Players (2010) s01e07 Episode Script

I know what time it is! You have any idea who holds the record For doubles in the national league? Huh? - I don't know.
Jose Canseco? - [mocking.]
"I don't know.
Jose Canseco?" Proves to me that you're not much of a sports fan.
- What are you doing? - I'm havin' a drink.
Gimme another one.
- What? No! - Don't you give me "no.
" that's bullshit.
That's the kind of shit I hear from my sponsor.
Listen, today, above all days, You better stay outta my face, you understand? Do you understand me? Bring that bottle down to the end of the bar And leave it.
- Ohh! The samurai won again.
Samurais.
- Yeah, I just I don't feel comfortable With him filming me.
I'm sorry.
I just don't.
- It's just a sex tape.
They can be fun.
I have one on the Internet.
You want to see it for, like, tips or something? - No, Krista.
I want to make him happy, But I know he's gonna be judging me the entire time.
- You know why you care about his judgment so much? 'cause you've lost the power in your relationship.
You gotta do something that shows Bruce, Hey, I run this relationship! I got it.
If guys are gonna screw you over - Whoa! - You're gonna screw them first.
Take this strap-on and use it on Bruce.
- [laughs.]
I'm not gonna do that.
- Why not? - It's insane.
- It's a great idea.
Look how perfect this is.
It'll fit right in him.
You've got to use this on Bruce.
And then after you use it on him, He'll just know that you're in charge.
Just a little warm feeling you get in your heart That you know he can't screw you over.
- I'm in charge.
- You're in charge.
- Okay.
- So what are you gonna do to him? - I'm gonna do it.
- What is "it"? Say it out loud.
- I'm gonna fuck him in the butt! - Yes! That's my girl! [giggling.]
Ow.
- I'm so sorry.
- Ken, did you put coconut air fresheners In our bathrooms? - Yeah.
It's nice, huh? - No, it's not nice.
It doesn't mask the smell.
It makes it smell like piss candy in there.
And what is this now? Calligraphy menus in a sports bar? - Yeah.
- Why? - Because I want everything to be nice For the critic tonight.
- Hey, you promised me the only thing you were changing Were tablecloths.
I'm throwin' this out.
- No, come on.
- Yes.
- That's it.
He puts a white sheet over his head.
Tris speaker was a member of the k.
K.
K.
, And Pete rose can't get in.
There is no God at all! There's no God! This is crazy.
- What's the matter with him today? He came in completely aggressive, drinking.
- Look, today's hall of fame induction day, okay? It's like Christmas for hard-core baseball fans Like hickey, and every year, Pete rose does not get in because of the gambling.
Haven't you ever cared about something? - Maybe he should just go home.
- He's like a fixture, Ken.
If customers come in here and there's no hickey, That's like goin' to London And there's no big Ben.
It might freak people out.
- Calvin? Brand-new nametag.
I want you wearing that for the critic tonight.
- 'Kay.
- Calvin, what did we just talk about? - That rerun of deadliest warrior? It's on again.
It's not looking good for the viking.
- No.
Getting done what you need to get done To get your job done.
- I know.
I try, believe me.
But it's like every time I do some bar stuff, Like stack glasses or anything, I get bored, and then I get distracted by stuff like the TV.
- You know what you need? A motivational tool.
I have just the thing for you.
I use this myself.
I imagine that someone who is very important to me, Whose opinion I value, is coming to meet me that day, And I want to have everything ready and perfect for them.
For instance, when I use this, I'll use Clinton Clark, founder of soup ranch.
So you might use - Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Okay.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Is coming to this bar tonight, And you want to show him what a great bartender you are.
- Why would he come to Phoenix? He's the king of California.
- He's the governor, and, um The important thing is, Schwarzenegger is coming to this bar, And you want to impress him with the great job you do.
- Yeah! I got so much stuff to do.
- All right.
- Shouldn't be there.
[hickey screams, loud crash.]
- Right in your face! Suck my balls! - I'll handle this.
- Hey, what are you You want a piece of this? You want a piece of this? - Hickey! - Aah! [cans crashing.]
- Jeez, kid! Every year, I get through this! I don't know why I get through it every year! They don't let him in! The records this guy put up! He's one of the greatest baseball players to ever live! He gave nothin' but hustle! - Just do me a favor, okay? Try and forget about it.
- All right, I just gotta calm down.
