Sanford and Son (1972) s01e07 Episode Script

I'm sorry, Darlene.
Listen, I thought my dad cleaned that stuff up.
Well, this is it.
Home, sweet home.
You like it? - Yeah.
Well, it's different.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you know, actually, this is part of the business establishment.
You see, the living quarters are upstairs.
Yeah.
You'll find that a lot of people are doing that nowadays combining their professional business with their homes.
It's very smart, tax-wise.
Dad and I are in the commodities game.
I thought you were in the junk business.
Well, you see, that's just the common name for it.
Now, you know, in the trade, we refer to it as "commodities.
" - Oh, I see.
- Yeah.
I'd take you upstairs and show you the upstairs living quarters but Dad's up there asleep now, and we don't want to bother him.
See, his room is done in Louis the XIV and mine is kind of Swedish modern, you know.
Oh, this is more like it.
Yeah.
Just you and me.
Hello, Lamont.
I thought I heard you come in.
Oh, hi, Pop.
Pop, this is Darlene Edwards.
Darlene, this is my dad, Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.
Say, Pop, I thought you were asleep.
Now, you know I can't ever sleep till you come home.
Okay, well, I'm home now, so you can go to sleep.
Hey, what's that around your neck? You got a sore throat? This happens to be an ascot.
Well, if you gargle with some warm saltwater, you'll get rid of it.
- Well, good night, Pop.
- Yeah.
- Where'd y'all go, to a movie? - Yeah, we went to a movie.
I was watching a movie here on TV.
A horror movie.
A scientist dug up a mummy And he brought it back to life and fell in love with her.
- Now, isn't that disgusting? - Yeah, right.
It's all right to fall in love with somebody older than you are.
But 3,000 years? Geez! - Well, good night, Pop.
- Good night.
- Night, Miss, uh, Miss, uh - Edwards.
Edwards.
Yeah, Edwards.
Is your father in the poultry business? No.
No, he isn't.
I used to buy my chickens from a guy named Edwards.
- Clarence Edwards.
You remember him.
- No, I don't remember, Pop.
Yeah, I had to stop getting my chickens from him.
- Yeah, he sold me a bad one.
- Oh, really? Yeah.
He sold me a chicken that died before he could kill it.
You know, everything was wrong with that chicken.
Know what's wrong with him? He had a bad heart, bad liver, bad kidney - Well, it's gettin' kind of late, Pop.
- And a bad gizzard.
It's getting late, you know.
It's kind of late now.
- Yeah.
Okay, son.
Night.
- Good night, Pop.
- Night, Miss.
- Good night.
Say, uh, Pop? Would you mind turning out the light, please? Thank you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I thought I'd fix me something hot to drink.
It help me sleep.
You folks want anything? No, we don't want anything.
Well, I'm gonna have me a hot tea.
Yeah.
You folks sure you don't want any? Positive, Pop.
Would you just go have your tea? I hate to waste a bag on one cup.
You know, you can get three cups out of one bag.
Yeah, right.
Right, Pop.
I'll leave the bag on the sink in case you change your mind.
Okay.
Just have your tea, all right? Okay, son.
I'll have me some tea.
You better not start.
You'll only quit when he comes through again.
I wasn't gonna start nothing.
I didn't want my motor turned off completely.
You know what, Darlene? You really knock me out.
- I do? - Oh, yeah.
You got me right in the palm of your hand.
I'm yours, mind and body.
- Oh, no.
- Well, he's just singing.
I know, but he makes me nervous, knowing he's in there.
Would you just forget about him? Honeysuckle rose I don't buy sugar You just a I got my tea.
- Great.
- I put some applejack in mine.
You can do the same thing, but it make you sweat.
- Well, good night.
- Good night, Pop.
- Night.
- Good night.
Hey, how did Jimmy Durante used to say good night? Night, Mrs.
Calabash, wherever you are.
Inka dinka dinka dinka dink a dinka doo - Say, Pop? - I know.
Put the light out.
Thank you.
Inka dinka dinka dinka dinka doo Well, I think we're finally in the clear now.
You know what you oughta do? Move out.
Get a place of your own.
Well, that's a good idea, Darlene, but I don't know if I can do that.
My old man is getting old, and he kind of depends on me.
I know, but you have no privacy this way.
Well, we have now.
We had to wait a little bit, but I think it was worth waitin' for.
'Cause now it's just you and me.
Well, if that don't beat all! - Here he comes again.
- Freeway Freddy.
Hey, Lamont, you wanna hear something funny? That hot tea made me hungry.
- You folks care for anything? - No, thank you, Pop.
I'm gonna have me some eggs.
Well, if you change your mind, just call your order in to old Fred the short order cook.
