Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e07 Episode Script
Freezed
1 "Good day and salutations," is what a total dork would say.
YouTube Red-ers, whassup?! No, not whassup.
My stretching coach told me no one says that anymore.
Any-hizzle, I'm here on the legendary Sunset Boulevard.
I'm doing a little something called grounding.
Supposedly you're supposed to have bare feet on grass, but my version is I put my Kobes on the sidewalk.
It's very holistic, and What the fuck is that? Please tell me that's not a cat.
Please tell me that YouTube Red did not give a feline a billboard! I'm sorry, it's just cats don't need billboards, okay? These videos sell themselves.
Grumpy Cat is more famous than all the Kardashians combined, and he never needed a publicist.
You know why? Because he's a cat.
He's probably not even in SAG.
Also, this Kedi crap isn't even a TV show.
It's a documentary, which is just facts that you watch.
Snore.
It's just unfair, okay? If you have your own TV show, albeit on a subscription-based website that was formerly free, but you don't have a billboard, how is anyone gonna post about it? God, I just You know, I really want to hate that cat, but he's just so adorable.
Well, you know what? Enjoy your moment, Kedi, 'cause in this business, well, it can turn on you in a second.
Before you know it, you'll be out on the streets, cold and alone, probably freezing to death.
So you don't have a billboard.
Who cares? Oh, Mathers, you know zilch about the ways of Hollywoodland.
You are nothing in this town until you have a billboard on Sunset.
I don't have a billboard.
Exactly.
And billboards don't just celebrate every TV show and movie released.
They also celebrate all the most important things in L.
A.
Deejay residencies in Vegas, weed dispensaries, free AIDS testings.
Without a billboard, I might as well be one of them.
The victims? Of homicide? Can you please have a little respect for the dead? You're right.
You're right.
And you know what I say.
When you're right, you're right.
Got to focus up.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
What are you doing now? Warming up my instrument.
Please, I beg of you, shut the fuck up you sentient Ken doll.
Okay, but only because you called me a Ken doll.
That guy's got some pretty solid locks, so that is a compliment.
All right, we've got seven gunshot vics, all females in their 20s, all dressed like princesses.
And look, this is weird, but the coroner said they've all had some sort of plastic surgery.
Uh, that's not weird.
This is L.
A.
, baby.
My dentist does botox.
You got to visit him after hours and the code word is "I have a cavity," but Wait, what do you do when you actually have a cavity? I don't know, it's inside your mouth.
No one can see it.
Who cares? My point is plastic surgery in L.
A.
, file that under not weird.
Pretending to go through files.
Working that object work, yo.
Took a UCB improv class a couple years ago.
Studied under a great guy.
Um, Jacob or Justin.
God, I can't remember his name.
White guy, beard, wore khakis and a stained Old Navy T-shirt? Yes! Exactly! Wait, did you do improv? Why didn't you tell me? I didn't do improv.
You just introduced me to a bunch of your improv teachers and they all looked like that.
Can I get a suggestion from someone? Mathers and I are going to do a scene.
- No, we're not.
- Potato.
I heard potato.
Wow.
There are so many potatoes on the moon.
We are not improving, okay? Stop.
I'm a police officer, and you're whatever the fuck you are.
Okay, I know you're not supposed to give your scene partner notes, but have you ever heard of "yes, and"? No, all right? And I have no idea why they're all dressed like princesses.
Like this one here, she's supposed to be Elsa from [BLEEP.]
You can't say [BLEEP.]
Sure, yeah, we are in a freezer, but this is not a princess from [BLEEP.]
This is Hans Christian Andersen's Snow Queen.
In fact, all of our victims are public domain princesses.
Public domain.
You're telling me I can't say [BLEEP.]
- Right.
- Who the fuck is doing all that bleeping? - Hmm.
- Whoa, whoa, you're telling me I can say fuck but I can't say [BLEEP.]
Okay, how about I just say the word, right? Like, um, I like ice cream more than I like [BLEEP.]
yogurt.
Geez.
[BLEEP.]
is Disney IP, okay? It's like that scene in "Untouchables" when I've never seen that movie.
What, seriously? Anyway, all you need to know is De Niro takes a bat to someone's head.
That is Disney's lawyers.
Fine, whatever.
Look, now this came straight from the captain.
This case needs to take our highest priority.
Apparently the mayor's daughter is a big fan of public domain princesses.
Ma'am, personal effects we took off the vics.
What 20-something buys a notebook? Someone who wants to write things down.
Oh, really? Uh, note to self, never buy a notebook.
And that's how we do it in the 20th Century.
It's the 21st Century.
Same diff.
Give me your phone.
Mes Jolies Filles.
What's your fantasy.
Hello, this is Detective Mathers from the Los Angeles Police Department.
She hung up.
I think I know that voice.
Really? Yeah.
So nice to see you, Ryan.
You, too.
And, um, it's really nice to meet you, Detective Mathers.
We are all so appreciative of the work you do for our city.
She's a charmer.
So, let me guess what this is about.
You want me to guest star in some web series or something? Well, now that you mention it, yeah.
- But no, um - We're here on official police business.
- Yeah.
- Both of you? Yeah, him, too.
Ryan Hansen.
You're one of the celebrity liaisons to the LAPD? Look at you! I guess they were pretty impressed with my reel.
They must be fans of unaired pilots.
I'm just teasing, 'cause we're friends.
To be honest, he's been an invaluable resource.
He led us to you.
And it doesn't matter that he doesn't have a gun, or badge, or any authority whatsoever.
That's really cool.
Thank you, Mathers.
So do you want to tell me why you're here then? I can't imagine why the police would want to talk to me.
