Out There (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

1 "Joanie Loves Terry" [ firecracker pops .]
Here you go, boys.
Make sure to eat all your eggs.
I scrambled them with milk and honey this time.
[ chuckles .]
[ chews noisily .]
Mmm, I can taste it.
Well, you can never get enough honey.
[ giggles .]
Here you go, Chad.
It's an IRA packet.
Absorb it, then we'll discuss.
- What's an IRA? - It's for your future.
It's never too soon to start worrying about it.
Here are your lunches, boys.
Do you want me to fix you up some milk toast, Wayne? - Yes, please.
- All right.
Pancakes, bacon, sausage Look at that.
This market is really going down the crapper.
Chad: No matter how bad you think you have it with your family, someone else always has it worse.
Look, sir, we both have great pecs and six-packs! Indeed.
Now, I will read to you from the book of Knowledge.
Cool.
Who are you? I am your father.
And I am love.
[ lute strumming out of tune .]
[ out-of-tune strumming continues .]
[ Terry humming .]
Ah What the hell are you doing? I was just having the best dream of my life in there! I'm making a lute out of your unused boat.
What do you think, man? - Morning, mama face.
- Morning, my little Monkey Pants.
Ah, what's this? [ gasps .]
Oh, honey, you found our Mexico trip photos.
[ laughs .]
Mom, Terry told you it was "his family ranch," and it turned out to be a friend of a friend's? That's what I call distrustful.
Can we get rid of him already? Now, Monkey, that trip was special for us.
[ scoffs .]
Hey, who ate all my? Damn it, Terry! Say, Terry, did you know in France they put butter in their coffee? Oh, yeah? That makes sense, yeah.
Yeah, they don't have hang-ups in Europe.
Totally.
- Here, you should try it.
- Okay.
Goddamn it, Chris! [ laughing .]
- What the hell, man?! What the hell - Oh, you boys, play nice.
I'm late for work.
Terry's gonna take you to school.
You have a good day, Monkey Pants.
[ blows raspberries .]
[ mellow music playing over radio .]
[ humming .]
[ changes radio station .]
Hey, hands off.
[ changing radio station back and forth .]
Don't change it.
Hey, get off.
[ grunting .]
Hey.
[ both grunting .]
Chris, wait! We might not have much in common, you and I, but there's one thing that binds us: love for your mother.
Wha-What? Get out of here, man.
I'd go to the ends of the Earth for her.
I love your mother! So, even though you're a pain in the ass, kid, you and I got to learn to love each other, too.
Forget it.
Chris, turn around.
What's it going to take for you to love me?! [ kids laughing, murmuring .]
- Sweet dad.
- That's not my dad, dumb-ass! Chad: I didn't really know what the story was with Chris's real dad.
All I knew was that he wasn't around, and that his mom had dated different guys over the years.
There was the rancher, the disc jockey, the demolition derby champion, and now the piece of shit she ended up with Look, what's it gonna take for you to love me?! Chad: Terry.
Boy: and he was the only cobbler on Brayberry Lane.
That's how Grandfather earned his name, Peter Little.
The Littles! [ applause .]
Yeah, very good, Tim.
Thorough, as always.
Uh, Chris, you're up.
This is my family tree.
We're a palm tree.
She's my mom and I'm her son her Monkey Pants.
There was no one before us, and there will be no one after us.
What about your dad? He's not around here anymore, unfortunately.
But I do have this of him to share with you.
[ laughs .]
This is the, this is the most hilarious footage of him.
Check it out.
Uh, Chris, what are we doing here? What-what is this? Okay, okay.
Hold on, hold on.
[ chuckles .]
: Here it comes.
[ muttering .]
[ laughing .]
[ grunting .]
Now, that was a real man.
Piece of junk [ school bell ringing .]
Dude, I didn't want to say anything, - but you've missed, like, ten in a row.
- Don't you think I know that?! Sorry, man.
It's Terry.
He's burrowed into my brain like some goddamn warlock worm.
Hmm.
Have you ever thought of pulling the old "it's him or me" card? No, it doesn't work.
My mom just laughs.
She has her cake and eats it, too, huh? Man, I got to find a way to win back her love.
Wait, it's Friday swap meet, dude.
