Nobodies (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Good morning.
What are you wearing? I have a commercial audition.
I told my agent to start sending me out again.
- Did you forget you already have a job? - It's not enough.
"Mr.
First Lady" is obviously not going anywhere, and I need the money.
What happens if you actually book one of these commercials? Who's gonna write "The Fartlemans" scripts? You gonna leave that to me and Rachel? I'm not saying it's an ideal situation, but what can I tell you? Our situation is not ideal.
You just said absolutely nothing.
Kristin Bell just fisted me.
- What? - What? She fisted me in front of the entire school at drop-off.
Kids saw it, parents saw it.
What are you talking about? I waved hello to her, and she was like Like she's gonna beat me up.
(scoffs) There's another word for that.
No, that's fisting.
You got fisted by Kristin Bell.
You have every right to be upset.
(sighs) Has anyone heard from Ben and Melissa? - Radio silence.
- This is crazy.
I mean, we sent them the nicest texts.
We sent them the nicest e-mail! I swear to God, I wish we'd never written "Mr.
First Lady".
It sucked up so much of our time, it did nothing but make people mad at us, and now, it's not happening.
So, what was the point? Why try? That's the lesson.
Don't even try.
Seriously, how many people are mad at us because of that? Let's get Let's Let's put it all on the big board.
Ben Falcone, Melissa McCarthy.
Great.
They hate us.
Uh, Kristin Bell fisted us this morning.
What about that crazy executive who swears he's going to destroy our careers? Gavin something.
He hates us.
And where is he now? He's at Chinascope Pictures.
Which is undoubtedly a state-owned enterprise, which means all of China hates us.
- Uh, Jason Bateman.
- Jason Bateman! Yes, Jason Bateman, whose ACL Larry tore.
That family of the producer Larry killed.
Ah what was his name? Oh, my God, you can't even dignify the man in death by remembering his name? Howard Lang.
That's right.
Well, the only people on that list that are friends of ours are Ben and Melissa, so I I think we should just send them one more text I think we stop with the texts and the e-mails, all right? They just seem manipulative, because they are manipulative.
We genuinely value the friendship of Ben and Melissa.
We need to apologize in person.
Oh, my God, that sounds very scary.
Let's do it! We go over there, hat in hand, and say we're sorry.
Wait, we're going right now? I just got very jangly.
What if we don't do this? What if we just, we give it more time? Time.
Time! Time heals all wounds.
- That's the expression.
- My God, we're here, we're queer, we're ready to say we're sorry.
(Larry) "Queer"? (phones ringing) - (Hugh) Hi.
- Hi.
Are Ben and Melissa in today? Um, we don't have an appointment, it's uh, we're friends of theirs.
Larry, Rachel, and Hugh.
Go take a seat.
I will get Ashley for you.
- Who's Ashley? - Melissa's assistant.
She's really nice.
You've met her? No, but she and I e-mailed back and forth.
She got Lois some "Ghostbusters" dolls.
- She's super sweet.
- Mm.
Can I help you guys with anything? We're good, we're just waiting for Ashley, thanks.
- I'm Ashley.
- Hmm? What? A man can't be named Ashley? Oh, no, I knew you were a man.
I just, I didn't think you were a A black man.
You didn't think Melissa McCarthy could hire a black man as her assistant.
Oh, no, no.
We, uh we have tons of black men that work for us.
Yes, the black people can do lots of jobs.
Oh, dear God.
Um, I'm so sorry.
Uh, sir, we are good friends of Ben and Melissa.
Oh, I know who you are.
You're three people who Ben and Melissa do not want to see.
(phone vibrating) You're on with Ashley.
(whispering) You sounded racist.
(whispering) I didn't mean it.
I meant it in a positive they can do whatever they want, if they put their minds to it.
- Don't say "They.
" - Oh, my God, shh! No, the move-in date is Friday.
The family is at The Langham during the transition.
We don't want all of America knowing their new address.
Thank you.
What are you three still doing here? Um, can you just give these to, to Ben and Melissa from us? I'm gonna do you a favor and I'm gonna not give these ugly-ass, Trader Joe's hydrangeas to Melissa McCarthy.
How'd he know I got these from Trader Joe's? I thought you did a good job by disguising it - with whatever that is.
- I took off the plastic.
They were 4.
99, but they look like 18.
99.
Well, they look like, maybe, 11.
99? But they def - Have a lovely day.