We're investigating a homicide.
A septuple homicide.
That means seven dead bodies.
I didn't know you knew that word.
There's a lot about me you don't know.
You looked it up, didn't you? My daughter told me.
The youngest one.
Oh, my God.
My girls.
Wait, your girls? They worked for me at Mes Jolies Filles.
Why would someone do such a thing? Oh, shit, this is just like "L.
A.
Confidential.
" Is that another movie? Well, it's the exact plot.
"What's your fantasy?" Kristen Bell's running a brothel.
Men pay her so that they can have sex with princesses.
Are you kidding me? That's disgusting.
No! I I have two daughters, Ryan.
I would never do that.
Literally never.
I booked these girls for birthday parties.
Mes Jolies Filles offers an intimate and peanut-free princess experience for the children of the elite and wealthy.
The victims were my princesses.
They were beloved by little girls and a very specific type of older gay man.
Can you tell us why they all had plastic surgery? Well, it's necessary to complete the fantasy.
The way they draw these princesses, it the proportions are all wrong.
There's no room for internal organs, so at Mes Jolies Filles, we do our best to approximate the animated version.
Okay, also totally "L.
A.
Confidential.
" That dude from "Sneakers," right, he made those women look like movie stars, and men would pay tons of money to have sex with them.
That's what she's doing, but without the sex.
She's giving women plastic surgery to look more like princesses.
Public domain princesses.
Honestly, if you got a boob job, you'd make a great Tiana.
Wait, um From the [BLEEP.]
and the [BLEEP.]
Oh, sorry.
You'd make a great diversity-friendly princess from the animated movie based on the Brothers Grimm fairytale, "The Frog Prince.
" God, she's good! Wow.
Okay, great.
Do you know why anyone would want the princesses dead? No.
I mean, they were all really sweet and hard working, kind.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, guys.
I I have to go.
I'm doing a party later myself.
Wait, you work parties yourself? If they're elite enough or wealthy enough.
That is so cool! Little girls get the original Anna at their parties.
Oh, Kristen was the voice of one of the princesses in the movie based on Hans Christian Andersen's "Snow Queen.
" - Thank you for your time.
- Yeah.
If you think of anything, you just give us a call.
- I will.
- She's got my number.
You do, right? You said you, um You found seven dead bodies, right? Yes, seven.
I employed eight princesses.
Ivy was my Merida from [BLEEP.]
The red-headed princess who shot the bow and arrow and modeled a more contemporary form of femininity for young girls.
Maybe you want to talk to her.
You bet we will.
Where can we find Ivy? Well, Merida never got many bookings, so Ivy had to take a second job.
Maybe try her there.
Okay.
Thanks, K.
B.
Bye, Ryan.
Can't believe Ivy works at Jumbo's.
She must have a lot of courage.
You know, 'cause she was in [BLEEP.]
That's Kristen Bell's princess? Yeah, I guess so.
This place is dope, right? It's like sisters are doing it for themselves.
They strip because they want to.
- No, they don't.
- Yeah, they do.
Jumbo's This is a post-modern strip club.
They even bring guys on stage.
These gals are turning the male gaze upon itself.
Boom feminism.
Yeah, 'cause it's totally feminist to support the patriarchal idea that women should only be judged by their sexual attractiveness.
All right, well, don't get mad at me.
Get mad at the Lenny Letter I probably misquoted.
Geez.
All right.
Let's go interview the suspect.
All right, let's do it.
Hey, no, I can't.
- All right.
- No.
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! Can you hear me? Hey.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Focus! Mathers, get up here! - No! - Hey, who wants to see this police officer dance, huh? Yeah, I do.
Hey, you touch me again and I will shoot you in the head and finger fuck the hole! I I'm just on vacation from Cincinnati.
Please don't shoot.
Cincinnati? That's gross.
Hey, you! Ivy! Ah! Okay, bye.
Out of the car with your hands up! Out of the car with your Oh, good, you got this one.
Good job.
Maybe she didn't hear you.
Oh, I just saved your life.
Boom hero instinct.
Oh, shit! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Guess you heard me after all, Ivy.
More like poison Ivy.
- Seriously? - What? No.
You know what? You're right, that didn't work.
Let's, uh We'll blow the scene at Mathers' "Guess you heard me" line.
That'll be great.
Thank you, guys.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Guess you heard me after all.
Wait a second, I know this looks bad, but I can explain.
It's a lot to explain, Ivy.
You're the least requested princess.
My guess is you'd rather be working elite parties than taking off your clothes to titillate men from Cincinnati.
Hey, I like stripping.
Ha! See? It's got more dignity than working with kids, I'll tell you that.
I didn't kill those other princesses.
Wait a second, we didn't tell you what crime we were investigating.
Boom! Guilty! Solved a crime before the mid point.
Playing with the procedural form.
Boo-boo! How did you know about the murders? The child party entertainment community's small.
- Word gets around.
- Then why were you running? I was afraid, okay? I was supposed to be with the other girls that night.
I should be dead.
I thought you two were hit men sent to finish the job.
Hit men are cool, strong silent types, right? Rock on.
Hit men? For who? - For Kristen Bell.
- Oh, you mean K.
B.
? It's her nickname.
We're pretty tight, so You're friends with that monster? Monster? Ivy, what are you talking about? - I think Kristen killed the other princesses.
- Why? Well, for one, working for Kristen was a fucking nightmare.
Burn.
Nothing was ever good enough for her.
One of the girls, her tiara was missing a crystal.
Just a single crystal, and when Kristen saw it, she freaked.
So when us girls finally had enough, we tried to quit.
She did not take it well.
