Sledge Hammer! s01e07 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
The winner of tonight's seventh annuaI Elvis impersonator contest is none other than contestant number 21, Harold Lauderneck! killed in the last three weeks! What on earth could the motive be to murder Elvis impersonators? - To get in the Guinness Book.
- Hammer, this is serious business.
Performers are dropping like flies! I suggest you get over to the county coroner's office and see what you can find out! I'm gettin' it again.
There it is.
There it is! I will never figure out how people time and time again can do something like this.
The taking of a human life is just deplorable.
Not that.
Drawing chalk outlines around bodies - it's a ridiculous way to make a living.
I'll yell you, this has got to be the strangest seriaI killings I've seen since that weirdy was bumping off anybody who's ever been on Candid Camera.
Next of kin been notified? Yes, but none of them could identify the bodies.
They all look alike.
Dead ringers.
Well, I hope nobody's offended, but I'm just gonna eat lunch.
What? You're gonna have lunch now? I know it's an odd time to have lunch, being so late in the afternoon but I cannot afford to skip meals.
What exactly was the method used to do in these Elvises? The assailant struck each victim in the head, using a blunt object.
- What kind of blunt object? - I'm not exactly sure.
But fragments have led me to believe that the weapon was gold plated.
- Gold plated? - Yes.
And it's my guess that each one of the fataI blows was administered by a microphone.
A microphone? We should bring some game show hosts in for questioning.
Mm, look at this.
Aah! Would you please stop eating? It's in very poor taste.
You're right, I'm sorry.
You're absolutely right.
I should have brought enough for everybody.
I've got to get ready.
Photographers are coming to take pictures of myself with all these dead Elvises.
- For the newspapers? - No, the Guinness Book! Imagine what it's like being a coroner.
Knowing the first thing to greet you in the morning is a dead body.
Of course I can imagine, Doreau.
I was married for five years.
'Let's go over what we know so far.
' have been murdered.
- They have one common denominator.
- They're all dead.
I insist you adopt a more serious demeanour towards this case.
You're using it to make mediocre jokes.
Don't be fooled, Doreau.
My mind is slowly putting the pieces together.
Sooner or later, I'll get that beef jerky and when I do How's this investigation coming? Any leads? No, but after a few more get killed, we'll have more to go on.
A few more Hammer! You're not supposed to let anybody else get killed! You're supposed to stop it! Look what the press has labelled this creep.
This makes me wanna throw up! Look at that.
Why is the press always glorifying violent people? Why don't they write about somebody like me? Sir, can't we postpone these contests? Under the circumstances.
We tried that.
The promoters refused.
They're building up to the finals.
These are the preliminaries.
Sort of the elimination rounds.
I know what you're talking about.
I feeI a migraine coming on.
I have found a method of stopping those headaches for good.
- What is that? - Acupuncture.
- Get away from me.
- I'm good with needles.
- Get away from me with the needles.
- I do this on myself.
I Here, listen, watch.
- I am known for this.
- No, it's gone! - Give me one chance.
- Stay away from me.
- No needles! - His loss.
He had sideburns that were thick and bushy and his jaw was very rigid-like.
- What's shakin'? - Another murder.
- This woman was a witness.
- Confess! I know you did it! Talk! - I'll get it out of her.
- She's a witness, not a suspect.
Sorry.
- I don't know where my head is at.
- Aha! I think I've got it.
Ma'am, is this the assailant you saw? That's him.
This is the killer.
We have a link between our killer and his victims.
We have to round up all the Elvis impersonators with criminaI records.
I hate to admit this, Hammer but you're right! It's a shame That's Incredible! isn't on any more.
Can the comments, Hammer.
Do any of these men resemble the attacker you saw in the parking lot? Yes.
- Well, which one? - All of them.
Is there one in particular? It's either the second or the fifth man.
Would it help if we asked him to speak? Wait.
Got a better idea.
Number two, step forward.
Do a little bit of your act.
- Hm - Stop screwing around! Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Hey, baby, hm That's terrible.
Thank you.
Hold the applause untiI the end OK, number five, same thing.
Love me nah nah nah-nah nah Elvis is my name Ha, la la ahoy, baby Hey, na na na-na na-na na - Oh, ha, baby - That's the one! That's the man I saw.
- Are you certain? - Yes! He's the killer.
Clear 'em out of there, please.
If you follow me, I'll file your report now.
Well, Captain, we got our man.
Any chance of me rockin'n'rollin' on his skull? The man identified is a cop put there to test the witness's credibility! We're back at square one.
Not true, Captain.
We can set a trap for this lard-head.
We'll lure him in.
I got just the right bait.
- What's that? - Me! I'm gonna do Elvis.
'Tired of the humdrum routine of work?' 'Put on some blue, suede shoes 'and become one of the millions of successfuI Elvis impersonators.
' 'Our instructors will teach you everything you need to know.
' 'So call us today.
We're fully college-accredited.
' I've checked the background of each victim.
Every one of them have attended that schooI.
- Uh-huh.
- So I took the liberty of enrolling you.
What do I need to go to some crackpot schooI for? I know how to imitate Elvis.
You just move your lips and twitch your hips and look bloated.
