Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e07 Episode Script
Wealth Gap
1 [clock ticking.]
[announcer.]
You're watching "60 Minutes.
" Here's Anderson Cooper.
Her birth name is Stephanie Clifford, but elementary-school history books will forever refer to her as Stormy Daniels.
In 2006, she allegedly had sex with a recently married Donald Trump, his chin dripping with a Lipitor/bull hormone/cookie-dough milkshake.
Then she accepted $130,000 to stay silent about what Americans already instinctively knew in their amygdala hindbrain.
Here now is President Trump's side of the story.
Stormy Daniels is lying.
Unless she says I'm a wildcat in bed, in which case it's all true.
If this didn't happen, why did she receive $130,000 from Michael Cohen, your lawyer, who always looks like he just realized he ate some bad clams? The money was consolation for missing out on the most intense orgasmic sexual awakening of her life.
I approach love-making like I approach the breakfast buffet me first and always a guy nearby making omelets.
- Do you plan to pay back your lawyer? - Nope.
Stormy Daniels claims you did not sign the non-disclosure agreement.
I was too busy planning Space Force.
Isn't it great that cops, teachers, and astronauts are now militarized? Hey, IRS agents! Get ready for calculators that shoot 20 rounds a second! Does Stormy Daniels have compromising pictures and videos of you? And how much are you looking forward to seeing Mike Pence's face after they're released? I've seen the photos, and it's clearly not my penis.
No part of me appears on camera without several ladles of Maybelline Super Stay foundation.
Sir, this allegedly occurred one year after you married Melania.
She's the foreign one with the brown hair? Right, but me and my pregnant wife hadn't really defined the relationship.
Even at the wedding, we were like, "Where is this going?" We've obtained audio of an alleged encounter between you and Miss Daniels.
[doorbell rings.]
[announcer.]
Go to 60MinutesOvertime.
com to watch Donald Trump explain why Rex Tillerson, the former CEO of Exxon, was too much of a goody two shoes for him.
[title music.]
1x07 - Wealth Gap Wow! What is this? A thousand letters? [camera shutters clicking.]
[music.]
[man.]
Forbes Magazine loves you so much, Donald! Now give me filthy rich.
So good.
Now give me vain, glorious, syphilitic boy-king rich.
You've done this before, haven't you? Now give me "blissfully unaware that people won't stand for this much longer" rich.
We got the shot.
We actually got it hours ago, but you told me to keep snapping so you wouldn't have to go back to work.
What the hell is an honorable mention?! I told them I'm richer than God, and they demanded proof! When God shows His tax returns, I'll show mine! I'm sure it was just an honest mistake.
Must be.
I'm not gonna spend another minute - thinking about this stupid list.
- That's good, Donald.
You do have a country to run, after all.
Number 70, Harold Hamm number 69, Masayoshi Son number 68, the Hinduja brothers You listen to me, you son of a bitch.
I'm always on the list! I was on Forbes' Richest 70 over 70 list when I was 65! Was that the editor-in-chief? Prime Minister of Indonesia.
He was calling about an earthquake or something, and we got sidetracked.
You know, sir, there's really only one list that matters.
Playboy's list of hottest women without a father figure? Saint Peter's list! The list that determines who gets into the big "H" upstairs and who takes the haunted hayride to hell.
Eh, you're right.
No one reads those dumb lists anyway.
What's all this? Did Jeff Sessions die? Oh, I won't die for a long time.
I got work to do yet.
Sir, we heard the news about Forbes.
We, of course, wanted to pay our respects to your waning personal fortune.
Oh, my God.
Do you think I care that Forbes said on page 25 that "a tough real-estate market, costly lawsuit, and expensive Presidential campaign reduced my wealth $600 million?" - Yes.
Absolutely.
Yes.
- Wrong.
I am 100% secure with my net worth.
Speaking of, guess how much it really is, Nuch.
Three four twelve billion trillion? Exactly! Three, four, twelve billion trillion.
Now tell everyone how many feet of crap is in your pants.
Sir, if you do need some cash, we started a GoFundMe for you and your family.
I don't want your charity.
Give it to Mike Pence.
He's so poor, he believes in God! Mike's so poor, before he offers a penny for your thoughts, he has to refinance his house! Pence is so busted, he's never chucked a Ford Fiesta - into a lake just to piss off some fish.
- Material wealth is secondary to the wealth of an unflinchingly righteous heart.
Although, now that you mention it, I would like to see what electric can openers are all about.
Forbes is full of it, but on the off chance that something slipped through the cracks, I need to check my accounts.
[curtains slide.]
You know the drill.
Just to reiterate, I do have additional space on my scrotum.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Looks like someone's been making questionable decisions with my money for the last five decades.
You've got to be loaded to keep that wife of yours.
What does this have to do with Melania? Women only care about one thing money.
Whereas all I need from a date is absolute silence and combative eye contact.
Honey, do you think my designer-shoe Ferris wheel - should go here or here? - Melania, imagine I was poor.
Would you still be married to me if I could only afford a normal-length, poor-guy tie? Come on, Donald.
What would I do if I left you? Live with the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, who already promised me a Lamborghini with gel doors you can step through? Now, where should this big diamond go? I usually use it to poke open my FAGE yogurt.
[music.]
[Vice President Pence.]
Hey, Kare Bear? Say I got incredibly rich and we could have everything we ever desired.
Would you still want to be with me? I don't put much stock in material goods.
The only thing Adam and Eve had to wear was a pair of turtleneck sweaters, and they did just fine.
I have everything I need.
Well, almost.
It's Jerry.
You miss him, don't you? He was our first little angel piglet.
[voice breaking.]
