Operation Good Guys (1997) s01e07 Episode Script

Sylvia La Plage

Well, first job of the day is to have a meeting with the Commissioner.
And, uhto talk about further funding for the operation.
It's the last chance we have to finance the operation properly.
And I'm confident.
I feel pretty cool and confident.
After all, the open day went rather well.
So let's go and see.
Oi! (BLEEP) look where you're going! Dickhead! - Look where YOU'RE going! - It's your (BLEEP) car! I'm a police officer! (BLEEP) Pick your bike up and get on your bike! # The Good Guys! # Leyton, get over here now! - We were talking! - Sorry.
Right, explain.
The Commissioner's withdrawn the funds and the game's up.
- It's over.
- It's not over till I say it's over! - No need to shout.
- And who are these two? That's just, erm, fellow accountants.
- If you'll excuse us.
- Bye! What's the point in going on if it's finished? There's no (BLEEP) It's only over when I say it's over! - What are you wearing? - I got it at Next.
Those of you .
.
with any modicum of intelligence will have noticed that we don't have furniture any more.
We don't even have a toilet.
If you want to speak, put your hand up! And sit up! A lot of people in this situation Let's all get cross-legged and straight-backed! De Sade! - Cross-legged, please.
- Sir! I can't sit like that in these.
Well, take them off, then! Bones, in the corner, now! Stand up! Get in the corner.
That's where naughty boys go when they're cheeky.
They go in corners.
In that corner now! Thank you.
The other way! Face the wall! Ideas, please.
Bill? - Sir, we have no funds left at all? - No.
So what do we need a civil servant accountant for? Very, very good.
Leyton! Leave the room, please.
All right, Napoleon! Sir, as Ah-ah-ah! What do we do? When we want to speak, what do we do? Put a hand up, sir.
How much is in there? 20, 25 quid.
- We can get the Gucci, right? - Of course we can.
- We're getting Versace.
- Gucci's much better! We can do both.
Come on! Let's go.
(DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC: MOZART'S "THE MAGIC FLUTE") - What's going on? - Where's the money gone? - Where's the tea and coffee money? - I took it.
- You did what? What for? - I took it for the phone.
It's £4.
36 short.
Someone's been putting pesetas in it.
(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES) It had to come from somewhere.
So we suffer for someone else's crime? Yeah.
Cheers! He's unreal, that geezer.
I only got 20p! .
.
displaced - not displaced, but just different.
- Yeah.
- An empty feeling.
Feeling poor! The bit of newspaper in the corner, we could all do the toilet on it.
Oi! (LAUGHTER) (THEY SING "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME) - Are you all right? - You look a bit pale, mate! (LAUGHTER) Have you had a drink, Mark? No.
What's with your fingers, man? Olga Korbut was double-jointed.
Ray! Ray, where's me tablets? - (SWITCHES MUSIC OFF) - Where are the tablets? - You've had one today already.
- I'm having another one.
Find me one.
- Find them! - I don't think you should! If you'd be so kind, Ray.
It's toughened up the human excreta.
(BLEEP) It's got harder.
(BLEEP) Can I ask something? Why has the A.
R.
T.
got coffee and we haven't? In Islamic countries they don't use toilet paper at all.
They They wipe with one hand in the shower and they eat with the other.
- You keep it to yourself.
- And they keep their nails trimmed.
What do you mean, I look like a spider? Answer me sensibly.
How many did you take? Two.
Where did you find them? Over there.
They were just lying about.
- What did you take them for? - Don't Tongue tied, lizard's tongue! - What did you take them for? - I don't know.
They're not headache tablets.
They're the guv'nor's! You could've killed yourself! (ARIA FROM "THE MAGIC FLUTE") (BEACH SINGS ALONG) - 20 quid at the beginning - 20 quid for a cup of coffee is ridiculous! 20 quid is at the beginning of the week on a Monday.
Look, give him air, Bones! He's alive! Give him some air! - His pulse is normal.
- He's passed out.
His chest is rising up and down properly.
- Take the other side.
- Keep the heat on his head.
I don't want that getting any vomit on it.