You'll totally find something to win her back at the swap meet.
I like it.
And we'll go in style.
All aboard.
[ all grunt .]
- You think my mom would like this? - Uh let's keep looking.
[ roaring .]
[ yells .]
[ laughs .]
Dude, check it out.
Damn it! I just can't escape that jerk-bag.
He's probably over there hocking my Steve Martin records.
Come on.
Oh, dear God, no.
He's going to propose! [ gasps .]
Is he dead? Now, Terry, go on and put your arm around your new son.
[ camera clicking .]
[ gasps .]
Look, I know you're flipping out right now, Chris, - but let'be proactive about this.
- I'm on the precipice, man.
I'm staring straight into the goddamn abyss.
We got to get that ring.
No ring, no proposal.
[ mellow music playing over radio .]
[ humming .]
Say, Terry, looks like your rear tire's flat.
Oh, son of a bitch, let me see.
Hey! No, man, that's not a flat wheel.
Round as hell, look at that.
Chad seems to be spending a lot of time with this Chris character.
Well, he is Chad's best friend, Wayne.
- Why you telling me that, man?! - Who cares?! - Just do what you got to do! - You can't tell me that! Hmm.
Yeah, are we cool with that? So, Chris, I-I need some alone time tonight with your mom, okay? I got something special planned.
I'm going to make my famous spaghetti.
- So, stay away tonight, okay? - Sure thing, Terry.
[ toilet flushes .]
[ gasps .]
Where is it? [ groans .]
Where is it? I-I [ whistling tune .]
Hey, Chris, have you seen a red ring box, please? Nope.
See ya.
[ whistling tune .]
So, Chad, have you had a chance to look over that IRA packet yet? Or are you too busy joyriding with Chris Novak in shopping carts?! - You saw that? - I see a lot of things, Chad.
So, what's this Chris kid's story? Seems like a juvie hoodlum.
Is he in a gang? Is he hustling you? - Wayne.
- No, Dad, geez.
[ quiet tapping .]
Do you hear that? What the hell is that? [ screams .]
Chad: Chris and my parents my two worlds colliding at the same table.
Would they understand each other? And did I even want them to? Sir, ma'am, this meal sure is swell.
I mean, these flavors, come on! What's the recipe? Just mac and cheese from the box.
Wow! It must be your cooking process then, Ms.
Stevens.
Chris: Mmm! Mmm! You know, Chris he does these amazing animal impressions.
[ chuckles .]
: Well, well Chad, I mean, please, I do a few.
- Do one.
Come on, do it.
- Okay, okay.
Here goes.
Alpaca.
[ shrill bleating .]
[ laughs .]
- Okay, got it.
- How's your mother, Chris? Not well, I'm afraid.
She's courting a tramp.
The guy's really making himself at home.
I must admit, I released a scorpion into his room tonight.
Just a little something to keep him on his toes.
[ gasping .]
Why would you ever do that? Doc, not everybody has the opportunity to have a mother, father and a sibling.
I wish I had that.
Just a perfect little [ grunts .]
Don't wait up for us, Doc! Next time, use the doorbell like a human being! So, what'd you do with the ring? - I flushed it.
- Nice.
The thing is, that only bought us a little bit of time.
Terry may be the laziest human around, but he's one persistent son of a bitch.
How about bringing another suitor into the picture? Who would be the perfect fit for your mom? Huh, yeah, yeah.
Who's the coolest man we know? [ timer dings .]
Burrito ready! I'll prepare a casserole, a baked Alaskan, - cherry turnovers for dessert, even.
- That sounds delicious.
Say, does your mom like Elvis, by any chance? She adores him.
Why? Well, I just so happen to do Elvis impersonations, on the side.
You know, after prom parties and such.
- That's genius.
She'll love it! - Uh, thank you very much.
Geez, what a mess.
Joanie, my love, I love you forever, and I made this for you.
My nature collage video.
Terry: A field.
Ooh, trees.
- [ sighs .]
: Ah.
- [ chuckles .]
Oh, Terry.
Horse.
[ off-key strumming .]
[ didgeridoo blowing .]
Mmm.
Look at the wings.
Oh, Terry, that was so sweet.
Ugh! Aren't you my little Monkey Pants.
Mmm.
[ sputters .]
