She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e07 Episode Script
Can't Keep a Dead Man Down (1)
(GASPS) (CHOKING) Hungry.
(BURPS) Hungry.
Bye-bye.
(WHISPERS) It's unbelievable.
It's bad news.
I can tell.
Tell it to us straight.
We can take it.
It can't be true.
Who died? I did.
I died and went to heaven, Aunt Elsa.
Have you been drinking? That was Monumental Pictures in Hollywood, Dad.
They want to buy my book.
Your textbook? He's been drinking.
Fright and Fraud: An Ethno-biocentric Morphogenesis of the Mephisto Fallacy? You mean Satan's Sex Slaves.
We did a rewrite.
The producer has left Los Angeles.
He should be here tomorrow.
And I owe it all to you, Aunt Elsa.
If you hadn't helped me jazz it up, it would be just another forgotten academic treatise.
How thrilling! How weird.
How much? The money isn't important.
Do you realize what this could do for my career? Let's get back to the money.
This could launch me out of academic obscurity and into the public eye.
I wouldn't be just another mythology professor, I'd be a celebrity.
Like Carl Sagan, Jonas Salk, Norman Cousins.
Daffy Duck.
Daffy This could really put the university on the map.
Students would enroll just to be on the same campus as the great scholar, Dr.
Lan Matheson.
But what sort of advance are we talking about? It was a textbook.
It is a probing, intellectual exploration of evil that bridges the boundary between academia and popular literature.
Something to read in the privy, besides the post.
Dad! There's something not right about this.
Only that it hasn't happened much sooner.
So everybody get ready.
Our lives are about to change.
MAN ON TV: Say, hallelujah.
Your eternal soul will be revitalized.
(SINGING) She's lucky, lucky Lucky, lucky, lucky Well, like it? Don't you have any respect? Your husband's barely cold in the grave, and you dress up like the whore of the Pentagon.
Well, it's black, isn't it? And it's the whore of Babylon.
Sorry.
Guess I don't know as much about whoring as you.
Too bad John wasn't more of a man, then I wouldn't have had to learn.
Don't you dare talk like that about my son.
Let's face it, Mother dear, John's loafers would never have touched the ground Lies! if he hadn't been tied down with your apron strings.
You ungrateful bitch! After he left you this house And you as a roommate.
Some inheritance.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and find something your beloved son could never give me.
You'll burn in hell.
(LAUGHS) Hi, honey, I'm home.
(SCREAMS) Yes, I will definitely need a corner office.
And a leather couch is an absolute must.
I think I'll put my private bath over there.
That's the department library.
Every university has a library, Randi.
How many have the world's most acclaimed mythologist? Don't you think you're getting just a little bit ahead of yourself.
Yes, you're right.
I'll simply switch offices with the department chairman instead.
I mean, it's too big for her anyway.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEVENS: Dr.
Matheson, can I have a word with you? That was quick.
The news must have traveled fast.
I wonder if she brought her keys.
Do come in, Dr.
Stevens.
Chairman Stevens.
What an unexpected pleasure.
You know, before I came here, my life was meaningless.
But your book It's given me a reason to go on living.
I think I'm going to tell all my friends that they have to take your class.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Dr.
Matheson, do you remember a conversation we had before I left for my sabbatical? Was that the one in which you told me I must either publish a book or find a new job before you returned from the Middle East? That's the one.
Then this (CLEARS THROAT) must be the book.
I'm familiar with it.
IAN: I wasn't sure.
It's not expected to show up on the bestseller charts until next Sunday.
Not only am I familiar with your book, but I consider it a disgrace to this department and to our profession.
A disgrace? But the critics say it popularizes mythology, makes it accessible to the common man.
So does the average Dracula movie.
But we're not in the business of popularization here, Dr.
Matheson.
We are scholars.
At least, most of us are.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
This is a work of scholarly research.
"She had felt tender caresses before, "but nothing as sweet as the gentle stroking of Satan's scaly claw.
" Funny.
I don't see a footnote explaining how you researched that.
It's called literature.
What I was trying to do was make the study of mythology less arcane, more understandable, more enjoyable.
Well, I think it's going to work.
No, it's not.
Because you're going to recall every copy.
But I couldn't do that, even if I wanted to.
Then I hope this book makes you very wealthy, because you won't be receiving a salary from this university anymore.
She didn't bring her keys.
I heard.
Did you hear her say I didn't know what I was talking about? I mean, she wouldn't know a mythological creature if she saw one.
She has.
You are not a monster.
Every month, I turn into a werewolf.
Ten years into that university, this is how they thank you.
Despicable.
I'm sure they'll come to their senses.
Forget it.
You'll be able to buy and sell those losers with your share of the opening weekend's box office.
Do you think so, Aunt Elsa? The opening weekend tallies for every horror film during the last 10 years.
What's your sudden interest in my son's financial status? A deep and abiding sense of family loyalty.
And 10 percent.
The best agents can command 15.
Why, you old hag! (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it.
Tell 'em we're all booked up.
Lan Matheson? Yes.
Charlie Beaudine.
Monumental Pictures.
Thanks.
My word, it's only 8:00! You couldn't have landed more than an hour ago.
To tell you the truth, I came directly from the airport.
I can't have those sharks at Universal beating me to the book of the decade.
