Nobody Wants This (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
[Joanne] Are you sure you're ready?
Just stop trying to freak me out.
It might work.
- I'm just saying this is very important.
- I'm ready.
These are my friend friends.
The only chat I have pinned on my phone.
I aspire to be pinned.
- Baby, I'll pin you anytime.
- I know you will.
- Hello, sluts.
- [all] Hi.
- This is Noah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Aw. You're gonna do great.
- Hi. I'm Ryann.
- [Noah] Nice to meet you.
- Have a phone charger I could borrow?
- Uh, I don't, but give me it.
- Noah. Nice to meet you.
- Charles.
- One second.
- [Ryann] What are you
Okay, he's hot.
- Absolutely.
- Ten out of ten.
- Ten out of ten.
- Okay.
They're charging it at the bar.
Did you just ask someone for something
that you want, and they gave it to you?
Just one, two, three, yeah.
I have one of those resting faces
where people don't like to help me.
- That's not true. You got me to help you.
- [exhales happily]
[Ashley] Noah, can you stop
being so damn smooth?
Uh, so catch us up.
What are we talking about?
- Uh
- Uh
- Uh, it's fine.
- Yeah.
We don't like talking shit
in front of strangers.
A wise woman once told me, "Whoever
you hate, I hate." So tell me who to hate.
- It's Amanda.
- [both] We hate her.
I don't like her already.
What's her deal? Narcissist?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Too clingy?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Won't shut up about the microbiome?
- Yes!
- Oh my God.
- [Ashley] All of the above.
- Oh my God!
[Ashley] Unfathomable.
- You're good.
- Well, dish.
- [Ashley] After some mimosas.
- What did she
Oh yeah.
Have a sip of mine. Have a sip of mine.
I don't believe in germs.
[upbeat music playing]
So how did I do?
Don't look.
[groans] I think they like you
more than they like me.
Yes!
I know I played it very cool,
but deep down, I, in fact,
was a little bit nervous.
My friends are gonna feel the same
about you when you meet 'em on Saturday.
Whoa, whoa!
I'm meeting them this Saturday?
Yeah, at my basketball game.
I thought that was
just a pick-up game with randos.
What? No, no, no. I'm in an actual league.
It's very legit.
Joanne, we pay for a ref
who's called multiple D2 college games.
- Oh wow!
- Yeah.
- Uh, D2?
- Yep.
I didn't No, sorry. I can't pretend
to know what you're talking about.
I tried. It felt false.
Okay. All you really need to know
is that my team is the Matzah Ballers.
- Theirs are the Huskies.
- Sorry, your name is what?
You heard me. I came up with it.
So good, right?
And while it's just a regular season game,
it does have huge playoff implications.
Right. Yes! This is huge, and I'm excited.
Less so about the basketball,
more so about meeting your friends.
Uh, two questions.
Will anyone there immediately hate me?
Just because you did have someone else
cheering for you fairly recently.
It's just the guys.
Wives and family don't show up
until the playoffs.
Okay, great.
Second question. Do you have jerseys
that say "Matzah Ballers" on it?
Yes, I do.
- That is very dorky.
- It's so cool. Yes.
Better than a pro basketball game.
One, two, three, four ♪
Some crazy-ass kids
Gonna knock up on your door ♪
So let 'em in, let 'em in, let 'em in ♪
One, two, three, four ♪
Some crazy-ass kids
Gonna knock up on your door ♪
So let 'em in, let 'em in, let 'em in ♪
I feel like a million bucks ♪
But my money
Don't really feel like I do ♪
And from the ground I build ♪
Sailing ♪
[PA beeps]
[woman on PA] Would the owner of the gray
Toyota Camry please move your car?
You are blocking the school buses.
Just a dream and the wind to carry me ♪
And soon I will be free ♪
- Hey!
- Hi!
Isn't this great?
Yeah! Wow!
Oh good. Hey. Hey, guys. This is Joanne.
Joanne, the guys.
Hi. What's up, Sasha?
- Hey, you ready to be impressed?
- I think I am.
Feel like this is one of the only areas
where my height is an advantage.
Huh.
