Scream Queens (2015) s01e07 Episode Script
Beware of Young Girls
Previously on Scream Queens Once again, death came to Kappa House.
I want everything Chanel has, and that includes you.
If we're ever gonna find out what happened to that baby, we have to figure out who that woman was.
That got way out of hand.
He's got to go.
I think I figured out what my problem is.
I'm way too nice.
As soon as Chanel #2's parents learned that their daughter's dead body had been found, they went on a cruise to celebrate.
That's how much they hated this dead bitch.
So when it fell to me to host an open casket funeral and fulfill her dying wish of being cremated and shot into space, I was like, "Yeah, okay.
" So stupid.
This is what happens to sneaky backstabbers.
Just so you know, I took all your clothes.
It's too bad you had to die before we found out what ethnicity you are.
Godspeed, Chanel #2.
God, I loved porking you so much.
Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got exactly what was coming to her.
Chanel #2 literally never had my back.
Whenever I wanted to strut across campus or down a long hallway with the other Chanels, she'd always be like, "I have a colonic!" So instead of strutting across campus in a beautiful diamond formation, we were forced to strut across campus in a triad formation, like a bunch of hobos, because Number Two didn't think she should have to walk behind me.
But whenever I find myself descending a staircase in heels, you can bet Number Two was right there behind me with a helpful little nudge.
Oops, sorry, Chanel.
This dumb dead whore also used her high-ponied wiles to seduce my man into rubbing uglies with her.
So I hope you all grasp the concept that this is what happens when you rub uglies with my man You end up dead! So, have fun being dead, Number Two.
You were a stupid, little trollop, and I hope you're burning in hell right now.
Amen.
Amen! Now, I'd like to invite you all out to the driveway to the mobile crematorium for some light refreshments, courtesy of our friends at spaceburial.
today.
Thank you.
Chanel, are you in here? Go away! We just wanted to make sure you're okay.
We think it be good for you to open up and talk things out.
There's nothing left to talk about.
Number Two's soul is rotting in hell and her remains have been cremated and are on their way to Cape Canaveral! I just can't stop thinking about Number Two and Chad having sex.
I just find it so shocking that Chanel #2 would betray you like that.
Do you? Do you find it so shocking? Because you also tried to sleep with Chad, Number Six.
And you tried to frame me for murder! I mean, I went to jail because of you! I'm so sorry, Chanel.
I promise to never betray your trust again.
You most certainly won't betray my trust ever again, because you will never have my trust ever again! Look, we think you need to contact Number Two, and just give her a chance to do right by you.
What the hell are you talking about?! How?! Well, I found this old talking board in the basement.
Those things don't work! Yes, they do.
Didn't you see the movie? The movie Ouija? No! No one did! Tonight we're having a Chanel Night, where we heal all wounds among the Chanels, both living and dead.
We'll order in some duck sauce for our cotton balls and contact Chanel #2 so she can prove to you that she's sorry.
What do you say? This board looks evil.
What are you talking about It has two dancing demons, a dead old lady and cute little pentagrams.
Okay, so how is this supposed to work? We all put our hands on this thing called a planchette and promise not to move it.
Chanel #2's spirit will move it after we contact her.
What if Chanel #2 is busy getting Eiffel-Towered by Hitler and Satan? Let's just try it, okay? Chanel #2 It's Chanels 1, 3, 5 and #6 contacting you from beyond the grave Are you there, Chanel Number #2? Are you there? Oh, my God, it's working! We have to ask her a question only she would know the answer to.
Got it.
Chanel #2, does Chanel #5's vagina have teeth? You can't ask her that! It's her.
Also? I love this thing.
Okay, what should we ask her next? Are you moving it? No, are you? No, are you? I'm not moving it.
Uh, what's it spelling? C H A D.
Chad.
Chad? I S Is.
Chad is Cheating On-on you.
No, that-that can't be true.
He promised he'd be monogamous.
It's True.
It's not true! Chad promised! Chanel #2 is screwing with me from beyond the grave! Well, everyone in this room, sit up and take notice.
I am going to prove that bitch wrong! Hello? Who's this? No, I'm sorry, I don't know anyone by that name.
Yeah, I used to know and love someone by that name, but I've forced myself to forget that they exist, because they continuously let me down.
Yes, I am talking about you! What is wrong with you?! I told you to get rid of him! We are not kidnappers.
We are murderers, hell bent on revenge.
I told you this.
That is our brand, and if he's messing with it, he has to go! No.
I do not want to hear about how this is hard for you, okay? You know what's hard for me? Trying to cook coq Au vin while managing this whole years-in-the-making revenge plan without anyone's help! And since you guys are so clearly inefficient at killing everyone, I now have to come up with an overly elaborate plan to get the scent off of us, too.
Honey, I'm home! I have to go.
Now, will you please go kill some people? Hello, best boyfriend ever.
Hi.
Oh Who was that on the phone? Oh, no one.
Just some family drama.
Oh.
Shall we eat? I feel ridiculous.
Well, just come out so I can see.
First of all, the waist on these jeans is way too low.
And I feel like the jacket needs a fun pattern, like something the Fresh Prince of Bel Air would wear? Okay, look, my dad is a mega-dork and he's super into you, but I know him, and trust me, he's gonna start getting bummed about your clothes eventually.
Okay, I'm not totally sure you understand how fashion works.
In, like, five years, my clothes are gonna be super hip again.
Probably right, but if you really like my dad, you should be taking advice from the girl who knows him better than anyone in the world.
Hmm? It's pretty, huh? Is he still mad at me? You know, for not leaving campus? Mad? No.
No, no, no.
Worried? Yeah.
Is that what today is about? Are you trying to get some Dad Intel from me? Kind of.
Aw, I get it, hon.
And I'm very touched.
Not in my, not in my head.
Touched in my heart.
Look, I really like your dad.
Like his playlists.
I like the borderline-creepy way he looks out for you.
I like that he hasn't dated anyone in, like, 18 years and somehow makes it not seem really, super weird.
He's kind of the perfect guy.
And that guy deserves a girl who doesn't dress like Brenda Walsh.
Oh, who wears a white T-shirt? Everybody like, literally everybody wears white T-shirts.
Well, thanks for being cool with me.
I know this hasn't been easy on you.
Well, you know, I just like seeing my dad happy, so Hey, that reminds me, I know you and, uh, Pete have been doing some investigative reporting for the school paper.
Yeah.
Have you guys looked into Feather McCarthy? Yeah, she was a sister at Kappa a couple of years ago and ended up leaving the house.
But I remember there being a lot of drama surrounding her at the central office.
Pretty sure Dean Munsch was involved.
Do you think this girl could have a vendetta against Kappa house? Oh, I would be more interested to know her thoughts about Dean Munsch.
Hey! You know what would look great with this top? Like, a neon leather jacket with huge shoulder pads! It's really weird.
I haven't been inside here in a while.
Feather, we wanted to ask you some questions about Dean Munsch.
She did it.
Whatever it is, she was involved somehow.
That woman is friggin' nuts.
I made the mistake of crossing her, and it got dark.
What happened? Well, it was two years ago that I met her husband, Dr.
Munsch, and we sort of became involved.
He was my Beatles 101 professor.
