No Tomorrow (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Uh, yeah, your credit card was declined.
We're repo agents.
You owe us $93,000, Mr.
Holliday.
Your stuff got repossessed? I'm probably gonna have to find a new place to live.
- Evie.
- Yeah? Oh! Good news.
The asteroid isn't coming? (Laughs) Yes, it is.
By some miracle, I got the security deposit back on my house.
Now you put that with everything else I managed to scrape together and I got a new place.
A place so great, I'm never gonna have to pay rent again.
Really? How? Ah.
Behold.
It's a trailer.
Precisely.
In front of my house.
Well, at the moment, but that's the fun part; it's fully mobile.
And it has a sleeper sofa and a camping stove.
What more do you need? You want to break it in? - (Smooches) - Mm-hmm.
(Squeals) (Evie laughs) (Xavier groans) Hi, Mr.
Casey.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Uh, can I call you Cory? I mean, Casey, I mean Cory.
Cory, Cory.
Who's Casey? Or is it Cory, Cory, Cory? It's Cory Casey Cybermart's billionaire CEO.
He's coming by the warehouse today to make some sort of announcement.
- Wow, a billionaire.
- (Sighs) Well, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Yeah.
He said once he made his first $800 million, the next $200 million didn't really change him that much.
I've been up all night rereading his autobiography again.
I'm going to, um, casually pepper our conversation with his interests and then finally convince him to put me on the CyberHugs team.
You know, he loves, uh, '60s space rock, renovating private jets, and vacationing with the Olsen twins.
I'm gonna go with '60s space rock as my way in.
Probably the best bet.
Yeah.
But I don't understand.
Why don't you just lobby Deirdre for the job? Well, you're not a leader.
People don't listen when you talk.
You're too timid.
You don't motivate people.
You lack confidence.
You You know, I just have to think bigger.
Yeah, I like it.
Go straight to the top.
So, when's your meeting with him? Hmm, there is no meeting.
He's a very hard man to get a one-on-one with, which is why I have a plan.
At around 11 a.
m.
, Cory will pull into his reserved spot.
Hank's the lookout.
He'll give the signal to me and Kareema.
Yes! Then I make my move.
Hi Mr.
Casey.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
My name is Evie Covington and I've worked for Cybermart for eight years.
I am a huge fan of yours, especially the CyberHugs initiative.
With Hank and Kareema's help, I'll have exactly 30 seconds from the car to the door to make my pitch for why he should put me on the CyberHugs team.
And that is why I believe I would be a huge asset to the CyberHugs team, not unlike how Grace Slick joined Jefferson Airplane and propelled them to the annals of rock history.
A '60s space rock reference, nice! (Laughs) I got to say, I have literally never been more impressed in my entire life.
Welcome to the CyberHugs team, Evie.
(Laughs) Here's a check for eleventy kadillion dollars to spend on the charities of your choosing.
I'm sorry, did you say kadillion? It's a fantasy.
Anyway, that's my plan for today.
- What about you? - (Sighs) Well now that I have a place to live, I just need to get some income so I can get myself out of this financial quandary.
So I'm gonna go down to Pike's, sell some of my paintings.
Hey, you want to catch up after you land your dream job? You really think I'm gonna land it? Yeah, of course.
Aw, I love you.
You know, it just slipped out.
That's why I do Kegels.
Maybe he just didn't hear me.
You know, but if I say it again, and he did hear me and just isn't ready to say it yet, (whispering): it'll be twice as embarrassing.
- Love is the worst.
- Oh, I know.
It's like doing ecstasy, seems like a fun idea, then suddenly you're at the top of the Space Needle, puking into some tourist's cleavage.
Well, what did you do last night? Nobody.
Were you with Sofia? She's irresistible like shoplifting a vibrator.
What? Well, you already have a hiding space.
- You just stash and dash.
- The operation is a go.
I repeat, the op is a go! What? Why didn't you give us the signal?! You didn't even, like, let us know.
