Night Court (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock,
and you made it during Abby Hour.
All decisions half-price.
- Judge, are you limping?
- A bit.
I got a little hit by a cab.
And somehow, the driver
got angrier than I did.
So still getting the hang
of New York, huh?
You know what they say
You're not a real New Yorker
until you pay the guy
who just ran you over $45
to drive you to the hospital.
No, you're not a real New Yorker
until you buy a rattrap,
a hammer, and an egg sandwich
from a bodega at 1:00 a.m.
First up, the People vs. Caroline Kratz.
The defendant is charged
with disorderly conduct
for bringing an uncontained
animal onto the subway.
Your Honor, there's a very simple
and extremely legal
explanation for this.
It was a service animal.
It was a horse.
A mini-horse. Nay, a
seeing-eye mini-horse.
And according to New York vs. Pongo,
mini-horses are allowed
on public transit.
Obviously, I got to get a look
at this guy.
Upstate, I used to guess
horse sizes at the county fair.
And that one is a "big."
Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial.
I've just learned that
the defendant and Ms. Moore
have an existing relationship.
They share a daily commute
the 5:42 downtown six train
at Hunter College Station.
Slow down. I think we just blew
right past the big news here.
That the allegedly blind
defendant just recognized me?
Oh, no, no, no.
She didn't recognize you.
The horse did.
That's my daily commute, too.
Olivia, we're subway buddies.
Really? Well, that's crazy.
Can't believe we haven't
seen each other.
I've seen both of you
a bunch of times.
Well, you're not helping.
You know what? We just plead guilty.
How do you put up with her?
I just need a table for one.
Can't you squeeze me in this weekend?
Oh, wait, wait. Did I say
that my name is Dan Fielding?
Uh, I meant, uh, it's
Dame Judi Dench.
Can't get a table at a restaurant?
Ah, it's not just any restaurant.
It's Chromosomme.
Oh! I heard about that place.
They use science to design
your perfect meal
based on a cheek swab, a hair sample,
and a secret you swore
to take to the grave.
The only chance I have to get
in there is during the week,
but we're always leaving here late.
I'm all in favor of Abby's
empathetic justice,
but not when it gets
between me and a risotto
that was genetically
engineered for my tongue.
Well, at least you're not gonna have her
following you around on the subway,
trying to make chitchat
with her big hick energy.
Yeah, the judge
isn't good on the subway.
I rode with her once.
She held the pole and then
touched her face so many times.
There's my twin sixter.
'Cause we both take the six train.
- She gets it.
- Yeah, we got it.
And I watched you stand outside
in the hall
till you thought of it.
I'm so excited to spend
some more time together.
You could show me the ropes.
I'm still a "Newb Yorker."
Okay, that one I can't take credit for.
Someone screamed it in my face
when I said "bless you"
after they sneezed on me.
I think I'm gonna have to
take the earlier train.
Yeah, sure. Or you know what?
You could move to Denver.
I bet you there are probably
lawyers there, too.
Oh, sorry. People are animals.
Olivia! Hi.
Oh, good. You took the early train, too.
I was worried we'd miss each other
and our work and private lives
would stay separate.
Well, apparently, my lease says my super
gets to shower in my apartment
on Tuesday nights,
so I like to give him his space.
Classic.
- So, are you, um
- We probably shouldn't talk.
There's a serial killer in the city
who targets women who are friends.
No, they caught that guy.
I know 'cause he's my brother.
Oh. I like your earrings.
Keep it in your pants, perv.
What are you doing?
Don't talk to people.
Also, don't make eye contact.
Or offer anyone candy.
- Even on Halloween?
- You stay inside on Halloween!
I love this.
I'm getting an Olivia
master class on New York City.
Promo code fuhgettaboutit.
Oh!
We're having a minor technical issue.
Hang tight, everyone.
Well, that's bonus subway buddy time.
So there's really no chance
your brother's on this train?
Okay, I talked to the driver,
and there's no update
on the maintenance issue.
Also no update on the air-conditioning.
Here's a list of other things
there's no update on.
Here's an update You're not helpful,
and everyone can see your nipples.
Things are getting tense.
Oh, you're not gonna freak out, are you?
You should know, I do not hold hands.
I'm okay. Everything's gonna be fine.
Sure, we've been cut off
from the societal norms
that maintain order,
but we're bonded together
by something even stronger
innate human decency.
Stay back, you jackals.
