Rings on Their Fingers (1978) s01e07 Episode Script

1 - Happy Christmas, Darling.
- Ooh! - Why the guilty look? Were you peeping? - What do you mean, guilty? Only cos I just caught you red-handed pulling back the sticky tape.
- Happy Christmas, darling.
- Mm! - Coffee? - Mm-hm.
- Oh, God, what a mess! - Well, at least we don't have to get it spick until tomorrow, eh? No, isn't that marvellous? Christmas lunch at your mother's.
I must say I quite warmed to the old dragon.
The old darling.
Just you make a New Year resolution to keep warm.
- She has asked your parents, too.
- I know, I know.
But we'll be doing lunch here tomorrow.
- Who will? - We will.
Well, I mean, you will.
- Hm.
- With a little help from your friend.
- Husband.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
Mm! - Our first Christmas together.
- Yeah, seems odd after six years, doesn't it? Right.
(Squelch) Right.
Oh, I hated the old Christmases.
- Did you? - Well, course I did.
- Having to split up on Christmas Eve.
- Yeah, that's right.
You to your parents, me to mine.
- Missed you such a lot on Christmas mornings.
- Bit chilly round the extremities, was it? I'm not talking physically.
Well, I am, and Christmas mornings were bloody freezing.
I just wanted it to be like today, with you wandering in saying "Happy Christmas, darling".
And you were trying to get your finger inside a present.
You were sad, too, at Christmas, when I'd ring you from my parents' before lunch and you said how much you were missing me.
Yes, I know, darling, I know.
In fact, whatever I get underneath that tree today, you'll still be the best present of all.
- Will I? - Mm, and you don't even come gift wrapped.
I must say, I've no complaints.
No complaints at all.
Well, I hope not.
I haven't seen my token present yet, have I? Token? Well, we agreed on that, didn't we? Token presents between you and me.
- Yes.
- To take the sweat out of shopping.
I wish we'd thought of it years ago.
You've really only just bought me a token present, have you? - What? - Just something small, that's all you've got me? - You haven't got me anything special? - No.
- You're sure? Because we did agree.
- Yeah.
Good.
Oh, shall we have them now or take everybody's down to your mother's? - Oh, take them down to Mum's.
- Right.
- Oh, this is the life, eh? - Mm.
Your poor mum slaving over a hot stove.
- Turkey spitting in her eye.
- It wouldn't dare! Oh, isn't it wonderful, Oliver? Do you know, this time last Tuesday, we hadn't even begun to think about Christmas.
We hadn't bought any of the food or the presents and now the worst is over.
And the best is yet to come.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- What do you mean, "Last Tuesday"? - What? - You said "This time last Tuesday".
- We'd hardly bought a thing.
- Today's Monday.
- Is it? - I can't keep track of the days this time of year.
- I hope you have with your mother.
- My mother? - If you thought Christmas Day was Tuesday, - isn't that what you might have said to her? - What? - "We'll come to you on the Tuesday.
" - No, of course not.
- The Tuesday being Boxing Day, in which case she would come to us on the Monday.
- Don't be silly.
- Christmas Day, which is today.
I wish you wouldn't say things like that, even in fun, Oliver.
- I was nice and relaxed.
- So was I, but you and your mother organised this whole Christmas and nervous tension's setting in.
Look, Oliver, please.
I said to my mother, "We will come to you for lunch on Christmas Day - and you come to us on Boxing Day".
- You're sure? - Of course I'm sure.
- Not "We'll come to you on the Tuesday?" - No, I did not.
- It's easy to ring and check.
- Oliver, I have just told you - All right.
- I'm absolutely positive.
- Right.
Good.
Fine.
We can relax again, then, can't we? Can't we? No, I'm sorry, darling, to cause a ripple on our peaceful pond.
But I just had this frightful mental picture of your parents and my parents arriving and our turkey sitting frozen solid in the fridge.
And people sniffing the air and saying, "Something smells good" and rumbling tummies all round.
And everybody having to make do with a slice of corned beef and a Turkish delight.
- What are you doing? - I'm just giving Mum a tiny tinkle.
You mean - You're not sure? - Course I'm sure.
- Just to put your mind at rest.
- My mind? - All right, mine, too! - (Ringing tone) Anyway, it's your fault for trotting out ghastly stories about people sniffing the air and sitting around chewing Turkish delight.