She told me she worked in the morning And started to laugh I told her I didn't And crawled off to sleep in the bath And when I awoke I was alone, this bird had flown So I lit a fire Isn't it good Norwegian wood.
I love that song.
Well, normally I don't perform for my students.
But Feather, you are such a strong woman.
I love the way you challenge me in the classroom.
I mean, he wasn't really attractive at all, but I mean, he was the Beatles professor.
So we started having sex.
Not all the time.
He was in his mid-50s, so he could only get it up, like, once or twice a week.
When he broke the news to Dean Munsch, she went crazy.
Cathy, I want a divorce.
Feather and I are in love.
I knew then that she was going to come after me.
She kicked Dr.
Munsch out of the house, and he had to move in to Kappa House.
Pink.
Tell us something you learned this week about what it means to be a woman.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Um Everywhere I'd go, she'd just be there, dressed exactly like me.
Dean Munsch pulled some strings, and got me kicked out of Kappa House.
I couldn't show my face on campus, so I've been finishing up my education online.
After the divorce went through, Steven got his house back, and he asked me to move in with him.
But listen to this.
A week later, I was home alone with period cramps, so I decided to take a bubble bath.
Steven had this old iPod thing that you plug in, and it picks up music from the air.
A transistor radio.
That's how the old dean died.
A transistor fell in her bathtub.
Feather.
Are you saying that you believe Dean Munsch is capable of murder? Yes.
We're now working on a story about how Dean Munsch is behind all the murders on campus.
Are you willing to go on record as a source? You bet I am.
Baby, I'm home.
I picked up your Metamucil in that orange flavor that you like.
Hey, did you spill ketchup in the shape of an arrow on the floor? But my heart just won't buy it If I didn't think it was worth a try I'd roll up in a big ball And die I've been a puppet A pauper A pawn and a queen Honey? And I know one thing Stephen? I find myself layin' Flat on my face I just pick myself up And get back in the race That's life, I can't deny it I thought of quittin', but my heart Just won't buy it If I didn't think it was worth a try I'd roll up in a big ball And die! Chad! Chad Radwell! I spoke to dead Chanel #2, and you and I need to have a frank conversation.
Chad? Chad, it's me.
Chad? Chanel, this is not what it looks like! Are you having sex with a goat? We had a promise, Chad.
You looked me in the eye and promised me you would try to be monogamous! Uh, yeah, huh-doi, Chanel, I have been monogamous.
Yes, I've looked at a ton of porn, yes, I've been rubbing one out every five to ten minutes.
But, no, Chanel, I have not cheated on you.
Liar! Chanel #2 told me from beyond the grave that you were cheating, and then I catch you in bed with a farm animal! Hey, she is not a "farm animal.
" Her name is Rammy, and she is a non-human helper companion! What? I am leaving.
I am breaking up with you.
Good-bye, Chad.
Chanel! You are gonna close that door, and you're gonna hear me out.
This is the sound of my soul You have 30 seconds.
Always slippin' from my hands My whole life, I've lived with a secret shame.
And that secret shame is that I'm lactose intolerant.
This is insane.
No, it's not insane, Chanel.
Lactose intolerance afflicts around 50% of the human population, who spend their entire lives walking past Baskin Robbins knowing that if they even have a little bit of ice cream, they're gonna fart a bunch.
And if you weren't so ignorant, and you cracked a book every once in a while, you would know that goat's milk, it's lactose free.
And if I gently rub Rammy's belly for eight to ten minutes, she will relax enough to allow milking that could yield up to two liters of nutritious, lactose free protein that keeps this bod looking hot, Chanel.
Oh, Chad, I'm so sorry! I mean, that makes so much sense.
I'm so sorry I doubted you.
I promise I'll never let dead Number Two's messages get between us again.
She's clearly trying to break us up from beyond the grave! Look, you just can't let dead people get to you.
Okay, they're super pissed off they're dead, so they're coming from a place of anger.
I know.
Look, if it makes you feel any better we can totally bang if you want.
That would be so nice.
Oh, um, I got to milk Rammy first.
She's super relaxed right now, and that udder is, like, bursting.
I mean, I knew I had had one hurricane too many, but let's be honest, one hurricane is one hurricane too many.
But so drunk that you fall down the stairs in your own apartment? Wow.
I've been to your apartment.
Uh, you don't have any stairs.
Well, that shows you how drunk I was.
I hallucinated a flight of stairs.
Um, this-this is awkward because, you know, we're kind of friends.
Oh, no, no, no.
When my mouth has been where it's been on your body, I think we can safely say we are more than kind of friends.
Yeah, of course.
The thing is, you see, we've been investigating these murders on campus, and it's been really hard for us to connect them because we haven't been able to find a real motive.
Oh, well, keep your chin up.
I'm sure you'll figure something out.
Ow.
Right.
Uh, the thing is, I kind of think we have.
Hmm.
Look, this is super awkward, but someone killed and dismembered your ex-husband last night, and they put his head in a fish tank.
Please tell me they killed that bitch, Feather, too.
No.
She's fine, but me and the guys down at the station, we're pretty sure you did it.
I'm sorry? I mean, you have motive, no one actually saw you at the White Stallion last night, and you have all of the markings of someone who's been in a fight.
And since the murder was so brutal, it kind of makes sense that you might be behind all the recent killings.
So, like, I'm sorry, but you're under arrest.
Okay.
Come on.
Now, I'm not playing.
Seriously, you're under arrest.
Yeah, I know.
Come on over.
I'm serious.
Stand up.
Come make me.
No, stand up.
You're under arrest! Backup! Backup! What?! Oh, come on! Get her, boys.
Come on, seriously? Are you sure this is really necessary? If you really are the Red Devil Killer, then you're exceptionally nuts.
This is for our safety.
I mean, look at this.
She is the only suspect who could have been at every murder site.
The only one that gets tricky is the one in the house when my dad and Gigi got attacked.
Yeah, but according to the Dickie Dollar Scholars, there were two Red Devils, so it could have easily been her henchman.
Look, she was involved in the cover-up 20 years ago, she has openly stated her hatred for Kappa, so motive is clearly not an issue.
And there's been no new killings since they arrested her.
Look, if we use your amazing chart as art for the story, I feel very comfortable with this headline.
I was going to write, "Hottest Girl in School Figures Out Who the Killer Is," but it was too long.
I mean, I can't believe we did it.
I can't believe this is really over.
I mean there are still so many questions to answer, you know, like, where is the baby and why did Dean Munsch decide to start doing this now, but I don't know, at least we know we're all safe again.
Grace.
You know how after the first time we kissed, you said we could not keep making out until we found who the killer was.
That's true.
You know, we couldn't waste time kissing when people were in danger.
But now they're no longer in danger.
I mean, you said it yourself.
Did I? Well, then, I guess circumstances have changed.
Um, I I should Can that just Sorry, sorry.
Please, yeah, yeah.
Uh, hello? Oh, um, okay.
Okay.
See you soon.
That was Dean Munsch calling from the mental hospital.
She said she needs to see us tomorrow.
Place is much nicer than I thought it'd be.
We don't show visitors the gross parts of the hospital.
It's too upsetting for them.
Isn't it also upsetting for the patients? Nah.
They don't care.
They're nuts.
Dean Munsch is this way.
Dean Munsch? Ah.
Grace, Peter, how lovely of you to visit.
Please, pull up a chair.
