SMILF (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [BRIDGE.]
Larry, this is a big day.
- You know why? - [LARRY.]
No.
Diaper-wearing time has officially run out.
You are a big boy.
We gotta learn how to use the toilet.
- Deal? - No.
Not a deal.
If you go on the toilet, you can bonk me.
Okay.
- You wanna bonk me? - Yeah.
Oh! Now you wanna go on the toilet? - No.
- Okay.
You know, sometimes you'll get to pee like this, standing up.
Wonder why I don't pee standing up.
Okay, I'll sit on your toilet and then you sit on my toilet.
Okay? Okay.
[LARRY.]
You don't fit on there.
I do too.
You said you'd learn how to use the toilet today - Do you want to use the toilet? - No.
- Please? - No.
Can you hold up your side of the bargain? I'm on your toilet.
Get on my toilet.
Ugh.
I'm a terrible mother, huh? I don't know how to do this.
Does that make you feel guilty enough to try? - No.
- No.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
And I was an orphan Till you came along I was an orphan Till you came along Life wasn't so fun In fact, it was wrong But all that's left to do is Hold on [WHISTLING.]
[DOG WHINES.]
[GROANS.]
Seriously? Hey, buddy.
- Morning.
- [DOG WHINES.]
Good morning.
Whoa.
What are you doin' here? It's my house, Rafi.
What are you doin' here? [RAFI CLEARS THROAT.]
Last night, um [DARK TONES.]
I got locked out of Sober Living.
Hmm.
Well, you know, there's these neat things all over Boston You know, beds, showers Called hotels.
Where's Bridgette? [ELIZA.]
She's dropping Larry off with Tutu.
Cute dog, but you need to get out.
If Virginia saw this, you and the dog here, she would freak the fuck out.
- [RAFI.]
Okay.
Okay.
- And you know it.
- Get dressed.
- [RAFI.]
Uh-huh.
Put my sofa bed back how it was, and you have a good day.
Hey, I'm sorry, okay.
I'm gone.
[BRIDGE.]
Mother? [TUTU.]
Go away.
[BRIDGE.]
Mommy? - [TUTU.]
Go away.
- It's Bridgette.
[TUTU.]
I know.
Go away.
I'm sleeping.
[BRIDGE.]
Well, you gotta get up.
I still can't get Larry to use the toilet and I need you to do it, and he's downstairs waiting.
What? Why? What do you mean, why? You said you'd watch him.
It's my day off.
Get up.
No, I really can't, Bridge.
No, you promised.
Remember? Come on, I haven't had a day off in forever.
I just want to go to the movies and zone out.
- [SIGHS.]
- You're seriously asking to spend time away from your child at a fucking movie? - Yes.
- Really, it's a It's horrible, Bridgette.
- Well, I'm a horrible mother.
- Mm.
- Now get your fat ass up.
- Hmm.
- Come on.
- No! - Move it! - I'm not! I said no! Get out the room! Is this 'cause of Edmond? I don't wanna talk about it.
[SIGHS.]
[BRIDGE.]
Well, change of plans.
Just me and you today, kid.
- Okay? - [LARRY.]
Okay, Mommy.
You need to use the potty before we get in the car? - No.
- Yes, 'cause today's the day.
Come on, let's go.
- [LARRY BABBLES.]
- Good luck there, Bridge.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
- [JOE GROANS.]
- Is she okay? - Sure.
You know, the moods.
- [BRIDGE SIGHS.]
Yeah, right.
[WOMAN ON CAR STEREO.]
Wheels on the bus go Round and round [BRIDGE.]
Is that a space? No.
[WOMAN ON STEREO.]
Sing it with me, Larry! Come on! [BRIDGE.]
Larry, there's nowhere to park.
[LARRY AND WOMAN.]
Swish-swish-swish, swish-swish-swish, swish-swish-swish.
[WOMAN.]
The wipers on the bus go swish-swish-swish Larry, can I turn the song off? [WOMAN ON STEREO.]
All through the town - [LARRY.]
Hey, no! - [WOMAN.]
I love this song.
- Don't you, Larry? - Yeah! - Ugh.
Not me.
- Open and shut [BRIDGE.]
Fuck.
One more lap, that's it.
[WOMAN.]
All through the town Again! [WOMAN.]
Hi, Larry, are you ready to go for a ride? The mommies on the bus go [BRIDGE.]
No parking.
No parking.
- Shh, shh, shh - What is this? Tow zone.
- This should be fine.
