Rob (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Hey, don't forget, we got a lunch date today downtown, huh? No, we changed it to dinner 'cause I have a conference call.
Oh, right.
But then we switched it back to drinks 'cause I got a 7:00 meeting.
And then we cancelled it because I have a seminar.
Hey, but we can reschedule.
I am free 9:00 a.
m.
Thursday for 25 minutes.
Oh, perfect.
Look at us.
Is this what happens when the honeymoon period's over? We've only been married two months.
The honeymoon is not over.
God, we don't even go to the bathroom in front of each other yet.
Well, that's it.
No, we're cancelling everything this weekend.
Okay? We're turning off our phones.
We're drawing the shades, and we're gonna spend 48 hours together, just us, okay? Hmm, okay.
That sounds amazing.
Don't you dare get that.
It's yours.
I gotta take this.
I'm sorry, I gotta Oh, a mini-vacation at home, huh? I remember the last time we did that.
I had to buy the champagne with a fake I.
D.
Oh, sounds romantic, huh? Que romantico.
Okay.
That'll be enough of that.
Thank you very much.
You hear "romantico.
" I hear "el cheapo.
" Well, what's your idea of a romantic weekend? Couple of handies and an ice cream sandwich? Are you offering? Look, for your information, Papi, Rob's gone all out for this weekend.
That's right.
And I got it planned down to the minute.
Look at this.
I have a catered romantic dinner, a couples' massage.
- Oh.
- And lots of other surprises.
What is that between 3:05 and 3:10? - That is a scheduled bathroom break.
- Oh.
they roll over to the next one.
We never needed a bathroom break, hmm.
Ahh.
Yeah, well, at least I got your moron brother a job.
Oh, yes, you did, mi amor.
Yes, I did.
- You got Hector a job? - Yeah.
And it wasn't easy.
I got the guy that stocks the vending machines at the carwash to hire him.
I had to buy ten cases of expired cheese crackers but, you know At least we know what we're getting your sister for Christmas this year.
Congratulations, Uncle Hector.
You're a working man.
Yeah.
- Well, it's a good job.
- Yeah.
On the plus side, the hours are pretty reasonable.
On the downside, I got fired.
- So - You-you got fired? The caught me kicking a vending machine.
Why were you kicking a vending machine? I was trying to get out.
How did how did B-b-b-before you get upset, let me tell you the good news.
I did get my first two-week paycheck.
Well, good.
Well, then you could start paying rent.
Better I spent it on a moped.
A moped? Uhuh.
Moped.
There's nothing wrong with a moped, okay? I had one in college.
I rest my case.
See, that's your problem, Fernando.
You know, you're always busting everybody's balls.
Maybe if you weren't so critical of Hector, he wouldn't have gotten fired for Now, what happened? You got eaten by a vending machine? The screw went around, and my pretzels didn't fall off, and then one thing led to another and You see? Is that so hard to understand? The man wanted his pretzels.
Do you want to see my moped? No, we don't want to see your moped.
You know what? - Yes, I would love to see your moped.
- Okay.
You notice that? That was nice.
You know, people like that, encouragement.
You might want to try that one time, maybe even Are you okay, mi amor? Oh, you poor baby.
I can't believe it.
I get him a job, and he goes all Evel Knievel in my living room.
Truthfully, Hector, you know, you could have killed Abuelita.
You know, these are her last few months.
We don't want it to end violently.
You are a human pile of garbage, and I want you and this bike out of my house.
Oh, your house? Excuse me.
But this is my house, too, and that is my brother.
Well, I wouldn't go around bragging about it and everything.
Hey, hey, hey.
Please stop fighting.
I know when I'm not wanted.
My moped is broken, and so are my feelings.
And so is that lamp.
Hey what are you doing? This is our big weekend.
I thought we were turning off the phones.
Well, you saw my parents fight last night.
What if my mom calls? That's exactly why we're turning off our phones.
Come on.
This is our weekend, all right? Then we can go right back to the fun of spending every second dealing with your insane family.
