Netflix Presents: The Characters (2016) s01e07 Episode Script
Tim Robinson
1 [piano music playing.]
[laughter.]
[Tim.]
So I look at him and I say, "If he works here, I'm definitely not eating here!" Why don't you tell us another story, Tim? [shouts.]
No! Uh-uh.
No.
I've been telling you guys stories all damn night.
Why don't one of you tell me a story? Go.
When I was a small, small boy, I had big, big muscles.
- [Tim.]
Yes? - [man.]
Oh, yeah.
I mean, forget about it! Who's that tall drink of water that just came in? That? That's Sammy Paradise! Old Two Eyes himself.
Can I take your hat and coat? You can do more than take them, kid.
You can keep them.
Wow! Thank you, Mr.
Paradise! Lady Luck They call her Lady Luck When she kisses me, I'm in heaven I'm as lucky as lucky seven Champagne, Mr.
Paradise? I'll take your oldest bottle, extra bubbles! Shake it up, and just let it spill, baby! - This floor could use a little grease! - Yes, sir, Mr.
Paradise! Cha-ching! She's a dame who's fine Ka-pow! And she's mine, oh, mine Lady Luck I'll take a steak.
The usual.
- Rare? - Not rare, one of a kind! And give it to my friend here.
He looks hungry.
Thanks, Mr.
Paradise! Zowee! She's the girl with the most Ka-powee! And I'm her host Lady Luck Thanks for the rib-eye, pally.
Here's a tip find a new line of work! Here's another tip a cool grand.
Wowee! Thanks, Mr.
Paradise! Good fortune Ring-a-ding-dong I can sing to her all night long Lady Luck Make a wish.
Hot dog! Hey! Eyes off the merchandise, pal.
The lady's spoken for.
Lady Luck All bets.
Put it all on seven.
Lady Luck They call her Lady Luck Blow on them, doll.
When she kisses me, I'm in heaven Snake eyes! Snake eyes? Snake eyes? [shouts.]
Oh, no! No! I'm ruined! You! You jinxed them! What? I did not! [shouts.]
Yeah, you did! You owe me 50 grand! I'm broke! I'm a dead man! Sammy, cool it! Take it easy.
Get off me! Hey, fat fuck! That's my steak! I paid for it, I'm eating it! - It's in my throat! - Let's get that puppy out.
Come on, you fat fuck! If I'm dying tonight, I'm eating filet mignon! It's overcooked.
I'm not paying for it.
I want my money back.
It's overcooked.
I don't think so, Mr.
Paradise.
You, give me my grand back, asshole! All right, Sammy.
It don't seem right, but here you go.
Look at that! I'm rich again! Lady Luck They call her Lady Luck - Put it on black! - [craps dealer.]
It's red.
[screams.]
I'm a dead man! Sammy, we should go.
- You were eyeballing my girl earlier.
- Sorry about that.
One night, $1,000.
Anything you want.
Rimming, piss on her, it's all on the table.
Rip her teeth, keep them as souvenirs.
- [shrieks.]
Sammy! - Sir, we have to ask you to leave.
Fine.
That's fair.
I feel like that's fair.
Sure.
I'm just gonna get my quarter.
You saw me put the quarter there.
I'm gonna get that back.
Ow! It burned me! The fountain burned me! It's piping hot! It is not hot, Mr.
Paradise.
Who cares? All right.
Who wants to buy a toupee? It's just the top and one side.
This side's all natural, baby! Oh, Sammy! All right, folks.
I'm going to go in the bathroom and I'm going to suck my own dick.
You guys, pay whatever you think is fair, good? Mr.
Paradise! I'm going in.
The show is about to start! Once the show starts, no one else will be admitted.
[door closing.]
[Sammy.]
Yeah, nobody came in.
I guess I still got to start the show.
[groans.]
Oh, God.
[moans.]
I can't fricking reach! I touched it! [telephone ringing.]
Yeah? Mitchell's Limos.
Uh-huh, we got limos.
No, you're thinking of a hearse.
Hey, fella.
Dumb much? Legendary! You're the king of slams, Rog! Anyway, back to my story.
I picked up a bride and groom the other day, put them in the back, and the groom said And let me guess.
You told them this story and then they jumped out the back! Oh! Oh, I just got slammed by the king of slams! - Oh! That, sir, is an honor.
- [worker.]
It is! Oh, boy! Here comes Morley.
I'm just doing OK.
I got in trouble with my neighbors over the weekend, because I was listening to my jazz too loud.
I'm such a jazz head, right? I've said that.
Notice anything different about me? You kind of grew a mustache? Yeah.
Yeah, just a little weekend project.