Yeah.
Scramble two and a side of bacon! Order of toast! Heavy on the butter! Comin' up! Every honeybee Oh, Lamont, this is getting ridiculous.
Just wait a minute, Darlene.
Listen, I'll get this thing settled right now.
Now just come over here and sit down, and I'll take care of the whole thing.
It just takes a couple of words, and I'll straighten it out, okay? Now just wait there.
Will you shut up! What's wrong with you? I'm just fixing something to eat! Just try to keep it down, for crying out loud! Why don't you go on back out there? Don't come in here.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
She left.
She did? Why did she leave? What did you do to her? What did I do to her? Pop, this whole thing is your fault.
Now, you know that.
Who me? - What did I do? - You know what you did.
Every time I bring some chick home, you find some way of lousin' it up.
You know that's not true.
When you bring a girl home I go upstairs or go in the kitchen and shut the door.
Yeah, with your eyeball pressed up against the keyhole.
Are you kidding? I wouldn't waste my time, watching an amateur like you.
I can see more sex on the 6:00 News.
Well, if I am an amateur, it's 'cause I never get no practice.
- You're always in the way, Pop.
- Are you kidding? I lost another one tonight, thanks to you.
Now, don't blame me 'cause you can't make it with girls.
- Maybe they don't like you.
- Yeah, they dig me, all right.
But I'll never get no place, hangin' around here.
Darlene was right.
I got to get a place of my own.
What are you talking about? It's the only way, Pop.
I don't have any privacy here.
And it's ridiculous anyway.
A 30-year-old man still living at home.
I got to get a place of my own.
But you can't leave.
We got a business.
What about the business? - We still got the business.
- Yeah, but I'll be here alone.
Old Fred, the lonesome coordinator.
I'll see you every morning when I come to work.
What about tonight? What if I have a heart attack and have to call the doctor? You know I can't dial the phone on account of my arthritis.
Would you cut that out, Pop? You're not gonna have no heart attack.
You'll be nice and cozy here with your newspapers and your TV.
And anyway, my mind is made up.
This is something that I got to do.
- So I'm going.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm ain't gonna stop you.
- Good.
- You want to go, go.
- I'm going.
- I know you got your mind made up.
- That's right.
But, but listen, son.
How would it be if I went with you? Then what's the point of me leaving, Pop? Don't you understand that it's you I'm trying to get away from? Oh.
I see what you mean.
- Well, good night.
- Good night.
Are you staying here tonight? Yeah, I'll stay here tonight.
I'll look for a place tomorrow.
That's good, because in case I have an attack you'll be here so you can dial the phone for me 'cause I can't dial on account of my Your arthritis.
I know.
- Your arthritis.
- Night.
Good night.
Come in this world alone, and you go out alone.
That's just the way it is.
You raise your kids, and when you get old enough for the kids to help you then they go and leave.
Let's see now who's gonna be the lucky lady to start the ball rolling.
Darlene.
She's the one responsible for this whole thing.
Well, it's an entirely different ball game now.
Hello, Darlene? Hey, baby, what's happening? This is Lamont.
Hello? Hello! Darlene! If at first Ah, Joan! I'm gonna callJoan 'cause I'm all alone.
Hello, Joan? Bet you'll never guess who this is.
It's Lamont.
Lamont Sanford.
Yeah, I knew you'd remember.
Say, Joan, I was just wondering if maybe you and me could get together tonight.
You know, I got my own place and everything now, and I Well, can't you give yourself a facial some other time? Well, how long do you have to leave that stuff on there? No, that's all right.
Just forget about it.
It's okay.
Might as well wait till her skin clears up.
Joyce.
CallJoyce and rejoice! I'm gonna callJoyce 'cause I know Joyce ain't got nothing to do.
Hello.
Can I speak toJoyce, please? Who is this? Oh, no, I didn't know she was married.
No, no, no, no, no.
No messages.
Never mind who's calling.
Well, here it is.
I hope you like it.
Yeah.
It sure smells good.
I sure appreciate you coming around to help me.
Man, what a rump roast.
Thank you.
You know, I haven't see you since Joe had the accident at the foundry.
Let's see now.
How long has that been? How long you been a widow? It's been a long time.
Nearly six months.
You must be kind of lonely.
Have you thought about getting married again? Yeah, I thought of it, but I'm kind of particular.
Have you ever thought of remarrying? Yeah, I thought about it, but I'm kind of particular too.
- You are? - Yeah.
I guess we're just two particular people.
- That's nice.
- Hey, listen.
You should've been coming around before.
Well, I didn't know how your son would feel about it.
I didn't want him to think I was trying to take the place of his mother.
See, now there's the difference.
