Saint George (2014) s01e07 Episode Script
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Today we'll continue talking about the rise and fall of the Roman empire with Nero, who was emperor from 54 to 68 A.
D.
And we need to know this why? Because those who do not know history are condemned to repeat it, which means I'll be seeing your asses again next year.
Nero's rule is often associated with tyranny and extravagance.
[ominous ringtone.]
[sighs.]
Oh.
That that's my mother's ringtone.
Um, I'm sorry, everybody.
I-I gotta I gotta take this.
[chuckles.]
Mom, I'm in the middle of my class.
Well, tell Gloria that she can't.
Why? Because we're not zoned for slaughtering sheep! Which bathtub? In my master? Hello? Hello? Son of a bitch! Was one of Nero's favorite expressions.
He is known for executing a lot of people, including his own mother, who people describe as a ruthless, violent, dominating woman.
Who knew that Nero's last name was Lopez? Nero Lopez.
1x07 - "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" 'Sup, fool? [both speaking Spanish.]
Oh, yeah, my Georgie he created that La Energia.
It's the fifth biggest energy drink in the world.
I think it tastes like pee, but the people, they like it.
What are you doing here, fat-ass? Telenovelas? - Ah, come on.
- Shh.
Juan Rico's about to pollinate Rosa's flower.
[both grunt.]
[George.]
Aw, hell no.
Like they need any more reasons to deport us.
You know, you could've opened a cheaper bottle of wine.
- Hello, can I get you some? - Go away.
Listen, can't I just come home, turn on my TV, and watch the Lakers? You wanna see negros running around, chasing each other, go to the liquor store and throw a dollar in the parking lot.
Mom, those are world-class athletes.
Who talks like that, anyway? Pretty much our whole church group.
Go upstairs, and watch the TV in your bedroom.
Upstairs? Hey, why should I be inconvenienced? [all gasp.]
You want inconvenience? Try squeezing that mardi gras float you call a head through a hole the size of a quarter.
Listen, when are you gonna let that go? When I heal, gordo, I'll let it go.
Well, you and the walking dead are gonna have to go someplace else.
Oh, really? Is that so? Yes, that is so.
You know why? - 'Cause this is my house.
- Oh, so now it's your house.
What do you mean now? It's always been my house.
I got my name on the mailbox, on the deed.
I got the keys.
What do you have, besides the female Los Lobos? The remote.
[man on TV speaking Spanish.]
- Alma.
- Wait a minute.
What are you doing here? Where is she, George? Where's Alma? Wouldn't it be great if we never found that out? Hey, what if she went missing? I'ma put a yellow ribbon on the tree till she gets back.
Wait a minute.
Where's Harper? Oh, he's not coming over here because he's scared of your mother.
What? I'm scared of her too, I'm here.
She's out of control, George.
- She hit our son.
- What? I didn't hit him.
I cuffed him.
Well, that's not how Harper sketched it in art therapy.
You ever touch my son again, I swear to god, I'll What? Sketch me? Okay, wait a minute, you two.
Nobody is sketching anybody.
What what happened? I asked him to set the table.
He didn't do it, so I reminded him, that's all.
Mom, you can't you can't do that.
Fix it, George.
Harper is not setting foot in this house until I have your word that Alma - will not lay a hand on him - Okay.
- God.
- Or a foot or a stick.
I know how your little sick brain works, Alma.
You are lucky I don't have you charged with assault.
[door slams.]
[scoffs.]
"Assault.
" Only white women are getting arrested in America for beating their kids.
- Amateurs.
- Mackenzie's right.
I'm not gonna let you treat Harper the way that you treated me.
What are you talking about? What am I talking about? You were abusive.
You found any reason to hit me.
"Mom, I want ice cream.
" "You want ice cream? Come over here.
" Bam! "You want ice cream, fat-ass? Because I got 31 flavors right here.
" Yes, I hit you, but always with an open hand.
- That's love.
- Okay, well, whatever you call it, - I don't want you hitting my son.
- Your son? Doubtful.
Oh, my you know what, Mom? This is my house, okay? And if you don't like it here, you can leave.
Oh, you don't think I will? I'ma let you in on a little secret, all right? I never wanted you here in the first place.
- Really? - Yes, really.
Well, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
The only reason I'm here is because you couldn't live without me.
[chuckles.]
Oh, okay.
Let's see how that works out.
Are you really kicking me out? I'm really kicking you out.