Just like Mike's.
Hey, Mike.
All right.
Back to the grind.
[telephone ringing.]
Mitchell's Limos.
We got smiles for miles.
This is Morley speaking.
Hey, Morley.
It's 1981.
We want our mustache back.
Hello? Yeah, it's 1981.
We want our mustache back.
This is me from 1981? Yeah.
I want my mustache back.
Morley, you listen to me, and you listen to me very carefully.
Do not go in the tent with your uncle on the family camping trip.
What happens in there will change your life forever.
God damn it.
Hey, Morley? Are you doing OK, bud? You know what, Steven? Yeah.
Yeah.
I just prevented something very terrible from happening to me.
That's great, Morley.
That's really great.
Thanks, Mike.
You're my best friend here.
Hey, Rog! Rog, do you think I could fit this whole thing in my mouth? That's funny.
That's what your mom asked me last night! King of the slams! [shouts.]
Hold on a damn minute! You spoke to my mother last night? Yeah.
Oh, geez.
Oh, geez.
Hello, Dad? I got good news and I got bad news.
The good news is Mom's still alive.
The bad news is she's sleeping with my boss, Rog, king of the slams.
Yeah.
No, he is very cool.
Yeah.
All right.
We'll talk about it when I get home.
Uncle Dave's not over, is he? Good.
I fucking hate that guy.
[shouts.]
Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir, Sergeant! Affirmative! Affirmative! I love you.
[whispers.]
Say it, say it, say it.
God, this work retreat is so boring.
At least it's almost lunch.
Yeah, first there's music.
Last year we had Bonnie Raitt, and she was so awesome.
Well, this year we've got the Pointer Brothers.
Oh.
Do they do Pointer Sisters songs? I would assume so.
Anything else would be plain stupid.
[male announcer.]
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your warm hands together for the Pointer Brothers! [cheesy pop music playing.]
What are they doing? Ladies and gentlemen, we are the Pointer Brothers.
And by the end of the night tonight, we promise to point to every person in this arena.
Oh, no! That can't be what this is! There's, like, a thousand of us in here.
OK, folks.
Now, here's how it works.
Everybody, stand up.
Once you've been pointed at, sit down.
Otherwise, there's no way for us to keep track.
Or if that doesn't work, throw your hands up.
Wait to be pointed.
Once you're pointed at, throw that hand back down to the ground.
We can't do both.
We got to choose one, guys.
- I kind of like the hand thing.
- And I like mine.
So do they not sing? I think that they just point.
That can't be it! All right, folks.
Who hasn't been pointed at yet? This is a lot harder to keep track of who I pointed at than I thought.
Well, it's not that bad.
I pointed at him him her Don't point at them again.
It makes it less special.
Don't tell me what to do.
All right, folks.
This is going to take a long time! But nobody is leaving this room until they are pointed at.
- [Waggoo.]
Waggoo, Waggoo, Waggoo! - Oh! Who's that? It's Waggoo! Hey, everybody! Waggoo! - Waggoo! - [Pointer Brother #1.]
Waggoo! Oh, my God! Now, Waggoo hates points.
He takes them away.
If Waggoo touches you, that brings your point count back down to zero.
Throw your hand back up and we will re-point you.
And, ladies! Do not let Waggoo touch you.
He's not allowed.
Not allowed.
Do you hear me, Paul? [Waggoo.]
OK, man.
Leave me alone.
Not after what you did.
Now we are going to ask a member of the audience to come up on-stage with us, the Pointer Brothers.
So, ma'am, why don't you come on up here? Hurry, though.
Let's go! Come on! Come on! Hurry up! - [woman.]
There's no stairs to get up.
- Grab my hand.
Come on.
Don't make excuses.
You got to help.
You have to help.
You have to help with it.
You have to help.
You have to help.
Come on, get up! Get up! All right, ma'am.
Have we pointed at you yet? - Yes.
- [shouts.]
Damn it! I was going to point at you, show you how easy it was.
OK.
We have a lot of pointing to do, so go and take your seat.
- There's no stairs to get off the stage.
- Lay down and roll off, then! One of these guys will catch you! - Come on, let's go.
- [shouts.]
Go, now! Pronto! Let's go.
Get off, get off.
Go, go.
[bang.]
Shut the fuck up! - She's fine! - Shut the fuck up, you pieces of shit! - fuck up! - [Pointer Brother #1.]
Do you hear me? [Pointer Brother #2.]
Oh, fuck you! Every man in this audience that didn't try to catch her is a fucking coward! Folks, here we go! [cheesy pop music playing.]
Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the part of the evening when one very lucky member of our backstage crew gets to come out here and bring me a water.