Just give me a few minutes to calm down, Will ya, please? - Just take some time.
[hickey crying.]
- You good? - Aah! I'm good! - Hey.
- What's up? - Did you tell Barb to fuck me in the ass With a strap-on dildo? - She did it already? - No, she didn't, and she never will.
What are you thinking? - Look, Barb just needed to gain a little ground In the relationship.
I wanted her to feel powerful, So that seemed just like a simple solution.
- There's other solutions.
That's like prison logic, Krista.
- Well, there's a lot of things That you don't think you like, And then you like once you do them.
I mean, remember, you said You didn't like split pea soup? - Yeah.
- And then you tried it, And then you liked it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
That's not like split pea soup.
I know what I will and won't like, And I won't like having that thing Shoved inside me.
- Let's just agree to disagree.
I was wrong in thinking that you would be cool, And I'm sorry about that.
- Okay.
You see this? Ridiculous.
They look like a page From a 13-year-old girl's dream journal.
- Or an invitation for a gay wedding.
- Yeah, exactly.
- That thing is really big.
- Is it? - [straining.]
I'm awesome.
I'm awesome.
I'm awesome.
I'm awesome.
- What are you doing? - Arnold's comin' tomorrow, So I'm gonna be workin' out for the rest of the day.
- You know what? Forget about Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He's not coming.
- Why isn't he coming? - Put the weight down.
Okay, this isn't working.
We gotta give you some other way to get motivated.
Here we go.
Pretend that you're going on vacation, Because when people go on vacation, They get all their work done, So they don't have anything weighing on their mind.
- Where am I going? - I don't know.
Anywhere.
- Um I'd want to go here.
- No, no.
You can go anywhere but here.
You have to go somewhere.
- But I don't want to go away.
- Do you like the beach? - Yeah.
- Okay, great.
You're gonna go to Barbados.
- Really? - Yeah, but you're goin' tomorrow, So you gotta get 'all your work done, 'cause you don't want that hangin' over your head.
- Yeah, I better get crackin'.
- All right.
Leave the barbell! - Right.
- Hey, Bruce, for the critic tonight, Got you a nice new shirt to wear And a "co-owner Bruce Fitzgerald" nametag.
- Oh, that's nice, man.
Not gonna wear it.
- Aw, no, come on, you gotta wear it.
- I can't wear that, Ken.
I feel like a salesman at a convention.
- No, it looks classy.
- This is a club house.
- [shouting.]
- This isn't corporate - [muttering.]
[punch thuds.]
Bunch of bullshit all the time! Bunch of bullshit all the time! [muttering.]
I can't do this anymore! - Hickey! - I can't do it anymore! - Hickey! - What?! What?! - Listen to me.
Look in my eyes.
- [crying.]
what? - Who am I? - Bruce.
- Okay.
Listen to Bruce.
- All right.
- You misspelled "Charlie hustle.
" - What? - The "l" goes before the "e.
" - Shit.
Well, you try writin' it upside down When you been on a 12-hour bender And pissed your pants already.
Jeez, I can't take this anymore.
It happens all the time.
I can't believe this has happened every single year.
I gotta go.
I'm not havin' a good day, bru.
- Ride it out.
Ride it out.
- I'm not havin' a good day.
[sobbing.]
- Did you really think spelling Was the priority at that moment? - I know.
I always focus on the small picture In a crisis.
- Barb, I'm so sorry about that advice I gave you before with Bruce.
- Yeah.
I've never seen so many emotions Pass through a human's face.
- Look, you know, there's still things you can do To make you feel powerful in your life.
There are things that you can carry on you To make you feel more secure.
- Really? Like a rape whistle? - Rape whistles are for victims.
Survivors use knives.
- Jesus, Krista.
- I want to give this to you.
- Krista, are you carrying that around in your apron? - Yes.
It makes me feel like if shit goes down, I can take care of myself.
I'm in charge of the situation When I have this on me.
Look, just carry it with you.
You don't even have to use it.
Just have it on you.
It'll make you feel more powerful.
- Okay.
I'm gonna close this right now.
- Do what you gotta do.
- All right, well, I don't want to take your knife, Because then you won't have one.
- No, I got another one.
[knife whooshes.]
- How many knives do you have in that apron? - Calvin, what are you doing? You're supposed to be getting ready for vacation.
