Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

Wherever good is threatened, heroes rise to the challenge and always save the day! Except when they don't.
And that's when I go to work.
I zap in two dimensions every day It's my job to be a hero, save the world And make things right Kung fu moles, rescue trolls Punch a zombie! Score a goal! I'm a robot, I'm a rabbit, I'm a knight Stretching, swinging, sliding by Kicking monsters in the eye Boone and Sashi always sticking by my side No villain's gonna stop Penn Zero, part-time hero! Penn Zero, part-time hero! Penn Zero, part-time hero! Penn Zero So the chameleon looks in the mirror and says, "Hey, where'd I go?" Hey.
You should do stand-up, Boone.
I see you doing a stadium tour, tens of thousands of fans watching you, and laughing at you every night.
Get off the stage.
Hello.
Boone? - He's not moving.
- Hang on.
- You're welcome.
- Sorry, guys.
Guess I have a slight fear of public speaking.
You should just picture the audience in their underwear.
Pretty sure seeing people in their underwear would freak me out even more.
Then hopefully, this is not underwear world.
Look, I'm a girl.
Hey, Penn, don't fall in love with me.
That's a Supreme Court Justice's robe.
I'm president.
Ohh.
How cool is that? - Oh, I'm gonna prank-call China.
- You can't do that, sir.
Invite the French president over for game night? - Negative.
- Can I make homework illegal? - No.
- Can I at least order a pizza? You're signing bills from the legislative branch into law.
Okay.
Well, it's a pretty nice pen, I guess.
- Check the specs, Sash.
- All right.
The good news is, our mission isn't to pass a bill.
The bad news is, we're here to stop an alien attack!! Seize them.
Aliens have a weakness.
We just need to find out what it is.
It's not water.
- It's not sunlight.
- That's vampires.
It's not country music.
- It's not garlic.
- Again, vampires.
Boone, please concentrate.
Thank you.
Enough.
First officer, set the laser to "destroy planet.
" As you wish, my lord.
Because of your failure, all humans will have their brains melted and turned into meatloaf.
- Won't the melting ruin the meatloaf? - Brilliant, Mr.
President.
Do you have anything to add, Madam General? If you had a skull, I'd crush it.
Hm.
Does the Supreme Court Chief Justice have any last words? Uh I object.
- What's going on? What is this? - I don't know.
This isn't me.
Welcome to Outer Space Court Live, where we settle life and death inter-galactic disputes, but don't forget about the fun.
In today's episode, the Plaintiff, alien general Ugthar the Ugly, wants to blow up Earth.
No, that can't be my name.
But the defendant, the Supreme Court Justice of the United States, objects.
It's up to him to make his case for why Earth should exist.
So, it's time to make your case! Boone, stay calm.
Relax.
I'm sure not that many people watch this show.
We use our audience of billions to decide the winner.
Just text your vote for your favorite.
Hey, I know "billions" sounds like a lot, but no, no, there's no way to spin that.
That's a lot.
Other guests include Jorlanx from the Bilnarian Zoo, as always, Vick the Destroyer and his funshine minions of doom, and humorist Bruce Vilanch.
Help me.
Ugh.
Now, put your flippers together for our judge and host, Blort Clooney! Hello! Thank you, thank you.
How do you like that? Yeah? Check that out.
I've been working on this one.
Oh, yeah! Vick, did you have a crazy weekend? I couldn't help but notice you're missing your left flipper.
Yeah, bumped into a sand slug this weekend bit it right off.
Ugh, that's gross.
Don't need all the details.
Let's meet our contestants.
'Cause what time is it? Time for _ All right, who has a reason to blow up or not blow up Earth? First officer, blow up the Earth.
Fire! Fire, fire! Oh, nice try, but we won't allow you to destroy Earth unless you win the trial.
Penn, Boone's gonna freeze up again.
You're right.
There's only one solution.
You're up, Chief Justice.
Tell us why General Ugly shouldn't blow up planet Earth.
Boone, picture them in their underwear.
Underwear.
Earth is round, I think.
Is it round? Or is it more of a hexagon? Wrong.
It's round.
- I object.
- Me, too.