I was doing the - (Stammering) - Oh, no.
Hi, Mr.
Casey.
Ooh.
Uh hi, Mr.
Casey.
Voice mail.
(Woman speaking indistinctly over phone) Okay.
Hi, Mr.
Cory.
I mean, Mr.
Casey! My name is Evie Covington and I'm eight years I mean I've been w-w-working at Cybermart - for eight years, and - That looks really heavy.
Let me give you a hand with that.
Greg.
No, I could be Grace Slick! And what I mean by that, sir, is that - That's enough, Evie.
- (Alarm rings) I'll take it from here.
Right this way, sir.
(Sighs) XAVIER: Right this way, folks.
End-of-the-world art, out-of-the-world prices.
XAVIER: How about you? Interested? No? Okay.
How about you, ma'am? You no? Okay.
How about you, mate? I'll give you 12 for that one.
Ah, I was sort of thinking a - bit more like 50.
- Fifteen? No, like 50.
Like five, zero.
No, I heard you say 50.
I said 15.
O kay.
Right.
Sorry, man, it's just the perfect vintage frame for my Bill Murray cross-stitch and your art's a bit graphic for me.
- Is it? Oh.
- Maybe you should make something more like that.
Everyone loves the Seattle Street Poet.
Oh.
Yeah I'm pretty sure that guy doesn't make any money.
(Sighs) (Moaning, panting) We, uh we can't continue fornicating in the workplace, especially with the CEO on site.
- Definitely.
- Oh, my God.
Definitely.
But are you sure? Well, it's un professional and-and we're bound to get caught eventually.
Oh, yeah.
But is it really unprofessional, though? I mean, it's not like it's affecting our work.
(Inhales and exhales) Man, it's chilly out here.
Could you hand me my pants, please? EVIE: Hey.
- You okay? - HANK: Yeah.
Psh.
I'm okay.
I mean, I got my pants on.
- (Laughs) - Why are you being weird? Would you say I'm being weird, Evie? Come on.
Psh psh.
I'm being norm okay, you're right.
I have something to tell you.
I mean, I think I shouldn't tell you, - but I feel like I should tell you.
- Okay.
Timothy's dating Fernberger.
- Whoa.
- Whoa Actually, I think I'm okay with that.
Am I okay with that? Yeah yeah, I'm yeah, I'm okay with it.
So, that's why you've been so preoccupied at work.
That-that, yup.
That is the reason.
Psh, man feels so good to get that off my shoulders.
Thank you for telling me, Hank.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Put her there.
Kareema says I should stop doing that with you.
I just want to be cool.
You guys won't let me You-You're cool in your own Evie way, it's cool.
CORY: Attention, Cybermart employees.
Attention Cybermart employees.
The future who knows what it will bring? I do.
I will be announcing a new vision for the future of Cybermart at a launch party this weekend at my new satellite office right here in Seattle, the birthplace of Cybermart.
It will astound you those of you who are invited, anyway.
I'm sending out invitations now.
(Cell phone beeps) (Laughs) All that the rest of you need to know is that there will be no new layoffs.
Yes! Because we haven't yet figured out a way to replace your specific jobs with robots.
All in due time.
For now, we've come up with other ways to tighten the belt.
We are moving to one-ply T.
P.
and switching to powdered water.
Oh, and also, I'm cutting CyberHugs.
WOMAN (gasps): Oh.
Welcome to the future.
Wow, things are really shaping up in here.
Yeah, I'm still working out the kinks.
Uh I'll return your plunger after.
That's cool, you can keep it.
So, how'd today go? Did you get the job? There is no job anymore.
Cory Casey cut CyberHugs.
Oh not good.
Nope.
It's the second time today that I've put myself out there and not really gotten the response I was hoping for.
Well, if I know you, you're gonna come up with a new way to win over this guy with two first names.