"The book of the decade"? Really? What can I say? I read it and I was moved.
Of course, I was traveling 600 miles an hour over the Atlantic at the time.
(LAUGHS) You didn't actually read it until you got on the airplane? Actually, I just skimmed it.
But it was an in-depth and a very thoughtful skim.
I'm flattered.
The studio has big plans for this project, Matheson.
Big plans.
Big? Big.
How big? Stallone is reading the coverage of the summary.
That's big.
I had a Paramount spy on my tail.
Shook him off at Piccadilly Circus.
IAN: Welcome to London.
Come and meet the family.
Everybody, this is Charlie Beaudine, the producer I was telling you about.
I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.
We want a percentage of distributor's gross off the top, and moreover, we'd like very much (GROANS) Outstanding! Give the man a chance to say no first.
You worm! She's drunk.
She crazy.
In fact, she's a complete stranger.
Now, somebody call the police and get this lunatic removed.
Lan Randi! What a pleasant surprise.
Have you lost weight? Pig.
Is this any way to treat the man you love? Yes, is this any way to Wait a minute.
You make me sick.
Do you two know each other? Vaguely.
Intimately.
Oh, this is great.
(DOOR OPENS) My dead husband has risen from the grave! Professor, you've got to help me.
You're absolutely right.
What? Our ad says we investigate the supernatural.
I think this qualifies.
Well, he smells! I mean, he's rotting right in my house.
LILY: Come on, hurry up, now! We haven't got a second to waste.
Poor old Randi, she just can't take her liquor.
(GROANS) Nice to see you.
We'll chat first thing in the morning.
We'll do breakfast.
Come on now! (GROANING) So, I suppose you will be on one of those fancy corporate expense accounts? Triple platinum gold card.
Welcome to the Matheson Bed and Breakfast.
Thanks a lot.
We hope you enjoy your stay.
What is that smell? That's him.
That's my husband.
He's in the living room.
Interesting bit of irony there.
Look, could you please try to take this seriously? Why? I know better than to believe tabloid prattle like this " I married a zombie" story.
Then why are we here? To get you away from Charlie Beaudine before you screw up my deal.
Your deal? Oh, my God, you don't think (LILY SCREAMS) Hungry.
So much for tabloid prattle, huh? I could be wrong.
(SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERS) Hungry.
IAN: Randi! (GROWLS) Hungry.
(GROANS) Oh, yeah? Try me, huh.
I'm delicious.
Yummy, yum-yum.
Randi, don't.
Attaboy! Come on, it's chow time, baby.
(SCREAMS) (EXCLAIMS) Hungry.
ELSA: I pinned him down to the mat.
But he's trying to squirm out of the subsidiary rights.
The cad.
We haven't even discussed the merchandizing yet.
The weasel! And if he thinks he's getting anything before we've had a fat advance, he's not.
Do you know, I'm beginning to think he's more interested in Randi than he is in my book.
(CAR HONKING) Now IAN: Now this is more like it.
ELSA: I'll say.
What a marvelous morning.
I'm starved.
You haven't had breakfast yet, have you? I was saving myself.
Good thinking.
You're getting a bit of a gut there, champ.
You might be better off with a tasty vitamin shake.
In fact, why don't you have mine? What about the limo? Think she'll like it? You! I tried to be Mel Gibson, but I'm just too doggone handsome.
Get out of here before I kill you.
She never was a morning person.
Look, seriously.
I came to make amends.
I thought you came to buy my book for the movie.
I'm ambidextrous.
How can you even face me after what you did? What did he do? I'm a slug.
I'm a worm.
I'm a swine.
Keep going.
All I want is a chance to say I'm sorry and to show you how much I still care about you.
I mean, look at it from my point of view.
I would, but it's very hard to see anything from under a rock.
Look, you still have to have breakfast, right? Yeah.
Why not try a tasty vitamin shake? Why don't we discuss our differences over Dom in the limo? Caviar omelets at The Wellington? The Wellington? Double platinum gold card.
Triple platinum gold.
Triple platinum gold card? Yeah, I've come a long way from where I was.
From where we were.
I'm not the same guy.
I would really like a chance to prove that to you.
Well, I suppose a little champagne and caviar never hurt anybody.
I'll go pop the cork.
You don't wanna leave with him, that man is slime.
Isn't that the same man who wants to buy your book? Exactly.
Have you read it? I read the coverage of the summary.
Aren't you forgetting something? It's the '90s, darling, women can make their own decisions.
I'm talking about the living dead.
So can they.
How can you eat breakfast with him when you know there's a corpse walking the street? Because if I don't eat breakfast, there will be two corpses walking the street.
Maybe three if you don't let go of me.
Ciao.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Don't think some fancy brunch is gonna move you up the evolutionary scale.
I know how hard it's gonna be for you to forgive me.
Or a lousy bunch of roses.
I'm gonna have to regain your trust all over again.
Or a cheap bottle of wine.
And the only way for me to do that is to reveal to you my innermost feelings.
Or a bunch of smelly food.
But It's a good start.
RANDl: A little bit more.
Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT) Sir.
What will you be having? Oh, yes Right.
Toast.
Toast? Yes.
And water.
Water.
Tap water.
I feel like slumming it today.
You're succeeding.
It's quite simply the finest privately owned Babylonian artifact available in the United Kingdom today.
