Reno 911! (2003) s01e07 Episode Script

My husband is an engineer.
We live by the Eiffel tower.
We live by the Eiffel tower.
We have two cats.
We have two cats.
Everybody loves ham.
Everybody loves ham.
Excuse me, where's the bathroom? I have a bad stomach.
This glass is dirty.
We have two cats.
Oh ho, oh, ho-ho! Aggghhhh! Here you go Lal-la, yeah Shots fired! Oh-ho-ho! Uh, sad news, as many of you probably know, deputy Trudy Wiegel tried to kill herself.
The night before last, she tried to do herself in.
No, no, she's fine.
They checked her out at the hospital, she's okay.
She's gonna be coming back to work.
Uh, but, per the sheriff's department, we're putting her on a 72-hour suicide watch, so we'll all be taking Not it! Nope, we're not doing "not it".
I already did a board, I did it by lottery.
How come I got three times I gotta watch her, and everybody else got two? You want another assignment? Is that it? Just say so.
Yes, thank you, I'd love another assignment.
Garcia, you're not good with Wiegel, either, so I'm putting you together.
Jimmy "the fist" Fitzsimmons might be in town.
His brother's getting married over at the desert high motor lodge, and we need somebody to go undercover to the wedding, see if he shows up.
Nab him, he's wanted on parole violations.
Me and Garcia? You don't wanna sit with Wiegel.
You'll shoot Wiegel within three minutes.
End of story, done, do it.
I wanna address something.
Why are we on this side of the table, and Mr.
arroz con pollo and Uh, these always get taken first.
It's because we're always on time.
We're here first.
Because of C.
P.
T.
What is C.
P.
T.
? This is a laugh fest today.
Laughable? No, no, no, no, no! Tell me what is C.
P.
T.
? Colored people's time, it's colored people's time.
Oh! I can't believe you've never heard of that.
It's, like, famous.
It's, like, famous? No, I've never heard of that.
What is colored people's time? What is colored people's time? What does that mean? Everybody says it all the time.
Who is everybody? I never said it! People say it.
He's trying to say in a nice way that you should be on time.
I am and it came out, "C.
P.
T.
" Just 'cause it's faster, I apologize.
It's my problem, it's my fault.
No, it's our fault for being colored people and off-time.
It's our fault, I apologize, everybody.
For being colored And a person and off-time.
I file in here somewhere.
Apology accepted, Jones.
Wiegel's suicide attempt, that did not surprise me.
Uh, and it did not surprise me that she failed at that attempt.
Mike check, Mike check.
Internet predator, Mike check.
Okay, we're all ready.
The minute he propositions me, you come out here, cover my back.
I can't do this on my own.
Are you You lollipop 13 ? Yeah You sugar daddy 69 ? I sure as heck am.
It's nice to meet you.
How'd you get that name? Oh, sugar daddy ? Yeah.
Well, you know, I'm sweet, and I've always wanted a little girl to call my own.
My ex-wife and I tried, but I'm impotent.
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, well, check this out.
Let me show you a little something.
Look at this.
Ooh, you're gonna show me something? I spilled my icee all over the front of them.
Uh-huh! Yeah, I was in the car and I swerved.
You want me to Oh, no, no, no! Don't touch it.
You don't wanna rub it in 'cause it stains.
So, I'm just gonna When I get home, I'm gonna soak it.
Mmm, I spilled water on my leg.
Oh! You know, I would love to put my lips on that.
Yeah? Put your lips on that? 'Cause I am so thirsty, I'm so thirsty.
You know what? On second thought, I'm not gonna, because I don't want you to catch this The chapped lip thing.
So are we gonna or what? Freeze! Go, go, go! I'm with my child, there! No, no, no, no! No, I am not going! Do not resist! Hey, hey, hey! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow! Stop kicking! Stop kicking! Ogghhh! All right That did it.
Aahhhh! Stop it! I don't feel I bear any responsibility for Wiegel's suicide attempt.
Uh If you wanna look at the flow chart of blame, let's check out her parents, first of all, who, more than likely, just abandoned her.
Then, again, who wouldn't? She's like a bad casserole, you know? That you just wanna forget about.
How about this gentleman over my shoulder, right here.
- How's everybody doing? - Wasn't the bride beautiful? That was a lovely, lovely wedding! That ain't him.
Uh-huh.
You know what? I'll just sit down, then.
Truth be told, Garcia, I hope he don't show up before they serve the food 'cause I'm starving.
Okay, well I hope he shows up before I die of boredom.
I find it hard to believe that you are the one person in the world that I don't have nothing in common with.