- (Ringing tone) - I'm absolutely sure that right at this moment, Mum is checking the turkey, Dad is finishing the vegetables.
(Ringing tone) I bet she's telling him to go easy on the drink pouring where you're concerned.
I've absolutely no doubt.
No doubt at all, that right at this moment, they're both arguing about who should answer, both saying they can't leave what they're doing They're both sitting in their car and heading in this direction.
- Must have dialled the wrong number.
- No, you just got the wrong date.
- I said "See you, Tuesday.
" - And today's Monday.
Well, I mean Monday.
Now, will you please let me dial the right number this time? Right.
Right.
Thank you.
- Haven't you anything else to do? - No.
- Why? - I haven't got a loaded revolver.
(Ringing tone) Where are they, Sandy? Why aren't they answering? It takes time to answer a phone, Oliver.
- And they're not as young as they were.
- A senile tortoise could have done it by now! Right! Ring yours.
What, to invite ourselves round for corned beef and Turkish delight? I made the arrangements, you have just said so.
Right, ring your parents and find out what arrangements I've made with them.
Go on, ring and find out.
And remember please, Oliver, precisely why all the arrangements were left to me.
Because you have been to an office Christmas party every lunch time since Guy Fawkes Day! Talk about a lost weekend, you've lost most of December.
(Ringing tone) You're a national hero, do you know that? Single-handed - single-handed - you have kept the distilleries and the aspirin factories in business.
There's no reply.
So what does that prove? - (Ringing tone) - No reply? What does it prove? Well, they don't live that far away from my parents.
But all four live a fair distance from here which means all four are at this very moment on eight wheels! We're in our dressing gowns, the turkey's in the fridge and it's lunch for six in an hour.
- What are we going to do? - Roast the Turkish delight? - We've got some pâté.
- Fine, if nobody asks for the parson's nose.
And lots of vegetables.
Six hours thawing, five hours cooking, it'll be ready for a midnight feast.
Put it in the sink and run some water on it.
Water? You couldn't dent this with a stick of dynamite.
Now, then, what else have we got? Table fireworks.
Perhaps if I light them all, they won't notice there's no meat under their sprouts.
Meatballs.
Pilchards.
- And soya meat curry.
- Serve them all together.
Then we won't need wine, we can just pour out Milk Of Magnesia.
- Oliver, for heaven's sake! - Don't waste your breath.
Come over here and breathe on the turkey.
To think that I was looking forward to our first Christmas together.
I'd give anything to be having a quiet lunch with Mum and Dad.
- Oh, would you, really? - Yes, I would! You're cock-a-hoop, aren't you? Absolutely cock-a-hoop, because I've made a mistake.
Prove to your mother and father what a little fool you've married.
A change from your mother thinking what a berk you married.
- Right now, Oliver, I'm inclined to agree.
- Oh, thank you very much! - Who made it open house on Christmas Day? - Oh, yes! I can just see that being trotted out down the years.
- Alternate that with your other catchphrase.
- Oh, what's that? - "Wasn't life good before we got married?" - (Phone rings) - Hello! - Sandra? - Mum! - Yes, dear.
- Where are you? - What? At home.
At home? And you're expecting us for lunch? - Yes, dear, but - Oh, thanks, Mum.
- What? - Hang on a minute, will you? She's at home and she's expecting us for lunch.
Darling, I am so sorry.
- Mm! Well, it's all right.
- I'll never yell at you again.
- Not till New Year, anyway.
- No.
- Sandra? Sandra! - Oh! Sorry, Mum.
I'll explain when I see you.
Well, I've got some explaining to do first.
The most dreadful thing has happened.
(Trumpeting) We're looking after next door's Great Dane for Christmas and during the night, he tore the turkey to pieces.
(Trumpeting) - What's the matter? - Kiss me again.
Your father and I have searched all over the place trying to get another but it's no good.
So I shall have to ask if we can come and have lunch with you.
Will that be all right? - Well, Mum, you see - All we've got is some tins of corned beef.
- We can't ask Oliver's parents to share that.
- Well, you see I've rung them, by the way.
They'd been to church.
They were so understanding.
So, we'll see you in an hour or so? - What? - Happy Christmas! (Dialling tone) Oliver do we know anybody with a blow lamp? Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Tis the season to be jolly Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Fill the mead cup, drain the barrel Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Sing the ancient Christmas carol Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Well, Christmas spirit's still abroad.
- Oliver? - Didn't meet Scrooge once.
