Single Long (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

1
So I'm trying
online dating.
Yay.
Am I embarrassed?
Yeah.
But it's simple, really.
I want a girlfriend.
I want to find somebody
that I actually like.
And in my everyday life
that does not happen.
Do you want to know what
I did last Saturday?
Nothing at all.
I told my roommates
that I was going on a date.
There was a girl
who was really into me
and I told her that I was going
to California for two weeks.
That is not even
remotely true.
I had a friend who was
going to a concert.
And I said I couldn't go
because I was in a band.
Which is true,
I was in a band,
and I told them
that I had to go
because I was gonna focus
on getting into grad school
for anthropology.
I know nothing
about anthropology.
I think that's
what Indiana Jones did.
I just avoid people.
So maybe your site's
the answer.
It's not like it can
get any worse.
(vibrating)
Isaac:
Hello?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry,
who is this?
Oh.
Single Long,
yeah, that's me.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
(laughing)
Yes!
Do you think
we'll get to sell out?
I hope we get
to sell out, dude.
How we gonna spend
the money?
- I don't know.
- Can we buy a car?
Let's buy champagne
and caviar.
We're doing it, dude.
We're doing it.
- This is really happening.
- I just want to touch
your face.
We really have a website.
We're really
(exhales)
It's calming me down.
People with money,
nobody can tell them
what to do.
Yeah, they can literally
dress however they like.
'Cause, fuck it,
if they disagree,
we will pay them
money to agree with us.
Pete: What
is that
- Yeah.
- Is that Ayla?
Yeah, it is.
It's got to be one of
the posters for her show.
- Hey, look who it is.
- How's it going?
Have we got some news
for you.
- What?
- Someone bought Single Long.
- Are you serious?
- I'm dead serious.
- Oh, my God!
- Congratulations.
It's good news.
Hey, hey.
I know, it's so
exciting, right?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
I'm gonna go find
out right now.
I'm going to Archer Heights
to meet these Russians
- or something
to talk about it.
- It's crazy.
Are you coming
to my show tonight?
No, I am not coming
to your show tonight.
I am working.
So just think of them
as swarthy Europeans
with huge checkbooks,
all right?
Pete:
That's not
a comforting image at all.
- Cheers.
We're gonna be huge.
- Good luck.
I'm sorry if I'm distracted.
I'm just going through
the show in my head.
No, that's fine.
I totally get it.
You got to do
what you got to do.
What's that line
for my punch line
in the porn
in that porn joke?
- Do you remember?
There's something about cum.
- I don't remember.
- I don't remember the cum line.
- I don't think I know it.
Fuck. Fuck!
Sorry.
- Hey.
- I don't have it
written anywhere.
- Do you remember?
No, I'm sorry.
- Calm down.
Calm down.
You've got it.
You've got it.
You're a little nervous.
You're a little nervous.
- Here's what I do
when I get nervous.
- Okay.
- I shake it out.
Start in the arms.
- Shake it out?
Bring it down.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna make me look
stupid if I'm the only one
doing this on the street.
All right,
jump up and down.
Don't be shy.
Don't be shy.
We're in public.
You don't know
any of these people.
All right, put 'em up.
Put 'em up.
- I'm gonna hit you
in the uterus.
- Oh, God, no.
Now in the face.
Uterus and face.
- All right. Okay.
- Those are the two places
girls hurt, right?
Okay, now say it
with me, right?
Grab it by the balls,
yank it down, and fuck it.
Grab it by the balls,
yank it down.
- Don't fall.
It works, right?
- I feel kinda good, yeah.
Looks a little silly,
but totally works.
Totally. That felt good.
I feel energized.
(Ayla exhales)
(trash cans rattling)
- (knocks)
- Who is it?
Uh, hi.
I'm Isaac.
- Isaac, from the phone?
- Hi, yes.
- Yes, yes, come in.
- Albert, hi.
- Please, sit down.
- Oh, okay.
- This is my wife Agatha.
- Oh, hi.
- And business partner.
- Very nice to meet you.
Very nice
to meet you, ma'am.
Isaac from Single
Single what is it?
- Single Long.
- Single Long, yes.
Here it is.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
We've got our girls on
the left there, we got
our boys on the right.
- I've seen the site.
It's good.
- Oh, great.
- You do this yourself?
- Yeah, I did it myself.
Good. It's okay.
(music playing)
(people chatting)
Do what you wanna do ♪
- I'm glad you're here.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Me, too.
Okay, I know we're having
a moment here, but please
try not to cry.
(laughs)
You know, that was
my whole plan.
I was gonna cry and then
get sympathy points.
Feel like I really got to
be working that angle.
Or I could have thought
you were pathetic.
Sure, it could go
either way.
So, is Joe
coming today?
'Cause I don't want to get
beat up by your boyfriend
just for being here.
