Pam & Tommy (2022) s01e07 Episode Script
Destroyer of Worlds
Everything's gonna be okay.
You motherfuckers are fucking ripping me off.
You owe me $9,000, dude.
Me 17.
You ain't getting dick.
The tape is gonna go away.
Apparently there's a love tape going around of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.
I get 15%, and I will not negotiate.
You got yourself a deal.
Seattle.
Let me guess.
Webcams.
They say it's the future of porn.
And I would agree with them.
And Barb Wire is gonna be the biggest movie in the world.
It's their number one priority for spring.
You're about to be the biggest movie star in the world.
And we're gonna get pregnant again And we're gonna have a long and happy marriage.
Bob Guccione, he's got the tape.
We're suing the shit out of him.
Everything is gonna be beautiful and perfect.
If we sue, it puts all this attention on the tape.
It could turn into something way bigger.
You need to sue.
Forever.
Mrs.
Lee, do you recall how old you were the first time you publicly exposed your genitals? Here you go, Boss.
What the fuck is this? Starbucks.
It's coffee from Seattle.
Popping up all over the country.
- From who? - Seattle.
Yeah.
All right.
No, thanks.
I'll stick with Italy.
Speaking of everywhere, that tape you bankrolled You must be raking it in.
Mazel.
Even Dominic has a copy.
Who? Dominic, my 15 year old.
Your godson? Yeah.
Right.
Get ahold of Miltie.
Tell him I want to see him.
Right the fuck now.
Oh, wow.
- Knight of Cups.
- Is that good? - That's really good.
- Is it? That represents change and new opportunity.
- Rand? - There's a strong Hey.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Ooh.
Have you been calling the Netherlands? - No.
- Huh.
Apparently, someone in this house called the Netherlands 17 times last month.
Wow.
That's a lot of times.
Hmm.
Are you sure you didn't? It wasn't me or Danielle.
Well, you know what? Actually, this was me.
I call it Holland, not the Netherlands.
Oh, you call it Holland.
Yeah, so there's the confusion there.
Why did you call the Netherlands 17 times last month? - For - No, wait.
Let me guess.
This has something to do with your new business venture.
Yeah, exactly.
Which is going great.
Really great.
Yes.
It's going so fucking great that you're crashing on my couch.
You have to invest in your business before it becomes profitable, and that's where I'm at No.
No, I want you out by the end of the week.
This week? Excelsior Royal Grand Hotel Spa.
Yeah, this is Mr.
Gauthier for Mr.
Ingley again.
- Yeah.
- Mr.
Ingley.
It's Mr.
Gauthier on the line.
Uh-huh.
Not in.
I'm sorry, but Mr.
Ingley is not in.
Is he ever in? Sometimes, sir.
Okay.
Just just tell him I called again, okay? Thank you.
Nobody answers at the studio.
I looked through the slot at his house.
There's a big pile of mail.
Donny's cousin, Sal, he rents lights to porno shoots.
He heard Miltie skipped town.
Might be even out of the country.
What about the other one? The partner? The doofus? Yeah, him.
Go get him.
Bring me the doofus.
There's you go.
Tell your friends about me, all right? Right here.
Right here.
Get the tape everybody's talking about.
New video with Pamela Anderson.
Deep throat.
What's up, bro? Hey, check out the tape everybody's talking about.
One for 30, two for 50.
Pam Anderson sucks Tommy's dick.
Hey, ladies, you want one? Come on, man.
We can't sell that in here.
Why not? You got some guy selling bootlegs of it on your property, in your parking lot.
He's not really bothering anybody.
He is bothering me very, very much.
Look, I got the real tape right here, man, and I'm willing to make you a deal.
A really good deal.
Wholesale deal.
Right now.
Come on.
What makes yours the real tape and his bootleg? What's the difference? What's the difference? The difference is I was first, man.
I was first.
You know, David Bowie once said never be the first to do anything.
And I bet he wasn't the first to say it.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Check 'em out.
Check 'em out.
Oh, what's up, bro? Hey, you mad, dawg? Hey, why you mad, bro? - Ready? - Mm-hmm.
Wait, so what's the plan if they ask about the tape? "If"? Hey.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
How's everybody doing? - Good! - Good.
That's why I love Barb so much.
I mean, you know, she wasn't always such a badass.
You know, she was once as innocent as they come, and then she got that tough by being, you know, by being knocked down over and over again, you know, sometimes by the people that she trusted the most.
And that really spoke to me personally.
And, you know, so people are really gonna Hi, Pam.
Yeah.
Vance.
Stuff Magazine.
Your favorite thing in a guy.
I like a man who listens, Vance.
Hello, Pamela.
Pamela.
Did you ever have fight trainings before you played in Barb Wire? Oh, yeah, and, you know, on Baywatch a little a little.
But, you know, nothing like this, nothing like this.
Well, C.
J.
didn't get to wave a hand-cannon around.
I wish.
I have a question.
Yes.
Hi.
When's your Penthouse coming out? Sure lots of guys are looking forward to it.
Well, sorry to disappoint, but, um, me in Penthouse is not gonna happen, and we're taking legal steps to make sure of it.