- All through the town - [WOMAN.]
Great job, Lar - [ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
[LIGHT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[DARK TONES.]
[JOE.]
Uh, are we done? Colleen? [JOE.]
Colleen? [GROANS.]
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
It's soaking wet.
[BRIDGE.]
You see that? Oh.
Ugh! All right, go play.
[LARRY SQUEALS SOFTLY.]
Ah, shit.
No, no, no, no, no.
Do not eat that.
- [LARRY.]
Mommy.
- You can't eat that.
Oh, my God.
He keeps running away from me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Larry! - [WOMAN SPEAKS SPANISH.]
- What? Okay.
Larry! [LARRY SCREAMING GLEEFULLY.]
[BRIDGE.]
Again.
Again.
Again.
Our turn.
You ready? Yes, Mom.
Oh, whee! [BRIDGE.]
Fun.
Fun.
- Fun.
- [RING TONE CHIMING.]
[ELIZA.]
Hey, Bridge.
Hi, are you at the movies without me? Yeah, 'cause you bailed on me.
I'm in line getting popcorn alone.
[BRIDGE.]
Well, what was I supposed to do? Leave my kid with depressed Tutu? - Don't sound so sad, B.
- [BRIDGE.]
Ugh.
- [BRIDGE.]
I'm just bummed.
- [ELIZA.]
Me too.
You know, I'm so bored, I think I'm dying.
[ELIZA.]
Bridge, you're fine.
You're not dying.
Fuck it, I'm just gonna come meet you.
It's his nap time.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
Down by the river The cool, cool river In the shade of the willow tree That's where the one I love Waits for me That's where we met I never will forget How he kissed me tenderly Down by the river In the shade of the willow tree [SONG FADES.]
It's a cold one, huh? They burned witches at the stake not far from here.
Imagine being burned alive.
That water looks nice.
Away from town No one around A place to be alone Can hardly wait I won't be late To see the one I call my own Down by the river, the cool, cool river In the shade of the willow tree That's where the one I love Waits for me [SONG FADES OUT.]
[WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
[BRIDGE.]
Once we get inside, you gotta fall asleep, okay? Okay, oh, Jesus.
Sorry! Oh, God, are you okay? I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was just late for the movie! [EERIE MUSIC IN THEATER.]
[WOMAN.]
What the hell is that? Did you hear that? Do you think I'm a terrible mother for finding my kid kind of boring? Honestly.
Like, not my kid specifically, but just motherhood in general.
Tsk.
Hell no.
Of course not.
And I'm not a bad friend for thinkin' that you talkin' about motherhood is boring.
- [WOMAN.]
Is that you? - Well would we be friends if we never met in food group? - No.
- Probably not.
[WOMAN.]
There's so much blood! Well, she's dead.
Funny, fat friend already died.
Slut's always next to go.
Okay, first of all, she's not the slut She's wearing khakis.
Sluts don't wear khakis.
The one with the Big Gulp, that's the slut.
You know only sluts drink soda.
Shh! Shh! This movie can't be good for kids.
Yeah, well, it's worse for women.
They're the only ones getting killed.
- [WOMAN SCREAMS.]
- There's a reason it's rated R.
He has been asleep this whole time.
And you know what? What the fuck business is it of yours? - I just think - Reclaiming my time.
- What are you - Reclaiming my time.
- I just think you know, I - Boop.
Is he yours? You're doing God's work, staying with him.
[ELIZA.]
Yep, bye.
- See you.
- [LARRY CRYING.]
- [BRIDGE.]
You just wake up? - [LARRY.]
Mm-hmm.
I don't wanna wake up.
Why are you grabbing your penis? [LARRY BABBLES INDISTINCTLY.]
Okay, well, you gotta use the big boy potty, okay? - [LARRY.]
Why? No.
- Yeah, you have to.
I really wanted to see this girl die.
Hurry back.
She's putting up a good fight.
[TUTU.]
Is there a problem? I gave the teller my ID and I just wanna close out my savings account, that's all.
[WOMAN.]
It's okay, miss, no.
- There's no problem.
- Oh, good.
[WOMAN.]
It's just that I want to make sure everything's okay.
Your clothes are wet, and you seem a little distressed.
So that's all.
My boyfriend, Edmond, has a boat.
He has a boat and he's so silly.
He said, "Colleen, let's jump in.
" And it's so hot that we did.
[WOMAN CHUCKLES POLITELY.]
Okay, then.
Um - Okay? - [WOMAN.]