This may be a really bad time to ask, but did Kristen ever talk about me? Specifically my acting talents at all? - Just, like - You do not have to answer that.
No, I I wasn't going to.
That was a really stupid question.
Well, Miss Valente at Farnham Elementary once told me that there were no stupid questions, so there.
- That's settled.
- Why would Kristen care if you quit? You have no idea how much Mes Jolies Filles brought in.
One princess at a party $15,000.
And Kristen took 80% of that.
Jumbo's didn't even take that much.
Did she need the money that bad? Isn't she a successful actress? Yeah, but I mean, the business is changing so much with shorter season orders, new streaming outlets, plus, you know, Dax's movie "Chips" under performed.
I love that movie.
You know I'm in that movie.
No, no, I don't I don't remember that.
I I remember the good parts.
Uh, like, um "I like you.
You remind me of my husband.
" Or, "Let's get out of this parking lot! You have a visible erection!" Or hey, hey, "Chip happens.
" Right? So clever! Oh, gosh, I was, um I was a cop when I saw it, but if I wasn't, it totally would've made me want to be a cop.
It was about the bond that forms between two people when you put your lives on the line.
It was a morality tale about the choice cops have to make between their jobs and their personal lives.
- It's about - You got all of that from "Chips" and you don't remember me? Have you seen it? Oh, my gosh, if not, you have got to rent it on Blockbuster when it comes out.
Yeah, for sure.
No, it sounds amazing.
Um, can I go? Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
You're free to go.
Wait, Ivy.
You're sure Kristen did it? She literally yelled, "If you quit, I'll kill you.
" Wish we knew that earlier.
Chip happens? I just can't get my head around this.
I mean, if Kristen Bell was the killer, why did she seem so genuinely upset about the victims? It's called acting.
Guess what, she's not really a bad mom.
That is acting, too.
Damn it! We got to arrest Kristen Bell.
Wasn't she doing a kid's party tomorrow? And she said she only performs for the ultra elite.
Like the mayor.
So what's the move? Well, it's a kid's party.
We can't really go in guns blazing.
We got to go undercover.
As what? I hate this.
God, this dress is so itchy.
Come on, it's perfect.
You're a princess loosely based on "The Frog Prince.
" Not really Tiana, but kind of Tiana.
Why can't I be Cinderella or someone I kind of know? Well, there just aren't that many options for African-American princesses, which is something I am not okay with.
#Resistance.
Can't tell you how many Change.
org petitions I've signed about this kind of thing.
Fine, just tell me more about this Tiana.
I looked up your backstory, and she wants to own a restaurant, so she's having to save money and working two jobs.
Well, of course the black princess got to work two jobs.
So fun.
Hi! It's my birthday.
It's a [BLEEP.]
party.
I love [BLEEP.]
Are you here for my birthday, Princess Tiana? Oh, uh, huh? Don't blow our cover.
Of course she is.
Hey, why don't you sing that song your famous for? - What? - Come on.
Sing away.
Uh Singin' singin' this song Singin' a Singin' a princess song about crystals And all the things in the world Yes Wow, that that was amazing, princess.
Whoa! Girls, hey, why don't you go ahead and get back to your party, huh? And I'll take this princess to get ready with the other princess.
Do you know where we can find her? In the guest suite.
She has a big pile of powdered sugar, but she's not sharing.
Aw! Come on, girls.
Hey, you really don't remember me in "Chips"? - Sorry.
- I'm in my underwear for, like, an entire scene.
I remember when the main guy was in his underwear, okay? He was so handsome.
Joe Biden chin, surfer hair.
Well, I'm the guy that main handsome guy's talking to.
I just don't remember you.
I'm sorry.
Hey, real talk, am I really that easy to ignore? I'm going in.
Hands in the air, Kristen Bell! Wait, why are you dressed as Elsa? Aren't you Anna in [BLEEP.]
Yeah, I know I'm Anna in [BLEEP.]
Ryan.
But no one wants to pay to see me play Anna, okay? They're always like, "Can you do Elsa? Can you sing the song?" Of course I can sing the song.
I have the voice of a goddamn angel.
What are you two talking about? And by the way, it is Anna's movie, okay? It's entirely her POV.
She's got more scenes, more songs.
Uh, she's got the sidekick, the romance.
She's the one who saves her sister.
She's the one who punches out the villain, and then yet Elsa gets one insufferably catchy tune, which by the way, sounds a lot like "I Am What I Am" from "La Cage Aux Folles," and all of a sudden every little girl in the world is like, "Oh, I want to be Elsa.
" Well, Elsa's, like, way hotter.
Let's be honest.
No, she's not! She just dresses like a slut, and she's not even a princess.
She's a queen.
You're under arrest.
For what? For murder.
You murdered those poor seven princesses.
- What? - Come on, we're taking you downtown.
Hold on, you set me up 'cause I wouldn't be in your little web series? Uh, hate to break it to you, but you are in my web series.
You're nothing.
You don't even have a billboard on Sunset, band they give those to cats now.
Oh! Don't do it.
You're not gonna shoot Kristen Bell.
Goddamn it, she's right.
She was in "Chips.
" Hey! No! What, you recognize her but not me? That is insane.
Hi.
Okay, there is an important scene missing here.
It's the epic fight between Kristen Bell and Mathers.
Two women dressed like princesses duking it out at a kid's birthday party.
You are welcome.
We haven't shot it yet, but I promise we totally will once Kristen's schedule frees up.
She could only give us one day because she is shooting "The Good Place," "Bad Moms 2," and all those commercials with Dax.
A real audience will never see this.
This is just for test audiences.
Hi, test audiences.