Next question So the lawsuit is real? As opposed to You know, like a Publicity stunt? So the rumors that you and Tommy were actually the ones who released the tape are unfounded? - Is that what you - The tape was stolen from our house From a safe in our house.
We are the victims of a burglary.
Got it.
Great.
Nine? That's it? Fucking bootleggers, man.
You know what they say.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Yeah, whoever said that wasn't getting his fucking business ripped off.
I'm going to the post office.
Oh.
Any word from Miltie? Fuck do you think, dude? What's that? A '77? Oh, my God.
Look, there There are people who are expecting me places.
Relax.
Let's go.
- He just wants to check in.
- Let's go.
Hello, Rand.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Hi, Butchie.
Please, call me Mr.
Peraino.
I got a little game we could play.
I ask you a question, you eat a cherry, and then you answer the question.
Fun, right? Here.
Try one.
- Ugh.
- Got quite a kick, huh? Mm-hmm.
I marinated the cherries in vodka and Fernet-Branca for two weeks.
Have another.
Oh.
Have another.
So, where's Miltie? He, uh he went on Uh-uh.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
It's all part of the game.
You gotta eat two more.
Let's try it again.
Where is Miltie? He went to Amsterdam.
You know how it's the diamond capital of the world? He went there to he's turning our money into diamonds.
So you let your partner Our partner Who controls all the money, take that money and leave the country? You know, Rand, I'm trying to figure out if you're a liar or just a fucking idiot.
I would never lie to you, Butchie.
It's Mr.
Peraino, you fucking liar! Ow! Fuck, my knee! You owe me $50,000.
I don't have the money.
Miltie has the money, man.
But I have you.
And you will get me some of my money by tomorrow.
I'll do my best, but But what? But what? If I'm being honest, I'm having a hard time getting a hold of Miltie.
- Would you shut the fuck up? - Ow! Because Amsterdam is not the diamond capital of the world.
Antwerp is.
Amsterdam is the drugs and hookers capital of the world.
You mix that in with what you already know about your friend Milton Ingley and tell me what you come up with, you stupid fuck of a human being.
Ouch! You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, just a little wiped.
You did great today.
I tried.
Fucking men.
Fucking men.
You know what, though? I hope it's a boy.
"Tommy, this is me" "whom you may have massively fucked over.
"One of many, no doubt.
"If you seek to lift the black cloud "that follows your every move, "meet me at 9:00 p.
m.
this evening "at area D16 of the Dodger Stadium parking lot.
"Come alone "and bring an offering of $26,938.
"No more, no less.
All the best, Karma.
" Thanks.
- Hi, Pam.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
Nice to see you.
- Hey there.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much, Kevin.
What a great show for you tonight.
Our first guest, you might have seen her in a little TV show called Baywatch, and you can see her starring in the upcoming film Barb Wire.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pamela Anderson.
Oh.
Hey, Pamela.
- Welcome back.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Five months.
- Five months? Can you believe it? I know.
Now, is it a boy or a girl? - Do you know? - Oh, I actually don't know.
- Really? - Mm-mm.
No.
No, Tommy and I, we wanted it to be a surprise.
You really don't know the sex, huh? No, we don't.
Gee, you know, I never imagined there was something sex-related Pamela Anderson doesn't know.
- Am I right, fellas? - That's actually pretty good.
- All right.
All right.
- All right.
All right.
Now, speaking of sex, and I have to know.
- Mm-hmm.
- The tape.
Oh, yeah, fellas, - we all want to know.
- What the fuck? What tape, Jay? Right.
What tape? Yeah.
Now, obviously, I haven't seen it, you know.
- No.
- I want to, just haven't gotten a copy yet, but there's a tape out there floating around.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Everyone's talking about it, right, at work.
"Have you seen the tape? "Have you seen the tape?" Right? A lot of people I talking about this tape, and particularly, for some reason, men.
- Imagine that.
- Oh, I think we have.
Now, what's that like? What's that like? You know, to have all that, uh, exposure? What's it like? It's horrible.
To have something so intimate stolen from you, you know, something private from inside your marriage and have it taken without permission and exposed to the world, it's devastating.
This is devastating to us.
What? He asked.
I did.
I did.
That's on me.
Boy, she is one tough cookie, huh? Well, it was incredible seeing you again.
- Congratulations on the baby.
- Thanks, Jay.
Pamela Anderson, one more time.
Barb Wire is in theaters I'm taking that motherfucker out.
- Tommy, stop.
- What? Stop it.
Stop.
I need you to listen to me.
These next few days, they are not about you, they are about me.
From right now, until we get home from the premiere, you exist solely to make life easier for me.
You are to cause no drama, no conflict, do nothing that complicates things for me, screws things up for me, such as beating up Jay Leno.
- But - Shh.
But Tommy, I have to be at the hotel tomorrow for hair and my makeup, so it makes sense for me just to go there tonight instead of going all the way back and forth to Malibu, so I'm gonna do that.
Just me.
On my own.
Okay? And I knew it.
And I knew it the very first time I touched her.
It's like coming home, only to no home I'd ever known.
I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car.
And I knew it.
It was like - Magic.
- Magic.
Well, folks, it's time to wrap it up.