You're not kicking me out.
I'm leaving.
Either way, it feels good.
I'll go pack my bags.
- And here we are, 2G.
- And then he said it was his house.
Ungrateful pendejo, estupido.
2G, 'cause that's how all the ladies leave too grateful.
[laughs.]
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Ay, que feo.
Alma, what an unexpected pleasure.
Forgive me that I don't get up.
I'm running a fever of 102.
7.
My perspiration is creating a vacuum seal on the plastic.
102.
7? Please.
I've had hot flashes hotter than that.
How do you live in this dump? It's so tiny.
It's like I did in the joint: economy of movement and sleeping in the fertile position.
When Daddy was doing time in San Quentin, he learned how to maximize the minimal space he was allotted.
And shower with your back against the wall and very quickly.
Come on, sit.
Sit, Alma, sit.
Now, mira, Alma, if there's anything you need, you just let me know, okay? I need you to kick George's ass.
I was thinking more along the lines of a cup of tea.
I'm not asking you to break his legs.
- Just send him a message.
- We can't do that.
[Alma.]
Sure, you can.
Beat him with a phone book, put a bar of soap in a sock, wear him out.
Alma, I'm not going to hurt George.
Oh, you big pussies.
You make me sick.
[Junior.]
We care about George.
And he always has carne asada.
And those little olives stuffed with bleu cheese.
We are not going to jeopardize those.
What kind of Mexicans are you? Won't beat up family.
Alma, the world has made you cold and bitter.
[grunts.]
So Get in here.
You're sure grandma's not here? I'm sure.
You know how I know? The roaches aren't afraid to go in the kitchen anymore.
I'm scared she's gonna come back.
Me too.
It keeps me up at night.
Hey, but you know what? The good thing about getting smacked by grandma is it's gonna bring us closer together.
- Really? - Yeah.
We don't have the same skin color, hair color, or eye color.
But when grandma walks in the room, we both flinch.
I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself.
You want me to hit grandma? Why are you smiling? No, we don't hit girls or kick dogs.
But grandma falls somewhere in between.
- Okay, now stand up.
- Okay.
But all my protective headgear's at Mom's house.
Where it should remain.
Put your hands up.
Put your fists What's what is what's that? Where are your thumbs? Oh, there it is.
Here.
Let your thumbs out.
There you go.
That's a fist.
I'ma teach you how to bob and weave.
- My arms are tired.
- Put your hands up.
Okay, you got 50 years on grandma, Harper.
Her legs are shot.
You see the way she walks? I want you to wear that old hag out.
Pretend I'm grandma.
[coughs.]
I'm cold.
I'm so cold.
I've had a few drinks, okay? And you've left the milk out by mistake.
Okay, here I come.
Watch Watch out, stay on the left, because she has a cataract.
She can't see out of that eye.
There you go.
Whoo.
There you go, that's beautiful.
- You're a natural.
- I am? Come on, I knew it, Harper.
It's in your blood.
Latinos make the best fighters because we have abusive mothers.
Except for Bobby Chacon.
His mom was nice, so he never got a chance to learn how to duck.
Ooh, look at that.
Look at that.
[Mackenzie clears throat.]
Oh, hey, Mom.
Dad's teaching me how to box.
How can he do that? Your protective headgear is at home.
Will you excuse us for a minute, honey? Whoa.
Are you completely out of your mind? That depends how long you've been standing there.
Long enough to question the wisdom of joint custody.
Tell me you weren't just teaching our 12-year-old son to punch his own grandmother.
Well, it's better than coming back from drama camp with a spirit stick and jazz hands.
Do you have any idea how crazy that is? It's not crazy, Mac.
Besides, he's a natural.
Yeah, that's the problem, George, this is natural to you.
When it comes to your family, everybody yells and hits and argues.
That's how you know that they're family.
You haven't learned one thing, being with me.
You raise a healthy family by encouraging and nurturing and protecting.
How come everything with white parents ends with "ing"? Harper, honey, come on, we're leavi We're gonna go! Porque yo soy tu hermano.
- No! - Si! - No! - I knew it.
Didn't I tell you? Their cheekbone structure's too similar.
You back from the park already? There were children playing and laughing, So I got the hell out of there.
Hey, hey, hey! We were watching that! Not anymore.
[grumbling in Spanish.]
- What did you say? - Nothing, Alma, I don't wanna fight.
