Son of a Critch (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
SISTER MARGARET: Fox!
If you are old enough to get confirmed,
you are old enough to behave in church!
If you embarrass me in
front of Father Moore,
I'll give you a big enough fright
to scare the crap out of a toilet,
- ya saucy little
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Father!
The children are so excited to see you.
Hmm.
Good morning, boys and girls.
KIDS: Good morning, Father.
ADULT MARK: Confirmation.
The Catholic bar mitzvah.
I was about to become a made man.
FATHER MOORE: At baptism,
your parents made a promise
on your behalf
because you were just a baby.
[WHISPERS] You're still a baby.
FATHER MOORE: They gave you a name.
And now, you will confirm their promise
and you will choose your
own confirmation name.
Now, Sister, who's doing the reading?
Mark Critch, Father.
- [CHAIR CREAKS]
- MARK: [EXHALES DEEPLY]
[FOOTSTEPS THUD]
[KID YAWNS, PAPER RUSTLES]
"Jesus said, 'suffer little children
and forbid them not to come unto me:
For such is the kingdom of heaven.'"
ADULT MARK: There was no
bigger stage than an altar.
Mass was the biggest show in town.
[LIGHTS SNAP ON]
Are there any Catholics here tonight?
Everyone?! My kinda room!
[CHEESY COMEDY CLUB MUSIC PLAYS]
The other day this old lady
comes into the confessional,
she says, "Father forgive me!
When I was young,
I cheated on my husband!"
I said, "Lady, you
confessed that last Sunday."
And she says, "I know.
- I just like talking about it!"
- [KIDS LAUGH]
- [CLAPPING]
- Thank you!
ADULT MARK: I was born a Catholic,
but I was a practicing narcissist.
[LIGHTS SNAP OFF]
[FOX GIGGLES]
Father Moore lived off fear
like I lived off tea and bologna.
Is something funny, miss?
You don't seem ready to
receive the holy spirit.
- I ain't afraid of no ghost.
- KIDS: [GIGGLE]
SISTER MARGARET: Jesus,
Mary, and Joseph!
When I was their age,
I felt the holy spirit so strongly
that I received my calling.
But perhaps your class
isn't ready for confirmation, Sister.
ADULT MARK: I, too, had a
calling - to be a star -
and now I saw an opening to audition
to be the leading man.
I feel something
Inside.
Well, hold it!
No one is going to the washroom.
No.
I want to become
A priest.
[A BACKING BAND PLAYS
AS A GOSPEL CHOIR SINGS]
♪
♪
- MARY: A priest?
- MIKE JR.: Oh!
At least he'll never have to worry about
- breaking the vow of celibacy.
- [SCANDALIZED GASP]
- Are you cracked? A priest?!
- With all that's going on?!
Why? What's going on?
ADULT MARK: You can't talk
about the '80s in Newfoundland
without talking about
the sexual abuse scandal
in the Catholic church.
That is, unless you were my parents.
- None of your business.
- It's nothing that you
- Shut up, Pop.
- Have to worry about, honey.
Hmm.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
POP: [SIGHS]
[CARS ZOOM PAST OUTSIDE]
I'm sorry if we were hard on you, but
You know, you're a bit
young to be signing up
with that crowd of sadistic arseholes.
Nice apology.
I mean, if they're so bad,
then why do you go to mass every Sunday?
Can't hurt to play both sides.
As long as you confess, you're golden.
Have you chosen your
confirmation name yet?
I mean, we've got enough Mikes.
[SIGHS] Patrick.
- [PLEASED] Mm really. Hmm.
- Not for you.
Patrick is Father Moore's first name.
He's gonna be my sponsor,
and he said I'd be a fine priest.
Nice. Hmm.
You know, perhaps we
should invite him over,
get to know him a bit better.
What about tomorrow night for supper?
- Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, I'd love to say a few
words to Father Moore - ha! -
believe you me.
Um, why don't you come
on down and join me,
say a prayer for Nanny?
Oh, uh, I'd rather just sit here
'cause I've got bad knees,
but hey, I'll say one for her
and I'll say one for you.
- Hmm.
- Hmm?
