Sealab 2021 (2000) s01e07 Episode Script
Little Orphan Angry
1 If you're looking for me.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
No, I got him set up in Pod Six.
That way, he's close to Med Lab.
In case.
.
he needs a doctor.
What's he got? It's not a liver disease, is it? I don't know! I just know he's dying, inside! Oh, cara mia, it's so very sad! 'Cause healthy teen liver equals mo-nay!! I got a distributor in Dublin, he's payin' top punt for new livers.
To think he's only got a few weeks to live! Ay, madre mia, pobrecito nene.
.
What're you blubbering about? Remember Griffin, the little sick boy? From the Final Request Foundation? Final what? - The Final Request Foundation.
The charity that sends terminally ill children on - A dying kid?? Aww, man!! Is it the Plague? No, it's - - It's the Plague, isn't it? No, it's - - It'll spread like wildfire!! Oh, we're doomed!! No.
It's not contagious.
But he is dying.
So, we must do all we can to make him happy.
Yes, happy.
Okay.
I'll, I'll go put some cedar chips in the Dumpster for him to sleep on.
You must be Griffin! Welcome to Sealab, mi amigo! Boy, we're gonna have great fun! I hope you brought a big bag of smiles! Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Ohh, oh.
.
Hey, little dying guy! You like swimming? Afraid not, sir.
My incredibly rare disease makes it far too dangerous - That's great!! 'Cause we're gonna be doing lots of swimming! Stormy, shut up.
And Griff, meet Oliver, your special Sealab buddy! Right.
.
I'll just show you on up to your room.
"Griff," was it? Attention all personnel.
The black death is coming.
The black death is coming! The great pestilence is finally upon us! Repent! Repent! "Grifting" Griff MacGuire! I haven't seen you since the orphanage burned down! I thought that can of petrol was gonna blow up in my hand! Oh ho ho ho, oh, and the nuns were burning! Oh, good times So, what's all this dyin' rot? Pure genius! I pretend I'm terminal, and those saps at Final Request send me anywhere in the world! It's cushier than being the Pope! Oh, that's brilliant! But, if you're "dead" - Aliases, mate! And, different diseases.
Here's one o' my faves.
.
Second-hand smoke made me sick inside unggggh Oh ho ho ho, ohh yeah, throat cancer! It's the biggest con since Genghis! Travelling's brilliant! I met the Justice League, went to Dollywood - And now Sealab.
I smell an angle.
Smack on, Ollie! I need Sealab's powerful off-shore computers, because I have got complete access to the Foundation's online bank accounts.
Ka-ching! Their entire fortune is now hidden in my numbered Swiss account.
Just like the Nazis! - Ich bin impressed! Yeah, O'Reilly, as soon as he kicks, okay? Don't sweat it, 'cause everything on this end is prepped for the harvest.
Eeeyah, derry-o, Faith and Begorrah! Sure'n we're prayin' for a bumper crop! Now, uhh, what about the wee lad's gall bladder? Sorry, Paddy.
I'm pickling that for my Thai guy.
Aphrodisiac.
Ohh, the heathens.
Sparks! Big idea! Pizza party for Griff! Everybody gets to make-a their own-a piz-za pie! Choose their own toppings, ooh! And I'll put on a puppet show! - Aagh!! Aaagh!! What're you doing?? You looked at the sick kid! You're probably teeming with Plague juice! Now, strip down, and let me get to your buboes! And you simply must go to Dollywood.
It's the coolest place I've ever - Hey, are you the dying kid? I uhh, I, uhh, uhh, I, uhh.
.
You stutter, too? Could you have worse luck? Well, at least you won't have to deal with it in high school, hah.
Anyhoo, you're signed up to go diving before you, um.
.
die.
Ciao! Crikey! She was absolutely poured into that wetsuit! Yeah, she's a real juicy little pudding.
Ohhh! We're right above Sealab now, Mr.