Everyone else will see the action scene we shoot when Kristen comes back to my web series, But back to the actual fight, Bell versus Mathers.
They're fighting on the roof, and um, wait a second, guys.
Do we have to describe the whole scene? I mean, it's Kristen Bell in a fight and she gets arrested.
Can't we just put up a banner that says "scene mis " Didn't know you knew Krav Maga.
It'll serve you well in Litchfield.
Hey, we're still friends, right? Yeah, water under the bridge.
Wait! So you're not actually Elsa? You know what, sweetie? Elsa can suck my dick.
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.
Mom! That is a lot of dress.
- You're buzzing, tadpole.
- Yeah.
Ugh, voicemail.
Why don't you play it? Well, I just find the whole concept of voicemail so desperate.
It's like, "I get it.
You really, really want to talk to me.
Right? Well, act like you've been there and send a text.
Or even better, call and don't leave a message.
Let me find you in my missed calls like a normal person.
Quit acting so thirsty.
Play it or not, I truly do not care.
Hello, Ryan.
Do you know who this is? I'm the one responsible.
You've arrested the wrong person.
Poor Kristen Bell, falsely imprisoned.
You see, I'm the one who took the lives of those seven public domain princesses.
And I will kill again.
For you, Ryan.
It's all for you.
Fuck me.
Let's go.
And so, Captain, you understand with the laws of procedurals being what they are, of course we thought that the killer was Kristen Bell.
I've already filed the release paperwork.
We will rectify the situation and we will catch the real killer.
Of course.
Of course.
Congratulations on figuring out the case, and nice outfits.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Of course.
- Right on.
See, this is exactly why we need more women in positions of power.
They don't fly to rages all the time.
You are seriously the best Captain Jackson - we have ever had.
- Miss Jackson if you're nasty.
Hey.
Captain, I thought you'd be pissed.
Me? Pissed? Oh, no.
I'm not pissed.
You know who is pissed? - The mayor.
- Well - No! - I me explain.
I I said no, white boy.
What the hell were you thinking? I know this Crest White Strip is dumb as a bag of rocks, but you giving him a run for his money.
You two may end up at the top of the podium for the Bonehead Olympics! - Captain - You better shut your mouth.
If you say another word.
I can't believe you two are trying to interrupt a strong, proud black woman! I will murder you both dead.
And I bet you die real easy.
Detective Mathers, do you realize that you falsely arrested Kristen Bell dressed as Elsa in front of the mayor's daughter on her 8th birthday? What are you gonna do on her 9th? Shoot Doc McStuffins? I'm gonna need your badge and your gun.
You are suspended.
- Well, I never had a gun - Not you, fool! - Her! - What? Well, this isn't fair.
No shit! If life were fair, I'd be the chief of police and you'd be doing summer stock in Omaha! It is not fair, and it's also not my choice, because if it was my choice, this Corey Haim look-alike would be back at the Oakwoods.
This order came from the mayor.
Now, badge and gun! Gently.
And Mathers.
I know.
"Get the hell out of my office.
" Mathers.
- Poor Mathers.
- I know.
She's pretty broken up about it.
I drew her a picture to make her feel better.
Oh, buddy, that's so sweet.
I drew her a picture, too.
She's a princess.
Wow, you know, it's the thought that counts.
Oh! Okay, places, everyone.
Let's go.
Come on.
Go, go, go.
Come on.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
One, two Come in! Oh.
It's just you.
Yes.
It's just me, Jon Cryer, one of the biggest TV stars in the world working for scale.
Sorry.
We were just expecting Detective Mathers.
Yeah, aren't you early? I thought your cue wasn't for another two pages.
Oh, it's not.
I couldn't wait for my cue.
I'm in too good a mood.
I heard the news.
I am so sorry.
What happened? Oh, Mathers got suspended.
Mm.
Tough break.
Hey, you feeling any better? Not really.
I just don't know who I am if I'm not a cop.
That wasn't a joke.
Guys, seriously, she's not joking.
Mathers, it's only a suspension, okay? You'll get through this.
You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling sad? Junk food.
Oh, thank you.
Get your own.
These are mine.
So, Ryan, I couldn't help overhearing you in the waiting room.
You used to work with Ellen DeGeneres? I was I was Ellen DeGeneres' stand-in right when I got here.
I think it was maybe the blonde hair and we had similar vibe.
We like to dance.
So I stood there for her.
I never, um, actually met Ellen, but she I heard she was great.
And, um, because, you know, I would stand there and get get the shot or whatever, and then they'd bring her in, but they'd usher me out kind of like like that.
And, so what? They didn't I'm confused.
So you never actually met her? I never actually met her, but one day I will and I'll be like, "I was your stand-in," you know? That'll be That'll be It'll be kind of a cool day for me.
Probably for her, too.
Probably be cool for her to meet me, too.
But, um, do we I mean, do we really need to re-cast Mathers? - She's just suspended.
- We have to go though the process.
Okay, next, please.
- Hey, I'm Ryan.
- Erica.
Who are you reading for? I'm reading with you.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Oh, my agent told me they had someone for that.
I'm reading for Mathers.
I know.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Method.
Wow! Like Joel McHale.
Haven't seen that approach in a while.
Respect.
No, no, I'm I'm actually Ryan Hansen.
- Way to commit, bro.
- Okay, can we get started, please, Ryan? Just one second.
Shut the fuck up, you talking catalogue model.
Whoa, dude, I'm I'm really Ryan Hansen.
That's not the line.
You're supposed to say, "All I hear is model.
" God, this is insane! I'm I'm I'm Ryan Hansen! I'm right here! God! No! I really don't feel comfortable working with someone like that.