Sharon? Come on, Sharon! - Sharon? Hurry up.
- Come on, Sharon.
Come on, Sharon.
- Where the hell were you? - I was lying down.
What is going on with you? Don't go! I am going to give you the bottle back! - Sharon, right, everyone? - We should fire her, right, folks? - We can't.
- Because of what Waggoo did.
- [Waggoo.]
She talked to me first, man.
- Waggoo, are you still out here? - How many people have you touched? - [Waggoo.]
This whole section.
Damn it, Waggoo! That's going to set us back! God damn it! We're in the weeds now, man! Waggoo, you green piece of shit! Who hasn't been pointed at? - Are you fucking kidding me? - This sucks! - [man in audience.]
You suck! - Oh, fuck you, man! You fucking suck! Any of you fucks want it, fight me, you pieces of shit! You suck! This is your wife.
This is your wife.
That's your wife, man! That's your lady! Fight me! [screams.]
Now! [male announcer.]
You're watching the Tampa Bay Wrestling Association.
Hi there, Tampa wrestling fans.
I'm Rusty Vickers, and tonight we have an exciting match-up.
I am here with Fighting Jake Fletcher.
Jake, tonight is your rematch with Dump Truck Wallace.
The last time you were in the ring together, it was nasty, and he came out on top.
Yep.
Probably the hardest match I've ever had in my life.
But Dump Truck, he tricked me.
He didn't follow the rules.
So this time, Dump Truck, get in the ring with me and face me like a man.
No girlfriend jumping in, no hitting me with a chair.
Just man-on-man, hardcore match.
This time, I am promising you absolute victory on you! [audience cheering.]
[bell ringing.]
How did it go out there? He beat me.
Fair and square.
He agreed to all my terms, didn't need any tricks, nobody jumping in.
Overpowered me.
Simply a stronger man.
He kicked out the back of my legs and I hit my head on the mat hard.
Let's say that guy is better than me.
I don't have to fight him anymore.
But do you know who pisses me off? Cosskie the Russian.
And when I step into the ring with him next week, I'm going to whoop him! This win's for you, America! [bell ringing.]
What happened? I lost pretty bad.
That guy might even be tougher than the first guy.
I had to sit out there while Cosskie torched the American flag.
I didn't like that one bit.
But I got one thing to say to you, Cosskie.
Don't spit on me! It's just a game! What are you? I'll tell you this.
Don't do that to me ever again.
[bell ringing.]
Did he spit on you? Yep.
He kicked me in the head, torched the American flag and spit on me.
My beef's not with you, Cosskie.
I know you can beat me! I was never arguing that.
I think you're awesome.
You're huge and fast.
Everyone can beat me except one guy.
Sheikhzilla.
And when I step in the ring with you next week, it's over! [bell ringing.]
You beat me! Who cares? You been doing it way longer.
But next week, I got a plan.
[bell ringing.]
- How did your plan go, Jake? - It didn't work.
He put me in a choke hold and said, "I'm not letting go until you crap your pants.
" - And then what did you do, Jake? - Crapped my pants.
I had to.
It was that or be choked to death.
But I'll tell you this.
If you do that to me again, I'll crap my pants again.
I choose it every time.
Did he torch the flag, Jake? It goes without saying, Rusty.
But I'll tell you this.
I am down, but I am not out.
Next week, I am going back to Dump Truck Wallace.
[bell ringing.]
He kicked me in the back, hit my head, torched the flag.
Crapped my pants.
But it's not important, what happened this week.
It's about next week, when I get in a steel-cage match with Cosskie, Sheikhzilla and Dump Truck.
And it's a steel cage, so I can't leave! [male commentator.]
Cosskie's got him in a hold.
He's talking to him, asking him something.
Jake's nodding.
He's agreeing to it.
He's crapped his pants, everybody.
Jake's up and mouthing, "Who cares?" Here comes the kick in the back.
They're torching the American flag, ladies and gentlemen! [bell ringing.]
[bird chirping.]
[baby crying.]
Shh.
[whispers.]
There you go.
There you go.
Go to sleep, my little girl.
I can't wait to watch you grow.
I hope you get everything you want out of life.