I'm Dr.
Marcia Fieldstone in Chicago, and to all my listeners, a magical and merry Christmas.
And to you, Sleepless in Seattle, we hope you'll call again soon and let us know how it's going.
Oh, you can count on it.
God.
Pamela.
Oh.
Hi, baby.
Wait, why are you whispering? Oh, it's Itchy throat.
What's up, lover cup? Oh, nothing.
Just Eating pie and watching a movie.
Aw, babe.
Tommy, I miss you.
Baby, I can't stand being away from you.
You want me to shoot over in a bit? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
That's okay.
I just I'm actually just gonna go to sleep.
Oh.
I just, um I was just calling to say good night.
So, good night.
Good night.
I love you.
I love you too, lover.
Good night.
Good night.
Is that the $26,938? I don't got time for your fucking weird-ass numbers.
That's the exact amount you owe me for my labor and for my tools.
So that's what this is about? All this for some lousy 27 grand? With that, you will atone.
I will be made whole once again.
Uh I don't see that happening.
You don't see what happening? You being made whole.
I may not know much, but I do know one thing, and that is winners and losers, and you, son, are a loser.
A bottom, a beta, a chump, a bitch.
No 27 grand's ever gonna change that.
That's just That's just you, bro.
For life.
Well, you're a bad person.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe I am.
But what about Pamela? Hmm? What did she do to deserve what you've done to her? Do you have any idea what you put that warm, kind, sweet woman through? Hmm? Is she a bad person? I came here to beat the living fucking shit out of you, but I can't seem to do that, so I'll just go with your flow, bro.
I'll make an offering to the gods.
Dude, no! - Is that what you want? - No! Is that what you fucking want? - No! - Huh? Go ahead, Ranch.
Go ahead and take it.
What the fuck? No! - That's my fucking money.
- Whoo! Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Now, motherfucker.
Now it's on.
What the fuck? This is so fucked up.
You're a piece of shit, man.
Guy at work.
So next thing you know, we're dragging him out there.
Get back.
Take a break.
- Watch your head.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
I know.
You don't have my money, do you? No.
There's this degenerate gambler.
Owes 3,200 to a guy that owes me 18,000.
So you are gonna get the 3,200 from this degenerate gambler for me.
How am I gonna do that? Bam.
Works like regular size, but you can keep it up your sleeve.
- No.
- No? - No.
- No? Look, I don't mean to critique how you run your business, but I am not the man to do this.
Wouldn't one of them be better suited for this type of work? Both are jammed up with priors.
Plus they don't owe me tens of thousands of dollars.
Drop him at the Albert guy's place.
Mm? Wakey, wakey.
Rise and shine! Oh, Tommy.
Baby, just got a call from a certain lawyer of ours.
The Penthouse verdict is in.
Today's gonna be a great day.
I know, but how can you be so sure? The decision wasn't supposed to come down for months.
Why else would it be so fast? Come on.
We gotta get that judge's name.
Fucking send him a fruit basket or something.
Yes? Fuck.
Come on, baby.
- There he is.
- Hey.
How's it going? Apologies for the short notice.
Hey, no problemo.
We're happy you're here.
What what What's that? That is a summary judgment.
Judge threw your case out.
Yeah! Fucking suck it, Guccione.
See, baby? What did I tell you? What? He ruled in favor of Penthouse.
What? He deemed Penthouse was in its First Amendment rights, as the tape, by virtue of its being in the public conversation, is newsworthy.
- That's fucking bullshit! - I agree.
I mean, I get the validity of the free speech argument, but for a judge just to accept it out of hand with no counterargument, that, I don't get it.
I do.
Well, they have to say something.
They can't say the actual reason.
Which is? That I don't have any rights.
Because I have Because I have spent my public life in a bathing suit.
Because I have Because I had the nerve to pose for Playboy.
They can't actually say that sluts And that's what this ruling is saying I am, in case you're unclear They can't actually say that sluts don't get to decide what happens to pictures of their body, that I don't get to decide what happens to my actual body, so they say something else instead.
Pam, I understand your position.
You will never understand my position.
This is why I should never have never done this.
I let you lead me exactly where I knew we'd wind up, which is a place you've never been before.
Whoo.
But I have, many times.
Don't worry, though.
It'll never happen again.
Pamela.
I'm sorry, sir, but he's not here.
Well, just tell him that Rand fucking called.
- Okay? - Yes, sir.
Albert.
You owe Prager $3,200.
- You can tell him I - I need the money now.
Or I'm gonna have to hurt you, man.
I don't want to hurt you, but I will have to hurt you.
I don't have it.
I don't have it! - Give it to me.
- I don't have it.
I need it.
I need that fucking money.
- I don't have it - I don't want to do it Hello? You getting on? Fuck.
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee back in the news.
Their steamy sex tape coming soon to the pages of Penthouse.
A spokesman for the magazine said they finally got the official, legal go-ahead to publish images from the notorious X-rated home video.
What was that all about? Your buddy's tape, Penthouse is running pictures.
- They want to.
- No, it's happening.
The judge just said it was okay.
Which means I have a lot of homework to do this weekend.
Terry, how about you? Just don't tell my husband.
