Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Go ninja! I was chosen to protect my school from the forces of evil.
I am the ninja.
I am Randy Cunningham.
Smoke bomb It's four PM and I'm still at school It's all good I ain't P-Slim's fool I can't remember when I was ever bored-er 'Cause I got a terminal case of detention deficit disorder I got that detention deficit disorder I got it bad - We are 30 Seconds to Math! - Good night! Man, I cannot wait to win the Battle of the Bands, and shove it in my sister's face! - She wins every year.
- Not this year.
Tonight, 30 Seconds to Math joins Norrisville's rock elite, permanently markered on the Stall of Fame.
Let's take it from the top.
Sorry, boys.
Got a Code Orange in my bucket here.
I'd get outta splashin' distance if I was you.
What's got five nipples and is gonna win the Battle of the Bands? These guys! Lock it up! Now that we've locked it up, I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about NNS.
- NN what? - Ninja No-Show.
It's a friendship threatening condition where two bros are about to do something awesome, but one bro ninjas out and totally blows it! - By the way, you're the ninja, bro.
- What? I don't do that! Oh, NNS! Swing! NNS! - NNS! - Ninja leap! OK, you know I may have NNS'd on occasion, but tonight's the Battle of the Bands.
No way will I NNS! Swear it, Cunningham! Swear it on my beats! On your beats.
Now let's go back in there and get our rehearsal on! All yours, boys.
Try to breathe through your mouths.
Maybe we should take a fiver.
Let's make it a tenner.
I gotta visit the Stall of Fame.
Do not NNS! Robo-ape? I can't NNS.
I took a beat oath.
Ten minutes I can do this.
Smoke bomb! I have no idea what you Robo-Apes are up to, but I'm not gonna let you get away with it.
Ninja slice! Ninja kamas.
- Oh-oh.
- Ninja scarf-stopper.
Yah! Tell me what McFist's got cookin'.
I don't know the whole menu.
I only handle appetizers.
- That a joke, Robo-Ape? - No, Ninja, we're caterers.
We're catering the Battle of the Bands.
"McFist Finger Foods, a division of McFist Industries"? Yeah, sure.
If you guys are caterers, then how do you explain this crate full of cocktail weenies.
Well, looks my job here is Smoke bomb! Hey, Howard.
Everything good? That's so fantastic.
OK, cool.
Let's rock.
- One, two, three - Hmm Howard, are you ready to rock or what? Oh, I was ready to rock a billion minutes ago.
- There were these Robo-apes - So you did NNS! Only a little.
It looked like they were up to something, but turns out they were up to nothing.
All good! Not good! That's a UNNS! - Hmm? - Unnecessary Ninja No-Show! I am an awesome drum machinist, maybe the best ever, but I cannot battle those bands alone! You won't be alone.
I won't NNS.
- Robo-ape! - I'm on it.
- Huh? - I knew it! You didn't just break a beat oath, - you broke up our band.
- Howard What the juice, Nomicon? I try to be a good ninja, fail.
I try to be a good friend, double fail.
What am I supposed to do? "Friendship is a weight the ninja cannot carry.
" Forget it, Nomicon.
That is all kinds of wrong.
The ninja just took down our entire catering division.
This is a disaster! I'll say, it's the height of Bar Mitzvah season.
We need a new way to smuggle the True-hickey - into the Battle of the Bands.
- It's called a Truth Tone.
It resonates at a frequency which tickles the truth-lobe of your fallacy cortex.
- So when the ninja hears it - Yeah, he'll be forced to tell us who he is.
I know how it works! Yo, McFist, I need new turntables.
Gimme money.
What happened to the ones I bought you last week? Jumped on 'em! Hannibal, perhaps you should give the boy some turntables.
I'm trying to teach the boy responsibility here.
Where's your money hole?! Whoo-hoo! Found it! - What's the secret numbers? - Ha! Like I'd ever tell you! Forty-six, 23, 44, 14.
Why'd I just tell him? Whoo! Jackpot! Nice work, Viceroy! Now he's going to buy new turntables, and we can plant the Truth Phone on them at the Battle of the Bands! - This is my best plan ever! - Your plan? But I - # Who are my bro's, yo?! - # We're your bro's, yo! - # Who are my bro's, yo?! - # We're your bro's, yo! - # Who are my bro's, yo?! - # We're your bro's, yo! - # We're your bro's, yo! - Man, they are bro's.
That's why they're so good I know a power synth duo that can beat 'em.
'Course the drum machinist would have to forgive the keytar player for being a total wonk.
How do I know I can trust you? Because the Nomicon told me not to be here.
- But I'm here.
- I never liked that book.
- # Who are my bro's, yo?! - # We're your bro's, yo! - # Who are my bro's, yo?! - # We're your bro's, yo! Get ready for it, Viceroy.
Bash is about to play the truth frequency.
The ninja will soon be ours! It appears Bash is having a turntable malfunction.
He's having a brain malfunction! Find an act with an instrument that works.