As you lay your head down To fall asleep I sit and think about your life I hope you have some best friends And a perfect house You'll make a beautiful wife When you are four years old I'm sure you'll fall And hurt yourself on your bike But your dad will be there To pick you up Holding tears back With all my might And as you grow and grow And have your first prom You walk on down those stairs You see your dad And the pride in my eyes And you will know how much I care When you go off to college I will miss you so much I won't know what to do When you get home And you get your dream job I will be so goddamn proud of you You'll meet the man of your dreams He'll be handsome and strong And he'll sweep you off your feet His name will be Jeff He will have a good job And your life will be so complete Jeff rides a motorcycle He takes you for rides And he helps me around the house He even shops for you Will give you tons of gifts He'll buy you your favorite blouse Jeff is so fricking cool And he's so fricking tough He's funny as goddamn hell He cracks me up Just the way he says stuff Fricking Jeff, funny as hell! You're at the bar A man says something to you And Jeff knocks him out With just one punch He stands over the body And stares down at him And he says, "I guess he wanted A knuckle sandwich for lunch" I crack up I say, "Jeff, how did you think of that Right off the top of your head?" Well, Jeff just smiles And he winks and me And kisses my daughter so damn hard So damn hard [whispers.]
So damn hard I'm sitting at home, all alone And Jeff pulls up He wants to take you for a ride On his bike I answer the door And tell Jeff you are not at home You are working late tonight And Jeff lowers his head And he looks real sad And I swear that he might cry I said, "Hey there, Jeff" "Don't be sad I will go with you on that ride" With the wind in our hair As we ride down the street I hold onto his waist so tight Well, the bike and the wind And the rubber of the road Jeff and I are going fast as light Well, we take a break by the river Just on the county line Jeff says, "I will take good care Of your little girl" I said, "What are you doing, Jeff? Don't be crazy!" You could have any girl In this goddamn world! And he just laughs And he says, "I really love her" As we make our way back to the bike Well, I step on the road I don't see the truck coming Jeff shoves me And he saves my life As Jeff lays dying on that road The blood pours out of him Just like red wine He says, "Tell your daughter I love her And I will miss her" And his head falls And he closes his eyes [screams.]
No! He closes his eyes Jeff gave his life for your dad He's the best guy in the world I miss him [sniffs.]
[sobs.]
I miss him I miss him I miss Jeff [whispers.]
Every day [whispers.]
Good night.
I love you.
Welcome to the Old Gun Barn.
What can I do for you, sir? - I am looking for protection.
- Is this your first gun? It is.
I need it for protection.
You've come to the right place.
That there is a Glock 17 semi-automatic 9mm.
It's heavy.
- This is good for self-defense? - One of the best.
Stop right there.
Put your hands up, punk.
Say I didn't clog your toilet.
Say it to my face, punk.
- I don't know about this one.
- What did you want this for? Self-defense.
If you say so.
Here.
Try this one.
This is one of our most popular handguns.
Oh, it's nice.
Well, well, well.
Make my day, lady at Red Robin, who said the men's restroom was off-limits for me.
Say you were joking.
Say I am allowed back in Red Robin, and I didn't do an absolute paint job in the men's restroom.
- Something more powerful? - Are you sure this is for protection? Yes.
- Good enough.
- Yes.
- Try this puppy on for size.
- OK.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Greyhound bus driver, who told everyone I took a dump so bad we had to turn the bus around and go back to New Haven.
Yeah, I went in there, but I'm not the one who did the paint job.
I saw who did it.
He was huge, and he looked nothing like me.
He was wearing a captain's hat.
But you told everybody it was me.
Even George Lopez, who was hitching a ride with us because his tour bus broke down.
Announce that it wasn't me! Announce it was the man in the captain's hat! This is good.
I like this one.
- If you like this - I do.
check this one out.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the maid at the La Quinta Inn that made such a big deal about what I did to the toilet.
I said I would take care of it myself.
It didn't have to become a huge screaming match in Spanish in the hall, in front of all the other customers, including George Lopez.
And maybe now you won't have the manager make me get in the shower and clean myself off before you consent to clean the toilet.
I don't even know why he's allowed to do that! - That's good.
- Oh, man! Did that really happen? - No.
- You know what's cool about this gun? - What? - You can put a silencer on it.
- Oh.
- Yeah! Check this out.
- This makes it quieter? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Try that.
- OK.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the manager of New Haven's puzzle room.
Remember me? I'm the guy who solved all the clues, but you still wouldn't let me out of the puzzle room.
And then I accidentally used the fake men's room.
And you brought everyone in and showed them, because the fake toilet didn't flush.
And then you said, in front of everyone, "Who does puzzle room by themselves? It's a corporate team building exercise for work colleagues.
" And I said, "I like puzzles.
" And you said, "Here's a puzzle, dick weed! Why don't you try to get that real crap out of that fake toilet without getting it all over yourself?" Yeah, buddy, I never do this but I can't sell you a gun.
Sure.
I understand.
- Can I use your bathroom? - No.
- What if I promise not to do a paint job? - Get out.
OK.
See you.