- Have you seen it? - Hmm? The tape? Oh.
- No.
- Really? I would have figured for sure you would have seen it.
I don't need to watch that shit.
Have you? - Yeah.
- Yeah, at a party.
- Yeah.
- And? I mean, it's actually I mean, it's kind of sweet.
It's sweet? Yeah.
I mean, it should be I guess it should be disgusting.
Rich, debauched famous people just fucking on a boat, but it's it's it's It's, like, super wholesome.
It's it's romantic.
I mean, they're so in love.
Yes! And then it was shot really interestingly.
What do you mean by that? Well, Pam is holding the camera most of the time and she makes all these, like, very interesting artistic choices.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes! Like, at one point, they're fucking missionary style and Tommy's about to cum, so where does she point the camera? At his dick.
His face! She points it at his face for the cumshot.
Yeah, you never see that in a porno.
- Ever! - Huh.
And then she just sort of holds it there and you see how happy he is to be inside of her.
I mean, he fucking cries a little bit.
Oh, I think I think I got the picture.
I mean, I know you two have your issues, but I gotta say, I kinda like him.
I mean, I know he's a fucking idiot and everything, but he is He's strangely likable.
And he's so in touch with his feelings.
Totally.
Yes.
He's, like, some kind of a sensitive caveman.
All right.
We're leveling off.
Traffic has remained roughly unchanged for the last 30 days.
The numbers are still strong, but the growth curve.
- We need a pop.
- A pop? Something to get attention, stir up some buzz.
Like what? I don't fucking know.
Any word on Penthouse? Hello.
There's a Mr.
Ron Jeremy on the line.
Yeah? Great.
Yeah, put him through.
One moment, sir.
Quiet.
Ronnie J.
, to what do I owe the pleasure? Hello? Ron, you there? I trusted you.
Who is this? I trusted you, and you fucked me.
Rand, uh, I Hey, man.
I'm sorry.
I've been so out of the loop.
It's crazy busy over here.
I was actually gonna call you.
Don't do me dirty like that, Barb.
Now give me the money.
I thought we had a good thing going.
Well, I'm good, and you're a thing.
And you best get going.
Now, give me the bag.
So fuckin' proud of you.
Well, we'll just see how it plays.
Yes, the way it ends is it's just open for sequel, but, you know, it's just It's up to the studio.
Absolutely.
A steaming pile of shit.
That's the second best movie she's been in this year, man.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
What's going on? Picture you're in You're driving, you know, and you're in, um You're stopped at a red light and the cars coming in the other direction have a left-turn arrow.
So they're turning left in front of you, you know? And they keep coming, and then your light turns green, you know, so it's your turn, but these left-turn cars, they don't stop.
They keep coming.
And at first, you let 'em go.
You're like, "What's the big deal? It's not a big deal.
Just let them go.
" But you know, they don't stop and they're taking advantage of your kindness, and they know they're taking advantage of you and they know they're wrong and they're just doing it anyway.
Why? Because they're assholes? Tommy Lee was the millionth left turner to roll through my green, and he flipped me off and he threw garbage at me while he was doing it.
And after just taking it and taking it and taking it my whole life, I couldn't fucking take it anymore.
And so, I did it.
Wait, what did you do? I floored it and I smashed into him head-on.
Okay.
Could you be a little more literal? I stole his safe, which contained a certain video tape.
Wait a second.
You're the one who Yeah.
That's your big new business venture? Yes, it is.
I really don't get why you're so mad.
It's porn.
God, it is not porn, you asshole! - Yes, it is.
- No.
When people in porn have sex on camera, we we are giving consent for people to watch us.
We signed fucking releases, Rand.
Did Pam Anderson sign a release? Did Tommy Lee sign a fucking release? - Stop saying that word.
- Okay.
You're one of these fucking release people too? - Get out.
Get out.
- Okay, I will.
Who gives a fuck about these fucking releases? So stupid.
Fucking bureaucracy.
- No, Tommy, no.
- No way, we're doing it.
- No, I don't - Uh-uh.
- Tommy, I wanna go home.
- No way.
Not a chance.
Driver, go exactly where I say.
Do not listen to this major movie star sitting right next to me.
Hand over the lenses, Schmitz.
Over my dead body.
If you insist.
Wait, wait.
Barb, wait.
I need those lenses to evade the retinal scan at the airport, and you're gonna give them to me.
Sorry, Barb.
No can do.
Oh, yes, you will.
By this time tomorrow, I'll be on a flight out of Steel Harbor with that Red Ribbon bioweapon.
By this time tomorrow, you'll be six feet under.
You're pretty cocky for a guy with a detonator - Oh, my God.
- Strapped to his chest.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Give me the money! - Who are you, man? - Who am I? I am become death! The destroyer of worlds! Bare Necessity starting to fade.
- What the fuck? - No.
No, no, no, no.
No what'd you do that for, man? Shut the fuck up.
You Prager owe money.
Prager owes Butchie money.
And you owe Butchie money.
Butchie as in Peraino? Yes! And now you got me on your fucking ass.
You did this to yourself, you fucking idiot.
Fuck you! You did this to yourself! You did this to yourself.