I was just doing a little sketching.
Designing formal wear is an old hobby of mine.
With the running of the school, I just haven't had a minute to sketch at all.
Look what I've been able to accomplish with a little free time.
Wait, you like it here? Mm.
This needs ice.
Therapy twice a day.
Plenty of time to rest and dream again, you know.
No booze, obviously, but the meds are divine.
The little blue ones make you feel like your organs are floating in a warm bath.
Mm.
I mean, Picasso over there, she's been here 30 years.
She can leave whenever she wants.
She knows it doesn't get any better than this.
She likes to paint the patients.
I paint them all.
I'm sorry, I just don't understand why you called us down here.
Look, I know Detective Chisolm.
And he's a nice man, but he's lazy.
He thinks this case is solved, but it's not.
And I know you two are crackerjack investigative reporters, and if I give you an acorn, you're not gonna rest until it is a giant tree.
And I'm not gonna rest until Feather is hanging from a noose from its highest branch, executed by the state for the crime of murdering my ex-husband.
You think Feather killed him? Oh, I know she did.
And I wouldn't be surprised if she had something to do with the other killings going on around here.
The girl is trouble.
She always has been.
You know, I knew she was no good as soon as I saw her in that bathtub.
I don't trust a girl with a huge bush of pubic hair.
Makes me think she has something to hide.
You mean when you tried to electrocute her? Here's the thing, Dean.
We already did our story on the death of your ex-husband, and it all led to you.
And now the story that we're working on is about what happened to that baby.
Well, okay.
You want to play quid pro quo, Clarice? Then you run along and you look into Feather for me.
And when you bring back the dirt on her, then I'll tell you about the little baby.
Lunchtime.
Really? Nurse, I specifically told you I cannot eat deli meats.
The sulfites in them send me into anaphylactic shock.
No salami and certainly no bologna! Really! It's a lawsuit! So do we have an agreement? We do.
Excellent.
Fine.
I'll be your lackey, but just because we want that info on that baby.
And I want you to know that I think you killed them all, and I hope you get the electric chair for it.
Come on.
Pete.
Hey.
Oh.
Um, wow.
You work fast.
I paint them all.
Well, thanks.
Hey.
How did you get Chisolm to give you all these? I threatened to file a Freedom of Information Act suit.
Mm.
Doesn't that take a long time to go through? Yeah, but I told him it would mean weeks of paperwork and a trip or two down to the courthouse, so he just handed me the key to his file cabinet.
It's amazing, Dean Munsch is right.
He's seriously the laziest detective of all time.
Look.
What is that? Looks like a half-eaten sandwich.
"Investigators found a half-eaten sandwich "covered in bloody fingerprints near the lower right leg "of the departed Dr.
Munsch.
"Fingerprints were obscured by gloves, "but considering that the blood on the bread "was Dr.
Munsch's and that his hand "was found clear across the room "and without any gloves on, investigators surmise that the killer made a sandwich after murdering Dr.
Munsch.
" Does it say what kind of sandwich it was? Um Bologna.
Dean Munsch said she'd go into shock if she ate boloney.
Which means she couldn't have made and eaten the sandwich.
Which means she couldn't have killed her ex-husband.
Which means the killer is still out there.
Oh, my God, do you think she's right and it's Feather? We need to get some of Feather's DNA and compare it to the DNA on the boloney sandwich.
Her toothbrush.
It must still be at the crime scene, right? Let's go.
If she really is the killer, then she could strike again at any time.
Means none of us are safe.
Let's go.
Chanel #2, we're contacting you from beyond the grave.
Again.
Are you there, Chanel #2? Hi.
Chanel #2, it's Chanel.
I've frickin' had it with you! Thanks a bunch for lying and saying that Chad was cheating on me with a goat, when in reality, he has a disability and needs healthful, lactose-free goat's milk.
Technically, she just said that he was cheating, but she never said anything about a goat.
Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to a dead girl! Chanel #2, if this is really you, use your magical dead powers to tell me how many tampons I have in my purse.
Oh, my God! She is right.
She is right.
Why do you have nine tampons? How big is your cooch? Chanel #2, if it's really you, use your special dead telepathy to answer a question no one knows the answer to but me.
When I was two, what breakfast cereal did I accidentally breathe into my lungs and nearly die? Oh, my God, it's moving.
I X Dix? You choked on Dix? Kix! I choked on Kix.
It's real.
She knew.
Okay, guys, I really think we should stop, because this is really, really freaking me out.
No, hooker! We're not stopping.
If this really is Chanel #2, then she'll know the answer to the real question.
Chanel #2, who's killing everybody? She says you are.
That's it! I am done with this dead, lying bitch! I'm done with you, Number Two! Have fun in hell going to dinner with Osama bin Laden.
Get in here.
Close the door.
Chanel #2 is telling us the truth from beyond the grave.
Chanel is the killer.
But, I mean, can we really trust a satanic talking board? It knew how many tampons.
Talking boards tend not to hold up in court.
Even if it did, there's no jail that can hold her.
Last time we sent her to jail, she immediately got bailed out.
I mean, yeah, by me, but No one is safe.
She's onto us.
She is the killer, and she is gonna come after us.
There's only one solution.
Flee? No! We have to kill Chanel.
Okay.
So we're all agreed Chanel has to die.
- Right? - Right.
Yeah, okay, I guess.
But the question is: how? We have to be super sneaky about it, because if we're not, she'll smell a rat and kill us first.
- I say we poison her bras.
- What? We soak all of her bras in poison, and then once they dry and she puts one on, we're like, "Chanel, there's a new Barneys Co-op down the street.
Hurry.
" And then she'll put one on, and she'll start running, and she'll start to sweat, and then the poison will seep through her nips and kill her.
That's a horrible idea! Okay.
How about this? We take all of Chanel's diamonds and we crush them into a powder, and then we have a sugar party where everyone eats bowls of sugar.
Except Chanel's bowl isn't filled with sugar, it's powdered diamonds that slice open her esophagus and kill her from the inside.
What the hell is a sugar party? Okay, who just sits around eating bowls of sugar? And how do you even crush a diamond? It's, like, the hardest substance on Earth.
Shut up, Number Five.
It's a great idea.
You're just pissed you didn't think of it.
Think of what? What's a great idea? Nothing, Chanel.
We were just talking about throwing a sugar party.
Oh, where everyone just eats bowls of sugar? Yeah, I love those.
Love it.
Has anyone seen my Prunex? I'm not feeling well.
What's Prunex? It's a liquid laxative, Number Five! Some of us with souls, who aren't friendless psychopaths, find that the stress of having a mass-murderer on campus makes them slightly irregular.
Now, I'm taking some Prunex and I'm going to bed! Here it is.
Hmm.
Good night, sluts.
We're doing it.
Tonight.
Once the Prunex knocks her out cold, we're murdering Chanel.
You.
What are you doing here? Hey, Chanel.
It's Chanel #2.
Yeah, I know who you are.
I asked what you're doing here.
I thought you were dead.
I am dead.
I'm burning in hell.
I came back from the grave to apologize to you.
What? Seriously? That's right.
See, despite what you've heard, hell sucks; it's not fun.
Yes, there are waterslides, but they're lined with razor blades and you splash down into a pool of boiling pee.
Also, zero dinosaurs.