- What have you got? - Some ham from Gerald and Sheila downstairs.
Couple of chicken legs from Marion.
Couple of wings from Tina.
So we've got the whole chicken except for its bosom.
- Oh, darling! - Some ravioli from Giles and Bryony.
A pile of steak and kidney from Victoria.
Beef burgers from Amanda and Nicky but they did say to sniff them first.
Oh, yes, and everyone gave me a drink.
Sorry.
I don't care, darling.
It's Christmas and we're going to have a marvellous day.
- Yes, I think we are.
- Marvellous.
Well, everyone ought to remember the lunch.
- Should we patent it? - And put turkey farmers out of business? - Darling! - Sorry, darling.
Christmas.
I'll hang it up.
- (Hissing) - Oh, good Lord! - How are the veg? - Under control.
Now, then, sprouts, peas, carrots, leeks.
Roast potatoes in the oven.
That's enough for me.
What's everyone else having? Happy Christmas, darling.
(Doorbell rings) - You go, I'll finish here.
- Right.
Coming! Coming! - Darling, we'd better keep lunch as a surprise.
- Right.
- And I'll pour them all Mickey Finns first.
- Oh! - Hey! - Hm? - (Door bell rings) - Coming! - Mum.
- Oliver! What a terrible thing to happen to you.
Don't worry, think what a nice Christmas present that dog had.
Come in.
- Happy Christmas, son.
- Happy Christmas, Dad.
- Let's have your coats.
- Hope you and Sandy were able to manage - at such short notice.
- Oh, don't worry, Mum.
Eat, drink and be merry, remember? - Darling, my parents are here.
- Coming! What will you have, Mum, sherry? Thank you, dear.
How could anybody leave an 18-pound bird in front of a Great Dane? Large sherry.
- Happy Christmas! - Ah! I was just saying - Here's your sherry, Mum.
- Good heavens, dear, what a large one.
You'll make me tipsy.
- Happy Christmas, Sandy.
- Happy Christmas, Dad.
- Come and sit down.
- Whisky, Dad? - Just a small one.
- A small one with plenty of water.
Right.
I'm afraid it's a bit pot luck today, with the turkey still frozen.
- Still frozen? - What? - Weren't you thawing it for tomorrow? - Tiny Scotch, Dad.
Thank you.
- Thawing it? - What'll you have, darling? - Vermouth, please.
- But you thaw a turkey at least 24 hours - (Doorbell rings) - Saved by the bell.
- At least 24 hours - Cheers, dear! That's a very large whisky.
Yes! Happy Christmas, Mrs Bennett.
As you know, Oliver, it's very far from that.
Oh, my darling, I am so sorry.
- And Mr Bennett.
- I'm sorry, Oliver.
Trying to find another turkey ran me right out of petrol.
We've all run out of petrol where a bird's concerned, haven't we? Oh! Mr Miller was kind enough to give us a lift.
Oh, thanks very much, Mr Miller.
- So, I'm sure you'll give Mr Miller a drink.
- If you're sure it's no trouble.
Just a small one, if you're driving.
Sherry, Mrs Bennett? Actually, Mr Miller was going to have a rather lonely Christmas, weren't you, Mr Miller? - I'm a bachelor.
- Oh, he's not so silly.
What? Well, now, this is my daughter Sandra.
How do you do? - Mrs Bennett? - My son-in-law Oliver.
- How do you do? - And Oliver's parents, Mr and Mrs Pryde.
- How do you do? - Mr Bennett? Whisky, please.
Oh, and we've brought all our vegetables, that was the least we could do.
- Oh, well, actually, we've got - Sprouts, peas, carrots, leeks.
They're all cooked, they just need heating up.
And these are the roast potatoes.
Roast potatoes? And how's the turkey coming on? We're not having turkey today.
It's still frozen.
- What will you drink, Mr Miller? - Could I have a gin, please? Right.
Sit down, Mrs Bennett.
We were coming here tomorrow.
Why wasn't the turkey thawing today? How's your sherry, Mum? I don't quite understand what you're getting at, Mrs Pryde.
Well, no wonder Oliver's looking a little peaky.
I'm afraid your daughter has rather a limited knowledge of domestic science.
- I beg your pardon? - Top her sherry up, quick! A large one Thank you, dear.
A large bird needs to be totally thawed before cooking or there's a serious danger of salmonella.
Do we have to discuss poultry disease before lunch? - Why don't we all open our presents? - Good idea.