It's my job to deliver this food,
and the restaurant's run by the mob.
There's nothing you can do to me
that they won't do worse.
Okay, when the rats come
for us and they will
I will sell out every last one of you.
I'm sure the decency
will set in any minute now.
Nope. We're screwed.
Nothing's holding this together.
The norms are gone.
It's subterranean law.
Give me your bag.
What? I can't make a shiv
out of any of this!
Where's Olivia?
I don't have the time or energy
to learn new names.
You understand what I mean,
right, champ?
The six train broke down.
So Abby and Olivia might not make it.
- We had to find some people to fill in.
- All rise.
Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2
is now in session.
The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding.
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
That is some good chicken noodle. Mmm!
Is it just me or does this guy
have a real, like,
substitute-teacher vibe?
Uh, just an FYI, I have judge's elbow.
So I'm gonna be making
the gavel sound with my mouth.
You know, if we work together,
we might be able to get, uh,
old Judge Chicken Noodle there
to do whatever we want.
I may make it out in time
to go to Chromosomme after all.
And I can go to the strip club at night,
when it's like a strip club in a movie.
Not during the day,
when it's like a strip club
in a documentary.
Uh, excuse me. What's the Wi-Fi here?
I need it to look up case files.
Also, does anyone have
a Netflix password I can borrow?
Also for case stuff.
Or we may not have to
do anything at all.
I better call Russ and tell him
to get the champagne room ready.
You see Russ, tell him I said hi.
You do know I'm going
to a male strip club, right?
Yeah, I had a job before this.
Maybe you need something else
to focus on.
I have this great game
called "Crab Attack."
Oh, right, my phone's
been locked with ransomware
ever since I downloaded "Crab Attack."
Don't act like you're the calm one.
I'm the calm one. I'm in control.
Unless control is an illusion.
I mean, I can't control
the subway breaking down
or that the universe
is constantly expanding
and I still can't afford
a one-bedroom in it!
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
- That was my seat.
- Your seat?
I didn't realize I was on the
train with Princess Von Bench.
Whoa! Let's just not forget
our innate human decency.
Abby, stay out of this.
Well, someone's got to do something.
- This place is coming apart.
- This is not court.
They don't have to listen to you.
You're right. It's not court.
But it could be. We should have a trial.
I mean, this is just a simple dispute.
We can figure this out together.
It'll give us something else
to think about.
You know, I'm actually a judge.
Does anyone else
have any legal experience?
I played a dead body on "Law & Order."
We've all played a dead body
on "Law & Order."
You know, "Law & Order"
is the longest-running show
with an ampersand in the title.
Okay, okay. You like saying things.
You can be the clerk.
And I'm getting some real bailiff vibes
from the way you're guarding that pizza.
Olivia, would you like
to be the counsel?
You could think of it as work.
Work is good. I can control work.
Yeah, and you could go up against
the greatest opponent of all.
- The sun?
- No. Yourself.
You could play both sides.
I'm in.
And so am I.
You know I'm not gonna do a voice.
Oh, yes! I got a reservation!
I've only got one case left.
I can get there early
and laugh at people
who tested positive for salads.
You'll never guess
who's in the courthouse.
Olympic figure skaters
turned commentators
turned maybe murderers.
I don't know why they here.
Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.
They're witnesses in the last case.
Apparently, a figure skater
hot-wired a Zamboni
and tried to smush his competition.
Abby would have loved meeting those two.
She's a huge figure-skating fan.
Oh! Maybe we can stall
until she gets here.
Stall? Are you crazy?
I've got a dinner reservation.
So your fancy dinner is more
important than your friend?
This is not just a dinner.
This is a meal that Scientific American
called a "heinous waste of stem cells."
Fine. I don't need you.
I can slow this court down on my own.
Careful, Gurgs,
you're messing with powers
that you couldn't possibly understand.
I have no idea what that means,
but I'll figure it out.
So we doing this case or not?
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
Don't make me choose a side.
You're both my friends.
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
Are we ready to begin?
Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are,
and there's nothing
anybody can do to stop us.
Uh-oh. This says my wife called.
And it's an emergency.
Well, it always is with that one.
Anyway, let's start.
Bang, bang!
So that's your great
stalling move, Gurgs?
You know, I expected more from you.
What can I say, Dan?
I'm all out of moves.
Okay, Clerk, call the last case.
- Where's the clerk?
- Well, look at that.
I had more moves.