YouTube Red-ers, whassup?! No, not whassup.
My stretching coach told me no one says that anymore.
Any-hizzle, I'm here on the legendary Sunset Boulevard.
I'm doing a little something called grounding.
Supposedly you're supposed to have bare feet on grass, but my version is I put my Kobes on the sidewalk.
It's very holistic, and What the fuck is that? Please tell me that's not a cat.
Please tell me that YouTube Red did not give a feline a billboard! I'm sorry, it's just cats don't need billboards, okay? These videos sell themselves.
Grumpy Cat is more famous than all the Kardashians combined, and he never needed a publicist.
You know why? Because he's a cat.
He's probably not even in SAG.
Also, this Kedi crap isn't even a TV show.
It's a documentary, which is just facts that you watch.
Snore.
It's just unfair, okay? If you have your own TV show, albeit on a subscription-based website that was formerly free, but you don't have a billboard, how is anyone gonna post about it? God, I just You know, I really want to hate that cat, but he's just so adorable.
Well, you know what? Enjoy your moment, Kedi, 'cause in this business, well, it can turn on you in a second.
Before you know it, you'll be out on the streets, cold and alone, probably freezing to death.
So you don't have a billboard.
Who cares? Oh, Mathers, you know zilch about the ways of Hollywoodland.
You are nothing in this town until you have a billboard on Sunset.
I don't have a billboard.
Exactly.
And billboards don't just celebrate every TV show and movie released.
They also celebrate all the most important things in L.
A.
Deejay residencies in Vegas, weed dispensaries, free AIDS testings.
Without a billboard, I might as well be one of them.
The victims? Of homicide? Can you please have a little respect for the dead? You're right.
You're right.
And you know what I say.
When you're right, you're right.
Got to focus up.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
What are you doing now? Warming up my instrument.
Please, I beg of you, shut the fuck up you sentient Ken doll.
Okay, but only because you called me a Ken doll.
That guy's got some pretty solid locks, so that is a compliment.
All right, we've got seven gunshot vics, all females in their 20s, all dressed like princesses.
And look, this is weird, but the coroner said they've all had some sort of plastic surgery.
Uh, that's not weird.
This is L.
A.
, baby.
My dentist does botox.
You got to visit him after hours and the code word is "I have a cavity," but Wait, what do you do when you actually have a cavity? I don't know, it's inside your mouth.
No one can see it.
Who cares? My point is plastic surgery in L.
A.
, file that under not weird.
Pretending to go through files.
Working that object work, yo.
Took a UCB improv class a couple years ago.
Studied under a great guy.
Um, Jacob or Justin.
God, I can't remember his name.
White guy, beard, wore khakis and a stained Old Navy T-shirt? Yes! Exactly! Wait, did you do improv? Why didn't you tell me? I didn't do improv.
You just introduced me to a bunch of your improv teachers and they all looked like that.
Can I get a suggestion from someone? Mathers and I are going to do a scene.
- No, we're not.
- Potato.
I heard potato.
Wow.
There are so many potatoes on the moon.
We are not improving, okay? Stop.
I'm a police officer, and you're whatever the fuck you are.
Okay, I know you're not supposed to give your scene partner notes, but have you ever heard of "yes, and"? No, all right? And I have no idea why they're all dressed like princesses.
Like this one here, she's supposed to be Elsa from [BLEEP.]
You can't say [BLEEP.]
Sure, yeah, we are in a freezer, but this is not a princess from [BLEEP.]
This is Hans Christian Andersen's Snow Queen.
In fact, all of our victims are public domain princesses.
Public domain.
You're telling me I can't say [BLEEP.]
- Right.
- Who the fuck is doing all that bleeping? - Hmm.
- Whoa, whoa, you're telling me I can say fuck but I can't say [BLEEP.]
Okay, how about I just say the word, right? Like, um, I like ice cream more than I like [BLEEP.]
yogurt.
Geez.
[BLEEP.]
is Disney IP, okay? It's like that scene in "Untouchables" when I've never seen that movie.
What, seriously? Anyway, all you need to know is De Niro takes a bat to someone's head.
That is Disney's lawyers.
Fine, whatever.
Look, now this came straight from the captain.
This case needs to take our highest priority.
Apparently the mayor's daughter is a big fan of public domain princesses.
Ma'am, personal effects we took off the vics.
What 20-something buys a notebook? Someone who wants to write things down.
Oh, really? Uh, note to self, never buy a notebook.
And that's how we do it in the 20th Century.
It's the 21st Century.
Same diff.
Give me your phone.
Mes Jolies Filles.
What's your fantasy.
Hello, this is Detective Mathers from the Los Angeles Police Department.
She hung up.
I think I know that voice.
Really? Yeah.
So nice to see you, Ryan.
You, too.
And, um, it's really nice to meet you, Detective Mathers.
We are all so appreciative of the work you do for our city.
She's a charmer.
So, let me guess what this is about.
You want me to guest star in some web series or something? Well, now that you mention it, yeah.
- But no, um - We're here on official police business.
- Yeah.
- Both of you? Yeah, him, too.
Ryan Hansen.
You're one of the celebrity liaisons to the LAPD? Look at you! I guess they were pretty impressed with my reel.
They must be fans of unaired pilots.
I'm just teasing, 'cause we're friends.
To be honest, he's been an invaluable resource.
He led us to you.
And it doesn't matter that he doesn't have a gun, or badge, or any authority whatsoever.
That's really cool.
Thank you, Mathers.
So do you want to tell me why you're here then? I can't imagine why the police would want to talk to me.
We're investigating a homicide.