You want the $3,700 - in big or small bills? - All big! 'Cause Edmond says we're gonna celebrate tonight.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hey.
- Girl, I was all wrong.
Asian guy ice skate straight to the face.
Okay, well, I gotta go.
He peed through his diaper and I don't have any extra.
Well, this movie sucks anyway.
I can just leave with you.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, come on, we'll go to your place.
Okay.
[BRIDGE.]
Okay.
Oh, wait, grab the candy.
[WOMAN SCREAMING ON SCREEN.]
[BRIDGE.]
We can just watch it at your house.
[ELIZA.]
Yeah.
Stream it illegally.
My car was right here.
What do you mean, your car was right here? [LARRY.]
It's gone.
They must have towed my car! Bridge! Damn it! I told you to stop parking illegally.
Yeah, but it works 80% of the time.
It worked this morning! It says, "No parking anytime," so that means no parking anytime.
I've only been towed, like, six times.
That's nothing compared to how many times I've parked illegally.
All right, well, we're gonna go to the tow yard, then.
I'll see you later.
Okay, drama queen, you know I'm coming with you.
Open, shut them, open, shut them.
And then you go back.
[CHEERY WHISTLING.]
[ELIZA.]
Know what, Bridge? This was very MacGyver of you.
I'm kind of proud.
My t-shirt diap? Thank you.
Yep, gave him the shirt off my back.
Seems kind of out of it, huh? Seems okay.
What's wrong? Do you think the movie scared him? [ELIZA.]
No, he was sleeping.
- Did you see any of the movie? - [LARRY.]
Yeah.
[BRIDGE.]
Shit.
Maybe he saw the woman get her head cut off.
He didn't see anything.
He was asleep the whole time, Bridge.
He woke up right when they cut her legs off.
[ELIZA.]
He did not see anything.
- Are you depressed? - [LARRY.]
Yeah.
Okay.
- Are you sad? - Yes.
- Do you have anxiety? - Yeah.
Oh, God.
Do you have an eating disorder? Yeah.
I can feel it in his body.
Have you heard of epigenetics? It's trauma passed down from generation to generation and boy, it runs deep in my family.
Yours too.
What do you mean, mine too? - I mean, I'm just - This baby is not depressed.
There is nothing wrong with him.
He is perfectly beautiful.
[BRIDGE.]
If he's not depressed, what is the matter with you? [LARRY.]
I'm hungry.
Oh, shit.
- What? - Nothing.
- What? - [SIGHS.]
I may have forgotten to feed him breakfast and lunch.
I thought he was gonna eat at Tutu's.
All he's eaten today is Reese's Pieces.
We gotta get off the bus.
Come on.
- We gotta - Why can't we do the junkyard and then grab him food? Because he's hungry now.
He is hungry now.
- Come on, let's go.
- [WOMAN.]
Here you go.
- [BRIDGE.]
Really? - Mm-hmm.
[BRIDGE.]
Cheerios and a diaper? Thank you so much.
See? You were prepared.
You know what you're doing.
Apparently, I don't.
[WOMAN.]
Each day I see him [WOMAN.]
Wow, and it had been 33 years? - [TUTU.]
33 years.
- [WOMAN.]
Wow.
Let me give you this blush, okay? - [TUTU.]
Please do.
- [WOMAN.]
Great.
Could you help me with where my cheekbones are? Because when I'm doing it at home, I find it hard to know.
- Can I give you a trick? - Yeah.
Look surprised.
Watch me.
Not surprised.
Try it.
[GASPS.]
There they are.
- Don't move.
- Really? Oh, my Don't you move a muscle.
You are like a miracle worker here.
- You know - Can you see look in my eyes.
- I'm looking at them.
- Do you see? They're the windows to my soul.
Go ahead and close them for me.
- Close them? - Yeah.
Okay.
[TUTU.]
Once, I worked at Dunkey's when I was, like, 19, and this boss I had, Latricia, she thought that there was money missing from the register, but it was not me.
- Of course, it wasn't.
- And know where she is today? - Where? - I have no idea, but not here.
- She's not here! - She must be miserable.
- She has a sad li - She sounds like a really - unhappy person.
- People who are mean to me, - tragedy befalls them often.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think it's God.
- You know what? I think God knows I'm one of his messengers here.
Mm-hmm.
You're about to be on your honeymoon? - Yes.
- Girl, you have got to try our luminescent blush.
That's this.
This is gonna change your world.
Edmond loves me without makeup.