[man.]
Good morrow.
May I use your bathroom?
[laughter.]
[Tim.]
So I look at him and I say, "If he works here, I'm definitely not eating here!" Why don't you tell us another story, Tim? [shouts.]
No! Uh-uh.
No.
I've been telling you guys stories all damn night.
Why don't one of you tell me a story? Go.
When I was a small, small boy, I had big, big muscles.
- [Tim.]
Yes? - [man.]
Oh, yeah.
I mean, forget about it! Who's that tall drink of water that just came in? That? That's Sammy Paradise! Old Two Eyes himself.
Can I take your hat and coat? You can do more than take them, kid.
You can keep them.
Wow! Thank you, Mr.
Paradise! Lady Luck They call her Lady Luck When she kisses me, I'm in heaven I'm as lucky as lucky seven Champagne, Mr.
Paradise? I'll take your oldest bottle, extra bubbles! Shake it up, and just let it spill, baby! - This floor could use a little grease! - Yes, sir, Mr.
Paradise! Cha-ching! She's a dame who's fine Ka-pow! And she's mine, oh, mine Lady Luck I'll take a steak.
The usual.
- Rare? - Not rare, one of a kind! And give it to my friend here.
He looks hungry.
Thanks, Mr.
Paradise! Zowee! She's the girl with the most Ka-powee! And I'm her host Lady Luck Thanks for the rib-eye, pally.
Here's a tip find a new line of work! Here's another tip a cool grand.
Wowee! Thanks, Mr.
Paradise! Good fortune Ring-a-ding-dong I can sing to her all night long Lady Luck Make a wish.
Hot dog! Hey! Eyes off the merchandise, pal.
The lady's spoken for.
Lady Luck All bets.
Put it all on seven.
Lady Luck They call her Lady Luck Blow on them, doll.
When she kisses me, I'm in heaven Snake eyes! Snake eyes? Snake eyes? [shouts.]
Oh, no! No! I'm ruined! You! You jinxed them! What? I did not! [shouts.]
Yeah, you did! You owe me 50 grand! I'm broke! I'm a dead man! Sammy, cool it! Take it easy.
Get off me! Hey, fat fuck! That's my steak! I paid for it, I'm eating it! - It's in my throat! - Let's get that puppy out.
Come on, you fat fuck! If I'm dying tonight, I'm eating filet mignon! It's overcooked.
I'm not paying for it.
I want my money back.
It's overcooked.
I don't think so, Mr.
Paradise.
You, give me my grand back, asshole! All right, Sammy.
It don't seem right, but here you go.
Look at that! I'm rich again! Lady Luck They call her Lady Luck - Put it on black! - [craps dealer.]
It's red.
[screams.]
I'm a dead man! Sammy, we should go.
- You were eyeballing my girl earlier.
- Sorry about that.
One night, $1,000.
Anything you want.
Rimming, piss on her, it's all on the table.
Rip her teeth, keep them as souvenirs.
- [shrieks.]
Sammy! - Sir, we have to ask you to leave.
Fine.
That's fair.
I feel like that's fair.
Sure.
I'm just gonna get my quarter.
You saw me put the quarter there.
I'm gonna get that back.
Ow! It burned me! The fountain burned me! It's piping hot! It is not hot, Mr.
Paradise.
Who cares? All right.
Who wants to buy a toupee? It's just the top and one side.
This side's all natural, baby! Oh, Sammy! All right, folks.
I'm going to go in the bathroom and I'm going to suck my own dick.
You guys, pay whatever you think is fair, good? Mr.
Paradise! I'm going in.
The show is about to start! Once the show starts, no one else will be admitted.
[door closing.]
[Sammy.]
Yeah, nobody came in.
I guess I still got to start the show.
[groans.]
Oh, God.
[moans.]
I can't fricking reach! I touched it! [telephone ringing.]
Yeah? Mitchell's Limos.
Uh-huh, we got limos.
No, you're thinking of a hearse.
Hey, fella.
Dumb much? Legendary! You're the king of slams, Rog! Anyway, back to my story.
I picked up a bride and groom the other day, put them in the back, and the groom said And let me guess.
You told them this story and then they jumped out the back! Oh! Oh, I just got slammed by the king of slams! - Oh! That, sir, is an honor.
- [worker.]
It is! Oh, boy! Here comes Morley.
I'm just doing OK.
I got in trouble with my neighbors over the weekend, because I was listening to my jazz too loud.
I'm such a jazz head, right? I've said that.
Notice anything different about me? You kind of grew a mustache? Yeah.
Yeah, just a little weekend project.
Just like Mike's.
Hey, Mike.
All right.
