Sherri (2009) s01e07 Episode Script

la, la, la, la la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Okay, okay, give it up for ben hardy.
[ Scattered applause .]
Now, this next comedienne You are in for a real treat.
This lady is one of the funniest people i know.
I first saw her act 10 years ago, And i fell in love with her.
Too bad she's married 'cause every time i see her, I fall in love all over again.
And i bet you will, too.
So i want you to put your hands together For the fabulous, the funny, the phenomenal sherri robinson.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Hey, y'all! Hey! Whoo! Give it up for doug davis! [ Cheers and applause .]
Now, funny doug should say too bad i'm married, Because, doug, i'm not.
I am single, and i have to tell you, One thing i miss about marriage Is i miss somebody being able to reach up to that top shelf.
So you know what i did? I got a step stool.
[ Laughter .]
Even trade.
And actually the step stool is better in bed.
[ Laughter .]
It is rough trying to find a good guy nowadays.
But anybody i find, nobody's good enough for my daddy.
I could bring home a nobel peace prize winner Who discovered the cure for a common cold And put an end to world hunger, And my daddy would still say, "but does he have a day job?" [ Laughter .]
"Nobel prize winner That don't sound too stable to me.
" When was the last time we saw each other? It's got to be at least a year.
I can tell you exactly.
It was at the aspen comedy festival last march.
And i lifted you over a snowbank because it was too high.
And you called me "feather.
" Yeah, which you are.
Oh, you shush.
Seriously, you, uh You look fantastic.
Well, i lost 180 pounds My husband.
[ Both laugh .]
Results not typical.
Hmph.
So you and kevin you really broke up? Yeah, we did.
Well, i'd like to say that i'm really sorry.
Truth is, i'm not.
I'm kind of glad you're available.
Oh, get out of here.
I think we'd be good together.
A'ight, you're just saying that.
I'm not saying it to anybody else.
You're serious.
Yeah, i'm serious.
[ Sighs .]
I like you.
I've always liked you.
I just wish i could tell you In a place that wasn't a run-Down bar That smells like old beer.
Well, that rules out my apartment.
Hah! Okay, come on, don't don't leave me hanging.
[ Laughs .]
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah, so, i've known doug for like 10 years Through the comedy clubs.
He's always flirted, but nothing ever happened, Obviously, since i was married.
Wow, so he might be the one who got away.
I had a guy who got away.
Yeah.
He got all the way to brazil With my identity and my roommate.
Well, just because you're in a different place right now Doesn't mean he is.
I mean, he could just be a flirt.
No, i'm telling you What he was doing last night wasn't flirting.
He looked me in my eye and he actually said He wanted me to give him a chance.
So i guess you're gonna go out with him, huh? Tomorrow.
And randy what about him? Tonight.
Ahh! It is raining men! Ooh, well, two guys that's a light drizzle.
Okay, well, this is a first for me.
But i'll tell you what i am keeping my options open.
I am in no rush to settle down.
I'm gonna play the field.
I think you should tell randy about doug.
Um, excuse me, no, she shouldn't.
Unless you've slept together.
Have you slept together? No.
That's not the point.
If you care about randy, You have the "what are we" conversation.
What are we? "We" are not having sex.
End of conversation.
Celia, things are going really well for me.
I'm having fun.
I don't want to rock the boat.
That's smart, Because you never want to tell one guy about another guy.
I learned my lesson when i told phil about danny.
Let me guess they locked eyes, fell in love, And got married in vermont.
No, smarty-Pants It's hawaii, and they run a macadamia-Nut farm.
Donna? Huh? Donna? No, wait.
Donna? Donna.
Oh.
I know that my department time sheet was due on friday.
I have turned it in every friday on time For the past nine years.
This is the first and only time it's been late.
All you have to do is sign it.
You know what? It was it was due friday.
Yes, i know that.
Today's monday.
Right, but the paralegals won't get paid until you sign it.
All right, let me see it.
Yeah, that was due friday.
Yes, i know.
So just submit it this friday.
Yes, but then they won't get paid for another two weeks.
Good talk.
Now i have to go change my nylons.
Whoa! Whoa! I did not just hear that we are not getting a paycheck this week.
What? What did you just say? We're not getting a paycheck this week? I guess these are my eyebrows till the end of the month.
And i need groceries for my kid.
You guys, i am so sorry.
I was in court all day friday.
I turned the time sheet in this morning, But it's that donna she won't budge.
Have you ever had to deal with someone Who is so rigid and unbending And such a stickler for idiotic work protocol? Is that more than three personal photographs on your desk? When i deal with somebody like that, I give them something they want so i can get what i want.