You did this to yourself.
Should we get a drink? I want to go home.
You motherfuckers are fucking ripping me off.
You owe me $9,000, dude.
Me 17.
You ain't getting dick.
The tape is gonna go away.
Apparently there's a love tape going around of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.
I get 15%, and I will not negotiate.
You got yourself a deal.
Seattle.
Let me guess.
Webcams.
They say it's the future of porn.
And I would agree with them.
And Barb Wire is gonna be the biggest movie in the world.
It's their number one priority for spring.
You're about to be the biggest movie star in the world.
And we're gonna get pregnant again And we're gonna have a long and happy marriage.
Bob Guccione, he's got the tape.
We're suing the shit out of him.
Everything is gonna be beautiful and perfect.
If we sue, it puts all this attention on the tape.
It could turn into something way bigger.
You need to sue.
Forever.
Mrs.
Lee, do you recall how old you were the first time you publicly exposed your genitals? Here you go, Boss.
What the fuck is this? Starbucks.
It's coffee from Seattle.
Popping up all over the country.
- From who? - Seattle.
Yeah.
All right.
No, thanks.
I'll stick with Italy.
Speaking of everywhere, that tape you bankrolled You must be raking it in.
Mazel.
Even Dominic has a copy.
Who? Dominic, my 15 year old.
Your godson? Yeah.
Right.
Get ahold of Miltie.
Tell him I want to see him.
Right the fuck now.
Oh, wow.
- Knight of Cups.
- Is that good? - That's really good.
- Is it? That represents change and new opportunity.
- Rand? - There's a strong Hey.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Ooh.
Have you been calling the Netherlands? - No.
- Huh.
Apparently, someone in this house called the Netherlands 17 times last month.
Wow.
That's a lot of times.
Hmm.
Are you sure you didn't? It wasn't me or Danielle.
Well, you know what? Actually, this was me.
I call it Holland, not the Netherlands.
Oh, you call it Holland.
Yeah, so there's the confusion there.
Why did you call the Netherlands 17 times last month? - For - No, wait.
Let me guess.
This has something to do with your new business venture.
Yeah, exactly.
Which is going great.
Really great.
Yes.
It's going so fucking great that you're crashing on my couch.
You have to invest in your business before it becomes profitable, and that's where I'm at No.
No, I want you out by the end of the week.
This week? Excelsior Royal Grand Hotel Spa.
Yeah, this is Mr.
Gauthier for Mr.
Ingley again.
- Yeah.
- Mr.
Ingley.
It's Mr.
Gauthier on the line.
Uh-huh.
Not in.
I'm sorry, but Mr.
Ingley is not in.
Is he ever in? Sometimes, sir.
Okay.
Just just tell him I called again, okay? Thank you.
Nobody answers at the studio.
I looked through the slot at his house.
There's a big pile of mail.
Donny's cousin, Sal, he rents lights to porno shoots.
He heard Miltie skipped town.
Might be even out of the country.
What about the other one? The partner? The doofus? Yeah, him.
Go get him.
Bring me the doofus.
There's you go.
Tell your friends about me, all right? Right here.
Right here.
Get the tape everybody's talking about.
New video with Pamela Anderson.
Deep throat.
What's up, bro? Hey, check out the tape everybody's talking about.
One for 30, two for 50.
Pam Anderson sucks Tommy's dick.
Hey, ladies, you want one? Come on, man.
We can't sell that in here.
Why not? You got some guy selling bootlegs of it on your property, in your parking lot.
He's not really bothering anybody.
He is bothering me very, very much.
Look, I got the real tape right here, man, and I'm willing to make you a deal.
A really good deal.
Wholesale deal.
Right now.
Come on.
What makes yours the real tape and his bootleg? What's the difference? What's the difference? The difference is I was first, man.
I was first.
You know, David Bowie once said never be the first to do anything.
And I bet he wasn't the first to say it.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Check 'em out.
Check 'em out.
Oh, what's up, bro? Hey, you mad, dawg? Hey, why you mad, bro? - Ready? - Mm-hmm.
Wait, so what's the plan if they ask about the tape? "If"? Hey.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
How's everybody doing? - Good! - Good.
That's why I love Barb so much.
I mean, you know, she wasn't always such a badass.
You know, she was once as innocent as they come, and then she got that tough by being, you know, by being knocked down over and over again, you know, sometimes by the people that she trusted the most.
And that really spoke to me personally.
And, you know, so people are really gonna Hi, Pam.
Yeah.
Vance.
Stuff Magazine.
Your favorite thing in a guy.
I like a man who listens, Vance.
Hello, Pamela.
Pamela.
Did you ever have fight trainings before you played in Barb Wire? Oh, yeah, and, you know, on Baywatch a little a little.
But, you know, nothing like this, nothing like this.
Well, C.
J.
didn't get to wave a hand-cannon around.
I wish.
I have a question.
Yes.
Hi.
When's your Penthouse coming out? Sure lots of guys are looking forward to it.
Well, sorry to disappoint, but, um, me in Penthouse is not gonna happen, and we're taking legal steps to make sure of it.