- My vacation's canceled, 'cause there's a tropical depression in Barbados.
-What? - Yeah.
All the airlines are canceled.
I even checked charter flights.
- Okay, once again, you've missed The entire point of the exercise.
Look, what we have to do Is give you something more immediate.
From this moment on, I want you to imagine you have cancer.
You're gonna be dead tomorrow, So you want to finish up All the work that you have to do, Because you don't want to burden Your friends and fellow employees With picking up your slack.
- No, I don't.
- Okay? - What kind of cancer do I have? - It doesn't matter.
All you need to know Is that it's incurable, And you have 24 hours to live.
- Is it bone cancer? - It doesn't matter.
- Man, I better seize the day.
- Yes.
- Carpe seize 'em.
- Right.
Carpe seize 'em.
- Let's do it.
- Okay! Hey, well hey! You don't have pants on! - I'm sorry about this.
It's like he's getting ready for the may queen.
Hey, Barb? - Yeah? - I've been thinkin' about your fear of judgment, And I think it might be psychological.
- Bruce.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know you cared about that stuff.
- Well, I have six credits in psychology From a junior college.
Almost a degree.
I think your fear of judgment comes from your past.
- Huh.
- Was your husband supportive? - Yeah, actually, he was.
100%.
That was one of the reasons why I fell in love with him.
- I bet your parents weren't supportive.
- Yeah, they were, too.
They still are.
- Okay.
- It's funny, actually.
This is the only relationship I've ever been in Where I felt really insecure And bad about myself pretty much the whole time.
- No, this is a dead That's not a fruitful tangent to follow.
What I've learned is Usually something from your distant past Can cause an event to happen like - T-minus 20.
- T-minus 20 till what? - Oh, till the critic gets here.
He's so excited.
Are you okay? - Mm-mmm.
- Oh, Jesus.
- [vomiting.]
- ohh! Oh, God.
You okay? - Mm-hmm.
- [gags.]
I always look at it.
Why did you look at it? - I don't know.
- Whoa.
Did you ever date a critic? - No.
- Did you ever share an apartment with a critic? - I'll think about it.
Just don't say the word again, 'cause that's definitely doing something.
- I'm just being psychological.
- Yeah.
Um Actually, I do remember one critic.
I was in a Christmas pageant when I was eight years old, And this theater reviewer from the local newspaper Came to see it.
I remember he wrote A wonderful review of the entire production, But singled me out, saying that Barb tolan Is completely tone deaf, poorly dressed, Utterly charmless.
I never performed again after that.
- This is amazing, though, Because tonight, you will wait on the critic, And you will conquer your fear, And you will be healthy and strong of mind, And better, And able to make sex tapes with Bruce.
- [gags.]
It's going the other way this time.
- Go on, go on, go on, go on.
- Krista, where did all my flowers go? - Ask Bruce.
[Ken stammers.]
All right, don't look, but that is Rufus Ramsay.
He's here early.
Go seat him.
I'll be right there.
Calvin, I want you to find a vase of flowers And put it on Ramsay's table.
- WellI'm dying, so - You're not really dying.
Go.
Get some flowers.
- What do you [horns honking.]
Do you want a piece of this? You want a piece of this, you asshole? Come back here! I'll show you a piece of this! All right, whoa-ho! Whoa-ho! Here, let me tell ya.
Let me tell ya.
Let me show you what to look at.
Right here! [horn honking.]
Yeah! Ah ha ha ha ha! - SoKrista.
- Mm-hmm.
- What appetizer do you recommend? - Uh, my favorite is the nitty-gritty nachos.
- Why? - I like the four cheeses.
- What are they? - Cheddar, jalapeno cheddar, Monterey Jack, and gruyere.
- Well played.
Very good.
I will have the nitty-gritty nachos, And for the soup - I think Barb's gonna take over.
- Sure.
- Well, I - Afternoon, ruthless.
My name is Bruce Fitzgerald.
I'm the co-owner Of the bar.
I'd like to introduce you to your real waitress, Barb tolan.
Barb, do you have a second? - Uh, no, I don't, actually.
I'm in the middle of something right now.
- Just a second? Do this.
- Sir.
- You will do this.
- Sir, please.
- You will do this.
Bon appetite.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Welcome to Oh, my God, I forgot the name of the restaurant.
- Players? - Players.
Welcome.