Tall people die earlier
than everybody else,
so enjoy me while I last.
I will. I guess that means
I'm gonna live forever.
[laughter]
- Hey, Noah, game time. Let's go. Let's go.
- [Noah] Okay.
- Watch me.
- [Sasha] All right, guys, let's go.
[whistle blows]
Yeah ♪
What's up, baby? ♪
Noah!
[man] I'm open!
- Stepping out, purple Mercedes ♪
- Ow!
Fall in love, why don't you make me? ♪
Oh! Goal!
Defense! Defense!
Come on. Defense! Defense!
You suck, Huskies!
Sorry. Don't be negative, you know?
Right! Right!
What? You swallow that whistle, ref?
[whistle blows]
Are you kidding me?
That wasn't a foul. Where
Whoo! All right!
Gotta lock that woman down, dude.
♪without taking pictures, come on ♪
Take it.
Stepping out, purple Mercedes ♪
Fall in love, why don't you make me? ♪
You want a picture, just say please ♪
[buzzer blares]
[cheering]
- [laughs]
- [camera clicks]
[Joanne] Whoo! All right, Noah!
[Sasha] That was good.
Oh my God, that was exhausting.
[sighs happily]
- Wow.
- [Noah] I know, right?
Wow. I didn't expect that
to be nearly as thrilling as it was.
That is hurtful, but I get it.
Mm, and you know what?
I am shocked at how sexy this jersey is.
If I can avert my eyes
from the words "Matzah Ballers,"
it can actually really turn me on.
- I want you to look at the balls.
- No. [laughs]
Hey, great game, gentlemen!
We are going to the playoffs.
- Yeah, we are!
- Ow-oo!
- We're going for victory drinks. Wanna go?
- Oh, yeah. I'm in.
Whiskey's on me. Invite everyone.
Nice.
Sorry that took me a minute.
The bartender kept asking
if you guys played for the Lakers.
Thank you.
- Hope my guys are thirsty. No?
- No, I'm good.
- You want one?
- Thanks. Listen.
When you said to invite everyone,
uh, Max took it literally,
and then they showed up, so
- [Joanne] Oh.
- [Noah] Not quite as friendly territory.
That's okay. That's okay.
'Cause I crushed it at the game.
Guys love me.
- They do.
- And the WAGs are gonna love me too.
The WAGs?
Noah, wives and girlfriends of athletes,
like Victoria Beckham.
- [Noah] Oh!
- And
I guess that's the only one I know.
But I was born to be a WAG.
- I can handle this.
- Yeah, you can.
Let me, uh,
work my magic.
[clears throats] Hello, my fellow WAGs.
Are we proud of our boys, or what?
Sorry, what are you saying?
You're Esther, right?
Um, our paths crossed briefly.
You referred to me as "Whore Number One."
Oh, okay. Um, right.
Was it Joanne, I wanna say?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, right, right.
You're the one
Noah brought around way too early.
Yep. Well, I just stopped by to say hi
and see if anyone Want a whiskey?
We're good. We know where the bar is.
We're good.
- I'm good.
- Yeah, good.
- I'd take one.
- I think we're good.
Except I don't want one. So, no.
- Okay.
- We're good.
[exhales]
Do you come here a lot
[Esther] I just remembered
I have to be somewhere.
Sasha, let's go!
Wait for us.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
I wasn't having a good time anyway.
- No.
- [woman] Let's go.
- Now.
- [Joanne] You guys as well?
Yep.
- Nice to meet you.
- [woman] Pick it up. Get your stuff.
But I wasn't
- [woman] Yeah, don't give me attitude.
- [man] Okay, sure.
They all Rebecca's friends?
Yeah.
And now, they are absolutely
texting each other about me,
probably about my thin eyebrows,
but maybe they found
my other weaknesses too.
I have something insane to tell you.
But also, what did you expect?
These women are friends with his ex.
Yes, I'm aware. Perfect Rebecca.
Did you know she got more perfect?
Because she got a promotion at work.
What?
I've been keeping up with her LinkedIn.
I had to create a profile first.
But it says my job is
CEO of Fatigue Sisters Media.