Back to the grind.
[telephone ringing.]
Mitchell's Limos.
We got smiles for miles.
This is Morley speaking.
Hey, Morley.
It's 1981.
We want our mustache back.
Hello? Yeah, it's 1981.
We want our mustache back.
This is me from 1981? Yeah.
I want my mustache back.
Morley, you listen to me, and you listen to me very carefully.
Do not go in the tent with your uncle on the family camping trip.
What happens in there will change your life forever.
God damn it.
Hey, Morley? Are you doing OK, bud? You know what, Steven? Yeah.
Yeah.
I just prevented something very terrible from happening to me.
That's great, Morley.
That's really great.
Thanks, Mike.
You're my best friend here.
Hey, Rog! Rog, do you think I could fit this whole thing in my mouth? That's funny.
That's what your mom asked me last night! King of the slams! [shouts.]
Hold on a damn minute! You spoke to my mother last night? Yeah.
Oh, geez.
Oh, geez.
Hello, Dad? I got good news and I got bad news.
The good news is Mom's still alive.
The bad news is she's sleeping with my boss, Rog, king of the slams.
Yeah.
No, he is very cool.
Yeah.
All right.
We'll talk about it when I get home.
Uncle Dave's not over, is he? Good.
I fucking hate that guy.
[shouts.]
Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir, Sergeant! Affirmative! Affirmative! I love you.
[whispers.]
Say it, say it, say it.
God, this work retreat is so boring.
At least it's almost lunch.
Yeah, first there's music.
Last year we had Bonnie Raitt, and she was so awesome.
Well, this year we've got the Pointer Brothers.
Oh.
Do they do Pointer Sisters songs? I would assume so.
Anything else would be plain stupid.
[male announcer.]
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your warm hands together for the Pointer Brothers! [cheesy pop music playing.]
What are they doing? Ladies and gentlemen, we are the Pointer Brothers.
And by the end of the night tonight, we promise to point to every person in this arena.
Oh, no! That can't be what this is! There's, like, a thousand of us in here.
OK, folks.
Now, here's how it works.
Everybody, stand up.
Once you've been pointed at, sit down.
Otherwise, there's no way for us to keep track.
Or if that doesn't work, throw your hands up.
Wait to be pointed.
Once you're pointed at, throw that hand back down to the ground.
We can't do both.
We got to choose one, guys.
- I kind of like the hand thing.
- And I like mine.
So do they not sing? I think that they just point.
That can't be it! All right, folks.
Who hasn't been pointed at yet? This is a lot harder to keep track of who I pointed at than I thought.
Well, it's not that bad.
I pointed at him him her Don't point at them again.
It makes it less special.
Don't tell me what to do.
All right, folks.
This is going to take a long time! But nobody is leaving this room until they are pointed at.
- [Waggoo.]
Waggoo, Waggoo, Waggoo! - Oh! Who's that? It's Waggoo! Hey, everybody! Waggoo! - Waggoo! - [Pointer Brother #1.]
Waggoo! Oh, my God! Now, Waggoo hates points.
He takes them away.
If Waggoo touches you, that brings your point count back down to zero.
Throw your hand back up and we will re-point you.
And, ladies! Do not let Waggoo touch you.
He's not allowed.
Not allowed.
Do you hear me, Paul? [Waggoo.]
OK, man.
Leave me alone.
Not after what you did.
Now we are going to ask a member of the audience to come up on-stage with us, the Pointer Brothers.
So, ma'am, why don't you come on up here? Hurry, though.
Let's go! Come on! Come on! Hurry up! - [woman.]
There's no stairs to get up.
- Grab my hand.
Come on.
Don't make excuses.
You got to help.
You have to help.
You have to help with it.
You have to help.
You have to help.
Come on, get up! Get up! All right, ma'am.
Have we pointed at you yet? - Yes.
- [shouts.]
Damn it! I was going to point at you, show you how easy it was.
OK.
We have a lot of pointing to do, so go and take your seat.
- There's no stairs to get off the stage.
- Lay down and roll off, then! One of these guys will catch you! - Come on, let's go.
- [shouts.]
Go, now! Pronto! Let's go.
Get off, get off.
Go, go.
[bang.]
Shut the fuck up! - She's fine! - Shut the fuck up, you pieces of shit! - fuck up! - [Pointer Brother #1.]
Do you hear me? [Pointer Brother #2.]
Oh, fuck you! Every man in this audience that didn't try to catch her is a fucking coward! Folks, here we go! [cheesy pop music playing.]
Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the part of the evening when one very lucky member of our backstage crew gets to come out here and bring me a water.
Sharon? Come on, Sharon! - Sharon? Hurry up.
