Sin City Saints (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

22,000 seats, Three rows of luxury boxes, Restaurants from Batali, Ramsey, Flay, and we might even throw in a Chili's, Welcome to the future, This arena will be my legacy, Seriously? Proof to the city of Las Vegas that Jake Tullus was here, I thought the proof of that was all the strippers who are now driving BMWs, I can't help it that I'm a good tipper, It's in my nature, My mother taught me well, Your hair, Sass level's high today! You're welcome, Dusty, My office could be right here! You want this arena? It'll cost half a billion, And you need the city council to give you public funding, Melissa? They're split down the middle, And the council president, Dan Wilkerson, has the deciding vote, And Wilkerson is a minister, ultra-religious, doesn't drink or smoke, and is on record as saying that you might be the devil, He's a right-wing Christian family man, Guys, that's code for dirty, filthy pig, These guys are famous for hooker scandal and airport bathroom sex, He's gonna love me, He's gonna hate you, with the white-hot fire of 1,000 suns, Tell him about the thing, Tell him about the thing, God, there's nothing creepier than a giddy British boy, I don't know if I'm creepy, He's talking about the thing that you signed when you bought the team, which allows you two years to secure financing for the new arena, or else the league can take your team away and give it to another city, And leave Vegas? No, I refuse to live in a city without a fake volcano, Exactly, Wade, This is why I prepared a fiscal impact study, Oh, With subsections on job creation and- Blah, blah, blah, No, We're not going after Dan's head, we're going after his heart, He's a season ticket holder, Dusty, Sports makes fan boys out of grown men, My attorney refers to the New York Knicks as we, We're not gonna get what we want by appealing to the child in a man, No, that's exactly how we're gonna get it, Melissa plays poker tonight with the team, Let me take him there, let him win a few hundred bucks and he can rub shoulders with the players, No, No poker, He's Christian, We're taking him out to dinner and we're making the economic case for the new arena with facts, like adults, all right? And if that doesn't work, then I'll flirt with him, Oh, so you're gonna win him over with sex instead of gambling? Not sex, just a little female charm, These guys are all the same, They're hateful towards women because they're scared of us, but they secretly love us, That is some really sick lady logic, I want this too, all right? That's why I'm gonna be there tonight, to make sure you don't say anything stupid, Hey, hey, wait up, Why do you want this so badly all of a sudden? Cuz I like to win and if I can come in here and fix this shit show and get a new arena deal, I'm gonna look like a rock star to the commissioner, Truth, we kissed, then you ran off with coach Chippendale, Yeah, cuz he had the balls to ask me out, I have balls, I have big orange balls, Oh, really? Hey, Dusty can you, ew hand me that mop? So let's go out, No, the other night when we kissed, I was drunk and I was sad, That's my target demographic, In a lucid state, I never would have allowed that to happen, Why not? Same reason I can't allow you to be alone with the councilman, You're a little boy, I'm not a little boy, I'm a grown man, I'll prove it to you, I'll hold my breath until you admit that I'm not a little boy, The Saints are hanging tough, and the playoffs now are not out of the picture, And LaDarius Pope is rumored to be close to returning, Congrats on the clean bill of health, LDP, We're gonna play you in Milwaukee, Finally, I can't wait to go to Milwaukee, man, Said nobody ever, We're gonna do a social media campaign, following you while you do fun stuff there, Other than cirrhosis, there's literally nothing fun to do in Milwaukee, So LDP, you have a random drug test tomorrow, No problem, Sorry to interrupt, I'm bringing chocolates for my son, She loves the chocolate, So, you haven't taken any stimulants, methamphetamine, ephedrine, sibutramine? Gonadotrophins? Any of the -oxies? Nope, Great, Catch you tomorrow, These two dudes, Oh Jake, he is so dirty, What? If Lance Armstrong and A-Rod had a baby, he would be cleaner than Ladarius, What are you talking about? It's a Chinese herb, I put it in your tea, It's Chinese medicine, I had no idea it was banned, The side effect is it makes you last longer, You drugged me so I could last longer, I'm sorry, brown sugar, Jake, Jake, I can't get suspended, Don't worry, Ebony, Ivory will think of something, I need some clean pee from you, I won't pass, I'm dirty, Ask Wade, I'll fail, I'd really rather not, You want me to pee on you? Ask Byron, Ritalin, Collagen, Beta blockers for anxiety, Botox, Ask Melissa, Weed, I'm high right now, Cat tranquilizers, estrogen, I don't use covers on public