No, please, be a man, say it! You know, you're just not the most accomplished houseguest.
- Yeah? And? - And you gotta be a little more "considerating" of my feelings.
Ay, dios mio.
"Be a little bit more 'considerating' of my feelings.
" Is that how you argue? Okay, I-I get what's going on here, Daddy.
Now that she's away from George, she wants to fight with you.
Don't engage her.
[chuckles.]
I am not engaging.
Because that's not where I'm at at this particular juncture.
You two are even more pathetic than George.
Alma, all we wanna do is watch our storias.
We've been waiting all week, so we can watch it together.
We're about to discover the identity of the devil's apprentice.
- It's the heiress, Conchita.
- You evil bitch! Oh.
Daddy.
The language.
But I agree with your sentiment.
[latin music ringtone.]
Hello? [Tio.]
Georgie, hey.
You know what? Your mom wanted me to call you and ask you, could you please take her back in the house? She did? [Tio.]
Yeah, Georgie, she's really distraught.
Every night, she's crying.
"Georgie! Donde esta mi Georgie?" It's sad, homes, it's just sad.
- Why are you whispering? - Georgie, please, take her back.
Junior and I are begging you.
Our father-and-son relationship is being strained by her mere presence.
If that's George, tell him he's a culo.
No.
Georgie, your mother says you're an ass.
Really? Well, tell her that I rented out her room to a black man who's upstairs in her bed watching TV right now, barefooted, moisturizing his knees.
I tell you what I can't be in the middle of this family dramatic.
It's tearing me apart.
Just so you know, I'm doing fine without you.
I got everything I need.
[George.]
Really? Did Tio go down to the pool and get another couch? You'll be dead in three days without me.
You can't survive without your mother.
You know what? I've been surviving my whole life without you.
You were never there for me.
When I got sick, you weren't there.
You never helped me with my homework, and you never came to one of my baseball games, how about that? Which is shocking, knowing how much you enjoy hitting.
If I want to see a fat kid in a uniform, I'll go to Bob's big boy.
Same hair.
There it is my childhood, insults and abuse.
You know what, why don't you just face it? You were a bad mom.
If I was such a bad mom, then how does such a stupid man like you end up sitting in such a nice house? All right.
You know what? [chuckles.]
I don't need this.
You don't need it? Then why are you still on the phone? [laughs.]
Damn.
After the Mexican war, many Americans feared that their Mexican neighbors might use terrorism to retake their land.
But the truth is Americans will never have to fear Mexicans becoming terrorists because Mexicans don't believe in terrorizing complete strangers.
We only terrorize family members.
[bell rings.]
All right, that's it for tonight.
Thank you, guys.
Harper's upstairs.
He'll be down in a minute.
Oh, what's he doing, finishing his homework or filling out a permit for a handgun? No, he's had a gun for a year.
[Harper.]
Hey, Dad, you were right.
I was watching UFC.
- Those guys were kicking ass.
- Come on.
Oh, good.
Swearing too.
Nicely done, George.
- See you, Dad.
- See you later, Harper.
Come on, man.
Whoo! - Really.
- He's punching the air.
What's he doing now, hurting the environment? I'll be right out, honey.
[door closes.]
You know what your problem is? You mistake verbal and physical abuse with affection.
It all makes sense now.
You equate conflict with love.
It's why our marriage didn't work.
I thought our marriage didn't work out because I could never be right and all you did was bitch at me.
Oh, I didn't bitch.
I just pointed out when you were wrong in a slightly higher octave and sometimes tears.
All right, my bad, 'cause it sounded like bitching to me.
Think about it, George.
Okay.
What kind of sex did we always have? Well, I can tell you what kind we didn't have, and I took a shower and everything.
Makeup sex, George.
That's all we ever had because all we ever did was fight.
Man, I just remember that the room was really dark.
Sometimes I think I was in there all alone.
Okay.
If you want to lead a life of conflict and abuse, I can't stop you.
But is that really the life you want for Harper? No, it's not.
All right, my family was dysfunctional, and there was a lot of anger and a lot of pain, but But? There's a "but" coming? I can't wait to hear this.
but all of my Mom's put-downs and insults and abuse drove me to prove her wrong, Mac.
My success is a huge "screw you" to her.
You should put that on her Mother's day card.
Do you know how crazy that is, to be motivated by spite? Okay, I don't want Harper growing up like you.
With bad memories, low self-esteem, - and slight brain damage.