Well, uh i-if you look at the raw data, you know, CyberHugs isn't adding much value to the company but I dug a little deeper and it turns out a significant percentage of our customers buy things from Cybermart because they believe in CyberHugs.
God, I love it when you talk data.
I just have to emphasize that to Cory somehow.
Anyway, how were sales today? Well, I sold one frame.
But it's enough to buy great Indian take-out.
Nothing turns the day around like a mango lassi.
I would love to, but I have dinner plans with my sister tonight.
But why don't you join us? Um, I don't know.
Mary-Anne's not exactly my biggest fan.
What? Well, how can you tell? Maybe the fake smile? These briefs are really tickling my bits.
It's fine.
I'm not everyone's cup of mango lassi, and I'm fine with that.
Well, I'm-I'm not.
Not when it comes to my sister.
But you get that, right? I mean, you really wanted me and Jesse to get along.
Yeah, absolutely.
No, hey, if it's important to you, it's important to me.
I'll come over and give it my best shot.
How bad can it be? I mean, it looks like a real burger.
Completely.
I'm glad we're trying this.
Fun Fern Fact, a distant cousin of hers - started this whole chain.
- Oh.
But every picture has its story And every river has its stream (Clears throat) Well, um Well, at least they have a good hemp beer selection.
So how are things going with the human Fernberger? Great! Yeah, she's fun and she's sweet, and, uh, she's into me sexually.
- Oh.
- It's been a nice boost.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna prune that Fern all night! Yeah! No more "Heartbreak Timothy.
" Because in addition to being a newly awakened animal in the sack, I also have huge career news.
Drum roll! - Oh! - MAN: Ow! - Hey, watch it.
- I'm sorry.
Anyway, I'm doing a STEVEN-Spiel.
- What?! - Yeah, it's like a TED Talk, but, you know, not copyrighted.
What?! That is fantastic! T-S Eliot.
What's it about? It's about the intersection of nature, technology and sex.
Oh, like when robots go out, and they, like, hump in the woods.
- What? - Yeah.
Anyway, it could really take my career to the next level.
Okay, so why do you look like you just ate an entire Fernburger? Just a little nervous.
Y-You may know this, but I can be a little soft-spoken in groups.
A little bit.
And as the head count goes up, my volume goes down.
The auditorium holds 600 people.
(Whistles) Wow.
Thank you.
You know, a lot of people say that risotto looks like mucus.
But I disagree.
(Whispering): That's the smile.
So, do you guys like this place? When I was picking up the food, I noticed they're hiring.
Um, you know what? Xavier is actually a very talented artist, and just started selling his paintings.
That reminds me, I need to call the painters back.
Thank you.
I thought Chris was gonna take care of that before he left town again, but nope.
I swear, it's like he's never even here.
Have you noticed that? Call the painters back.
They gave us an estimate of five grand to repaint the house.
I'm just gonna tell 'em, you know what, forget it.
- I'll do it for two.
- 2,000? - Really? - Yeah.
Sure, why not? You need your house painted, I need a job it's ideal.
No, sure, that would be great.
Thank you.
Great.
I'll be at your house first thing in the morning.
Morning.
Mm.
first thing, huh? 10:45.
We've done, like, a dozen things already.
Well, it's my first thing.
Apart from getting these pastries.
Would you like one? Oh, yeah, no.
We're a gluten-free, low-sugar, no-preservative household, so there's probably nothing in there for us, but thanks.
Um, I put the paint over there by the door.
I got four cans of cottage white and one can of fuchsia for the trim.
Oh, great.
Fuchsia.
Cool color.
Yeah, it's my favorite, actually.
In college, my hair was that color, if you can believe it.
- I cannot.
- Yep.
When I was in an all-girl punk band called Lady Sewage.
(Screaming) - Rock on.
- Okay Tucker, get your backpack.
We've got a very busy day ahead of us, so let's get moving.
Choo-choo! Um, Mary-Anne, do you mind if I say something? Okay.
