Shifting Gears (2025) s01e07 Episode Script
Picnic
1
Okay, I'm just saying, for a $20 buy-in,
I can get my Etsy business going,
and we can all see a
200% return by Friday.
Are you sure she's yours?
No.
- Okay.
- What's the product?
Not important.
You're betting on a winner.
- Are you in or out?
- I'm in. I'm in.
I gotta park some money away
from the prying eyes of the IRS.
There you go.
Hey, guys. What's the haps?
Whoo! What is that smell?
You're like a combination
of Axe body spray,
[SNIFFS] a burp and a corn dog.
Actually, it was a chili
dog and I did just burp.
Some of the guys at school
are trading colognes.
You know, it's a thing.
[CLICKS TONGUE] For the ladies.
Not this one.
Cologne, body spray,
fragrance. What is it?
Actually, it's eau de toilette.
Why are the French in
charge of all smells?
Again with the French, Grandpa?
You don't get it cause
you're old, all right?
But fine. I'll go take a shower.
Try to take one less than an
hour, s'il vous plaît.
Yeah. Sorry about the water bill.
I mean, not sorry enough
to pay it, but sorry.
I know. That "boy to man" process
is happening pretty fast, you know?
Extended showers, walking
around without his shirt on,
flexing his one muscle.
Yesterday he was learning
how to ride a bike.
Now he's old enough to date.
He's not dating anyone.
The only woman he speaks to is Siri,
and I think she's ghosting him.
Could you talk to him about dating
and all the other stuff
that I don't want to?
You're the one that says you
talk to your son about everything.
It's modern, it's open.
I would say a little frightening.
Uh, would you want to talk
about sex stuff with your mom?
My mother never had sex.
[OPENING THEME PLAYING]
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Well, we got trouble.
Is it those damn teenagers again?
Oh, my God. I sound like a
villain on Scooby-Doo.
Ruh-roh.
I just wanted to say that.
[MATT] All right
Picnic table.
Oh, no. People could eat outdoors.
Think of the laughter.
This is all about Eve.
I love that movie.
She just wants the dance studio
and her to have this
property to themselves.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Matt's "Eve
is short for evil" rant.
Yeah, she always takes my parking space,
parks in my spot.
The dancers block the entrance.
You guys know that.
Then they start with
that music all the time.
[BEATBOXES] Boom bada-boom-boom ♪
Boom-boom boom-boom, boom-boom ♪
Hey, man, I like that
beat. Keep it going.
You know what? She's like a French car.
Not bad on the outside,
but that interior? Funky.
You know what, Matt's right,
man. This is about territory.
Around my hood, this kind of
disrespect would not be tolerated.
Stop throwing out street
cred. You live in the burbs.
You have an HOA.
Residents at Cascade Hills, playa.
I'm done being nice, guys.
When did you start?
- Matt
- Listen, I'm gonna go over there
and tell her she's
gotta move that table,
or I'm gonna put her in her place.
Try not to start World War III.
Don't forget your daughter works there.
I'm not starting World War III.
Have you met a
19-year-old boy these days?
Hell, we'd all be dead.
- Riley.
- Eve.
We need to reserve Studio
Room B at 3:00 p.m. for
I don't wanna drop names,
but his last name is a planet
and his first name is Bruno.
[GASPS] Bruno Mars? Shut up.
I really should shut
up. I signed an NDA.
Nice picnic table, Eve.
Bruno's gonna love it.
I'm definitely getting sued.
Hey, do you wanna watch him?
Watch him? I want to bathe in him.
But, um, I have to take
my daughter to the dentist.
They're her baby
teeth. They don't count.
Hmm.
But of course, yes. Go.
Oh, my God, Eve, you are
the best, coolest boss ever.
I mean, have you seen the competition?
Listen, you gotta move that picnic
table out of the alley, okay?
It's nice to see you
again too, Mr. Parker.
Yeah [COUGHS] hi, Mr. Parker.
