Night Court (1984) s01e07 Episode Script

You need any help getting that to the table? I have an extremely high metabolism rate.
- Yeah, that'd be my guess.
- It was worse when I was growing up.
For breakfast, Mom would have to fix me a few dozen eggs and a couple of pounds of bacon.
My whole family lived in constant fear.
- Of what? - Grease fire.
- Don't take that pudding.
- Carla, there's plenty more.
No, I mean don't buy it.
I got an extra.
You can have it.
You got an extra bread pudding? I bought two.
I guess my eyes are bigger than my Why don't you let me fill that part in? - You're so clever.
- Yeah, I guess I am.
Well, bye.
Bye.
Thanks, Carla.
- I paid for it.
- That's a switch.
"Why don't you let me fill that part in?" - I beg your pardon? - Oh, "you're so clever.
" Something bugging you? Harry, how could you take pudding from a hooker? I never thought anyone would ask me that question.
You're a judge.
- It's improper.
- Oh, come on.
She's been in our court every day and she's not even on the docket.
- So? - And you know, there's been a fresh rose every night on your bench too.
I noticed.
Thanks.
You thought l That's a laugh.
From me, he thought, you see Excuse me, could you hurry it up? I don't want my fish sticks to get cold.
There's nothing on your plate.
They're in my pocket.
I couldn't take any chances.
- Oh, hi, Dan.
- Hi, Dan.
What's the matter with you? I am depressed.
Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds one of us is gonna be murdered tonight.
That ought to perk him up.
- Hi, gang.
- Hi, judge.
- Oh, hi, judge.
- Oh, Dan, Dan, look at this.
You'll love this.
Squirting flower.
Just 59 cents.
They're having a big sale at the novelty shop.
Wow, thanks.
I better get right down there.
- Dan, are you all right? - He's got the blues.
I don't get the blues.
Jelly Roll Morton gets the blues.
I get devastated.
- The returns must be coming in now, huh? - Yes, they are.
Oh, my God, I almost forgot.
The special election is tonight.
You're up for a city council seat.
You're losing.
That's why you're depressed.
Yes, I am losing, but that's not the depressing part.
Hey, didn't your opponent die two weeks ago? That's the depressing part.
So how bad are you? The body is ahead by 20 percent.
Come on, Dan, you know how unsophisticated the public is.
They don't vote for issues.
They vote for personality.
I've gotta make a call.
Remember when alive was a good thing to be? I need a napkin.
Anybody need anything? - No.
- A fork? Knife? Bull, standing rib roast? Be right back.
- Need a glass of water? - Oh, no, thanks, Carla.
- I just need a napkin.
- Here.
I got condiments too.
Thanks.
A napkin will do.
Thanks a lot.
- Your Honor? - Yeah? I just wanna say that Well, since I started being brought up in front of you I have developed a tremendous respect for our justice system.
- Thanks.
- A very healthy respect.
Yeah, I sense that.
And I have a great deal of respect for you too.
- Well, yeah.
- Then, I've always been attracted to a man in a robe.
That's a fairly common phenomenon.
- Well, enjoy your pudding.
- I'm looking forward to it.
Excuse me.
Do you happen to have a lint brush on you? Miss Williams, anything to say on your defendant's behalf before I pass sentence? Your Honor, although my client has pled guilty I sincerely hope you'll express compassion for this pathetic, miserable, wretched, empty shell of a human being.
That's telling him.
The bench is overwhelmed with mercy.
Let's make it 10 days suspended sentence, and let's take a 10-minute recess.
Your Honor, thank you.
Oh, listen.
I really appreciate what you did for me, and I'd like to thank you.
Don't mention it.
Shall we say, over dinner? - What? - You like seafood? - Your Honor - Harry.
It's recess.
Harry, I just wanted to say that back there in the cafeteria well, maybe I got a little out of line.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
No, I mean, heck, your personal life is your personal life.
And I don't wanna interfere in that.
It's just, you know, a friendly warning.
I mean, maybe I do get a little overprotective at times.
It's just that your position is one of such honor, and I feel that in some ways you know, it's my responsibility and Well, I just hope you understand.
Thank you for listening.
Judge? What's that? A green stick.
- What can I do for you? - I bought that champagne and other stuff.
Are we still having the victory celebration for Dan? Oh, sure.
I think things will turn around once all the returns are in.
Okay.
Oh, I bought white champagne.
Is that right? - Well, let's see.
We're serving it with? - Cheetos.
Perfect.
- Hello.
- Well, hello yourself.
- Got a sec? - What can I do for you? - That's what I was gonna ask you.
- Well, I asked you first.
Your Honor, back in the cafeteria Well, I was trying to tell you something.
Oh, Carla, there's no need to.
- There's not? - No.