There's no dinosaurs? No.
As soon as I got there, I was like, "Where are the dinosaurs?" And they were like, "We know.
Jesus broke in and stole them.
" Also, do you know what my job is? I have to pick food out of Uday and Qusay Hussein's beards - with my teeth for the rest of eternity.
- Ew.
So yesterday I marched right up to the front desk and I'm like, "What do I have to do to get to Heaven?" And do you know what Carl Sagan said to me? That I had to make things right with you, Chanel.
So that's what I'm here to do.
The truth is, I always admired you.
I'm sorry I never told you.
I guess I was just intimidated by your beauty and intelligence.
And I'm sorry I had sex with Chad Radwell.
I was just jealous.
I wanted what you had, and I really needed my tube packed.
Well, why did you use that satanic talking board to tell everyone he cheated on me and that I was the killer? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I was just probably in a bad mood 'cause Adolf Hitler was motor-boating my boobs.
Well, thank you, Chanel #2.
I accept your apology.
And I'm sorry you got murdered and are dead.
There's something else I should tell you, something important.
The other Chanels are gonna try to murder you, Chanel.
They're gonna try to murder you tonight.
What? They're on their way back from the mall with a bowling ball they're gonna use to bash your skull in as soon as you pass out from your Prunex.
Well, looks like I'll have to kill them first.
No! Be the bigger person! These girls need you.
Kappa House needs you.
Now rise up and be the leader I know you can be.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I just, I just get a little faint when I see blood.
All right, let's go.
Which one do you think is hers? The pink one.
It looks newer.
Old people toothbrushes are always super worn down and have that rubber tip thing at the end.
Okay.
so now we have to give this to the cops so we can compare the DNA and wait for the results.
All right, all right, all right.
A perfect DNA match.
That is what the lab said.
The person that used this toothbrush is the same person that bit into that boloney sandwich.
I should have figured it out myself.
It always bugged me why someone would go through all that effort to make a sandwich and not finish it.
It's pretty suspicious behavior.
So the DNA on that toothbrush and the sandwich definitely belongs to Feather? Without a doubt, she killed him.
And I guess all of that killing and dismembering and pretending that it wasn't her made her hungry But not that hungry.
If she would only have had a bigger appetite, she might have gotten away with it.
Anyway, great work guys.
The force owes you one.
The whole campus does, I suppose.
Clearly Feather McCarthy is our Red Devil.
But what about Dean Munsch? Oh, Mommy's home.
I was released as soon as Feather was arrested.
I'm sorry I didn't get to see her dragged away in chains.
I heard she cried like a little bitch.
Do you really think she's responsible for all of the killings on campus? And how is she related to what happened here in 1995? Well, I can't be sure, but what I do know is that Feather McCarthy is Feather McNutty.
I did a little digging, and it turns out that Feather had a Web site called "ILoveBologna.
org".
And she's what a psychiatrist friend of mine refers to as a "capicolaphilist" which is not, as I thought, someone who's turned on by the sight and feel of lunch meats but, more disgustingly, someone who's turned on by someone who pronounces bologna the way it's spelled "bow-log-na.
" That is what we down at the station like to call an "orgy of evidence.
" Mmm.
Now, we don't actually have a motive that ties her to all the other recent killings, but, you know, statistically speaking, the chances that there is a woman capable of murdering and dismembering her boyfriend and then a whole other crazy, creative killer on one campus at the same time are pretty slim.
I didn't run the numbers, but they'd have to be, right? Yes.
And thanks to you two go-getters, order has not just been restored It has been improved! Hold on.
What? We had a deal.
Tell me what happened to the baby.
And how Feather is related to all this.
No way she's the killer if she doesn't have a connection.
Come to my office alone.
Next week.
Next week? I'm running an institution of higher learning and designing dresses for awards season.
Give me a break.
I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I know what you three are up to.
You're plotting to murder me.
What? No! Chanel, that's insane.
I would sooner kill my own mother.
Can it, manatees! I know the truth because I'm smarter than all of you.
What I'm curious about is what, exactly, is taking so long? - We couldn't agree on how to do it.
- âShh! Shut up, number three.
Well, what method were you leaning towards? We were going to put rat poison in your Prunex.
But I was worried you'd taste it and know you'd been poisoned and run to the hospital.
See, this is why you turdlets need me.
You're not even competent enough to kill one lousy sorority co-president.
Newsflash, felchers: Rat poison only works because rodents don't have a gag reflex.
If you gave a human rat poison, they would immediately puke it all up, So not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier.
I'm so sorry, Chanel.
It was stupid to try to murder you.
We only did it because we thought that you were the killer! I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and chalk this attempted murder up to youthful enthusiasm.
And I'm sorry, too.
You're not the only ones who think I could be a better leader.
Chanel #2 appeared to me last night in a prunex fever dream and said essentially the same thing.
So in an effort to buy back your friendship, I got you all presents.
We are gonna use these Nancy Drew-looking sleuthing caps and enormous magnifying glasses and catch the killer as a team.
But they already caught the killer.
Trust me.
That Feather didn't kill anyone.
She's too stupid.
When I first met her, she asked me what my name was and then asked me what her name was.
Wait, if Feather's not the killer, who is? There are two killers, and their names are Grace and Zayday.
I'll remind you that this killing spree began when those two walked into this house.
They're trying to bring down this sorority and steal our hot, popular boyfriends.
The four of us are gonna expose those sluts for the killers they are and restore order to Kappa Kappa Tau.
Do I make myself clear, you whores? Good.
Beware of young girls Who come to the door Wistful and pale Of 20-and-four Delivering daisies With delicate hands Munsch: I'm not gonna lie.
I'm feeling good.
Beware of young girls And not because that little bitch feather is going to prison After killing my ex-husband.
I'm feeling good because she's going to prison after not killing him.
Feather didn't kill my hubby.
I did.
With a serial killer on the loose, it was perfect timing.
I knew the murder would probably just get lumped in with all the others.
And with the cops desperate to stop the killer before he killed again, I knew they'd be sloppy with the evidence.
She admired my wedding ring She was my friend, my friend, my friend Oh, I had the bologna idea years ago, when a cherubic little co-ed wandered into my office.
I think that I should get at least three credit hours of foreign language because my family just summered in Bologna.
Do you know where Bologna is? It's in Italy.
Bologna's amazing.
Bologna's my favorite.
I love bologna.
Bologna, bologna, bologna.
I could go on about bologna all day long.
You know, if you love bologna so much, why don't you start a blog about it? I could definitely get you some class credit for that.
That's a really good idea! Thank you! You're welcome.
I thought her motives were sincere, oh, yes You know, dean munsch, you're really lucky.
Your husband is really cute.
Bye! She admired my own sweet man We were friends, oh, yes, we were Munsch: Sorry, Feather, but you messed with the wrong dean of students I didn't do it! You have to believe me! No, no, no, no! Please! Please, I'm innocent! I loved him! I loved him! Munsch: Here's to young girls getting what they had coming to them.
Wistful and pale You know what they say "Nothing tastes as good as revenge feels.
" Actually, they don't say it.
I just sort of made that up.
But here's something they do say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
" You can't do this! Please! No! No! No, no, no.
Was so cute, but you know me.
I've got to stay focused.
I cannot have him Oh, Zayday! Are you hungry, 'cause I'm hungry.
