Perfect Couples s01e07 Episode Script

Short hair, goatee.
- You mean the black guy? - Oh, yeah, I guess-- yeah, he's black.
- [laughs.]
oh, bravo.
Wow, dave, so enlightened.
I mean, you didn't even notice.
Whoo.
Get a new dream, martin luther king.
This one just came true.
- So ellie-- she's the one who's squeamish About the texture of coconuts.
- That detail doesn't matter.
Will you just get to the end? - Or was it her sister? No, no, no, babe.
Her sister is the one who has the triplets.
- What is pertinent? Like, I can't follow the thread.
- She got pulled over.
- Who did? - Mandy.
- Who is mandy, okay? I mean, I don't even-- now there's a mandy? - There's always been a mandy.
- So we're in london.
- Yeah.
[humming rule, britannia!.]
- And we try to hop a cab at the same time As this other chap.
- [cockney accent.]
'ello, gov'na.
- This fight breaks out, and then the police come-- - [imitates siren wailing.]
- Just winding through the streets.
- I'm sorry.
Are we boring you? - Like the story about your kids' play was so riveting.
At least we're trying.
- What is that movie I love so much? Men in.
Ugh.
What is that word? It has that actor will smith, you know, the tall guy.
- Okay, you know what? Excuse me for being sensitive.
- No, dave, I am in awe.
I mean, where does it stop? Do you see gender? Do you even know that I'm a woman? - I'm walking the dog.
- Oh, well, is he a dog? Or do you just see a horizontal life force? [rock music.]
- ♪ the secret to the life ♪ you wanted ♪ it's all true someone's got to do it now we have the facets, working we've got proof all we need is you State-of-the-art kitchen.
It's, um--it's your basic dream house.
- It's a bit out of our price range.
- When you entered this beautiful home, Was it in your price range? Did you have some sort of great business reversal In the 20 minutes we spent showing you this place? Why did you waste our time? - I was gonna go with "maybe we show you the smaller house We have on hillcrest.
" But humiliating him in front of the missus-- That's a way to go too.
- It's just a great house.
It deserves a great owner, like me or you.
We should've been rich.
Why didn't we start a hedge fund? - We don't really know what they are.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, 5:00-- open house officially closed.
- You know what we should do? We should hang here and watch the hockey game.
- Here? No.
Owners are out of town-- Highly inappropriate.
- It is always something with you.
What happened to us? We never do anything anymore.
- We went to lunch yesterday.
- Lunch? When is the last time you and I had a classic dave/vance hang, No work, no ladies? - Classic.
Now, that-- yeah, it has been some time.
- We're taking this For granted.
- Let's go.
Let's go watch the game at a bar.
- It's too late for that.
My passion for this idea has taken root.
Where's the tv? - No.
That's a bad-- Are you-- that's really unethical.
People trust us with their home.
- This is happening.
- Once you cross that line, there's no going back.
[fanfare plays on tv.]
- what'd you do? The whole wall's a screen.
- It's all tv.
- Thank god you guys are here.
Dave, come in here.
- What's wrong? Is everything okay? - No, everything's not okay.
It's leigh.
- I have tennis elbow.
Damn golf wrist.
Oh, stupid surfing ankle.
Blasted horse allergies.
[sneezes.]
- The club mixed doubles tournament starts tomorrow.
Julia, you have to step in and be my partner.
- It's what I would have wanted.
- Country club, huh? Bunch of dumb, white snobs with dumb, white kids.
- Oh, I'm sorry, amy.
Um, dave, white is a skin color.
- All right.
- I'm currently men's singles and doubles champion.
I want mixed doubles too.
I need it.
I have a problem.
My name's rex, and I'm addicted to winning.
- He brings a desire to be number one In all aspects of his life All aspects.
- So what do you say, sis? You in? Little brother-sister combo like old times? - Yeah, except for mom won't be yelling at us Every time we miss.
- 'cause she's dead.
It's perfect.
- You know what? Yeah, that sounds fun.
I'm in.
- All right.
- Yes.
- Here's the deal.
First round, we face reigning club champions Ron and maureen griffin.
Maureen has a subpar net game, And ron has an ink spot on his forehead That he's very sensitive about.
- Got it.