- Thank you.
awaqeded for I just feel like they think we, like, messed up our friendship by trying to use them.
Like, we tried to use their successful careers to help our not successful careers.
- That's exactly what we did.
- You know what we do? Just to say, "Sorry for using you"? We get 'em a, uh, house-warming present.
(chuckling) That'll fix it.
Just get 'em a picture frame, and then they'll forget all about the lying and the subterfuge? - Mm-hmm.
- You know what we should do? You know how, in their backyard, they put down all that cement near the barbecue, and they had their girls put their, their handprints in it? Maybe we somehow, like, take that from that house and put it in the new house.
Ooh, I like that.
- (Hugh) That's a great idea.
- Mm-hmm.
Is there any way we could get that that cement out of there? Well, you know what we can do, we can ask my father-in-law, Curtis.
He's a contractor, I bet he'd know.
I bet he'd do it for us.
Hey, um, Hugh? - I Ahh! - Hey! - Sam.
- I know! - Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
I haven't seen you in forever.
You look great.
I love this.
I look great? I look terrible.
(chuckling) You don't.
Poor Samantha's lost her mind since we were at Cal Arts.
- Are you still modeling? - Oh, God, no.
I haven't done that in forever.
You know, um, someone once told me that - Oh.
- if short people could model, then I would be a model.
What did you say? Sorry.
Who said that? - My mom.
- (laughing) - Sam, this is Rachel and Larry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, we all work together.
- Oh.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
You guys must laugh all day, 'cause Hugh is the funniest person in the world.
- Oh.
- (Larry) The world? I still say Eddie Murphy.
Well, listen, I don't want to interrupt, but it was it was great seeing you.
- Yeah.
- We should maybe - grab a drink sometime and catch up.
- Absolutely.
- That's me, you got it.
- Watch this.
(Hugh) All right.
(line and phone ringing) Hi, Sam, it's Sam.
There.
- Wow.
- Um call me.
- Great.
- No, I'll call you.
- Oh.
- There you go.
- It was nice meeting you.
- Mm.
- Bye.
- Yeah.
Bye, Sam.
Bye.
Hmm, la-Di, da-Di, da.
Samantha.
Very attractive.
Kind of aggressive.
How she was, like, picking up your phone.
Like, "I'm so confident.
I'm gonna call you.
" She's nice, Rachel.
Did you guys ever, uh hmm? I kind of got like a like a lesbian vibe from her.
Not a lesbian, trust me.
Did you see the way she was looking at him? She was very interested in him - (Sam laughing in distance) - sexually.
(laughing) Hello.
Hello! What are you doing? You said you were gonna call Curtis and now you're just sitting there not calling him? They move into their house on Sunday, we don't even have their new address.
It's like I I just feel like that lady just derailed everything.
- (phone chimes) - Wow, relax.
Ah, I might be a skosh late to work tomorrow.
I have another commercial audition.
This one's for Horizon Mills' cereal.
Oh, Annie Mumolo is their spokesperson.
I don't think Annie likes me very much.
Oh! What did you do to her? - She didn't put me in "Bridesmaids".
- Oh! And I did what anybody would do in my situation, I went over to her house and I said, "Hey! "Uh, I used to put you in my Groundlings sketches, "now it's your turn, you know pay the piper.
You put me in your movie.
" And you think Annie doesn't like you? I am surprised she didn't shoot you with a pistol.
Well, she didn't put me in her movie.
So, we're just waiting for Larry to get back? I'm not gonna do his job for him.
Well, should we call him? Get his E.
A.
T.
? - E.
T.
A.
- What'd I say? - Doesn't matter.
- (line ringing) (Larry) Hey.
Hey, uh, when are you back? You know, that's hard to say.
There's still a guy ahead of me.
I'm in Santa Monica.
I gotta, you know, walk to my car.
I gotta go back to Burbank.
That's a long time.
I'll probably want to have a little lunch.
Maybe you guys just start writing without me.
(Hugh) Oh, oh, that's great.
While you're leisurely pursuing an alternate source of income, we'll be here working hard to provide your main source of income.
Did you talk to Curtis about the cement? I did.
He said it's super easy.
He can have it out in ten minutes, then you just, uh, he patches it up with a little concrete, easy.
Did you guys find out Ben and Melissa's new address? Ashley would only give me their P.
O.
box, so we've been downgraded to fans of theirs, apparently.
We can send them a fan letter.
- Is Curtis available on Saturday? - Yup.