toilets, I did blow on Valentine's Day, Monostat, ecstasy, one of my boobs is leaking, Oh, and I did blow with Todd on Valentine's Day, I probably still have a roofie left in me, Oh, and a meth head lost his tooth in my mouth, My urethra has calcified, Screw it, We'll just get clean pee off the internet, Go to the wizzwizz ,com and order a pint for tomorrow morning delivery, And get one of those fake strap-on penises, Oh, I have a bunch in my trunk, Not that kind, The one with the tube in it so it looks like Ladarius is really peeing into the cup, Okay, how do we pay? PeePal? Good one, Can I talk to you for a second, Melissa? Yeah, I was just joking about PeePal, I know, So tonight, after dinner, I'm gonna try to convince councilman Dan to come by the poker game, Oh, you want me to let him win? Yes, My uncle taught me to deal from the bottom of the deck, He's a known cheat and is banned from tons of casinos, I definitely want to meet him, Let's make sure Dan has fun tonight, Maybe let the girls come out and play? Undo a button or three, Like this? No, no, not now, Tonight, Oh my God, this is a workplace, I'm sorry, You know the new arena wouldn't be just for the Saints, It would host anything from galas, to revival meetings, to prayer breakfasts, And the naming rights will be available, We were thinking the Hobby Lobby Arena, Or the Christ Our Saviour Center for Christ-like Goodness, Look everybody knows it's a bad idea for cities to fund these kinds of things, How do I tell parents there's no money for schools and playgrounds, and then turn around and give taxpayer money to a, a, a womanizing rich guy for a monument to his own ego? Oh, come on, Dan, We have a whole PR team for that, Is that a rhetorical? Look, I read the papers, okay? I know about the clause that says if you don't build a new arena, they can move the team, Hey you're a big shot, Why don't you pay for it yourself? Cuz Dan, I want a partner, okay? Someone that can help with revenue, and civic pride, Well, maybe if you focus less on liquor and loose women, and tried a little prayer, Yes, Yeah, but I'd probably pray for a lot of liquor and loose women, Well, the power of prayer is awesome, I've been advocating to include it in public schools for years now, Yes, teach those atheists a lesson or two, right? Yeah, Exactly, That's what we need, more Christians in office and, that way, we could focus on teaching something like creationism instead of some batty theory like evolution, Yeah, Stupid science is dumb, We don't need it, Yeah, screw it, Then we can ban abortions and shame the godless whores who want them, Yeah! Shame those whores, I'm sorry, what? I mean, if these women wanna choose, maybe they should choose not to hop into bed with every guy who buys them a glass of chardonnay, am I right? I had the shrimp toast and it's to die for, not in the womb, though, These so-called feminists, they put their own carnal pleasures ahead of sacred human life, You know, in my experience, the men get more pleasure, Oh, man, What are you saying? I'm saying people like you want government out of everything in America except for my uterus, Hey Dan, why don't you crawl between my legs and plant a flag or something, you know, Claim that piece of land for America too, Dusty, we should talk about the economic impact of- Of unwanted pregnancies? Good idea, Of arena development is really what we should be saying at this point, Mm-hm, Yeah, And you know what, if men got pregnant, I bet you there would be abortion clinics on every corner, Maybe even vending machines where you just stick your junk in and get a 30-second abortion, Oh, and probably even a nice ball-stroking handy at the same time, No, You know I think I've listened to just about enough out of you, You've just listened to just about enough of me? Oh, you vagina phobic asshole, I've heard just about enough, thank you, Thank you for coming to dinner, Dusty, making sure I don't say anything stupid, Broads, You know what I mean? I, listen, I'm sorry, She's kinda like the office villain, No, I'm sorry, It's, it's, my wife is right, I should keep my opinions on lady parts to myself, No, Dan, Come on, hey, Bro code, okay? To be honest with you, I didn't even want to come to this stupid, boring dinner, I wanted us to go hang with the team and play in a poker game tonight, What, all the players? The good ones, The scrubs bowl on Tuesdays, Second game in a row, Guys, this is Dan Wilkerson, That's city councilman Dan Wilkerson, Dan, this is Billy Crane, local business owner and genius three-point shooter, Oh, big fan, I love your burgers, Thank you, man, Yeah, Looks like someone's been eating the profits, Your mother, That's Artahk Sundovk, he's recently been naturalized to this fine country of ours, Well, all right, A real man, Serbian, right? Yeah, Oh man, I loved your war, Thank you, Okay, and that is Wu Lee, the beast from the east, baby, Hi, I