You've got to keep the heat in.
Feathers are well-known for keeping the heat in.
Strings, open up the toilet! Right, guys.
I hate to do this to you, but it's Christmas Club money.
Only 24 weeks to Christmas.
- When will you pay us our overtime? - You'll have this money at Christmas.
You need your Christmas present early? - £2 a head, you said? - Yeah.
This is the problem.
Do you know what I mean? Communication, right? - Where's the book you write it down in? - Trust me.
Mark? Can you remember the date? I'm sure it was less than a month ago.
It's, erm Yeah, I'm gonna be here till quite late.
But when I come home, I'm gonna have to tell you something, Rita.
I'll have to tell you that it's, uh What? There is someone at the door.
Hold on.
There's someone at the door.
You were gonna tell her it was over! - I've got to do it in my own time.
- I've given you weeks! How are you feeling, Mark? I'm absolutely buzzing out of my trolley.
Are you sort of up or down or? Both, mate.
Absolutely just I don't know, I'm just rocking.
Got any left? You promised you were gonna tell her on the phone now.
We've got the rest of our lives together.
If this is gonna work, we've got the rest of our lives together.
No need to worry.
No need to worry about any of that.
Hold me nice and tight.
- Hi, guys.
Come on in.
- Hi! Have some champagne.
Hi.
Cheers.
Have some of that.
A toast.
We didn't get Smiler McCarthy, but it was a good old voyage.
Have one.
You're not on duty all the time.
- Celebrate with us.
- Cheers.
- Operation Good Guys! - Operation Good Guys! Hmm.
Nice and sweet, innit? Cheers, guys.
OK, everyone.
- Gather round.
- Strings! I've called this meeting.
I think, um (SOBBING NEARBY) Most of you probably already guessed that we've had the official line.
From 12 o'clock tomorrow, Operation Good Guys is cancelled.
Oh, great (!) (BLEEP) great! It's been a great shock, a great disappointment to us all.
The guv'nor's obviously very upset, so what I would suggest is you all have the day off, come back bright and early tomorrow and the guv'nor will give you his official debriefing.
Then, after, we can all get together and go for a drink.
Sorry! (SOBBING) Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome aboard this 747 service to Los Angeles.
Our route today will take us north over Manchester, the north coast of Scotland into the North Atlantic.
We fly north over Iceland, Greenland, down into Canada over Saskatchewan and Saskatoon So it just leaves me to say sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of your flight.
Cabin crew, doors manual.
Gentlemen, Kim, um Ray, do you have? Thanks for coming.
I have in my hand here a piece of paper.
Perhaps the camera can get that because I'd like to have this on record.
It's a postcard, a simple postcard from Spain from our friend Roy Leyton.
I'll read it to you.
It says, "Dear D.
I.
(BLEEP BLEEP) off, you (BLEEP) "(BLEEP) off, you (BLEEP) off, off, you (BLEEP) "Come and get me if you're big enough.
Love you (BLEEP), Roy.
"PS.
I've taken all your money.
" Yes, that's charming, isn't it? What's happened, our friend Mr Leyton has run off with all the funding for Operation Good Guys.
And is now residing in Spain with a suitcase full of money.
(BLEEP) bastard! They say a lot of money went missing, but what's that got to do with me? I happened to take early retirement and move to Spain when that money went missing, but they haven't proved it.
This card totally exonerates all of you.
All of us.
I don't view this operation as being a failure at all.
I think we've been the victim of somebody who has no scruples doesn't know the meaning of the word "honesty".
I think you can all be very proud of yourselves indeed.
If anybody wants to try and get me out this country, I've got important friends.
No names, but a lot of important friends.
I'm gutted.
We're all gutted because - We tried our hardest.
- We were just beginning to gel.
- Yeah.
- It's like a band.
- It takes time for the chemistry - It was coming together.
And some slime-ball accountant who I never liked Did you like Leyton? No, he had a bad taste in dress as well.
It ruined it for us because we didn't have any money.
We had a bit of bad luck, a few little foul-ups.
We have to admit that.