A septuple homicide.
That means seven dead bodies.
I didn't know you knew that word.
There's a lot about me you don't know.
You looked it up, didn't you? My daughter told me.
The youngest one.
Oh, my God.
My girls.
Wait, your girls? They worked for me at Mes Jolies Filles.
Why would someone do such a thing? Oh, shit, this is just like "L.
A.
Confidential.
" Is that another movie? Well, it's the exact plot.
"What's your fantasy?" Kristen Bell's running a brothel.
Men pay her so that they can have sex with princesses.
Are you kidding me? That's disgusting.
No! I I have two daughters, Ryan.
I would never do that.
Literally never.
I booked these girls for birthday parties.
Mes Jolies Filles offers an intimate and peanut-free princess experience for the children of the elite and wealthy.
The victims were my princesses.
They were beloved by little girls and a very specific type of older gay man.
Can you tell us why they all had plastic surgery? Well, it's necessary to complete the fantasy.
The way they draw these princesses, it the proportions are all wrong.
There's no room for internal organs, so at Mes Jolies Filles, we do our best to approximate the animated version.
Okay, also totally "L.
A.
Confidential.
" That dude from "Sneakers," right, he made those women look like movie stars, and men would pay tons of money to have sex with them.
That's what she's doing, but without the sex.
She's giving women plastic surgery to look more like princesses.
Public domain princesses.
Honestly, if you got a boob job, you'd make a great Tiana.
Wait, um From the [BLEEP.]
and the [BLEEP.]
Oh, sorry.
You'd make a great diversity-friendly princess from the animated movie based on the Brothers Grimm fairytale, "The Frog Prince.
" God, she's good! Wow.
Okay, great.
Do you know why anyone would want the princesses dead? No.
I mean, they were all really sweet and hard working, kind.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, guys.
I I have to go.
I'm doing a party later myself.
Wait, you work parties yourself? If they're elite enough or wealthy enough.
That is so cool! Little girls get the original Anna at their parties.
Oh, Kristen was the voice of one of the princesses in the movie based on Hans Christian Andersen's "Snow Queen.
" - Thank you for your time.
- Yeah.
If you think of anything, you just give us a call.
- I will.
- She's got my number.
You do, right? You said you, um You found seven dead bodies, right? Yes, seven.
I employed eight princesses.
Ivy was my Merida from [BLEEP.]
The red-headed princess who shot the bow and arrow and modeled a more contemporary form of femininity for young girls.
Maybe you want to talk to her.
You bet we will.
Where can we find Ivy? Well, Merida never got many bookings, so Ivy had to take a second job.
Maybe try her there.
Okay.
Thanks, K.
B.
Bye, Ryan.
Can't believe Ivy works at Jumbo's.
She must have a lot of courage.
You know, 'cause she was in [BLEEP.]
That's Kristen Bell's princess? Yeah, I guess so.
This place is dope, right? It's like sisters are doing it for themselves.
They strip because they want to.
- No, they don't.
- Yeah, they do.
Jumbo's This is a post-modern strip club.
They even bring guys on stage.
These gals are turning the male gaze upon itself.
Boom feminism.
Yeah, 'cause it's totally feminist to support the patriarchal idea that women should only be judged by their sexual attractiveness.
All right, well, don't get mad at me.
Get mad at the Lenny Letter I probably misquoted.
Geez.
All right.
Let's go interview the suspect.
All right, let's do it.
Hey, no, I can't.
- All right.
- No.
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! Can you hear me? Hey.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Focus! Mathers, get up here! - No! - Hey, who wants to see this police officer dance, huh? Yeah, I do.
Hey, you touch me again and I will shoot you in the head and finger fuck the hole! I I'm just on vacation from Cincinnati.
Please don't shoot.
Cincinnati? That's gross.
Hey, you! Ivy! Ah! Okay, bye.
Out of the car with your hands up! Out of the car with your Oh, good, you got this one.
Good job.
Maybe she didn't hear you.
Oh, I just saved your life.
Boom hero instinct.
Oh, shit! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Guess you heard me after all, Ivy.
More like poison Ivy.
- Seriously? - What? No.
You know what? You're right, that didn't work.
Let's, uh We'll blow the scene at Mathers' "Guess you heard me" line.
That'll be great.
Thank you, guys.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Guess you heard me after all.
Wait a second, I know this looks bad, but I can explain.
It's a lot to explain, Ivy.
You're the least requested princess.
My guess is you'd rather be working elite parties than taking off your clothes to titillate men from Cincinnati.
Hey, I like stripping.
Ha! See? It's got more dignity than working with kids, I'll tell you that.
I didn't kill those other princesses.
Wait a second, we didn't tell you what crime we were investigating.
Boom! Guilty! Solved a crime before the mid point.
Playing with the procedural form.
Boo-boo! How did you know about the murders? The child party entertainment community's small.
- Word gets around.
- Then why were you running? I was afraid, okay? I was supposed to be with the other girls that night.
I should be dead.
I thought you two were hit men sent to finish the job.
Hit men are cool, strong silent types, right? Rock on.
Hit men? For who? - For Kristen Bell.
- Oh, you mean K.
B.
? It's her nickname.
We're pretty tight, so You're friends with that monster? Monster? Ivy, what are you talking about? - I think Kristen killed the other princesses.
- Why? Well, for one, working for Kristen was a fucking nightmare.
Burn.
Nothing was ever good enough for her.
One of the girls, her tiara was missing a crystal.
Just a single crystal, and when Kristen saw it, she freaked.
So when us girls finally had enough, we tried to quit.
She did not take it well.