Or, I dare say, the world.
Don't exaggerate, Andre.
Looks like a paperweight.
I do assure you, Sir Robert, that this is a rarity of the highest caliber.
A genuine Assyro- Babylonian artifact.
Legend has it that it is one of three lightning bolts that crowned the staff of Gilgamesh.
Only two are known to be in existence today.
Legend has it.
That jacks the price up another million.
Don't be difficult, darling.
I've had my eye on this piece for six months.
You said the same thing about the Serbo-Croatian nutcracker.
A million two that cost me.
And what are you doing with it now? Makes a delightful paperweight.
(WHISTLES) Hey! (SCREAMS) Exquisite, isn't it? (SCREAMS) Halt! Go away, you horrible little man! (WOMAN SCREAMING) I say! Get out! Get out of here! And I've regretted it every day, every hour, every minute since.
Really? As I recall, your last words were, "I'm too young to die.
" CHARLIE: I was overwrought.
You were engaged to me.
I loved you, Charlie.
I loved our life together, I loved the future we were gonna have.
And then, you walked out on me.
And you took that all away.
When I looked at you, the only future I saw was a balding guy with a big paunch, three slobbering kids, and a paneled station wagon.
I wanted a Porsche, I wanted a Malibu Beach home.
I wanted triple platinum gold.
Well, you got what you wanted.
Yeah.
What I thought I wanted.
What I really wanted was you.
But by the time I realized that, you'd already gone.
How do you think I felt when I found out you'd flown off to England? Relieved? I don't know.
I thought if I got out of the country, then I could forget about you.
Did you? No.
(CRASHING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) (GROWLING) You! He's dead.
Again.
(SIRENS BLARING) Waiter, check please.
You sure know how to attract deadbeats.
(BELL RINGING) Gilgamesh! Gilgamesh! How could you? The police said the bandits made off with a lightning bolt from the staff of Gilgamesh.
Do you know what that means? I'm an adult.
I can make my own decisions.
I can see who I want, when I want.
Gilgamesh stole the staff, which was crowned with three golden lightning bolts, from Utnapishtim, the Lord of the Underworld, who ruled the dead with it.
I don't need your permission and I don't need you to chaperone me.
I'm your student.
That doesn't give you the right to interfere with my personal life.
Over the centuries, the staff was broken.
Two of the bolts have been found.
One is in the British Museum, and the other was just stolen.
Are you listening to me? Ah! Without all three lightning bolts, the staff could raise the dead, but not make them whole.
Someone has the staff of Gilgamesh.
I want to know why you were following me and I want to know now.
Randi, there are more important things Not to me, not now.
Why were you following me? It was a coincidence.
I go to The Wellington all the time.
You couldn't afford toast at The Wellington.
As it so happens, the toast at The Wellington is quite affordable.
And tasty, too.
Admit it.
You were spying on me.
I just didn't want you to get hurt.
Don't you see? He's just manipulating you to get a better deal on my book.
CHARLIE: News flash, bucko.
I came for Randi.
Your book just paid my airfare.
If you'll excuse me, I've got a date at the cemetery.
Fun guy.
Lan, wait! You didn't have to do that.
He's a big boy, he'll get over it.
You snake! You lied to him! You used him! Yeah, I did.
And I'd do it again.
What was I supposed to do, Randi? Call you? Write you a letter? You never would have seen me.
You haven't changed at all.
I've been wrong about a lot of things, but leaving you tops the list.
Must have been a big list.
It was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.
I shouldn't have tricked him.
Or me.
No, certainly not you.
I was desperate.
I love you.
And I would do anything to get you back.
(WIND HOWLING) (GASPS) Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Make yourself comfortable.
This is a delightful place.
Remind me not to get buried here.
Well, look at the bright side.
At least you wouldn't have to stay long.
Now, there were four corpses at the robbery scene, and all four were buried here in the last few weeks.
I'm sorry about your book.
I had no idea.
It's okay.
Probably would have made a lousy movie anyway.
But it's not important.
It is important to me.
And I know it is to you.
I'd never do anything to hurt you, you know.
I know.
I also know that somebody is raising the dead.
And if my hunch is right, whoever is responsible is gonna need replacements.
If it gets any colder, he's gonna have to raise us.
(CLEARS THROAT) (CLEARS THROAT) (CHAIN RATTLING) So, why didn't you ever tell me about Charlie? You never asked.
I came to England to forget about Charlie.
Last thing I wanted to do was talk to my professor about it.
Surely we're more to each other than student and teacher? I mean, you are to me.
At least.
By the time it would have made any difference, I'd been bitten by a werewolf.
And? And It's hard enough to find a guy to chain you up every month and watch you turn into a raging maniac without bringing up the topic of old boyfriends.
I suppose so.
Oops! Hey I value our friendship more than anything.
Even though you've got the coldest hands of anybody I know.
I'm not holding your hand.
You're not? No.
Well, then whose hand am I holding? (YELPS) What do we do now? What do you mean, "What do we do now?" This was your hunch.
Yes.
But I never thought I was right.
Oh.
Randi, come back.
IAN: Ouch! You're stepping on my hand! RANDl: I wouldn't have to if you moved a little faster.
What's your hurry? In fact, let's come back tomorrow.
Ha-ha.