[ gasps .]
Mom! How could you?! I'm your Monkey Pants! Me! The one and only! Sir Mooch, prepare to defend yourself! - Chris! What are you doing? - En garde, you fiend! - Hey! Ow! No! Stop it! - Terry! Chris! Boys! Terry: No, Chris! What are you doing? - Ow! Ah! - Joanie: Boys! Chris! Honey, please, calm down.
Calm down? That's it, Mom! I can't stay under the same roof as this snake-face any longer! I'll be at Chad's indefinitely.
[ door opens, closes .]
[ Chris sighs loudly .]
[ sighs loudly .]
Chris? You ever feel like the universe is laughing at you, Chad? Look at 'em up there, cackling and twinkling.
Ursa Major.
Ursa Minor.
- Goddamn Orion! - What the hell happened? Terry's finally done it.
I'm usurped, Chad.
I can't go back until that night crawler's gone.
I'll sleep in your closet; you can feed me table scraps.
Sure, but my closet's jam-packed, man.
You'll have to sleep in Jay's.
[ humming tune .]
[ continues humming .]
[ clears throat .]
Um, Mom, Dad, I was wondering, - can we adopt Chris? - Chris Novak? Are you insane?! - But I've always wanted a brother.
- Hey! [ Chris yawning .]
Morning.
Chad, a word.
What do you guys think you're doing? This isn't a youth hostel! But he needs us, Dad.
We can't send him back there.
It'll do him good to relax in a stable environment.
He does appear to be thriving here already, Wayne.
Oh, of course he is this is the Stevens house.
But we can't just keep the boy.
Please? Can we just try it out for a few days? Please? [ singsong .]
: He does appear to be thriving.
[ groans .]
I guess.
But only because we're such a good influence on him.
Chris: All right, gentlemen, first off, I got to be honest.
I'm not loving the name "Plan: New Suitor.
" What else we got? Okay, we'll put a pin in it.
Forging ahead.
Step one Chad: Typical Chris was driven, but this Chris was otherworldly.
He had focus, clarity, determination.
Chris: We need bells, feathers, flutes, shiny objects.
Is anyone writing this down? We lure Terry into the backyard with promises of trinkets and spiritual awakening.
We got to get that gypsy out and keep him out.
Something that'll give Paul enough time to really charm my mom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
And then we bag him and gag him.
Let's get a good night's sleep, boys.
We'll tackle the rest in the morning.
Chad: The term "booby trap" implied a lack of elegance.
Not so with this one.
So, in two hours, I lead the dancing rat to his trap.
While I'm getting the flowers and candy for Paul.
Then, once Terry's strung up, I meet you out front where we Wait for Paul and give him the goods.
Once my mom sees those sweet chocolates from that sweet, sweet man, - mission accomplished.
- Let Operation Tramp-Out commence.
Hey, Terry, listen, sorry about the big blowup the other day.
Anyway, I got you something a big surprise out back.
Oh! Oh, yeah? I have to go all the way outside for it? I got an old witch doctor to set up a sweat lodge! It's tricked out with all kinds of mystical accoutrements: dreamcatchers, geodes and crystals! [ gasps .]
[ gasps .]
Magnificent, goddamn it! What is this? It's like a dreamscape come true! [ Terry giggling .]
Eee Whoa! [ screaming .]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [ choking .]
[ grunting .]
Come on! [ exhales .]
[ gasping .]
Oh, my God! [ hysterical panting .]
[ gasping .]
Oh, shit! [ rope creaking .]
[ gurgling .]
[ gasping .]
Goddamn it! [ grunts .]
Chris, you bastard! [ grunting .]
Chris: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Chad! I killed him! I killed Terry! - What?! - He's dead, Chad.
He's dead! Leave it to Terry to screw up the perfect plan! - An idiot to the end! - Oh, my God! [ panting .]
I know what must be done.
Hold on to these, would you, buddy? It was an absolute pleasure being your best friend.
Write me sometime.
I'd like to confess a murder, please.
[ siren wailing .]
That's it! I am fed up! That kid's crazy, and I'm out of here! - Good-bye! - Terry, wait! Adios forever.
[ tires screeching .]
[ sobbing .]
Please come back! Um, am I late? Take it all! It's free and unwanted! Tell your friends! [ grunts .]