Since you and I are always tired.
That's cute, right?
[Morgan] Adorable. Okay, look.
Am I sold on you ending up with a rabbi?
Absolutely not, okay? But I don't want you
to embarrass yourself.
Morgan, that's really sweet.
[Morgan] Okay, because I am
eternally connected to you.
Right? So you need to,
like, have a talk with Noah
and just come up with a plan
to rectify this situation, okay?
You're right. You're right.
Look at you using the word "rectify."
Good on you.
Are you ready to hear
the insane thing I have to tell you?
Oh, yes.
[Morgan] Okay, so
this is very weird
and, um, kind of confusing, but
I had a sex dream about the brother.
You had a sex dream about Sasha?
Yes! Yes, yes. It's gross, right?
I don't get it.
I'm not even attracted to him.
You know, I'm just gonna hang up
because I regret telling you that.
So, um, bye!
- Bye.
- [phone chimes]
[pensive music playing]
We should talk about
how Esther and her friends
blew me off tonight.
I know shouldn't care what people think,
at least that's what my therapist
on TikTok tells me,
but some people think
you shouldn't believe everything
you see on TikTok.
Noah!
- Hey!
- [Joanne sighs]
Sorry. I was just listening
to my hype mix.
Visualizing my corner threes
for the playoffs.
- [Noah exhales]
- Okay, um
Are the WAGs gonna be at the playoffs?
Yeah, the playoffs are huge.
Yes, huge. We've established that. Um
I don't think I should go.
- Joanne.
- Noah.
I know the women gave you a hard time,
but my guy friends loved you.
You know how if I hate someone,
you have to hate them too?
You hate them?
No. Not yet.
But if the wives hate me,
the husbands ha
Have to hate you too.
Yeah, that's some tight logic.
If your friends hate me
then your family's gonna hate me.
And, eventually, everyone's gonna hate me.
But you know what?
As a person who is universally liked,
I am not comfortable
in this scenario one bit.
Really worried about this?
It's the absolute largest problem
I've ever had in my life.
How are you not worried about it?
I mean, I like you a lot.
And I figure, eventually,
they'll all like you too.
They have to get to know you.
Mm-hmm. See, that's a solution
for someone who's patient.
I'm not a patient person.
I need to figure out
how to get them to like me by tomorrow.
[exhales]
I mean, it would be great
if Esther liked you.
- Yeah.
- [Noah] Uh
Okay. I have an idea.
You do research for your podcast, right?
Yeah. A lot.
Well, Ashley does a lot,
and then I listen to the highlights.
Okay. Here are the highlights.
- Okay. Talia loves to talk about herself.
- [Joanne] How original.
[Noah] She's getting married soon
and only wants to talk about her wedding.
It is so hot in here.
But not like a good hot, like Aruba.
It is so weird that you said that.
I'm getting married in Aruba.
- No, you're not.
- I am.
- You're kidding.
- No.
That is the dream.
Would you show me your dress?
Oh, yeah. Oh my God. It's striped.
[Noah] Rachel. She recently started
an inspirational line of, um, the, uh
What do you call necklaces
that are really tight on your neck?
[Joanne] Chokers? Oh God.
I'm so sorry.
Is that a Rachel Weinstein choker?
Oh my God. Y-Yeah, yes!
Uh, I I'm Rachel Weinstein.
- No.
- Yes!
[Noah] Leah is still breastfeeding
and feels really judged about it,
so just be supportive.
Gosh, pumping is so hard, right?
Yeah. [chuckles]
How old's your baby?
He's five. But he loves it so much,
and it comforts him
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this is the best thing
in the world for him.
You're obviously a very good mom.
[Noah] And finally,
Rebecca's best friend, Esther.
The way to her heart is by talking shit
about people, places, her husband.
Esther knows no bounds.
Hello, Esther.
- Nice to see you again.
- Hi.
God. I have seen sixth grade teams
that could beat these guys.
Sasha's the tallest one on the court
and still can't make a shot.
That's the father of my child
you're talking about.
Don't tell her or anyone, but I think
this choker is giving me hives.