It's a shared space.
It isn't your space.
I just thought it
would be nice for people
to have a place to sit and eat.
Your shop guys are free
to use it too, you know.
Do you let them sit or eat?
I'm sorry, I think I fell
asleep in the middle of all that.
My My shop guys are just fine.
The last thing they need is a
place to have longer lunches.
You sure about that?
[SCOFFS]
- Get back to work, damn it!
- Whoa!
Sorry, this is a "no-crazy-man-
who-spits-when-he-yells" zone.
[LAUGHING]
- Uh, sorry, Mr. Parker.
- Stop calling me that.
Listen, that table
goes bye-bye tomorrow.
Speaking of bye-bye, bye-bye.
[BLOWS LIPS] That guy, huh?
You know I know he's your dad, right?
Well, I've never taken a DNA test.
Gabe, why is the table still here
and why are you sitting at it?
- Don't get mad.
- I'm not mad. I'm calm.
Oh, it's worse than we
thought. It's Matt's calm rage.
Actually, this is my favorite.
It's like Darth Vader on edibles.
- Get up. Up, up, up. Let's go.
- [GABRIEL] Oh.
This doesn't seem like calm rage to me.
- What are you doing?
- [GRUNTS] I'm showing them
that I mean business.
By blocking their front
door with the table?
[MATT] Exactamundo.
- [RILEY] What is he doing?
- [EVE] Seriously?
Wow.
- Okay.
- I mean
[STITCH] Oh, so this is how it is.
You can push that table,
but I get stuck on the ramp and
all I hear is, "You got it, Stitch."
That's commitment.
It's also a fire hazard.
[GROANS]
You really should get that DNA test.
Hello, Miss Parker.
Can I help you with anything?
Stop playing innocent.
We watched you push the
table in front of our door.
Oh, come on, man. That
could have been anybody.
[GROANS]
- Oh. You pulled your back?
- Yes.
- That's what you get.
- [GRUNTS]
Why are you [SCOFFS] making such
a big deal about a picnic table?
You wouldn't understand.
You're not a business owner.
Eve just wants the property between
our two businesses, you know.
She won't be happy till
everyone's a communist
wearing dance shoes. [GROANS]
You mean The Nutcracker?
And you know what else?
I think she hired you just
to get leverage over me.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
You really think everything's about you?
It's a big responsibility,
but I can handle it.
Dad, I am telling you,
she's a really great person
who just wants people
to have a place to eat.
You're an idiot.
You know, if you won't
stop this craziness for me,
at least do it for your grandkids.
They have stuff all the time,
and Eve gives me flexible hours.
I'm talking house cat hours.
- I hate cats.
- Dad.
All right, Heathcliff is a
good cat. I don't mind that cat.
Dad, I'm begging you.
Okay, okay, she can
keep the stupid table.
- If anything's stupid, it's
- [HUSHES]
You got your "fine."
I'll go move the table back.
- You're still talking to Carter today
- [HUSHES]
You can help me.
Hey, Matt, for what
it's worth, you're right.
You give a person like Eve an
inch, she gonna take a mile.
Why didn't you say something?
It's just not a good look for me.
Oh. Hey, Carter.
Hey, looking good, Pops.
I'm in a lot of pain. I can barely walk.
What do you mean I'm looking good?
Oh.
It's kinda how you always look to me.
- What happened?
- I moved a table to win a war.
Don't know what that means,
so I'm just gonna say, sweet.
You know, I'm already in a lot of
pain. I might as well double down.
I wanna talk to you about something.
- Sure thing. What's up?
- [SIGHS]
[SIGHS] Well, I've been noticing
your new habits, you know?
Eau de toilette, extended showers,
your allergy to wearing your shirt.
You know, sometimes when I
finish my push-up in my room,
I gotta let the pecs breathe.
Okay.
I'm thinking that since
your dad's not around,
maybe you and I could have that
"man-to-boy" talk about sex.