Ooh, only the Chief Justice can object, and you know what that means.
_ Today's punishment is brought to us by everyone's favorite alien animal wrangler, Jorlanx.
Welcome back to court, Jorlanx.
- How's your wife? - I ate her.
Single, huh? Whoo-hoo.
Watch out, ladies.
Literally.
He's super, super dangerous.
If this is my last show, tell my kids I love them.
Now, what have you brought us to punish the humans? This here is a baby Huburian Quirm.
Awww! This is a punishment? What, it's gonna cute us to death? Boone, you need to Ow! Hey! That's not funny.
Get it off.
Get it off me.
Now it's time for _ - I'm best friends with one of the contestants.
- No, he's not.
Spin the testimony wheel of doom, and make your case for Earth.
Pogo stick.
There are almost too many reasons to blow up Earth.
- One, I hate potholes.
- Your turn, Chief Justice.
Boulder.
Help! Somebody save me from this boulder, and my fear of public speaking.
And the hold music they play when you're on the phone.
I mean, come on.
Giant monster.
I don't wanna be Chief Justice anymore! _ And what does that gong mean? _ __ _ __ _ Oh, so close.
Tough break, General Ugly.
But now it's time to hear your closing statement as you run for your life.
Earth should be blown up because it's full of people who talk too loud on their cell phones in restaurants.
I rest my case.
_ Someone's gonna get down and funky, and remember, an audience of billions is watching.
Billions.
Billions.
Boone, under wear! Underwear! Underwear.
Underwear! Boone, you have nothing to fear.
But what if I make a mistake? I don't wanna sound stupid.
Oh, my son, the only mistake would be not expressing yourself.
You have good ideas, excellent ones.
Your friends believe in you, and so do I.
Maybe you're right, talking underwear.
Hey, could I have a bathroom break? Why should Earth exist? What does it for me are humanity's, you know, like, stunning achievements architecture, literature, art, and stuff.
A-A-And you'd be stupid to forget our expanding understanding of math, engineering, and science.
It's like I always say to my mom, why are we here? It is totally our quest for that very answer that justifies our existence.
That's his case? I thought I was all wet.
Well, ahem, I have never been so moved.
It's clear who our winner is.
But it isn't official until I bang the gavel of power.
- I find for the Supreme - The gavel of power is mine.
So I'm finding in favor of myself.
First officer, when I bang the gavel, blow up Earth.
Hey, Ugly, I have a surprise witness.
Yeah, and I sentence General Ugly to float in space forever.
I am No! General Ugly's gone.
- Let's go get ice cream.
- Yeah! Thank you, everybody.
You've been a fantastic audience, and I'll see you next week.
- Way to go, Boone.
- How did you overcome your fear? When I have friends like you guys, what do I have to be afraid of? - Bye, everybody.
- Help me now, please.
The galaxy's finished, boy.
You may not be a real hero, but you're going to perish like one.
Say hello to Jet Pack Larry! Larry! I hearts jet packs.
I bet I could win if I had a better Number Two.
Who says I can't have a better Number Two? How'd that get in there? - Good luck gumdrop? - Oh, I'm not the one who needs luck.
I found it in my shoe.
Okay, you are Crossbow.
He's a villain who puts the "evil" in medieval.
Get it? I just made that up.
- Larry.
- Okay, I didn't just make it up.
- I've been waiting for the right - Larry.
Anyway, we just stole all the gold from that poor town, and to win, - we gotta hide it from Penn - Larry.
in a super-secret hiding place.
I was actually thinking we could switch things up - this go-round.
- We're doing a trouser swap? Yes! No.
I'm talking about a tryout for my new Number Two.
- Number Two? - Larry, it's nothing personal.
You're just a really bad bad guy.
I'd like to win, like, once ever.
You can try out, too, so everyone knows what not to do.
Understand? Of course.
I mean, it's not like this is, you know, what I live for.
Okay, we're a theater troupe.
Penn's an actor, I'm a set decorator, and Boone's a playwright? Finally, a role fit for a Boone.
Pulleth mine finger.
The townspeople are in debt.
Crossbow has stolen their gold.
If we don't get it back by midnight, they lose their homes.