You should slow down a bit, you know? You're so caught up with your schedule, you're not enjoying this beautiful morning.
Maybe you should let the inner punk rocker steer for a bit, you know? Just see where the day takes you.
Right, well, children need routine.
And one good way to enjoy the morning is to wake up before 10:00 A.
M.
Right, guys? Thanks again for painting the house.
No worries.
I can't believe you're doing work that isn't actual work, just to try and get a job and have more work.
This speech is gonna save Cyberhugs.
And how do you plan on delivering that speech to Cory Casey when you're not invited to the party? Bu getting Deirdre to take me as her plus-one.
Have you noticed how bad she is with names? So I just fired Melinda.
Yeah, I can use that and convince her she needs me at this party.
Plus, I've done a lot for Deirdre lately.
- You know, she owes me.
- KAREEMA: Mm.
Speaking of romance, how's the whole "I love you" met with total panic-inducing silence situation going? - No update.
- Awkward.
WOMAN (over p.
a.
): Sebastian Stone to the break room.
But, you know, one crisis at a time.
You know what, I have to go find Deirdre.
Bye.
Good luck, Little Orphan Plannie.
(Indistinct chatter) Somebody in there? Popcorn! It's my favorite.
- (Clears throat) - Cool.
So listen, I know you're going to Cory's party tomorrow night, and I was wondering if you wanted to take me as your plus-one? (Microwave beeps) Why in the world would I want to do that? Because I can Devil Wears Prada you.
Is that a pop-culture reference? Yes.
In the movie, Anne Hathaway goes to fancy parties with Meryl Streep and subtly feeds her all the names and personal details of everyone she should already know.
Well, I admit I am intrigued.
But what's in it for you? Who wouldn't want to go to a billionaire's party to meet people like Mallory Rice, the new distribution manager for the northeast region? Pick me up at 6:00.
And make sure to pick up some extra-dry brut champagne.
It's, um what's-his-name's favorite.
- Cory Casey? - Correct.
See you at 6:00.
(Door creaking) That was close.
We really need to get a lid on this thing at work.
But how? Every time I'm within a few feet of you, I feel overcome with raw desire.
We need a buffer zone.
Agreed.
From now on, in all professional settings, we-we need to stay five feet apart.
Yeah.
Like a moat.
- A sex moat.
- A sex moat.
You better raise your drawbridge, girl.
Why? Is your battering ram gonna storm my castle walls? No.
(Exhales) Five-foot sex moat.
Starting now.
Sticky hands up, boys.
All right, don't touch anything, okay? I gotta get those wiped off.
Whew.
XAVIER: Surprise! What do you think? What the fuchsia? I thought you deserve a little more color in your life.
I deserve for my house to be frickin' fuchsia? Well, it's your favorite color.
I thought why save it for the trim? Life's short.
You gotta give yourself what you want.
Okay, you know what? This whole self-serving, fly by the seat of your pants carpe diem crap may have worked on Evie, but it's not gonna work on me.
Mary-Anne, it's not a trick.
This is the way I live my life.
This is my philosophy.
Well, it's not mine.
So paint it back.
Cottage white.
No, I love pink.
Tucker, honey, we can't have a pink house.
He's fun and you're not! I'm really sorry, all right, I just Just Just fix it.
You want me to give my speech to them? Yeah.
These people can't hear a damn thing.
This is the perfect practice crowd.
- I don't know.
- Come on, Mr.
T.
- Just give 'em a little taste.
- Okay.
Yeah.
You got this.
(Speaking quietly) They can't hear you, so there's no possible way of you embarrassing yourself.
I'd like to talk to you all about how Mother Nature can improve all of our sex lives.
Designs throughout the natural world can have a profound impact on the future of human sexual congress.
- This is great.
They don't - This is awesome.
- They can't hear nothin'.
It's great.
- It's working.
Let me tell you all a little something about how dragonflies mate.
MAN: I love that guy.