And I'll always regret the way his life was cut short.
I didn't mean to knock him off the window sill.
I just wanted him to see the first snowfall.
But I'm gonna do my darndest to provide for us, to fill that Jerry-sized gap in our hearts.
[President Trump.]
So many average Joes out there.
They all love me.
They think, "Hey, I'm just like Donald Trump, except he's rich and therefore a million times better than me.
" But no one loves a loser.
That's why I'm asking for help from you, the most average man in America, "Fox & Friends" host Brian Kilmeade.
Thank you, sir.
As requested, I've conducted a top-secret focus group of Fox News viewers, consisting mainly of elderly white men waiting for diners to open.
Don't hold back.
I can handle it.
I have thick, ram-like skin.
Why haven't you responded to what I just said? Do you hate me? We asked respondents what they would do if you were poor.
The most common answers withdrawal of support, violent uprising, and use your body to find out what happens when a human steps outside of a Space Shuttle.
My God.
I can't ever let them know.
Listen to me, Brian.
You were never here.
You don't exist.
You're just skin wrapped around a gooey core.
That's what Ailes used to say! All right, boys, we're gonna show this nation that I'm still superduper rich.
Step one, add helicopter propellers to all my houses.
I don't want to contradict you, because you're my father and I fucking love you, but, like, some of The Trump Organization numbers - are not looking good.
- [crying.]
The office manager said we couldn't have the Christmas party and the K-Keebler Elf tree! Pull it together, E-Roc! We're in the clear so long as we don't spend too much money on dumb crap, like wolf blacklight posters.
Actually, that poster is cool.
[sobbing.]
Dad, I need that wolf! Come on.
Stop crying, you two.
Wealth isn't about how much money you have.
[music.]
It's about how much money you rub in people's faces.
And right now this nation needs to believe that my wallet is stuffed with something other than gastroenterologists' business cards! [music.]
This poor, backwards country wants to live vicariously through an insanely rich leader, so let's give 'em what they want.
Let me ask you how do you two robber barons flaunt your spoils? Real billionaires don't talk about their money.
They just use it to print textbooks that say God invented dinosaurs in 1956.
People don't always know I'm rich when they meet me.
A lot of them just assume I'm their dentist.
- That is, until I flash this baby.
- Say, that's a nice timepiece.
- Really screams, "I looted your pension fund.
" - Thank you! Gift from my wife, what's-her-name, after I threw her an insanely expensive wedding.
Hmm! [music.]
[crowd.]
Hannity! Welcome back to Hannity, where the conservative guests are hot and the liberal guests are weathered tires made to look like people.
On to my new segment, "Rich Guys"! We're joined today by the richest guy I know, President Donald J.
Trump.
And "J" stands for Jackpot.
Am I right? I think I know that much.
[chuckles.]
Donald Trump.
Hey, Sean.
It's a pleasure to be here, in between my enormously expensive habits and princely dealings.
So, what's the next rich thing for America's favorite rich guy? The very unfair Forbes Magazine launched some untrue accusations about my wealth! And to the haters, I say this Would a not-rich guy do this? Mrs.
Melania S? Trump will you marry me again? Only, this time, at the most expensive wedding in world history! When we come back, I, Sean Hannity, as Melania Trump, describe the feeling of being the happiest girl in the whole wide world! [music.]
Here she is, the most prized Pence family heirloom my great-great-grandmother Fern's antique squirrel catcher.
I hate to part with her, but Karen and I can no longer subsist on just my meager public-sector salary.
My wife is gonna get such a kick out of this real piece of Americana.
She's never been to real America.
- Doesn't have the proper shots.
- Wow! $200! I shouldn't have looked at the amount.
Now God knows I know.
I can't wait to walk into that church wearing my million-dollar suit.
It's gonna make Jesus wish he were dead.
I cannot wait, either! It will be nice to get married again, this time knowing full well what I'm getting myself into.
- But are you sure we can afford it? - Am I really the kind of guy that sinks millions of dollars into bad ideas? Now, what do you think about having a walk-in cake? Michael, are you sure we can afford the California Pizza Kitchen? I mean, this place has pizzas and flatbreads.
I feel like the Marquis de Sade.
- And I've got one more surprise.
- [gasps.]
Jerry?! - How could it be? - It's Jerry's son, Jerry Jr.
He's young and full of fight.
Do you like him? He's beautiful! But, uh, I got to know, how much is this gonna set us back? No more money talk tonight.
In fact Waiter! Another round of CPK lemonades for me and wife, Karen Pence! And, sir! We'll take all the napkins you can carry! Ooooooh! So, after I arrive at the ceremony in a silver sleigh, I'll roll on golden billiards to the altar.
Right.
And at the reception, we'll serve an edible line of Ivanka Trump cocktail dresses.
Uh, hate to be the buzz slayer, but it is my fiduciary duty to inform everyone that from a business standpoint, your wedding is shooting money out of its hairy ass.
Exactly.
See ya at the reception.
Hold up, Dad! The vendors are demanding cash and threatening to kick my ass.
It doesn't help that I keep getting ripped off - by bogus swan wranglers! - Don't worry, fellas.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's to pull myself out of a money pit using the world's most sophisticated business techniques.
You've seen the red MAGA hats, [music.]
the white "Build the Wall" hats, and the pink "Lock Her Up" hats for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
But today I present the next generation of MAGA must-haves! First, the official Donald J.
Trump step ladder! This thing is a real beauty.
[snap.]
That's gold for ya, folks.
Next up, a sack of MAGA-brand oysters aged to perfection.
- Ben, how's that taste? - Like the damp underside of the boardwalk.
