Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

Life has been so hectic lately.
Work is crazy.
They gave us all new keyboards.
Oh, you're done.
I thought you were gonna list more things.
I have more, but it would just stress me out to talk about it, so I know, my life lately is just The baby's teething, my sister won another award for bravery.
She carried two Navy SEALs to her helicopter.
"Julie has upper body strength, let's all give her a prize.
" And somebody at work is stealing my breast milk.
I think it's Todd.
He's the only one who eats cereal.
- So there were more things.
- So how are you? My life's been a little intense.
What? Tell me.
And be very specific.
Well, the other day - I misplaced my pen.
- Aww.
- But then I found it.
- Oh.
So with all that craziness going on, tomorrow we're taking a family day at the beach.
There's this food truck that Abby loves near the pier.
They sell fresh oysters and you shuck them yourself.
- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
- Oh, it's heaven.
You throw your blanket down, we listen to the waves.
- Not a care in the world.
- God, I love the beach.
It's so peaceful.
When I was a little girl, we'd go there and fly kites.
Oh, fuck! I fucking love kites.
In the fucking sky, amongst the fucking clouds.
Boy, you're unusually passionate about kites.
That's awesome! How have we never talked about this? Do you prefer single line or double? Whatever makes them go! Go! Go that way! - So exciting.
We have to fly together.
- Oh, my God, we do.
- But right now, you have got to leave.
- What? Why? Why? Because it's canning season and the peaches may already have gone bad.
- You like canning, too? - Get out! - What happened? - I killed Dan.
I thought you were just going to talk to him.
Negotiations broke down, so I hit him in the head with a shovel.
- Oh, my God! - It just happened.
He was threatening to send you to jail and saying mean things, and you kinda had to be there.
Come on, grab his leg.
- Let's get him inside.
- Okay.
I really appreciate you wanting to protect me from him.
It's so sweet.
It's so gallant.
Oh, but I can't believe you killed our neighbor - I know.
I know.
- who is a sheriff.
And it's just funny because you're always telling me we won't survive it if I act impulsive and Honey? - So sweet, so gallant! - Yeah.
Now lift his torso.
I don't want him leaving a stain on our floor.
And knowing Dan, he's gonna want to leave a stain.
Mmm.
That coffee smells great.
I love coffee.
Think about it.
It's a bean that you drink.
- Are you high? - No.
I'm just feeling very grateful about coffee.
Now? Okay we need to get Dan out of here and into the storage unit.
Right.
But we can't drag him to the car in broad daylight.
No.
If someone hadn't converted the garage to a home office we could pull the car in, load the body without anyone seeing.
Well, someone uses that home office as much as I do.
I don't think someone does, but let's drop it.
- Fine, it's dropped.
But they do.
- Fine.
I'll go to the storage unit, get the trunk and dolly, so we can load the body and wheel it to the car, which will never again be in the garage.
You really want to criticize my decision-making in front of our neighbor you just killed with a shovel? Yes.
Easy, easy.
Would it be weird if I took his watch? It'd be weird.
Gary did that too.
A dead woman would never do that.
- Ooh! I can't believe you eat this.
- You eat meat.
Even after we saw that slaughterhouse documentary.
I cut out veal and I limited bacon to the weekends, that's all I can do.
Okay, on three.
One, two, three! Shit.
Shit! Let's not answer it.
It's Rick.
He knows we're home.
Our cars are out front.
- Because we don't have a garage.
- Fuck you.
- That's helpful.
- Guys, open up! I got news about Dan.
How can there be news? I just killed him an hour ago.
Well, now if we don't open the door we're really gonna look suspicious.
Plus, we should see what he knows.
Let's get him in the closet.
Oh, I forgot.
This is where we keep all the stuff we used to keep Yes, I'm sorry, there's no room for the dead guy you came home with.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey, Rick.
You got some news about Dan? I was just coming back from a run and Are you guys all right? You look flushed.
- We were fighting.
- We were having sex.
We were having sex and it turned into fighting.
- He tried a move I didn't care for.
- Still learning.
You said something about Dan or something? You won't believe this.
I just ran into his partner outside.
Apparently, she came to pick him up for his shift this morning and he's missing.
- Can I get some water? - Oh! No, no, no.
No! You may not.
You are the guest.
We are the hosts.
I will get some water, you stay here with Joel and finish your story.
Gentlemen.
Thank you.