- I don't either, okay? But not all problems can be solved with art therapy and jazz hands.
At some point, Harper's gonna have to deal with real problems, and what's a bigger problem than my Mom? That's true.
Mac, yeah, Harper needs to be nurtured and protected, but he also needs to be toughened up too.
And you're always saying I need to be more involved.
- This is the one thing I can do.
- Okay.
Just promise me that Alma will not hit Harper again.
I can't.
But what I can promise is that the next time it happens, he'll be better prepared.
Fair enough? - Fair enough.
Otherwise - Otherwise what? What's wrong with your lip? What's what's this? You got your thumb inside.
You gotta put it like that.
Ah! Man, where's that remote? What did I do with that thing? [chuckles.]
Look who's here.
What, Tio threw you out too? Don't be stupid.
For your information, Tio loves having me around.
We started a book club.
Well, between your cataracts and Tio's reading skills, I'm sure that's some big-ass print.
"The boy and the cat went in the house.
" Unlike you, Tio has respect for me.
He makes me feel like finally I have value in this world.
[doorbell rings.]
Sounds like he's drunk to me.
[Tio.]
I'm sorry, Georgie! She's all yours! Tio, you son of a Say good-bye to my carne asada and the olives that you like! Oh, and I got hummus too! You can say good-bye to that! God.
[door closes.]
- Here's your suitcase.
- Are you inviting me back? Yeah, I'm inviting you back.
You're not inviting me back, I'm coming back.
Oh, my god! Don't bother helping an old woman with her suitcase.
Just sit there on your lazy ass.
Hey, you know what? That's the plan.
Idiot.
Hey, and don't be touching things in my bathroom, okay? - I got my exfoliator in there.
- No, I believe the exfoliator is mine.
- No, Mom, it's mine.
- Well, I've been using it.
It's yours.
Hey, and you know what? No more hitting Harper, ever.
Okay? Under any circumstances.
I'm in charge here.
Is that right? Yeah, that's right.
Because this is my house.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
Hey, that's where that thing went.
[speaking Spanish.]
Oh, hell, no.
It may be your house, but I have the remote, fat-ass.
[man on TV speaking Spanish.]
Donde esta el demonio? Where's the demon? [door slams.]
She's right there, padre.
She's right there!
D.
And we need to know this why? Because those who do not know history are condemned to repeat it, which means I'll be seeing your asses again next year.
Nero's rule is often associated with tyranny and extravagance.
[ominous ringtone.]
[sighs.]
Oh.
That that's my mother's ringtone.
Um, I'm sorry, everybody.
I-I gotta I gotta take this.
[chuckles.]
Mom, I'm in the middle of my class.
Well, tell Gloria that she can't.
Why? Because we're not zoned for slaughtering sheep! Which bathtub? In my master? Hello? Hello? Son of a bitch! Was one of Nero's favorite expressions.
He is known for executing a lot of people, including his own mother, who people describe as a ruthless, violent, dominating woman.
Who knew that Nero's last name was Lopez? Nero Lopez.
1x07 - "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" 'Sup, fool? [both speaking Spanish.]
Oh, yeah, my Georgie he created that La Energia.
It's the fifth biggest energy drink in the world.
I think it tastes like pee, but the people, they like it.
What are you doing here, fat-ass? Telenovelas? - Ah, come on.
- Shh.
Juan Rico's about to pollinate Rosa's flower.
[both grunt.]
[George.]
Aw, hell no.
Like they need any more reasons to deport us.
You know, you could've opened a cheaper bottle of wine.
- Hello, can I get you some? - Go away.
Listen, can't I just come home, turn on my TV, and watch the Lakers? You wanna see negros running around, chasing each other, go to the liquor store and throw a dollar in the parking lot.
Mom, those are world-class athletes.
Who talks like that, anyway? Pretty much our whole church group.
Go upstairs, and watch the TV in your bedroom.
Upstairs? Hey, why should I be inconvenienced? [all gasp.]
You want inconvenience? Try squeezing that mardi gras float you call a head through a hole the size of a quarter.
Listen, when are you gonna let that go? When I heal, gordo, I'll let it go.
Well, you and the walking dead are gonna have to go someplace else.
Oh, really? Is that so? Yes, that is so.
You know why? - 'Cause this is my house.
- Oh, so now it's your house.
What do you mean now? It's always been my house.
I got my name on the mailbox, on the deed.