- Okay, let me stop you right there.
- No, no. No. It
- If you mean the sex talk
- Yeah.
I don't need it.
Well, we could call it something else.
How about dating? We'll talk
about dating a little bit.
Nope. I've learned everything
there is to know off the Internet.
I'm sure you've learned a lot
of things off the Internet.
- Everything.
- Everything?
Everything.
You know what I'm talking about, Pops.
What the hell is everything?
I don't know.
You gotta look at what he's looking at.
I agree, but what kind of person
breaks into a kid's laptop?
[BOTH] Georgia!
Sweetie, we need a favor.
You want Carter's password.
You're a scary little creature.
And yes, we do.
[TYPING]
- There you go.
- Wow.
So, what's this going to cost us?
Nothing.
Someday you'll just owe me a favor.
I hope I'm dead before
she wants that favor.
Well, that's what you get for
showing her The Godfather.
- Go to "search history."
- I'm there.
"Sci-fi Hub X." What is this?
Oh. Uh It's fan fiction, a
combination of romance and fantasy.
They call it "romantasy."
Kinda rhymes with "so sad to see."
"She faced the window
on four of her legs.
Her other two legs hung seductively."
"As the passion grew, I
reached for the back of her head
and grabbed a handful of her feathers."
Here's a link to a picture.
- [SCREAMS, SHUDDERS]
- Damn.
Are those alien privates?
Well, they're certainly not private
when they're hanging on
the front of your forehead,
or whatever that's called.
- Pretty well hung, though.
- Ugh.
Oh!
- [SCREAMS] Ugh!
- Oh! Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Okay, kind of weird.
"Kind of" weird?
That's like a reptile
combined with a parrot
and an alien getting it on.
This is just nuts.
When we were kids, all we had to look
at was National Geographic.
This is what kids should be looking
at: grass skirts and boobies.
At least it's less misogynistic
than most stuff online, right?
But should I be worried
this is what he's into?
Yes, I'd be worried.
A lot of dangerous weirdos online,
and now your kid's one of 'em.
You're right. I have to
talk to him about real women
before I wind up with a hot
serpent for a daughter-in-law.
Listen, I'm gonna let
you handle this one.
You may want to read that.
I'm gonna go upstairs and take
a nice hot Epsom salt bath.
- [GROANS] Oh.
- This is what you get for moving a table.
- [GROANS]
- Are you okay?
Yeah, at least I don't have
a son who's into romantasy.
Okay. Oh.
Well, this is twice as bad.
My dad agreed to one table.
He's gonna be livid when he sees two.
Why did you poke the literal bear?
Just over here poking. Poke,
poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.
It's okay, relax.
I've dealt with guys like
your dad my whole life
and they always underestimate
me because I'm a woman.
Or because I'm a dancer.
Or when I'm blonde.
Trust me, he'd be like
this with a man too.
Oh, no, sweet child, he wouldn't.
Those nasty emails in all caps?
Blocking the door with the table?
You don't do that when you think
you might get socked in the face.
To be fair, he might use that
old person email program
that's only all caps.
Well, your dad is a bully.
He yells at my dancers.
He tries to intimidate me.
Accuses me of taking his
parking space, which I do.
And guess what?
He's met his match, and
she is wearing a crop top.
Oh, my God. He was right.
You're diabolical.
Sick game recognizes sick game.
The two tables is my way of
saying, "Don't screw with me."
God, you should be a cult
leader, 'cause I would join.
You know, as long as the
cult had flexible hours too.
[HORN HONKING]
Well. He saw the tables.
[HONKING CONTINUES]
[EVE] Yeah.
Today is going to be entertaining.