Well, it shouldn't be hard to believe because I'm smart and you're not.
You owe Raineesha an apology.
Well, you know, I can't stand people that talk about themselves in the third person.
You're right here.
Why would you call yourself Raineesha? To remind yourself you're alive or something? Because when I get up from this table and whoop your natural behind, right here, at this thing, you will know who did it.
There won't be no doubt in your mind.
You won't be able to say, "it looked like Raineesha," no, because it was sure enough Raineesha.
I just wanna take a fork and stick it in my neck in a second, here.
Well, here, honey, here's a clean one.
Oops.
No, don't put cake on me, I don't like that.
Now, let's bring this thing to the bar! Drinks are on the groom's family! Let's go! All righty, then, now, we gotta go to the bar.
Lord, I hate my life.
Hey, mom, how are you? I suppose you know Everybody at the station thinks I tried to kill myself.
I know I know! Yeah It was just a little misunderstanding, but, uh, what are you gonna do? Oops! They've never been nicer to me.
Hi, Trudy.
Oh! Oh, hi, Jim.
Hi How you holding up? Oh! You know, I'm okay, considering I just tried to commit suicide recently, but other than that.
I'm so here That's for you.
Thank you, I'll set it right over there.
I don't want it.
Knock, knock, knock! Someone came to see you! Surprise.
He doesn't bite, he's dead.
Okay, okay, okay Okay, let it all out, let it all Okay, okay, okay, okay corral.
Everything's okay at the okay corral.
You don't want me to touch you.
It's not that I don't want you to touch me.
You know what I should do? I don't even know what I was thinking.
I should go drown myself in a bath.
No, no, no, no, no No one's gonna go drown themselves because we're having such a good time as friends, and I appreciate you being alive so much.
You wanna spoon? Little spoons in the spoon drawer.
What does the first spoon say? The first spoon says, uh, "I'm glad you didn't kill yourself, second spoon.
" And, uh And second spoon says, "I'm a little teaspoon, don't mind me, I'll just be here spooning, waiting for the tea.
" That's a wonderful thing for the other spoon to say to the first spoon in our little spoon drawer.
Fun wedding, huh? Weddings are kinda nice.
I hate weddings.
You sit up there, look at these two people, who you know You can look at them and tell it ain't gonna work.
Yeah, there's that.
Sometimes love conquers all.
Mmm, and sometimes it don't.
I guess that's a weird thing, we're both not hooked up now, so, you were married, I was married and That's something in common.
Well, there you go, hot darn.
I'll tell you what, I don't think we're having much luck with our guy here.
We are looking a bit conspicuous just sitting here, so I look cute, you look conspicuous.
Well, maybe Well, thank you.
Maybe, it would be less so if we just stepped out on the dance floor, there.
Like this There you go, like that.
Okay.
All right.
I don't know, okay.
All right, I'm gonna get in there.
I think that she may have She may be divorced.
Wiegel? You think that someone married Wiegel at some point? I do, I do.
You think there was a guy out there desperate and crazy enough to buy a ticket for that boat ride? I think so.
Well, there's a lot of desperate, crazy people out there.
I think so, I mean, no matter how bad a carnival ride There's always some son of a bitch who wants to line it? You're absolutely right, absolutely right.
Hey, look at all those guys are puking on this ride.
Me, next! Well, I got a ticket, I'm gonna line up.
Yeah.
This wrapped up real tight? Go back from the very beginning and just tell us I wanna make sure.
You gotta wear your seat belt, you know.
I was at the bar, having my show drink.
We get one free drink for showing up for work.
Show drink? Yeah.
A showing up drink, okay I'm getting loose, and all of a sudden, I see this guy, and he's getting real close to the stage.
You're not supposed to get real close to the stage, and he was, you know, trying to get a peek at her.
Oh But we don't show And she was You know, she was dancing.
And he started to He started yelling, "show me the !" Which is a slang term for.
Right Which is also slang.
They use it on the streets.
And then all of a sudden, he opened his jacket, like Arnold Schwarzenegger or something like that, and he pulled out a gun.
So he shot your friend, it's look-see.
Yeah, that's look-see.
She has a lazy eye.
We never know where she looks and so So you call her "look-see".
Oh, look-see.
Hey, can I have a ride home, if you don't mind? I mean, if you're going my way.
I don't wanna I don't wanna put you guys out or anything.
Oh, no, uh Hey, fellas, you think you can give, uh, bucky here a ride, maybe? Not too far.
You're not in a rush, obviously.
She's already, uh Yeah, shot in the face.
Bucky, you've been a real big help.