want you to know I'm not disappointed in you, That makes one of us, And Dan, this is Melissa, She's gonna be hosting this evening, It's nice to meet you Mr, Wilkerson, Please, you call me Dan, Okay Dan, That's more like it, Melissa, Dan, Melissa, Dan, Okay, now that we all know each other, can we sit down and play some poker please? Yeah, baby, Thank you, Jeez, It's small stakes, right? Oh, yeah, Dollar ante $20 dollar buy-in, We usually just eat Billy's burgers and try to get Wu to teach us dirty sayings in Chinese, My dad was a missionary in China, He taught me one, Yeah, it means, may your child be born with a big fat ugly head, Oh man, Looks like someone got the message to your mother, The whole family, you should see the whole family, it's bad, Okay, so are we going to do this? $20 buy-in? Oh, yeah, All right, High, low, Chicago, criss-cross, follow the queen! Oh, professional! Oh, I wouldn't say professional, Let's just start with five cards up oh, and careful, Dan, he's been known to cheat, He'll be looking to see the reflection of your cards in your shiny head, I doubt that's where he'll be looking at, am I right? Oh, I can cover up, No, no that won't be necessary Melissa, Okay Dan, Come on Melissa, You know we could really use a new arena Dan, Well I'll see what I can do Melissa, Atta girl, I bet 20, Fold, Fold, Yeah, Too rich for my blood, Yeah, I'm gonna fold, Shit, You lose again, Hello, Jake you gotta come back, it's bad, My mom, she knows, She knows, Okay, I'll be right there, Guys, I, I gotta go, I have an emergency, But you're, you're hosting Dan, That's all right, Melissa will keep an eye on me for you, Won't you Melissa? Sure Dan, And I'll keep an eye on Melissa, Yes he will, You have no right to violate my son! Hey, hey, hey, okay, I can explain, Go ahead then, Well, the heart wants what it wants, What does that even mean? They're in love, What? She only knew about the herbs I gave him, you dumb ass! This is a good occasion for a time machine! You've been sleeping with my son? It's more, We're in love, You're in love, You're in love? Mom, please, Ladarius, Mrs, Woo, this affair ends right now, It's over, Over, over for real or over like the last time when you told us to lie to everyone but keep banging, Oh my God, is there no end to your pernicious manipulation, I don't understand those words, He's right, brown sugar, I'm no good for you, Our love is doomed, What about the poetry and the bathtubs and the strawberries? Farewell, my love, Farewell, my passion orchid, You see Bernice, it's all good, He's gonna pass the drug test and he'll be crushing new ass in no time, You are banned from talking to my son, I'll snapchat you, Woo, the Lord is with me tonight, You really think he's up there making sure you get a pair of Jacks, Oh, yes I do, I think he protects his children from all forms of evil, I think he likes me more then he likes you, Then I'd have to say he has awfully good taste, I'll prove it to you, I will play you for your soul, high card wins my soul against yours, My soul, I'm not playing for my soul, I'll play you for 50 bucks, That's all you think your soul is worth? Come on, guys, This is a friendly game, Not anymore, That's really the only way to prove that God's protecting you, But, whatever, I have more faith than you, Ooh, Mm, Tell you what, if I win, I get your soul, If you win, I undo another button, Okay, I'm in, But only because I know he won't let me down, Oh, I never me a he who didn't let me down, I wouldn't let you down, Take it easy, Dan, Here we go, you're up first, A queen, for my queen, Okay, Oh! No! Gotcha soul! No, you gotta give it back! No, Please give it back! I wanna see you beg, Please, please, please, pretty please, pretty please with sugar on top, please! Sh-sh-sh-sh-shhh, Here's your soul, Don't mess with me Dan, Oh, that was exhilarating, Yeah, Yeah, It was, You guys have got serious issues, Nice going last night, you were smooth, There has to be a better way than dealing with that creep, Thanks to your debacle, we could have lost the arena but I may have saved it my way, Just admit that I'm a great man, The jury's still out on your greatness, Jake, your urine's here, Good, Yup, No, don't go in there, Get, get, right there It's frozen, What are we gonna do with a frozen piss-icle? You're the problem solver, Easy, Henry take it in the kitchen and thaw it out carefully, Okay, Sapphire, see if there's that fake in there, Ladarius needs it, Somebody obviously clicked the wrong box, I blame Melissa, Where is Melissa by the way? Haven't see her, If you're gonna buy a fake penis, you have to order it yourself, I had an accident, Henry, I said thaw it out carefully, We're going to need more pee, And a new microwave, What's going on? And why does it smell like pee in here? Henry blew up the pee brick, For Christ sake, Henry, put on some sweatpants, Can someone help him, please? Smelly