Just keep moving.
RANDl: What do you think that light is? IAN: Maybe we should ask one of these nice dead people.
Ow! (RANDI SHUSHING) IAN: Are you sure you wanna do this? How powerful is the staff of Gilgamesh? Apparently, even incomplete, it can raise the dead.
But they continue to rot.
If the staff is whole, the myth says it can restore the dead completely to life.
Oh.
Is that all? Is that all? What do you want it to do? Sing and dance as well? I want something that'll cure me.
So you can go off with Charlie? Wait, stop! I didn't mean that! Wait! Randi, wait! Randi, come back! Come back! Shh! Look.
ZOMBIES: Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
RANDl: That woman.
Isn't that It couldn't be.
It's your department head! IAN: Oh, my God! Samantha Stevens is a witch! How come I didn't know that? Ow! STEVENS: Ah, Dr.
Matheson.
And his student.
What a pleasant surprise.
Lan Hello.
So, you found the staff of Gilgamesh? It really exists.
You noticed.
Not everything in mythology is a myth.
Amazing what you can discover on a sabbatical.
Yes, isn't it? Well, it looks great, you know.
It does wonders for the room.
Sorry to disturb you.
Yes, quite.
We've obviously caught you at a bad time.
We'll just be on our way.
Don't be ridiculous, Doctor.
Now that you've come, you simply must stay for dinner.
(LAUGHS EVILLY) ALL: Hungry! Hungry! (RANDI SCREAMS) Soon, I will have dominion over the whole world of the dead.
I'll be able to restore them to life to do my bidding.
I don't think she was satisfied being the department head.
You'll need the third bolt for that, and it's in the British Museum, heavily guarded.
Against the living.
She's got a point there.
Don't argue with me, Doctor.
I'd hate to have my friends eat something that disagreed with me.
(SCREAMS) Oh, no! (LAUGHS EVILLY) (SCREAMS) Get them! Get them! Get them! (SCREAMING) (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) (EXPLOSION) (COUGHS) God! What happened? She should have known better.
What, than raise the dead? Than to use fire around formaldehyde.
Embalming fluid.
Extremely flammable, you know.
Now I do.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Yes.
Just in time, lan, your breakfast's going cold.
Oh, I haven't got time to eat breakfast, Mum.
I've got to get to the university.
What's the rush? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
It fortifies you for your labors.
It seems my labors are about to increase.
The Head of the Mythology Department has deserted her post.
Someone has to fill the void.
You snake! So how many bodies do you have to step on to get to the top? Plenty, believe me.
Where's Randi? Oh, she and Mr.
Slime went sightseeing.
Ah! Well, ask her to pop by the university if she can find a spare moment.
(GIGGLING) What? I think it's me.
Yeah.
It'll go over big in LA.
Why don't you come back with me? See for yourself.
Hey, what is it? Randi, every time I mention Los Angeles, the lights go dim.
Look, we're having a great time.
Why ruin it, huh? Because I want you to come back with me.
I can't.
Is it him? It's more than that.
Okay, fine.
No problem.
I'll stay.
You'd give up the Porsche, the Malibu Beach house, and the triple platinum gold card? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh (CHUCKLES) I didn't think so.
Randi! A Historical Deconstruction of the Gilgamesh Myth, by Dr.
Lan Matheson.
The Curse of Gilgamesh, by Dr.
Lan Matheson.
Flesh-Eating Maniacs of Armageddon, by Dr.
Lan Matheson.
Yes.
STEVENS: That has a nice ring to it.
Doesn't it, though? Randi, tell me You shouldn't start writing your book just yet, Dr.
Matheson.
It needs an ending.
Oh, it has one.
A happy ending.
Welcome to the next world, Doctor.
My world.
Randi, if it's the accent, I'll talk funny.
If it's the food, I'll have it flown in every week.
Just please, come back with me.
I can't leave.
Period.
You mean you don't want to leave? You mean, you don't want me.
Look, can we just talk about this later? Sorry.
Help me! (GASPING) Please! Oh, my God.
Lan! Lan! Oh, my God! Lan, no! Lan! No, no, please no! Do something! Call somebody! No! No, please! No, lan, don't (SOBS) I think you should listen to him.
No.
There's really no reason for you to stay.
I'm not leaving.
You came here to study with lan and And lan's gone.
Staying here will only remind you of that.
Go home.
Where you belong.
Where you can forget.
I don't want to forget.
And I'm not leaving.
Well, I think I'll go help the ladies with the tea.
Charlie says there's a flight to Los Angeles this afternoon.
You could make it.
In 10 hours, you'll be back with your family again.
If you want me out then I'll go.
I'll find somewhere else to live.
But I am not leaving.
I'm not going.
Not now, not ever.
So let's just drop it, okay? There's a full moon coming.
Doesn't anybody realize that? Okay, Randi, you've made your point.
The discussion is over.
We won't talk about it anymore.
Agreed? CHARLIE: Here you go.
Thanks.
(CLOCK TICKING) What the It's for the best, isn't it? She was getting hysterical.
She'll thank us for this.
I know she will.
CHARLIE: Rest easy.
We're doing the right thing.
By this time tomorrow, she'll be on a beach in Malibu in my tender loving care.
Uh, her legs? She loved lan, you know.
Trust me.
This is the right thing.