Like, I don't know what kind of
synthetic material it's made out of, but
I'm an investor in that company.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I really believe in it.
That's cool.
You ever noticed that,
like, people
uh, and their
with their things, they, like
[clears throat awkwardly]
[clears throat]
[coughs] Excuse me.
- I need to get some water real quick.
- Sure.
People with their things, huh?
[whistle blows]
[rock music playing]
[players chattering]
Hey, uh, this chick Esther
has ice in her veins, and I need help.
Um, I'm gonna drop a pin.
Uh, can you come?
Also, you are not allowed
to make fun of their jerseys
or how bad they are at basketball.
I'm serious.
[rock music continues]
[Sasha] Yup, yup, yup!
[man] Shot!
[whistle blows]
Oh. Hi, boys.
Nice costumes. Hmm.
Oh, as if one of them wasn't enough.
Oh.
- What's up?
- Oh, hi.
- I didn't know you were a basketball fan.
- I'm not. And this isn't helping.
- Why are you standing so close to me?
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- [Esther] Sasha!
Y-Yes, honey!
- Get your head out of your ass!
- Sorry, hon.
[bottles clink and slosh]
- Hi.
- Thank you, thank you.
Of course.
Did you sneak in
multiple bottles of alcohol?
Uh, yeah. What will help me make friends
with an angry woman
who hasn't had any fun in over a decade?
And the answer is booze, Joanne.
I get that. Did it occur to you
it might make her angrier?
I'm willing to take that risk
'cause I can just leave
and never see her again. So, yeah.
Okay. Wait, wait. Maybe we should just go.
What? No. No, no, no, no.
We are not gonna let some mean,
random popular girls win, okay?
We are the mean, popular girls.
We win. Hmm?
- God, I love you.
- Yeah, I love you too. Come on.
Okay.
[Morgan] Ah.
What? Oh.
This is my sister, Morgan, you guys.
Hi.
So should we play a drinking game?
- Yes please. Basketball is so boring.
- No, I don't think so.
Yep. Okay, me first.
Ooh, mama! [laughs]
That brings me back to high school.
Look at that.
Your sister almost makes you seem normal.
Careful. That could be considered
a compliment coming from you.
Well, tell anyone I said it, and I write
another nasty review about your podcast.
Mm, every review is an engagement,
so thank you.
Oh, fuck it.
Fill me up, "Whore Number Two."
Oh. Yes.
Okay, so should we take a shot
every time they make a basket?
Uh, I need to get drunk, so what if we
took a shot every time they miss?
That is a better idea.
["Tubthumping" playing]
[mouths] I love you.
When we're winning ♪
[Joanne] Let's go, Noah!
[Esther] Come on!
Right off the bat.
Never gonna keep me down ♪
Kobe!
[all cheer]
Never gonna keep me down
I get ♪
- [Joanne] Hey!
- Whoo!
Here we go.
Let's go, baby!
- Hoo!
- Oh yes!
♪again
You're never gonna keep me down ♪
[all cheer]
♪the night away ♪
Pissing the night away ♪
This is so fun. When was the last time
any of us played a drinking game?
- High school.
- Last weekend.
I mean high school too.
I meant to say high school.
[all laugh]
Mm-hmm. [exhales]
[Esther exhales]
I think we should have dinner together.
Like, the four of us. At Noah's.
Um
Awesome. Awesome. Tell me when.
Oh, right now. Um
[applause]
Three!
That was close. That was close. That's me.
Focus, Sasha! We got 20 seconds left,
and we're two points down!
♪down, but I get up again ♪
Sasha, what she said!
What she said! Pass the ball!
[Joanne] Okay, Noah!
Never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down ♪
But I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down ♪
I get knocked down, but I get up again ♪
You're never gonna keep me down ♪
get knocked down, but I get up again ♪
You're never gonna keep me down ♪
I get knocked down, but I get up again ♪
You're never gonna keep me down ♪
[cheering]
[buzzer blares]
All right!
Did that go in?
No.
[Sasha] No?
Pump and dump, you know?
Hey, um, I gotta say, I know
you feel weird about me or whatever,
but, um, I really enjoyed
hanging out with you.