man, How'd it go? Good, it was fun, We let him win a few hundred bucks, and he seemed happy, There's only one problem, What? He's texted me 30 times since 2 a,m, The unbuttoning thing really worked, That disgusting bald bastard, Gross, Hello, Jake, it's Dan, Dan, how are you, buddy? I'm just calling to say thank you for last night, Oh, come on, My pleasure, The guys had a blast, Well, that's good, I think I'm gonna go ahead and give you my vote, That is awesome news, Dan, Yes, Dan! I'm just going to need one little thing in return, Anything you need, buddy, Anything, doesn't have to be little, It can be big, Well, that's good to hear, I'm gonna need a romp with your girl Melissa there, Today, what the sinners call an afternoon delight, Serious, or? Oh, you know I am, This is a booty call, That girl is delicious, So if you want to seal this new arena deal, you better send her over to my room in the next few hours, I'll text you the hotel and the room number, Dan, I can't, New arena, public funding, I'll be waiting, You might want warn her though, I am into some weird shit, She better bring her A game, Oh yeah? Maybe send her over at, say, 4:30? I'm gonna take the Cialis at 4:00, Oh, God, Everybody wins, You win, I win, my little parishioner wins, Okay, All right, What? What? Are you serious? Before you jump to conclusions let's just- I'm, I'm not jumping, It's a small step away, We're here, conclusions here, The arena is important to all of us and the man to help us get that- No, No no, there has to be a better way, Anybody care to ask the girl who's being propositioned? You're not actually considering this, are you? I've been with worse guys, Bus boy from Olive Garden, Tollbooth guy, Two mall cops, I mean, at least Dan's nice, He's a weasel, He likes me, He's a creep, Okay, Melissa's talking, Go ahead, The weird part is that if he'd made a move last night, you know, touched my hand, stayed for one more drink, I might have gone home with him, Yeah, Is this really so different? Mm-mm, He's a married man, You've never slept with a married man? We're not talking about me right now, I don't know what to say, you guys, See, Dusty, women like you turn down men all the time, Men in this office even, Well, I don't, I mean, I bring a lot of things to the table, but a size two body isn't one of them, So yeah, I'm flattered when a guy likes my body, And Dan really likes my body, He thinks I'm worth a half a billion bucks, Well, you're worth way more than that to us, Yeah, And I am gonna spring for that new paper shredder in the office you've been asking for, You're really gonna let her do this? She's an adult, Dusty, Who am I to stop an adult from performing an act of loyalty to her boss? It isn't just for you, You said at dinner, a woman should be able to do whatever she wants with her vagina, That- Didn't you? Just, wow, Wow, Wow, You're okay with this, right? You're early, my queen, Jake? Oh, Yeah, I'm into some weird shit too, pal, Now piss into this cup or I'm gonna tell your wife about this, Let's go, What? You can kiss your arena goodbye, Oh, really? I don't need your money, I'm gonna fund it myself, Let's go, I see nothing coming out, I can't do it when you're watching, Would you please turn your head? Okay, Jake's on his way, Good, He's here! The tester's here! What am I supposed to do? Is the penis on? It's white! I can't wear a white penis! That's what you're worried about? If the tester sees it, tell him you have that Michael Jackson disease, Pedophilia? No way! Put your dick on! Go on, Oh, He's coming, Okay, Hello, I'm Dusty, Ted, Ted, Ted the tester, that has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Ted, this is Henry, Henry, Yeah, I got that, Some people call me Hey, Okay, Oh, and look at Sapphire, Hi, Ted, Hi, Is Ladarius-, Yeah, actually, ironically, he's in the bathroom, right now, I, I hope he saved some piss for you! Okay, can we please get-, Hey! Jake Tullus, Nice to meet you, Can we do this? Yeah, of course, Okay, good, Where's Ladarius? Ladarius? I think he's down, down, He's in the-, Oh, hey, there he is, Hey, bud, There we go, Ladarius, Hi, Fill this up, No problem, All right, Thank you, I'm supposed to watch, Do you have a slogan or anything? Like, I'm number one at collecting number one, Yeah, or at least it's not shit, Hello, Hey, We gonna do this, or what? Well, you're worth way more than that to us, Yeah, I'm gonna spring for that paper shredder, Sorry, Here we go, You haven't taken any stimulants? Methylphenidate? Ephedrine? Sibutramine? Gonatrophins, any of the -atzes, Remind him about the thing, God, there's nothing creepier than a giddy British boy! Oh, except for a naked redhead, Dirty, a little newborn hairless wombat boy, Henry, take it in the kitchen and thaw it out carefully, It's on! Shit! Damn it! I am so sorry! Collagen, Botox, Lip plumpers, Testosterone for improved erections, Yahoo!