Tremendous! All of these products are available on my website, whitehouse.
gov.
Remember every dollar you spend is a dollar that gets to attend my wedding! [cheers and applause.]
$3.
99 at Michaels? Two Yankee Candles? That can't be right.
Karen, our identity has been stolen! Don't be silly, Michael.
I just swung by the mall for a couple Kare Bear necessities.
That reminds me I'm heading to JCPenney to pick up some earrings that look like little pumpkins.
But you already have those earrings that look like little jingle bells.
Since I updated my wardrobe, Steve Mnuchin's wife no longer clutches her purse when we ride the elevator.
And Betsy DeVos doesn't direct me to the nearest winter-coat drive.
Things are finally coming up Karen Sue Pence! - All right.
You go to Penneys.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
Jerry Jr.
and I love you so much.
He whispered it to me when I was brushing his teeth! Melania, you should've seen the way those people ate up my merch.
They all wanted a piece of Mr.
Luxury himself.
That's me, by the way.
I'm trying that name out.
Stick to the name "Trump.
" It's synonymous with high-quality.
[gavel banging.]
Have you or someone you know been injured by a Donald Trump brand MAGA product? If so, you may be entitled to mountains of money.
Hi! I'm Ted Cruz! And I am working to get you the cash you deserve! Call today! I'll answer on or before the first ring, as I'm often mashing the answer button already, just in case someone calls and then regrets it! Flip past the Jews and choose Ted Cruz Well, that is the last time I try to do something nice.
[music.]
I don't usually fraternize with environmental lobbyists.
- So, what's the offer? - You spare 2,000 acres of deciduous forest preserve, and this $800 goes to your super PAC.
Dear God, I know you had those acres earmarked for copper mining, but I have to give Karen the life she's always dreamed of multi-colored scrunchies and all.
[President Trump.]
Ted, I can't keep settling your lawsuits.
Sorry, Donald! I'm a shark! And not just due to the license plates in my stomach and the fact that people put up "Beach Is Closed" signs whenever I'm spotted near a vacation town! What do you even need the money for? I always wanted to be a rich dude cuff links, socks, deodorant get that fallen oak tree removed from my living room, a separate room for my wailing, invalid, ghost granny.
Gonna build a tower next to your tower, Don, slap the name "Ted Cruz" in pea green right on the front! Thinkin' 900 floors! Adabba, dabba, dabba, dooba, dabba, dooba, dabba, dooba, dabba, doo! [woman.]
Speaking on behalf of the National Arbor Society, we celebrate this oak sapling, who only stands here today because of the conservation efforts of Vice President Mike Pence.
That sapling better keep its mouth shut! Michael! Don't ruin such a lovely occasion.
Especially when I'm looking sporty in my new Chico's denim utility vest.
Because I got the store credit card, I get 3% off, plus a free bookmark on my birthday! May God and the Koch brothers have mercy on my soul.
[Don Jr.
.]
So, to discredit all these people in Ted Cruz's class-action lawsuit, we did like you said and took out full-page ads attacking their character in their hometown newspapers.
I think it's really working, because now they're all suing you for libel.
- Whew! - I don't feel well.
I'm starting to sweat through my undersuit.
I need the calm, soothing voice of Hannity.
[Sean Hannity.]
Everyone, shut up! Welcome back to Rich Guys: Bad Boy Edition.
[crowd.]
Rich Guys! Bad Boy Edition.
I'm here with the newly minted multimillionaire Ted Cruz.
And, boy, Ted, I've got a bone to pick with you.
Get him, Sean! It says here Hold on.
You made your fortune by pilfering from the coffers of the richest man in history, President Donald Jackpot Trump.
- What gives? - Yep, yep, yep, yep.
That's true.
That's true, Sean.
That's true.
But we live in a country where no one-percenter should ever have to justify why or how he obtained his massive fortune! Can't argue with that.
Wow.
Ted Cruz, you won me over.
Now that you're not just barely rich but you're actually fantastically rich, I love everything about you.
Can I just look at you? [humming.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just like that.
Ooh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Aaaaah! [screams.]
[music.]
That's a lot of nutmeg, Karen.
Oh, so, now you're the nutmeg police? Karen These cost $4.
99 apiece at Food Safe! Come on.
Get seasoned, Daddy.
- Ride the nut with me, Mike.
- What's next? Rosemary? You're too late, baby.
I done did it.
- Karen! No! - [gasps.]
Give it to me! I need it! - Mamma's gotta nut! - Oh! This is all my fault! I should never have bought Jerry Jr.
! I should have let what's lost stay buried.
- But it ends today! - Nooo! [garbage disposal whirs.]
It's for your own good, Karen.
You've become an unruly woman.
So, that's how you want to play it, Michael.
Please! Not Jerry Jr.
! He doesn't understand what's happening! He's just a little baby.
Look at you, standing there all high and mighty, with a shiny, new wide-toothed comb in your pocket! - It was free! - With a $5 shampoo at Great Clips! - You hypocrite! - No! He can't wind up like his daddy! Goodbye, Jerry Jr.
And goodbye, Michael.
[shatters.]
[sobbing.]
I can't believe I sprained my hand grabbing Eric's scalp.
How could you do that to me, Eric?! You're right, Dad.
I shouldn't have What did I do, exactly? Dad, these vendors are literally kicking me in the ass! I got sucker-punched by a fucking florist! You'll need more money if you want to pay for this wedding.
And a new crop of bogus swan wranglers.
Also, I fucked up the hot-tub filter really bad shit-ton of egg whites in there now.
Heh-heh.
[Melania.]
Where is my girthy groom hiding? Everybody, shut up.