- Come on, Sharon.
Come on, Sharon.
- Where the hell were you? - I was lying down.
What is going on with you? Don't go! I am going to give you the bottle back! - Sharon, right, everyone? - We should fire her, right, folks? - We can't.
- Because of what Waggoo did.
- [Waggoo.]
She talked to me first, man.
- Waggoo, are you still out here? - How many people have you touched? - [Waggoo.]
This whole section.
Damn it, Waggoo! That's going to set us back! God damn it! We're in the weeds now, man! Waggoo, you green piece of shit! Who hasn't been pointed at? - Are you fucking kidding me? - This sucks! - [man in audience.]
You suck! - Oh, fuck you, man! You fucking suck! Any of you fucks want it, fight me, you pieces of shit! You suck! This is your wife.
This is your wife.
That's your wife, man! That's your lady! Fight me! [screams.]
Now! [male announcer.]
You're watching the Tampa Bay Wrestling Association.
Hi there, Tampa wrestling fans.
I'm Rusty Vickers, and tonight we have an exciting match-up.
I am here with Fighting Jake Fletcher.
Jake, tonight is your rematch with Dump Truck Wallace.
The last time you were in the ring together, it was nasty, and he came out on top.
Yep.
Probably the hardest match I've ever had in my life.
But Dump Truck, he tricked me.
He didn't follow the rules.
So this time, Dump Truck, get in the ring with me and face me like a man.
No girlfriend jumping in, no hitting me with a chair.
Just man-on-man, hardcore match.
This time, I am promising you absolute victory on you! [audience cheering.]
[bell ringing.]
How did it go out there? He beat me.
Fair and square.
He agreed to all my terms, didn't need any tricks, nobody jumping in.
Overpowered me.
Simply a stronger man.
He kicked out the back of my legs and I hit my head on the mat hard.
Let's say that guy is better than me.
I don't have to fight him anymore.
But do you know who pisses me off? Cosskie the Russian.
And when I step into the ring with him next week, I'm going to whoop him! This win's for you, America! [bell ringing.]
What happened? I lost pretty bad.
That guy might even be tougher than the first guy.
I had to sit out there while Cosskie torched the American flag.
I didn't like that one bit.
But I got one thing to say to you, Cosskie.
Don't spit on me! It's just a game! What are you? I'll tell you this.
Don't do that to me ever again.
[bell ringing.]
Did he spit on you? Yep.
He kicked me in the head, torched the American flag and spit on me.
My beef's not with you, Cosskie.
I know you can beat me! I was never arguing that.
I think you're awesome.
You're huge and fast.
Everyone can beat me except one guy.
Sheikhzilla.
And when I step in the ring with you next week, it's over! [bell ringing.]
You beat me! Who cares? You been doing it way longer.
But next week, I got a plan.
[bell ringing.]
- How did your plan go, Jake? - It didn't work.
He put me in a choke hold and said, "I'm not letting go until you crap your pants.
" - And then what did you do, Jake? - Crapped my pants.
I had to.
It was that or be choked to death.
But I'll tell you this.
If you do that to me again, I'll crap my pants again.
I choose it every time.
Did he torch the flag, Jake? It goes without saying, Rusty.
But I'll tell you this.
I am down, but I am not out.
Next week, I am going back to Dump Truck Wallace.
[bell ringing.]
He kicked me in the back, hit my head, torched the flag.
Crapped my pants.
But it's not important, what happened this week.
It's about next week, when I get in a steel-cage match with Cosskie, Sheikhzilla and Dump Truck.
And it's a steel cage, so I can't leave! [male commentator.]
Cosskie's got him in a hold.
He's talking to him, asking him something.
Jake's nodding.
He's agreeing to it.
He's crapped his pants, everybody.
Jake's up and mouthing, "Who cares?" Here comes the kick in the back.
They're torching the American flag, ladies and gentlemen! [bell ringing.]
[bird chirping.]
[baby crying.]
Shh.
[whispers.]
There you go.
There you go.
Go to sleep, my little girl.
I can't wait to watch you grow.
I hope you get everything you want out of life.