We don't need Neil.
He's just a sentient clipboard anyway.
I can call the case.
I wish that were true, Your Honor,
but it's like the regular judge says,
"You can't work without a clerk."
Well, that does rhyme.
You might as well get comfortable, Dan.
You're gonna be here a while,
because I can assure you there's
no way you're finding Neil.
Hello, Neil.
Hiding a clerk in women's holding
the oldest trick in the book.
Don't call me Neil.
Linda says my name is Sweets now.
This man bothering you, Sweets?
Would you please open
this door, let him out?
Come on, Sweets.
I can't. My legs are asleep.
Man, this meal better be worth it.
Get up, get up, get up. What Hey!
I'm sorry. Gurgs said if
I didn't help her,
she'd tell everyone where I do stand-up.
Well, that's more of a threat
to us than to you.
Well, well, well.
Looks like the Penn
has become the Teller.
You have gone too far.
You can't lock me in here
with Neil and
these charming ladies.
Looks like it's Linda's lucky day.
Sweets and Sour.
Uh, uh
Six Train Downtown Local
is now in session.
The honorable judge This Lady presiding.
Alright, let's "baguette" it on.
Your Honor, the defendant
brazenly stole this woman's seat
when she stood to stretch.
And we all know the rule
If the butt's still near,
I'm a-sittin' here.
Don't be fooled by the
prosecution's big-city rhymes.
Yeah, I'll give it to her, she
is gorgeous and well-dressed.
But the facts are on my side.
I recall at the time of the event,
I had a clear view
of the butt and the seat,
and there was separation.
But surely some amount
of separation is acceptable.
Maybe some separation,
but it's six inches, tops.
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to
commandeer your sandwich
in the name of justice.
It's more than six inches.
Objection! The sandwich
has a bite out of it.
I'll allow it.
Look, I'm not unreasonable.
I'd give up my seat to
an old lady or someone pregnant.
Interesting you'd say that.
What if I told you Rita is pregnant?
That's right. I do have sex.
Let me ask you,
- what's the due date?
- They're always wrong.
- Gender?
- It's a post-gender society.
What'd you have for lunch today?
- Sushi and bologna.
- Gross!
But also, gotcha.
Pregnant women can't eat
either of those things.
Fine. I don't actually have sex.
Happy now?
The jury has returned the verdict.
And they have decided
that the pregnant one
and nipples should kiss.
You know what? I'll just rule.
On the charge of subway seat
theft, I find the defendant
No. Stop the train! Stop the
We haven't heard which one of me won!
You're in luck, Judge.
This court has the largest
active VHS collection
in the continental United States.
And once Alaska falls,
we'll stand alone.
Oh, there are some good flicks in here.
Now, where's the remote?
'Cause I like to fast-forward
through the scary parts.
- Looking for this?
- How did you get out?
I jimmied the lock with
the underwire from Linda's bra.
Well, I anticipated your escape,
and that's why I scheduled
a tornado drill
to start in 3, 2
One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs,
is I have powerful friends
in the Tornado Marshal's office,
and I rescheduled that drill
till your birthday,
just as they wheel out the cake.
Something you overlooked is, last year,
I wished for no tornado drills
on my birthday.
- But now you said the wish out loud.
- You monster.
I'll give it to you, Gurgs.
You know how this place works.
But nobody knows it better than me.
Then you know there's
a water main behind that wall,
and if it were to somehow break,
the cleanup would be
quite time-consuming.
Where's the remote?
This is one of those scary parts.
Gurgs, I'm not gonna try and stop you,
because unlike the wife
of the man who built this place,
you love this building too much
to put an ax in its chest.
You win, Dan. Enjoy your dinner.
I hope your scallops are saltier
than Abby's tears
when she hears she missed a chance
at meeting ice-skating royalty.
There won't be any scallops.
I already know that my personalized menu
will rely heavily
on an endangered species.
It's always been a dream of mine
to eat the last of something.
Hi. Dan Fielding.
I just want to say that
I have a great deal of respect
for Olympics athletes.
Your ability to work only once
every four years incredible.
Now, this is a man with presence.
It's like a daring mix of stateliness
and "I couldn't care less" energy
that is just so exciting to watch.
Well, he's known as the bad boy
of the courtroom
- for a reason, T.
- Mm-hmm.
The passion, the fire, the pageantry.
- You know, we live for pageantry.
- For pageantry.