Why the devil was she so concerned about the full moon?
(BURPS) Hungry.
Bye-bye.
(WHISPERS) It's unbelievable.
It's bad news.
I can tell.
Tell it to us straight.
We can take it.
It can't be true.
Who died? I did.
I died and went to heaven, Aunt Elsa.
Have you been drinking? That was Monumental Pictures in Hollywood, Dad.
They want to buy my book.
Your textbook? He's been drinking.
Fright and Fraud: An Ethno-biocentric Morphogenesis of the Mephisto Fallacy? You mean Satan's Sex Slaves.
We did a rewrite.
The producer has left Los Angeles.
He should be here tomorrow.
And I owe it all to you, Aunt Elsa.
If you hadn't helped me jazz it up, it would be just another forgotten academic treatise.
How thrilling! How weird.
How much? The money isn't important.
Do you realize what this could do for my career? Let's get back to the money.
This could launch me out of academic obscurity and into the public eye.
I wouldn't be just another mythology professor, I'd be a celebrity.
Like Carl Sagan, Jonas Salk, Norman Cousins.
Daffy Duck.
Daffy This could really put the university on the map.
Students would enroll just to be on the same campus as the great scholar, Dr.
Lan Matheson.
But what sort of advance are we talking about? It was a textbook.
It is a probing, intellectual exploration of evil that bridges the boundary between academia and popular literature.
Something to read in the privy, besides the post.
Dad! There's something not right about this.
Only that it hasn't happened much sooner.
So everybody get ready.
Our lives are about to change.
MAN ON TV: Say, hallelujah.
Your eternal soul will be revitalized.
(SINGING) She's lucky, lucky Lucky, lucky, lucky Well, like it? Don't you have any respect? Your husband's barely cold in the grave, and you dress up like the whore of the Pentagon.
Well, it's black, isn't it? And it's the whore of Babylon.
Sorry.
Guess I don't know as much about whoring as you.
Too bad John wasn't more of a man, then I wouldn't have had to learn.
Don't you dare talk like that about my son.
Let's face it, Mother dear, John's loafers would never have touched the ground Lies! if he hadn't been tied down with your apron strings.
You ungrateful bitch! After he left you this house And you as a roommate.
Some inheritance.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and find something your beloved son could never give me.
You'll burn in hell.
(LAUGHS) Hi, honey, I'm home.
(SCREAMS) Yes, I will definitely need a corner office.
And a leather couch is an absolute must.
I think I'll put my private bath over there.
That's the department library.
Every university has a library, Randi.
How many have the world's most acclaimed mythologist? Don't you think you're getting just a little bit ahead of yourself.
Yes, you're right.
I'll simply switch offices with the department chairman instead.
I mean, it's too big for her anyway.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) STEVENS: Dr.
Matheson, can I have a word with you? That was quick.
The news must have traveled fast.
I wonder if she brought her keys.
Do come in, Dr.
Stevens.
Chairman Stevens.
What an unexpected pleasure.
You know, before I came here, my life was meaningless.
But your book It's given me a reason to go on living.
I think I'm going to tell all my friends that they have to take your class.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Dr.
Matheson, do you remember a conversation we had before I left for my sabbatical? Was that the one in which you told me I must either publish a book or find a new job before you returned from the Middle East? That's the one.
Then this (CLEARS THROAT) must be the book.
I'm familiar with it.
IAN: I wasn't sure.
It's not expected to show up on the bestseller charts until next Sunday.
Not only am I familiar with your book, but I consider it a disgrace to this department and to our profession.
A disgrace? But the critics say it popularizes mythology, makes it accessible to the common man.
So does the average Dracula movie.
But we're not in the business of popularization here, Dr.
Matheson.
We are scholars.
At least, most of us are.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
This is a work of scholarly research.
"She had felt tender caresses before, "but nothing as sweet as the gentle stroking of Satan's scaly claw.
" Funny.
I don't see a footnote explaining how you researched that.
It's called literature.
What I was trying to do was make the study of mythology less arcane, more understandable, more enjoyable.
Well, I think it's going to work.
No, it's not.
Because you're going to recall every copy.
But I couldn't do that, even if I wanted to.
Then I hope this book makes you very wealthy, because you won't be receiving a salary from this university anymore.
She didn't bring her keys.
I heard.
Did you hear her say I didn't know what I was talking about? I mean, she wouldn't know a mythological creature if she saw one.
She has.
You are not a monster.
Every month, I turn into a werewolf.
Ten years into that university, this is how they thank you.
Despicable.
I'm sure they'll come to their senses.
Forget it.
You'll be able to buy and sell those losers with your share of the opening weekend's box office.
Do you think so, Aunt Elsa? The opening weekend tallies for every horror film during the last 10 years.
What's your sudden interest in my son's financial status? A deep and abiding sense of family loyalty.
And 10 percent.
The best agents can command 15.
Why, you old hag! (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it.
Tell 'em we're all booked up.
Lan Matheson? Yes.
Charlie Beaudine.
Monumental Pictures.
Thanks.
My word, it's only 8:00! You couldn't have landed more than an hour ago.
To tell you the truth, I came directly from the airport.
I can't have those sharks at Universal beating me to the book of the decade.
"The book of the decade"? Really? What can I say? I read it and I was moved.