This may be a really bad time to ask, but did Kristen ever talk about me? Specifically my acting talents at all? - Just, like - You do not have to answer that.
No, I I wasn't going to.
That was a really stupid question.
Well, Miss Valente at Farnham Elementary once told me that there were no stupid questions, so there.
- That's settled.
- Why would Kristen care if you quit? You have no idea how much Mes Jolies Filles brought in.
One princess at a party $15,000.
And Kristen took 80% of that.
Jumbo's didn't even take that much.
Did she need the money that bad? Isn't she a successful actress? Yeah, but I mean, the business is changing so much with shorter season orders, new streaming outlets, plus, you know, Dax's movie "Chips" under performed.
I love that movie.
You know I'm in that movie.
No, no, I don't I don't remember that.
I I remember the good parts.
Uh, like, um "I like you.
You remind me of my husband.
" Or, "Let's get out of this parking lot! You have a visible erection!" Or hey, hey, "Chip happens.
" Right? So clever! Oh, gosh, I was, um I was a cop when I saw it, but if I wasn't, it totally would've made me want to be a cop.
It was about the bond that forms between two people when you put your lives on the line.
It was a morality tale about the choice cops have to make between their jobs and their personal lives.
- It's about - You got all of that from "Chips" and you don't remember me? Have you seen it? Oh, my gosh, if not, you have got to rent it on Blockbuster when it comes out.
Yeah, for sure.
No, it sounds amazing.
Um, can I go? Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
You're free to go.
Wait, Ivy.
You're sure Kristen did it? She literally yelled, "If you quit, I'll kill you.
" Wish we knew that earlier.
Chip happens? I just can't get my head around this.
I mean, if Kristen Bell was the killer, why did she seem so genuinely upset about the victims? It's called acting.
Guess what, she's not really a bad mom.
That is acting, too.
Damn it! We got to arrest Kristen Bell.
Wasn't she doing a kid's party tomorrow? And she said she only performs for the ultra elite.
Like the mayor.
So what's the move? Well, it's a kid's party.
We can't really go in guns blazing.
We got to go undercover.
As what? I hate this.
God, this dress is so itchy.
Come on, it's perfect.
You're a princess loosely based on "The Frog Prince.
" Not really Tiana, but kind of Tiana.
Why can't I be Cinderella or someone I kind of know? Well, there just aren't that many options for African-American princesses, which is something I am not okay with.
#Resistance.
Can't tell you how many Change.
org petitions I've signed about this kind of thing.
Fine, just tell me more about this Tiana.
I looked up your backstory, and she wants to own a restaurant, so she's having to save money and working two jobs.
Well, of course the black princess got to work two jobs.
So fun.
Hi! It's my birthday.
It's a [BLEEP.]
party.
I love [BLEEP.]
Are you here for my birthday, Princess Tiana? Oh, uh, huh? Don't blow our cover.
Of course she is.
Hey, why don't you sing that song your famous for? - What? - Come on.
Sing away.
Uh Singin' singin' this song Singin' a Singin' a princess song about crystals And all the things in the world Yes Wow, that that was amazing, princess.
Whoa! Girls, hey, why don't you go ahead and get back to your party, huh? And I'll take this princess to get ready with the other princess.
Do you know where we can find her? In the guest suite.
She has a big pile of powdered sugar, but she's not sharing.
Aw! Come on, girls.
Hey, you really don't remember me in "Chips"? - Sorry.
- I'm in my underwear for, like, an entire scene.
I remember when the main guy was in his underwear, okay? He was so handsome.
Joe Biden chin, surfer hair.
Well, I'm the guy that main handsome guy's talking to.
I just don't remember you.
I'm sorry.
Hey, real talk, am I really that easy to ignore? I'm going in.
Hands in the air, Kristen Bell! Wait, why are you dressed as Elsa? Aren't you Anna in [BLEEP.]
Yeah, I know I'm Anna in [BLEEP.]
Ryan.
But no one wants to pay to see me play Anna, okay? They're always like, "Can you do Elsa? Can you sing the song?" Of course I can sing the song.
I have the voice of a goddamn angel.
What are you two talking about? And by the way, it is Anna's movie, okay? It's entirely her POV.
She's got more scenes, more songs.
Uh, she's got the sidekick, the romance.
She's the one who saves her sister.
She's the one who punches out the villain, and then yet Elsa gets one insufferably catchy tune, which by the way, sounds a lot like "I Am What I Am" from "La Cage Aux Folles," and all of a sudden every little girl in the world is like, "Oh, I want to be Elsa.
" Well, Elsa's, like, way hotter.
Let's be honest.
No, she's not! She just dresses like a slut, and she's not even a princess.
She's a queen.
You're under arrest.
For what? For murder.
You murdered those poor seven princesses.
- What? - Come on, we're taking you downtown.
Hold on, you set me up 'cause I wouldn't be in your little web series? Uh, hate to break it to you, but you are in my web series.
You're nothing.
You don't even have a billboard on Sunset, band they give those to cats now.
Oh! Don't do it.
You're not gonna shoot Kristen Bell.
Goddamn it, she's right.
She was in "Chips.
" Hey! No! What, you recognize her but not me? That is insane.
Hi.
Okay, there is an important scene missing here.
It's the epic fight between Kristen Bell and Mathers.
Two women dressed like princesses duking it out at a kid's birthday party.
You are welcome.
We haven't shot it yet, but I promise we totally will once Kristen's schedule frees up.
She could only give us one day because she is shooting "The Good Place," "Bad Moms 2," and all those commercials with Dax.
A real audience will never see this.
This is just for test audiences.
Hi, test audiences.