Brock.
Uh, you're sure Final Request is gonna pay for all this, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that Griffin punk is really gonna pay.
Nobody, I mean nobody, gets a free ride on the Final Request Foundation.
Unless they're actually dying, right? Oh, he's gonna die.
Crikey! Is it always so bleedin' cold, in here? That, my sick little non-friend, is probably just the cold, stale breath of the Reaper, blowing down your neck.
Beg your pardon, sir? The Plague, boy! Yersinia pestis! You're riddled with it! I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats! I - I don't have Bubonic Plague, sir.
Yeah, you twit.
He ain't even sick! It's a con! A con? Yes, sir, I'm grifting Final Request.
Are you going to turn me in, or what? Naww, screw those jerks.
Plus.
.
y'know, I love scaring the crew! Say, who's up for a ride in the Murphmobile, huh? Hehh! Ummm.
.
no thanks.
.
I'm good.
Sweet! Aw, you're gonna love it! Wheeeeee!! Hah hah hah!! Is this great or what? Shouldn't we slow down?? Prob-ab-leeeeeee!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!! Eeyow.
.
ooh, I think my ankle's broken! Get your arm outta there, boy! - Ow.
.
oh.
.
- - Got the driveshaft all gibbered! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! - Hey, you're killin' him, you stupid git! Ooh.
.
ahh.
.
- Hold on.
I've got an idea.
AAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! That's got 'er! I'm gonna sue your bleeding head off! Heeeey.
Hey, hey, son! That's no way to talk to somebody who could.
.
ehh.
.
turn you in for fraud.
You win this round, old man! Duh! That Murphy's a daft old bird, i'n't he? Barking.
Hey, there's a rare old sea tortoise lives near here.
Not for long.
Lead on! I'm comin' for ya, Griff! I'm comin' for ya! Ha-ha-hah! Great Shaq! It's Brock, the accountant from the Foundation! He's finally tracked me down.
Come on out, Griff.
It's time for your shot! Griff! You gotta do something! Maybe this'll work.
I learned it from Aquaman of the Justice League.
Using his telekinetic powers, Griff summons the vicious moray eel.
What in the - Well, well, well.
If it isn't Brock.
I haven't seen you since that messy business in Pigeon Forge.
Griff, you gotta help me, my, my leg's trapped! Ohh, please! - Just a sec.
I'm drinking in the irony of it all.
O-kay.
Well, whatever you do, don't use my grenade-tipped spear gun down there, to shoot those rocks up there! Okay? Okay.
.
? Splendid idea, splllllendid! Noo, nooo! I, I said don't do that! Listen Griff, I won't tell nobody.
For God's sakes, please!! Hush-hush.
Got any.
.
final requests? Don't kill me? Ahahahahahahahahahahahah! No.
Put him out of my misery, would you? Griff! I got a wife and 18 kids!! Hellllllp.
.
- Hahahaha, aw, Brock, we hardly knew ya! Ya dead bastard.
That was close! Time to fold up shop, Ollie.
Can you help me fake my death? Here's the plan.
.
Ow! Ollieeeee! So long old chum.
Heh-heh! "Chum.
" And can you round up a piñata somewhere? For the pizza party.
Yeah, yeah! A piñata! Fulla treats! Where the heck am I supposed to find all this stuff?? We'll swipe it from those jerks in Pod Six! Hey.
Griff's dead.
What?? - Who? He.
.
he's gone?? Yeah.
A big shark, gobbled him up.
Just chomped, and gobbled.
What?? Are, are there any major organs left?? Ay, mi madre! Ay, estoy muy triste! He was so full of life - and, and disease, too - but, ohhhh!! I loved him so much!! Oh, Griff!! What a tragedy!! Oh please, Marco, will you just shut your cry hole? Ohh And I.
.
kinda.
.
had my heart set on that.
.
pizza.
.
party.
Well.
.
we do have all the fixin's.