My guitar is missing! Has anybody seen it? It's dark pink with light pink skulls and a pink strap that says "Heidi Weinerman" - in hot pink letters - Huh? What the juice? No, I will not NNS! I'll just check it out and be back before Howard even notices.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
Remember my awesome drum solo? It's now three minutes awesomer, buddy.
Buddy? Are you kidding me? We are done! Smoke bomb! I'm pretty sure that guitar doesn't belong to you.
- Heidi said we could borrow it? - You're lying, Robo-ape.
And now you're getting ninja punched! Get him.
Up next is the 9th grade powersynth duo, 30 Seconds to Math! We're done.
The band's broken up.
He Yoko Ono'd.
Apparently 30 Seconds to Math has broken up, something to do with betrayal and "that selfish wonk, Randy Cunningham," so Put your hands together for Julian and his creepy theremin! Boo! I said, "Boo.
" Yah! I have a sword, you have monkey hands.
Hardly seems fair.
OK, that's fair.
- Uh, what's with the whisk? - I was designed to run the omelet bar.
Ow, that stings.
Stupid Cunningham reunites the band just to break it up again.
Aw, I dropped my pluot! This day just keeps getting worse.
The Robo-apes have gone missing, and you still haven't planted our musical mind-control device! Haven't I? As soon as she hits the right frequency, we'll pop the question, and the ninja will out himself.
I gotta warn that jerk Randy.
Yah! Ninja rings.
What's up, N-Ville! I would like to dedicate my song to whoever returned my guitar.
This jam is about the ninja.
While we can't all be the ninja, if we work super hard and totally together, we can all be a little bit like him.
You need to get out of here, Cunningham.
I know you're mad, and you have every right to be Hey! He wears a mask but don't we all? When he's not around we have to stand tall - # You've got the ninja in you # - Stop pushing me, I'm trying to apologize! Save it! Right now you need to leave.
Bad stuff is gonna happen.
You mean the Robo-apes? I took care of that.
That's why I ninja no-showed, and Why are you cramming cupcakes in my ear? inside of us all There's a ninja inside of us all - # There's a ninja inside # - Yes, yes, it's working! Check, two.
One, two.
Check, two.
Who is the ninja? I'm the ninja! Why did I say that? And I am the ninja! And you're the ninja.
And you're the ninja.
And you're the ninja.
There's a ninja inside us all! I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
They can't all be the ninja! They genuinely believe the ninja is inside them.
We've been bested by a catchy pop hook! - # There's a ninja inside us all # - I am the ninja.
- Howard, now I'll never win! - Rock and roll! Listen, Howard the Nomicon told me a ninja can't have friends, but no ninja's ever had a friend like you.
Uh, are we gonna rock? 'Cause this is startin' to get awkward.
Prepare your ears for 30 Seconds to Math! Detention deficit disorder Yah! One of us picked a bad day to be a Komodo Dragon in shogun armor.
Prepare to get air fisted.
OK.
First, separate the clouds gather the fallen wind and free the chicken.
I can't, I can't! "Free the chicken?!" What am I supposed to do with that? Yah! Alright, alright, alright.
Clouds, wind, chicken.
Chicken! OK, OK, OK.
I'm gonna do it this time for real.
Come on, Nomicon! The air fist is ruining my ninja steeze! "Respect is the key that opens all doors.
" OK, one, who said anything about doors? That's completely off-topic.
And, two, nobody's gonna respect the ninja if he looks like a chicken-tossing shoob.
Whoa Just sayin'.
Huh? We're under attack! There's a monster on campus! Everybody leave your belongings and exit the building.
- Ah! What the juice? - You got a death wish, kid? Nothing in that bag is worth dying for.
- Come on, it's just right there - And the exit is right there! Alright, alright.
Move it! We're all doomed! - Finally! Doomed! - Push, shove, trample! Help! Don't panic, I'm sure the ninja will be here any minute.
I mean, he's probably just a little held up - It's the ninja.
- Me? I'm not - Why would you even think that? - We're saved! What the ninja? - Students of Norrisville.
- Huh? - Check it out! - Weinerman? Yeah, we're all dead.
- Why are you dressed like that? - Yup.
Monster Drill.
And guess who Slimovitz picked to be the ninja? Spoiler alert It's me.
- This is so funny, it's beyond funny.
- I know, I know.
I mean, you're lazy, you're slow, - you don't like to sweat.
- I don't! I really don't! You as a ninja You as a ninja! Ha, I know yes me That suit.
You look ridiculous.
- It's not that funny.
- It is, it really is.
Best.
Surprise.
Ever.
I have not laughed this hard in a long time.
You as the ninja This is awesome! Wait, you're not mad, are you? No! No, I'm not mad.
I'm not mad at all.
Now, if you're finished, I have to take my ridiculous self to the Monster Drill.
See that sounds like mad.
Oh, Francesca.
Will you and the stable boy ever find true love? Viceroy, what are you doing? You have reached Viceroy.
I can't get to the phone because I'm attempting to enjoy the only day of vacation my unethical boss gives me each year.
Leave a message after the tone.
- Tone.
- Quit messing around! The Slaying Mantis just came back from the shop.
I want to take it out for a spin.
You know, kick the tires.
Destroy the ninja.