Next question So the lawsuit is real? As opposed to You know, like a Publicity stunt? So the rumors that you and Tommy were actually the ones who released the tape are unfounded? - Is that what you - The tape was stolen from our house From a safe in our house.
We are the victims of a burglary.
Got it.
Great.
Nine? That's it? Fucking bootleggers, man.
You know what they say.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Yeah, whoever said that wasn't getting his fucking business ripped off.
I'm going to the post office.
Oh.
Any word from Miltie? Fuck do you think, dude? What's that? A '77? Oh, my God.
Look, there There are people who are expecting me places.
Relax.
Let's go.
- He just wants to check in.
- Let's go.
Hello, Rand.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Hi, Butchie.
Please, call me Mr.
Peraino.
I got a little game we could play.
I ask you a question, you eat a cherry, and then you answer the question.
Fun, right? Here.
Try one.
- Ugh.
- Got quite a kick, huh? Mm-hmm.
I marinated the cherries in vodka and Fernet-Branca for two weeks.
Have another.
Oh.
Have another.
So, where's Miltie? He, uh he went on Uh-uh.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
It's all part of the game.
You gotta eat two more.
Let's try it again.
Where is Miltie? He went to Amsterdam.
You know how it's the diamond capital of the world? He went there to he's turning our money into diamonds.
So you let your partner Our partner Who controls all the money, take that money and leave the country? You know, Rand, I'm trying to figure out if you're a liar or just a fucking idiot.
I would never lie to you, Butchie.
It's Mr.
Peraino, you fucking liar! Ow! Fuck, my knee! You owe me $50,000.
I don't have the money.
Miltie has the money, man.
But I have you.
And you will get me some of my money by tomorrow.
I'll do my best, but But what? But what? If I'm being honest, I'm having a hard time getting a hold of Miltie.
- Would you shut the fuck up? - Ow! Because Amsterdam is not the diamond capital of the world.
Antwerp is.
Amsterdam is the drugs and hookers capital of the world.
You mix that in with what you already know about your friend Milton Ingley and tell me what you come up with, you stupid fuck of a human being.
Ouch! You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, just a little wiped.
You did great today.
I tried.
Fucking men.
Fucking men.
You know what, though? I hope it's a boy.
"Tommy, this is me" "whom you may have massively fucked over.
"One of many, no doubt.
"If you seek to lift the black cloud "that follows your every move, "meet me at 9:00 p.
m.
this evening "at area D16 of the Dodger Stadium parking lot.
"Come alone "and bring an offering of $26,938.
"No more, no less.
All the best, Karma.
" Thanks.
- Hi, Pam.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
Nice to see you.
- Hey there.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much, Kevin.
What a great show for you tonight.
Our first guest, you might have seen her in a little TV show called Baywatch, and you can see her starring in the upcoming film Barb Wire.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pamela Anderson.
Oh.
Hey, Pamela.
- Welcome back.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Five months.
- Five months? Can you believe it? I know.
Now, is it a boy or a girl? - Do you know? - Oh, I actually don't know.
- Really? - Mm-mm.
No.
No, Tommy and I, we wanted it to be a surprise.
You really don't know the sex, huh? No, we don't.
Gee, you know, I never imagined there was something sex-related Pamela Anderson doesn't know.
- Am I right, fellas? - That's actually pretty good.
- All right.
All right.
- All right.
All right.
Now, speaking of sex, and I have to know.
- Mm-hmm.
- The tape.
Oh, yeah, fellas, - we all want to know.
- What the fuck? What tape, Jay? Right.
What tape? Yeah.
Now, obviously, I haven't seen it, you know.
- No.
- I want to, just haven't gotten a copy yet, but there's a tape out there floating around.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Everyone's talking about it, right, at work.
"Have you seen the tape? "Have you seen the tape?" Right? A lot of people I talking about this tape, and particularly, for some reason, men.
- Imagine that.
- Oh, I think we have.
Now, what's that like? What's that like? You know, to have all that, uh, exposure? What's it like? It's horrible.
To have something so intimate stolen from you, you know, something private from inside your marriage and have it taken without permission and exposed to the world, it's devastating.
This is devastating to us.
What? He asked.
I did.
I did.
That's on me.
Boy, she is one tough cookie, huh? Well, it was incredible seeing you again.
- Congratulations on the baby.
- Thanks, Jay.
Pamela Anderson, one more time.
Barb Wire is in theaters I'm taking that motherfucker out.
- Tommy, stop.
- What? Stop it.
Stop.
I need you to listen to me.
These next few days, they are not about you, they are about me.
From right now, until we get home from the premiere, you exist solely to make life easier for me.
You are to cause no drama, no conflict, do nothing that complicates things for me, screws things up for me, such as beating up Jay Leno.
- But - Shh.
But Tommy, I have to be at the hotel tomorrow for hair and my makeup, so it makes sense for me just to go there tonight instead of going all the way back and forth to Malibu, so I'm gonna do that.
Just me.
On my own.
Okay? And I knew it.
And I knew it the very first time I touched her.
It's like coming home, only to no home I'd ever known.
I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car.
And I knew it.
It was like - Magic.
- Magic.
Well, folks, it's time to wrap it up.
I'm Dr.