["FREEDOM" PLAYING IN STUDIO]
I'm stuck to the dance floor ♪
With the, with the whole tape ♪
With the, with the,
with the whole tape ♪
Give you what you ask for ♪
Givin' you the whole shake ♪
I'ma give you the whole shake ♪
I'm stuck to the dance floor ♪
With the, with the whole tape ♪
With the, with the ♪
With the whole tape ♪
- I say, yeah ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Oh, yeah ♪
- Oh, yeah ♪
- Let me see you wobble ♪
- 'Cause, you do ♪
I'ma do, too ♪
When I move my body just like this ♪
I don't know why but I feel like ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
I hear a song that takes me back ♪
And I let go with so much ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
Free to live ♪
I'm gonna get ♪
'Cause it's my free ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
Two tables? There's
two tables out there.
This is why I don't
like making compromises.
People just take
advantage of my niceness.
Niceness?
You've been bullying me
ever since I got here.
You don't run things around here.
I just want you to know
you've made an enemy,
and a very powerful enemy.
[WINCES]
[HUFFS] Boy.
In my head, that was a
far more dramatic exit.
- What's wrong with your back?
- I don't know.
I did something to it
when I was moving the
the car. I pushed a car out of the way.
Well, dancers hurt their
lower back all the time.
This stretch helps. You
have to release the SI joint.
Like this.
[GRUNTS]
Oh.
Yeah.
Still hurts.
Now you try.
Ooh.
[SIGHS]
Like that?
That's not even close.
I'm doing just what you just did.
Yeah.
One
- There we go
- two
- Oh, b
- three.
Okay, not even close.
But you're some sort of athlete.
- [STRAINS]
- Yeah.
- We have to be.
- [SIGHS]
Just like Ginger Rogers.
She did everything Fred
Astaire did but backwards
- and in heels.
- And in heels. Yeah.
You watch old movies too?
My late wife and I
used to love them, yes.
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
I lost my husband too.
- Really?
- To a dancer on TikTok.
Now they're both dead to me.
Feels better.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Let me guess.
Two picnic tables aren't the
first sign of the apocalypse.
Riley really likes this job.
I don't want to do
anything to jeopardize it.
I
Maybe I don't need two picnic
tables out there either.
Damn right.
So I'll keep one.
Okay. One.
All right. Truce?
Truce.
And maybe stop cursing at my dancers.
I think that big guy likes it.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
What the hell?
What the hell?
Me agreeing to one table
wasn't enough for you,
so you had to get rid of it?
I didn't take the table.
- You didn't?
- Mr. Parker!
I didn't take the table.
I'll tell you one
thing, this kind of stuff
wouldn't happen up in the
residence of Cascade Hills.
You know what? This has gone too far.
- What?
- I'm sorry I fixed your back.
You know, you're making
it worse right now.
Good.
Good? So, I can be good when
you get the bill from my doctor.
- Hmm.
- Once again, this exit
I know. So much more
dramatic in your head.
This isn't over.
- This hasn't even begun.
- [MATT GROANS] Oh.
They scare me.
This talk is important.
Carter can't learn about
sex from that fantasy stuff.
And I can't unsee what I saw.
Hey, uh, what's up?
Carter, I want to talk
about women and their bodies.
- Oh, Mom
- Sit.
I'm out.
The Internet is all about male fantasy,
but I promise you there's nothing
more exciting than reality.
As you know, if the
egg gets an X chromosome
from both the male and female parent,
the resulting offspring will be
You know what?
- Let me take it from here.
- Okay. Okay.
Thank God.
[MATT] Okay, listen. Uh
Big picture.
Every living thing is like an engine.
Women's bodies are like the
carburetor to that engine, right?
They control the fuel and
air mixture, very important.
But they control the
power to that engine.
Okay, okay. Taking notes.
All right. No matter what you've
heard, women have all the power.
They control everything.
Never forget that.
Now who's into fantasy?
And we're talking about women with
two wings, right? Not four wings.
Griffin, not Pegasi, right?
Yeah. Page 49, pachyderm reproduction.
Study it.
Screw you, old man Parker.
If there's no skating in the alley,
there's no table in the alley.
It was those meddling kids.