Beware of young girls Beware of young girls.
Beware
I want everything Chanel has, and that includes you.
If we're ever gonna find out what happened to that baby, we have to figure out who that woman was.
That got way out of hand.
He's got to go.
I think I figured out what my problem is.
I'm way too nice.
As soon as Chanel #2's parents learned that their daughter's dead body had been found, they went on a cruise to celebrate.
That's how much they hated this dead bitch.
So when it fell to me to host an open casket funeral and fulfill her dying wish of being cremated and shot into space, I was like, "Yeah, okay.
" So stupid.
This is what happens to sneaky backstabbers.
Just so you know, I took all your clothes.
It's too bad you had to die before we found out what ethnicity you are.
Godspeed, Chanel #2.
God, I loved porking you so much.
Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got exactly what was coming to her.
Chanel #2 literally never had my back.
Whenever I wanted to strut across campus or down a long hallway with the other Chanels, she'd always be like, "I have a colonic!" So instead of strutting across campus in a beautiful diamond formation, we were forced to strut across campus in a triad formation, like a bunch of hobos, because Number Two didn't think she should have to walk behind me.
But whenever I find myself descending a staircase in heels, you can bet Number Two was right there behind me with a helpful little nudge.
Oops, sorry, Chanel.
This dumb dead whore also used her high-ponied wiles to seduce my man into rubbing uglies with her.
So I hope you all grasp the concept that this is what happens when you rub uglies with my man You end up dead! So, have fun being dead, Number Two.
You were a stupid, little trollop, and I hope you're burning in hell right now.
Amen.
Amen! Now, I'd like to invite you all out to the driveway to the mobile crematorium for some light refreshments, courtesy of our friends at spaceburial.
today.
Thank you.
Chanel, are you in here? Go away! We just wanted to make sure you're okay.
We think it be good for you to open up and talk things out.
There's nothing left to talk about.
Number Two's soul is rotting in hell and her remains have been cremated and are on their way to Cape Canaveral! I just can't stop thinking about Number Two and Chad having sex.
I just find it so shocking that Chanel #2 would betray you like that.
Do you? Do you find it so shocking? Because you also tried to sleep with Chad, Number Six.
And you tried to frame me for murder! I mean, I went to jail because of you! I'm so sorry, Chanel.
I promise to never betray your trust again.
You most certainly won't betray my trust ever again, because you will never have my trust ever again! Look, we think you need to contact Number Two, and just give her a chance to do right by you.
What the hell are you talking about?! How?! Well, I found this old talking board in the basement.
Those things don't work! Yes, they do.
Didn't you see the movie? The movie Ouija? No! No one did! Tonight we're having a Chanel Night, where we heal all wounds among the Chanels, both living and dead.
We'll order in some duck sauce for our cotton balls and contact Chanel #2 so she can prove to you that she's sorry.
What do you say? This board looks evil.
What are you talking about It has two dancing demons, a dead old lady and cute little pentagrams.
Okay, so how is this supposed to work? We all put our hands on this thing called a planchette and promise not to move it.
Chanel #2's spirit will move it after we contact her.
What if Chanel #2 is busy getting Eiffel-Towered by Hitler and Satan? Let's just try it, okay? Chanel #2 It's Chanels 1, 3, 5 and #6 contacting you from beyond the grave Are you there, Chanel Number #2? Are you there? Oh, my God, it's working! We have to ask her a question only she would know the answer to.
Got it.
Chanel #2, does Chanel #5's vagina have teeth? You can't ask her that! It's her.
Also? I love this thing.
Okay, what should we ask her next? Are you moving it? No, are you? No, are you? I'm not moving it.
Uh, what's it spelling? C H A D.
Chad.
Chad? I S Is.
Chad is Cheating On-on you.
No, that-that can't be true.
He promised he'd be monogamous.
It's True.
It's not true! Chad promised! Chanel #2 is screwing with me from beyond the grave! Well, everyone in this room, sit up and take notice.
I am going to prove that bitch wrong! Hello? Who's this? No, I'm sorry, I don't know anyone by that name.
Yeah, I used to know and love someone by that name, but I've forced myself to forget that they exist, because they continuously let me down.
Yes, I am talking about you! What is wrong with you?! I told you to get rid of him! We are not kidnappers.
We are murderers, hell bent on revenge.
I told you this.
That is our brand, and if he's messing with it, he has to go! No.
I do not want to hear about how this is hard for you, okay? You know what's hard for me? Trying to cook coq Au vin while managing this whole years-in-the-making revenge plan without anyone's help! And since you guys are so clearly inefficient at killing everyone, I now have to come up with an overly elaborate plan to get the scent off of us, too.
Honey, I'm home! I have to go.
Now, will you please go kill some people? Hello, best boyfriend ever.
Hi.
Oh Who was that on the phone? Oh, no one.
Just some family drama.
Oh.
Shall we eat? I feel ridiculous.
Well, just come out so I can see.
First of all, the waist on these jeans is way too low.
And I feel like the jacket needs a fun pattern, like something the Fresh Prince of Bel Air would wear? Okay, look, my dad is a mega-dork and he's super into you, but I know him, and trust me, he's gonna start getting bummed about your clothes eventually.
Okay, I'm not totally sure you understand how fashion works.
In, like, five years, my clothes are gonna be super hip again.
Probably right, but if you really like my dad, you should be taking advice from the girl who knows him better than anyone in the world.
Hmm? It's pretty, huh? Is he still mad at me? You know, for not leaving campus? Mad? No.
No, no, no.
Worried? Yeah.
Is that what today is about? Are you trying to get some Dad Intel from me? Kind of.
Aw, I get it, hon.
And I'm very touched.
Not in my, not in my head.
Touched in my heart.
Look, I really like your dad.
Like his playlists.
I like the borderline-creepy way he looks out for you.
I like that he hasn't dated anyone in, like, 18 years and somehow makes it not seem really, super weird.
He's kind of the perfect guy.
And that guy deserves a girl who doesn't dress like Brenda Walsh.
Oh, who wears a white T-shirt? Everybody like, literally everybody wears white T-shirts.
Well, thanks for being cool with me.
I know this hasn't been easy on you.
Well, you know, I just like seeing my dad happy, so Hey, that reminds me, I know you and, uh, Pete have been doing some investigative reporting for the school paper.
Yeah.
Have you guys looked into Feather McCarthy? Yeah, she was a sister at Kappa a couple of years ago and ended up leaving the house.
But I remember there being a lot of drama surrounding her at the central office.
Pretty sure Dean Munsch was involved.
Do you think this girl could have a vendetta against Kappa house? Oh, I would be more interested to know her thoughts about Dean Munsch.
Hey! You know what would look great with this top? Like, a neon leather jacket with huge shoulder pads! It's really weird.
I haven't been inside here in a while.
Feather, we wanted to ask you some questions about Dean Munsch.
She did it.
Whatever it is, she was involved somehow.
That woman is friggin' nuts.
I made the mistake of crossing her, and it got dark.
What happened? Well, it was two years ago that I met her husband, Dr.
Munsch, and we sort of became involved.
He was my Beatles 101 professor.
She told me she worked in the morning And started to laugh I told her I didn't And crawled off to sleep in the bath And when I awoke I was alone, this bird had flown So I lit a fire Isn't it good Norwegian wood.
