Single Drunk Female (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

- That smell.
- It's not a good smell.
Yeah.
Let's hit it.
No, no, don't go near that.
Something's always oozing.
No? Okay.
This store, they open at 7:00.
It's the only place you can get "walk of shame" shirts before work.
- Really smart business model.
- Yeah.
Know what's dangerous when you've been drinking? Any white round thing that vaguely resembles a toilet.
Are you se You peed in that? Oh, my That's the highest squat of all time! - All right, all right, okay.
- Right.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to find it on your own? - Yeah.
- I know you're a grown man, but like, I do get a little bit concerned that you're not - I know.
Yeah, it's totally fine.
- No, no, no, not there.
-Does this ooze, too? What's going on? -No.
- Yeah? - I just feel like something happened on the bench.
I don't know what.
I'm having, like, a lot of half memories.
Okay.
Right now.
That bodega feels very familiar.
I have no idea why.
And also, we passed a parking lot back there, and something definitely happened in it.
Yeah.
- But I don't, I don't know what.
- Okay.
No, no, I get it.
I worked at this restaurant in high school, and I don't remember anything about it, just the drinks.
There was this vodka rum brain freeze that was perfect.
Uh Well, thank you for this tour of how you've thrown up in every trash can from here to Midtown.
Oh, I would never drink in Midtown.
Takes a lot of the pressure off.
Yeah.
Good, I'm glad.
Um, all right, well, go have fun.
I won't.
I am pitching my life's work to everybody that I hated in high school, so there you go.
Well, I'm gonna go find a crappy bathroom to change in.
Cool.
Sounds good.
I'll catch you later for a virgin brain freeze, right? - Yeah.
Oh, that's just ice, but - Sounds good.
- Good luck! - Thanks! It's so wild.
Like, they show you photos when they are toddlers or like when they're 12, but you cannot see them as adults.
Like, what did this nose grow into? You know? - Babe-a-rooney? Are you with me? - Yes.
Sorry.
- - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's select some semen.
No.
Okay, it's not a yucky game show, it's DNA.
- Okay.
- It's for our baby.
Okay.
"Engineer with an electric personality.
" Mmm.
Let's hear his voice.
I grew up with two younger sisters and one older brother.
Our parents were loving but very hardworking.
So not around a lot.
It's really nice and mellow, it's like a warm buttery scotch.
I wonder what inspired him.
What do you mean? What does that mean? You know, like in the room, in the lab.
You know, like Like, I think knowing that would be a lot more revealing than hearing the sound of voice.
God, what if he was, like, doing it while he was recording that? Yuck town.
- Right, Josh? - Josh was like "yuck.
" Hold on, sorry.
One sec.
Seriously? I have to respond to my sponsees.
It's my job.
- We can go back to this.
- It's literally not your job.
Okay, fine.
Whatever.
We will see you after, but then you'll probably have to do your real job and then we'll just never get back to it.
You always take him when you're mad at me.
I work off of his vibe, not the other way around, so turn inward.
Come on.
- He's freaking out.
- He loves me! Oh, there she is! Sammy Fink! You made it! Come on up.
- Up there? - Yeah.
- Come on up.
- Right.
Is there a? Yeah.
Get up here.
Come on, let's do it.
Come on in.
Make yourself comfortable.
Have a seat.
- Sweet office, right? - Yeah.
- Kick-ass view.
- Mm-hmm.
- I guess I'll - Yeah.
Cool chair, right? Spooky.
Yeah.
I've never sat in it.
So, is it comfortable? - Yeah.
- Oh, good.
- Mm-hmm.
- So, look, uh I gotta be honest with you, that-that thing you sent me is brilliant.
I mean, it really felt like an alcoholic's take on Joan Didion's "Leaving New York.
" Wow.
Thank you.
Yeah, I mean, we would never publish it here, but you should definitely submit it somewhere smarter.
Okay.
Um, what kind of stuff do you want to publish here? You know, we're looking for a voice, a female voice, something that's, you know, a little snarky, kinda bitchy, but you know, not in a mean way.
It's coming from the woman, so it's cool.
Just somebody to kind of cover local events like gallery openings, plays, interactive experiences, whatever those are.
I think I could do that.
I have a female voice, - I'm not mean all the time.
- Right.
Look, Sam, um You could be a really good fit here, that's why I thought of you, but, um I gotta I gotta be honest with you.
Smug Media, they're owned by a parent corporation.
And that corporation is all about "accountability.
" - Right.
- There were concerns.
There were worries when your name came up because of your past behavior and Yeah, yeah.
You can tell them that I'm fully accountable now.
I mean, I have to be, I have a probation officer.
Uh, I will definitely not tell them that.
But, good to know.
- Okay, I gotta ask.
- Mm-hmm.
Was I your bottom? Yeah, everyone always wants to know that, but there wasn't really a specific thing; it was just kind of like a hole that I kept digging and digging and digging.