Oh, i know what you mean.
My cousin tommy used to pinch my grandma's i.
V.
Until she put him in the will.
Who raised you? [ Chuckles .]
What? Do i have something in my teeth? No.
Well, you did, but you got it.
How'd your show go last night? I'm sorry i didn't make it.
Oh, it went really well.
I'll be there next time.
I was thinking about bringing a couple of friends of mine.
They're dying to meet you.
They are? Why? Well, they've they've heard me talking about you.
I hope it's okay that i do that.
Oh, it depends.
What are you saying? That you are special and lovely And funny, And when i know i'm gonna see you, I get all nervous and goofy Like i was back in high school, And i find myself talking too much.
Even when i know i should stop, i don't.
In fact, this is even goofier and more nervous Than i was, you know, back in high school.
[ Laughs .]
I'm done.
You know, you are the sweetest man, And you can never talk too much for me.
You know, if this was high school right now, I'd ask you to go steady with me.
You know what i'd love? Calamari.
Oh! Sand dabs.
Sherri, i know we've only gone out a couple of times, And it's probably too early To be talking about what we're feeling You didn't tell me they had sand dabs.
They do? Is it too early to be talking about what we're feeling? Randy, i've only had three serious boyfriends in my life, And that includes the one who let me ride his big wheel.
That's not a metaphor.
That's literally a toy The bike and it wasn't even that big.
Okay, cut to present day.
You know, i just got out of a long marriage.
You're the first man i've really dated.
And i don't think i'm ready To be in another exclusive relationship yet.
Hey, you know, those sand dabs really do sound good.
Wow.
You know, you'd be the rebound guy, And it never works out with the rebound guy.
So, you're doing this for me.
Randy, i want to keep seeing you.
But you want to be free to see other people.
You can see other people, too.
I can do that.
Great! I am so glad that's all straightened out.
Whoo! What a relief! You know, this could have Turned into a horribly awkward conversation, But it didn't, which is great.
You know, i have always had a good time with you, Tonight being no exception.
Sherri, we haven't even ordered.
I know that.
[ Laughing .]
Don't mind her.
She's in the middle of a whole lot of hot text.
With the emcee or the m.
D.
? Oh, the emcee.
Oh, yeah, that's classic "new guy" giggle.
She's in the "everything's funny" stage.
Yeah, next stage "Sure, if it's only one car payment, i can do it.
" Oh, i cannot tell you that! Oh! Go talk to her.
Get our money.
Oh.
[ Clears throat .]
hi, donna.
Oh, hi.
I'm off coffee for a while.
I have a perforation in my colon.
If i could get you a new colon, would you sign Okay, you know what? Stop.
You are terrible at this.
Offer her something you can get her.
Yeah, like one of your kidneys.
I want to get paid.
No, no.
I can fix this.
She's just one woman.
Sure, she's odd and a little mildewy, But it is a simple, straightforward task.
I can do this.
So, donna yes? I can't do this.
You know what's funny? I was on my way to work, And i was thinking i would like to do something nice for donna.
I just feel terrible asking you to sign that form.
Is there anything you want? I saw your pictures on catowner.
Com.
Oh, do you have a cat? No.
You know what? This is literally The saddest conversation i have ever heard.
I know.
Would you like a cat? I can get you a cat.
No, i-I'm allergic.
I only have one nostril that works.
Would you like a picture of a cat? The camera? The frame? Picture of a camera in a frame? Donna, what the hell do you want? Well I'm single.
Really? Would you take a picture of me for my dating website? I would.
I will.
I can do that, yes If you sign the paralegal time sheet.
But it's not friday.
Oh.
Ohhhh.
[ Chuckles .]
i see.
So you're in? Okay.
Well, meet us back here after work.
Hey, and wear something pretty.
Oh, this is reversible.
I'm not doing this alone.
Ooh, what'd i miss? Did i hear we're getting paid? Yeah, no thanks to you.
Oh, i'm sorry.
It's just that doug has been texting me Every two minutes about our date tonight.
Ooh.
Where's he taking you? I don't know.
All he said was that he had something very special planned, And this was gonna be the best date of my life.
It's probably a good thing You didn't have the talk with randy, huh? Ooh, we had the talk.
You did? Why? Why would you do that? I had to.
He brought it up.
What happened? You know what? You can forget about randy.
Look, everything is fine with randy.
And i want all of the predictions And the second-Guessing and the interpretations to stop.