When Melania comes in here, do not mention anything about M-O-N-E-Y dollar sign, dollar sign, cha-ching, cash, awooga! Hello, sweetheart.
So nice of you to check on me.
Bye-bye now.
You're acting weird.
And why is your hand in a cast and Eric missing half of his hair? Just your run-of-the-mill pre-wedding bone snaps and head trauma.
Are you excited for the cocktail hour, with redirected asteroid fly-over? I nixed that.
SpaceX wanted a $3-million deposit.
And when I didn't have it, Elon Musk laughed my ass straight out of his rocket factory! [sobs.]
Ohh! Elon! Ever since the Forbes came out, he keeps sending me heart-shaped Mars rocks, so maybe I could call him and ask for a discount.
No.
Absolutely not.
I've never said this before, but, Melania, we are paying full price.
Okay, great.
I invited my 100-year-old nana who may survive one flight but definitely won't survive two.
Dad, I love you, but you are so fucked.
[music.]
[music.]
Mike, I'm gonna need to stay with you for a while.
Money's a little tight.
Had to Airbnb my place to Mnuchin.
He wanted to show his wife, what's-her-name, a piece of real American history.
So, you put the squirrel bait in here cheese, peanut butter, some pert little acorn bulbs.
And then, bam, closes right on the little sucker.
That's gross! Count of three, say what you're thinking.
One, two, three.
- This place fucking sucks.
- This place fucking sucks.
I'll take the bed.
It's not an imposition.
And I don't want to hear another word about it.
Whatever.
Nothing matters now that I've lost the two most important things in my life my wife of 32 years and my porcelain angel pig.
What'd you do have an affair and then publicize it in a national newspaper? - No.
We got into it over - Eh, it turns out I don't care.
Mediterranean Breeze? Cherries in Snow? [gasps.]
Sage and Citrus! A nasal mistress! [dramatic music.]
Ma'am.
What are you doing? You can't stop this candle train to Wax Town! Aaaah! [crunching.]
Your Oreo cookies taste like crap, Mike.
Karen, it's me.
Your husband.
Michael Pence.
I'll buy you all the seasonings you want and donate my comb to the church.
Just, please, come home.
I used to think it was men licking each other's thighs, but the love of money truly is the root of all evil.
Look, Mike, money's great.
It's just hard to get rich and stay rich.
You should consider yourself lucky to be poor as piss.
That way, you never disappoint anybody.
Let's hope the ladies I meet in the dating pool agree.
Say, do women still like being taken to popcorn festivals? Mike, get Karen back.
If she leaves you, you'll be dead by dawn.
- Ugh! These Oreo cookies - Yeah, you're right.
How do you maintain your storybook romance? Melania loves me because I'm [crying.]
the richest man in the whole world.
And America loves me, too, right?! Right, Mike?! Tell me America loves me, you stubborn fucking asshole! Of course, sir.
Your supporters don't love you because you're any old rich guy, but because you act like how they would act if they got rich.
They'd have fast food delivered on demand, they'd buy 20 TVs, and they'd blame the world's ills on those less fortunate than them.
You know what, Mike? You're right.
And you don't need three, four, twelve billion trillion dollars to do those things.
When all is said and done, all you really need is a billion dollars.
[crunches.]
[telephone rings.]
Pence residence.
It's Sunday.
You should be in church.
Heavens to Betsy! I'll be right there! [music.]
I knew women only cared about money! Shut up, Stephen, or I'll tell Donald that you sneak into our room to inhale his breath while he sleeps.
What I do with your husband's breath is - none of your business! - Hmm.
Forbes Magazine.
They do their research.
I had to restrain her for her own safety, as well as mine.
She bit my ear lobe pretty bad.
Swallowed my gauge, too.
Oh, Kare Bear.
What has become of you? Ohh.
I got carried away with the idea of being a fancy woman about town, walking out of Chico's with enough bags to feel like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" after she found a store willing to sell clothing to whores.
I am so sorry.
No, Karen, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I tried to keep up with all those belt-wearing hotshots in the Cabinet Room, and I endangered our union in the process.
Do you forgive me? - Can I keep the Chico's vest? - Let's compromise.
You can visit it in the store whenever you like.
Deal.
Uh, Dad, this fairy-tale wedding has turned into a fairy-tale ass-kicking! It's time to pony up some cash or admit that you can't afford this biatch! I don't know, Don.
Can you fight off the vendors another day? I mean, your legs still bend.
I'm not gonna tell you where the pastry chef just put the piping bag, but now I'm a walking éclair.
He put it up my ass.
So make a decision, dude! [music.]
One billion dollars that I definitely do have.
[sobbing.]
[Melania.]
Donald, I've been looking for you.
Melania.
[music.]
Donald Trump's $1-billion wedding has been canceled! The president says he refuses to throw himself an amazing party until our nation's borders have been padlocked and the keys have been swallowed by a mythical sea beast! Next up, has ISIS infiltrated the wedding-planning industry? We've got correspondent Donald Trump Jr.
on the phone.
[Don Jr.
.]
The answer is, yes, they fucking have.
ISIS fucked me up! So, maybe we lost a few million in swan deposits and a six-story wedding cake with icing shutters.
- But at least I saved Don Jr.
's life.
- To be clear, I'm the one who canceled the wedding without you knowing.
Yeah, but I'm the one who couldn't afford it.
[sighs.]
Fine.
You win.
Just stop lying to me about money.
There's only so many lies one woman can take.
I thought you said you'd never leave me over money.
Actually I said if I was ever going to leave you, I would have done it a long, long, long time ago.
Although, if your net worth ever drops below $100 billion, we will have to have a serious discussion! ['80s-style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!