MARK: Dear Lord, please
keep my Nanny safe,
forever and always.
[ORGAN AND CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[CHIP BAG RUSTLES]
[CHIP BAG RIPS OPEN]
What's with the "Exorcist" get up?
Mark is preparing himself.
He signed us up to be altar boys.
He would've asked you
too, but, you know
Boys.
[CHIP BAG RUSTLES VIOLENTLY]
Hey! My chips!
"Let he who is without
sin, cast the first stone."
- STUDENTS: [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- KID: Wait up!
ADULT MARK: The whole house
went into a priestly panic
as Mom and Dad cruxi-fixed the place up.
[RADIO CLICKS ON]
MIKE SR.: Formal charges were laid today
against clergy in St. John's.
A lawyer, speaking on
behalf of the vic
- [RADIO CLICKS OFF]
- Of all the jeezly times
to have a bloody priest poking around.
[CUPBOARD ITEMS RUSTLE,
DOOR THUMPS SHUT]
And you better not start, tonight!
This is about Mark.
I don't start things, I finish 'em.
[CRUNCHING, HANGER CLATTERS]
[WARDROBE DOOR THUMPS SHUT]
- What are you doing?
- I'm hungry.
Fox stole my chips.
- That's the body of Christ!
- No, it's not.
It's just bread until
the priest blesses it.
- There!
- You're not a priest.
They don't even have a taste.
- Yes, they do.
- They taste like paper.
ADULT MARK: Snacking on a
sacrament was a big sin,
but like Adam with the apple,
I was tempted.
[SLOW CRUNCH]
- Good, right? Ha!
- Mmm.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH,
SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
- Mmm!
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Before your first mass as altar boys,
you'll have to give
confession, of course.
- [CHURCH BELL TOLLS]
- ADULT MARK: Confession!
I couldn't tell if he had seen us,
but I knew there was
only one thing to do.
Lie!
[LES BACK]
ADULT MARK: The confessional.
God's little interrogation room.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
It has been two weeks
since my last confession.
Go ahead, child. Confess.
ADULT MARK: I couldn't bring
myself to confess my own sins
so I flipped on my family
like a mobster turned FBI informant.
Pop swears all the time. Like, a lot.
And I'm pretty sure my
brother has reefer in his room.
Um, Mom gossips,
terrible habit, and Dad
Let's focus on your sins.
Did someone tempt you
to sin today, Mark?
ADULT MARK: I chose to
walk in the footsteps
of one of the most famous
Christians ever
Well
ADULT MARK: Judas.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN,
KIDS MURMUR NERVOUSLY]
[DOOR THUMPS SHUT]
[WHISPERING] You didn't
tell him, did you?
Did he see us eat them?
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
- FATHER MOORE: Ritchie?
- [WHISPERS] Does he know?
- Ritchie? Now!
- [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
- KID: I'm so scared.
- [CONFESSIONAL DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
- MARK: [WHIMPERS]
FATHER MOORE: Bless us, o
Lord and these thy gifts,
which we are about to
receive from thy bounty
through Christ, our Lord.
ALL: Amen.
Bread, Father?
I believe I hear you on the radio
more than I see you
in church, Mr. Critch.
Oh, he works Sunday's, Father.
- No rest for the wicked.
- Hmm.
Pure! No rest for the pure.
- Uh beets? Pickles?
- No.
I've taken an interest in Mark.
It's rare to find a boy of his
Faith these days.
People are
Turning away from the church.
Well, I think we all
know why that is, Father.
ADULT MARK: I was oblivious
to the elephant in the room,
even though Pop had
hopped up on its back
and was tickling its ears.
The devil can work in
mysterious ways, too.
I wouldn't believe everything
you hear on the radio.
Good people, their names slandered.
We haven't named any
of the accused, Father.
Well, perhaps you should
mention some names.
The names of the accusers.
I believe the word you're
looking for is "victims," Father.
[AWKWARDLY] Uh
What's your favourite
Bible passage, Mark?
- Oh, the one from my reading.
- Oh yeah.
"Suffer little children
and forbid them not, to come unto me."
POP: Ah. "Suffer little children."
Now that should be right
up your alley, Father.