Of course, I was traveling 600 miles an hour over the Atlantic at the time.
(LAUGHS) You didn't actually read it until you got on the airplane? Actually, I just skimmed it.
But it was an in-depth and a very thoughtful skim.
I'm flattered.
The studio has big plans for this project, Matheson.
Big plans.
Big? Big.
How big? Stallone is reading the coverage of the summary.
That's big.
I had a Paramount spy on my tail.
Shook him off at Piccadilly Circus.
IAN: Welcome to London.
Come and meet the family.
Everybody, this is Charlie Beaudine, the producer I was telling you about.
I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.
We want a percentage of distributor's gross off the top, and moreover, we'd like very much (GROANS) Outstanding! Give the man a chance to say no first.
You worm! She's drunk.
She crazy.
In fact, she's a complete stranger.
Now, somebody call the police and get this lunatic removed.
Lan Randi! What a pleasant surprise.
Have you lost weight? Pig.
Is this any way to treat the man you love? Yes, is this any way to Wait a minute.
You make me sick.
Do you two know each other? Vaguely.
Intimately.
Oh, this is great.
(DOOR OPENS) My dead husband has risen from the grave! Professor, you've got to help me.
You're absolutely right.
What? Our ad says we investigate the supernatural.
I think this qualifies.
Well, he smells! I mean, he's rotting right in my house.
LILY: Come on, hurry up, now! We haven't got a second to waste.
Poor old Randi, she just can't take her liquor.
(GROANS) Nice to see you.
We'll chat first thing in the morning.
We'll do breakfast.
Come on now! (GROANING) So, I suppose you will be on one of those fancy corporate expense accounts? Triple platinum gold card.
Welcome to the Matheson Bed and Breakfast.
Thanks a lot.
We hope you enjoy your stay.
What is that smell? That's him.
That's my husband.
He's in the living room.
Interesting bit of irony there.
Look, could you please try to take this seriously? Why? I know better than to believe tabloid prattle like this " I married a zombie" story.
Then why are we here? To get you away from Charlie Beaudine before you screw up my deal.
Your deal? Oh, my God, you don't think (LILY SCREAMS) Hungry.
So much for tabloid prattle, huh? I could be wrong.
(SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERS) Hungry.
IAN: Randi! (GROWLS) Hungry.
(GROANS) Oh, yeah? Try me, huh.
I'm delicious.
Yummy, yum-yum.
Randi, don't.
Attaboy! Come on, it's chow time, baby.
(SCREAMS) (EXCLAIMS) Hungry.
ELSA: I pinned him down to the mat.
But he's trying to squirm out of the subsidiary rights.
The cad.
We haven't even discussed the merchandizing yet.
The weasel! And if he thinks he's getting anything before we've had a fat advance, he's not.
Do you know, I'm beginning to think he's more interested in Randi than he is in my book.
(CAR HONKING) Now IAN: Now this is more like it.
ELSA: I'll say.
What a marvelous morning.
I'm starved.
You haven't had breakfast yet, have you? I was saving myself.
Good thinking.
You're getting a bit of a gut there, champ.
You might be better off with a tasty vitamin shake.
In fact, why don't you have mine? What about the limo? Think she'll like it? You! I tried to be Mel Gibson, but I'm just too doggone handsome.
Get out of here before I kill you.
She never was a morning person.
Look, seriously.
I came to make amends.
I thought you came to buy my book for the movie.
I'm ambidextrous.
How can you even face me after what you did? What did he do? I'm a slug.
I'm a worm.
I'm a swine.
Keep going.
All I want is a chance to say I'm sorry and to show you how much I still care about you.
I mean, look at it from my point of view.
I would, but it's very hard to see anything from under a rock.
Look, you still have to have breakfast, right? Yeah.
Why not try a tasty vitamin shake? Why don't we discuss our differences over Dom in the limo? Caviar omelets at The Wellington? The Wellington? Double platinum gold card.
Triple platinum gold.
Triple platinum gold card? Yeah, I've come a long way from where I was.
From where we were.
I'm not the same guy.
I would really like a chance to prove that to you.
Well, I suppose a little champagne and caviar never hurt anybody.
I'll go pop the cork.
You don't wanna leave with him, that man is slime.
Isn't that the same man who wants to buy your book? Exactly.
Have you read it? I read the coverage of the summary.
Aren't you forgetting something? It's the '90s, darling, women can make their own decisions.
I'm talking about the living dead.
So can they.
How can you eat breakfast with him when you know there's a corpse walking the street? Because if I don't eat breakfast, there will be two corpses walking the street.
Maybe three if you don't let go of me.
Ciao.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Don't think some fancy brunch is gonna move you up the evolutionary scale.
I know how hard it's gonna be for you to forgive me.
Or a lousy bunch of roses.
I'm gonna have to regain your trust all over again.
Or a cheap bottle of wine.
And the only way for me to do that is to reveal to you my innermost feelings.
Or a bunch of smelly food.
But It's a good start.
RANDl: A little bit more.
Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT) Sir.
What will you be having? Oh, yes Right.
Toast.
Toast? Yes.
And water.
Water.
Tap water.
I feel like slumming it today.
You're succeeding.
It's quite simply the finest privately owned Babylonian artifact available in the United Kingdom today.
Or, I dare say, the world.