Let's just focus on the fact That for the first time in my life, I get to play the field.
Don't think about where it's going.
Think about what matters.
I am extremely popular.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, yay! I've got a delivery for sherri robinson.
See? Popular.
Oh, okay.
Oh, it's from doug.
And he made a cd of all the songs from the year we met.
How cool is that? I got to tell you A guy who puts this much effort into the first date, It just makes me want to "mmph.
" Okay, you can go now.
I know you feel good right now, But you need to keep your head on straight.
It's like my grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow if the milk is free?" Okay, first of all, you know me, And you know i would never sleep with anybody on the first date.
But more importantly, I'm sick of this cow/milk thing.
Let's not pass this down the way it was passed down to us.
Look at me I'm the cow that didn't give away the milk for free.
But farmer kevin, He wanted a different kind of milk Younger, fresher milk, much younger, Practically calves' milk, that he did get for free.
And why are we cows? Why are we for sale? It's just degrading.
It's my milk.
I get to decide what to do with it.
You know, the whole thing just pisses me off.
I'm over it.
Ooh, i got a cd mix tape! Oh! Yes! [ Knock on door .]
[ Exhales deeply .]
Welcome to the story we're gonna tell our grandchildren.
Whoo! I'm thinking this is the story We can't tell our grandchildren.
Oh.
Mm.
You look more beautiful Than the first time i saw you 10 years ago.
Oh, gosh, the things you say.
We go way back, sherri robinson.
And now i want to move forward.
Mm.
Oh.
Isn't there somewhere we're supposed to be? I feel like i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be.
[ Laughs .]
[ Laughs .]
Mm-Hmm.
Oh! When was the last time you felt this good? Mm.
[ Sobbing .]
Doug? Is it my imagination, or did the mood change? [ Sobbing continues .]
Don't look at me.
[ Sobbing .]
I will be telling this story to somebody's grandchildren.
I don't think it'll be ours.
I've got some wine.
Do you want some wine? I can't.
I'm on antidepressants.
Oh.
I had no idea you'd just broken up with someone.
Daphne.
How long has it been? September 3rd Oh.
2006.
[ Sobbing .]
Oh! She's married with twins.
But there's always hope, right? Not with us.
I'm sorry.
I thought i was ready.
I'm not ready.
You would just be a-A rebound relationship, And those things never work out.
[ Laughs .]
This is a joke, right? This is one of your bits.
Because you wouldn't be doing all that With the texting and the cd If you were still brokenhearted over some woman, right? Right? I better be right.
I'm a peaceful woman, But play with me, i will mess you up.
Wow! Where'd you get all this stuff? Oh, like my cat calendars can make themselves.
Okay, donna, we're ready for you.
Oh, my god! Just so you know, I did all i could, but she's a biter.
Whoa.
She burned me.
Well, you know what they say about beauty and pain.
Yeah.
No.
Angie, she looks amazing.
I know.
You wouldn't even know it was donna, right? I hope the flashes don't trigger my epilepsy.
But it is.
All right, so, are you ready To meet the man of your dreams? Yes.
You will, as soon as you sign this.
Oh.
So my girls can get paid.
Whoo-Hoo! Cool! All right! Donna! All right! So let's make some magic.
Okay, flashing.
Flash.
Flash.
Flash.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay, make love or just be happy.
Look here.
Okay.
Little less.
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
Little less.
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
Little less.
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
None.
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
Is the soup good? Needs a little less tarragon, but i'll get through it.
You know, my breaking up with my husband Was difficult, too.
I know what you're going through.
I just don't understand why you're still going through it.
You really are the perfect woman.
I wish the timing could have been better.
Yeah.
Timing is everything.
Are you having fun? I'm giving it all i got.
Eat your soup.
I'll be right back.
That's what daphne said.
Hey, randy.
You know what would be funny Is if you were also on the worst date of your life right now.
Are you? Are you okay? Are you kidding? I am having a blast.
Is he crying? Oh, he started again? This is some coincidence, huh, both of us being here? Or fate.
Or sand dabs.
I'm gonna go with fate.
Randy, i think you misunderstood What i was talking about the other night.
When i said you should feel free to date other people, I didn't mean tall, attractive women.
Oh.
No, that part wasn't clear.
Does she make you nervous and overtalkative? No.
That's just you.
Good.
Well, i-I should get back to mydate.
And i should get back to my intervention.
But i'd still like to meet your friends.
You will.
But not that one.
Mm.
Friend of yours? Seems like a nice guy.
He is.
And the woman he's with is stunning.
Eat your damn soup.