- Could I have a gin, please? - Not another, you're driving.
- Let my mum have her present first.
- I was going to.
- Preferably from a great height.
- Right.
- Here's yours.
- Oh.
- Thank you very much, Mrs Pryde.
- I do hope it's what you wanted.
- Oliver dropped us a hint.
- Did he? - Oh, yes, I know what this is.
- Oh, do you? Oh, it's exactly what I wanted.
Ours has been spitting out square charcoal for ages.
Oh, thanks very much.
Then you won't think much of our present, Sandra.
Oh, don't be so silly, Mum, of course I will.
I just hope you haven't spent too much money, that's all.
Thank you.
Super wrapping, Mrs Bennett.
- Oliver told us - I told you all several things.
- Why did you both pick the toaster? - Great minds think alike.
- May I have a gin, please? - Well, it doesn't matter.
- We could do with two, couldn't we? - Don't be ridiculous.
- One of them will have to be exchanged.
- We gave ours first.
Father! I only hope, Sandra, that Oliver's own present to you is more thoughtfully organised.
We're only giving each other token presents.
- Token? - Yes, something small to save money.
- To save shopping.
- To save shopping.
I think you were right the first time, dear.
- Listen, are you criticising my son? - And who criticised my daughter? - Present for you, Mrs Bennett.
- Thank you.
No domestic science! I taught Sandra everything she knows about the kitchen.
- That might account for it.
- Present, Mrs Pryde.
Thank you, dear.
Everybody knows a turkey has to be thawed A man ought to know not to give his wife a token present at Christmas.
- How's everyone's drink? - A gin, please.
- Just a minute.
- And if we're going to get personal - No, we're not, Mum.
- Whose son took six years to make an honest woman of my daughter? - Now, listen to me, Mrs Bennett - (All join in) OLIVER: Who made it open house on Christmas Day? (Chorus of goodbyes) Bye-bye, Mrs Bennett.
Well done in the charades.
Loved your idea about Great Expectations.
Bye-bye! - Thanks for the present.
- It suits you.
- Bye-bye.
- Darling! - Mr Miller.
- Oh! Just a small one, please.
No, no, the party's over, old chap, come on.
Off you go.
They're all downstairs.
Thank you for having me.
You were the life and soul of the party.
- Bye! - Bye-bye.
I think you'd better drive, Mr Bennett.
Ohhh! It's over.
- I can't believe it.
- Nor can I.
I'm sorry about my mother, darling.
It's all right, I'm sorry about mine.
- She doesn't mean those things.
- No? - Yes she does.
- So does mine.
Well, they only want the best for us, don't they? Why can't they see we've got it? Well, little things like our token presents didn't help.
No, no, they were a bit horrified at that, weren't they? Packet of miniature cigars from you, jar of cheap bath salts from me.
Let's drink to our joint victory in the face of insuperable odds.
Mm.
You know, darling, in spite of everything, I think this has been one of my best Christmas Days ever.
Because we didn't buy each other proper presents? That might have had a little bit to do with it.
We'd never have got through it if we'd been all fraught like past Christmases.
Fraught? Yes, I used to go spare looking for your present.
I used to think, "What can I get for the girl who's got everything, including me?" I didn't get fraught buying your presents.
Oh, yes, you did, darling.
You practically flung the parcel at me and said, "I hope you like it, you didn't give me any idea what you wanted and I went frantic, traipsing round the shops.
" At least you didn't have to change it.
I nearly always had to change your present to me.
That's what I'm saying.
We're just rotten choosers, that's all.
- No, we're not! - We are, you just admitted it.
I used to give you your present and you'd say, "Did you keep the bill?" And I'd say, "What bill?" You'd say, "For my present.
" I'd say, "Why?" You'd say "Just in case I want to change it.
" And away we'd go, hammer and tongs.
- Sandy? - (Sobs) - What's the matter? - Nothing! Oh, don't be silly, darling.
What is it? Did I get you the wrong flavour bath salts? Well, what, then? I'm glad this has been your best Christmas ever, cos it's certainly been my worst.
What? Why? I didn't think you'd stick to it, that's why! Stick to what? Only buying token presents.
I didn't think you meant it.
- But we agreed.
- I know we agreed.
I just thought to myself, "Well, he doesn't really mean it.
" And then when you gave me the bath salts, I was waiting for you to burst out laughing and give me a great big parcel and say, "Surprise, surprise!" Oh, darling! I only agreed to the idea because I thought it was one of your peculiar jokes.