I'll just stare at the splotch till he crumbles Like a cheap card table.
[chuckles.]
- Yay.
Competitive julia.
- Solid hang at the dream house yesterday, huh? - That was awesome, dude.
And the good thing is now we're fresh.
We can tackle this magnificent pile of work.
- Oh, we did it right.
We gave ourselves the reward first.
Now we've got nothing left to do but earn it.
- The light at the end of the tunnel's behind us.
- The new neighborhood comps are in.
- Isabella, we'll take those comps to go.
- Cannonball! - Killer splash, dude.
- I can do better, but thanks.
I'm gonna do a jackknife now.
- Whoo! - Whoo! Yeah.
- Good stretch.
She's my alternate.
Tennis elbow-- sorry, guys, I can't play today.
[brother bones & his shadows' sweet georgia brown.]
- Ron's wearing a hat.
- Took the splotch off the table.
Smart.
What else do we have? - She's paranoid that ron's sleeping around.
- I can work with that.
- Hi, I'm maureen.
- And this vision in a sweater vest must be ron.
Enchante.
- Whoo! Yeah! - Aah! - Agh! - Aah! - Argh! - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! - Arrrgh! [cheers and applause.]
- Could you two maybe not grunt so loudly? - I don't know.
Can you keep your man satisfied? - What? - What? Agh! Oh! That's match! - What? Yeah.
Whoo! - Yeah! - oh-oh-oh oh - Little something for your trophy case.
- Ha ha.
- Almost beautiful how in sync they are-- I mean, right down to the horrific sportsmanship.
- Such a great moment for rex.
I should be there by his side.
But the important thing Is actually that rex is winning, so - Aah! - Yeah! Yeah! - Semifinals, here we come! - Whoo! [both imitate gun cocking and gunshot.]
- Whoo! - Ooh.
Wicketed, not staked.
- Are we actually doing something? I'm just whacking things.
- God, I don't want this day to end.
- Owners don't come back for 36 hours.
I'm not leaving till then.
- Overnighter? You think you can pull that off with the lady? - Yeah, watch this.
- Texting the big ask-- That is bold.
- You don't ask permission.
You just take it.
Boom.
Send.
We need this.
[cell phone rings.]
hey, it's just one night.
I didn't think it would be a big deal.
- No, honey, it's fine.
I'm okay with it.
And, you know, still, I don't mean to be that kind of wife, But isn't sleeping in these people's house illegal? - No, just unethical.
This is really good for us, 'cause vance is getting married soon--we need this.
We need a little guy one-on-one time.
- I totally get it.
Enjoy your sleepover.
- Aw, thanks.
I was thinking that you were gonna think It was weird.
- No, no, I didn't mean to imply In any way that this was normal.
- Aw, thanks, sweetie.
- Oh, yeah? Well, if you love dave so damn much, Why don't you marry him? - If I lived in vermont, new hampshire, Massachusetts, connecticut, iowa, Or california pending appeal, maybe I would.
- Are you in? - I'm in.
[both laugh gleefully.]
- dude, you're right.
We do need this.
- I know.
- I'm gonna get stuff to grill.
- I'm gonna go try on his suits.
He's got great taste.
- [chuckles.]
not in real-estate agents.
- Definitely not real-estate agents.
- Amy, do you ever feel Like dave and vance's relationship is - Better than the ones they have with us? Yeah.
- You know, you dodged a bullet with rex-- No intense best buddy.
- Oh, rex had some candidates.
Over time, they kind of fell by the wayside.
Hi.
Rex is dead.
Okay.
- There she is.
- Sweetie, we were just talking about you.
- Semifinals tomorrow.
We should carbo-load.
- You know where we should go? Both: Ciccones.
- And you're paying.
- Don't be a wang.
- You're a wang.
- [laughs.]
I'm driving.
- Shotgun.
- He never calls me wang.
- All right, buddy.
I'm home.
I got beer.
I got meat.
I got robocop.
- Seen it.
Hey, dave.
- She stormed over after we talked.
- Yeah.
But then as soon as I walked in this place, I was like, "wait.
Why was I mad?" - It's the house, babe.
- Yeah.
Turns out we're big house people.
- Anyway, she's gonna hang out, if that's cool.