I love that song.
Well, normally I don't perform for my students.
But Feather, you are such a strong woman.
I love the way you challenge me in the classroom.
I mean, he wasn't really attractive at all, but I mean, he was the Beatles professor.
So we started having sex.
Not all the time.
He was in his mid-50s, so he could only get it up, like, once or twice a week.
When he broke the news to Dean Munsch, she went crazy.
Cathy, I want a divorce.
Feather and I are in love.
I knew then that she was going to come after me.
She kicked Dr.
Munsch out of the house, and he had to move in to Kappa House.
Pink.
Tell us something you learned this week about what it means to be a woman.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Um Everywhere I'd go, she'd just be there, dressed exactly like me.
Dean Munsch pulled some strings, and got me kicked out of Kappa House.
I couldn't show my face on campus, so I've been finishing up my education online.
After the divorce went through, Steven got his house back, and he asked me to move in with him.
But listen to this.
A week later, I was home alone with period cramps, so I decided to take a bubble bath.
Steven had this old iPod thing that you plug in, and it picks up music from the air.
A transistor radio.
That's how the old dean died.
A transistor fell in her bathtub.
Feather.
Are you saying that you believe Dean Munsch is capable of murder? Yes.
We're now working on a story about how Dean Munsch is behind all the murders on campus.
Are you willing to go on record as a source? You bet I am.
Baby, I'm home.
I picked up your Metamucil in that orange flavor that you like.
Hey, did you spill ketchup in the shape of an arrow on the floor? But my heart just won't buy it If I didn't think it was worth a try I'd roll up in a big ball And die I've been a puppet A pauper A pawn and a queen Honey? And I know one thing Stephen? I find myself layin' Flat on my face I just pick myself up And get back in the race That's life, I can't deny it I thought of quittin', but my heart Just won't buy it If I didn't think it was worth a try I'd roll up in a big ball And die! Chad! Chad Radwell! I spoke to dead Chanel #2, and you and I need to have a frank conversation.
Chad? Chad, it's me.
Chad? Chanel, this is not what it looks like! Are you having sex with a goat? We had a promise, Chad.
You looked me in the eye and promised me you would try to be monogamous! Uh, yeah, huh-doi, Chanel, I have been monogamous.
Yes, I've looked at a ton of porn, yes, I've been rubbing one out every five to ten minutes.
But, no, Chanel, I have not cheated on you.
Liar! Chanel #2 told me from beyond the grave that you were cheating, and then I catch you in bed with a farm animal! Hey, she is not a "farm animal.
" Her name is Rammy, and she is a non-human helper companion! What? I am leaving.
I am breaking up with you.
Good-bye, Chad.
Chanel! You are gonna close that door, and you're gonna hear me out.
This is the sound of my soul You have 30 seconds.
Always slippin' from my hands My whole life, I've lived with a secret shame.
And that secret shame is that I'm lactose intolerant.
This is insane.
No, it's not insane, Chanel.
Lactose intolerance afflicts around 50% of the human population, who spend their entire lives walking past Baskin Robbins knowing that if they even have a little bit of ice cream, they're gonna fart a bunch.
And if you weren't so ignorant, and you cracked a book every once in a while, you would know that goat's milk, it's lactose free.
And if I gently rub Rammy's belly for eight to ten minutes, she will relax enough to allow milking that could yield up to two liters of nutritious, lactose free protein that keeps this bod looking hot, Chanel.
Oh, Chad, I'm so sorry! I mean, that makes so much sense.
I'm so sorry I doubted you.
I promise I'll never let dead Number Two's messages get between us again.
She's clearly trying to break us up from beyond the grave! Look, you just can't let dead people get to you.
Okay, they're super pissed off they're dead, so they're coming from a place of anger.
I know.
Look, if it makes you feel any better we can totally bang if you want.
That would be so nice.
Oh, um, I got to milk Rammy first.
She's super relaxed right now, and that udder is, like, bursting.
I mean, I knew I had had one hurricane too many, but let's be honest, one hurricane is one hurricane too many.
But so drunk that you fall down the stairs in your own apartment? Wow.
I've been to your apartment.
Uh, you don't have any stairs.
Well, that shows you how drunk I was.
I hallucinated a flight of stairs.
Um, this-this is awkward because, you know, we're kind of friends.
Oh, no, no, no.
When my mouth has been where it's been on your body, I think we can safely say we are more than kind of friends.
Yeah, of course.
The thing is, you see, we've been investigating these murders on campus, and it's been really hard for us to connect them because we haven't been able to find a real motive.
Oh, well, keep your chin up.
I'm sure you'll figure something out.
Ow.
Right.
Uh, the thing is, I kind of think we have.
Hmm.
Look, this is super awkward, but someone killed and dismembered your ex-husband last night, and they put his head in a fish tank.
Please tell me they killed that bitch, Feather, too.
No.
She's fine, but me and the guys down at the station, we're pretty sure you did it.
I'm sorry? I mean, you have motive, no one actually saw you at the White Stallion last night, and you have all of the markings of someone who's been in a fight.
And since the murder was so brutal, it kind of makes sense that you might be behind all the recent killings.
So, like, I'm sorry, but you're under arrest.
Okay.
Come on.
Now, I'm not playing.
Seriously, you're under arrest.
Yeah, I know.
Come on over.
I'm serious.
Stand up.
Come make me.
No, stand up.
You're under arrest! Backup! Backup! What?! Oh, come on! Get her, boys.
Come on, seriously? Are you sure this is really necessary? If you really are the Red Devil Killer, then you're exceptionally nuts.
This is for our safety.
I mean, look at this.
She is the only suspect who could have been at every murder site.
The only one that gets tricky is the one in the house when my dad and Gigi got attacked.
Yeah, but according to the Dickie Dollar Scholars, there were two Red Devils, so it could have easily been her henchman.
Look, she was involved in the cover-up 20 years ago, she has openly stated her hatred for Kappa, so motive is clearly not an issue.
And there's been no new killings since they arrested her.
Look, if we use your amazing chart as art for the story, I feel very comfortable with this headline.
I was going to write, "Hottest Girl in School Figures Out Who the Killer Is," but it was too long.
I mean, I can't believe we did it.
I can't believe this is really over.
I mean there are still so many questions to answer, you know, like, where is the baby and why did Dean Munsch decide to start doing this now, but I don't know, at least we know we're all safe again.
Grace.
You know how after the first time we kissed, you said we could not keep making out until we found who the killer was.
That's true.
You know, we couldn't waste time kissing when people were in danger.
But now they're no longer in danger.
I mean, you said it yourself.
Did I? Well, then, I guess circumstances have changed.
Um, I I should Can that just Sorry, sorry.
Please, yeah, yeah.
Uh, hello? Oh, um, okay.
Okay.
See you soon.
That was Dean Munsch calling from the mental hospital.
She said she needs to see us tomorrow.
Place is much nicer than I thought it'd be.
We don't show visitors the gross parts of the hospital.
It's too upsetting for them.
Isn't it also upsetting for the patients? Nah.
They don't care.
They're nuts.
Dean Munsch is this way.
Dean Munsch? Ah.
Grace, Peter, how lovely of you to visit.
Please, pull up a chair.
I was just doing a little sketching.
Designing formal wear is an old hobby of mine.