I got the keys.
What do you have, besides the female Los Lobos? The remote.
[man on TV speaking Spanish.]
- Alma.
- Wait a minute.
What are you doing here? Where is she, George? Where's Alma? Wouldn't it be great if we never found that out? Hey, what if she went missing? I'ma put a yellow ribbon on the tree till she gets back.
Wait a minute.
Where's Harper? Oh, he's not coming over here because he's scared of your mother.
What? I'm scared of her too, I'm here.
She's out of control, George.
- She hit our son.
- What? I didn't hit him.
I cuffed him.
Well, that's not how Harper sketched it in art therapy.
You ever touch my son again, I swear to god, I'll What? Sketch me? Okay, wait a minute, you two.
Nobody is sketching anybody.
What what happened? I asked him to set the table.
He didn't do it, so I reminded him, that's all.
Mom, you can't you can't do that.
Fix it, George.
Harper is not setting foot in this house until I have your word that Alma - will not lay a hand on him - Okay.
- God.
- Or a foot or a stick.
I know how your little sick brain works, Alma.
You are lucky I don't have you charged with assault.
[door slams.]
[scoffs.]
"Assault.
" Only white women are getting arrested in America for beating their kids.
- Amateurs.
- Mackenzie's right.
I'm not gonna let you treat Harper the way that you treated me.
What are you talking about? What am I talking about? You were abusive.
You found any reason to hit me.
"Mom, I want ice cream.
" "You want ice cream? Come over here.
" Bam! "You want ice cream, fat-ass? Because I got 31 flavors right here.
" Yes, I hit you, but always with an open hand.
- That's love.
- Okay, well, whatever you call it, - I don't want you hitting my son.
- Your son? Doubtful.
Oh, my you know what, Mom? This is my house, okay? And if you don't like it here, you can leave.
Oh, you don't think I will? I'ma let you in on a little secret, all right? I never wanted you here in the first place.
- Really? - Yes, really.
Well, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
The only reason I'm here is because you couldn't live without me.
[chuckles.]
Oh, okay.
Let's see how that works out.
Are you really kicking me out? I'm really kicking you out.
You're not kicking me out.
I'm leaving.
Either way, it feels good.
I'll go pack my bags.
- And here we are, 2G.
- And then he said it was his house.
Ungrateful pendejo, estupido.
2G, 'cause that's how all the ladies leave too grateful.
[laughs.]
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Ay, que feo.
Alma, what an unexpected pleasure.
Forgive me that I don't get up.
I'm running a fever of 102.
7.
My perspiration is creating a vacuum seal on the plastic.
102.
7? Please.
I've had hot flashes hotter than that.
How do you live in this dump? It's so tiny.
It's like I did in the joint: economy of movement and sleeping in the fertile position.
When Daddy was doing time in San Quentin, he learned how to maximize the minimal space he was allotted.
And shower with your back against the wall and very quickly.
Come on, sit.
Sit, Alma, sit.
Now, mira, Alma, if there's anything you need, you just let me know, okay? I need you to kick George's ass.
I was thinking more along the lines of a cup of tea.
I'm not asking you to break his legs.
- Just send him a message.
- We can't do that.
[Alma.]
Sure, you can.
Beat him with a phone book, put a bar of soap in a sock, wear him out.
Alma, I'm not going to hurt George.
Oh, you big pussies.
You make me sick.
[Junior.]
We care about George.
And he always has carne asada.
And those little olives stuffed with bleu cheese.
We are not going to jeopardize those.
What kind of Mexicans are you? Won't beat up family.
Alma, the world has made you cold and bitter.
[grunts.]
So Get in here.
You're sure grandma's not here? I'm sure.
You know how I know? The roaches aren't afraid to go in the kitchen anymore.
I'm scared she's gonna come back.
Me too.
It keeps me up at night.
Hey, but you know what? The good thing about getting smacked by grandma is it's gonna bring us closer together.
- Really? - Yeah.
We don't have the same skin color, hair color, or eye color.
But when grandma walks in the room, we both flinch.
I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself.
You want me to hit grandma? Why are you smiling? No, we don't hit girls or kick dogs.
But grandma falls somewhere in between.
- Okay, now stand up.
- Okay.
But all my protective headgear's at Mom's house.
Where it should remain.
Put your hands up.
Put your fists What's what is what's that? Where are your thumbs? Oh, there it is.