- You didn't get me anything, did you? - Of course I did! - Well, you shouldn't have.
- I know that now! I just didn't think you meant it.
I was certain you'd say, "Surprise, surprise!" Darling, I'm terribly sorry.
- Look, I'll get you something tomorrow.
- It's Boxing Day.
Well, the day after, hm? Something really special.
Hm? Darling? All right? Come on, come on.
Come and have your drink.
Come on.
Silly old thing.
Don't move.
Here we are.
Well, I don't deserve it, so I don't suppose you'll give it to me now, will you? - What? - My present.
- I gave it away.
- Who to? Mr Miller.
The man who drank all my gin? Well, everybody was giving each other presents and he didn't get anything.
Anyway, he did drive Mum and Dad over here.
I paid handsomely in gin for his chauffeuring! When I realised you meant it about the presents, I let him have yours.
Well, that's the Christmas spirit all right, isn't it? Giving my present to a complete stranger! I was disappointed that you hadn't said, "Surprise, surprise!" - All right, I hadn't said it! What was it? - What? The present of mine that you gave away so generously to a stray drunk.
What was it? - A wallet.
- A new wallet? In pigskin.
Don't.
Oh, darling, I'm sorry.
But I was so disappointed.
So am I, bitterly.
You've ruined my Christmas.
- A new wallet! - In pigskin.
Don't make it worse! I am sure it has made that little man's Christmas.
- Did it? - I'm sure it did.
Poor little man, nowhere to go.
- Poor little fellow.
- Mm.
It is the season of goodwill.
Yes, it is.
And to show that I am just as aware of it as you are Surprise, surprise! I hate you, Oliver.
What? - All this time you have been lying.
- Oh, not lying, darling.
You have made me give away a beautiful present to that awful little man.
You said it made his Christmas.
- Well, it's ruined mine, absolutely ruined it! - Just open it.
No, I don't want it.
- Darling.
- No.
- You really don't want it? - No.
- Right.
- Where are you going? - To give your present away.
- Who to? To the first poor little woman who passes.
- No, Oliver! - Well, you gave my wallet away.
- I'll buy another one.
- I'll buy another bag, then.
- A bag? - Yes, in real leather.
Oh, Oliver.
You want it now? Happy Christmas, darling.
- Now what's the matter? - I haven't given you anything! Oh, don't be silly, darling, that's my fault, isn't it? Serves me right for playing a game.
Now open it.
See if you like it.
Go on.
- Do you like it? - Yes.
- Honestly? - Yes.
- Cost the earth.
- Oh, thank you, darling.
Lovely.
Just what I wanted.
Yes, I know.
- Shoulder bag.
- Yes.
Lovely.
Did you keep the bill? What? - The bill.
- Why? - Nothing, darling.
- Why are you talking about the bill? Well, there is this other shoulder bag.
It's just the teeniest bit more expensive than this one but it does have a whole extra compartment.
Oh, Sandy! Oh, I'm not twisting your arm, darling.
This one's very nearly as nice.
I don't know how you can criticise when you didn't give me anything at all.
- And whose fault was that? - Not mine! I wouldn't hold a January sale of wallets in December! - Oliver! - (Phone rings) - Hello.
- (Beeping) - Oh, it's a call box.
- Sandra? - Mum? - Do you know, dear, we had such a lovely time that I entirely forgot to talk about tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Well, you've got the turkey, and all the vegetables.
I would ask Father to turn round and drive back, but I think we ought to get Mr Miller home.
After all, it is his car.
So I thought we'll come to you early and we'll do all the washing up, just as long as you remember to cook the turkey and heat up the vegetables.
- I'm sorry but, I mean, it is Christmas, isn't it? - Oh, yes, Mum, it's certainly Christmas.
I knew you'd agree.
We'll see you tomorrow, then.
- Thanks again for today.
Bye-bye! - Bye.
Oliver.
- Throw away the bill, darling.
- What? This bag is absolutely gorgeous.
You're such a clever chooser.
What did your mother say? Why don't we get back to our drinks, hm? What did she say, Sandy? My goodness me, yours certainly needs a top-up, doesn't it? Come on, sit down there next to me, darling.
That's right.
And then we can talk about what a super day we've had today and how silly we were to worry about it.
- And do you know the best thing of all? - No.
We don't have to wait a whole year to do it all again.