Well, if we don't have Ben and Melissa's address, this is a "mute" point anyway.
- Moot.
- What? It doesn't matter.
Oh, I gotta go.
- Larry Dorf? - Yup.
- I really like that last guy.
- Yup.
Hello! - Annie Mumolo.
- Larry.
Come here, lady.
Great to see you again.
When was the last time I saw you? I don't know, I think it was when you threatened me on my doorstep like a lunatic.
I apologized for that.
No, you didn't.
Well, I apologize right now.
Too little, too late.
Should we do this? - Yeah, let's do it.
- Okay, great, great.
Annie and I were in the Groundlings together with Kristen Wiig, and Melissa McCarthy Oh, wow, all the people who hate you.
Melissa doesn't hate me.
She's just mad at me.
That's not what I heard.
Should we do this? - All right, great - One quick second.
She hates me? Who told you she hates me? Hey, Larry, we have a lot of people today.
We gotta get through this.
And action.
As a busy mom As a busy mom I'm sorry, that's your line.
You're the mom.
(Larry) I'm the scientist.
Uh (stammering) Okay, good.
And, action.
As a busy mom, I'll be honest I sometimes give my kids cereal for breakfast.
And lunch.
And dinner.
So, that cereal has to be healthy.
Like, really healthy.
Horizon Mills has all the stuff you want and none of the stuff you don't.
And I should know.
I'm a scientist but I'm also a dad.
I wrote that last line.
I just improvised that.
I wrote it because I'm a I'm a writer.
Uh, use it, don't use it, whatever you want.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm, all right.
- He'll just take off now.
- Real quick, I'm sorry Who told you that Melissa McCarthy hates me? - Melissa did.
- When? This morning.
She tells me every day.
Where? They're building a house across the street from my house for like the last three years.
I see them every day.
- I know where you live.
- Unfortunately, yes.
This means I know where Ben and Melissa live.
Yeah, they - Oh, hey! - Jordan Black! - Oh, my God, Annie! - Oh, my God.
- This is Jordan Black.
- So good to see you.
The one I was telling you about.
- Hi.
- Hi! - Jordan.
- Larry! - What's happening? - Hey, man, what's going on? - Good to see you.
- Hey, yeah.
Hey, you know, I just want to say I'm really sorry to hear the news that Ben and Melissa really hate you and Rachel and Hugh.
Who told you that? Ben sent me to tell you.
(pats back) So, I guess we need to come up with a backup gift plan.
Oh, you mean if we run out of time on "Operation: Cement Lift"? (phone ringing) You're not gonna pick it up? No.
I'm okay.
You can pick it up.
It's fine, it'll go to voice mail.
(beeps) Let's figure out what backup gift we're getting.
You're not gonna listen to the voice mail? I'll listen to it later.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
You're being weird.
You have problems.
I already have coffee.
Oh, were you, um, listening to the voice mail? No, I'm gonna write an e-mail.
This coffee is cold and bitter, so I'm not gonna drink it.
Hey, Hugh, it's Sam.
Um, I have this work thing Saturday night, and I thought it'd be more fun if I had a date, and I thought it would be extra fun if you were that date.
I mean, it's no pressure, but I will be wearing a very low-cut dress, unless you're wearing a very low-cut dress, in which case I will not steal your thunder.
So, uh, give me a call.
Bye.
(kisses) Ahh! Where is Curtis? I'm gonna give him a call.
- I'm bored.
- Yeah.
We'll go get ice cream after we do this, okay? - Do you have kids? - Nope.
- Do you want to have kids? - Lois, honey, don't.
Huh.
Maybe.
Maybe? Okay, definitely, if they are as cute as you, and if they aren't as cute as you, then I'm just gonna steal you.
(giggles) I didn't know you wanted to have kids.
Well, I don't not want to have kids.
I mean, you know meet the right person, seems like it could be pretty great.
Well he's not answering his phone.
(sighs) (Rachel) Is that your father-in-law? No.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
- Buenos Dias.
- Are you with Curtis? Curtis just at Long Beach.
Start new job.
(speaking Spanish) What is he saying? I don't think Curtis is coming.
Vamanos.
- Is he gonna do it? - I don't I don't know.
This is right at the limits of my Spanish.
Okay, Rafael? Uh-huh.
Um (speaking Spanish) Uh, cemento.
Cemento.
Cemento, okay.
Ah, Si, Si.