Get in there deep, sister.
I can still feel him under me.
Man, this place is so - Clean.
- And empty.
[ laughs .]
Boys, boys, welcome.
Looking good, huh? Yeah, it's gonna take some serious bleach, but I'll get that goddamn charlatan weasel cleansed from the premises.
Have a seat.
Can I get you something? Bowl of cereal? A root beer, perhaps? No, thanks.
- Chrissy, what is going on in here? - Cleaning house, Mom.
Don't you love it? [ Joanie sobbing .]
Wait, you didn't tell her you were doing this? What, and ruin the surprise? No way.
It's nice being the man of the house finally.
I never noticed how big this couch is.
Nice to stretch out my wings and relax.
[ grunts .]
[ loud snap .]
Youch! [ chuckles .]
Oops.
Sorry, Cheetoh.
Forgot about that one.
Healing crystal, Indian head penny, tarot cards, handful of erasers.
- Are we good here? - Mm.
So, how's our Chrissy doing? Getting enough to eat, I hope? You know, he is welcome for dinner anytime.
- I'll make his favorite! - Sure, Mom, whatever.
[ sobbing .]
[ knock on door .]
Enter! Hey, Chad-o.
Can't hang out later.
Mom and I are doing Novak Night! - Just like the good old days.
- Is she doing okay, Chris? I just saw her crying in the Bag-n-Bargain parking lot.
She's fine.
She's just coming out of a fog.
She's clearly happier now.
Happy? She looked sad and exhausted.
Happiness can be exhausting, man.
Dude, I think I think your mom misses Terry.
How dare you say his name in this house! - In my house! - I think she needs him back.
[ gasps .]
I think you should leave.
Chris: Evening, Mom.
Now if you'll excuse me.
[ sighs .]
Hey, Mom, I've got some root beer floats in the hopper and Swamp Thing in the VCR and [ sobbing .]
Goddamn it.
You were right, Chad, I was wrong.
We have to get Terry back.
- [ groans .]
I'm sorry, man.
- Goddamn it, I can't believe this! If my mom's life is bad, my life is bad.
We're empaths, man! I can feel her pain! She somehow actually loves that jackass.
- Will you help me find him? - Of course.
[ music .]
Goddamn it! Son of a Ay! [ grunting .]
Oh! [ sobbing .]
Oh! There he is.
You come to try and finish Terry off? Stay away from me, man.
This isn't about me; this is for my mom.
I've come to bring you back h - h home.
- No way, man.
I'm happy with my new life out here, in nature.
[ thunder crashes .]
If you want to marry my mom, go ahead.
- I won't stand in the way.
- What? No, no, no, no, no.
That's a mood ring, for me! A choice piece of quartz to promote astral harmony.
- Mood ring? - Yeah, man.
Look, don't get me wrong, I love your mother, but I ain't looking to get married.
Really? Yeah, no woman can put Terry in a plastic cage, man.
Let's hug.
Come on.
[ grunting .]
Ta-ta-ta, no hugging, no hugging.
Hey come on, let's go home.
[ door opens, closes .]
- Terry! - Joanie! My Joanie! Mm.
[ sobbing .]
Come here, my little Monkey Pants.
[ blows raspberries .]
Mmm! Chad: To say that Chris was proud of his decision would be a lie.
Mother love there's no denying it.
That ranks right up there with the truest type of love.
[ sobbing .]
Oh.
Hey, Chris, whenever you need an eye exam, come on by.
Cool! Do you do transplants? How about one eagle eye and one fly eye? - Can you do that? - [ sighs .]
Just forget it.
Just forget it! Just forget it.
Has anyone seen my robe? [ doorbell rings .]
Paul has entered the building! - What is going on, Chrissy? - Uh, why is he here? To preside.
Mom, will you take me as your son, your whole son, and nothing but your son, - so help you God? - I do.
I mean, yes, I do.
But, Chrissy, what is this all about? A bond, a rebirth between mother and son.
I know you love me more than a bunch.
This way, rest assured, I'll have legal proof that I'm still your little angel.
You got it, Monkey Pants.
Oh, this is so sweet.
Isn't this the sweetest thing ever, Terry? Huh? [ mumbling gibberish .]