[announcer.]
You're watching "60 Minutes.
" Here's Anderson Cooper.
Her birth name is Stephanie Clifford, but elementary-school history books will forever refer to her as Stormy Daniels.
In 2006, she allegedly had sex with a recently married Donald Trump, his chin dripping with a Lipitor/bull hormone/cookie-dough milkshake.
Then she accepted $130,000 to stay silent about what Americans already instinctively knew in their amygdala hindbrain.
Here now is President Trump's side of the story.
Stormy Daniels is lying.
Unless she says I'm a wildcat in bed, in which case it's all true.
If this didn't happen, why did she receive $130,000 from Michael Cohen, your lawyer, who always looks like he just realized he ate some bad clams? The money was consolation for missing out on the most intense orgasmic sexual awakening of her life.
I approach love-making like I approach the breakfast buffet me first and always a guy nearby making omelets.
- Do you plan to pay back your lawyer? - Nope.
Stormy Daniels claims you did not sign the non-disclosure agreement.
I was too busy planning Space Force.
Isn't it great that cops, teachers, and astronauts are now militarized? Hey, IRS agents! Get ready for calculators that shoot 20 rounds a second! Does Stormy Daniels have compromising pictures and videos of you? And how much are you looking forward to seeing Mike Pence's face after they're released? I've seen the photos, and it's clearly not my penis.
No part of me appears on camera without several ladles of Maybelline Super Stay foundation.
Sir, this allegedly occurred one year after you married Melania.
She's the foreign one with the brown hair? Right, but me and my pregnant wife hadn't really defined the relationship.
Even at the wedding, we were like, "Where is this going?" We've obtained audio of an alleged encounter between you and Miss Daniels.
[doorbell rings.]
[announcer.]
Go to 60MinutesOvertime.
com to watch Donald Trump explain why Rex Tillerson, the former CEO of Exxon, was too much of a goody two shoes for him.
[title music.]
1x07 - Wealth Gap Wow! What is this? A thousand letters? [camera shutters clicking.]
[music.]
[man.]
Forbes Magazine loves you so much, Donald! Now give me filthy rich.
So good.
Now give me vain, glorious, syphilitic boy-king rich.
You've done this before, haven't you? Now give me "blissfully unaware that people won't stand for this much longer" rich.
We got the shot.
We actually got it hours ago, but you told me to keep snapping so you wouldn't have to go back to work.
What the hell is an honorable mention?! I told them I'm richer than God, and they demanded proof! When God shows His tax returns, I'll show mine! I'm sure it was just an honest mistake.
Must be.
I'm not gonna spend another minute - thinking about this stupid list.
- That's good, Donald.
You do have a country to run, after all.
Number 70, Harold Hamm number 69, Masayoshi Son number 68, the Hinduja brothers You listen to me, you son of a bitch.
I'm always on the list! I was on Forbes' Richest 70 over 70 list when I was 65! Was that the editor-in-chief? Prime Minister of Indonesia.
He was calling about an earthquake or something, and we got sidetracked.
You know, sir, there's really only one list that matters.
Playboy's list of hottest women without a father figure? Saint Peter's list! The list that determines who gets into the big "H" upstairs and who takes the haunted hayride to hell.
Eh, you're right.
No one reads those dumb lists anyway.
What's all this? Did Jeff Sessions die? Oh, I won't die for a long time.
I got work to do yet.
Sir, we heard the news about Forbes.
We, of course, wanted to pay our respects to your waning personal fortune.
Oh, my God.
Do you think I care that Forbes said on page 25 that "a tough real-estate market, costly lawsuit, and expensive Presidential campaign reduced my wealth $600 million?" - Yes.
Absolutely.
Yes.
- Wrong.
I am 100% secure with my net worth.
Speaking of, guess how much it really is, Nuch.
Three four twelve billion trillion? Exactly! Three, four, twelve billion trillion.
Now tell everyone how many feet of crap is in your pants.
Sir, if you do need some cash, we started a GoFundMe for you and your family.
I don't want your charity.
Give it to Mike Pence.
He's so poor, he believes in God! Mike's so poor, before he offers a penny for your thoughts, he has to refinance his house! Pence is so busted, he's never chucked a Ford Fiesta - into a lake just to piss off some fish.
- Material wealth is secondary to the wealth of an unflinchingly righteous heart.
Although, now that you mention it, I would like to see what electric can openers are all about.
Forbes is full of it, but on the off chance that something slipped through the cracks, I need to check my accounts.
[curtains slide.]
You know the drill.
Just to reiterate, I do have additional space on my scrotum.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Looks like someone's been making questionable decisions with my money for the last five decades.
You've got to be loaded to keep that wife of yours.
What does this have to do with Melania? Women only care about one thing money.
Whereas all I need from a date is absolute silence and combative eye contact.
Honey, do you think my designer-shoe Ferris wheel - should go here or here? - Melania, imagine I was poor.
Would you still be married to me if I could only afford a normal-length, poor-guy tie? Come on, Donald.
What would I do if I left you? Live with the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, who already promised me a Lamborghini with gel doors you can step through? Now, where should this big diamond go? I usually use it to poke open my FAGE yogurt.
[music.]
[Vice President Pence.]
Hey, Kare Bear? Say I got incredibly rich and we could have everything we ever desired.
Would you still want to be with me? I don't put much stock in material goods.
The only thing Adam and Eve had to wear was a pair of turtleneck sweaters, and they did just fine.
I have everything I need.
Well, almost.
It's Jerry.
You miss him, don't you? He was our first little angel piglet.
[voice breaking.]
And I'll always regret the way his life was cut short.