That's sweet.
But I can't wait to surprise him again! [LIGHT MUSIC.]
Does anyone know where the escalator down is? Where the down escalator is? It really is gorgeous, but I just I feel a little bit guilty, you know, but he told me to spoil myself, so how 'bout you wrap that up for me? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Everyone here is so nice.
Well, they pay us to be nice to the customers.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, can I get you a cab? Where would you like to go? [PEOPLE YELLING, HORNS HONKING.]
Oh, feeling better? You got your diaper, we got your muffin.
Now you want to go to the tow yard? See, that's the problem.
You let him make all of the decisions.
I don't let him make all the decisions.
We're in a relationship.
Just because he's short doesn't mean he doesn't have opinions.
- I didn't say - Right? that he didn't have opinions.
You have opinions.
No, no.
I have opinions.
I know you do, Lar.
However, it is your mom's job to teach you how to do things.
- No.
- [ELIZA.]
But you don't even go potty on your own yet.
Oh, you think you can train him to go potty? Absolutely.
You need to let him know no more diapers, potty time, baby.
Be my guest, there's a bathroom right in there.
- All right.
- All right.
Come on, Lar Bear.
Come on, munchkin.
Okay, good luck.
- You ready to do this? - Yeah.
Say: Let's go poopy Let's go poopy let's go poopy Come on.
Let's let's just [LARRY CRYING.]
I don't have to answer at all Okay, Lar, let's do this.
Let's do this.
I don't have to answer to nobody Look at me.
[CRYING.]
Sweetie, look, I need you to go to the bathroom.
Mommy! No.
But when you come Saturday and I'm still working You know it ain't doing no good Pee-sit, Larry.
I'm telling you.
[CRYING.]
- All right.
- [CRYING.]
No potty.
[BRIDGE.]
And I think I was in diapers till I was, like, 5.
Oh oh, yeah.
How did it go? - Potty trained.
- [BRIDGE.]
No.
No, he's not.
So, I found us a ride to the tow yard.
Who's he? What's happening? - Hi.
- He's gonna drive us.
[ELIZA.]
Hello.
Um, Bridge? What? Uh, you sure you just don't want to take the bus, or? Come on.
It'll be so much faster.
Bridge, how long have you known this man? About two minutes.
Please.
It's a free ride.
I don't want to ride with him.
You're being kind of rude.
I'm black.
I don't fucking hitchhike.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
[WHISPERING.]
Is that Melania? Yes.
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON RADIO.]
However many Triple Play scratchies that gets me.
I feel lucky.
Thank you.
That's for you.
[COIN JINGLES.]
I dropped a quarter there.
I'm not getting it.
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE.]
[WARM GUITAR MUSIC.]
Hm.
I think maybe the kitchen's bad luck.
I'ma do some more scratchies upstairs.
[BRIDGE.]
You know, you can just drop us off right here.
- [MAN.]
You sure? - [BRIDGE.]
Yep.
Stop, stop, stop.
Yep.
[MAN.]
You know, your kid should really be in a car seat.
[BRIDGE.]
Yeah, I know, buddy.
Can you just unlock these doors? Thank you so much.
Okay.
Yeah, come with me.
- [ELIZA.]
All right, thanks.
- [BRIDGE GROANS.]
[ELIZA.]
Bye.
[BRIDGE.]
Come with me.
Come on.
Okay.
Say bye to the creepy guy.
- [LARRY.]
Bye-bye.
- [BRIDGE.]
Bye.
[BRIDGE.]
Oh, no, they're closed.
- [BRIDGE.]
Oh, God.
- Bridge.
I didn't know! Didn't you look the tow place up on your phone? What kind of place closes at 4:00 p.
m.
? The kind of place that you have to pay if they hold your car for an extra day.
Maybe we can call someone.
- I don't know.
- You didn't see the hours? Bridge.
I didn't not see the hours.
I just didn't see the hours.
The hours are right here, Bridge.
- I can't - How did you miss that? [BRIDGE.]
Can you just stop yelling at me? [ELIZA.]
I'll stop yelling at you when you stop getting your fucking car towed [BRIDGE.]
What the fuck am I supposed to do? [ELIZA.]
every other week.
- I didn't do this on purpose.
- Jesus.
[BRIDGE.]
I can't I can't wait till Monday to get my car.
- Ugh.
- There must be - God.
- Larry? - Lar, shit.
- Wait, Larry! [ELIZA.]
Maybe there's another way in.