Or gal.
Yeah, me, too.
(Entrance bell jingles) Oh! What Timothy! - Hi.
- Hey.
Oh, my Oh.
Wow, I guess I guess things with Fern are going smoothly.
Hank told me.
No.
I mean, uh, yes.
But n-no.
This is research.
Sex research.
I'm doing a STEVEN-Spiel, and the subject is of a sexual nature.
Actually, the subject is nature and sex.
You're doing a STEVEN-Spiel? That's amazing.
- I'm so happy for you.
- Thanks.
It's tomorrow, if you wanna go.
Or not, you know.
No, I'd love to.
- You would? - Yeah.
We're friends now, and friends support each other.
Great.
Cool.
Awesome.
Cool.
That was the second one I said.
So yes, we agree.
- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up? (Sighs heavily) Just not my best showing at Mary-Anne's house today.
I painted her house fuchsia, and then she tore me a new one, and then Tucker said I was really fun and she wasn't and she sort of lost it.
That does not sound great.
Yeah.
If she didn't like me before, she 100% doesn't like me now.
Well, she probably just needs to sort some receipts.
That's how she deals with stress.
Maybe I'll just go check on her and-and smooth things over.
Okay, great.
I'll come.
- Maybe not.
- (Ding) Oh, now you're doing the fake smile as well.
EVIE: Mary-Anne? Hey.
- You in - (Knocking) You in here? Hey is everything okay? Evie! (Cackling): My sister from the same mister! - Ooh-ooh.
- (Chuckles) I couldn't decide if I should drink or take a bath so I'm kind of doing both.
(Blows raspberry, laughs) Okay.
Oh, gosh.
Mmm This is fun.
Remember when I used to be fun? Ah, I was all "pink hair, don't care," then I'd make out with like, all the guys.
Yeah, you were pretty wild.
And now I'm a mom.
(Laughs, blows raspberry) Which I love.
But they suck my time and my energy and my creativity.
And they just they suck it out! They suck, they suck, they suck it out! Okay, yeah, I think that's enough of that.
Listen, I'm so sorry for forcing Xavier on you.
I get it, you hate him, which is fine.
I don't hate him.
- You don't? - Come on.
I'm jealous of him! You think I don't want to do fun adventures off of a list? Of course I do! I want fun! I want a fuchsia house! When then, what is stopping you? Well, uh, the HOAs.
- Uh-huh.
- That's Homeowner's Association.
They have rules and I have to follow them because I am a responsible mesber of the commubiny.
(Clears throat) Communerby.
It's close enough.
I can't have a fuchsia house, I can't have pink hair, I can't do anything fun, really.
But you remember when I used to be fun? I was on a list of top ten hottest punk chicks at Arizona State two years in a row.
(Laughs) Gosh, look at me now.
Even my own kid thinks I'm boring.
You are a great mom.
And you deserve to have fun now and then.
In that case, can I have my vodka back? No.
But you can have something better than vodka.
- You brought rum? - (Laughing) No.
But how about Xavier and I take the kids and let you have the day to do whatever fun thing you want.
You know, get back in touch with your old self.
(Gasping): Yes.
Yes, that sounds so good.
- Okay, now let's get you - Yeah.
out of the bath and into bed.
- All right.
- (Laughing) Whoa, whoa, wait.
You'll take good care of 'em, though, right? The best.
(Siren blaring) That was so cool! (Laughing): Say thank you to Cliff.
Thanks, Cliff.
- You got it.
See ya.
- Cheers, mate.
- - (Chuckles) (Siren starts) This is the best day of my life.
I love you.
Oh, I love you, too, kiddo.
Oh, that's really sweet how he said I love you and then you said it back.
Hi, Mom! - Hi! - Hey, hey.
(Laughing): Hey.
Oh - Hey.
- Hey.