He can never have another mother.
But I got to have another mama.
And now that Lamont's gone and moved and got his own place you can come around anytime you want to.
You really want me to? I sure do, Ernestine.
- Let's drink a little toast to that.
- All right.
I saw this in a movie once.
Hold it now.
Here we go, like this.
Hello.
Hey, Peg.
Where are you? Well, this is a fine time to tell me you can't come! Well, listen, I've got dinner cooking and everything.
I got the whole placed fixed up here.
Well, what happened? Oh, no, listen, I'm really sorry to hear that.
No, I'm really am.
But can't you come anyway? No, I'm not being selfish.
Listen, I understand.
What I don't know is why you have to go to the chapel tonight.
The body will still be there tomorrow.
Your uncle's not going anyplace.
No, it's all right.
No, I understand.
Some other time.
Bye.
- I'm coming! - Open the door! Hold on, will ya? What took you so long to You're not even dressed.
What's the matter with you? I got to bed late last night.
What's this? Well, it was too late to clean up.
She wanted to, but I told her forget about it.
Man, what a rump roast.
Who's she? She? That's the she that was here last night.
Joe Crawford's widow.
- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- Ashamed? What are you talkin' about? What's wrong with having company? How you doing with your privacy? Everything's fine, Pop.
You know.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
That's the best thing you ever did, going and getting your own place.
- Smartest move I ever made.
- Yeah.
I thought I was too old for this kind of carrying on.
Say, you know what Ernestine calls me? Ready Freddy.
Who's Ernestine? I told you she was here last night.
Man, what a rump roast.
Well, I gotta go to work, Pop.
I'll see you later on today.
Now, listen, if you wanna come by and have dinner with us tonight - you're welcome.
- No, I got big plans for tonight, Pop.
- Got them chicks lined up, ain't you? - Oh, yeah.
Lined up and waitin'.
Just one big parade.
Yeah.
Ready Freddy and Prompt Lamont.
Well, finally.
Why, hey, I didn't know you had your own place.
I tried to tell you, baby, when I called you.
You like it? I love it.
It's It's really you.
- I think so too.
- Did you do it all yourself? Well, most of it.
Just a few things I picked up here and there.
You know, at Hughes Market and at the Akron.
Well, you have very good taste.
Yeah, I think so.
- Sit down, my dear.
- All right.
I'll just put on a little mood music.
Oh, that'll be nice.
A little Chico Hamilton.
- Who's that? - Oh, just forget about it.
It's probably somebody at the wrong door.
All right, that's it.
I do not allow visitors of the opposite sex after 11 p.
m.
- What kind of place you think this is? - Just a minute! That means you, miss! Out! You just can't come busting in here, telling people what to do.
Oh, yes, I can! Did you read the rules of the house? The rules clearly state that there will be no visitors after 11 p.
m.
- No visitors of the opposite sex.
- Well, I paid you the rent! Not anymore, lover boy.
Well, just a minute, sister.
You can't come in here, spittin' on my candle.
Pack your things and get out! I guess I told her.
Say, Darlene Who is that? That you, Lamont? - Oh.
Hiya, son.
- Hey, Pop.
- I didn't know you was coming home.
- Where you been? I've been out on a date.
I'm so tired.
Say, you movin' back home? No, I just came by to see how you was doin', you know.
Oh.
I sure wish you moved back home, son.
I need some protection.
You know, these women drive me crazy.
It's one big parade.
Night and day, day and night.
That's the way it's been, huh? You know how it is when you got your own place.
- That's the way it is, all right.
- Yeah.
They just won't leave you alone.
Just after you all the time.
All the time.
All the time, Pop.
That's right.
I'm too old for this carrying on.
Why don't you move back home, son? - What about my privacy, Pop? - If you want to bring a girl in I won't bother you, I promise, okay? Well, as long as you put it that way - I'll come back.
- Great.
Good, then let's celebrate.
We'll have a little nightcap.
I got some imported wine that Ethel left last night.
- Ethel? Who's Ethel? - That's Bernard Patterson's widow.
Say, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Well, you won't have to worry about that no more, son because after last night Ready Freddy ain't too steady.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I like about you, Darlene? You're willing to forgive and forget.
But you don't have to worry about a thing, my dear.
This is an entirely new situation that we're about to embark upon.
- Oh, it is? - Yes.
- Where's your father? - Forget him.
He's upstairs sleeping.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yes.
- Sweetheart, you know what? - What? I'm hungry.
Well, there's some cold chicken in the refrigerator.
- Would you like to have that? - Anything.
And we could have some cold Chablis.
It's a very interesting dry white wine that goes well with just about anything and then I'll come back out here and just Don't go away.
Be right back.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.