Gotta say, "old man Parker"
has a nice ring to it.
Okay, I'm just saying, for a $20 buy-in,
I can get my Etsy business going,
and we can all see a
200% return by Friday.
Are you sure she's yours?
No.
- Okay.
- What's the product?
Not important.
You're betting on a winner.
- Are you in or out?
- I'm in. I'm in.
I gotta park some money away
from the prying eyes of the IRS.
There you go.
Hey, guys. What's the haps?
Whoo! What is that smell?
You're like a combination
of Axe body spray,
[SNIFFS] a burp and a corn dog.
Actually, it was a chili
dog and I did just burp.
Some of the guys at school
are trading colognes.
You know, it's a thing.
[CLICKS TONGUE] For the ladies.
Not this one.
Cologne, body spray,
fragrance. What is it?
Actually, it's eau de toilette.
Why are the French in
charge of all smells?
Again with the French, Grandpa?
You don't get it cause
you're old, all right?
But fine. I'll go take a shower.
Try to take one less than an
hour, s'il vous plaît.
Yeah. Sorry about the water bill.
I mean, not sorry enough
to pay it, but sorry.
I know. That "boy to man" process
is happening pretty fast, you know?
Extended showers, walking
around without his shirt on,
flexing his one muscle.
Yesterday he was learning
how to ride a bike.
Now he's old enough to date.
He's not dating anyone.
The only woman he speaks to is Siri,
and I think she's ghosting him.
Could you talk to him about dating
and all the other stuff
that I don't want to?
You're the one that says you
talk to your son about everything.
It's modern, it's open.
I would say a little frightening.
Uh, would you want to talk
about sex stuff with your mom?
My mother never had sex.
[OPENING THEME PLAYING]
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Well, we got trouble.
Is it those damn teenagers again?
Oh, my God. I sound like a
villain on Scooby-Doo.
Ruh-roh.
I just wanted to say that.
[MATT] All right
Picnic table.
Oh, no. People could eat outdoors.
Think of the laughter.
This is all about Eve.
I love that movie.
She just wants the dance studio
and her to have this
property to themselves.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Matt's "Eve
is short for evil" rant.
Yeah, she always takes my parking space,
parks in my spot.
The dancers block the entrance.
You guys know that.
Then they start with
that music all the time.
[BEATBOXES] Boom bada-boom-boom ♪
Boom-boom boom-boom, boom-boom ♪
Hey, man, I like that
beat. Keep it going.
You know what? She's like a French car.
Not bad on the outside,
but that interior? Funky.
You know what, Matt's right,
man. This is about territory.
Around my hood, this kind of
disrespect would not be tolerated.
Stop throwing out street
cred. You live in the burbs.
You have an HOA.
Residents at Cascade Hills, playa.
I'm done being nice, guys.
When did you start?
- Matt
- Listen, I'm gonna go over there
and tell her she's
gotta move that table,
or I'm gonna put her in her place.
Try not to start World War III.
Don't forget your daughter works there.
I'm not starting World War III.
Have you met a
19-year-old boy these days?
Hell, we'd all be dead.
- Riley.
- Eve.
We need to reserve Studio
Room B at 3:00 p.m. for
I don't wanna drop names,
but his last name is a planet
and his first name is Bruno.
[GASPS] Bruno Mars? Shut up.
I really should shut
up. I signed an NDA.
Nice picnic table, Eve.
Bruno's gonna love it.
I'm definitely getting sued.
Hey, do you wanna watch him?
Watch him? I want to bathe in him.
But, um, I have to take
my daughter to the dentist.
They're her baby
teeth. They don't count.
Hmm.
But of course, yes. Go.
Oh, my God, Eve, you are
the best, coolest boss ever.
I mean, have you seen the competition?
Listen, you gotta move that picnic
table out of the alley, okay?
It's nice to see you
again too, Mr. Parker.
Yeah [COUGHS] hi, Mr. Parker.
It's a shared space.