Okay, you're right.
- You're right, this is our weekend - Yes.
We need this.
Mm-hmm.
Let's get back under the covers.
Breakfast in bed is being served any second now.
- Ooh! - Mm.
You know, he's five minutes late.
We're really going to have to wolf it down, otherwise there's no bathroom break until 3:00.
Fernando, what-what are you doing here? Rosa kicked me out.
Papi! I spent the night in the garage.
Then she found me hiding under the car, and she kicked me out of there, too.
You guys don't have any kind of a garden shed, or Rob.
My dad's staying right here until we straighten this out.
That's right.
No, you should stay here in L.
A.
In a motel, or someplace close by.
You know, um dot have to be L.
A.
Altadena has some nice places.
There's a bed and breakfast place in San Bernardino.
It's nice.
Family doesn't stay in hotels.
Yeah, you're supposed to respect family.
Now get my bag.
I don't know what's wrong with your mother.
Huh? Hector screws up, and she gets mad at me.
It's time for that guy to go out and stand on his own two feet, like I did when I came to this country with nothing.
Papi, you were one.
Yeah, but I had nothing.
You know where else is nice? San Diego.
Oh, you just take the 60 to the 5 South, and boom.
Next thing you know, Sea World.
Right there.
Mom's just worried about her little brother, out on the street.
Little brother? He's 43.
Hey, Eduardo took him in for a couple days.
In Hector time, that's good for at least a year.
You know where I'm thinking right now? New Zealand.
I'm too upset to even think right now.
Breakfast in bed, from Cafe Brez.
Breakfast in bed? Wait till I get tucked in! The bag, the bag! I spent $300 on a romantic gift basket out there, and your dad's already eaten everything in it except the bath beads.
Rob, maybe we should do this another weekend.
This isn't about the weekend anymore.
This is about protecting our lives.
Come on, it's bad enough they come over every time that they're happy.
Okay.
Don't worry.
I'm going to go over to my mom's house, and talk her down.
- This ought to be over by lunchtime.
- Okay, hurry! - Okay.
- Don't stop for the lights.
I'll pay for your tickets.
Go, go, go, go, go.
I'll drive on the sidewalk.
You enjoying those? You know which ones are really good ones? The ones with the mints inside.
Does sarcasm just not work with your family, or what? Those are supposed to be for me and Maggie! Just, uh, wipe off the caramel fingerprints, and it's like you bought them in the store.
So, uh I guess this note I found on your mirror about you loving my tushie wasn't meant for me? Give me that! Come on! Can't you go somewhere else and be disgusting? You've been here for like, two hours, there's ants everywhere.
Just go home already.
It's not gonna happen.
You know why? Because Rosa said I can't come back in the house until I apologize to Hector.
To Hector! Well, just do it and get it over with! It's physically impossible.
The human mouth did not evolve to say those words.
Your mouth had no problem devouring two pounds of chocolate.
Boy, those cheap chocolates made me sleepy.
I think I'm gonna go take a nap.
Um So I guess there's no way I could turn in this coupon for "erotic foot massage," huh? I've seen those toenails of yours.
No one's going anywhere near those.
Suit yourself.
Well, you know what? This is far from over.
Maggie and I are still gonna have what's left of a romantic weekend.
It's going to take a lot more than you to ruin it.
Best friend! One tiny favor.
Do you have jumper cables that would fit a moped? No! Okay.
Then can I live here? You know, this is just great.
No, thanks a lot, guys.
Yeah.
This was the perfect romantic weekend.
Thanks for ruining it.
I wouldn't say it's ruined.
This lamb is delish.
And the wine is not bad, either.
Oaky with a surprising bubblegum finish.
Oh.
Wait.
That was me.
Does it hurt your brain to be that stupid? His 15 minutes at the romantic table are over.
It's my turn.
There is nothing romantic about this table.
You know why? Because my wife isn't here.
Because she's at your house with your wife, because you're having an argument with her or him.
You lost me.
Let me clarify so everyone understands.