- Nice card he sent us! - (BLEEP) (CAMERAMAN) So what would you do if you met Roy walking down the street? - Hang him.
- Arrest him.
Arrest him.
He'd hang him, I'd arrest him.
In that order! Well, first of all, thank you for coming.
Well done for finding us here in Europe.
Not many people track us down here at Interpol.
We like to keep ourselves to ourselves.
I've looked at the tapes that you've sent and clearly they're extraordinarily convincing and very interesting.
And I would not be doing my job if I didn't say that we will take and hope to take some action from that, and I think you have put up a very convincing case.
As we know, in certain countries of the world business is fuelled by what we in the West might regard as underhand bribery whatever you call it.
I don't like to call it bribery, but I think we've got to have different standards for different things, if I make myself clear which II hope I don't.
Because if there's one thing that you've got it's a trust in each other.
That trust only comes about by being honest with each other.
Smiler McCarthy and myself appreciate you putting off the film crew and all that you've done for us.
We've got a small appreciation for you.
Thanks.
- All right? - OK.
Bones What do you think of me? Well, I think that you're fantastically firm but fair, sir.
Honesty.
You see what I mean? Mark What do you think of Bones? What do you mean? - Your opinion of your colleague.
- He's all right.
We haven't seen the last of each other for today either.
We're going to get together later for a bit of a party.
You all deserve that at least.
And I promise you at that party I'm going to be very honest with you.
I'd like to see you later.
Bye-bye.
(APPLAUSE) Very pleased you all made it this evening.
Enjoy yourselves.
There's someone now Quiet at the back! There's someone now I would personally like to introduce.
You've known him as something different, but tonight he wants to be introduced Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Sylvia La Plage! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a night for being honest.
Music, maestro! # I am what I am # I am my own special creation # So come take a look # Give me the hook # Or the ovation # It's my world that I want to take a little pride in # My world and it's not a place for me to hide in # Life's not worth a damn # Until you can shout out # I am what I am! # # I # So what did you think of that, then? I was just saying to the boys that Ialmost knew.
It's come as a surprise, but I had an idea.
# .
.
I think it's pretty # And so what if I love each bauble and each bangle? # I'm stunned.
I can't believe it.
To be honest I think, I mean it's funny what he's saying about honesty.
I think it's wrong.
I don't agree with men dressing up as women.
I'm being honest! It's true.
I don't think that men dressing up as women is normal.
But he's got guts.
You wouldn't get me in a pair of tights! # I deal my own deck # Sometimes the ace # Sometimes the deuces # It's one life and there's no return and no deposit # One life, so it's time to open up your closet # Life's not worth a damn # Till you can shout out # I am what I am! # That was the boss? Was that the boss on the stage? - You gotta laugh - Shut up! It's a woman! No wonder you've got problems! Shut up! It's actually the boss that was on? Oh I don't know about that.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, Sylvia La Plage! (WHISTLES) There comes a time in everybody's life when it's right, it's the right thing to do.
OK, things weren't going to plan, so the time was right for me.
And we're all gonna have a good time! - (CHEERING) - Yes, Sylvia! It's my round, but I can't find me wallet! - I'll find it for you.
- Cheeky! Reminded me of Les Dawson.
When he first came on, I thought it was a bird, you know, a proper woman.
He actually looked like he was enjoying himself.
Do you think so? I honestly didn't know it was the guv'nor.
He was really good.
You approve of your guv'nor being a cross-dresser? - You liked that? - Yeah, it was great.
Did you not enjoy it? Listen, we were quite shocked.
It was a bit of fun.
As long as it doesn't go any further.
He's got a great voice, a fantastic voice.
I've got the highest respect for D.
I.
Beach.
And I've got the highest respect for Sylvia La Plage.
And, uh, whatever Sir or Madam wants to be, in my eyes, he'll be one.
It was a bit of a surprise at first, but I think that Actually, he's quite attractive, isn't he? You could've at least shaved your back! Sorry, it's a bit sticky, sweaty.
- Sir, was this made for you? - Yes.
Bill's got a natural touch for dresses.
I am absolutely elated and God bless Sylvia! That's all I can say.