- We had ice cream, - Ooh.
then we went to the zoo, and then we had more ice cream and then we rode on a fire truck! (Laughing): Awesome! You want to go grab your stuff? In my defense, it was very low-sugar ice cream.
(Sighing): You guys, thank you so much.
I can't tell you how great it was to have that time all to myself.
So, what wild and fun thing did you do with the day off? (Breathing deeply) You you took a nap? She took a nap.
R-Really? It was five uninterrupted hours of solid REM.
(Chuckles) Glorious.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Well, we're glad you got some rest.
And actually, Joshie should be up soon from his nap, too.
I'm so sorry, I have to go.
I'm late for the STEVEN-Spiel - and I know - Oh! - Okay.
- Go, go, go, go, - go, go, go.
- Bye! - (Laughing) - Hey, um listen, I just wanted to apologize, um, about the paint.
I I really like people to seize the day and I know sometimes I can, uh, overstep the mark.
Um, so, I want to make it up to you.
You did! Okay? That was the best nap I've had in years.
Well, yeah, but I think I can do better.
TIMOTHY: Better, batter bitter butter.
(Vocalizing) (Groaning) - I got this, I got this.
Yeah? - Hey! Hey! Now here's a pro-tip in case you get a little flustered, all right, pick one person from the crowd and just deliver the speech to them, like there's no one else in the room.
But don't pick me.
Prolonged eye contact really just (Shuddering) wigs me out.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey.
Yeah, that way.
(Clears throat) (Exhales deeply) (Whispers): I got this.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Timothy Finger.
(Applause) TIMOTHY: Um, um Uh (Coughs) MAN: Can't hear you! Oh, uh, is that better? (Microphone feedback) (Sniffs) Yeah, I ooh, ooh.
(Audience murmuring) I Uh (Murmuring continues) (Gags) - (Swallows hard) - Um.
TIMOTHY: Uh Uh, for example, let's take a look at how actual bees can help us with "the birds and the bees.
" Uh, by mimicking the hexagonal pattern of the honeycomb, scientists have actually developed polyurethane condoms that are both thinner and stronger.
Now, personally, I've always felt Oh, good Lord! - (Audience gasping) - Oh! Oh, Timothy.
(Groaning) I that's fine.
I just I'm just gonna Ah! Uh, I'm ju I-I can't um, that's fine.
Just please, take a seat.
Take a seat.
Um I can do it from here.
Let's talk about the seminal fluid of field crickets.
(Engine turns off) Oh, hi.
Saw you pull up.
Didn't want you to come to the door expecting to be asked inside.
Because, frankly, we're not there yet and, uh, I didn't want it to be weird.
Weirdness avoided.
Well done.
(Chuckling) Oh, your flashcards.
Great.
Okay.
"And so you see, Cory, "Cyberhugs is a viable program and cutting it would be tantamount to" What is this? That is, I just This is the reason you wanted to come to the party as my plus-one.
To go over my head to Casey Cory.
Cory Casey And now you're correcting me? You are officially uninvited as my plus-one.
Deirdre, maybe you would just Consider yourself a negative-one.
(Gasps) All right, well then, we'll just crash it.
No way, Deirdre is about to fire me as it is.
So, we'll just make sure she doesn't see you.
Cory is leaving tomorrow, and it's my last chance to talk him out of cutting Cyberhugs.
So we're doing it? What the fig.
Let's crash this party! - Yes! Well, um, - Okay.
can I bring a plus-one? (Gasps) Now this is wild and fun.
And a little sketchy.
I really hope this works.
XAVIER: Don't worry, it will.
Although, it's gonna be a little harder to sneak five people in rather than three.
Especially when one of us looks like Hank.
Williams.
Well, I thought we were going as a country band.
No, you said that, and we said, "definitely not, that would be weird.
" Especially since Cory Casey is a huge 60s space rock fan.
Okay, okay, well, in my defense, I think I was sneezing when you said that last part.
And by the way, nobody said "God bless you," so I think we all have something to be sorry for.