It isn't your space.
I just thought it
would be nice for people
to have a place to sit and eat.
Your shop guys are free
to use it too, you know.
Do you let them sit or eat?
I'm sorry, I think I fell
asleep in the middle of all that.
My My shop guys are just fine.
The last thing they need is a
place to have longer lunches.
You sure about that?
[SCOFFS]
- Get back to work, damn it!
- Whoa!
Sorry, this is a "no-crazy-man-
who-spits-when-he-yells" zone.
[LAUGHING]
- Uh, sorry, Mr. Parker.
- Stop calling me that.
Listen, that table
goes bye-bye tomorrow.
Speaking of bye-bye, bye-bye.
[BLOWS LIPS] That guy, huh?
You know I know he's your dad, right?
Well, I've never taken a DNA test.
Gabe, why is the table still here
and why are you sitting at it?
- Don't get mad.
- I'm not mad. I'm calm.
Oh, it's worse than we
thought. It's Matt's calm rage.
Actually, this is my favorite.
It's like Darth Vader on edibles.
- Get up. Up, up, up. Let's go.
- [GABRIEL] Oh.
This doesn't seem like calm rage to me.
- What are you doing?
- [GRUNTS] I'm showing them
that I mean business.
By blocking their front
door with the table?
[MATT] Exactamundo.
- [RILEY] What is he doing?
- [EVE] Seriously?
Wow.
- Okay.
- I mean
[STITCH] Oh, so this is how it is.
You can push that table,
but I get stuck on the ramp and
all I hear is, "You got it, Stitch."
That's commitment.
It's also a fire hazard.
[GROANS]
You really should get that DNA test.
Hello, Miss Parker.
Can I help you with anything?
Stop playing innocent.
We watched you push the
table in front of our door.
Oh, come on, man. That
could have been anybody.
[GROANS]
- Oh. You pulled your back?
- Yes.
- That's what you get.
- [GRUNTS]
Why are you [SCOFFS] making such
a big deal about a picnic table?
You wouldn't understand.
You're not a business owner.
Eve just wants the property between
our two businesses, you know.
She won't be happy till
everyone's a communist
wearing dance shoes. [GROANS]
You mean The Nutcracker?
And you know what else?
I think she hired you just
to get leverage over me.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
You really think everything's about you?
It's a big responsibility,
but I can handle it.
Dad, I am telling you,
she's a really great person
who just wants people
to have a place to eat.
You're an idiot.
You know, if you won't
stop this craziness for me,
at least do it for your grandkids.
They have stuff all the time,
and Eve gives me flexible hours.
I'm talking house cat hours.
- I hate cats.
- Dad.
All right, Heathcliff is a
good cat. I don't mind that cat.
Dad, I'm begging you.
Okay, okay, she can
keep the stupid table.
- If anything's stupid, it's
- [HUSHES]
You got your "fine."
I'll go move the table back.
- You're still talking to Carter today
- [HUSHES]
You can help me.
Hey, Matt, for what
it's worth, you're right.
You give a person like Eve an
inch, she gonna take a mile.
Why didn't you say something?
It's just not a good look for me.
Oh. Hey, Carter.
Hey, looking good, Pops.
I'm in a lot of pain. I can barely walk.
What do you mean I'm looking good?
Oh.
It's kinda how you always look to me.
- What happened?
- I moved a table to win a war.
Don't know what that means,
so I'm just gonna say, sweet.
You know, I'm already in a lot of
pain. I might as well double down.
I wanna talk to you about something.
- Sure thing. What's up?
- [SIGHS]
[SIGHS] Well, I've been noticing
your new habits, you know?
Eau de toilette, extended showers,
your allergy to wearing your shirt.
You know, sometimes when I
finish my push-up in my room,
I gotta let the pecs breathe.
Okay.
I'm thinking that since
your dad's not around,
maybe you and I could have that
"man-to-boy" talk about sex.
- Okay, let me stop you right there.