God bless! Catching all that on film? What are we gonna do with you? Yeah, well, never mind the boss.
The boss is happy with himself, but I tell you what.
This is what I call a happy ending, 'cause I'm back with my wife.
Did you deliberately come out to ruin my night? Did you try to ruin my evening, Gary? Our last evening together as a team! What is she doing here? - She's my wife.
- What are you doing back together? You promised you would stay with me! We're gonna go away to the Bahamas.
- Are we? - Yes.
Maybe have ahave a baby.
- You're gonna go, are you? - I'm sorry.
- Go on, then, Gary! - Don't start no trouble! - Don't get all Glenn Close on me! - Go on! Go off! Can I just tell you one more thing before you go through that door? - I'm heavy with your child! - What did you say? What can I say? It's It's a release.
It's a fantastic feeling, not just to have everybody support me the way they did.
You saw that out there.
It was fabulous.
Andmy nails are falling off.
Ermbut also just to be honest and know I'm being honest with myself and my team have been honest with themselves and with me and loyal.
The loyalty, I mean is just incredible.
Excuse me.
And if they carry on with that honesty and truth throughout their careers, they will do terribly well.
And if Ihave played any part in making them the officers that they are, then I'm happy.
I'm so happy tonight.
Can we turn it off? Please.
Do you mind? # We're just a couple of friends # We travel life's road together # Taking all the bends # Up and down # It's the way fate goes # Life throws the punches # And I get the blows # My buddy and I # Are a couple of gay old chums # We've got the high life # So who needs the gals? # We are amigos 'cause I go where he goes # And he goes where I goes 'cause we are amigos # We're just a couple of pals # Ooh! # We're a couple of pals! # A couple of pals # Gotta say goodnight to you, Bruce.
# A couple of pals # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What we must realise, the lesson to be learned is it's never over till it's over.
This isn't the end.
It's just the beginning.
And OK, we haven't got any more funding because a certain Mr Leyton ran away with it, but we're gonna look elsewhere - thank you, Ray - for funding now.
We might go to the City, we may go into Europe.
We could even go across the ocean to find private funding, but that man Leyton, and more importantly McCarthy, will not escape my reach.
- I will get to them.
- This is not Tony Blair.
- It's Smiler McCarthy.
- Ray, please.
Gone, gone.
Ray, keep a lid on it.
Sorry.
We will get these people.
They will be brought to book.
And I'm gonna be right there on the front row when it happens.
I'm saying just keep it down.
I think I've found a new career path.
Strings' brother's band.
They're called Feelybooth.
I'm gonna manage 'em.
Go part-time in the police, back in the Specials for the occasional punch-up.
# Do you remember # When we were a couple of kids? # The truth is we have a cracking squad here.
- A cracking squad? - Yes.
Our funding was spirited away - Who spirited it? - Well, an accountant did.
# When we were three foot tall # Hello.
I'm Victor Kiam.
I've got the smallest hair dryer made.
It is marvellous.
It's called Travel Smart.
It'll fit in a woman's purse.
And I've got a hygienic clipper for nose and ear hair.
Those two things I love to sell, but Operation Good Guys, I could not sell that to anybody! I think actually I've been thinking about it.
I reckon I'm gonna co-manage the band.
Bones is interested in doing something and we're at a bit of a loose end, so we'll do a co-management thing.
Oi! You're my assistant! No.
It's co-management.
No, you're my assistant.
I'm managing 'em.
You're my assistant.
We'll see.
# And when we were # It's my brother's band.
I'm helping them out a bit, but it's down to them.
My performing days are over.
# .
.
and still be on the road # The storm in September # The wind and summer rain # We've got a cab? We have transport? - It's outside.
- OK.
Let's go.
- You look a million dollars.
- You're a cheeky boy.
See you, lads.
Goodnight! You have a good 'un.
See ya.
# Ready or not, here I come # I'm gonna get you # Ready or not, here I come # I'm gonna get you # Ready or not, here I come # I'm gonna get you, get you, get you # I'm gonna get you! # - Are you all right? - That's it.

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