Wow. Wonderful.
So may I ask what you two were
talking to our bailiff about?
She asked us to stick around
for her friend,
but, I mean, if we stayed
every time a bailiff
asked us to meet someone,
we'd never have time to form
this remarkable friendship.
Also, full disclosure,
we have an early breakfast
with Michelle Kwan and Ewan McGregor.
Have I said too much?
Ah, don't No, don't worry.
We'll get you out of here so fast
that you'll be accused of cheating.
You know what I mean? Okay.
Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry
that Abby is gonna not be here.
But, you know, meeting your
heroes isn't always great.
When I was 10,
I met my favorite astronaut,
and she screamed and bit my hand.
But in the commander's defense,
she was a squirrel monkey.
I get that meeting a celebrity
might not be a big deal
for someone who's met some of
our nation's greatest monkeys.
But it's hard being new in town.
Your whole life, you hear about
how magical New York is,
and when you get here, it's just
scaffolding and weird puddles.
And when something magical
finally does happen,
like Macho Man Randy Savage
coming to your courtroom,
well, you miss it 'cause it's
the one day you took off work
and no one even bothers to page you.
Your hero is Macho Man Randy Savage?
Oh, yeah!
I I just wanted to look out for Abby
the way I wish someone
had looked out for me.
Last case People vs. Shawn Pierce.
I see here the defendant
is pleading no contest
to misdemeanor assault.
Based on the witness statements
provided by national treasures
Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir
Hey! I will let the defendant
off with a $100 fine.
- Case dis
- Your Honor, the defense
would like to call a time-out.
But I was about to make my gavel noise.
Whoa. Dan Fielding making
a bold and daring move.
No one was expecting this.
Let's listen in.
Will he stick this landing?
We're gonna be amending
our plea to not guilty
and calling a bunch of witnesses,
so if anybody has a pre-paid and
pre-tipped dinner reservation,
well, they can kiss that goodbye.
So for our first witness,
we'd like to call
man sucking milk out of the bag.
For your first time
getting stuck on a subway,
you handled it pretty well.
Honestly, it wasn't that different
from when I was trapped in a corn maze.
That scarecrow and I
had some good times.
Though I think, on some level,
we both knew what we had was fleeting,
and that's what made it so special.
Well, you definitely kept it
from getting ugly in there.
So you think this gets me closer
to being a real New Yorker?
Eh, who knows what
a real New Yorker even is?
All I know is,
this is a city of weirdos,
and your relentless positivity
makes you one of the weirdest
people I ever met.
Olivia, thank you.
You're gonna be just fine.
- Fine enough to be your subway buddy?
- No.
You don't know the defendant at all,
but your parents named you
Stefanie with an "F."
Why don't you take us all down
that road for a second.
I've heard enough. Defense rests.
Hold on. I have a question.
Johnny, Tara, do you think
it's too late for me
to learn how to skate?
Abby, look who's here.
- Abby Stone?
- Tara, Johnny, hi!
Flawless entrance.
Nobody walks into a room
better than Abby Stone.
Wait a minute. You know each other?
Of course. I see them
every year at Freezing Man.
It's like Burning Man
but for winter sports,
and instead of drugs,
we're high on ice pageantry.
So hold on a second.
You made me miss the meal of a lifetime
so that Abby could meet people
she's already met?
For a conversation I overheard
her having with someone else,
I got pretty close.
Oh, we've got to go.
Some idiot gave up their
reservation at Chromosomme.
Ooh! Would you like to join us
for dinner, Your Honor?
Oh, hell yeah!
Bang, bang! Court is adjourned.
Here. You can have my chicken noodle.
Let's go, let's go. Excuse me.
I'm sorry you missed
your special dinner.
But as a friend, I think I know
you better than science, so
Gurgs, hog's head cheese,
stewed chicken feet, fried gizzards.
Oh! It's a feast fit for a king.
These are all the weird swamp delicacies
you grew up on in Louisiana.
You know what?
I'd call your description rude,
but my favorite restaurant growing up
was called Swamp Delicacies.
Oh. It was very fancy.
You could pick your own
live gator from a tank.
Hey, guys, I just wanted
to say thank you so much
for stalling court for me.
It was Yo, are those gizzards?
- Yes!
- Let me in there!
Come on, sit down.
Feet for everybody. Ha-ha!
- Come on.
- Mnh-mnh.
I ain't Ugh!
- City folk.
- City folk.