I didn't mean to knock him off the window sill.
I just wanted him to see the first snowfall.
But I'm gonna do my darndest to provide for us, to fill that Jerry-sized gap in our hearts.
[President Trump.]
So many average Joes out there.
They all love me.
They think, "Hey, I'm just like Donald Trump, except he's rich and therefore a million times better than me.
" But no one loves a loser.
That's why I'm asking for help from you, the most average man in America, "Fox & Friends" host Brian Kilmeade.
Thank you, sir.
As requested, I've conducted a top-secret focus group of Fox News viewers, consisting mainly of elderly white men waiting for diners to open.
Don't hold back.
I can handle it.
I have thick, ram-like skin.
Why haven't you responded to what I just said? Do you hate me? We asked respondents what they would do if you were poor.
The most common answers withdrawal of support, violent uprising, and use your body to find out what happens when a human steps outside of a Space Shuttle.
My God.
I can't ever let them know.
Listen to me, Brian.
You were never here.
You don't exist.
You're just skin wrapped around a gooey core.
That's what Ailes used to say! All right, boys, we're gonna show this nation that I'm still superduper rich.
Step one, add helicopter propellers to all my houses.
I don't want to contradict you, because you're my father and I fucking love you, but, like, some of The Trump Organization numbers - are not looking good.
- [crying.]
The office manager said we couldn't have the Christmas party and the K-Keebler Elf tree! Pull it together, E-Roc! We're in the clear so long as we don't spend too much money on dumb crap, like wolf blacklight posters.
Actually, that poster is cool.
[sobbing.]
Dad, I need that wolf! Come on.
Stop crying, you two.
Wealth isn't about how much money you have.
[music.]
It's about how much money you rub in people's faces.
And right now this nation needs to believe that my wallet is stuffed with something other than gastroenterologists' business cards! [music.]
This poor, backwards country wants to live vicariously through an insanely rich leader, so let's give 'em what they want.
Let me ask you how do you two robber barons flaunt your spoils? Real billionaires don't talk about their money.
They just use it to print textbooks that say God invented dinosaurs in 1956.
People don't always know I'm rich when they meet me.
A lot of them just assume I'm their dentist.
- That is, until I flash this baby.
- Say, that's a nice timepiece.
- Really screams, "I looted your pension fund.
" - Thank you! Gift from my wife, what's-her-name, after I threw her an insanely expensive wedding.
Hmm! [music.]
[crowd.]
Hannity! Welcome back to Hannity, where the conservative guests are hot and the liberal guests are weathered tires made to look like people.
On to my new segment, "Rich Guys"! We're joined today by the richest guy I know, President Donald J.
Trump.
And "J" stands for Jackpot.
Am I right? I think I know that much.
[chuckles.]
Donald Trump.
Hey, Sean.
It's a pleasure to be here, in between my enormously expensive habits and princely dealings.
So, what's the next rich thing for America's favorite rich guy? The very unfair Forbes Magazine launched some untrue accusations about my wealth! And to the haters, I say this Would a not-rich guy do this? Mrs.
Melania S? Trump will you marry me again? Only, this time, at the most expensive wedding in world history! When we come back, I, Sean Hannity, as Melania Trump, describe the feeling of being the happiest girl in the whole wide world! [music.]
Here she is, the most prized Pence family heirloom my great-great-grandmother Fern's antique squirrel catcher.
I hate to part with her, but Karen and I can no longer subsist on just my meager public-sector salary.
My wife is gonna get such a kick out of this real piece of Americana.
She's never been to real America.
- Doesn't have the proper shots.
- Wow! $200! I shouldn't have looked at the amount.
Now God knows I know.
I can't wait to walk into that church wearing my million-dollar suit.
It's gonna make Jesus wish he were dead.
I cannot wait, either! It will be nice to get married again, this time knowing full well what I'm getting myself into.
- But are you sure we can afford it? - Am I really the kind of guy that sinks millions of dollars into bad ideas? Now, what do you think about having a walk-in cake? Michael, are you sure we can afford the California Pizza Kitchen? I mean, this place has pizzas and flatbreads.
I feel like the Marquis de Sade.
- And I've got one more surprise.
- [gasps.]
Jerry?! - How could it be? - It's Jerry's son, Jerry Jr.
He's young and full of fight.
Do you like him? He's beautiful! But, uh, I got to know, how much is this gonna set us back? No more money talk tonight.
In fact Waiter! Another round of CPK lemonades for me and wife, Karen Pence! And, sir! We'll take all the napkins you can carry! Ooooooh! So, after I arrive at the ceremony in a silver sleigh, I'll roll on golden billiards to the altar.
Right.
And at the reception, we'll serve an edible line of Ivanka Trump cocktail dresses.
Uh, hate to be the buzz slayer, but it is my fiduciary duty to inform everyone that from a business standpoint, your wedding is shooting money out of its hairy ass.
Exactly.
See ya at the reception.
Hold up, Dad! The vendors are demanding cash and threatening to kick my ass.
It doesn't help that I keep getting ripped off - by bogus swan wranglers! - Don't worry, fellas.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's to pull myself out of a money pit using the world's most sophisticated business techniques.
You've seen the red MAGA hats, [music.]
the white "Build the Wall" hats, and the pink "Lock Her Up" hats for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
But today I present the next generation of MAGA must-haves! First, the official Donald J.
Trump step ladder! This thing is a real beauty.
[snap.]
That's gold for ya, folks.
Next up, a sack of MAGA-brand oysters aged to perfection.
- Ben, how's that taste? - Like the damp underside of the boardwalk.
Tremendous! All of these products are available on my website, whitehouse.
gov.