And I'd be more than happy to do that when I get back.
Fine I'll do it myself! It doesn't take an evil genius to drive a tactical assault arthropod.
Ha-ha! - You forgot to open the case.
- Aren't you on vacation?! Welcome to Norrisville High's annual Monster Drill.
Had this been a real attack, you would've all been monstered.
Which is why we're gonna practice having a safe day, the NINJA way.
"N.
Nobody panic.
" "I.
I insist, nobody panic.
" "N.
Nobody, and I mean nobody panic.
" "J.
Just don't panic, nobody.
" And I can't stress this last one highly enough, "A.
And get out of the ninja's way.
" C'mon, Howard, don't be so sensitive.
This is our thing.
This is what we do! Oh, no, Cunningham.
This time you crossed the line! So now that you know what to do in a monster attack, let's practice.
Where is my monster? Save it for the show, Bucky.
Oh, stupid monster hands! I'm all claws.
You promised a monster! I'm getting wicked bored! I'm gonna start acting out soon.
Boring, boring My monster's running late.
Stall! I got your back, P-Slimmy.
S'up, Norrisville! I am the ninja! I think I'm better than everyone else.
I do unnecessary flips.
I'm a huge show off.
His flips are totally unnecessary.
One time I saw him run on the ceiling for no reason.
I'm sure he had a reason.
Nobody runs on the ceiling for no reason.
I do more damage to this school than the monsters.
My car could tell you that.
I'm 800 years old, which was the last time this scarf was in style.
Hey! The scarf is a serious ninja tool! Plus it's cool! It's cool! Hey, everybody.
Smoke bomb! This guy's way funnier than the real ninja.
Left! No wait, right! Why did you give this thing bug eyes? Never gives me a problem.
There, got it! Onward! - You smashed a - I know! Ooh! Look at my ninja rings.
I'm the prettiest ninja in all of ninjaland! Clearly, the ninja upset you in some way, and I'm sure he's really sorry about it.
Oh, he's gonna be sorry! I'm just getting started.
Finally, our practice monster.
Kudos to Mr.
Smith's metal shop class.
OK, places everyone, and remember, - N.
Nobody panic! - Alright, alright.
I'm gonna have to get knocked around by this thing a few times before I learn how to beat it.
Huh? Whoa, wait a minute.
Mr.
Smith's class can't even build a birdhouse.
Outta my way, kid! McFist.
Looks like it's ninja time My suit's in the library! Get ready to taste ninja sword! Why's he waggling that salami at us? - Does the ninja look different to you? - All ninjas look the same to me.
Sector 2 is student-free, moving on to sector 3.
- Hey, that rhymes.
- Screech! Hiyah! Hiyah! Wah! Wah! Try to stay on your feet, Hensletter.
We've got a crowd to entertain here.
Ninja whap! That was humiliating.
I could come back early from my one lousy day off to help, but in return, I'd need, oh, say, an extra two weeks of vacation.
- Never! - Time for a smoke bomb.
Ew Fine! Whatever you want.
Two weeks.
Just get in here! Mm-hmm.
Wow! Nice move, you two.
Moving on to sector L.
Just take the gloves off, Bucky.
If I lose the character, I'll never get it back.
Hello ninja-o-clock! Ow.
And that's why we don't run in the halls.
Ooh.
Hey, band geeks, take it down a notch! This was the deli's last sword.
My car! - Missiles, really?! - That's a real monster! Real monster! Everybody panic! - You gotta let me go! - I don't gotta do anything.
I'm a certified band instructor, and you have no respect for the baton.
No respect for the rules.
No respect.
Respect is the key that opens all doors.
- What'd you say to me? - You're right.
I wasn't respecting the baton, or Howard, or the Nomicon, or anything! - It's all about respect.
- I finally got through to one.
I'm not the ninja! Not the ninja! Smoke bomb! - The real ninja! - You gotta save us! This drill stinks! Separate the clouds, gather the fallen wind Ha-ha! Looks like the ninja's makin' a Mr.
Grumpy.
Right? Am I right? Come on, you know I'm right! Tuning them out, focusing, freeing the chicken and ninja air fist! Sorry! I was aiming for the mantis.
Ninja stab! Ninja stab! Ninja stab! Ninja stab! Ninja dodge! Ninja dodge! Ninja dodge! Howard, sorry about earlier.
I shouldn't have said that stuff.
I don't think you being the ninja is ridiculous.
No, it is! It's completely ridiculous! I don't wanna be the ninja anymore.
You be the ninja.
And it was more about your tone You can take my swords, but you'll never take my air fist! - What are you lookin' at? - I'll be takin' those two weeks startin' now, if you don't mind.
Mmm-hmm.
Brrr.
Mmm, that's cold.
Ninja! Ninja! Ninja! Drill's over.
Back to class.
Howard, I want you to know I respect you, but I'm still gonna make fun of you.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
- Nice scarf.
- It came with the suit! - Grrr! We are the monster! - Huh? - Monster! - Air fist! - That smarts.
- Uh-oh.
Now what? - I'm thinkin' smoke bomb.
- You know what? I respect that.
Smoke bomb!