Get out of my house! Make dumb-dumb leave.
I was here first.
I have seniority.
Hey, Rob's my best friend, hmm? I'm always welcome here, right, Rob? Get out of my house! See? Can't you take a hint? He doesn't want you here.
Do you not get any of the irony of the things that come out of your mouth? Okay, that's it.
I've had enough of you! And the creme brulee.
I'm gonna go into the bedroom and watch some of the romantic movies Rob rented, hmm? Hey, 27 Dresses? That's a lot of dresses.
Can we at least talk about this? I know you don't give a crap about me, but what about your daughter, you know? Do you feel bad at all about ruining her weekend? Maybe just a little.
I thought it was the indigestion.
Look, Rob, it's not about the moped.
It's not about even just Hector.
It's my wife's whole insane family.
They're always in our business.
They always drop by uninvited.
You don't know what it's like.
I could guess.
Look, her family always looked down on me, because her family came from a big city, and we came from a little pueblo.
I mean, they look at me like I eat with my hands or something.
You do eat with your hands.
Oh, this? This is a lifestyle choice.
What are you doing? Oh, your bed was covered with rose petals.
I took care of it.
And every time we go to my sister Anita's house for Christmas, and somebody says, "Pass the ham"" Fernando always says, "Anita's right over there.
" "The only thing missing is the apple for her mouth.
" Every single time for 25 years.
Mom, I've been here since yesterday morning, and you haven't stopped complaining about Dad.
Don't you ever get tired? Not when I'm doing something I like.
Gracias, Abuelita.
De nada, mi amor.
Ah, gracias.
Gracias, Abuelita.
Do you see that? You see how nice I am to his family? Do I say anything when his mother leaves the dishes dirtier than when she started? No.
For God's sakes! Is she mad you threw Dad out? She knows where she gets her medical marijuana.
Come on, Mom! You know you're gonna forgive him eventually.
Can't you just skip to the end already? I don't know.
This feels more like a three-day thing, and I have a really good sense about stuff like that.
Please, for me.
Okay, I will talk to him, but I'm only doing this for you, so I'm not promising anything.
Okay? Thank you, Mami! You're gonna be happy you did this.
Okay.
Yes! There you are.
Oh, hey.
I came by to help.
Oh.
I snuck out when those guys were sleeping.
You know, Hector was on the couch, and I found myself standing over him with a pillow.
- Look, baby, I have great news! - No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, but your mom was right to kick that guy out.
- What? - Your dad is an unbelievable jerk.
He was just constantly complaining about Rosa's family.
- It's, like, I'm sorry, I don't care - Rob! If Rosa's brother's a drooler.
Who cares if his jaw's like a cash register? He's constantly, "Ugh, ka-ching.
Ugh, ka-ching"" You know, so what, her sister is like the size of an ocean liner? - Rob.
- I don't need to know that stuff.
- I don't care.
She's got a humpback.
- Rob.
They call her Quasiamole.
Stop! Who cares?! No, no, no.
Please, go ahead.
Tell me more about my drooling brother and humpback sister.
No, just Fernando was saying how much he loved them, and he just didn't, you know, feel like he spent enough time with them.
- Mm.
- It was really heartwarming.
Hey, what do you say we go over there and get a couple of big scoops of Fernando right now, huh? Mm.
Mm.
You do what you want.
I'm gonna go get my scissors and cut his underwear into thongs.
What the hell's going on here? You tell me.
You paid for it.
Rob, could you please ask that cranky old man to shut up? Seriously, there's got to be a way we can work this out.
You know, can't you guys maybe try to get along? And then Rosa will see that you're making an effort, - and then she'll forgive you.
- Nope.
Can't do it.
Oh, seriously, you guys should hear each other.
It's ridiculous.
That gives me an idea.
Fernando, you try being Hector.
Hector, you try being Fernando.
This way you get an idea of where each other's coming from.
You know, role reversal.
I'm not very good at impersonations.
You should see my Christopher Walken.
It's very weak.