We both know what's going on here.
- Then you feel it too? - Oh, no.
Feel I didn't say feel.
No, l I don't I don't feel.
I mean, I feel, but I don't feel what you feel I feel.
- You know what I mean? - No, but I just love hearing you spout nonsense.
- Papers.
Sign them.
Thank you.
We'll talk later.
- Great.
- I have to make some calls so I'm gonna go in here since there's no phone out here.
- That's precious.
- Yeah.
Bye.
What a guy.
What were you two talking about? The judge and I were having a personal discussion.
How personal? What business is it of yours? You're right.
You're right.
It is none of my business.
But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it.
He's not your type.
- But I suppose he's your type.
- He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man.
Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality.
And, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.
Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.
Physical stimulation is not enough.
I won't use gadgets.
That's That's not what I meant.
You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.
- What? - The brain.
Sex takes place between the ears.
You need a bond.
You need a map.
It's open.
No need to break it down.
- Judge Stone? - Yeah.
Come on in.
I was in session down the hall.
Just thought I'd stop by and say hello.
- Judge Robert T.
Willard.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, neat robe.
- I beg your pardon? - How do you keep those bottom pleats from crinkling up? Yes, well Judge Stone.
Some of the other judges and I were talking and, well, we just wanted you to know we're available.
You mean for weddings and stuff? Weddings? Oh, that's very amusing.
Weddings.
- So what do you mean "available"? - We wanted you to Please.
We wanted you to know that we were accessible if you have any questions, need any advice.
Thanks.
Great.
Can I get you a Fresca? - No, thank you.
- I love the stuff but it's a weird name, ain't it? - Yes.
Judge Stone You know what's even weirder than that is I once knew a guy named Fresca.
Judge Stone, I really don't have much time to - Oh, I'm sorry.
You were saying? - I've heard a little about how you operate.
A bit too unconventional, some say.
- A bit of a maverick, perhaps.
- Thanks.
- Harry, if I might call you Harry? - Sure, Bob.
Judge Stone, we are entrusted with a lot of responsibilities in our job.
And, quite frankly, a lot of power.
Now, if we start making a lot of waves, draw a lot of attention to ourselves Well, before you know it, some of that power could be taken away.
Am I making myself clear? Don't rock the boat? Is that it? Harry, don't misunderstand me.
We just think of ourselves as a fraternity.
A club, if you will.
A very exclusive club whose members care about each other.
Harry, we want you to be a member of that club.
I got a lot of neat stuff for the clubhouse.
Yes.
Very good.
I find the defendant guilty, and the fine will be 50 bucks.
See the bailiff on the way out, please.
Next case.
- That's it, Your Honor.
- Then that's a wrap.
Court's adjourned.
More returns? - I assume your opponent is still - Dead.
Yes.
- How's it going? - The cadaver's opened up its lead.
I'm sorry.
I just hope there's no afterlife so he can't gloat.
Yeah, well, keep a good thought.
Dan, I know you know, but if it's of any consolation, I voted for you.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
We all voted for you.
Didn't we? - Right.
- Absolutely.
A secret ballot is our most treasured right afforded us under the constitution, you know.
- Who'd you vote for? - The right of privacy is a guarantee to ensure an open and free election.
Who'd you vote for? We are indebted to our Founding Fathers for creating and granting us this privilege.
Whom did you vote for? I voted for the best man.
I knew it.
Come on, kids, it's party time.
The refreshments are this way.
Judge Stone, so glad I caught you before you left.
We're going in to listen to the returns and have a drink.
Oh, yes, Fielding.
Stiff still whomping you? - Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
- Won't you join us, Judge Willard? Well, just for a second.
I really came by to say that if I came on a little strong earlier, I'd like to apologize.
Oh, forget it.
We all come on a little strong every once in a while.
Surprise! - What are these people doing here? - What are you doing here? - I was supposed to meet him.
- There's been a misunderstanding.
What is going on here? Who is this woman? - You mean the hooker? - Hooker? Yes.
Hooker, prostitute, streetwalker, whatever you wanna call it.
Meretrix? Look it up.
- You lied to me.
- Carla, I didn't lie.
I never said a thing.
- You told me to meet you in your office.
- You don't really think he'd meet a hooker in his office, do you? You wouldn't, would you? Is that it? Everybody had their laughs? Everybody get a kick out of seeing the tart make a fool of herself? - Carla - Stay away from me! - Come on, get dressed and we'll talk.
- Oh, what's the matter? You embarrassed? Well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Hi, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
There.
I threw all my clothes out the window.
At most I was expecting charades.
Harry, do something.
She's right.
This calls for positive action.
- What do you suggest? - Bailiff, take her.
Anybody comes near me, I follow my clothes out.
Understand? "Sex Party in Judge's Chambers Turns Tragic.