Hey, there.
We're the band.
What band? I was told it was just gonna be a DJ.
Nope.
We're we're definitely the band.
Yeah.
You really think we would've shown up here carrying these authentic instrument cases - (Tambourine rattling) - if we weren't the band? Would it be easier to believe us if we said we were a country band? Ow.
Prove it.
Prove you're the band.
Sing something.
Um La donna è mobile Qual piuma al vento Muta d'accento - (Mary-Anne clears throat) - E di pensiero La donna è mobile Qual piuma al vento Muta d'accento E di pensier.
- Mm-hmm.
- (Coughs) That was beautiful, man.
Go right in.
Oh, my gosh, we did it! - Okay.
Let's let's stash the stuff, - and then and then hit the party.
(Dance music playing) EVIE: Deirdre can't see me here, so Hank, will you go and distract her? Okay.
Yeah.
I could go close to there.
Near there And what should I do? It's a party! Hit the bar with Kareema and try and get turned.
- Turnt.
- Exactly.
- I'm on it.
Let's go.
- Yeah.
Woo! I've been doing this bad boy - Mm.
- Since I was a kid One for now and one for later.
Hello, milady.
Hank.
You shouldn't be here.
It's unorthodox, inappropriate and highly arousing.
Would you say the waters of your sex moat are rising? The banks are in danger of breach.
The connections Stop DEIRDRE: Step back.
I know.
Five feet.
That girl's been loving too Deirdre! Cybermart is a workplace of tolerance.
- Pardon? - You're going out of your way to avoid your African-American employees.
I noticed it at the warehouse yesterday and again, just now.
It's a disgrace.
No.
No, it's just Hank.
Oh, so you think that racism is acceptable if it's localized to one person? No.
You don't understand, I can't go near him.
- (Beeps) - Okay.
Clear your schedule.
I just used my CyberFocals to book you a sensitivity training course for tomorrow.
Oh, and uh - (Snapshot) - I just took a picture of your face right now.
(Laughing): It's priceless.
- I just e-mailed it to you.
- (Phone beeps) (Cheering, whistling) (Orchestral music playing) (Applause) Hello, everyone.
Welcome to my universe! (Applause, cheering) I've been meditating on my legacy, and I've decided to put all my money towards really making a difference in space tourism! - (Applause) - Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs) Suck it, Bezos! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the new world of Cyberspace! (Applause) Now's my chance.
Hey! We're not paying you to fraternize.
Get up there and sing.
I don't I can't go up on stage, Deirdre will see me.
Don't you worry, little sister.
I've got your back.
Do-re-mi-fa so drunk I'll sing.
(Hiccups) Mm.
That's great! (Clears throat) Good.
(Grunts) Okay.
Um, what songs do we know? Uh, "It's Raining Men.
" - X-Files theme song.
- That doesn't have any words.
- No, but it makes a heck of a mood.
- (Raspberry) (Into microphone): This is dedicated to Ms.
Casey Cory.
(Indistinct chatter) Don't you want somebody to love Don't you need Somebody to love MARY-ANNE AND XAVIER: Wouldn't you love Somebody to love You better find somebody to love - Wouldn't you love somebody to love - (Band harmonizing) What are you doing here? You crashed this party.
- She crashed this party! - (Gasping) - Okay, let's go.
- I didn't, but I EVIE: Cory Cory! Mr.
Casey, I'm so sorry.
Mr.
Casey, I want to apologize for Evie's insolence.
- I assure you You know - Please! If you would just let me explain You should explain.
Because I'm about 30 seconds from texting the police.
30 seconds is all I need.
Mr.
Casey, my name is Evie and I've worked at Cybermart for eight years.
I'm a huge fan of yours, especially your Cyberhugs initiative Let me guess.
You want to make a difference.
You want to save the planet and the children and the dolphins because it's your passion.