All right, I'll do it.
I'll be Fernando, and I'll be Hector, okay? Hey, I'm grumpy.
I'm Fernando.
I walk in slow motion, and yes, my eyes are really open.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
Who are you? Fernando! Oh.
All right, I'll do Hector.
Hey, best friend.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, best friend.
Huh? Yes.
I make people feel uncomfortable.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Oh, Fernando he has you down.
He's doing you, baboso.
I'm doing both of you.
Hey, look, all right, I'll do Rob.
Hey, I'm Rob.
I'm short, I have tiny little baby arms and legs, and my head's too big for my body.
And, ooh, it's 3:05.
I got to pee, I got to pee, I got to pee, I got to That's a good one.
Look, look.
Hey, I'm Rob, and I won't loan my best friend money.
I look like the penguin of Happy Feet.
That's perfect.
Hey, I'm Hector.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
I need to get the hell out of Rob's house! Now I'm Christopher Walken, and I'm a movie actor, and you have short legs like a baby.
Not bad, not bad, not bad.
Come on, come on, take this more seriously, both of you.
All right, all right, Rob.
I'm sorry.
We will.
We'll take this seriously.
Now, come on.
Yeah, we will.
All right, go out and come in again, all right? We'll do this.
- Okay, no fooling around now.
- All right, no problem.
Come on, come on All right, let's do this.
All right, here we go.
Come on! Who is it? Stop fooling around! Open this door right Come back later! I'm in the shower! No hablo ingles.
Hey, he's running around the house.
Go, go lock the back door.
I'm on it! Okay.
Maggie! Hey, Rob, what are you doing here? Fernando locked me out of the house.
What? He locked you out?! I tried to sneak in through the back door, and I got tackled by the neighborhood patrol.
For an unpaid volunteer, that woman really knew her way around her Taser.
What did you do? Walk here? No, I took Hector's moped.
And then the brakes went out.
Luckily, I was able to stop myself by crashing into the side of a garbage truck.
So Fernando's still not taking this seriously, huh? And I'm fine, by the way, if anyone's curious about that.
Okay, that's it.
We're going over there right now.
Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
Get over there, let him have it! I want him to pay the price.
Let's go! Yes, enough is enough.
I am done with this.
He is in for it.
Excelente! Yes, right.
- Come on, Abuelita.
You're coming, too.
- Que? Let's see Fernando cry in front of his own mother.
This is gonna be great.
I love it.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, okay, okay.
Get out of there That is a great video! I want to see that old lady Tase Rob one more time.
Play it again.
There he is, Rosa.
Rip him a new one.
Hey, back for another zap, twitchy? Let him have it.
Come on.
Do that stuff we talked about on the way over here.
Get to it.
Come on.
Make him pay.
Were you talking to Hector? No, no, no! No, no, no! Oh, yes, you were.
No.
Uh-huh.
You two were being friendly with each other.
No.
Well, maybe just a little, you know.
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, though.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
That's all I needed to see.
Come home.
Thank God.
It's been hell here without you.
So, can I come? All right, what the hell? Come on.
Wait a minute! That's it?! What about ripping him a new one?! Where's the ripping?! Where's the new one?! What is this, one little kiss and then everything goes back to normal? Is that how it works? Pretty much, yeah.
Hi! Hi! - We're here for the salsa lessons.
- Ooh! Salsa! Me encanta la salsa! Push this crappy furniture back a little bit.
This is gonna be great! Wow, when you say you're going all out, you really mean it.
You even sprang for curly fries.
They were a dollar more.
And after all the money I spent on Hector and your father's romantic weekend, I had to think twice about it.
You know, I didn't need any of that stuff.
All I wanted was to spend some time alone with you.
Well, here we are all alone.
We still have a couple hours left on our weekend.
So, uh, any ideas? Mmm Do you know you're parked right next to a fire hydrant? I'm sorry, officer, uh We'll move it right away.
You've also got some expired tags.
Why don't you step out of the car, sir? Keep your hands where I can see 'em.