[BRIDGE.]
Larry.
Larry! Ow, there's barbed wire.
Ow.
Oh, shit.
Larry.
Fuck, I'm stuck! Ow.
[BRIDGE.]
Larry Bird! You stop there! Right now! [LARRY LAUGHS.]
Ow.
Ow! Larry, you're in big trouble! Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Larry! Wear my daddy's hat You can even laugh at me Larry! But don't you push me down No, don't you push me [ELIZA.]
Let me look at you.
Okay.
Larry.
Hi, hi.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? - Yeah.
- You promise? - Yeah.
- Don't run away from me, okay? Okay.
I am such a fuck-up.
[ELIZA.]
What do you mean? I mean, my kid keeps running away from me.
It's cool.
How many moms can say, "Oh, yeah, I lost my kid in a junkyard"? More you think, honey.
[ELIZA.]
You're a great mom.
Uh, no, I'm not.
I made us take a ride with that Melania lover.
I mean, I couldn't even handle five minutes in the park with my own kid without wanting to fucking blow my brains out.
Bridge, all moms want to kill themselves.
It's motherhood.
- I'm a terrible mom.
- You're a great - [BRIDGE GASPS.]
- Look! - Look at him.
- Larry! [BOTH CHEERING.]
He's going to the potty! - Larry! - Ah! You did it! - Yeah, boy.
- High-five.
High-five.
I think I think he's still going.
- I'm gonna just - Okay.
you know, I'ma give him his privacy.
La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la [THUD.]
[JOE PANTING.]
Col Colleen.
Joe? How did you get up here? [PANTING.]
I scratched off some of the tickets you left on the table.
You won.
You won a Massachusetts riverboat cruise.
- I did? - [JOE.]
Yes.
- I won? - [JOE.]
You won.
Oh, Joe! Oh, Joe! Oh, and you climbed all the way up here.
- I had I had - Sit.
Sit.
I had to get I had to tell you.
I had to get up here so I could see that smile.
[TUTU.]
Oh, Joe.
I just I wanted to see your face.
It was worth it.
Look at this, Joe.
Riverboat, riverboat, riverboat.
- [LAUGHING.]
- We won! - Yes, we did.
- Come here, kiss me.
Muah, I love you.
Muah, I love you.
[BRIDGE.]
Larry went poppy [ELIZA.]
Larry went poopy [BRIDGE.]
Larry went poopy I should have gone poopy.
[ELIZA.]
Ugh.
Where's your car? [BRIDGE.]
Where is my car? [ELIZA.]
There it is.
Let's get out of here.
Yes.
- [BRIDGE.]
Oh, shit.
- [ELIZA.]
What the hell? Now how we supposed to get out? Well, when Thelma and Louise got chopped, they just drove through that gate really, really fast.
That is a movie, and they had a more solid car.
- No offense.
- Hmm, none taken.
[ELIZA.]
Oh, Bridge, we gotta find an office - or a number or something.
- Hola.
Whoo.
Uh, can you let us out? - Que? - [BRIDGE.]
Um, yeah.
Can you let us out? - Si.
- Gracias.
[BRIDGE.]
Oh, yeah.
- - Oh, gracias.
Oh, um, ah Right? - Si.
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
She thinks we're a couple.
You could do worse.
[BRIDGE SPEAKS SPANISH.]
[CHUCKLES.]
What did she say? She's rescuing us.
[ELIZA.]
Thank God.
- [BRIDGE.]
That was fun.
- [ELIZA.]
Mm-hmm.
- [BRIDGE.]
That was really fun.
- [ELIZA.]
Really fun.
I mean, we could have had more fun doing other things, but it was fun.
It was fun.
I had a good time.
Couldn't have done it without you, Thelma.
Couldn't have done it without you, Weezy.
Is she just opening the gate? We could have just did that ourselves.
I think the gate was open.
We panicked for nothing.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's go.
Well, let's go drive off a cliff.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on, Weezy.
[LAUGHS.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
Oh, it's in park.
Take the damn car.
[BRIDGE.]
Let's go find a cliff.
[ELIZA.]
Yes.
Thanks, girl.
The morning sun touched lightly on The eyes of Lucy Jordan In a white suburban bedroom In a white suburban town And she lay there 'neath the covers Dreaming of a thousand lovers Till the world turned to orange And the room went spinning round At the age of 37 She realized she'd never ride Through Paris in a sports car With the warm wind in her hair So she let the phone keep ringing And she sat there softly singing