You know.
Ruined my relationship with my mom, ruined my relationship with my friends, impossible to date anybody I just kind of ended up as this, like, broken, sad, empty shell of a human being.
Oh.
Okay.
You know, I also, um I threw up on the Staten Island ferry once and the wind kind of blew it right back in my face.
Oh, God.
- Gross! Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Did it get in your mouth? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
And then did you throw up again? Like Oh, my God.
See? This is the kind of stuff I love.
Like, this if we were still at Bzzzzzzzzz, this would be a perfect listicle.
Oh, my God.
- Hey, James? Trip Nemshin.
- How's it going, man? So, where's the rest of your team? Oh, no team, just me.
Oh.
No, uh, no system architect? No, I did the infrastructure, the coding, all of it.
Wow, that's rare.
Never see that.
Yeah, I'm like a good steak, right? - Because of the rare - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's see what you got.
- Okay.
All right.
- Come on back! - Yeah.
There you go, buddy.
- You have a good one.
- Thanks, man.
- Hot dog no relish lady.
- Yeah, that's me.
- Hot dog guy! - Yeah.
I always wondered if you were still alive.
Well, uh yeah.
I'll I'll take a hot dog, no relish.
Whoa.
Sorry, can you break a hundo? Good for you, hot dog no relish, you're doing well.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Seven, eight, fifteen.
Nice.
- Wait, wait.
It's Sam.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Hi! - Hey.
Are you okay? How'd it go? It was, uh, it was super weird, but I got myself a hot dog to feel better and I just wanted to say thanks for the cash.
- What cash? - The hundred you slipped in my bag.
I mean, I'm gonna blow it all in the bodega, but I appreciate it.
I'll, uh, I'll call you if I hear anything, okay? Love you.
Four, five, six.
Eight, sixteen Did you give my daughter money? Yes.
Yeah.
You know, it's New York.
I always tell my kids you gotta have money for the muggers.
What? Money for the muggers, you know, if you get mugged, you gotta, you know, take the money out, show them, throw it that way, and you run the opposite direction.
Why would you give my adult daughter money? And why would you do that without asking me first? I-I didn't even I didn't even think it was a thing.
I mean, I didn't think that was gonna be a problem.
I'm so I You're right.
No.
I should've definitely consulted with you on that.
Yeah, I didn't.
That's my bad.
I got "vane.
" I got "vane" here, like a weather vane.
That's 16 points.
That's pretty good.
You're up.
- Hello? - Sammy Fink, what're you up to? Uh, you know, not much, just gonna walk around, maybe buy a hot dog again.
Oh, really? Ugh.
Don't put that crap in your body.
It's not Well, listen, not that I monitor women's bodies.
Eat whatever you want.
I love all types.
You know.
Big, fat, skinny, Scandinavian.
Um, anyway, listen, some of us are going out later, you should join us.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
- Uh, who's "us"? - You know, like, just some colleagues and some general office assholes.
You know, the kinda people you gotta vibe with to get the job.
Awesome, yeah.
I will definitely be there.
Thank you.
- Sweet.
I'll send you the details.
- Okay.
Listen, just be yourself.
All right? Not your old self, uh, your new self.
Uh, but not the new self from today, just, you know Focus on the fun parts and don't worry about the sad stuff.
- All right? - Yeah.
I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
Bye.
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Love it.
Cool.
Well, I look forward to hearing from you guys No, no need.
I knew I wanted it before you got here.
How can we make this official? So, you wanna buy it? Yeah.
Okay.
Can't tell if you're excited or terrified.
Well, I'm an alcoholic, so both.
Hi.
My boobs are huge.
Like, they have swelled up an entire cup size from the injections.
- Well, you look amazing.
- No, I don't.
No, I like I got in the best shape of my life to launch Girl Boston, and now I'm gonna swell up like a bullfrog for like a year, and I'm gonna get jawline breakouts.
Like, you've seen my high school yearbook, it's gonna be really bad.
Baby, who cares? You're gonna be pregnant.
It's okay if your appearance changes.
- It's medically advisable.
- And then also, Joshy was in here, and I was singing him his song Like He doesn't love me anymore or something.
Or like he doesn't recognize me anymore because I'm fat.
You're not fat.
That's crazy.
- Baby, what is going on? - I don't know.
I don't know what's going on.
I mean, like, are we ever gonna do this? - Yes.
Of course.
You're so close.
- Yeah, I'm so close.
Are you? Yeah.
So, like, the last three miles of the marathon It's like a whole other race, but if you hydrate you're fine.
- You didn't - Sam! - Hey, what's up? - Hi.
- Hi.
You made it.
- Yeah.
What's going on? Do you want a drink? Like an OJ or a seltz? Cranberry She's sober, guys.
But it's cool.
It's totally fine.
I'm good.
- Is that okay to say that? - Thank you.
Yeah.