- No, no. No. It
- If you mean the sex talk
- Yeah.
I don't need it.
Well, we could call it something else.
How about dating? We'll talk
about dating a little bit.
Nope. I've learned everything
there is to know off the Internet.
I'm sure you've learned a lot
of things off the Internet.
- Everything.
- Everything?
Everything.
You know what I'm talking about, Pops.
What the hell is everything?
I don't know.
You gotta look at what he's looking at.
I agree, but what kind of person
breaks into a kid's laptop?
[BOTH] Georgia!
Sweetie, we need a favor.
You want Carter's password.
You're a scary little creature.
And yes, we do.
[TYPING]
- There you go.
- Wow.
So, what's this going to cost us?
Nothing.
Someday you'll just owe me a favor.
I hope I'm dead before
she wants that favor.
Well, that's what you get for
showing her The Godfather.
- Go to "search history."
- I'm there.
"Sci-fi Hub X." What is this?
Oh. Uh It's fan fiction, a
combination of romance and fantasy.
They call it "romantasy."
Kinda rhymes with "so sad to see."
"She faced the window
on four of her legs.
Her other two legs hung seductively."
"As the passion grew, I
reached for the back of her head
and grabbed a handful of her feathers."
Here's a link to a picture.
- [SCREAMS, SHUDDERS]
- Damn.
Are those alien privates?
Well, they're certainly not private
when they're hanging on
the front of your forehead,
or whatever that's called.
- Pretty well hung, though.
- Ugh.
Oh!
- [SCREAMS] Ugh!
- Oh! Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Okay, kind of weird.
"Kind of" weird?
That's like a reptile
combined with a parrot
and an alien getting it on.
This is just nuts.
When we were kids, all we had to look
at was National Geographic.
This is what kids should be looking
at: grass skirts and boobies.
At least it's less misogynistic
than most stuff online, right?
But should I be worried
this is what he's into?
Yes, I'd be worried.
A lot of dangerous weirdos online,
and now your kid's one of 'em.
You're right. I have to
talk to him about real women
before I wind up with a hot
serpent for a daughter-in-law.
Listen, I'm gonna let
you handle this one.
You may want to read that.
I'm gonna go upstairs and take
a nice hot Epsom salt bath.
- [GROANS] Oh.
- This is what you get for moving a table.
- [GROANS]
- Are you okay?
Yeah, at least I don't have
a son who's into romantasy.
Okay. Oh.
Well, this is twice as bad.
My dad agreed to one table.
He's gonna be livid when he sees two.
Why did you poke the literal bear?
Just over here poking. Poke,
poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.
It's okay, relax.
I've dealt with guys like
your dad my whole life
and they always underestimate
me because I'm a woman.
Or because I'm a dancer.
Or when I'm blonde.
Trust me, he'd be like
this with a man too.
Oh, no, sweet child, he wouldn't.
Those nasty emails in all caps?
Blocking the door with the table?
You don't do that when you think
you might get socked in the face.
To be fair, he might use that
old person email program
that's only all caps.
Well, your dad is a bully.
He yells at my dancers.
He tries to intimidate me.
Accuses me of taking his
parking space, which I do.
And guess what?
He's met his match, and
she is wearing a crop top.
Oh, my God. He was right.
You're diabolical.
Sick game recognizes sick game.
The two tables is my way of
saying, "Don't screw with me."
God, you should be a cult
leader, 'cause I would join.
You know, as long as the
cult had flexible hours too.
[HORN HONKING]
Well. He saw the tables.
[HONKING CONTINUES]
[EVE] Yeah.
Today is going to be entertaining.