Don't exaggerate, Andre.
Looks like a paperweight.
I do assure you, Sir Robert, that this is a rarity of the highest caliber.
A genuine Assyro- Babylonian artifact.
Legend has it that it is one of three lightning bolts that crowned the staff of Gilgamesh.
Only two are known to be in existence today.
Legend has it.
That jacks the price up another million.
Don't be difficult, darling.
I've had my eye on this piece for six months.
You said the same thing about the Serbo-Croatian nutcracker.
A million two that cost me.
And what are you doing with it now? Makes a delightful paperweight.
(WHISTLES) Hey! (SCREAMS) Exquisite, isn't it? (SCREAMS) Halt! Go away, you horrible little man! (WOMAN SCREAMING) I say! Get out! Get out of here! And I've regretted it every day, every hour, every minute since.
Really? As I recall, your last words were, "I'm too young to die.
" CHARLIE: I was overwrought.
You were engaged to me.
I loved you, Charlie.
I loved our life together, I loved the future we were gonna have.
And then, you walked out on me.
And you took that all away.
When I looked at you, the only future I saw was a balding guy with a big paunch, three slobbering kids, and a paneled station wagon.
I wanted a Porsche, I wanted a Malibu Beach home.
I wanted triple platinum gold.
Well, you got what you wanted.
Yeah.
What I thought I wanted.
What I really wanted was you.
But by the time I realized that, you'd already gone.
How do you think I felt when I found out you'd flown off to England? Relieved? I don't know.
I thought if I got out of the country, then I could forget about you.
Did you? No.
(CRASHING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) (GUN FIRES) (GROWLING) You! He's dead.
Again.
(SIRENS BLARING) Waiter, check please.
You sure know how to attract deadbeats.
(BELL RINGING) Gilgamesh! Gilgamesh! How could you? The police said the bandits made off with a lightning bolt from the staff of Gilgamesh.
Do you know what that means? I'm an adult.
I can make my own decisions.
I can see who I want, when I want.
Gilgamesh stole the staff, which was crowned with three golden lightning bolts, from Utnapishtim, the Lord of the Underworld, who ruled the dead with it.
I don't need your permission and I don't need you to chaperone me.
I'm your student.
That doesn't give you the right to interfere with my personal life.
Over the centuries, the staff was broken.
Two of the bolts have been found.
One is in the British Museum, and the other was just stolen.
Are you listening to me? Ah! Without all three lightning bolts, the staff could raise the dead, but not make them whole.
Someone has the staff of Gilgamesh.
I want to know why you were following me and I want to know now.
Randi, there are more important things Not to me, not now.
Why were you following me? It was a coincidence.
I go to The Wellington all the time.
You couldn't afford toast at The Wellington.
As it so happens, the toast at The Wellington is quite affordable.
And tasty, too.
Admit it.
You were spying on me.
I just didn't want you to get hurt.
Don't you see? He's just manipulating you to get a better deal on my book.
CHARLIE: News flash, bucko.
I came for Randi.
Your book just paid my airfare.
If you'll excuse me, I've got a date at the cemetery.
Fun guy.
Lan, wait! You didn't have to do that.
He's a big boy, he'll get over it.
You snake! You lied to him! You used him! Yeah, I did.
And I'd do it again.
What was I supposed to do, Randi? Call you? Write you a letter? You never would have seen me.
You haven't changed at all.
I've been wrong about a lot of things, but leaving you tops the list.
Must have been a big list.
It was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.
I shouldn't have tricked him.
Or me.
No, certainly not you.
I was desperate.
I love you.
And I would do anything to get you back.
(WIND HOWLING) (GASPS) Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Make yourself comfortable.
This is a delightful place.
Remind me not to get buried here.
Well, look at the bright side.
At least you wouldn't have to stay long.
Now, there were four corpses at the robbery scene, and all four were buried here in the last few weeks.
I'm sorry about your book.
I had no idea.
It's okay.
Probably would have made a lousy movie anyway.
But it's not important.
It is important to me.
And I know it is to you.
I'd never do anything to hurt you, you know.
I know.
I also know that somebody is raising the dead.
And if my hunch is right, whoever is responsible is gonna need replacements.
If it gets any colder, he's gonna have to raise us.
(CLEARS THROAT) (CLEARS THROAT) (CHAIN RATTLING) So, why didn't you ever tell me about Charlie? You never asked.
I came to England to forget about Charlie.
Last thing I wanted to do was talk to my professor about it.
Surely we're more to each other than student and teacher? I mean, you are to me.
At least.
By the time it would have made any difference, I'd been bitten by a werewolf.
And? And It's hard enough to find a guy to chain you up every month and watch you turn into a raging maniac without bringing up the topic of old boyfriends.
I suppose so.
Oops! Hey I value our friendship more than anything.
Even though you've got the coldest hands of anybody I know.
I'm not holding your hand.
You're not? No.
Well, then whose hand am I holding? (YELPS) What do we do now? What do you mean, "What do we do now?" This was your hunch.
Yes.
But I never thought I was right.
Oh.
Randi, come back.
IAN: Ouch! You're stepping on my hand! RANDl: I wouldn't have to if you moved a little faster.
What's your hurry? In fact, let's come back tomorrow.
Ha-ha.
Just keep moving.