Everybody be cool.
This is Sam Fink, she's our top candidate for the party reporter job.
All right? So be nice, please.
Meaning don't be yourselves, ha-ha, ha-ha - So, that's cool.
Sober, huh? - Yeah.
You know, my brother's in the program and he still rages.
I mean, he used to be, like, way more fun at Christmas parties when he drank, but - Cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I was just wondering You just said "party reporter," and I kind of thought the job was like a like a cultural events type thing.
Is the? You know, it's like a combo.
Like, you're writing, but there's parties.
- Cool.
- And Topher would do, like, - party stuff at bars.
- He would.
- He was the last party reporter.
- Oh, cool.
Yeah.
And so he always goes to bars, and he was So, what happened to What happened to Topher? Does he, like, does he smell bad or? - Oh, he was great.
- He was good.
He was so great.
He just partied a little hard.
So, you know, he'd get so wasted that he didn't turn stuff in on time.
Yeah, and you know, and he-he lost custody of his kids.
- It was pretty bad.
- Oof.
But that's not a problem for you 'cause you had a bad girl phase - and now that's in the rearview, right? - Yeah.
And now you're just like Smooth Sailing Sam.
Right? - Uh-huh.
- But I We'll figure it out.
I don't want you - It's fine.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
- You're sure? Okay, good.
So, where are you, uh, living, anyway? Uh, Malden.
Okay, cool, I think I've heard of that.
Is that, like, near Bushwick? Where, uh oh, where the unicycle thing is? Sorry, I'm gonna step out for one second.
- All right.
- Sorry about that.
- Bye, nice to meet you.
- Is she okay? - I don't know.
Where's Malden? - Did I say something? Hey.
- Back at the bench.
- Yeah, I see that.
Maybe if you sit here long enough you'll remember.
Uh I don't know if I want to remember.
What if it was really bad? Like I made out with a finance bro - in boat shoes or killed a guy? - Right.
Yeah, that's the wild part about this whole thing, it's just like You have some stuff that you might not want to remember.
Like, take me, for example.
Well, I'm glad I remembered you.
Me, too.
Can I? Okay I just feel like I was so sad, you know? Why was I so sad? Well, maybe that's okay.
You're not sad anymore.
Your life is heading in a good direction.
- You might get that job.
- I don't know if I want that job.
This place just doesn't feel good for me.
I don't know.
I feel like I really needed to be here, but I don't know why.
It's like I wasn't even here in the first place, you know? Yeah.
Oh, man.
I found out my dad died on this bench.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
- That's, that's a bad one.
- Yeah.
- We should go.
- All right.
Smush.
I'm smushing the tush.
You're so sweet.
- How did you get so sweet? - Joshy Josh.
Smushy smush.
Good boy.
Go, Joshy, shoo.
He was just starting to love me again.
Do you wanna talk? Okay.
I'll talk.
I'm sorry that I've been creating distance.
It just feels so wrong to be inviting a man in.
It's like, there's gonna be some random dude who's a plus-one in our pregnancy.
No, I know.
It's It feels so like heterosexual, all of it.
I wish we could have the baby just the two of us.
I learned recently that, if you go back like seven generations, you don't actually share that much DNA with your ancestors.
So, like, even though they're, like, your whole culture, and your background, and your history, you're not actually biologically connected to them.
It's love like, love is what makes a family.
And, like, there's so much love for a child before you even start.
Well, that's kind of beautiful.
What if I carried it? You carried the baby? I wanna share it.
I-I don't want you to have to do it alone.
That's so sweet, but But then, I mean You would have to do so many tests, like, we you would have to check for fibroids, and make sure that your body isn't gonna reject the tissue.
Like, it's a lot.
Don't tell me any more things or I'm gonna back out.
- I love you so much.
- And I love you.
Is there still weirdness here? I-I There's weirdness.
- I feel it.
- No.
We're normal.
It's fine.
Dinner was good.
Okay, Carol, come on.
Look, I am very, very sorry.
You're right, it was inappropriate and it must be weird for you that your new boyfriend is slipping your kid money behind your back.
I get it.
I know what you meant.
You know, she's She's just a kid in-in a big city, and she could use a boost.
And that's all it was.
I-I would do the exact same thing for my kids.
And that's what threw me.
You're stepping in for someone who isn't here.
And I miss him.
Yeah.
I know.
Way to bury the lede, man.
You let me whine about a bench and you sold the thing? -Are you kidding me? That's amazing.
-Yeah.
I don't know how to feel, though, because, like I don't know, there's an odd comfort to failure.
- Yeah, well, sing it, sister.
- Yeah.
You sure you don't want me to stick around while you finish the stuff? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I can just, like, catch another bus.
Yeah Don't ask me that.
Um Because I don't know if I can keep saying no to you.
I'll see you in Malden.
- Okay.
- Yeah? - Um, do you wanna? - No, you can I'm just Cool.