Hey, come back, would you? Well, I hope we don't, but I'll show you the.
Yeah.
Trying to train him to find drugs.
Right now, he does not find drugs.
Right now, he'll find sloppy Joes, but no real practical purpose for that.
What I'm trying to do is I'm trying to train him to find drugs by I'm doing a mix.
Started with 80% Sloppy Joe and 20% marijuana, you gradually add marijuana to the mix.
Now, we're at about he'll find those, and, God damn, Sloppy Joes are real good.
Watch this.
Find the Sloppy Joe! Find the Sloppy Joe! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Good boy, no, no, no, don't eat it.
Don't eat it, no, no, no, no, no! Good boy! Good boy! - Man, this sh - This dog up, man.
He eats it and lays on the ground and humps the air, that's all he can do.
Good boy, good boy.
Look, Wiegel, I gotta tell you something.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I don't want you to ever I felt so bad when I heard what happened, and I know you and I, you know I'm kidding around with you.
You know I like to just kinda jerk your chain a little bit.
But when I make fun of you or tease you, I'm just kidding, that's just my way.
I only do that with people that I like.
Well, I don't want you to take it, personally, but I did try and kill myself because you make me feel bad.
Oh,.
Well, I may not be Nostradamus, but I bet my closet full of shoes that our buddy ain't gonna show up tonight.
That is the first thing you done got right all night, Garcia.
It's been a long night too, just sitting here, wasting time, and eating stupid cake.
Ooh, Garcia, Garcia! Why are you still complaining? You ain't complained all night! You ain't got free dinner, you ain't got a dance lesson, free drinks, mmmph! All right, amen.
Amen, you know what? You're right.
Thank you! You're right, okay? And when a woman's right, a woman's right.
Here, and I don't appreciate what I got sometimes.
Garcia, shut up and kiss me.
Reno, this is 17 Charlie 12, we're on Bernard way at the hobby store.
I've got a "B" and "E" in progress, and I need backup, right away.
I'll take the The three musketeers! Was that necessary? Do we really need a shotgun, right now? Where did you get that, Wiegel? It was in the backseat, and I just wanna hold it.
Just hold it, just be quiet, okay? Just be quiet.
Sheriff's department.
Oh my God, look at this place! Aahhh, look at this place! It's like a craft place! Wiegel, be quiet.
I am being quiet, I was just marveling at the beauty.
You're my best friend, you're my very best friend.
Thank you.
Okay, we'll make crafts later, if you help us catch the burglar.
Cloisonne For copper enameling! Wiegel! Jonesie! What? Decoupage glue! They have the glue and the sealer in the matte finish! Decoupage! Come here! Decoupage is something that you do when you trim around it and lay it on Are we in kindergarten? Okay, then, maybe, I'll just go blow my brains out on the front lawn.
No, no, no, no, no, you're not blowing your brains out, okay? Just calm down, read about it and Plastic pearls! What ?! Hey, I give up, I give up, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to break in.
Wiegel! Wiegel! I did it! I did something! Ahh, I shot him! Okay, okay, okay Enough.
I need an ambulence here at the hobby store here on Bernard way.
There's always rumors going around, and it's perfectly natural for people to hook up.
And I hear I'm not top dog, anymore, Garcia, which is fine.
I didn't know I had Fine with me.
I didn't know I had a list of dogs.
Four, three, two, one! I mean, who would have thought that a suicide attempt could actually turn out to be something great for everybody? I think it's best thing that's ever happened, the best thing.
Oh, me too, Trudy needs another beer! Oh! Oh !Oh! I got it! Watch out, that's a depressant.
Seriously, seriously, we love you, sweetheart, very much.
I love you guys.
And I just wanna tell you, straight up, it was a misunderstanding, and I didn't try to kill myself.
All right, all right, tall cold one for the tall, hot one.
What? What happened? You're mad! Maybe, I will Go try and kill myself now, then! You're all disappointed that I didn't try to kill myself! Wow! I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the ocean! You,! You! You, okay? You.
You! I'm going to the ocean! What did I miss? She can't find her way to the ocean.
She can't find her way to her car.
not what I'm looking for, what's a bone like a Boner? No.
No, a good cup.
Bone chef.
What's arroz con pollo ? Arroz con pollo is Chicken with rice.
Chicken with rice.
Why didn't you just say chicken and rice? Because that's not what it's called.
It wasn't invented in America, okay? It was invented by the Spanish.
Are you saying that hispanics developed chicken? No, sir, they put those two together.
Don't entertain him, don't entertain him.
And rice is Chinese.
Rice with chicken, shut with up! How about it?