- Could I have a moment to myself? Just that's okay with you? - Yes, sir.
- Just to - Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
Little farther.
- Here's your flowers.
You should take a minute to enjoy 'em, 'cause you don't know how long you got left, you know? - Mr.
Ramsay, welcome to players.
I'm a huge fan.
My name is Ken Fitzgerald.
I'm the co-owner.
- I think there's vomit in there.
- I highly doubt that.
- [coughs.]
- Oh! - I think it is.
- Think what we have there Is some decaying plant matter.
Krista, please take this away.
- Ugh! There's vomit in here! - No, there's not.
There's decaying plant matter.
- Thank you, Krista.
- If you'll notice, we don't just offer Your typical bar fare.
We have exotic dishes like our tofu stir-fry.
- That's because I'm Asian, right? - No.
I bring it up Because it's a heart-healthy offering.
- Because I'm a fat Asian? - No, no, no! No, no.
May I please bring you a complimentary drink? - Vodka gimlet.
- Ah.
[chuckles.]
Well chosen.
- Racist retard.
- Why do you have that on? - 'cause all my hair fell out from the chemo.
My head got cold.
- Make me a vodka gimlet.
- I forgot how to remember how to make those.
- What? - I think the cancer spread to my brain.
- Look, you don't have any goddamn cancer! Make me a vodka gimlet, And take it to the critic before I kill you.
- Hello, hi.
Um, these are your food items that you've ordered.
This is the pizza.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I don't know that thumb got in there.
- It's okay.
- It's mine.
Are you writing that down? - No.
- Okay, 'cause I [egg rolls fall.]
Sorry.
That's fine.
This one's okay to eat.
- Barb? Barb? - This one's not okay.
It's got a hair.
- Barb, take five? You want to take five? - Yeah.
- I'll take this.
Sorry about that.
She's normally a great waitress.
Uh, her mother just had her head ripped off By a severed power cable.
- Okay, then why is she working on the floor? - Vodka gimlet? - [coughs.]
- Hello.
Is everything all right with the drink? - You trying to get me drunk? - No.
We just believe in a good, strong drink For a good, fair price.
- Hey, guys, uh, look, about before, I want to apologize for my behavior.
- It's okay.
- It was wrong, and it was stupid For me to think that Pete rose Is ever gonna get into the hall of fame.
- [laughing.]
oh, man, what a joke.
- What's a joke? - Pete rose, hall of fame? Such a grit, that guy.
- Who? - Pete rose, man.
The guy bet on his own games.
What kind of moron he wrote it in his book.
- What are you, a dickwad, ho chi minh, or what, huh? If I were you, I'd just watch what you say.
Both: [screaming.]
- Let 'em work it let 'em work it out! - Please don't fight!! - Get back! Get back! Get back! - Aah! Aah! He bit me in the eye! - I will end you! I will end you! - Aah! I'm in control! - Tastes good! - You were completely justified! - Okay, take it easy there, Ramsay! Take it easy! - You want some? - Take it easy! Just everyone relax, okay? Just sit down.
- You guys? I don't feel so good.
- Will you stop pretending to be sick? Get back to work.
- Sorry.
Man, it's like My back hurts for some reason.
- the first no-o-el the an-gels did say - Well, finally got the puke smell out of this vase.
- I cannot believe you stabbed Calvin.
- I already explained this.
Once the fighting started, I started to feel powerless, And so I had to do something about it.
- You were nowhere near the fighting when it started.
- I could see it.
- Guess what I have guys? Got the review from Rufus Ramsay right here.
- Don't read that thing.
- Listen, it's glowing.
"my visit to players was an epicurean delight.
" And then he goes on to describe our bar menu Like it's a four-star restaurant.
"herb-encrusted chicken fingers, "seasoned potato fries, Grilled ground Chuck in a bun pocket.
" - [laughing.]
- And then just some nonsense.
- You see? Critics aren't a big deal.
- [singsong.]
someone should charge their video camera.
- Maybe I will.
- I don't understand how we got A review like that after what happened.
- I had a friend of mine pay him a visit.
- The mafia? It's unethical.
- Come on, Ken.
- Hey, Bruce, why didn't you read the rest of it? - It's nonsense.
Don't - "the only thing that could possibly put a damper "on the culinary thrill ride is the singing waitress.
Avoid her caterwauling at all costs.
" - [vomits.]
[all vomiting.]