So, what was the move? - You were talking about Dan.
- Right.
So get this: his partner finds the front door unlocked, but no Dan.
His car's in the driveway, his phone's on the coffee table, his mini breakfast quiche is still in the microwave.
So sorry about that.
All me.
I farted.
I did that.
So Dan's partner called it in, and now there's a couple of squad cars looking around the neighborhood.
Oh, I hope they find him so I can give him shit about being too lazy to bake a proper quiche.
Ahh.
Thanks for the water.
I'll just Mmmwah! You are so welcome! Well, thanks for stopping by.
You take it from here.
Oh, by the way, that guy Anton you were looking for? - I found his number.
- Really? Tell me the move.
You can't handle the move.
Oh, God.
Fucking top-heavy Dan and his narcing butthole.
This is great.
Rick got that guy's number.
- What guy? - The guy with the Serbian book that might have a cure.
- I'm gonna call him.
- Maybe tomorrow's project.
- Right.
Dan.
- What are we gonna do? We can't just take him out of here.
Now there's a sheriff next door.
We can't leave him here.
Abby's gonna be home soon.
Okay, we have to stash him somewhere, somewhere Abby would never look.
- A bookshelf? - I was gonna say a dishwasher.
Maybe in her trombone that cost us $600.
Or under the paddleboard she used four times.
- Master bath.
- Good.
She hasn't gone in there since she walked in on us in the tub.
That was funny.
That's a five-hour solution at best.
We need a plan.
I've always loved it in here.
The way the light comes in and dances with the colors on the wall.
This room isn't just a place I have to use, it's a place I want to use.
Hey, buddy.
Focus.
All right? We're looking for a plan, not a blurb for Better Homes and Gardens.
- Seriously, are you okay? - Yeah, fine.
We'll wait for the sheriffs to leave, go get a new trunk, - and move him to the storage unit tonight.
- Yes.
County sheriff.
- Motherfucker! - Shit! Try not to kill this one.
You've killed twice as many people as I have.
as I have.
Wow.
So tomorrow, I'm going to the beach with my parents.
I'm actually looking forward to it.
There's this oyster truck we always go to.
And the oysters are, like, okay, but the guy gave me a beer once.
Cool.
Should we go get a coffee? I feel like we should stop and get a coffee.
You're nervous about going home and seeing Dan, aren't you? When I left this morning, he was going to plant his rosebushes so I'm pretty sure the flash bang went off and it was a huge mistake and he's gonna kill me and I want to try coffee before I die.
Worst bucket list ever.
It's going to be good, Eric.
It's gonna force a confrontation.
Oh, I love those.
Look, what I mean is, what you have now obviously isn't working.
Dan's a bully.
If you don't stand up to bullies, they just keep coming at you.
And take it from me, I was a monster in elementary school.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this will be a good thing.
Maybe it'll make Dan realize, you mess with this kitty cat, you get the claws.
Great.
How married are you to that wording? He's gonna see I'm not gonna put up with any more of his crap.
- There you go.
- I'm gonna tell him, - "I'm not afraid of you, Dan.
" - Perfect! "And if you've got a problem with me watching Korean StarCraft tournaments instead of football, you can just suck my" I mean, maybe don't push it that far, 'cause sometimes with bullies "dick! Suck my fucking dick, Dan.
" I'm sure you'll find it in the moment.
Thank you.
Anytime a sheriff's deputy doesn't show up for work, we just wanna make sure everything's all right.
Oh of course.
- So either of you see Dan this morning? - No.
Wish I had.
Great guy.
Wonderful guy.
I can't get enough of him.
Interesting.
He's been my partner for five years and I've found that most people just think he's unbelievably repellent.
Well, we don't want to speak ill of the missing.
- We love everyone, all of God's children.
- Amen to that.
Mmm.
You know, there is one thing that strikes me as a little strange.
What's that, Anne? You two are friends with the Palmers, and you know Dan's missing, but you still haven't been over to check on Lisa.
- Is that strange or just inconsiderate? - Inconsiderate.
Mystery solved.
You know, something like this can be very stressful for the family, and Lisa is such a beautiful woman.
- It would be great if you just came by.
- We definitely will.
- Love it.
- Yeah.
Is there anything else we can do to help? - Just pray that Dan's all right.
- Will do.
Oh.
Right now.
Dear Lord, I sit with some of your flock to ask I'm home! We're in here, praying.