With the running of the school, I just haven't had a minute to sketch at all.
Look what I've been able to accomplish with a little free time.
Wait, you like it here? Mm.
This needs ice.
Therapy twice a day.
Plenty of time to rest and dream again, you know.
No booze, obviously, but the meds are divine.
The little blue ones make you feel like your organs are floating in a warm bath.
Mm.
I mean, Picasso over there, she's been here 30 years.
She can leave whenever she wants.
She knows it doesn't get any better than this.
She likes to paint the patients.
I paint them all.
I'm sorry, I just don't understand why you called us down here.
Look, I know Detective Chisolm.
And he's a nice man, but he's lazy.
He thinks this case is solved, but it's not.
And I know you two are crackerjack investigative reporters, and if I give you an acorn, you're not gonna rest until it is a giant tree.
And I'm not gonna rest until Feather is hanging from a noose from its highest branch, executed by the state for the crime of murdering my ex-husband.
You think Feather killed him? Oh, I know she did.
And I wouldn't be surprised if she had something to do with the other killings going on around here.
The girl is trouble.
She always has been.
You know, I knew she was no good as soon as I saw her in that bathtub.
I don't trust a girl with a huge bush of pubic hair.
Makes me think she has something to hide.
You mean when you tried to electrocute her? Here's the thing, Dean.
We already did our story on the death of your ex-husband, and it all led to you.
And now the story that we're working on is about what happened to that baby.
Well, okay.
You want to play quid pro quo, Clarice? Then you run along and you look into Feather for me.
And when you bring back the dirt on her, then I'll tell you about the little baby.
Lunchtime.
Really? Nurse, I specifically told you I cannot eat deli meats.
The sulfites in them send me into anaphylactic shock.
No salami and certainly no bologna! Really! It's a lawsuit! So do we have an agreement? We do.
Excellent.
Fine.
I'll be your lackey, but just because we want that info on that baby.
And I want you to know that I think you killed them all, and I hope you get the electric chair for it.
Come on.
Pete.
Hey.
Oh.
Um, wow.
You work fast.
I paint them all.
Well, thanks.
Hey.
How did you get Chisolm to give you all these? I threatened to file a Freedom of Information Act suit.
Mm.
Doesn't that take a long time to go through? Yeah, but I told him it would mean weeks of paperwork and a trip or two down to the courthouse, so he just handed me the key to his file cabinet.
It's amazing, Dean Munsch is right.
He's seriously the laziest detective of all time.
Look.
What is that? Looks like a half-eaten sandwich.
"Investigators found a half-eaten sandwich "covered in bloody fingerprints near the lower right leg "of the departed Dr.
Munsch.
"Fingerprints were obscured by gloves, "but considering that the blood on the bread "was Dr.
Munsch's and that his hand "was found clear across the room "and without any gloves on, investigators surmise that the killer made a sandwich after murdering Dr.
Munsch.
" Does it say what kind of sandwich it was? Um Bologna.
Dean Munsch said she'd go into shock if she ate boloney.
Which means she couldn't have made and eaten the sandwich.
Which means she couldn't have killed her ex-husband.
Which means the killer is still out there.
Oh, my God, do you think she's right and it's Feather? We need to get some of Feather's DNA and compare it to the DNA on the boloney sandwich.
Her toothbrush.
It must still be at the crime scene, right? Let's go.
If she really is the killer, then she could strike again at any time.
Means none of us are safe.
Let's go.
Chanel #2, we're contacting you from beyond the grave.
Again.
Are you there, Chanel #2? Hi.
Chanel #2, it's Chanel.
I've frickin' had it with you! Thanks a bunch for lying and saying that Chad was cheating on me with a goat, when in reality, he has a disability and needs healthful, lactose-free goat's milk.
Technically, she just said that he was cheating, but she never said anything about a goat.
Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to a dead girl! Chanel #2, if this is really you, use your magical dead powers to tell me how many tampons I have in my purse.
Oh, my God! She is right.
She is right.
Why do you have nine tampons? How big is your cooch? Chanel #2, if it's really you, use your special dead telepathy to answer a question no one knows the answer to but me.
When I was two, what breakfast cereal did I accidentally breathe into my lungs and nearly die? Oh, my God, it's moving.
I X Dix? You choked on Dix? Kix! I choked on Kix.
It's real.
She knew.
Okay, guys, I really think we should stop, because this is really, really freaking me out.
No, hooker! We're not stopping.
If this really is Chanel #2, then she'll know the answer to the real question.
Chanel #2, who's killing everybody? She says you are.
That's it! I am done with this dead, lying bitch! I'm done with you, Number Two! Have fun in hell going to dinner with Osama bin Laden.
Get in here.
Close the door.
Chanel #2 is telling us the truth from beyond the grave.
Chanel is the killer.
But, I mean, can we really trust a satanic talking board? It knew how many tampons.
Talking boards tend not to hold up in court.
Even if it did, there's no jail that can hold her.
Last time we sent her to jail, she immediately got bailed out.
I mean, yeah, by me, but No one is safe.
She's onto us.
She is the killer, and she is gonna come after us.
There's only one solution.
Flee? No! We have to kill Chanel.
Okay.
So we're all agreed Chanel has to die.
- Right? - Right.
Yeah, okay, I guess.
But the question is: how? We have to be super sneaky about it, because if we're not, she'll smell a rat and kill us first.
- I say we poison her bras.
- What? We soak all of her bras in poison, and then once they dry and she puts one on, we're like, "Chanel, there's a new Barneys Co-op down the street.
Hurry.
" And then she'll put one on, and she'll start running, and she'll start to sweat, and then the poison will seep through her nips and kill her.
That's a horrible idea! Okay.
How about this? We take all of Chanel's diamonds and we crush them into a powder, and then we have a sugar party where everyone eats bowls of sugar.
Except Chanel's bowl isn't filled with sugar, it's powdered diamonds that slice open her esophagus and kill her from the inside.
What the hell is a sugar party? Okay, who just sits around eating bowls of sugar? And how do you even crush a diamond? It's, like, the hardest substance on Earth.
Shut up, Number Five.
It's a great idea.
You're just pissed you didn't think of it.
Think of what? What's a great idea? Nothing, Chanel.
We were just talking about throwing a sugar party.
Oh, where everyone just eats bowls of sugar? Yeah, I love those.
Love it.
Has anyone seen my Prunex? I'm not feeling well.
What's Prunex? It's a liquid laxative, Number Five! Some of us with souls, who aren't friendless psychopaths, find that the stress of having a mass-murderer on campus makes them slightly irregular.
Now, I'm taking some Prunex and I'm going to bed! Here it is.
Hmm.
Good night, sluts.
We're doing it.
Tonight.
Once the Prunex knocks her out cold, we're murdering Chanel.
You.
What are you doing here? Hey, Chanel.
It's Chanel #2.
Yeah, I know who you are.
I asked what you're doing here.
I thought you were dead.
I am dead.
I'm burning in hell.
I came back from the grave to apologize to you.
What? Seriously? That's right.
See, despite what you've heard, hell sucks; it's not fun.
Yes, there are waterslides, but they're lined with razor blades and you splash down into a pool of boiling pee.
Also, zero dinosaurs.
There's no dinosaurs? No.
As soon as I got there, I was like, "Where are the dinosaurs?" And they were like, "We know.