(speaking Spanish) Oh, okay, okay, okay.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
- (jack hammer pounding) Oh, no, no, no, no! No, no, no! - Tell him to turn it off! - (overlapping shouting) (Larry) Tell him to turn it off! (shouting) (speaking Spanish) - (speaking Spanish) - Oh, de nada.
What did you say to him? What do you think, I know every advanced archeological term in Spanish? Ben and Melissa don't need to know this even happened.
- What? - Let's just Let's just go get 'em a picture frame.
We can't just leave this like this.
Whoever moves in here is gonna see this, and then they're all gonna know! So we have to go and get some cement and patch all this! We could get cement and make our own Ben and Melissa's kids' handprint thing.
Right, right? Lois can, uh, do the handprint.
I don't want to.
- No, it'd be fun.
- I don't want to.
- Oh, it'd be so fun.
- No! - She doesn't want to.
- We'll use my kids' hands.
They have small, normal-sized hands.
Your hands are way too big for your body.
- Larry! - What? Is that bad? Nobody likes you, Larry.
We'll make new handprints, and we'll take those to their new house, and they'll think, "These are our kids' hands, given to us by three of our greatest friends.
" They did something like this, actually, on "I Love Lucy", with, um, John Wayne's footprints.
- You're joking.
- No, it's true.
- This is an actual "I Love Lucy" episode? - Yeah.
We're We're living an "I Love Lucy" episode? Did it work? I don't remember.
I feel like, maybe? It's the way now Way to see Well in the moment it comes and it goes Yeah it's in everything It's in everything Yeah we up, up, up for the glow show Yeah we down, down here on the ground Yeah we up, up, up up above love Yeah we up, up, up in the clouds Yeah we up Yeah we up Yeah we up Yeah we up Whoo! I think we did it! (clapping) Hey! Good job! Good job! All right.
All right.
(Rachel) Okay, be careful.
(Larry) Are you good? (Hugh) My God, I am only good if you guys keep giving me advice on how to carry it.
It's gated! Oh my God, that's so uninviting.
Of course it's gated.
They're celebrities.
Celebrities live behind gates.
This whole idea's insane.
What a great time to point that out, Lar.
Do you think we could slide it under here? Like putting, like, a ziti in the oven? Yeah, grab that end.
Grab that end of the ziti, Larry.
Oh, God, that's heavy.
- Oh, let me get my finger out.
- Yeah.
Ah, yes.
- Okay.
- (grunts) Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
Now now, uh, you guys just climb over and then do it.
Oh, and you go home, take a hot shower, maybe masturbate the night away? Okay, fine, you go first.
- You good? - Careful.
(whispering) Oh my God.
(phone ringing) (woman) 911, what is your emergency? Hi, I think there's someone trying to break into the house across the street from me, 2756 Vista Drive.
Hurry, it's Ben Falcone and Melissa McCarthy's house.
Where do we put that? I don't know, maybe we'll bury it over there or something.
Oh my God, move it! Get outta here.
Move it, move it! - Shh! - (car door closes) (police radio chatter) Doesn't look like there's any sign of a break-in, but we'll drive around back and see if there's another way into the property.
- (phone ringing) - Oh, my God! (Larry) What are you doing? - Freeze! - I'm making a run for it! Hey, stop right there! I'm not alone.
There's two other people.
Hello.
If you're gonna shoot one of us, shoot that one.
- I'm so sorry.
- Are you guys okay? No.
I was handcuffed.
I have not slept.
I am not okay.
- Here's some coffee.
- Are the boys sleeping? They're outside throwing rocks at squirrels.
Is this gonna go on your permanent record or what? I I don't know, it's up to Ben and Melissa.
I guess we're gonna find out how much a cement block with not-their-kids' handprints in it means to 'em.
- Mommy? - Hm? What's jail like? Mm, not as clean as you might think.
I'll take you sometime.
("Entertainment Tonight" theme playing) Well, how 'bout this? It looks like Ben Falcone and Melissa McCarthy's dream home has become a nightmare.
The hilarious pair consider security no laughing matter, and had taken great pains to keep their new address a secret.
But after an incident with some overzealous fans, the secret is out, and the funny couple is gonna have to sell their house before they ever had a chance to move in.
Hopefully Ben and Melissa will do what they do best turn this sad situation into a blockbuster comedy and laugh all the way to the bank.
I'm I'm so sorry, sir.
I said can you turn it down, not up.
awaqeded for