- [mutters.]
- awesome.
You want a beer, babe? - Yeah.
- Thanks, dave.
Hey, could you run, get us an opener? Awesome.
[gunfire on tv.]
- Kind of a big deal-- Married man staying away from home for the night.
Don't get to do it very often.
So you want to make sure you take advantage of those.
You're just going to do that? Okay.
Chit well spent.
[airlock hissing.]
It was supposed to be louder! Drinking their organic almond milk-- You know what? This is really helping me appreciate Where the elites are coming from.
- Totally.
- And I am loving These tiny lobster forks.
I mean, it's controlling my appetite, And I feel like a giant.
- I love what this house has done to our relationship.
It's been 18 hours since you called me stupid.
- Hey.
It's been 18 hours since you've been stupid.
- Vance, amy.
- Hey, sleepyhead, we lost you last night.
You crash in the game room? - Uh, uh, no.
I-I just went home.
- You did? Why? - Oh, I wanted a good night's sleep, Which was great, by the way, Because this morning, bright and early, I got a phone call from the fosters, Who want to see the house.
Mr.
And mrs.
Foster, welcome.
Thanks for coming.
Feel free to take a look around.
They're very interested.
- Nice shoes.
- Is this because amy came over? - I figure we've had our fun, and let's just get back to work.
- So you get to decide when the fun is over? Have you heard the news, mr.
And mrs.
Foster? Dave is my new dad.
Hi, I'm vance.
You're gonna love this house.
It's beautiful.
There's a ton of history.
I'm sure you've heard about that murder that took place here.
- [laughs.]
he's kidding.
Uh, it's just a whole thing we do.
Um, so you can see the pool from here.
It's very nice.
- That's where he did it.
Right there, under the water.
- It's got five bedrooms.
- Five dead rooms.
- May I speak with you outside? - Not before I speak with you outside.
[both laugh.]
- Whoo! That's 5-0, losers.
- One more game, and we win that trophy.
- Yes! - Your forehand's looking great.
- Oh, man, you look strong.
Whoo! - You guys are doing great.
- Thanks, hon.
The only thing that would've made it better Is if you were out there next to me.
- Okay.
- What? - Well, my elbow's all better, and I can play now.
Is that okay with you, julia? - What? - Can I borrow your paddle? - It's a racket.
- Babe, let's go! - Admit it.
You're ticked off because amy's here.
- You know what? I'm going back in to my clients.
- Not until you admit it.
- Okay, you should get out of my face.
- You shouldn't push someone Who's got a foot and a half on you.
- Okay.
You want to put me in a rudy mind-set? - I can't swim! I can't swim! - Vance! - [laughs.]
you've seen me swim, you moron.
Ah.
- You're dead.
[panting.]
Hey.
Let me show you guys the kitchen.
- No, I'm not mad.
It's just tennis.
- Really? 'cause you seem mad.
- How could I be? You tried your best.
- Rex, you were one game away from winning.
And then I start to play, and then we lose 13 in a row.
- Second place isn't bad, you know? - Rex, if you love me, You'll be honest with me right now.
- I got beat by old people.
I was trash-talked by an orthodontist.
He called himself the rex-ecutioner.
He asked me what I wanted for my last meal.
I'm a big man, leigh.
I need a big trophy.
I hate this thing.
Where are we gonna put it? - I'm so sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
- I forgive you.
I'm over it.
- Well, I'm still pretty frustrated.
- Don't pile on, julia.
- I wish I were an athlete But I'm not.
- Leigh, we have so much.
If we had any more, We'd be that couple that everyone hates.
We'd be, like, gandhi and mother teresa.
- Not sure they ever consummated that one.
- Sports is just such a big part of who you are.
It must be fun to share that with him.
- Leigh, how about I just give you some lessons? - Really? That's amazing.
- Yeah, I think it could be fun.
It would be my pleasure.
- Great.
Now, you should know I have terrible hand-eye coordination And a bit of an attitude.
- And she's got a mouth on her.
The ugliness that comes out of that pretty, little face.
- Rockets will be thrown.
Mother[bleep.]
.
- Getting better.
- Piece of [bleep.]
.
- Nice contact.
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
- Let's take a break! - I can't believe he hasn't called to apologize.