RANDl: What do you think that light is? IAN: Maybe we should ask one of these nice dead people.
Ow! (RANDI SHUSHING) IAN: Are you sure you wanna do this? How powerful is the staff of Gilgamesh? Apparently, even incomplete, it can raise the dead.
But they continue to rot.
If the staff is whole, the myth says it can restore the dead completely to life.
Oh.
Is that all? Is that all? What do you want it to do? Sing and dance as well? I want something that'll cure me.
So you can go off with Charlie? Wait, stop! I didn't mean that! Wait! Randi, wait! Randi, come back! Come back! Shh! Look.
ZOMBIES: Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
RANDl: That woman.
Isn't that It couldn't be.
It's your department head! IAN: Oh, my God! Samantha Stevens is a witch! How come I didn't know that? Ow! STEVENS: Ah, Dr.
Matheson.
And his student.
What a pleasant surprise.
Lan Hello.
So, you found the staff of Gilgamesh? It really exists.
You noticed.
Not everything in mythology is a myth.
Amazing what you can discover on a sabbatical.
Yes, isn't it? Well, it looks great, you know.
It does wonders for the room.
Sorry to disturb you.
Yes, quite.
We've obviously caught you at a bad time.
We'll just be on our way.
Don't be ridiculous, Doctor.
Now that you've come, you simply must stay for dinner.
(LAUGHS EVILLY) ALL: Hungry! Hungry! (RANDI SCREAMS) Soon, I will have dominion over the whole world of the dead.
I'll be able to restore them to life to do my bidding.
I don't think she was satisfied being the department head.
You'll need the third bolt for that, and it's in the British Museum, heavily guarded.
Against the living.
She's got a point there.
Don't argue with me, Doctor.
I'd hate to have my friends eat something that disagreed with me.
(SCREAMS) Oh, no! (LAUGHS EVILLY) (SCREAMS) Get them! Get them! Get them! (SCREAMING) (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) (EXPLOSION) (COUGHS) God! What happened? She should have known better.
What, than raise the dead? Than to use fire around formaldehyde.
Embalming fluid.
Extremely flammable, you know.
Now I do.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Yes.
Just in time, lan, your breakfast's going cold.
Oh, I haven't got time to eat breakfast, Mum.
I've got to get to the university.
What's the rush? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
It fortifies you for your labors.
It seems my labors are about to increase.
The Head of the Mythology Department has deserted her post.
Someone has to fill the void.
You snake! So how many bodies do you have to step on to get to the top? Plenty, believe me.
Where's Randi? Oh, she and Mr.
Slime went sightseeing.
Ah! Well, ask her to pop by the university if she can find a spare moment.
(GIGGLING) What? I think it's me.
Yeah.
It'll go over big in LA.
Why don't you come back with me? See for yourself.
Hey, what is it? Randi, every time I mention Los Angeles, the lights go dim.
Look, we're having a great time.
Why ruin it, huh? Because I want you to come back with me.
I can't.
Is it him? It's more than that.
Okay, fine.
No problem.
I'll stay.
You'd give up the Porsche, the Malibu Beach house, and the triple platinum gold card? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh (CHUCKLES) I didn't think so.
Randi! A Historical Deconstruction of the Gilgamesh Myth, by Dr.
Lan Matheson.
The Curse of Gilgamesh, by Dr.
Lan Matheson.
Flesh-Eating Maniacs of Armageddon, by Dr.
Lan Matheson.
Yes.
STEVENS: That has a nice ring to it.
Doesn't it, though? Randi, tell me You shouldn't start writing your book just yet, Dr.
Matheson.
It needs an ending.
Oh, it has one.
A happy ending.
Welcome to the next world, Doctor.
My world.
Randi, if it's the accent, I'll talk funny.
If it's the food, I'll have it flown in every week.
Just please, come back with me.
I can't leave.
Period.
You mean you don't want to leave? You mean, you don't want me.
Look, can we just talk about this later? Sorry.
Help me! (GASPING) Please! Oh, my God.
Lan! Lan! Oh, my God! Lan, no! Lan! No, no, please no! Do something! Call somebody! No! No, please! No, lan, don't (SOBS) I think you should listen to him.
No.
There's really no reason for you to stay.
I'm not leaving.
You came here to study with lan and And lan's gone.
Staying here will only remind you of that.
Go home.
Where you belong.
Where you can forget.
I don't want to forget.
And I'm not leaving.
Well, I think I'll go help the ladies with the tea.
Charlie says there's a flight to Los Angeles this afternoon.
You could make it.
In 10 hours, you'll be back with your family again.
If you want me out then I'll go.
I'll find somewhere else to live.
But I am not leaving.
I'm not going.
Not now, not ever.
So let's just drop it, okay? There's a full moon coming.
Doesn't anybody realize that? Okay, Randi, you've made your point.
The discussion is over.
We won't talk about it anymore.
Agreed? CHARLIE: Here you go.
Thanks.
(CLOCK TICKING) What the It's for the best, isn't it? She was getting hysterical.
She'll thank us for this.
I know she will.
CHARLIE: Rest easy.
We're doing the right thing.
By this time tomorrow, she'll be on a beach in Malibu in my tender loving care.
Uh, her legs? She loved lan, you know.
Trust me.
This is the right thing.
Why the devil was she so concerned about the full moon?