As you lay your head down To fall asleep I sit and think about your life I hope you have some best friends And a perfect house You'll make a beautiful wife When you are four years old I'm sure you'll fall And hurt yourself on your bike But your dad will be there To pick you up Holding tears back With all my might And as you grow and grow And have your first prom You walk on down those stairs You see your dad And the pride in my eyes And you will know how much I care When you go off to college I will miss you so much I won't know what to do When you get home And you get your dream job I will be so goddamn proud of you You'll meet the man of your dreams He'll be handsome and strong And he'll sweep you off your feet His name will be Jeff He will have a good job And your life will be so complete Jeff rides a motorcycle He takes you for rides And he helps me around the house He even shops for you Will give you tons of gifts He'll buy you your favorite blouse Jeff is so fricking cool And he's so fricking tough He's funny as goddamn hell He cracks me up Just the way he says stuff Fricking Jeff, funny as hell! You're at the bar A man says something to you And Jeff knocks him out With just one punch He stands over the body And stares down at him And he says, "I guess he wanted A knuckle sandwich for lunch" I crack up I say, "Jeff, how did you think of that Right off the top of your head?" Well, Jeff just smiles And he winks and me And kisses my daughter so damn hard So damn hard [whispers.]
So damn hard I'm sitting at home, all alone And Jeff pulls up He wants to take you for a ride On his bike I answer the door And tell Jeff you are not at home You are working late tonight And Jeff lowers his head And he looks real sad And I swear that he might cry I said, "Hey there, Jeff" "Don't be sad I will go with you on that ride" With the wind in our hair As we ride down the street I hold onto his waist so tight Well, the bike and the wind And the rubber of the road Jeff and I are going fast as light Well, we take a break by the river Just on the county line Jeff says, "I will take good care Of your little girl" I said, "What are you doing, Jeff? Don't be crazy!" You could have any girl In this goddamn world! And he just laughs And he says, "I really love her" As we make our way back to the bike Well, I step on the road I don't see the truck coming Jeff shoves me And he saves my life As Jeff lays dying on that road The blood pours out of him Just like red wine He says, "Tell your daughter I love her And I will miss her" And his head falls And he closes his eyes [screams.]
No! He closes his eyes Jeff gave his life for your dad He's the best guy in the world I miss him [sniffs.]
[sobs.]
I miss him I miss him I miss Jeff [whispers.]
Every day [whispers.]
Good night.
I love you.
Welcome to the Old Gun Barn.
What can I do for you, sir? - I am looking for protection.
- Is this your first gun? It is.
I need it for protection.
You've come to the right place.
That there is a Glock 17 semi-automatic 9mm.
It's heavy.
- This is good for self-defense? - One of the best.
Stop right there.
Put your hands up, punk.
Say I didn't clog your toilet.
Say it to my face, punk.
- I don't know about this one.
- What did you want this for? Self-defense.
If you say so.
Here.
Try this one.
This is one of our most popular handguns.
Oh, it's nice.
Well, well, well.
Make my day, lady at Red Robin, who said the men's restroom was off-limits for me.
Say you were joking.
Say I am allowed back in Red Robin, and I didn't do an absolute paint job in the men's restroom.
- Something more powerful? - Are you sure this is for protection? Yes.
- Good enough.
- Yes.
- Try this puppy on for size.
- OK.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Greyhound bus driver, who told everyone I took a dump so bad we had to turn the bus around and go back to New Haven.
Yeah, I went in there, but I'm not the one who did the paint job.
I saw who did it.
He was huge, and he looked nothing like me.
He was wearing a captain's hat.
But you told everybody it was me.
Even George Lopez, who was hitching a ride with us because his tour bus broke down.
Announce that it wasn't me! Announce it was the man in the captain's hat! This is good.
I like this one.
- If you like this - I do.
check this one out.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the maid at the La Quinta Inn that made such a big deal about what I did to the toilet.
I said I would take care of it myself.
It didn't have to become a huge screaming match in Spanish in the hall, in front of all the other customers, including George Lopez.
And maybe now you won't have the manager make me get in the shower and clean myself off before you consent to clean the toilet.
I don't even know why he's allowed to do that! - That's good.
- Oh, man! Did that really happen? - No.
- You know what's cool about this gun? - What? - You can put a silencer on it.
- Oh.
- Yeah! Check this out.
- This makes it quieter? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Try that.
- OK.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the manager of New Haven's puzzle room.
Remember me? I'm the guy who solved all the clues, but you still wouldn't let me out of the puzzle room.
And then I accidentally used the fake men's room.
And you brought everyone in and showed them, because the fake toilet didn't flush.
And then you said, in front of everyone, "Who does puzzle room by themselves? It's a corporate team building exercise for work colleagues.
" And I said, "I like puzzles.
" And you said, "Here's a puzzle, dick weed! Why don't you try to get that real crap out of that fake toilet without getting it all over yourself?" Yeah, buddy, I never do this but I can't sell you a gun.
Sure.
I understand.
- Can I use your bathroom? - No.
- What if I promise not to do a paint job? - Get out.
OK.
See you.
[man.]
Good morrow.
May I use your bathroom?