" - Great headline, huh? - Make me wanna read further.
Well, come on, everybody, don't just stand around.
Let's party! Bar's open.
That's the spirit.
Come on, people, enjoy yourselves.
Do you mind if I make a phone call? - Whatever turns you on, honey.
- Thank you.
Dan, how could you think of yourself at a time like this? Because I have stood next to death, and people liked him better.
- Well, good luck, Stone.
- Nobody leaves or I jump! I'm not going to stand here and be blackmailed by anyone.
Get your pompous butt back in here, Willard.
Bull, if anyone tries to leave Have a seat.
Harry, why don't I have a talk with her, woman-to-woman? That might help.
- All right, get down off of there.
- Nice start.
- Well, if it isn't the little prude.
- I am not little.
- Or a prude.
- You ever made love with the lights on? Of course I have.
A dimmer doesn't count.
Carla, please come out of the window.
I wonder what it feels like to fly.
You won't like it.
Trust me.
You get bugs in your eyes.
And pigeons push you around.
Come on.
You're wasting our time standing there, fooling around.
I thought fooling around was preferable to the alternative at this point.
You aren't taking her seriously, are you? He's right.
Nobody takes me seriously.
Maybe it's time they did.
A nose-dive in the middle of downtown should do it.
All right, Carla.
Get the hell inside that window and do it now! - Into the rough stuff, huh? - Listen, I apologized.
I offered to talk.
What else can I do? For starters? You can get me a drink.
Good idea.
A drink.
You come over here.
We'll sit down and talk.
- Here.
- Here.
- Here.
- There.
I'll get champagne.
Don't go away.
Operator, please, keep trying.
There must be somebody there.
It's the Fielding for City Council Headquarters.
Yes, the joker who's losing to the corpse.
I'm sure he must be a real nerd.
Carla, listen to me.
I am truly sorry if I said or did anything to mislead you.
You did plenty, all right.
- What did I do? - What did you do? Oh, come on.
Every time I came to court, you smiled at me.
You treated me with respect.
You were generally concerned with my welfare.
Damn it.
You were nice to me.
Carla, for the most part, I'm nice to everybody.
Yeah? Well, you just better get it in your head that everybody in this world ain't used to being treated nice.
And if they are it's because somebody wants something from them.
So when somebody treats you nice, and they don't want anything from you you think they love you.
I thought you loved me.
I know I loved you.
Come on, Stone, this has gone on long enough.
Take a look at her.
She's not going to jump.
No.
She never was.
Then pull her down from there, and let's get out of here.
She's just an emotionally mixed-up woman who thought you were in love with her.
Maybe she's right.
I'm sorry, what did he say? I said, maybe she's right.
- Maybe I am in love with her.
- Harry, what are you doing? I'm trying to look at things realistically.
I mean, I did treat her nice.
Maybe I treated her extra-nice.
I don't know.
Isn't that the thing about our feelings? No, operator, I don't mind.
Sometimes you can't even make sense out of your own.
- Do you know what I mean? - I do.
We all do, especially about love.
When do you fall in love with somebody? When do you think you're in love with somebody? When do you start to love? And when is it complete? I don't know any more about love than the next guy.
I don't know if anybody does.
But I do know that if someone told me that they loved you I wouldn't have to ask why.
Your Honor, l I just I always wanted to do that to somebody.
- Stone, mind if I go now? - Not at all, Judge Willard.
Oh, by the way, about that club of yours? I don't really think I'm interested.
I mean, you know, no secret handshakes or anything.
Judge Stone, I'm not really sure you're fit to wear that robe.
I think you're right.
Selma, can you help out a lady in distress here? Honey, I've got some clothes in my locker you can wear on the way home.
What size are you? Seven.
Extra-shriveled.
Listen, everybody.
I wanna apologize for acting like a real fool.
Oh, no.
Forget it.
It could have happened to any of us.
Well, most any of us.
Judge Stone Thanks for the dignity.
Thanks for the pudding.
All the precincts have now reported in, and it's official.
The 13th district city council seat has been won by the late Edward Barnes.
Barnes, who would have been 52 next January, pulled off a stunning upset in what many insiders felt was a sure bet for the live candidate.
That candidate, assistant district attorney Dan Fielding, ha Sorry, Dan.
So am I, Dan.
I really am.
You know, I think this just goes to show you how really uninformed the public is.
Why, I bet they didn't even know the man they were voting for was dead.
They knew.
They knew.
- The cake? - Oh, here it is.
- What's that? - You'll see.
Well, we had reason to believe you'd win.
In any case, we just wanted to show you how we felt about you.
There's writing on it.
"Dan, Dan, he's our man.
If he can't do it, no body can.
" That's very touch Thank you.
I'll treasure it always.