Royalties (2020) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Da-do-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
PIERCE: Two, three, and
BOTH: Why can't, oh, why can't you ♪
Why can't you be happy for me? ♪
Yeah, it's nice.
BOTH: Didn't want you around,
so aren't you glad I found ♪
Someone ten years younger than me? ♪
Yeah, she's so cute.
I'm happy to hear
about the life you've led ♪
Since, uh, the day I set you free ♪
So, baby, why can't ♪
Why can't you ♪
Why can't you be happy for me? ♪
- And in the meantime ♪
- Wait, stop.
- Won't you give me back the money ♪
- Stop. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
- That you ♪
- Pierce.
- What's up?
- Did you write this song
- from the dumper's point of view?
- Yeah, it's a breakup song.
That's not how a breakup song works.
No no one cares about
the guy who dumped Adele.
The song's never about the dumper.
All breakup songs are
essentially the same.
We've all felt that
rejection, that heartache.
We just need to take that raw emotion
and slap on a hook that's
so dumb that it's brilliant.
Okay, uh
I've got a confession to make.
All that stuff you said, I don't
I don't know what that is. I've
never been broken up with.
- You're kidding.
- Nope.
- You've never been broken up with?
- Never.
I'm just a tremendous boyfriend.
How are you supposed
to write about something
- you've never been through?
- I don't know.
Maybe-maybe you're better off
if you just write this on your own.
No. Pierce, we need each other.
We're a team.
With our powers combined, we
do the work of one songwriter.
- You just need inspiration.
- Yeah.
You just need to get dumped.
You want to know something interesting?
No one had to go to
space to write Star Wars.
This might sound crazy,
but just go with me.
For the next 12 hours, you
and I will date each other.
Then, when you've become completely
emotionally dependent on
me, I will break up with you.
You'd do that for me?
I mean, that sounds
like a great plan, guys.
Or one of you could play the piano,
and the other one could just
think of words that rhyme.
- [PHONE TIMER BEEPS]
- There.
It has begun.
Okay, okay, okay.
Great. So we're dating now?
Yeah.
Right on.
Let me just text my girlfriend
really quick, break up with her.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
All right, Pierce, we've been
going together for a while now.
Ten hours. We've FaceTimed
each other's parents.
We built a home together.
Are you in love with me yet?
[SPUTTERS]
No.
Well, what's your ETA on this?
The plan's only gonna work
if you actually get your heart broken.
So look into my eyes
and tell me what you like about me.
All right, but if we do
this, I-I got to warn you,
you could very well
fall in love with me.
Oh, yeah, right, 'cause you just have
this amazing boyfriend magic.
Um, it's not magic.
It is a very simple scientific fact.
Look, I happen to be hotter
than most guys on the planet.
So that means that if I
just say some regular shit
that any guy could say to you,
it's just gonna sound a
lot better coming from me.
And it's like my vocabulary
isn't even that good or big.
It's just that when I say things,
they sound I don't know
good big.
Like, I like how you talk to me.
Aw.
Sara, honestly, you're the thing
that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Seriously, though, if you didn't call
to wake me up every
morning, I don't think
I'd come into work ever.
- Whoo!
- [GIGGLES]
Well, that happened quickly.
Ha, yeah, sorry about that.
- I-I'll last longer next time.
- No.
I mean things escalated quickly.
The duration was fine.
The point is
that was really special.
Yeah. Yeah, it was.
- [SIGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
Man, it's funny, I've been with
a whole lot of chicks, man,
but I, I actually
- like you, Sara.
- I know.
I like you, too.
Pierce, I know this
night started one way,
but I feel like
Do you think we might have
stumbled onto something that's,
I don't know, perfect?
I mean, you don't have to say anything,
but I just want to put it out there
that no matter what happens, I love you.
And I think that I always have.
I-I-I am gonna be honest with you.
I have only ever felt
this close to one person.
And I fucking dumped her ass.
But I'm not gonna make
that same mistake again.
Sara, I love you, too.
Oh, my God, Pierce, I am so,
so
sorry.
'Cause I don't think
this is gonna work out.
What?
[PHONE TIMER CHIMING]
It's been 12 hours. Mm.
Breakup time, lover boy.
Uh quit joking around, Sara.
I'm actually not joking around.
I actually feel really
suffocated by you.
I just feel like, are we too similar?
Are we not similar enough?
Why are we fighting?!
I don't know. You started it.
Oh, there we go, blaming
each other again.
You know what, I think
it would just be best
if we just both took a break.
Wait, Sara. Sara!
Wake up. Wake up.
I'm not asleep. I put my head down
to try to force myself unconscious
so I wouldn't listen to
you guys having sex.
- It was very strange.
- [SOBBING LOUDLY]
You almost slept through
recording our song.
What are you talking about?
You guys have been dicking
around in there for hours.
Dicking around?
What does that sound like to you?
Sara sucks! Sara sucks!
I am the one who does the dumping!
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
Sara, I get that this
is a big assignment,
but don't you think this is
taking it a little too far?
I'm doing exactly what I need to.
[SHOUTING]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Hmm?
Oh. I'm sorry.
This is awkward. I didn't
know you'd be here.
I just came to get my things.
But you know what, I'll
just get them another time.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come back, come back.
I just want to know what went wrong.
I-Is it that our relationship
and our career
were in conflict? Because if
that's the case, that's fine.
We don't have to write
a song ever again.
No, Pierce, I've moved on.
You know how I think of you now?
As a friend.
I see what you're doing.
That's just what you say to
console people you dump
so they leave you alone.
- Well, is it consoling?
- It is not!
It's the worst thing you could
Aah, you wouldn't understand.
Oh, yeah, I don't understand.
Well, why don't you
sit down at the piano
and explain it to me?
No.
Come on, Pierce, tell me.
What did I do to you?
What did I do to our relationship?
Well, you, you
Lied to my face ♪
You sucker punched me below the belt ♪
Yeah, but you're not gonna
wallow in self-pity, are you?
Uh, no way, man. I'm-I'm
coming back strong, man.
You left me here with a ♪
A hole in my chest ♪
But I-I'm better than
the best of the best ♪
Yeah, you are, 'cause
you're a warrior, a gladiator.
- I'm Rocky ♪
- Oh, yes.
You're a flying squirrel.
You're flying through the air,
- and Bullwinkle just dumped you.
- Not that Rocky!
Which one? Which Rocky?
I'm a prizefighter. ♪
Oh, my God, Pierce. That's it.
That's the hook that's so
dumb that it's brilliant.
It's a boxing breakup song.
[SPANISH GUITAR RIFF PLAYING]
I'm chillin' on my
couch, watchin' TNT ♪
Rocky marathon,
and I'm on part three ♪
And every time he got
his heart stepped on ♪
He took it in his
stride and he kept on ♪
I'm thinkin', oh, my God,
Rocky's just like me ♪
'Cause you lied to my
face, put me to the test ♪
You left me here with
a hole in my chest ♪
But I'm better than the
best of the best now ♪
Oh, whoa-oh-oh ♪
Hands up in the air
with my gloves on ♪
My left hook is knockin'
out your love song ♪
You thought that I would retire ♪
Comin' back strong,
I'm a prizefighter ♪
Sucker punch had me lookin' foolish ♪
Below the belt, raging bullshit ♪
Takin' home my title ♪
Throw you out the
ring, I'm a prizefighter ♪
Oh, oh, oh ♪
I love this song.
I hate this song.
Pierce got his ass dumped, yeah. ♪