- Dessert!
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
- Would you like a flakey?
- Ugh.
You know I'm losing my appetite.
And you?
- Hmm?
- Uh
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
Take a man fishing
and he will eat later.
Uh-huh. Ha.
What's yours, Father?
Matthew 7, 1-5.
"Judge not, that you be not judged."
Do you know what mine is, Father?
Luke 12:2.
"Nothing is covered up,
that shall not be revealed;
or hidden, that will not be known."
Chew on that one, padre.
ADULT MARK: I was too
young to know any better.
Pop, on the other hand, was
too old to give a flying fu
Fudgee-o?
I believe I've had enough.
Thank you for the meal. It was ample.
- I'll see you out, Father.
- Thank you, Mark.
- MIKE SR.: [SIGHS HEAVILY]
- MARY: Ugh!
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
- Sweet Jesus.
- Ugh! I've got the shivers.
- It's like Dracula was in here.
What a prick! God forgive me.
You couldn't do this one thing for me!
Mark, there's a lot
you don't understand.
Then tell me!
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[A VIOLIN LAMENT PLAYS]
♪
[DISAPPOINTED EXHALE]
[WHIMPERS] Oh
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDE,
BEDROOM DOOR BANGS SHUT]
The boy is old enough.
♪
ADULT MARK: Newfoundlanders
are used to storms,
but over the next few days
it felt like the darkest
clouds we'd ever seen
were rolling in over us.
Attention, please, children!
Uh
I'm sure you've been hearing
some rumours about the church.
You must have a lot of questions.
ADULT MARK: Finally, a ray of light!
Well, you better not ask them!
It's none of your business!
ADULT MARK: Followed by showers.
On an unrelated note,
Father Moore is no longer with us.
- KID: [GASPS]
- [SHOCKED] What?!
- It's going to be okay.
- You see, children,
Father Moore has
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Been transferred overseas.
I've been asked to
introduce his replacement,
Father Garcia.
ADULT MARK: I had lost my mentor,
but I was sure his replacement
would be just as
Hey, kids!
My name is Father Garcia,
but you can call me Gary.
Uh, and that you most
certainly will not
Look, collar in the corner,
ain't nothing special
about a priest, okay?
I'm no different from uh
[SNAPS FINGERS] Hey,
what's your name, buddy?
Ritchie.
Ritchie. Cool!
Heck, I wish I was as cool as
Ritchie over here! [HIGH-FIVE]
What's your confirmation name, bro?
Romeo. Like my uncle.
- Whoa! Loverboy over here.
- [CHUCKLES]
How about you, buddy?
- Patrick.
- KID: [CLEARS THROAT]
It's Mark, right?
I hear you like comedy.
Well, did you know that
there was a Saint hilarious?
It's Patrick.
I see. Okay.
Um Sister?
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
Ya ever listen to music backwards
to hear hidden satanic messages?
- Oh! Over there. [CHUCKLES]
- Um
Well, sometimes I like to
listen to music forwards
to hear hidden Christian messages.
- One, two, three and
- [STARTS PLAYING THE GUITAR]
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky ♪
That's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
When I die and they lay me to rest ♪
I'm gonna go to the
place that's the best ♪
- Spirit in the skyyyy! ♪
- [KIDS CLAP TO THE RHYTHM]
ADULT MARK: I was being upstaged!
I felt the holy spirit leave me
as if I'd just popped a spiritual zit.
God was dead.
I'm gonna go to the
place that's the best ♪
Spirit in the skyyyy! ♪
Last confession before confirmation.
Get it all out now -
your lies, your thefts,
your disgusting urges.
Vomit up the darkness.
Pop in!
Actually, Sister, um, I'm
all about talking to God,
I just don't like
hiding in a box to do it.
So, kids, we're gonna
rap face-to-face
Right over here. Come on.
The arse is out of 'er.
Hey, Mark?
[KIDS WHISPER AND MURMUR]
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been one day
since my last confession.
Whoa, Mark.
Can't be anything
worth confessing, buddy.
Um I guess I'm your sponsor now, huh?
What do you think about that?
All right, okay, I get it.
Strong, silent type.