.
Yaaaaaayyyyy! I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
No, I got him set up in Pod Six.
That way, he's close to Med Lab.
In case.
.
he needs a doctor.
What's he got? It's not a liver disease, is it? I don't know! I just know he's dying, inside! Oh, cara mia, it's so very sad! 'Cause healthy teen liver equals mo-nay!! I got a distributor in Dublin, he's payin' top punt for new livers.
To think he's only got a few weeks to live! Ay, madre mia, pobrecito nene.
.
What're you blubbering about? Remember Griffin, the little sick boy? From the Final Request Foundation? Final what? - The Final Request Foundation.
The charity that sends terminally ill children on - A dying kid?? Aww, man!! Is it the Plague? No, it's - - It's the Plague, isn't it? No, it's - - It'll spread like wildfire!! Oh, we're doomed!! No.
It's not contagious.
But he is dying.
So, we must do all we can to make him happy.
Yes, happy.
Okay.
I'll, I'll go put some cedar chips in the Dumpster for him to sleep on.
You must be Griffin! Welcome to Sealab, mi amigo! Boy, we're gonna have great fun! I hope you brought a big bag of smiles! Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Ohh, oh.
.
Hey, little dying guy! You like swimming? Afraid not, sir.
My incredibly rare disease makes it far too dangerous - That's great!! 'Cause we're gonna be doing lots of swimming! Stormy, shut up.
And Griff, meet Oliver, your special Sealab buddy! Right.
.
I'll just show you on up to your room.
"Griff," was it? Attention all personnel.
The black death is coming.
The black death is coming! The great pestilence is finally upon us! Repent! Repent! "Grifting" Griff MacGuire! I haven't seen you since the orphanage burned down! I thought that can of petrol was gonna blow up in my hand! Oh ho ho ho, oh, and the nuns were burning! Oh, good times So, what's all this dyin' rot? Pure genius! I pretend I'm terminal, and those saps at Final Request send me anywhere in the world! It's cushier than being the Pope! Oh, that's brilliant! But, if you're "dead" - Aliases, mate! And, different diseases.
Here's one o' my faves.
.
Second-hand smoke made me sick inside unggggh Oh ho ho ho, ohh yeah, throat cancer! It's the biggest con since Genghis! Travelling's brilliant! I met the Justice League, went to Dollywood - And now Sealab.
I smell an angle.
Smack on, Ollie! I need Sealab's powerful off-shore computers, because I have got complete access to the Foundation's online bank accounts.
Ka-ching! Their entire fortune is now hidden in my numbered Swiss account.
Just like the Nazis! - Ich bin impressed! Yeah, O'Reilly, as soon as he kicks, okay? Don't sweat it, 'cause everything on this end is prepped for the harvest.
Eeeyah, derry-o, Faith and Begorrah! Sure'n we're prayin' for a bumper crop! Now, uhh, what about the wee lad's gall bladder? Sorry, Paddy.
I'm pickling that for my Thai guy.
Aphrodisiac.
Ohh, the heathens.
Sparks! Big idea! Pizza party for Griff! Everybody gets to make-a their own-a piz-za pie! Choose their own toppings, ooh! And I'll put on a puppet show! - Aagh!! Aaagh!! What're you doing?? You looked at the sick kid! You're probably teeming with Plague juice! Now, strip down, and let me get to your buboes! And you simply must go to Dollywood.
It's the coolest place I've ever - Hey, are you the dying kid? I uhh, I, uhh, uhh, I, uhh.
.
You stutter, too? Could you have worse luck? Well, at least you won't have to deal with it in high school, hah.
Anyhoo, you're signed up to go diving before you, um.
.
die.
Ciao! Crikey! She was absolutely poured into that wetsuit! Yeah, she's a real juicy little pudding.
Ohhh! We're right above Sealab now, Mr.
Brock.