["FREEDOM" PLAYING IN STUDIO]
I'm stuck to the dance floor ♪
With the, with the whole tape ♪
With the, with the,
with the whole tape ♪
Give you what you ask for ♪
Givin' you the whole shake ♪
I'ma give you the whole shake ♪
I'm stuck to the dance floor ♪
With the, with the whole tape ♪
With the, with the ♪
With the whole tape ♪
- I say, yeah ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Oh, yeah ♪
- Oh, yeah ♪
- Let me see you wobble ♪
- 'Cause, you do ♪
I'ma do, too ♪
When I move my body just like this ♪
I don't know why but I feel like ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
I hear a song that takes me back ♪
And I let go with so much ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
Free to live ♪
I'm gonna get ♪
'Cause it's my free ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
Two tables? There's
two tables out there.
This is why I don't
like making compromises.
People just take
advantage of my niceness.
Niceness?
You've been bullying me
ever since I got here.
You don't run things around here.
I just want you to know
you've made an enemy,
and a very powerful enemy.
[WINCES]
[HUFFS] Boy.
In my head, that was a
far more dramatic exit.
- What's wrong with your back?
- I don't know.
I did something to it
when I was moving the
the car. I pushed a car out of the way.
Well, dancers hurt their
lower back all the time.
This stretch helps. You
have to release the SI joint.
Like this.
[GRUNTS]
Oh.
Yeah.
Still hurts.
Now you try.
Ooh.
[SIGHS]
Like that?
That's not even close.
I'm doing just what you just did.
Yeah.
One
- There we go
- two
- Oh, b
- three.
Okay, not even close.
But you're some sort of athlete.
- [STRAINS]
- Yeah.
- We have to be.
- [SIGHS]
Just like Ginger Rogers.
She did everything Fred
Astaire did but backwards
- and in heels.
- And in heels. Yeah.
You watch old movies too?
My late wife and I
used to love them, yes.
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
I lost my husband too.
- Really?
- To a dancer on TikTok.
Now they're both dead to me.
Feels better.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Let me guess.
Two picnic tables aren't the
first sign of the apocalypse.
Riley really likes this job.
I don't want to do
anything to jeopardize it.
I
Maybe I don't need two picnic
tables out there either.
Damn right.
So I'll keep one.
Okay. One.
All right. Truce?
Truce.
And maybe stop cursing at my dancers.
I think that big guy likes it.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
What the hell?
What the hell?
Me agreeing to one table
wasn't enough for you,
so you had to get rid of it?
I didn't take the table.
- You didn't?
- Mr. Parker!
I didn't take the table.
I'll tell you one
thing, this kind of stuff
wouldn't happen up in the
residence of Cascade Hills.
You know what? This has gone too far.
- What?
- I'm sorry I fixed your back.
You know, you're making
it worse right now.
Good.
Good? So, I can be good when
you get the bill from my doctor.
- Hmm.
- Once again, this exit
I know. So much more
dramatic in your head.
This isn't over.
- This hasn't even begun.
- [MATT GROANS] Oh.
They scare me.
This talk is important.
Carter can't learn about
sex from that fantasy stuff.
And I can't unsee what I saw.
Hey, uh, what's up?
Carter, I want to talk
about women and their bodies.
- Oh, Mom
- Sit.
I'm out.
The Internet is all about male fantasy,
but I promise you there's nothing
more exciting than reality.
As you know, if the
egg gets an X chromosome
from both the male and female parent,
the resulting offspring will be
You know what?
- Let me take it from here.
- Okay. Okay.
Thank God.
[MATT] Okay, listen. Uh
Big picture.
Every living thing is like an engine.
Women's bodies are like the
carburetor to that engine, right?
They control the fuel and
air mixture, very important.
But they control the
power to that engine.
Okay, okay. Taking notes.
All right. No matter what you've
heard, women have all the power.
They control everything.
Never forget that.
Now who's into fantasy?
And we're talking about women with
two wings, right? Not four wings.
Griffin, not Pegasi, right?
Yeah. Page 49, pachyderm reproduction.
Study it.
Screw you, old man Parker.
If there's no skating in the alley,
there's no table in the alley.
It was those meddling kids.
Gotta say, "old man Parker"
has a nice ring to it.