(Clock ticking) (Explosion) Come on, remember when you first started out and had nothing but pluck and passion? You knocked on the front door of every single house in your hometown to raise money for this company.
And it worked! I read your book.
Three times, in one night.
The point is, don't you remember that version of yourself? I mean, look at what it created! The world needs passionate people, and risk-takers.
I risked my whole job to be here tonight, because that is how much I believe in Cyberhugs.
Okay.
I just reinstated the program.
And put her on the team.
She earned it.
- (Snapshot) - And I just took a picture of you right now.
(Chuckling): I just e-mailed you.
(Laughs) (Cheering) (Laughter) To finally landing your dream job! (Gasps) Oh! Thank you! - (Clinks) - Yes, congratulations.
Evie.
Your chutzpah last night shocked me.
Please note, your newly acquired position does not give you license to shirk the duties of your preexisting position.
Your workload has just doubled.
Effective one second ago when I just placed that stuff on your desk.
- Oh - (Exhales sharply) Got to love her.
Oh, is that still a sensitive word? No.
Because even if Xavier didn't say it back, he showed me how he feels.
You know, he went out of his way to win over my sister, so that says a lot.
EVIE: I wonder why Lauren McCoy from corporate HR is here.
(Sighs) Also wonder when I can deprogram my Devil Wears Prada brain.
Oh, I recommend whip-its.
They zap out whole chunks of your memory.
Hey there.
Who are you? Okay.
- Hey there.
- Hi! Hey.
Thanks again for coming to my talk.
Yeah.
No problem.
- That's what friends are for.
- Yeah.
Um, that's, that's why I'm here, actually.
I can't be friends with you, Evie.
- Not right now.
- What? At that STEVEN-Spiel, in the most exciting and and overwhelming and stressful moment of my life, the only thing that could calm me down was was looking at you.
As long as that's true, I-I can't really move on.
So I-I I think that we should just spend some time apart.
Okay.
I just hope it's not forever.
Yeah.
I'll just Oh, my God.
You're the STEVEN-Spiel guy! Who me? - (Chuckling): You're famous! - Well, uh Can I get a selfie? - Uh, sure.
Why not? - Okay.
Uh Okay.
Um, say, uh, "Oh, Good Lord!" - Okay.
No wait.
What? - (Snapshot) Yeah.
It's all right.
Can you pretend to fall when you're saying, "Oh, Good Lord!" - Okay.
Just do it.
- (Snapshot) (Door closes) Now, I've spoken with Mr.
Casey, and as I understand it, you recently had Hank transferred off your desk.
- Yeah.
That's right.
- At his own request.
And there have been some, let's say, troubling signs that you uh, Deirdre, might not be creating the tolerant, inclusive work environment we strive for at Cybermart.
Wait.
Are you saying that Deirdre's a racist? Not racist.
But maybe a little racist-ent to other ethnicities.
Now, I'd like to do a little trust exercise with you both.
So, if you'll please stand.
Stand.
(Sighs) The eyes are the window to the soul, which is what we want you to recognize in each other.
So.
Look each other in the eye, give each other a compliment, and take a step forward.
Toward each other.
Toward acceptance.
Deirdre, you first.
I think about you in the shower.
I want to take a bite out of your butt.
Do it! This is a whole different set of paperwork.
(Grunting) - Hey! - Quick, quick, quick.
What was so important that I had to rush home? Um there's something I want to show you.
Well actually, there's something I want to tell you.
(Laughs) That's incredible.
So you did hear me.
Hear what? I said it to you, too, while you were brushing your teeth.
What? Wh-While I was brushing my teeth? Have you never heard of a grand, romantic gesture? Oh, shut up! It just slipped out.
Oh, sweetheart, you're my soul mate.
- Where's the mouthwash? - I was trying to I was Oh, darling, I love you.
Pass the floss.
Well, not everyone can commission rain-activated street art.
I mean, how did you track down the Seattle Street Poet anyway? Just kiss me.
We say it together We are one We say it together.