Ha-ha.
- Shall I? - Yes, please.
Dear Lord, I sit with some of your flock to ask Is there any Advil in your bathroom? to ask for your help in bringing Dan safely back to us.
Lord, we love you Jesus fucking Christ! Honey, I'll be right there.
I'm just down here with the sheriff! Can you arrest a 16-year-old for having a foul mouth? Teenagers.
Can't live with them, can live without them.
- That should totally be a T-shirt.
- What a funny sheriff.
Dear Lord Is the sheriff gone? - Yeah.
- Yes.
You guys don't let me see The Godfather until I'm 15, but you fucking kill Dan and leave him in the bathtub for me to find? I am so sorry that you had to see that.
He was blackmailing us, honey, and threatening our family.
I had no choice.
Wait.
You killed him? Yes.
Men can kill, too.
Did you also kill the frozen guy in the storage unit? - You know about that? - Yeah.
And I've seen your blender and I know what's in your smoothies.
Look, you need to kill and eat people, I get that.
But here's what I need: no more lying to me.
We were just trying to protect you from the truth because we want our family to be as normal as possible.
You think this family is ever gonna be normal? We want to be, honey.
That's why we're going to the beach tomorrow, although now we're probably not going to the beach tomorrow.
Right, because you killed our neighbor.
So, what's the plan? Are we gonna keep him? Do I finally get a brother? We have a plan, but I feel like in your current state you're gonna judge it negatively.
You guys are not great at this, and if you don't get your act together we will never go to the beach because you will be in jail.
And I'm tired of walking in on weird shit going on in your bathtub.
We really lost the moral high ground on that one.
Yup.
Hey.
I just came to see how you're doing.
Look! The flash bang went off.
Dan knows I'm the only one who could've put it there.
He's not missing.
He's laying low, plotting how to kill me and get away with it.
Something people would believe, like like a reading accident.
- Eric, breathe.
- Oh, my God, I'm not breathing.
- Oh, my God, I forgot how.
- Eric, listen to me.
What if I told you that you never had to worry about Dan ever again? What? Why not? Ab Abby, do you know something? He's in our bathtub, dead.
My parents killed him.
Can I see him? Hello? Whoa.
Jesus, that's a lot of cops.
Oh, you came.
Didn't bring any food.
We've already established we're inconsiderate people.
Yes.
Uh, I'll tell Lisa you're here.
Look at them.
All rugged individuals, yet working together.
In another time, they would've been cowboys.
What is going on with you? And don't just say you're okay.
I don't know.
I see things I feel are true and I share them.
I've noticed.
And I'm worried about you.
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming over.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
I'm sure Dan is fine.
He's probably just in the desert shooting owls, or at the beach shooting starfish, or maybe at that strip club that has the bacon he likes.
He's a man of many interests.
I guess.
Sheila, can you help me in the kitchen? Anne has been so useful, but she cannot julienne a carrot to save her life, even with those delicate, perfect fingers of hers.
Known her for five years, and this pretty lady still makes me blush about my fingers.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have such perfect fingers and then people wouldn't talk about them.
What am I gonna do with you? Oh, stop it.
Come on.
- I'll be right back.
Are you good? - I'm good.
Good, good.
Dan's probably fine.
I asked some of the boys to go to that strip club.
Had a lot of volunteers.
Sure, naked women supporting their kids.
Oh, that's from a trip to Maui the four of us took a couple of years ago.
It's so beautiful.
We went to a luau.
Cooked a pig right in the dirt.
Dan took the snout, put it on his nose and said a bunch of racist stuff.
It was not cool.
But, you know, we let it slide because it was a vacation, so We ate that pork, it was so good.
You wouldn't think meat cooked in the dirt could be that good.
a pod of dolphins swimming right in front of us.
Whoa, what's going on, Joel? - Sorry.
- Something you wanna talk about? What's up, guys? I was telling Joel about Dan and Hawaii, - and then he started crying.
- Yeah.
Why are you crying, Joel? Joel really looks up to Dan.
Dan's sort of like a father figure to him.
And now that he's missing, it's brought up a lot of abandonment issues.
Did your father leave? - Nope.
- It's also brought up some denial issues.
Don't worry, Joel.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We're gonna have guys in the neighborhood all night keeping an eye out.
If Dan doesn't turn up by tomorrow, we'll bring in some dogs to help.