Marcia Fieldstone in Chicago, and to all my listeners, a magical and merry Christmas.
And to you, Sleepless in Seattle, we hope you'll call again soon and let us know how it's going.
Oh, you can count on it.
God.
Pamela.
Oh.
Hi, baby.
Wait, why are you whispering? Oh, it's Itchy throat.
What's up, lover cup? Oh, nothing.
Just Eating pie and watching a movie.
Aw, babe.
Tommy, I miss you.
Baby, I can't stand being away from you.
You want me to shoot over in a bit? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
That's okay.
I just I'm actually just gonna go to sleep.
Oh.
I just, um I was just calling to say good night.
So, good night.
Good night.
I love you.
I love you too, lover.
Good night.
Good night.
Is that the $26,938? I don't got time for your fucking weird-ass numbers.
That's the exact amount you owe me for my labor and for my tools.
So that's what this is about? All this for some lousy 27 grand? With that, you will atone.
I will be made whole once again.
Uh I don't see that happening.
You don't see what happening? You being made whole.
I may not know much, but I do know one thing, and that is winners and losers, and you, son, are a loser.
A bottom, a beta, a chump, a bitch.
No 27 grand's ever gonna change that.
That's just That's just you, bro.
For life.
Well, you're a bad person.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe I am.
But what about Pamela? Hmm? What did she do to deserve what you've done to her? Do you have any idea what you put that warm, kind, sweet woman through? Hmm? Is she a bad person? I came here to beat the living fucking shit out of you, but I can't seem to do that, so I'll just go with your flow, bro.
I'll make an offering to the gods.
Dude, no! - Is that what you want? - No! Is that what you fucking want? - No! - Huh? Go ahead, Ranch.
Go ahead and take it.
What the fuck? No! - That's my fucking money.
- Whoo! Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Now, motherfucker.
Now it's on.
What the fuck? This is so fucked up.
You're a piece of shit, man.
Guy at work.
So next thing you know, we're dragging him out there.
Get back.
Take a break.
- Watch your head.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
I know.
You don't have my money, do you? No.
There's this degenerate gambler.
Owes 3,200 to a guy that owes me 18,000.
So you are gonna get the 3,200 from this degenerate gambler for me.
How am I gonna do that? Bam.
Works like regular size, but you can keep it up your sleeve.
- No.
- No? - No.
- No? Look, I don't mean to critique how you run your business, but I am not the man to do this.
Wouldn't one of them be better suited for this type of work? Both are jammed up with priors.
Plus they don't owe me tens of thousands of dollars.
Drop him at the Albert guy's place.
Mm? Wakey, wakey.
Rise and shine! Oh, Tommy.
Baby, just got a call from a certain lawyer of ours.
The Penthouse verdict is in.
Today's gonna be a great day.
I know, but how can you be so sure? The decision wasn't supposed to come down for months.
Why else would it be so fast? Come on.
We gotta get that judge's name.
Fucking send him a fruit basket or something.
Yes? Fuck.
Come on, baby.
- There he is.
- Hey.
How's it going? Apologies for the short notice.
Hey, no problemo.
We're happy you're here.
What what What's that? That is a summary judgment.
Judge threw your case out.
Yeah! Fucking suck it, Guccione.
See, baby? What did I tell you? What? He ruled in favor of Penthouse.
What? He deemed Penthouse was in its First Amendment rights, as the tape, by virtue of its being in the public conversation, is newsworthy.
- That's fucking bullshit! - I agree.
I mean, I get the validity of the free speech argument, but for a judge just to accept it out of hand with no counterargument, that, I don't get it.
I do.
Well, they have to say something.
They can't say the actual reason.
Which is? That I don't have any rights.
Because I have Because I have spent my public life in a bathing suit.
Because I have Because I had the nerve to pose for Playboy.
They can't actually say that sluts And that's what this ruling is saying I am, in case you're unclear They can't actually say that sluts don't get to decide what happens to pictures of their body, that I don't get to decide what happens to my actual body, so they say something else instead.
Pam, I understand your position.
You will never understand my position.
This is why I should never have never done this.
I let you lead me exactly where I knew we'd wind up, which is a place you've never been before.
Whoo.
But I have, many times.
Don't worry, though.
It'll never happen again.
Pamela.
I'm sorry, sir, but he's not here.
Well, just tell him that Rand fucking called.
- Okay? - Yes, sir.
Albert.
You owe Prager $3,200.
- You can tell him I - I need the money now.
Or I'm gonna have to hurt you, man.
I don't want to hurt you, but I will have to hurt you.
I don't have it.
I don't have it! - Give it to me.
- I don't have it.
I need it.
I need that fucking money.
- I don't have it - I don't want to do it Hello? You getting on? Fuck.
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee back in the news.
Their steamy sex tape coming soon to the pages of Penthouse.
A spokesman for the magazine said they finally got the official, legal go-ahead to publish images from the notorious X-rated home video.
What was that all about? Your buddy's tape, Penthouse is running pictures.
- They want to.
- No, it's happening.
The judge just said it was okay.
Which means I have a lot of homework to do this weekend.
Terry, how about you? Just don't tell my husband.
- Have you seen it? - Hmm? The tape? Oh.