Here.
Let your thumbs out.
There you go.
That's a fist.
I'ma teach you how to bob and weave.
- My arms are tired.
- Put your hands up.
Okay, you got 50 years on grandma, Harper.
Her legs are shot.
You see the way she walks? I want you to wear that old hag out.
Pretend I'm grandma.
[coughs.]
I'm cold.
I'm so cold.
I've had a few drinks, okay? And you've left the milk out by mistake.
Okay, here I come.
Watch Watch out, stay on the left, because she has a cataract.
She can't see out of that eye.
There you go.
Whoo.
There you go, that's beautiful.
- You're a natural.
- I am? Come on, I knew it, Harper.
It's in your blood.
Latinos make the best fighters because we have abusive mothers.
Except for Bobby Chacon.
His mom was nice, so he never got a chance to learn how to duck.
Ooh, look at that.
Look at that.
[Mackenzie clears throat.]
Oh, hey, Mom.
Dad's teaching me how to box.
How can he do that? Your protective headgear is at home.
Will you excuse us for a minute, honey? Whoa.
Are you completely out of your mind? That depends how long you've been standing there.
Long enough to question the wisdom of joint custody.
Tell me you weren't just teaching our 12-year-old son to punch his own grandmother.
Well, it's better than coming back from drama camp with a spirit stick and jazz hands.
Do you have any idea how crazy that is? It's not crazy, Mac.
Besides, he's a natural.
Yeah, that's the problem, George, this is natural to you.
When it comes to your family, everybody yells and hits and argues.
That's how you know that they're family.
You haven't learned one thing, being with me.
You raise a healthy family by encouraging and nurturing and protecting.
How come everything with white parents ends with "ing"? Harper, honey, come on, we're leavi We're gonna go! Porque yo soy tu hermano.
- No! - Si! - No! - I knew it.
Didn't I tell you? Their cheekbone structure's too similar.
You back from the park already? There were children playing and laughing, So I got the hell out of there.
Hey, hey, hey! We were watching that! Not anymore.
[grumbling in Spanish.]
- What did you say? - Nothing, Alma, I don't wanna fight.
No, please, be a man, say it! You know, you're just not the most accomplished houseguest.
- Yeah? And? - And you gotta be a little more "considerating" of my feelings.
Ay, dios mio.
"Be a little bit more 'considerating' of my feelings.
" Is that how you argue? Okay, I-I get what's going on here, Daddy.
Now that she's away from George, she wants to fight with you.
Don't engage her.
[chuckles.]
I am not engaging.
Because that's not where I'm at at this particular juncture.
You two are even more pathetic than George.
Alma, all we wanna do is watch our storias.
We've been waiting all week, so we can watch it together.
We're about to discover the identity of the devil's apprentice.
- It's the heiress, Conchita.
- You evil bitch! Oh.
Daddy.
The language.
But I agree with your sentiment.
[latin music ringtone.]
Hello? [Tio.]
Georgie, hey.
You know what? Your mom wanted me to call you and ask you, could you please take her back in the house? She did? [Tio.]
Yeah, Georgie, she's really distraught.
Every night, she's crying.
"Georgie! Donde esta mi Georgie?" It's sad, homes, it's just sad.
- Why are you whispering? - Georgie, please, take her back.
Junior and I are begging you.
Our father-and-son relationship is being strained by her mere presence.
If that's George, tell him he's a culo.
No.
Georgie, your mother says you're an ass.
Really? Well, tell her that I rented out her room to a black man who's upstairs in her bed watching TV right now, barefooted, moisturizing his knees.
I tell you what I can't be in the middle of this family dramatic.
It's tearing me apart.
Just so you know, I'm doing fine without you.
I got everything I need.
[George.]
Really? Did Tio go down to the pool and get another couch? You'll be dead in three days without me.
You can't survive without your mother.
You know what? I've been surviving my whole life without you.
You were never there for me.
When I got sick, you weren't there.
You never helped me with my homework, and you never came to one of my baseball games, how about that? Which is shocking, knowing how much you enjoy hitting.
If I want to see a fat kid in a uniform, I'll go to Bob's big boy.
Same hair.
There it is my childhood, insults and abuse.
You know what, why don't you just face it? You were a bad mom.
If I was such a bad mom, then how does such a stupid man like you end up sitting in such a nice house? All right.
You know what? [chuckles.]
I don't need this.