And I think you're very cool, so
You don't have to say it back.
I wasn't gonna.
Go. Go, go.
Oh! My baby, you did it! Mmm!
You know we lost, right?
Yeah, but you were running around,
throwing the ball.
You were making those squeaky noises
with your sneakers. It was so sexy.
- I tried to tell you. I tried to tell you.
- Yeah.
So how'd it go with the ladies?
Did you break through with Esther?
- She almost smiled at me.
- Really?
Mm-hmm. She was saying something mean
when she almost smiled
Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen her
almost smile. Mazel tov.
- There he is.
- Hey.
- [Esther exhales]
- Do you wanna go eat spicy food?
I'm sweating already,
so we should take advantage of it.
I'm actually gonna
catch a ride with Rebecca.
We're gonna just grab a quick drink.
She's already outside.
- Is that cool?
- Okay.
Don't start drama.
Me? Wha
You go have something spicy. On me.
But you pay for it.
Okay.
- Bye.
- [Esther] Bye.
Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh God. Something smells like tequila.
Is that you?
[exhales]
Oh. Oh, it is. [clears throat]
Don't worry though. I'm not driving.
I can just get a ride from Joanne, so
Oh, she already took off with Noah.
What the fuck?
She could have at least given me a ride.
See? I'm telling you.
We're the loser siblings.
Think they'd forget you
if you were the winner sibling?
Shut up. Stop with that.
Well, I'll give you a ride.
Why?
Because it's a nice thing to do,
and you need one.
Okay, fine, sure.
Okay.
Okay.
So you know,
we're gonna listen to my music,
and I've been in a Kris Kross phase,
so, like, that's pretty fun.
They're underrated. They had one big hit.
I don't even know who Kris Kross is.
[poignant music playing]
[Esther knocks] Bop, bop, bop. Hi, baby!
Hi.
Oh, sorry you had to wait.
They lost,
and they were fucking slow doing it.
I didn't know she was gonna be here.
Did you talk to her?
Like, what is she like?
Can I tell you something?
She fucking sucks.
- Dude, she's not as pretty in person.
- Uh-huh.
- Nobody likes her.
- Right.
I knew it.
Yeah.
I hate that I miss him so much.
[Esther sighs]
Let's go get a drink.
- Yeah, please.
- [car starts]
- [Morgan laughs] So dumb.
- It's pretty dumb.
Thank you though. Thank you for laughing.
[exhales] Well, that was weird.
What's so weird about it though?
Have you never had a guy friend
give you a ride home?
Uh, no.
- Do you even have any guy friends?
- No.
No, not really.
Okay. That's kinda weird.
- What?
- Yeah. It's weird.
- Like you have so many female friends?
- Yeah.
Who?
Uh, well, I, uh
- I had one, and then we got married.
- [Morgan] Okay.
Okay, so your wife.
Yes, there were more,
but she said they couldn't
come around anymore, so I guess
Okay, so I guess,
no, I don't have any female friends
beside the one who is now my wife.
Mm.
But we're friends, right?
Well, um
Yeah. Yeah, no, we're friends.
Great. Well, thank you, friend,
for the ride home.
You're welcome.
- Two stars. Bye.
- Thank you.
That's gonna bring up
my star rating to two.
[pensive music playing]
- [Noah] That game was sad.
- [Joanne] Agree.
If that ball
took one little bounce differently,
goes in, we would win.
You were talking about the ball.
I was talking about the lack of snacks.
- Oh, the lack of snacks. Yes.
- Yeah.
Of course. That too. I love snacks.
Why don't I go downstairs?
I'll grab everything I have.
I think I got pickles, chocolate, cheese.
I think I got a few berries.
What do you say? We'll eat 'em in bed
while we watch the worst show we can find.
I really enjoy you as a human being, okay?
That's a yes.
Oh, hey, can I grab a sweatshirt?
[Noah] As long as the jersey
doesn't come off.
[tense music playing]
- [Noah] I got a bunch of weird stuff.
- [box lid shuts]
[exhales]
Uh, hope you like fusion.
You okay?
Yeah.
[poignant music playing]
[music fades]