Remember every dollar you spend is a dollar that gets to attend my wedding! [cheers and applause.]
$3.
99 at Michaels? Two Yankee Candles? That can't be right.
Karen, our identity has been stolen! Don't be silly, Michael.
I just swung by the mall for a couple Kare Bear necessities.
That reminds me I'm heading to JCPenney to pick up some earrings that look like little pumpkins.
But you already have those earrings that look like little jingle bells.
Since I updated my wardrobe, Steve Mnuchin's wife no longer clutches her purse when we ride the elevator.
And Betsy DeVos doesn't direct me to the nearest winter-coat drive.
Things are finally coming up Karen Sue Pence! - All right.
You go to Penneys.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
Jerry Jr.
and I love you so much.
He whispered it to me when I was brushing his teeth! Melania, you should've seen the way those people ate up my merch.
They all wanted a piece of Mr.
Luxury himself.
That's me, by the way.
I'm trying that name out.
Stick to the name "Trump.
" It's synonymous with high-quality.
[gavel banging.]
Have you or someone you know been injured by a Donald Trump brand MAGA product? If so, you may be entitled to mountains of money.
Hi! I'm Ted Cruz! And I am working to get you the cash you deserve! Call today! I'll answer on or before the first ring, as I'm often mashing the answer button already, just in case someone calls and then regrets it! Flip past the Jews and choose Ted Cruz Well, that is the last time I try to do something nice.
[music.]
I don't usually fraternize with environmental lobbyists.
- So, what's the offer? - You spare 2,000 acres of deciduous forest preserve, and this $800 goes to your super PAC.
Dear God, I know you had those acres earmarked for copper mining, but I have to give Karen the life she's always dreamed of multi-colored scrunchies and all.
[President Trump.]
Ted, I can't keep settling your lawsuits.
Sorry, Donald! I'm a shark! And not just due to the license plates in my stomach and the fact that people put up "Beach Is Closed" signs whenever I'm spotted near a vacation town! What do you even need the money for? I always wanted to be a rich dude cuff links, socks, deodorant get that fallen oak tree removed from my living room, a separate room for my wailing, invalid, ghost granny.
Gonna build a tower next to your tower, Don, slap the name "Ted Cruz" in pea green right on the front! Thinkin' 900 floors! Adabba, dabba, dabba, dooba, dabba, dooba, dabba, dooba, dabba, doo! [woman.]
Speaking on behalf of the National Arbor Society, we celebrate this oak sapling, who only stands here today because of the conservation efforts of Vice President Mike Pence.
That sapling better keep its mouth shut! Michael! Don't ruin such a lovely occasion.
Especially when I'm looking sporty in my new Chico's denim utility vest.
Because I got the store credit card, I get 3% off, plus a free bookmark on my birthday! May God and the Koch brothers have mercy on my soul.
[Don Jr.
.]
So, to discredit all these people in Ted Cruz's class-action lawsuit, we did like you said and took out full-page ads attacking their character in their hometown newspapers.
I think it's really working, because now they're all suing you for libel.
- Whew! - I don't feel well.
I'm starting to sweat through my undersuit.
I need the calm, soothing voice of Hannity.
[Sean Hannity.]
Everyone, shut up! Welcome back to Rich Guys: Bad Boy Edition.
[crowd.]
Rich Guys! Bad Boy Edition.
I'm here with the newly minted multimillionaire Ted Cruz.
And, boy, Ted, I've got a bone to pick with you.
Get him, Sean! It says here Hold on.
You made your fortune by pilfering from the coffers of the richest man in history, President Donald Jackpot Trump.
- What gives? - Yep, yep, yep, yep.
That's true.
That's true, Sean.
That's true.
But we live in a country where no one-percenter should ever have to justify why or how he obtained his massive fortune! Can't argue with that.
Wow.
Ted Cruz, you won me over.
Now that you're not just barely rich but you're actually fantastically rich, I love everything about you.
Can I just look at you? [humming.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just like that.
Ooh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Aaaaah! [screams.]
[music.]
That's a lot of nutmeg, Karen.
Oh, so, now you're the nutmeg police? Karen These cost $4.
99 apiece at Food Safe! Come on.
Get seasoned, Daddy.
- Ride the nut with me, Mike.
- What's next? Rosemary? You're too late, baby.
I done did it.
- Karen! No! - [gasps.]
Give it to me! I need it! - Mamma's gotta nut! - Oh! This is all my fault! I should never have bought Jerry Jr.
! I should have let what's lost stay buried.
- But it ends today! - Nooo! [garbage disposal whirs.]
It's for your own good, Karen.
You've become an unruly woman.
So, that's how you want to play it, Michael.
Please! Not Jerry Jr.
! He doesn't understand what's happening! He's just a little baby.
Look at you, standing there all high and mighty, with a shiny, new wide-toothed comb in your pocket! - It was free! - With a $5 shampoo at Great Clips! - You hypocrite! - No! He can't wind up like his daddy! Goodbye, Jerry Jr.
And goodbye, Michael.
[shatters.]
[sobbing.]
I can't believe I sprained my hand grabbing Eric's scalp.
How could you do that to me, Eric?! You're right, Dad.
I shouldn't have What did I do, exactly? Dad, these vendors are literally kicking me in the ass! I got sucker-punched by a fucking florist! You'll need more money if you want to pay for this wedding.
And a new crop of bogus swan wranglers.
Also, I fucked up the hot-tub filter really bad shit-ton of egg whites in there now.
Heh-heh.
[Melania.]
Where is my girthy groom hiding? Everybody, shut up.