Jesus broke in and stole them.
" Also, do you know what my job is? I have to pick food out of Uday and Qusay Hussein's beards - with my teeth for the rest of eternity.
- Ew.
So yesterday I marched right up to the front desk and I'm like, "What do I have to do to get to Heaven?" And do you know what Carl Sagan said to me? That I had to make things right with you, Chanel.
So that's what I'm here to do.
The truth is, I always admired you.
I'm sorry I never told you.
I guess I was just intimidated by your beauty and intelligence.
And I'm sorry I had sex with Chad Radwell.
I was just jealous.
I wanted what you had, and I really needed my tube packed.
Well, why did you use that satanic talking board to tell everyone he cheated on me and that I was the killer? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I was just probably in a bad mood 'cause Adolf Hitler was motor-boating my boobs.
Well, thank you, Chanel #2.
I accept your apology.
And I'm sorry you got murdered and are dead.
There's something else I should tell you, something important.
The other Chanels are gonna try to murder you, Chanel.
They're gonna try to murder you tonight.
What? They're on their way back from the mall with a bowling ball they're gonna use to bash your skull in as soon as you pass out from your Prunex.
Well, looks like I'll have to kill them first.
No! Be the bigger person! These girls need you.
Kappa House needs you.
Now rise up and be the leader I know you can be.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I just, I just get a little faint when I see blood.
All right, let's go.
Which one do you think is hers? The pink one.
It looks newer.
Old people toothbrushes are always super worn down and have that rubber tip thing at the end.
Okay.
so now we have to give this to the cops so we can compare the DNA and wait for the results.
All right, all right, all right.
A perfect DNA match.
That is what the lab said.
The person that used this toothbrush is the same person that bit into that boloney sandwich.
I should have figured it out myself.
It always bugged me why someone would go through all that effort to make a sandwich and not finish it.
It's pretty suspicious behavior.
So the DNA on that toothbrush and the sandwich definitely belongs to Feather? Without a doubt, she killed him.
And I guess all of that killing and dismembering and pretending that it wasn't her made her hungry But not that hungry.
If she would only have had a bigger appetite, she might have gotten away with it.
Anyway, great work guys.
The force owes you one.
The whole campus does, I suppose.
Clearly Feather McCarthy is our Red Devil.
But what about Dean Munsch? Oh, Mommy's home.
I was released as soon as Feather was arrested.
I'm sorry I didn't get to see her dragged away in chains.
I heard she cried like a little bitch.
Do you really think she's responsible for all of the killings on campus? And how is she related to what happened here in 1995? Well, I can't be sure, but what I do know is that Feather McCarthy is Feather McNutty.
I did a little digging, and it turns out that Feather had a Web site called "ILoveBologna.
org".
And she's what a psychiatrist friend of mine refers to as a "capicolaphilist" which is not, as I thought, someone who's turned on by the sight and feel of lunch meats but, more disgustingly, someone who's turned on by someone who pronounces bologna the way it's spelled "bow-log-na.
" That is what we down at the station like to call an "orgy of evidence.
" Mmm.
Now, we don't actually have a motive that ties her to all the other recent killings, but, you know, statistically speaking, the chances that there is a woman capable of murdering and dismembering her boyfriend and then a whole other crazy, creative killer on one campus at the same time are pretty slim.
I didn't run the numbers, but they'd have to be, right? Yes.
And thanks to you two go-getters, order has not just been restored It has been improved! Hold on.
What? We had a deal.
Tell me what happened to the baby.
And how Feather is related to all this.
No way she's the killer if she doesn't have a connection.
Come to my office alone.
Next week.
Next week? I'm running an institution of higher learning and designing dresses for awards season.
Give me a break.
I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I know what you three are up to.
You're plotting to murder me.
What? No! Chanel, that's insane.
I would sooner kill my own mother.
Can it, manatees! I know the truth because I'm smarter than all of you.
What I'm curious about is what, exactly, is taking so long? - We couldn't agree on how to do it.
- âShh! Shut up, number three.
Well, what method were you leaning towards? We were going to put rat poison in your Prunex.
But I was worried you'd taste it and know you'd been poisoned and run to the hospital.
See, this is why you turdlets need me.
You're not even competent enough to kill one lousy sorority co-president.
Newsflash, felchers: Rat poison only works because rodents don't have a gag reflex.
If you gave a human rat poison, they would immediately puke it all up, So not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier.
I'm so sorry, Chanel.
It was stupid to try to murder you.
We only did it because we thought that you were the killer! I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and chalk this attempted murder up to youthful enthusiasm.
And I'm sorry, too.
You're not the only ones who think I could be a better leader.
Chanel #2 appeared to me last night in a prunex fever dream and said essentially the same thing.
So in an effort to buy back your friendship, I got you all presents.
We are gonna use these Nancy Drew-looking sleuthing caps and enormous magnifying glasses and catch the killer as a team.
But they already caught the killer.
Trust me.
That Feather didn't kill anyone.
She's too stupid.
When I first met her, she asked me what my name was and then asked me what her name was.
Wait, if Feather's not the killer, who is? There are two killers, and their names are Grace and Zayday.
I'll remind you that this killing spree began when those two walked into this house.
They're trying to bring down this sorority and steal our hot, popular boyfriends.
The four of us are gonna expose those sluts for the killers they are and restore order to Kappa Kappa Tau.
Do I make myself clear, you whores? Good.
Beware of young girls Who come to the door Wistful and pale Of 20-and-four Delivering daisies With delicate hands Munsch: I'm not gonna lie.
I'm feeling good.
Beware of young girls And not because that little bitch feather is going to prison After killing my ex-husband.
I'm feeling good because she's going to prison after not killing him.
Feather didn't kill my hubby.
I did.
With a serial killer on the loose, it was perfect timing.
I knew the murder would probably just get lumped in with all the others.
And with the cops desperate to stop the killer before he killed again, I knew they'd be sloppy with the evidence.
She admired my wedding ring She was my friend, my friend, my friend Oh, I had the bologna idea years ago, when a cherubic little co-ed wandered into my office.
I think that I should get at least three credit hours of foreign language because my family just summered in Bologna.
Do you know where Bologna is? It's in Italy.
Bologna's amazing.
Bologna's my favorite.
I love bologna.
Bologna, bologna, bologna.
I could go on about bologna all day long.
You know, if you love bologna so much, why don't you start a blog about it? I could definitely get you some class credit for that.
That's a really good idea! Thank you! You're welcome.
I thought her motives were sincere, oh, yes You know, dean munsch, you're really lucky.
Your husband is really cute.
Bye! She admired my own sweet man We were friends, oh, yes, we were Munsch: Sorry, Feather, but you messed with the wrong dean of students I didn't do it! You have to believe me! No, no, no, no! Please! Please, I'm innocent! I loved him! I loved him! Munsch: Here's to young girls getting what they had coming to them.
Wistful and pale You know what they say "Nothing tastes as good as revenge feels.
" Actually, they don't say it.
I just sort of made that up.
But here's something they do say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
" You can't do this! Please! No! No! No, no, no.
Was so cute, but you know me.
I've got to stay focused.
I cannot have him Oh, Zayday! Are you hungry, 'cause I'm hungry.
Beware of young girls Beware of young girls.
Beware