But maybe the killer also went to the schooI and knew his victims.
You can go there and see if you can find out about past students.
That's a good idea, Doreau.
You know, I hate to admit it but sometimes you think like a man.
I respect that.
Thanks a lot.
Coming from you, that's quite a compliment.
Be carefuI, Sledge.
Attempting to snare a seriaI killer could end in death.
I certainly hope so.
I haven't killed a seriaI killer in months.
But if I ever do lose my life in the line of duty, there's one very important last request I'd like you to do.
Sure, Sledge, what is it? Make sure my transmission gets rebuilt.
Good afternoon.
Welcome to the SchooI of Elvis Impersonators.
I'm your instructor, Mr P.
After you finish this 12-week course, I'm gonna have moulded you boys into The King.
Class has begun.
You're late.
That depends.
If I didn't show up at all, this could be considered early.
Why don't you just take a seat in the rear? First, let me tell you about myself.
I've been doing Elvis for 35 years.
I'm the best.
I'm so good Elvis himself, in his later years, came to me for a refresher course.
This guy's really out to lunch, huh? Hey, you.
Come up here.
You ain't nothin' but a troublemaker.
You had any troublemakers like me recently? Why in hell would you ask that, boy? I guess I just have a suspicious mind.
I don't think you can make it in my class, smarty-pants.
You're gonna have to prove it to me that you can.
Right now.
Or I'm bootin' your hide out of this class.
Now dance! - What? - I said dance! I wanna see if you've got a naturaI sense of rhythm.
Move your body, boy, and dance! Is that your best stuff, boy? You ain't nothin' but a big, old wuss.
You think I'm a wuss? All right! All right! You want an encore? You're not supposed to be in here! This is the student record room.
Private.
I'm calling the police.
Hold off, friend, I am the police.
Inspector Sledge Hammer.
- I'm on an investigation.
- Investigation? Maybe you can help me.
Can you think of any past students who might have, I don't know, acted strangely? Yes, all of them.
Can you think of one who might have resorted to murder? I'm not answering any more questions.
Leave.
Right now! I want to get home in time to watch Mr Belvedere.
I guess somebody has to.
The department got you in here but to lure the killer you have to win.
Don't worry, Doreau, I'll win.
You haven't rehearsed.
You don't even know what song you're singing.
Neither did Elvis.
Listen, I'm gonna win because whatever I put my mind to do, I do.
Sheer will is my greatest talent.
Well, I have to admire your confidence.
Sure you're not nervous? I've never been nervous in my life.
Now, where am I in this line-up? You're following a guy from Dallas and preceding someone from Miami.
Between Dallas and Miami? What a terrible place for me to be.
I'll be rootin' for you.
Now it's time to bring out our next contestant, Mr Sledge Hammer! Kiss me, darlin' Oh, kiss me on the lips .
.
on the mouth Kiss me Every way Kiss me north and south Kiss Kiss me If you kiss m Kiss me - Get out of here! - Kiss me Shut up! Shut up! One thing I demand from an audience is courtesy.
Well, I've never met a woman Look exactly like you, oh no Well, I've never met a woman Look exactly like you Well, I've never met a woman Bad news as you Hoo! Glory, glory Hallelu-u-u-ujah His truth Is marchin' on His truth Is marchin' on Whoo! Glory, glory.
Top that.
I'm sorry.
That was reflex.
I can't believe it! You were brilliant.
I know.
Well, I've done my part.
Let's see if one of my scum-sucking competitors takes the bait.
Freeze, sea-eeI! I'm booking you for a lifetime engagement.
What's the matter, man? I was just trying to congratulate the guy.
I don't need your kind of praise, ringworm.
Get him outta here.
- Looks like we got our man.
- Are you sure? I didn't see his golden microphone.
That's part of his MO.
The golden microphone is probably a load of bunk.
Let's see if that bar is still open, I'll buy you a soda pop.
That man has a golden microphone! Thanks a lot, I really need you to tell me these things Who the heck d'you think you are? I'm the greatest impersonator of Elvis who has ever lived.
It was you.
You killed them all.
- Why? - Because I am clearly superior.
I was laughed at.
That's why they all had to die! OK, freako, but that doesn't explain why you chose not to waste me.
- I knew you were policeman.
- Only one person could have known.
I know that guy! He's the janitor in the Elvis schooI.
I also clean night clubs! For years I have had to watch people inferior to me enjoy the bright lights.
I can do Elvis more efficiently than any of you! Consider yourself under arrest.
And consider yourself dead! Hold it! Goodbye, Sledge Hammer! - Horrible.
Just horrible.
- I know.
That was the worst high note I ever heard.
Hammer! Hammer, you'll be hap Hammer! That freak that you bagged is going to make a full recovery from his electrifying performance.
Oh, Captain, don't be crueI.
Oh, I'm sorry, Hammer.
I know you're sensitive about Elvis puns.
It was unintentionaI.
Really.
Oh, Hammer! Are you all shook up over sending a man to do the jailhouse rock? I'm gettin' outta here.
I'm fed up with hearing about Elvis all the time.
- Maybe I'll take a vacation.
- Where will you go? Graceland.