Oh, you mean like therapy dogs to cheer up Lisa? No, search dogs.
They can find a rubber glove buried ten feet underground.
If Dan's anywhere around here, they'll find him.
Fucking dogs! - They're the greatest.
- Oh, they really are.
We should be licking them.
Maybe? He was threatening my parents, he was gonna turn them in.
Eric? You were right about one thing, Dan.
I won't be having sex in your lifetime.
- Whoa, coming in hot.
- He was such a jerk to my mom.
And this is probably the most quality time he's ever spent with me.
I'm just sorry I never got a chance to let him know how I feel.
You could tell him now.
I don't think he's going anywhere.
There was never a moment I wasn't scared of you.
But when I see you like this I realize you're just a small, sad man.
And who knows, maybe you treated me so badly because someone else did the same thing to you.
Wow.
- That's really sweet.
- I'm not done.
Still you can suck my dick.
That would only be like the third worst thing I've seen in this bathtub.
So, I think I know the answer, but I've got to ask.
- Are you gonna tell on my parents? - No way.
I like your parents.
Besides, if they go to jail, you'll move away and then you'll miss me and I don't want that for you.
Right.
So I have a plan that might keep that from happening.
- I just need one thing.
- Anything.
Name it.
Whatever it is, I'll get it for you.
If I can't, I'll make it for you.
- A flashlight.
- Mine's broken.
Honestly.
Okay, today has obviously been intense and it's taking a toll on you.
We don't have time for this.
We have to get the body out of here by morning or the dogs will find it.
Honey, I just saw you stare at a picture of a beach and start crying.
We got married on a beach and you didn't cry.
I need you to let me take some of the weight off your shoulders.
Like about 200 pounds.
It's impossible.
You can't eat this much in one night.
It's the only way.
Dan will be in the one place they'll never look.
My stomach.
- How's it going in there? - He is a very hairy man.
Kinda slows me down.
You're good at that.
I'm just thinking of it as a very long face with toes.
Thank you.
"My pleasure" wouldn't quite apply here.
But you're welcome.
God I'm becoming my father.
I can't do it.
I can't finish him.
The dogs will be here pretty soon.
- We're going to jail and it's my fault.
- How is it your fault? I killed Dan.
I brought death into this house.
I'm the one that made killing seem normal.
And it is so not normal, Joel.
The way you've been acting today? I broke you.
I'm so sorry.
No.
You're not the one who needs to apologize.
I'm sorry, dude.
Jesus, I killed you and I'm saying, "Sorry, dude," like I just beat you at beer pong.
I saw the most beautiful sunrise this morning.
I've been appreciating a lot of things these past 24 hours.
Maybe 'cause I've realized you never know when your neighbor might kill you with a shovel.
But I don't have to tell half of you that.
I guess what I mean by "sorry, dude" is I'm sorry you're never gonna enjoy the smell of coffee again, or see the way the light dances on the wall, or go to another beach in Hawaii.
Life is short.
You've got to appreciate it in whatever time you have left.
Huh.
Thanks, Dan.
This was helpful.
- We're going to the beach! - What? We promised Abby we're gonna be a normal family and that's what we're doing, goddamn it.
Going to the beach? - That's right.
- It's a family day.
I wish there was more we could do to help with Dan.
But we'll be thinking about him.
Oh, let me get that for you.
Mind if I grab a soda? Sorry, we don't drink sodas in this family, only milk.
- You're bringing milk to the beach? - Well, they don't have it there.
Hey! We found something.
It's in the garage.
- What do you think they found? - A guy like Dan? Could be anything.
Shall we? You're right.
This whole thing would have been easier with a garage.
Maybe.
But I kinda like having a home office.
Hey, murderers, let's go to the beach.
I really need a beer.
Dan was into all kinds of shit.
They found drugs, money, weapons, even a finger that belonged to that guy who went missing from your office.
- Gary? They think Dan killed Gary? - They don't have a motive yet, but having the guy's finger makes Dan pretty suspicious.
They did some digging, found out Dan was also connected to some gangster named Loki, who turns out was blackmailing him.
And now Loki is missing too.
They think Dan was stashing his stuff when someone came to grab him.
Happened so fast, he didn't even turn off his flashlight.
- Life is amazing.
- I know.
This is the best goddamn day ever.
We should get high and go to Magic Mountain.
We really do have to get better at this.
Oh, fuck.