Uh, you're sure Final Request is gonna pay for all this, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that Griffin punk is really gonna pay.
Nobody, I mean nobody, gets a free ride on the Final Request Foundation.
Unless they're actually dying, right? Oh, he's gonna die.
Crikey! Is it always so bleedin' cold, in here? That, my sick little non-friend, is probably just the cold, stale breath of the Reaper, blowing down your neck.
Beg your pardon, sir? The Plague, boy! Yersinia pestis! You're riddled with it! I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats! I - I don't have Bubonic Plague, sir.
Yeah, you twit.
He ain't even sick! It's a con! A con? Yes, sir, I'm grifting Final Request.
Are you going to turn me in, or what? Naww, screw those jerks.
Plus.
.
y'know, I love scaring the crew! Say, who's up for a ride in the Murphmobile, huh? Hehh! Ummm.
.
no thanks.
.
I'm good.
Sweet! Aw, you're gonna love it! Wheeeeee!! Hah hah hah!! Is this great or what? Shouldn't we slow down?? Prob-ab-leeeeeee!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!! Eeyow.
.
ooh, I think my ankle's broken! Get your arm outta there, boy! - Ow.
.
oh.
.
- - Got the driveshaft all gibbered! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! - Hey, you're killin' him, you stupid git! Ooh.
.
ahh.
.
- Hold on.
I've got an idea.
AAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! That's got 'er! I'm gonna sue your bleeding head off! Heeeey.
Hey, hey, son! That's no way to talk to somebody who could.
.
ehh.
.
turn you in for fraud.
You win this round, old man! Duh! That Murphy's a daft old bird, i'n't he? Barking.
Hey, there's a rare old sea tortoise lives near here.
Not for long.
Lead on! I'm comin' for ya, Griff! I'm comin' for ya! Ha-ha-hah! Great Shaq! It's Brock, the accountant from the Foundation! He's finally tracked me down.
Come on out, Griff.
It's time for your shot! Griff! You gotta do something! Maybe this'll work.
I learned it from Aquaman of the Justice League.
Using his telekinetic powers, Griff summons the vicious moray eel.
What in the - Well, well, well.
If it isn't Brock.
I haven't seen you since that messy business in Pigeon Forge.
Griff, you gotta help me, my, my leg's trapped! Ohh, please! - Just a sec.
I'm drinking in the irony of it all.
O-kay.
Well, whatever you do, don't use my grenade-tipped spear gun down there, to shoot those rocks up there! Okay? Okay.
.
? Splendid idea, splllllendid! Noo, nooo! I, I said don't do that! Listen Griff, I won't tell nobody.
For God's sakes, please!! Hush-hush.
Got any.
.
final requests? Don't kill me? Ahahahahahahahahahahahah! No.
Put him out of my misery, would you? Griff! I got a wife and 18 kids!! Hellllllp.
.
- Hahahaha, aw, Brock, we hardly knew ya! Ya dead bastard.
That was close! Time to fold up shop, Ollie.
Can you help me fake my death? Here's the plan.
.
Ow! Ollieeeee! So long old chum.
Heh-heh! "Chum.
" And can you round up a piñata somewhere? For the pizza party.
Yeah, yeah! A piñata! Fulla treats! Where the heck am I supposed to find all this stuff?? We'll swipe it from those jerks in Pod Six! Hey.
Griff's dead.
What?? - Who? He.
.
he's gone?? Yeah.
A big shark, gobbled him up.
Just chomped, and gobbled.
What?? Are, are there any major organs left?? Ay, mi madre! Ay, estoy muy triste! He was so full of life - and, and disease, too - but, ohhhh!! I loved him so much!! Oh, Griff!! What a tragedy!! Oh please, Marco, will you just shut your cry hole? Ohh And I.
.
kinda.
.
had my heart set on that.
.
pizza.
.
party.
Well.
.
we do have all the fixin's.
.
Yaaaaaayyyyy! I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!