Extra, extra, read all about it.
Crossbow sets sights on new Number Two.
Tryouts in the forest today.
Crossbow won't tell us where the gold is, but I'd bet he'd tell his new Number Two.
- Then we should go talk to that guy.
- No, Boone, me.
I meant me.
I'll disguise myself and become his new Number Two.
'Twas the role I was born to play.
Oh, I don't Was that too Australian or? Welcome, aspiring Number Twos.
Just want to say I'm looking for real chemistry here.
An evil soul mate, if you will.
Anyway, may the worst man win.
One down.
Larry! I have a single arrow for the lucky henchman who's about to be named my new Number Two.
The winner will receive a four-star vacation to Jamaica, as well as their own handsome but slightly smaller steed.
So, without further ado, my new Number Two is the mysterious archer with the indistinguishable accent.
Will you accept my arrow? I'd be right honored, guv'nor.
Cheerio, pip-pip.
Wait.
Larry.
I I'm going to need this.
More slop for my new Number Two? Right-o, pip-pip.
Tickety-boo.
Your amusing expressions tell me you're from England.
- Where exactly? - Where am I from? Oh, um I'm from from Westminster shire ville? Westminstershireville.
Never heard of that.
Oh, it's hidden away, it is.
On the topic of hiding, I bet you found a jolly good place to hide the gold.
We'll talk shop later.
I've hired the local face painter.
- My name is Leonardo Da Vinci.
- Yes, whatever.
Let's do this.
Take off your mask.
I say, old man, I actually fancy gettin' me neck painted, which is not weird uh, dodgy.
It's not dodgy.
Wait a minute.
What you just said about getting your neck painted is even more hardcore! While I was on guard, I spotted the part-time heroes.
Great work.
Number Two, if it wasn't for you, I would never have put Larry on watch duty.
They look ridiculous in those period costumes.
We've got you surrounded.
Surrender or perish.
You surrender or perish.
I'm sorry, my dear, but I do not banter with sidekicks.
Only heroes.
Now where is that hero? Ow! Okay, you surrender, or whatever the second option was! - Better get back over there.
- Word of advice.
- Don't hit the tree this time.
- What did you say? Now, Number Two, you have to have good hero-villain banter.
Have fun with it.
Surrender or ooh, we'll feed you to the crows! I believe that's a thing.
Ooh, crow burn.
Nice.
Oh, yeah? Where are you gonna get the crows? Oh, I know.
Your men.
'Cause they're all a bunch of square crows.
Well, thy mother is a square crow.
Don't you talk about thy mother I mean, my mother.
Oh, it's Penn Zero.
Get him! You idiots.
That's Number Two.
All right, the heroes need that gold by midnight, so one of you fools better guard that tree.
- Tree? - Grazie.
There's nothing here.
Oh, I wouldn't say nothing.
Did you really think I'd let Larry guard the gold, Number Two? Or should I say, Penn Zero? The real hiding place is over there.
Yes, you almost had me fooled, but you made one big mistake.
A true villain would never help Leonardo Da Vinci to his feet.
A Number Two who likes neck paint and has great "thy mother" jokes was too good to be true.
You may not be a real villain, but you're going to perish like one.
Sashi, Boone, help! Oh, you fool.
Don't you know that you should never rely on anyone, especially your Number Two? I'll be sure to send my condolences to Westminstershireville.
Action! Guards, take him away.
Good job, boys.
Ooh, what took you guys so long? I wanted to force you to get real with the scene.
Whoa, great work on the sets, Sash.
Thanks.
The hardest part was training the squirrels and birds.
That's a wrap, guys.
You, real new Number Two.
There's still time.
Grab the gold and we'll escape.
- What are you doing, real new Number Two? - I just wanteth my reward.
My old Number Two would never have sold me out.
Help me, Larry.
Larry! Oh, Larry, Larry, Larry.
I'm so sorry, for the fool is I.
I could never replace you.
Apology accepted.
Larry? But how Oh, you might be a really bad bad guy, but you're the most loyal bad bad guy I could ask for.
Come on, bring it in, big guy.
Yes, we're hugging.
Get over it.