- No.
- Really? I would have figured for sure you would have seen it.
I don't need to watch that shit.
Have you? - Yeah.
- Yeah, at a party.
- Yeah.
- And? I mean, it's actually I mean, it's kind of sweet.
It's sweet? Yeah.
I mean, it should be I guess it should be disgusting.
Rich, debauched famous people just fucking on a boat, but it's it's it's It's, like, super wholesome.
It's it's romantic.
I mean, they're so in love.
Yes! And then it was shot really interestingly.
What do you mean by that? Well, Pam is holding the camera most of the time and she makes all these, like, very interesting artistic choices.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes! Like, at one point, they're fucking missionary style and Tommy's about to cum, so where does she point the camera? At his dick.
His face! She points it at his face for the cumshot.
Yeah, you never see that in a porno.
- Ever! - Huh.
And then she just sort of holds it there and you see how happy he is to be inside of her.
I mean, he fucking cries a little bit.
Oh, I think I think I got the picture.
I mean, I know you two have your issues, but I gotta say, I kinda like him.
I mean, I know he's a fucking idiot and everything, but he is He's strangely likable.
And he's so in touch with his feelings.
Totally.
Yes.
He's, like, some kind of a sensitive caveman.
All right.
We're leveling off.
Traffic has remained roughly unchanged for the last 30 days.
The numbers are still strong, but the growth curve.
- We need a pop.
- A pop? Something to get attention, stir up some buzz.
Like what? I don't fucking know.
Any word on Penthouse? Hello.
There's a Mr.
Ron Jeremy on the line.
Yeah? Great.
Yeah, put him through.
One moment, sir.
Quiet.
Ronnie J.
, to what do I owe the pleasure? Hello? Ron, you there? I trusted you.
Who is this? I trusted you, and you fucked me.
Rand, uh, I Hey, man.
I'm sorry.
I've been so out of the loop.
It's crazy busy over here.
I was actually gonna call you.
Don't do me dirty like that, Barb.
Now give me the money.
I thought we had a good thing going.
Well, I'm good, and you're a thing.
And you best get going.
Now, give me the bag.
So fuckin' proud of you.
Well, we'll just see how it plays.
Yes, the way it ends is it's just open for sequel, but, you know, it's just It's up to the studio.
Absolutely.
A steaming pile of shit.
That's the second best movie she's been in this year, man.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
What's going on? Picture you're in You're driving, you know, and you're in, um You're stopped at a red light and the cars coming in the other direction have a left-turn arrow.
So they're turning left in front of you, you know? And they keep coming, and then your light turns green, you know, so it's your turn, but these left-turn cars, they don't stop.
They keep coming.
And at first, you let 'em go.
You're like, "What's the big deal? It's not a big deal.
Just let them go.
" But you know, they don't stop and they're taking advantage of your kindness, and they know they're taking advantage of you and they know they're wrong and they're just doing it anyway.
Why? Because they're assholes? Tommy Lee was the millionth left turner to roll through my green, and he flipped me off and he threw garbage at me while he was doing it.
And after just taking it and taking it and taking it my whole life, I couldn't fucking take it anymore.
And so, I did it.
Wait, what did you do? I floored it and I smashed into him head-on.
Okay.
Could you be a little more literal? I stole his safe, which contained a certain video tape.
Wait a second.
You're the one who Yeah.
That's your big new business venture? Yes, it is.
I really don't get why you're so mad.
It's porn.
God, it is not porn, you asshole! - Yes, it is.
- No.
When people in porn have sex on camera, we we are giving consent for people to watch us.
We signed fucking releases, Rand.
Did Pam Anderson sign a release? Did Tommy Lee sign a fucking release? - Stop saying that word.
- Okay.
You're one of these fucking release people too? - Get out.
Get out.
- Okay, I will.
Who gives a fuck about these fucking releases? So stupid.
Fucking bureaucracy.
- No, Tommy, no.
- No way, we're doing it.
- No, I don't - Uh-uh.
- Tommy, I wanna go home.
- No way.
Not a chance.
Driver, go exactly where I say.
Do not listen to this major movie star sitting right next to me.
Hand over the lenses, Schmitz.
Over my dead body.
If you insist.
Wait, wait.
Barb, wait.
I need those lenses to evade the retinal scan at the airport, and you're gonna give them to me.
Sorry, Barb.
No can do.
Oh, yes, you will.
By this time tomorrow, I'll be on a flight out of Steel Harbor with that Red Ribbon bioweapon.
By this time tomorrow, you'll be six feet under.
You're pretty cocky for a guy with a detonator - Oh, my God.
- Strapped to his chest.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Give me the money! - Who are you, man? - Who am I? I am become death! The destroyer of worlds! Bare Necessity starting to fade.
- What the fuck? - No.
No, no, no, no.
No what'd you do that for, man? Shut the fuck up.
You Prager owe money.
Prager owes Butchie money.
And you owe Butchie money.
Butchie as in Peraino? Yes! And now you got me on your fucking ass.
You did this to yourself, you fucking idiot.
Fuck you! You did this to yourself! You did this to yourself.
You did this to yourself.
Should we get a drink? I want to go home.