Is Amanda coming?
No. No, no, no.
No Amanda.
That is over,
done, finished.
- Really?
- Over and out. Yeah.
Completely.
- Congrats, dude.
- I know, yeah.
Up top.
- Took me long enough to figure
that one out, didn't it?
- Way to go.
Jeez. Not making a whole lot
of progress on that front,
to be honest with you.
I mean, I haven't been with
anybody since Amanda.
I haven't even really
kissed anyone.
- It's just not really
going the way I thought it
- Wait.
You haven't kissed
anyone since Amanda?
Well, no.
Here's what I want.
Single Long.
You make much money now?
We just launched
the site today, but we've
got this client base
Okay, so no money.
That's what I thought.
A little bit of
not a lot.
Here's where I am.
We have, Agatha and me,
have SingleLadies,
HotSingles,
SingleMamas.
- Things like this, you see?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, dating websites.
We give you $200
for the name.
$200 today,
you sell me name.
We take down what's there now
and put up advertisements.
We sell.
What about what about
what about my site, though?
All right,
we'll do business.
$200
and a nice
computer monitor.
And you need
air conditioner?
I
- Come with me.
- Okay. What
- Come here.
- Why? What's going on?
You need to kiss that wall.
- What?
- It's all you.
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
- I'm not gonna kiss the wall.
- You have to kiss the wall.
You've never kissed
an inanimate object before?
No, I've never kissed
an inanimate object before.
Nobody kisses
inanimate objects.
- You've never kissed a wall?
- No.
- I don't believe you.
- You don't believe me?
The fact that you don't
believe me proves to me
that you are totally insane.
You already proved it.
Just looneying it up.
Oh, if you think
that making
that you doing that is gonna
make me have to do it,
then you're probably right.
You got to do it.
I can't believe
I'm actually doing this.
All right, wall,
let's get nasty.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Grind up on it.
Okay, that's enough.
- You're making me jealous.
- You like that, though, huh?
Um, I probably should head
to the stage right now.
Sure, yeah.
I hope that helped.
Yeah, I think it did.
I just feel
like I'm squandering
my opportunities.
One day I'm gonna wake up
and my legs are gonna suck
and anytime I try to lift
something heavy, my back
is gonna hurt.
And maybe I won't be able to see
well enough to drive anymore.
And my fingers will be
filled with arthritis.
Obviously I'm not
getting erections.
And there'll be all these things
that I physically can't do.
And most of these things
right now I just don't do.
So nothing will change.
It's just that right now
I actually choose to
live like this.
I have been having
a conversation with myself.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, about my life.
And ever since
I moved here from China,
I've been living with you.
- Uh-huh.
- And some of that's
been really good.
And some of that's
been not so good.
Like, for example,
you don't really like people.
You're not into
new experiences.
Okay, fair.
You and Pete
are not nice.
And I love you guys,
but I have a lot of love.
And I think that I can
spread that around to more
people than just you two.
- Noah.
- I got a train to catch, man.
- You take care.
- Noah.
- You take care.
- Yeah. Yeah, you, too.
Hey, also
do some good.
Bye.
(sputters)
(light applause)
- Pete: Go, Ayla!
- Thank you.
Ayla!
- Yeah!
- Thank you so much.
I am so excited
to be here in Chicago.
I love this city.
younger than me,
and he was cute, too.
So, of course, during
the exam, I was moaning,
- giving him a sneak preview.
- (phone vibrating)
- (light laughter)
- But it was weird.
It got me thinking.
It's crazy to think
that some of my future
boyfriends
Um, hi.
Hi, I'm Isaac.
I'm 24 years old.
I, uh
I can't actually think
of any words
to describe myself.
(chuckles)
Any good words.
- Thank you so much.
- (applause)
When you take that pitch ♪
And straight up switch ♪
And soothe that itch ♪
- Hey. How'd it go?
- Hey. It was great.
- It was awesome.
- Really?
- Yeah, I really liked it.
- Thanks.
- It felt good.
- Yeah, I like your stuff.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong?
I
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm fine.
Kinda fine.
Yeah. Guess that means
nothing changes.
Yeah.
But I think
I'm all right with that.
For now.
Um
conceited, judgmental,
full of shit,
cold, guarded
lonely.
(chuckles)
Jesus.
I'm really glad
I'm editing this
because if somebody bitched
and moaned to my camera
like this, I'd be pissed.
So I'm gonna start again.
Um
hi, I'm Isaac.
I'm 24 years old.
I'm a Capricorn.
I'm 5'8".
I'm balding.
And
I'm interested
in meeting somebody
I don't really know
what kind of person
I'm interested in.
I guess somebody who makes
me curious about them.
I guess I'd like
to meet somebody
who makes me
want to be better
than I am.
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Oooh-ooh. ♪