Well, go in peace.
What's my penance?
You didn't sin.
ADULT MARK: No penance?
What's the point of being Catholic
if there isn't any guilt?
Mark? I'd like to meet your parents.
You know, sponsor and all.
I'll stop by after school.
- [KID YAWNS NEARBY]
- Next?
Casanova.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
[MAGAZINES RUSTLE]
♪
Thank you for the wine,
Father. You shouldn't have.
POP: Well, we don't
even have a corkscrew.
Um, Father, have you
been a priest for long?
Uh, five years.
Uh, I was trying to find myself,
and then I ended up in Antigua
with a girl I was dating.
Oh!
Wha a priest can't date.
Well, I wasn't a priest at the time.
And when she dumped me,
that's when I found the
Lord and the rest is history.
Oh. So, Jesus is your rebound?
- Mike!
- [LAUGHING] That's good!
No, he's right. [LAUGHS]
I, uh, cried myself to sleep
in his arms every night.
- So, uh, Mr. Critch
- Mm-hmm.
I understand you work
at the radio station?
- Is that correct?
- Oh, here we go!
- I won't have it, Father!
- I'm sorry, Mark,
but I won't let anyone,
not even a priest,
tell me what I can or can't say on air.
Hear, hear.
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
I I just wanted to give you this.
- Hmm?
- Um
I write and record my own pop songs,
and I was just wondering
if you could give it to a DJ is all.
Uh I, I'll see what I can do.
I, I could give it to Dick Dunphy.
I mean, I-I-I can't
promise anything, but uh
- You would do that?
- Yeah, sure.
That's awesome. Thank you!
- You rock!
- [CHUCKLES]
- That's great!
- [CHUCKLES]
[POP CHUCKLES, MIKE SR. SIGHS HEAVILY]
[AWKWARD SILENCE, FATHER GARCIA SIGHS]
Does anyone have any
questions about um
Everything that's going on?
'Cause, you know, we
could talk about it.
POP: I don't think it's a conversation
for the dinner table, Father.
Oh, well
Can someone tell me what's going on?
For the love of God!
Shall I put on the kettle?
You don't have to stay for this, Father.
I-I would like to, if it's okay?
♪
Uh there's an orphanage
and it's run by the church for
It's been run there by
them for a long time.
ADULT MARK: The skies were clearing,
but nothing would ever
really be the same again.
There's a thin line
between a secret and a lie.
♪
I don't think I believe anymore.
Santa Claus?
I'm being serious.
[CHUCKLES] Yes, a bit too
serious, if you ask me,
for such a young boy.
Agh.
You never wanted to be a priest.
Yeah, I did! I
I wanted to give sermons. I
wanted to be respected. I
POP: I think you should
be an optometrist.
Why?
You're always saying, "I, I, I."
Look. There are better
ways to help people
than scare the crap
out of them in a collar.
Pop?
Yeah?
Hm.
Would you be my confirmation sponsor?
[EMOTIONAL] Yeah.
I'd be mighty proud.
Mighty proud.
Okay.
[LIGHT CLICKS OFF]
Night.
Goodnight.
[POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
"But Jesus said, 'suffer little children
and forbid them not to come unto me:
For such is the kingdom of heaven.'"
ADULT MARK: When I
first heard those words
I pictured children suffering.
But now, after that dark year,
I see it as, "let the
children ask their questions."
Some job. [CHUCKLES]
ADULT MARK: I would have a lot
of them in the coming days,
months and years.
[ZIPPO LIGHTER SNICKS]
I may have lost some faith in others,
but I was starting to
have some faith in myself.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
When I die and they lay me to rest ♪
Gonna go to the place
that's the best ♪
Oh, yeah.
When I lay me down to die ♪
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky ♪
- [CLAPPING]
- Spirit in the sky ♪
That's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
When I die ♪
When I die and they lay me to rest ♪
I'm gonna go to the
place that's the best ♪
- [LAUGHING]
- Spirit in the sky ♪
It's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
When I die ♪
When I die and they lay me to rest ♪
I'm gonna go to the
place that's the best ♪
Spirit in the sky! ♪
♪
♪
♪