Everyone else will see the action scene we shoot when Kristen comes back to my web series, But back to the actual fight, Bell versus Mathers.
They're fighting on the roof, and um, wait a second, guys.
Do we have to describe the whole scene? I mean, it's Kristen Bell in a fight and she gets arrested.
Can't we just put up a banner that says "scene mis " Didn't know you knew Krav Maga.
It'll serve you well in Litchfield.
Hey, we're still friends, right? Yeah, water under the bridge.
Wait! So you're not actually Elsa? You know what, sweetie? Elsa can suck my dick.
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.
Mom! That is a lot of dress.
- You're buzzing, tadpole.
- Yeah.
Ugh, voicemail.
Why don't you play it? Well, I just find the whole concept of voicemail so desperate.
It's like, "I get it.
You really, really want to talk to me.
Right? Well, act like you've been there and send a text.
Or even better, call and don't leave a message.
Let me find you in my missed calls like a normal person.
Quit acting so thirsty.
Play it or not, I truly do not care.
Hello, Ryan.
Do you know who this is? I'm the one responsible.
You've arrested the wrong person.
Poor Kristen Bell, falsely imprisoned.
You see, I'm the one who took the lives of those seven public domain princesses.
And I will kill again.
For you, Ryan.
It's all for you.
Fuck me.
Let's go.
And so, Captain, you understand with the laws of procedurals being what they are, of course we thought that the killer was Kristen Bell.
I've already filed the release paperwork.
We will rectify the situation and we will catch the real killer.
Of course.
Of course.
Congratulations on figuring out the case, and nice outfits.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Of course.
- Right on.
See, this is exactly why we need more women in positions of power.
They don't fly to rages all the time.
You are seriously the best Captain Jackson - we have ever had.
- Miss Jackson if you're nasty.
Hey.
Captain, I thought you'd be pissed.
Me? Pissed? Oh, no.
I'm not pissed.
You know who is pissed? - The mayor.
- Well - No! - I me explain.
I I said no, white boy.
What the hell were you thinking? I know this Crest White Strip is dumb as a bag of rocks, but you giving him a run for his money.
You two may end up at the top of the podium for the Bonehead Olympics! - Captain - You better shut your mouth.
If you say another word.
I can't believe you two are trying to interrupt a strong, proud black woman! I will murder you both dead.
And I bet you die real easy.
Detective Mathers, do you realize that you falsely arrested Kristen Bell dressed as Elsa in front of the mayor's daughter on her 8th birthday? What are you gonna do on her 9th? Shoot Doc McStuffins? I'm gonna need your badge and your gun.
You are suspended.
- Well, I never had a gun - Not you, fool! - Her! - What? Well, this isn't fair.
No shit! If life were fair, I'd be the chief of police and you'd be doing summer stock in Omaha! It is not fair, and it's also not my choice, because if it was my choice, this Corey Haim look-alike would be back at the Oakwoods.
This order came from the mayor.
Now, badge and gun! Gently.
And Mathers.
I know.
"Get the hell out of my office.
" Mathers.
- Poor Mathers.
- I know.
She's pretty broken up about it.
I drew her a picture to make her feel better.
Oh, buddy, that's so sweet.
I drew her a picture, too.
She's a princess.
Wow, you know, it's the thought that counts.
Oh! Okay, places, everyone.
Let's go.
Come on.
Go, go, go.
Come on.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
One, two Come in! Oh.
It's just you.
Yes.
It's just me, Jon Cryer, one of the biggest TV stars in the world working for scale.
Sorry.
We were just expecting Detective Mathers.
Yeah, aren't you early? I thought your cue wasn't for another two pages.
Oh, it's not.
I couldn't wait for my cue.
I'm in too good a mood.
I heard the news.
I am so sorry.
What happened? Oh, Mathers got suspended.
Mm.
Tough break.
Hey, you feeling any better? Not really.
I just don't know who I am if I'm not a cop.
That wasn't a joke.
Guys, seriously, she's not joking.
Mathers, it's only a suspension, okay? You'll get through this.
You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling sad? Junk food.
Oh, thank you.
Get your own.
These are mine.
So, Ryan, I couldn't help overhearing you in the waiting room.
You used to work with Ellen DeGeneres? I was I was Ellen DeGeneres' stand-in right when I got here.
I think it was maybe the blonde hair and we had similar vibe.
We like to dance.
So I stood there for her.
I never, um, actually met Ellen, but she I heard she was great.
And, um, because, you know, I would stand there and get get the shot or whatever, and then they'd bring her in, but they'd usher me out kind of like like that.
And, so what? They didn't I'm confused.
So you never actually met her? I never actually met her, but one day I will and I'll be like, "I was your stand-in," you know? That'll be That'll be It'll be kind of a cool day for me.
Probably for her, too.
Probably be cool for her to meet me, too.
But, um, do we I mean, do we really need to re-cast Mathers? - She's just suspended.
- We have to go though the process.
Okay, next, please.
- Hey, I'm Ryan.
- Erica.
Who are you reading for? I'm reading with you.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Oh, my agent told me they had someone for that.
I'm reading for Mathers.
I know.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Method.
Wow! Like Joel McHale.
Haven't seen that approach in a while.
Respect.
No, no, I'm I'm actually Ryan Hansen.
- Way to commit, bro.
- Okay, can we get started, please, Ryan? Just one second.
Shut the fuck up, you talking catalogue model.
Whoa, dude, I'm I'm really Ryan Hansen.
That's not the line.
You're supposed to say, "All I hear is model.
" God, this is insane! I'm I'm I'm Ryan Hansen! I'm right here! God! No! I really don't feel comfortable working with someone like that.