When Melania comes in here, do not mention anything about M-O-N-E-Y dollar sign, dollar sign, cha-ching, cash, awooga! Hello, sweetheart.
So nice of you to check on me.
Bye-bye now.
You're acting weird.
And why is your hand in a cast and Eric missing half of his hair? Just your run-of-the-mill pre-wedding bone snaps and head trauma.
Are you excited for the cocktail hour, with redirected asteroid fly-over? I nixed that.
SpaceX wanted a $3-million deposit.
And when I didn't have it, Elon Musk laughed my ass straight out of his rocket factory! [sobs.]
Ohh! Elon! Ever since the Forbes came out, he keeps sending me heart-shaped Mars rocks, so maybe I could call him and ask for a discount.
No.
Absolutely not.
I've never said this before, but, Melania, we are paying full price.
Okay, great.
I invited my 100-year-old nana who may survive one flight but definitely won't survive two.
Dad, I love you, but you are so fucked.
[music.]
[music.]
Mike, I'm gonna need to stay with you for a while.
Money's a little tight.
Had to Airbnb my place to Mnuchin.
He wanted to show his wife, what's-her-name, a piece of real American history.
So, you put the squirrel bait in here cheese, peanut butter, some pert little acorn bulbs.
And then, bam, closes right on the little sucker.
That's gross! Count of three, say what you're thinking.
One, two, three.
- This place fucking sucks.
- This place fucking sucks.
I'll take the bed.
It's not an imposition.
And I don't want to hear another word about it.
Whatever.
Nothing matters now that I've lost the two most important things in my life my wife of 32 years and my porcelain angel pig.
What'd you do have an affair and then publicize it in a national newspaper? - No.
We got into it over - Eh, it turns out I don't care.
Mediterranean Breeze? Cherries in Snow? [gasps.]
Sage and Citrus! A nasal mistress! [dramatic music.]
Ma'am.
What are you doing? You can't stop this candle train to Wax Town! Aaaah! [crunching.]
Your Oreo cookies taste like crap, Mike.
Karen, it's me.
Your husband.
Michael Pence.
I'll buy you all the seasonings you want and donate my comb to the church.
Just, please, come home.
I used to think it was men licking each other's thighs, but the love of money truly is the root of all evil.
Look, Mike, money's great.
It's just hard to get rich and stay rich.
You should consider yourself lucky to be poor as piss.
That way, you never disappoint anybody.
Let's hope the ladies I meet in the dating pool agree.
Say, do women still like being taken to popcorn festivals? Mike, get Karen back.
If she leaves you, you'll be dead by dawn.
- Ugh! These Oreo cookies - Yeah, you're right.
How do you maintain your storybook romance? Melania loves me because I'm [crying.]
the richest man in the whole world.
And America loves me, too, right?! Right, Mike?! Tell me America loves me, you stubborn fucking asshole! Of course, sir.
Your supporters don't love you because you're any old rich guy, but because you act like how they would act if they got rich.
They'd have fast food delivered on demand, they'd buy 20 TVs, and they'd blame the world's ills on those less fortunate than them.
You know what, Mike? You're right.
And you don't need three, four, twelve billion trillion dollars to do those things.
When all is said and done, all you really need is a billion dollars.
[crunches.]
[telephone rings.]
Pence residence.
It's Sunday.
You should be in church.
Heavens to Betsy! I'll be right there! [music.]
I knew women only cared about money! Shut up, Stephen, or I'll tell Donald that you sneak into our room to inhale his breath while he sleeps.
What I do with your husband's breath is - none of your business! - Hmm.
Forbes Magazine.
They do their research.
I had to restrain her for her own safety, as well as mine.
She bit my ear lobe pretty bad.
Swallowed my gauge, too.
Oh, Kare Bear.
What has become of you? Ohh.
I got carried away with the idea of being a fancy woman about town, walking out of Chico's with enough bags to feel like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" after she found a store willing to sell clothing to whores.
I am so sorry.
No, Karen, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I tried to keep up with all those belt-wearing hotshots in the Cabinet Room, and I endangered our union in the process.
Do you forgive me? - Can I keep the Chico's vest? - Let's compromise.
You can visit it in the store whenever you like.
Deal.
Uh, Dad, this fairy-tale wedding has turned into a fairy-tale ass-kicking! It's time to pony up some cash or admit that you can't afford this biatch! I don't know, Don.
Can you fight off the vendors another day? I mean, your legs still bend.
I'm not gonna tell you where the pastry chef just put the piping bag, but now I'm a walking éclair.
He put it up my ass.
So make a decision, dude! [music.]
One billion dollars that I definitely do have.
[sobbing.]
[Melania.]
Donald, I've been looking for you.
Melania.
[music.]
Donald Trump's $1-billion wedding has been canceled! The president says he refuses to throw himself an amazing party until our nation's borders have been padlocked and the keys have been swallowed by a mythical sea beast! Next up, has ISIS infiltrated the wedding-planning industry? We've got correspondent Donald Trump Jr.
on the phone.
[Don Jr.
.]
The answer is, yes, they fucking have.
ISIS fucked me up! So, maybe we lost a few million in swan deposits and a six-story wedding cake with icing shutters.
- But at least I saved Don Jr.
's life.
- To be clear, I'm the one who canceled the wedding without you knowing.
Yeah, but I'm the one who couldn't afford it.
[sighs.]
Fine.
You win.
Just stop lying to me about money.
There's only so many lies one woman can take.
I thought you said you'd never leave me over money.
Actually I said if I was ever going to leave you, I would have done it a long, long, long time ago.
Although, if your net worth ever drops below $100 billion, we will have to have a serious discussion! ['80s-style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!