would still be the same.
Don't beat yourself up, I got sucked in a little, too.
At least we have eight amazing seasons to cheer us up.
Mm-hmm, we really did do important work.
- Mystery solved.
- Mystery solved.
I really punched that guy.
It was payback for getting handsy in the makeup trailer.
And I was born to play a nun.
Fun fact I wasn't wearing underwear in that scene.
Oh, my God, have you guys been here all night? Oh, yeah.
We watched two seasons and our Christmas special with M.
C.
Hammer and Alf.
Ooh, "Nuns of my Business.
" I love this episode.
Here comes my favorite continuity error.
What continuity error? See how you're holding that gun? And Now it's a sandwich.
Holly! Sorry, it was an all-night shoot.
I got hungry.
Do you feel better? Or do you want to watch another season? Ooh, another season.
Let's do season four, where she had the split personality.
I'm bad.
I'm good.
I'm bad.
I'm good.
What am I?! Loud and crazy? What are you doing here? There's been a kidnapping.
Oh, well how can we help you with that? You're the prime suspects.
I take back that offer.
The new Mystery Girls never showed up on set.
Producers are getting worried.
About who's gonna play the lead parts? Fine, we'll do it.
Back from the dead, like the Halloween episode "Mystery Ghouls.
" Uh, you don't think we had anything to do with it, do you? Of course not.
Although an entire crew heard you threaten to cut their heads off.
Ooh that.
Her, not me.
Oh, I'm sure you both have alibis.
Yeah, I was with her all night.
And I was with her, all night.
Well, that settles that.
But just for fun, no one leaves town, 'Kay? I'm just gonna take this.
As evidence.
This does not look good for us.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That that egg roll's gonna give him gas, too? No, we have got to clear our name by finding those wretched girls.
We're the Mystery Girls, this is what we do.
We are detectives.
If anybody can do this, we can.
Because you know where you hid the bodies? Nick! I know, I know, it's "nuns" of my business.
Tell me again, why are we wearing these disguises? We're the prime suspects.
They're not gonna just let us go poking around, looking for clues.
Oh, hey, Arthur.
Hi.
I'm sorry, do I know you? It's us.
Oh, that's so weird, come on.
Those are great disguises.
I had no idea.
Maybe you can help us with something, Arthur.
We're trying to find the new Mystery Girls who went missing.
Missing? Come on, they probably just ran off together to have some fun.
Yeah, couple of slackers, huh? Sounds familiar, huh? You talking about us? Come on, you were always running off somewhere.
You know that.
Last season of the show, half the episodes featured your stand-ins shot from the back.
So that's why my ass looked so big.
Hang on.
Oh, here's good news.
It's the deli, they found my sweater.
Is that the "Mystery Girls" phone? Where'd you get that? In my gift basket, didn't you get one? That's it, the girls' phones.
We need to get the serial numbers from production and have Nick start a trace.
Now that's a slick method of detectiv-ing.
Go get 'em, girls.
- Okay, bye.
- Yeah.
Who is it? Room service.
I don't think we ordered any food.
It's a gift from the people at the cool party.
What cool party? We're the cool party.
There's a cooler party on the roof, but don't tell them I told you.
Get out of our way.
Did somebody order two servings of, "I don't think so?" Move! Let me move first.
- You have to let me out.
- Ow, that's my boob.
Did somebody order two servings of, "I don't think so?" With a side of, "do you need any help getting out of there?" We got you! - Mystery solved.
- Mystery solved.
Ew, you guys say your catchphrase in real life? How did you find us? We put a trace on those cell phones.
Tika, just get rid of them.
Get rid of us? Yeah hey, whoa! What are you doing there, little missy? What is this? Pepper spray? Were you gonna use this on us? - No, I was gonna just - What? Spray us? Maybe we should spray you.
I dare you.
Oh, you do? Yeah, really? You don't think I'd do it, huh? She'll do it.
Yeah, I would but I won't.
Because this is very dangerous.
This is super fun, but we have Britney tickets.
How does this work? Oh, let me help you! You're rubbing more pepper in my eyes! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! Are you guys for real? Did you come all the way to Vegas just for a couple of cell phones? - What? - Cell phones, what? Yeah, I wasn't grabbing pepper spray, weirdo.
I was getting your "Mystery Girls" phones.
We stole your gift baskets.
- Guys, my eyes.
- Yeah, yeah.
Go wash it out with warm water in the bathroom.
We finally got gift baskets.
Isn't that why you're here? No, we came here to drag you back to L.
A.
and clear our names.
Well, can we reschedule this for never.
We have some partying to do.
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait right there! You may not understand this right now, but this show it's a gift.
Stop taking it for granted.
Because otherwise, you're gonna spend the rest of your life trying to relive it.
Oh, God.
Yeah, Nick, we know your eyes hurt.
No, not that.
I just got a news alert.
I mean, I can barely see but it looks like they're pulling the plug on the new "Mystery Girls.
" No! They can't.
I took six months of karate lessons.
Well, now you can take six months of acting lessons.
I don't understand.
Why would you buy a lie detector? I didn't, they gave it to me at the Spy Shop because I am a valued customer.
- You good? - Think so.
I mean, this will either work or give her a massive shock.
What?! Okay, nothing.
Let's just start out with an easy question, shall we? All right.
Do you believe that bigfoot exists? Duh, yes I do.
Correct.
I thought I saw him at runyon canyon once, but it turns out it was Nick Nolte.
Thanks for sharing.
Okay, number two Did you dump paint on Jennifer Love Hewitt's Mercedes? Of course not.
It was her Jag.
Uh-huh, correct.
Okay.
Did you eat my yogurt in the refrigerator? Yes.
Holly, I told you that was mine.
No, you didn't.
- Ooh - A-ha! Fine, I'm sorry.
Are you really? Yes.
Damn it! Can I take this thing off now? No, no, I have one final question.
Do you have a crush on Detective Duane Freeman? Chuck, please.
Answer the question.
Fine, if it's that important to you.
I, Holly Hamilton, do not have a crush on Detective Duane Freeman.
Huh.
Are we done here? Uh, yeah.
Like I can't beat a lie detector.
I knew it.
What? How'd you hear me? Are you wearing a wire?!