- I can.
Whenever you two fight, It always plays out exactly the same way.
- Don't know my patterns.
- You brood.
You mope.
You complain to me.
And then one of you comes up with some lame excuse To get back together.
- Dave, you know how I'm allergic to nuts? Well, I just ate a bunch by mistake.
- Yes, is the number you call for the exact time, please? Oh, vance.
I must--oh.
Oh.
- I'm on my way.
- So what's it gonna be, huh? Am I gonna have to sit through another two-week spiral With all of the emotional eating that comes with that, Or are you just gonna talk to him now? - I'll talk to him.
- And, honey-- did you bring that with you? Where did you get that? Honey! - Hey, guys.
Vance, you won.
Dave caved.
- Oh, I graciously accept.
But as the receiver of the apology, I do have some conditions.
- Why would you accept? I don't need to apologize to you.
- Dave.
- Thanks to your wife, This whup-ass will remain in its can.
- Here's the thing.
You insisted we have our night, and you bring amy into it.
And I-it was thoughtless.
- Thoughtless? Thoughtless? You're--you're calling me thoughtless? - Say "thoughtless" again.
That's good.
- All right.
For years, I haven't said anything 'cause it's too painful, But the way you ditched me when you and julia got serious, That was thoughtless.
- What? Are--you-- with julia? I handled things great.
- Oh, really? What about the day you moved out on me? - What about it? - You left me while I was at the dmv.
There's no last moment together, man.
There's no, you know, "hey, it's been a good six years, buddy.
" No "you know what? I'm really proud of you For getting that class-m motorcycle license.
" It's just that horrible voice mail.
- I'm--I'm sure it wasn't horrible.
- Well, why don't we just take a listen? - Wh--how--what, did you save a message From three years ago? [on phone.]
hey, vance, it's dave.
Both: Just wanted to call and say hey.
I left the extra keys on the kitchen counter.
- [vance, amy with voice mail.]
also, let me know When the electric bill comes.
We'll figure out how to prorate the days I wasn't there.
Er, um, let's see.
What else? [clicking tongues.]
that's it.
All right.
Check you on the flip side.
- Yeah.
That--that's not a good message.
- No.
- I feel like I left a note.
- I feel like it was about the leftover food And what to do with it.
Then you promised to Both: Check me on the flip side.
- You did kind of say that a lot.
- I'm sorry, man, really, sincerely.
That was-- I handled things badly.
And, um, you didn't say anything this whole time.
That takes a big man-- Somewhat undercut by the message saving, but And that's not the original phone, Which implies some sort of downloading Onto a hard drive.
- We grow up, man, you know? And you meet a great lady.
And, you know, this just-- this gets harder.
- I know, man.
Hey.
I know.
Yeah.
I think--yeah.
Hmm.
But you know what? In some ways, I think the girls actually bring us closer together.
If it wasn't for julia, I probably wouldn't have come tonight.
- If I have to share you with anybody, I'm glad it's her.
She's a peach.
- And you're a peach too.
- Aw.
Can I have my own word, though, Like cookie or princess or Big mama? - Hey, sullivans don't get home till tomorrow.
Let's make a pledge.
If we get rich, the four of us buy a house Like this together.
- Dibs on master bedroom! - Damn it.
- That's not gonna happen, right? - Hmm.
Don't worry.
There is no way those two are ever getting rich.
[door closes.]
- Sullivans are home.
Sullivans are home! - Oh.
Ah! - Get the ribs! Go! Scatter--code blue.
- Get the wine.
Get the wine! - Go, go, go.
- The wine.
I got the wine.
You start the car, honey! - [indistinct.]
.
Let's go.
Oh! I'm okay.
- [julia and dave imitate vance on voice mail.]
Dude, it's me.
I'm so glad we were able To get everything out in the open.
IJust love you guys [voices breaking.]
so much.
- Sure.
Payback.
I get emotional, and you guys sit around And memorize it.
- Oh, we didn't try to memorize it.
- You have a standard drunk-dial script.
Play the one from last week.
- [julia and dave imitate vance on voice mail.]
Dude, it's me.
I'm so glad we were able to play softball together.
IJust love you guys [voices breaking.]
so much.