You don't need it? Then why are you still on the phone? [laughs.]
Damn.
After the Mexican war, many Americans feared that their Mexican neighbors might use terrorism to retake their land.
But the truth is Americans will never have to fear Mexicans becoming terrorists because Mexicans don't believe in terrorizing complete strangers.
We only terrorize family members.
[bell rings.]
All right, that's it for tonight.
Thank you, guys.
Harper's upstairs.
He'll be down in a minute.
Oh, what's he doing, finishing his homework or filling out a permit for a handgun? No, he's had a gun for a year.
[Harper.]
Hey, Dad, you were right.
I was watching UFC.
- Those guys were kicking ass.
- Come on.
Oh, good.
Swearing too.
Nicely done, George.
- See you, Dad.
- See you later, Harper.
Come on, man.
Whoo! - Really.
- He's punching the air.
What's he doing now, hurting the environment? I'll be right out, honey.
[door closes.]
You know what your problem is? You mistake verbal and physical abuse with affection.
It all makes sense now.
You equate conflict with love.
It's why our marriage didn't work.
I thought our marriage didn't work out because I could never be right and all you did was bitch at me.
Oh, I didn't bitch.
I just pointed out when you were wrong in a slightly higher octave and sometimes tears.
All right, my bad, 'cause it sounded like bitching to me.
Think about it, George.
Okay.
What kind of sex did we always have? Well, I can tell you what kind we didn't have, and I took a shower and everything.
Makeup sex, George.
That's all we ever had because all we ever did was fight.
Man, I just remember that the room was really dark.
Sometimes I think I was in there all alone.
Okay.
If you want to lead a life of conflict and abuse, I can't stop you.
But is that really the life you want for Harper? No, it's not.
All right, my family was dysfunctional, and there was a lot of anger and a lot of pain, but But? There's a "but" coming? I can't wait to hear this.
but all of my Mom's put-downs and insults and abuse drove me to prove her wrong, Mac.
My success is a huge "screw you" to her.
You should put that on her Mother's day card.
Do you know how crazy that is, to be motivated by spite? Okay, I don't want Harper growing up like you.
With bad memories, low self-esteem, - and slight brain damage.
- I don't either, okay? But not all problems can be solved with art therapy and jazz hands.
At some point, Harper's gonna have to deal with real problems, and what's a bigger problem than my Mom? That's true.
Mac, yeah, Harper needs to be nurtured and protected, but he also needs to be toughened up too.
And you're always saying I need to be more involved.
- This is the one thing I can do.
- Okay.
Just promise me that Alma will not hit Harper again.
I can't.
But what I can promise is that the next time it happens, he'll be better prepared.
Fair enough? - Fair enough.
Otherwise - Otherwise what? What's wrong with your lip? What's what's this? You got your thumb inside.
You gotta put it like that.
Ah! Man, where's that remote? What did I do with that thing? [chuckles.]
Look who's here.
What, Tio threw you out too? Don't be stupid.
For your information, Tio loves having me around.
We started a book club.
Well, between your cataracts and Tio's reading skills, I'm sure that's some big-ass print.
"The boy and the cat went in the house.
" Unlike you, Tio has respect for me.
He makes me feel like finally I have value in this world.
[doorbell rings.]
Sounds like he's drunk to me.
[Tio.]
I'm sorry, Georgie! She's all yours! Tio, you son of a Say good-bye to my carne asada and the olives that you like! Oh, and I got hummus too! You can say good-bye to that! God.
[door closes.]
- Here's your suitcase.
- Are you inviting me back? Yeah, I'm inviting you back.
You're not inviting me back, I'm coming back.
Oh, my god! Don't bother helping an old woman with her suitcase.
Just sit there on your lazy ass.
Hey, you know what? That's the plan.
Idiot.
Hey, and don't be touching things in my bathroom, okay? - I got my exfoliator in there.
- No, I believe the exfoliator is mine.
- No, Mom, it's mine.
- Well, I've been using it.
It's yours.
Hey, and you know what? No more hitting Harper, ever.
Okay? Under any circumstances.
I'm in charge here.
Is that right? Yeah, that's right.
Because this is my house.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
Hey, that's where that thing went.
[speaking Spanish.]
Oh, hell, no.
It may be your house, but I have the remote, fat-ass.
[man on TV speaking Spanish.]
Donde esta el demonio? Where's the demon? [door slams.]
She's right there, padre.
She's right there!